Happy May Day to all the workers, past and present, of fire and steel…
Just a note to all you “folkish” pagan types trying to winkle right-wing beliefs into the Old Religions out there: If you want to know what the Old Gods REALLY thought of making fascist nationalism a kind of religion, as Heinrich Himmler did when he stole a library-load of Norwegian freemasons’ books, today is the day that Adolf Hitler finally couldn’t take the stress of it anymore, and blew his brains out in his bunker. And oh yeah: The Vikings weren’t bigots, so don’t you use ancient religion as an excuse to be one yourself. If you’re smart, you’ll do what the Pagan Federation of Ireland told one officiant-seeking bigot, and fuck off with that noise.
Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all you bathroom bigots out there. You’re not the only game in town, but you sure are a fixture in here. Sort of like a very dirty, broken toilet. And here’s who’s getting the royal flush THIS week:
1. David Fucking Brumbaugh. No, banning abortion will not fix your tanking economy. God doesn’t deal in cash. But more importantly: Bringing more unwanted mouths into a world where the food is running out — or a state that’s deep in the hole, as Oklahoma is — will only make your problems worse. Honestly, if God wasn’t okay with terminating unwanted pregnancies, would She even allow those pregnancies to happen in the first place?
2. Anita Fucking Staver. No, fuckhead, your Glock doesn’t “identify” as your bodyguard, because guns are inanimate objects. They don’t HAVE identities. Also, you’re not allowed to carry in Target stores anywhere. And you are clearly not mentally fit to be carrying any kind of weapon, because your brain is an inanimate object, too.
3. Tracy Fucking Murphfree. And again with the threats of violence against imaginary trans predators! Big nasty talk from a man with a feminine-sounding first name. Surely someone’s not overcompensating for something, is he?
4. Kristen Fucking Lindsey. No, you don’t get to keep your vet’s licence. You shot a pet cat with a crossbow, for fucksakes. How the hell does that make you qualified to care for anyone’s kitty in a clinical setting?
5. Keith Fucking Ablow. Anyone who suggests what this motherfucker does as a “treatment” for trans people, ought to be subjected to it himself first. To cure him of his conservatism, natch.
6. Alex Fucking Jones. Any day now, this racist moron is finally going to go splat all over the ceiling. Place your bets, ladies ’n’ gents…
7. Mary Lou Fucking Bruner. Pre-kindergarten is WHAT? Oh HELL no. Fuck off, and burn your ugly flag shirts, you horrid woman.
8. Ted Fucking Cruz. Trans and can’t quite pass? Then you’ll just have to pee at home, says Grandpa Munster’s Evil Twin. Jaysus H. Christ…how much longer, do you think, before he’s caught in a wide stance, or sending dickpix to some random victim on the internets? Place yer bets… PS: And he’s already picked his running mate. Someone whose credibility is just as far down the shitter as his is, if not further. Fitting! PPS: Welp. If even Boner doesn’t like you…
9. Pat Fucking McCrory. Voting should be as hard as buying sinus meds? In a state well known for its high rate of crystal-meth production, that’s not saying much, is it? But thanks, gubnor with the gender-ambiguous name, for your vote of confidence in democracy. NC voters will be remembering that next time you’re up for election. PS: Ha, ha. Discreetly pwned by the very people you’re trying to persecute. Looks good on ya.
10. Larry Fucking Hug. Racial slurs and insulting the Marines? That’s a paddlin’. Ha, ha.
11. Ainsley Fucking Earhardt. Change your name to Brainless Airhead, honey…because that’s what you’d have to be, not only to work for FUX Snooze, but to think that God has any influence over elections at all. Unless, like me, you understand that vox populi is vox dei. Or to put it in terms even a kindergartner can understand: The voters are God.
