Sam Bee takes on Sebaaaaaastian Goooooooorka

Because I’m too tired to write much, please enjoy some comedy at the expense of a pompous idiot with a bad face merkin. Or, as Sam puts it: “a cruise-ship magician’s facial hair”.

Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Cool Beans, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Fascism Without Swastikas, Hungarian Goulash, Men Who Just Don't Get It, The Hardcore Stupid, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off on Sam Bee takes on Sebaaaaaastian Goooooooorka

Who the hell is Stephen Fucking Bannon?

26 minutes of your time, folks. That’s all Abby Martin needs to lay out the facts. If your hair’s not turning white by the end of it, you weren’t paying attention. (Either that, or you must already be white-haired…or bald.)

About the only things she hasn’t touched on here are Bannon’s reverence for actual fascists, like Charles Maurras, or Jean Raspail…that odious shit-puker who authored The Camp of the Saints (which Bannon lovingly references in a steady drumbeat in all his interviews with, of course, right-wing radio gabblers.) He cites these just to keep his anti-immigrant agenda at the top of people’s minds, and no doubt to get them reading the same crapaganda that nourished his own Nazism. Bannon’s “economic nationalism” is straight-up white supremacism, and it’s copied right from Hitler’s own playbook…and those of his little, pathetic sycophants. One has only to add up all the dots, from his insistence on “Black Crime” getting its own header at Breitbart (and Drumpf’s similar insistence on “immigrant crime” — where have we seen THAT before?), to his preference for fascist novels over facts on the ground. Nothing these people do is new, and none of it is for the good.

And if the spotlight ever really comes on to his abuse of women and children (and his association with sex-traffickers), it will be game over. Lights out. House of cards demolished. But it can never come a minute too soon, and with every day he’s in the White House, the damage is being irrevocably done.

Posted in All the Tea in China, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Economics for Dummies, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, Guns, Guns, Guns, Isn't That Illegal?, Isn't That Racist?, Mobsters, Newspeak is Nospeak, Sick Frickin' Bastards, The United States of Amnesia, The War on Terra | Comments Off on Who the hell is Stephen Fucking Bannon?

Headline Howler: FUX Snooze finally gets an accurate chyron

Finally, FUX Snooze accidentally lets slip just how useless and worthless their crap is. Makes sense really, since it panders to a literally dying demographic, namely cranky old white men who like to gawk at leggy young blondes.

But in response to the $0.64* question: Yes, families — and people without them — DO want to hear what the FBI is finding out about Drumpf and his illicit dealings abroad, and not just in Russia. What we don’t want, though, is a talking-bubblehead show crammed with stupidities about what we shouldn’t be watching right now. Like, for example, this:

The Security Moms are both a regular Fox News segment and an archetype that tends to pop up during elections: women who loves their families in a particular way that translates into endless military intervention and, as one lady on the panel put it brightly, “deporting illegals.” It does not involve that Russia stuff, and shame on you for asking.

“Why is the mainstream media harping on the Russia story?” asked Fox and Friends’ current blonde host, incredulously.

“Basically because it’s a way for them to undermine President Trump’s presidency,” one of the moms, Beth Parlato, explained serenely. (Parlato is also an attorney focusing on family law.) “They want to infer that he shouldn’t have won and he’s not their president. So they want to keep their story going. And personally I think the left needs to stop their whining. We all know that cybersecurity is an issue. It’s a fact that the DNC was hacked by Russia. so why doesn’t the left get onboard with President Trump and his administration and let’s work on —it’s a nonpartisan issue, the national security.”

“Let me just ask: are any of you concerned that President Trump, his campaign colluded with Russia to get elected?” the host asked.

“No,” they all responded in unison.

Wow. My IQ actually dropped a dozen points just reading that. And that was without me bothering to watch these ultra-basic, gum-snapping Valley Girls on the squawkybox. Good thing, too, as I can ill afford to lose any more brain cells.

It really is about time that tired old channel got a new tagline. How bout this? “FUX Snooze: Making Amurrica Even Stupider — er, GREAT AGAIN!”

Just trips off the tongue, that does.

*Amount adjusted for inflation.

Posted in Crapagandarati, Headline Howlers, Mexican Standoffs, Newspeak is Nospeak, Teh Russkies, The United States of Amnesia, The War on Terra | Comments Off on Headline Howler: FUX Snooze finally gets an accurate chyron

And now, a little something from Bolivia.

