Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all the unhappy souls trying desperately to hold Donnie Drumpf’s Adult Daycare, a.k.a. the White House, together in the face of that tantrumming toddler in the middle of it all. Nobody envies you your jobs right now. And even less do we envy THESE overgrown babies, in no particular order:
1. Courtland Fucking Sykes. You want women to be WHAT? Uh, dude, you’re in the wrong century. Hope you’re prepared for a thrashing at the polls, because that’s what you’re about to get. And if you’re going to call black Detroiters illiterate and uneducated, you’d better learn to spell Gloria Steinem’s name, because that’s what any future daughters you may have will be doing when they get sick of your “traditional family” bullshit.
2. Dan Fucking Bilzerian. Last week, it turned out that the Vegas shooter completely missed his chance to rid the world of this idiotic machista parasite. This week, it turns out that the cops weren’t keen to let the idiotic machista parasite “help” them do their job. I wonder why!
3. Mike Fucking Pence. So pathetic that a Canadian reporter had to call him and Donnie out for staging a walk-out at a football game where he just KNEW someone would be taking a knee. And while Mikey had to tweet up a stormy string, Bruce Arthur nailed him in one. PS: Hey Mikey! Are you and Donnie EVER gonna say anything about the tiki-torch Nazis who keep buzzing around Charlottesville, or are you just gonna let us go on seeing you as being in cahoots? Tick tock. PPS: Hey Mikey, care to explain this?
4. Chris Fucking Foerster. Way to blow your career, coach…literally. By sending a Nevada model a video of you snorting coke and asking if she’d like to do some with you? Yeah, that gives “offensive line” a whole new meaning.
5. Ed Fucking Gillespie. How the hell does one ever need 24 hours to come out in condemnation of a Nazi tiki-torch march? Because anyone who dawdles that long in speaking out against it, is as much as endorsing it. But then again, it’s easy to see how that “mistake” might happen. This is, after all, the same Repug candidate who tries to make out like every Spanish-speaking undocumented immigrant is a member of a Salvadoran gang.
6. Laura Fucking Loomer. Oh dear. Looks like someone just got TOLD. Ha, ha.
7. Donna Fucking Karan. No, idiot, Harvey Fucking Weinstein’s perviness is NOT the fault of the women, their sexuality, or how they “presented themselves”. Was it the fault of the potted plant he whacked off in, presenting itself in a fucking pot?
8. Steve Fucking Bannon. Bob Corker is a disgrace, says a man who is so much an embodiment of the word that he really ought to be silent if he had any semblance of decency or dignity or even irony, which of course he does NOT.
9. Sheila Fucking Zilinski. The Vegas shooting was WHAT? Oh hell no, lady. We Pagan Occult Illuminati don’t do blood sacrifices. Closest I’ve ever come to one was pouring out a goblet of red wine at the foot of a tree, fergawdsakes.
10. Mike Fucking Ditka. If you haven’t seen any oppression lately, Mikey, better get your eyes checked. That is, if you can still locate an optometrist after all the hits you’ve obviously taken during tackling practice.
11. David Fucking Meade. Oh look, the world’s still spinning. What a Great Disappointment! So, let’s just reset the date for the End of It All. Yeah, that’ll work!
12. William Fucking Johnson. Pro tip: If you’re planning to stick up a bank, don’t google for how-tos. Remember, the Internets never forget!
13. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Why?
That’s why. Gee, do we have to send Mother Pence along with Harvey Fucking Weinstein, as well as her morally bankrupt husband, to stop them before they can rape a woman?
14. Ted Fucking Cruz. Honest to Bog…how the hell does this chronic, pathological liar have any pants left? Because at the rate that he’s burning them, his ass and genitalia should be charcoal by now.
15. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Oh, for fucksakes. She supports one of the biggest sexual molesters in Hollywood, and thinks his soon-to-be ex-wife should “be there” for him? What’s next…a stirring rendition of “Stand By Your Man”?
16. Sandy Fucking Rios. “The left doesn’t want you to have air conditioning”? No, idiot, we don’t want to have the global warming that makes air conditioning more necessary than it should be. We don’t want less electricity, we want RENEWABLE electricity. I guess now we can go around saying that the imbeciles of the Religious Reich just want more air pollution and the Greenhouse Effect, eh?
17. Ken Fucking Ham. And speaking of the imbeciles of the Religious Reich, how about HIM? He wants to make kids “earn” candy by parroting back his superstitious nonsense. Trick or treat? Oh, most definitely trick. Egg his door, soap his windows, and TP his trees, kiddies.