12. Margaret Fucking Wente. Yay, more WenteWanks! Yes, she’s plagiarizing again. Or STILL, rather, since there’s nothing to indicate that she ever quit. True, it’s not a direct cut-and-paste lift, but it’s not exactly original work either, and there’s still no excuse for tolerating it. Even this satirical solution to the Wente Problem is better than reading any more of her inane, out-of-touch maunderings, which could just as easily have been generated through this satire page. PS: Sign, sign, SIGN.
13. William Fucking Tapley. Why no, sir, you don’t sound a BIT irrational. But don’t you think it’s just a wee bit unsporting of you to lay spurious charges against a singer who is dead and can no longer defend himself? And don’t you think you had better learn something — ANYTHING — about Prince before you start formulating cockamamie theories about him?
14. Ken Fucking Ham. If you’re going to spout religious nonsense on Twitter, be prepared for an awful lot of little birdies to shit on you…and your ark of “salvation”. No olive branches for YOU!
15. Dan Fucking Patrick. Oh yay, now Texas is mulling going the same way as North Fucking Carolina. Secessionists are all so boringly alike!
16. Steven Fucking Waits. And Alabama, too. Jesusland is nothing if not stupidly consistent.
17. Reuben Fucking DeHaan. Meanwhile, in North Fucking Carolina, we’ve got a proud “medicine man” for the Wannabe Injun Tribe, evading taxes for selling quack cures and practicing a bogus “religion”. And a whole lotta slobberin’ shittizen prepper tactics thrown into the unholy mix.
18. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yes, he’s still wanking. And this week, not only is it the bound-to-lose “woman card”, it’s also dumb-ass speeches on foreign policy, exploitation of closed factories, a swinish hoax, and pissing all over Vietnam vets with a syphilitic dick. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the Kluker endorsement, and his alleged dealings with that infamous pimp of preteens, Jeffrey Fucking Epstein. And just think, he’s the Repug front-runner. Anyone with an R on their voter registration should be ashamed.
19. Austin Fucking Misiak. Who needs bathroom and pants laws when you have creeps trying to fuck in a public pool — and trying to beat up on kids who are telling them to stop? Priorities, people!
20. Bill Fucking Haslam. Oh yay, Tennessee has gone full Jesus Koolaid, too. Prepare for shit-scented fallout, y’all.
21. Andy Fucking Park. Oh Florida Man, you never disappoint. You fucking toilet troll, you.
22. Brooklyn Fucking Marie Fucking Fink. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how idiotic and pretentious and totally up herself this one is. Nobody’s “imposing LGBT politics” on you, moron. And don’t burn rainbow flags, because they happen to stand for the inclusion of ALL sexual and gender orientations — even yours, you special, special snowflake. And because that flag belongs to the school, not to you. You do not get to impose your petty individual politics onto a whole school — capisce?
23. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, he’s still alive. Yes, he’s still wanking. Yes, he’s still doing it on radio (though the number of stations still running his drivel is steadily dropping). And yes, he’s still as sexist as ever. There, that takes care of HIM…at least until he finally blows that cerebral artery that we’re all waiting for him to blow.
24. Greg Fucking Locke. Well, look who’s a drama llama. Yes, another fucking southern pastor who is ENRAGED that imaginary bathroom pre-verts are allowed to exist in Tennessee…even if only in Target stores. Meanwhile, just two years ago, he and his own church re-hired an ACTUAL pervert…a “youth pastor” who molested kids. O Irony, where art thou?
25. Curt Fucking Schilling. Shorter him: “I’m not a bigot, YOU are! And you’re a bigger bigot than I am, too! Nanny nanny boo boo!”
26. Roy Fucking Moore. Shorter him: My marriage, my marriage, über alles! Because your being LGBT and having equal rights somehow diminishes me, me, ME!
27. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Shorter him: Submit, ye wives! Yes, even if your husband is as fucking dumb as me, me, ME!
28. Kay Fucking Daly. Sorry to disappoint you, honey, but the “GAYstapo” and “GayMafia” you believe in…aren’t fucking real. And neither are you, fortunately.
29. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Instead of making such an ass of yourself about imaginary trans people “invading” the bathroom and raping your daughter, how about teaching your fellow right-wing assbuckets and their douchey sons NOT TO FUCKING RAPE? Is THAT so hard?
30. Craig Fucking Chandler. So, serving halal meat is “supporting terrorists”? One wonders what he’d say if the meat in question were kosher…because that’s what “halal” means in Arabic, you know. Don’t you feel like one stupid fascist git now, Craig? Because you totally fucking ARE.
And finally, to all the morons who think that the meme directly above this is somehow offensive because people have boundaries, blah blah blabbity blah blah. No, I’m not linking to the hate-blog that posted this and spun that stupid theory; I’m not going to provide any platform for hateful hog-snot. I just find it singularly ironic that they consider it “defending one’s boundaries”…to overstep one’s boundaries and encroach on those of another person. And call it “feminism” to exclude a whole group of women from consideration AS WOMEN.
And on that note, fair warning: Anyone who posts right-wing, pants-policing shit and passing it off as “radical feminism” is hereby getting no more page views, friendship, etc. from me. I have trans friends, and I am not about to throw them under the bus for someone else’s dumbfuck abstract ideology and antiquated “biological” sex binaries. Trans people exist, and you don’t get the right to decide that your “comfort” matters more than their existence. I vote with my feet. And I’m fucking done with you.
Good night, and get fucked!
I remember this like it was yesterday. I was 18 at the time (yes, I realize I’m dating myself here!), and scared shitless of the implications. All of Europe was in a panic, as was all of the former Soviet Union. 30 years later, the fallout is still being felt: radioactivity is still present, and people are still dying of cancer from it. And worse yet, the levels seem to be on the rise, because the old (hastily built) concrete “sarcophagus” around the power plant is falling apart, and badly needs to be replaced. Once more, the local authorities are in a race against time to avert an even bigger disaster.
If you’re the chief of the Pirate Party of Berlin, and the satire mocks the very thin-skinned president of Turkey, the answer is apparently yes:
And of course, this has NOTHING to do with Europe’s attempt to get Turkey to stem the flow of Syrian refugees through its borders with the rest of the EU. Nothing at all!
“I listened to all kinds of music when I was young, and when I was younger I said one day I was gonna play all kinds of music, and not be judged for the color of my skin, but the quality of my work. And hopefully that will continue.”
Prince Rogers Nelson (yes, that is his real name!) was an innovator from start to finish. He brought together a multitude of influences, but was never beholden to any single one. No matter the song, you knew it had to be Prince when you heard it, because no one else had the daring and the aplomb to pull that off. He broke all the rules of gender, as well as all the rules of genre. He was one of the few artists who could wear full makeup and frilly, colorful outfits and heels, and sing falsetto, and still not come off as a wimp. You can tell he must have stared down more than his share of bullies. Prince was a badass before that word was even coined. The secret was in the way he carried himself, upright and proud. His presence was literally larger than life, because in life, he was tiny — just five feet two, slight and slender. He was also intensely private, and often came off in person as rather shy. His outsize stage persona made you forget all that.
And when he covered other artists, as he often did, he blew the originals out of the water.
Prince was a walking contradiction, though he walked with inordinate confidence. His love of women was no secret, but that openly sensual side was at odds with his fundamentalist religious upbringing and the toxic masculinity of his abusive father. In music he would often mimic a preacher’s intonation, but the style quickly gave way to a diametrically opposed substance:
“In this life, things are much different than in the afterworld. In this life, you’re on your own.”
Prince was on his own, all right, but he generated so much momentum that he was able to pull the most diverse array of fellow artists along in his wake. There were always women in his band, because he loved working with them and believed in their ability to rock, long before the rest of the industry had caught on. And if anyone doubts that he picked them for their talent, just listen to the sound of his bands — the Revolution, and later, the New Power Generation. It was big, it was badass, it was replete with balls AND ovaries. It was male and female, black and white, Latino and Anglo. Prince had a genius for bringing together seemingly contradictory and opposite elements, and making it all work in delectable, cacophonous harmony.