Yes, that’s right. Bolivia has crossing guards dressed as zebras (for the black-and-white striped crosswalks on the pavement, also called “zebras”, which all the drivers ignored, until now.) It’s a win-win-win solution for three problems: horrendous traffic, unemployment, and troubled youngsters in need of a fresh start.

Also, it’s cute as hell.

Posted in All About Evo, Cool Beans | Comments Off on And now, a little something from Bolivia.

Music for a Sunday: Chuck Berry, sadly missed

Yesterday, Chuck Berry died at age 90. That’s a long time for anybody to stick around, never mind a rock star. But he was the original one, with on-stage dancing (his famous “duck walk”, and that crazy skippity-hop thing) that matched the tremendous energy of his sound:

My personal fave of his? What else:

And if that riff and the cheering it prompted sound familiar, that’s because it’s the inspiration for these four fabbos:

That’s right, folks, without Chuck, the Beatles would never have had that wildly contagious sound. It wouldn’t be quite accurate to call him the original Beatle, though. He was original…period.

And he will be much missed here.

Posted in Music for a Sunday | Comments Off on Music for a Sunday: Chuck Berry, sadly missed

Quotable: Don Freeman on anarchy vs. capitalism

Posted in Economics for Dummies, Filthy Stinking Rich, Quotable Notables | Comments Off on Quotable: Don Freeman on anarchy vs. capitalism

Wankers of the Week: My spycrowave knows all your secrets!


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy St. Patrick’s Day to all the Irish folks out there. Special shout-out to one of them whom the Irish are reluctant to claim, Kellyanne Fucking Conway, who as usual supplied all the (inadvertent) mirth and merriment of the week in the form of some truly nonsensical blarney about microwaves turning into cameras and spying on you. Thanks, Barrick O’Bama! And thanks to all these others, too — not necessarily Irish, and in no particular order:

1. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. Is that any way to talk to Trevor Noah, who is funnier in his sleep than you ever were while wide awake? And really, is that any way to talk for someone whose family came to the US (NOT America, just the US) on a boat?

2. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Newty, Newty, Newty…PLEASE stop angling for relevance. Or for positions within the Drumpf “administration” (note the quotes, there for a reason). That ship has sailed, and when it hits the inevitable iceberg and sinks, it will only take you down with it.

3. Fareed Fucking Zakaria. I haven’t trusted this two-bit shit pundit since he first came out in favor of Dubya’s wars. I can see that my good judgment still holds. There is literally NO comparison between Steve Fucking Bannon — an alcoholic Nazi crapagandist — and Howard Zinn, a beloved and rightly respected leftist historian. N-O-N-E. And how embarrassing IS it when professors and legal experts have to write to the Washington Post to set them straight on that?


4. Jason Fucking Kendall. White guy walks into Middle-Eastern restaurant, is shocked to see Middle Easterners working there, starts screaming and hitting one with a pipe? Hardly. This was a targeted attack, and now he’s in jail. Maybe he might want to think twice before taking it upon himself to be a one-man immigration and deportation department in future, hmmm?

5. Richard Fucking Lloyd. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here’s one who threw a complete shit-tantrum when an Indian convenience store owner, whom he mistook for an Arab Muslim, didn’t have the “right” kind of juice, and decided it was time to run all the Ay-rabs out of town (and country) for that.

6. Sean Fucking Hannity. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without the Baby Jesus, here’s him bawling his fool eyes out again and stirring up trolls into misgendering Chaz Bono in his flailing desperation to bitch-slap a liberal. You’re welcome.


7. Kayla Fucking Dee. Soooooo, if your own kids die of polio because you refused to vaccinate them, that’s just God’s plan? Well, then. I bet you won’t bother to cry when it happens. Because anyone who’s that blithe about contagious, lethal, preventable diseases is a certifiable sociopath. And anyone who’d think their own kids will be spared because God makes special plans for them is a certifiable idiot.