18. Roy Fucking Moore. Dude, face it — your son’s arrest (the ninth, for those keeping score) isn’t a “cheap political stunt”. It’s a sign that you have a problem child on your hands. You obviously did NOTHING to raise him right, because you were too busy trying to preserve racist segregation in Alabama. Now try being a true Christian for a change, and get that boy into rehab!
19. Ben Fucking Affleck. Well, well, WELL, well, well. Look who got his sanctimonious ass handed to him as he was trying to be one of the Good Guys in the whole Weinstein kerfuffle. He even apologized for groping someone! Unfortunately, it was only someONE. And lots of others, it turns out, have suffered similar fates at his ever-wandering hands.
20. Greg Fucking Gianforte. If you think he had any right to refuse to be fingerprinted and mugshotted because he’s a politician (who assaulted a journalist), just imagine if some random black dude off the street had insisted on anything similar. Fair’s fair, y’all.
21. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Who does Donnie think is a great guy? THIS guy. Who tweeted a Nazi salute. This must be what Donnie meant when he said there were “fine people on both sides” — meaning both Nazis and KKK, I presume.
22. Andrew Fucking Douglas. Wow, talk about a man who just doesn’t get it. Racist caricatures have been around for over a hundred years, and he still doesn’t recognize one when it “graces” (or DISgraces) the pages of the already shady-as-hell Frank rag, let alone see the need to apologize to the woman it insulted? Call yourself a managing editor? Then you’d better learn to manage…AND edit. PS: “Nice” shirt. (Note the quotes, there for a reason.)
23. Michael Fucking Mostyn. Meanwhile, in OTHER Men Who Just Don’t Get It, we have THIS guy. Who thinks that the BDS movement against Israeli apartheid is somehow “antisemitic”, despite the fact that much of it is composed of or even spearheaded by Jews. And who seems to think that Roger Waters is evil just because he’s in it.
24. Scott Fucking Perry. Well, if Puerto Rico ever needed a pretext to seek independence from the US, I think sheer embarrassment at having to share a nation with idiots like this one really ought to do it.
25. Sean Fucking Hannity. Where’s your respect for the fucking flag, Baby Jesus? Oh yeah…it went out the window at the football game where a bunch of black guys knelt, and now you’re left to joke with Donnie during what is supposed to be a solemn military ceremony. All you FUX Snooze hypocrites can officially eat your own shit.
26. Matt Fucking Bevin. One really has to wonder what drugs HE’s on to believe that there is any such thing as a lethal marijuana overdose. Oh wait, he’s on right-wing ideology, which is the gateway drug to a surefire overdose of utter shitheadedness. A pity it’s only lethal to other people. Like the people of his own state of Kentucky, which has the highest opioid overdose fatality rates in the country. And about which he’s doing sweet bugger-all.
27. Roy Fucking Price. Wow, a douchey-looking dude actually turns out to be a grade-A douchebag. One with all the subtle charm and seductive finesse of a pile of freshly-laid baboon shit. What were the odds?
28. Richard Fucking Preston. Yeehaw! Another KKK ground-stander stands his ground…and gets denied bail on those grounds. Well, it does kind of help that he admitted to doing what a video unambiguously SHOWS him doing, which is shooting at black people who were doing him no harm.
29. Jim Fucking Lucas. Hey, I have a better idea: Instead of making journalists register with police, how about right-wing politicians and other Second Amendment fetishists?
30. Howard Fucking Stern. Emma Bunton couldn’t say it, but I will: Dude, you are totally fucking GROSS. Why do you even have a show at all? Oh yeah, I forgot: We live in a super-sexist, casting-couch culture. Didn’t Harvey Fucking Weinstein prove as much?
And finally, to Paul Fucking Elam. Paulie’s kind of bitter and testy, you see, because nobody wants to sex him. So now he’s reduced to spewing venom at all the women Harvey Fucking Weinstein has raped or tried to rape or just generally been all molesty and gross towards over the years. Because apparently, in Paulie’s sickly little world, assaulting women is the true way to Make Friends and Influence People. And any woman who says otherwise is clearly a victim of evil, wicked feminism. Just like all the men like Paulie, who aren’t getting their knobs polished on a regular basis…or at all, if Paulie’s angry whining is anything to go by.
Good night, and get fucked!
(Except for you, Paulie, because UGH.)