Prince’s sexual conquests were many, and varied; one of his less popular albums was rumored to have actual sex noises on it courtesy of Kim Basinger, with whom he was having an affair at the time. He was deliberately outrageous, but it was not always just outrage for outrage’s sake. There were trenchant messages in his music, right from the get-go:
“People call me rude, I wish we were all nude
I wish there was no black and white, I wish there were no rules.”
Prince stayed out of partisan politics (he even refused to vote after becoming a Jehovah’s Witness), but he had a song (from the same early album as the one above) called “Ronnie, Talk to Russia”, which made it clear that he was pro-peace long before a certain former actor told Mikhail Gorbachev to “tear down this wall”. A simple but sensible outlook, and certainly one that doesn’t require a party membership card.
Mostly, though, what sticks with me is his overt vulnerability; all the sexual braggadocio in the world can’t touch what the very first Prince song I ever heard (at 15) did to me, with its open confession to being intimidated by a partner who was much more experienced than he:
Sadly, in it I also now hear the seeds of his demise; he told the unknown girl in the Corvette that she was “much too fast” and had to slow down or she’d run “right into the ground”, but he didn’t heed his own warning. His own life’s pace seemed to keep picking up until it suddenly crashed a few days ago, not long after he was treated in Illinois for a near-fatal drug overdose. If this alleged former drug dealer is to be believed, Prince may have had a well-hidden opioid addiction that led to an accidental, fatal overdose (the coroner’s report is not yet in, at this writing). It might go a long way, also, toward explaining his strange behaviors, since the alleged dealer says he self-medicated because of crippling social anxiety, and depended on the drugs to function with some semblance of normality. His broken family history is already known; such circumstances are often a factor in an addict’s personality. Certainly his religious fundamentalisms pointed that way already; people can as easily become addicted to Jesus as to any dope in the world, and his compulsive way of going about it suggests that he was a junkie to the opiate (or opioid?) of the masses as well.
It’s rumored that his vault at Paisley Park Studio contains some 20,000 unreleased songs; if true, that speaks to a definite workaholic tendency. It also means that we’ll be in Prince songs for many a decade to come, if they ever are released. And more than anything else, it will make it feel as though his purple reign had never, and will never, come to an end. And it can’t. Because Prince, being the magnificent control freak he was, will never let it. Not even in death.
Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Earth Day to all. This week’s wankapedia is dedicated to all victims of 7-11, whoever they may be. No doubt they’re all gathered around the Great Slurpee Machine in the Sky. Meanwhile, here on Earth, we have the following dipshits, in no particular order:
1. Bill Fucking Clinton. Look, I know you’re rooting for the wife and all, but must you make Bernie’s supporters — who are also your target votership — out to be thugs in your efforts to downplay all that Wall Street cash in your wife’s coffers? Because, you know, that’s going to come back to bite you later. It ought to be beneath you, but since it isn’t — put a sock in it, Bill, and sit the hell DOWN. PS: Or maybe right now. Ha, ha.
2. Marilyn Fucking Gladu. Any teenager who wants to commit suicide over a first love gone wrong isn’t going to bother going to an adult for help with it. Much less a doctor, who they KNOW is going to not only say no, but tell their parents as well. Did that ever occur to her? Nope. I guess the fumes in Chemical Alley must be really bad if they’re causing her to forget what it was like to be a kid. Or to make up non-issues to whip up voter “concern” over legislation that isn’t even controversial, and which doctors have been seeking for decades.
3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Gosh, 97% of climate scientists must be wrong about climate change, because 3% still “disagree” with them! Never mind that 3% are either terribly bad at interpreting data, because Moosolini just knows they’re right!
4. Stephen Fucking Marche. He must not have spent much time in locker rooms, because seriously — who the hell talks about boobs they’ve sucked while trying studiously to avoid glancing at the next guy’s dick? But thanks, fella, for downplaying the dangers of the “men’s rights” movement. I’m sure women will just love you for it.