8. Steve Fucking King. Well, look who just went full fascist. Some jackass from Iowa who just endorsed Geert Fucking Wilders, and in turn had David Fucking Duke endorse him. I’m sure that will go down so well, ha ha. And I’m sure you won’t ever be primaried on account of THAT, either. PS: Ooooo, what have we here? Smells like a scandal. And massage oil. PPS: Ha, ha! PPPS: And holy shit, he is dafter than Charles Fucking Manson. Take a bobby pin and burn a swastika into your forehead, Stevie.

9. Sean Fucking Spicer. Because when questioned about his creeping fascism, the White House Easter Bunny responded in a creepy, fascist manner. Happily, the woman he insulted didn’t take it lying down. Or the insults she got for it from ‘wingers on the tweeter, either.


10. Alex Fucking Jones. Puddemup! Puddemup, I say! Careful, dude, that’s Alec Baldwin you’re challenging. Not only might he just take you up on your unkind offer; if he did, he would whup your pudgy redneck ass. Because he’s kind of used to doing that already.

11. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Surprise! Sometimes, a site that appeals to Nazis gets some ACTUAL ones to come out of the woodwork. Did Ezra Fucking Levant really think his islamophobia — oh sorry, anti-Muslim bigotry was somehow special and different? Nope. It’s the same old antisemitism, just aimed at yet another group of non-Christian people. But crank magnetism being what it is, someone who hates the one can just as easily hate the other, provided he’s not the other one himself. Confused yet? Don’t worry, I’m sure it all makes perfect sense over there in Nazi — oh sorry, Alt-Right country. (These fucking snowflakes. You gotta say things just so, or you’ll hurt their fragile feelings. And then they’ll get all triggered and demand an entire country as their safe space!)

12. Ezra Fucking Levant. And while we’re on the subject of #11 and his wankery, Ezzy should be feeling mighty foolish right now for having dragged him along to Israel in an effort to show how “not so bad” the “alt”-right is. Looks like that effort to de-Nazify The Rebel Media™’s image has backfired rather spectacularly. PS: Ha, ha.


13. Lauren Fucking Southern. While we’re still on The Rebel Media™ beat: Never mind that she’s NOT a real journalist, and what she worked for (until recently, when she decided to go full Nazi) was NOT FUCKING EVER a real media outlet. Damned if the little neofascist camp-follower didn’t wangle herself a slot in the White House “press room” (note the quotes, there for a reason). I’d ask who she had to blow (hopefully only in the metaphorical sense) to get in there, but I already have a fair idea. Oh well, at least she’s not stinking up my beautiful, multicultural country anymore with her bilious monotone vomit. Girl, BYE.

14. Joan Fucking Huffman. Did a microwave spy on her? Nope. She just forgot her mike was open before telling a trans man (who is also a doctor who treats trans people) that he was a “pervert”. For being trans. Funny, but the only perversion I could see was in her thought processes. But isn’t it just like a ‘winger to project their own problems onto others?

15. Theresa Fucking May. Yes, that’s satire…but it’s funny because it’s true. She really does have zero sense of irony. Ha, ha.


16. Jon Fucking Jafari. Well, well. Look who’s a Nazi apologist. Yup. THIS guy. And he’s carrying water for #8, of all the stupid-ass motherfuckers. Talk about giving online gamers a bad name…as if the GamerGits hadn’t already done nearly enough on that front. And given that this guy is half Iranian, there’s also a huge fucking shitload of irony in his apologia. Because his dad came from one of the seven countries Drumpf is trying to ban Muslims from entering from, natch. And that makes HIM one of the “other people’s babies” that #8 wants to ban.

17. Felix Fucking Kjellberg. And while we’re on the subject of Nazi apologia that gives gamers a bad name, how about HIM? Yeah, he’s learned nothing from his last brush with negative public opinion. And that’s why he gets no quarter here. The “sorry you didn’t get my lame sense of humor” thing is so fucking old already. Except, of course, to meatspace Beavises and Buttheads who chuckle at every fart joke as if it were the witticisms of Noel Coward.

18. Larry Fucking Klayman. Is it just my eyes, or does he look like he’s in the last stages of liver disease? Certainly this fucking whackjob talks like he never could put a bottle down, so it wouldn’t surprise me.


19. Ralph Fucking Shortey. Dude, just change your name to Ralph Fucking Shorteyes. It fits. And how many right-wing, anti-LGBT politicians does this make now who were caught at motels with underage kids? I’ve lost count. PS: Aaaand BOOM. Yeah, tell us again about how trans women in bathrooms are so dangerous, but right-wing politicians prostituting someone else’s kids aren’t.