5. Susan-Anne Fucking Wright. “Biblically correct” is the new “politically correct”, it seems. Unfortunately, it’s not only out of date, it’s just plain WRONG. And you’re just a plain idiot.
6. Blake Fucking Zengo. Funny how rearranging the letters of frat gives you fart. And how you’re going to go down in history not as a frat boy, but as a FART boy. Fitting!
7. Jim Fucking McCullough. Trudizzle has presser, as politicians do. Trudizzle shows that he cares about science, even if his answer wasn’t technically correct. Right-wing blogger throws hissyfit, compares Canada to North Korea, as right-wing bloggers do. Absent from discourse: Any mention of how slavish the media were to the notoriously science-averse and muzzle-mad Stephen Fucking Harper, who quit giving pressers years ago, and bullied the press at dull photo-ops, but still got endorsements from all the usual suspects. PS: Ha, ha, oops. So much for “staged”.
8. Nathan Fucking Alberson. Who the hell writes sexist open letters to fictional characters from movies? Christers with waaaayyyyy too much time on their hands. Who else?
9. Jim Fucking Stachowiak. Hey, remember him from last week? Well, his anti-Muslim rally was an epic fail. Only one other person showed up. Probably only out of boredom. Ha, ha.
10. Sheila Fucking Butt. You know how some people’s names describe them perfectly? Well, just look at her surname and you will know all. Racism, sexism, LGBT-phobia — what’s not assy about that?
11. Donald Fucking Drumpf. Yes, he really said that. It was good for YUGE laughs, and not much else. Real 9-11 victims and their families, meanwhile, could not care less for his thoughts on the matter. PS: An unregistered plane? Isn’t that ILLEGAL? PPS: Why so thin-skinned? That artist was being generous! PPPS: Ha, ha. PPPPS: Bawww. (Have I got the right number of Ps here? I hope…)
12. James Fucking Forcillo. How absurd is it that he wants house arrest instead of jail for killing Sammy Yatim? Even more absurd than being found guilty of attempted murder. Yes, that’s right…”attempted” murder, even though the victim died, and therefore, the attempt succeeded. Try wrapping your brain around that if you can, mine just hurts.
13. Michelle Fucking Rempel. My, what a lovely, belated, totally self-serving conversion to feminism you’ve had there, Mich. Too bad you’re forgetting how rife Parliament Hill was with sexism when your party was in the governing majority.
14. Pat Fucking Boone. Because it’s only blasphemy when it’s Christian fanatics getting hit with the satire stick, eh? And that about wraps it up for his latest stab at relevance. Time to hang up the leather vest and stop trying to pretend you’re hip, Pat.
15. Kristi Fucking Merritt. Newsflash, Ignorant Mom on the Internet: Being transgender is not an outfit you put on, it’s an identity that comes from within. Some people have it, and others don’t, no matter what they all wear. Now take off that sombrero and put away those corn chips, you’re embarrassing yourself. AND your kids.
16. John Fucking Kasich. Just because a belief is “deeply held”, doesn’t mean it’s not also deeply WRONG. And no, LGBT people are under no obligation to “get over” being discriminated against; that’s no longer even an option. And anyone who believes that a state should be allowed to legislate hate, has no business being president of a country.
17. Katie Fucking Hopkins. An unemployed people’s uniform? I have a better idea. Why don’t you just tattoo a fucking swastika on your forehead, so the whole world can finally see where you get your harebrained ideas?
18. Curt Fucking Schilling. Bigoted sportscaster is bigoted. Nice to see that he’s no longer confining his irrational hatred to Muslims only; no, now it’s trans people, too. Whom he apparently can’t tell apart from the People of Wal-Mart. PS: And BOOM. Ha, ha.
19. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Simmer down, Douche-owitz…you won’t ever get to represent Jesus in court. Shouldn’t you be repping real people?
20. Jason Dov Fucking Greenblatt. Looks like Der Drumpf’s “expert” on Israel has no more expertise than Der Drumpf does in politics. Why am I not surprised?
21. Mack Fucking Butler. Gloom, doom, apocalypse…and all for accepting that minorities and LGBT people are human and normal. Fuck the hell off with your prayer-day bullshit.
22. Chuck Fucking Wright. Minorities, the most racist people in the US? Nuh-unh, dude…and if you want to know who it really is, just look in your own damn mirror. Also, stop dragging the black people you know into this. If you’re against anyone who’s fighting for their right to equality, you are NOT their “friend”.
23. Wolf Fucking Blitzer. How old is he? So old he can’t tell the difference between Prince and Jimi Hendrix, who died more than four decades apart. Apparently black people don’t just look alike to these ‘winger bozos, they also SOUND alike.
24. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Because even the death of Prince is still an excuse for him to blow his goddamn horn and brag about the cruelty of his fucking jails. Old man, why couldn’t it be YOU instead of him?
25. Peter Fucking Christian Fucking Jensen the Fucking IV. Why all the Fucking? Because that’s how religiously idiotic you have to be to think that the laws of the land — and the road — don’t apply to you just because of your stupid religious beliefs. Guess what: Your “sovereign citizen” shit won’t fly in any real court of any real law. Now pay up and fuck off, moron.
26. Carl Fucking Benjamin. You can always tell who was too dumb to get into college by the fact that they know nothing about what’s actually being taught there. Case in point: this moron, who calls himself Sargon of Akkad. And who doesn’t know shit about the real Sargon — or his kick-ass daughter — either. Gee, Carl, maybe you need to take one of those “social justice courses” you rail against, eh?
27. Justin Fucking Bieber. That’s right, dudeling, you’re not as great as Prince was. And even if you live to be 100, you never will, either. Listen up, you little shit: It’s not all about you. It will never be about you. DEAL WITH IT, SQUIRT.
28. Jamie Fucking Reece Fucking Moore. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb you have to be to (a) call for lynchings on the internet, and (b) think that anonymity is somehow going to protect you.
29. Michael Fucking Orten. Whatever happened to Personal Responsibility? Funny how right-wing “Christians” always throw it out the window where rape is concerned, and blame the victim instead. Even if she’s only 13, they still think she’s a jezebel. Somehow, it’s never rapists who are guilty of rape! Maybe because for them, it’s not a crime but a “sin”…and “sinners”, as we all know, are the real victims…of “temptation”. Fuck this fucking noise!
30. James Fucking Sears. Kiss your little hate-lit project goodbye, “Dr.” Sears, a.k.a. “Dimitri the Lover”, better known as “that fucking Nazi creep who got kicked out of the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons for sexually assaulting women”. And Godspeed to Richard Warman et al, because it’s high time someone stopped this asshole.
And finally, to all the idiotic fucking racist shitheads who are even now hate-wanking over Prince’s not-yet-cold corpse because they thought he was gay. Guess you hadn’t heard about his religious conversion, eh? His views on gay people were, if I’m reading this correctly, more in line with those of his haters than they were with those of all the queer folk who loved him. And man oh man, is THAT ever fucking ironic. But what do you expect from people who waste all their time judging, rather than bothering to check a few basic facts? I mean, it’s not like his music wasn’t a broad hint that he was pretty much a flaming heterosexual or anything.
Good night, and get fucked!
“The honor and glory of a Mary Wollstonecraft or of a Louise Michel are not enhanced by the City Fathers of London or Paris naming a street after them — the living generation should be concerned with doing justice to the living Mary Wollstonecrafts and Louise Michels. Posterity assigns to men like Wendel Phillips and Lloyd Garrison the proper niche of honor in the temple of human emancipation; but it is the duty of their contemporaries to bring them due recognition and appreciation while they live.”
— Hippolyte Havel, from his biographical sketch of Emma Goldman