20. Pat Fucking McCrory. So your stupid anti-LGBT legislation has made you unemployable, has it? Well, boo fucking hoo. Now you know how LGBT people feel when people like you treat THEM as pariahs.

21. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Liar, liar, pants on fire — plane got caught in a telephone wire? Nope. Kevvy was just caught fibbing to Winnipeggers about a flight out of TO that didn’t get cancelled due to bad weather.


22. Allison Fucking Pearson. “Off with Nicola Sturgeon’s head”? What fucking century is this, again? And coming not long after Jo Cox’s murder for opposing the Brexit, how fucking irresponsible can one get?

23. Mick Fucking Mulvaney. Cutting Meals on Wheels is “compassionate”? In what bizarre parallel universe is it even remotely that? I have a better idea: How about we cut HIS salary, along with security for all of Drumpf’s trips to Florida AND his fucking border wall, and save seniors and the disabled who need that food?

24. Arthur Fucking Orr. And sticking with the uncompassionate conservative theme for a moment, how about him? How are working poor people supposed to get to their jobs (and bring home the food-stamp bacon) if they can’t even own a car? I say we cut HIM off, too.


25. Rex Fucking Tillerson. Duck and cover, kiddies, Exxon’s secretary of state has just declared war on North Korea. Which may or may not have nukes capable of reaching North America. Feelin’ screwed yet? Please, whoever’s in charge of that nuclear football — HIDE IT FROM HIM AND DONNIE, Y’HEAR?

26. Lynn Fucking Beyak. Oh Lord, HER again. Senator Stupid Shit just doesn’t know when to stop fucking talking. And now she’s pulling the “fake news” card. Resign, you useless, racist eater.

27. Charla Fucking McComic. No, teabagger, Drumpfcare hasn’t taken effect yet. In fact, it hasn’t even been agreed upon, much less enacted. What you’re talking about there is that evil, wicked Obamacare you hated so much. Feel embarrassed yet? Don’t worry, you will…when you get stuck with bills you’ll never be able to pay.


28. Pamela Fucking Geller. What the hell is this professional troll doing in getting all worked up over a school board in Brampton? As usual, mixing herself in where she doesn’t belong, and stirring up hate where none was before. In other words: Cooking up the All-Amurrican grilled bullshit sandwiches, same as she always does.

29. Mike Fucking Pence. Who the hell says “Top of the morning” in Ireland, ever? Literally no one. And that wasn’t even the most cringeworthy part of today’s visit. Poor Enda Kenny had to sit through an awful lot of guff. But hey! At least he got in a fine dig at Drumpf…one so fine that the latter isn’t going to realize what it was until Mr. Kenny is back on Irish turf.

30. John Fucking Rivello. Sending a flashing graphic to a journalist you know to be epileptic, with an eye to provoking a seizure (which of course it did)? That’s attempted murder. Telling him he deserved it, and being just one of a flock of trolls all doing the same? Yeah. That’s a fucking wank. Hope you enjoy jail, asshole.


And finally, to Der Fucking Drumpf himself. From his failure to shake Angela Merkel’s hand to his idiot followers urging a boycott of Hawaii (which is slated to fail spectacularly!), there is literally nothing he and his didn’t wank at this week. And we all know where he’ll be sulking over it yet again this weekend, for the umpth straight weekend in a row. Hey! All those useless seniors, disabled folks and schoolkids aren’t entitled to free meals, but the World’s Biggest Manbaby is still, inexplicably, under Secret Service protection. As is Trophy Wife #3, who is understandably reluctant to be in the same time zone with him. For how much longer? Nobody knows. Pardon me while I consult my spycrowave.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week | Comments Off on Wankers of the Week: My spycrowave knows all your secrets!

Sebastian Gorka, super senius…

Hey! Remember Drumpf’s so-called terrorism expert, Sebaaaaaaastian Goooooorka, Super Genius? Well, it looks like he’s had a little run-in with a speeding train called Reality:

Sebastian Gorka, President Trump’s top counter-terrorism adviser, is a formal member of a Hungarian far-right group that is listed by the U.S. State Department as having been “under the direction of the Nazi Government of Germany” during World War II, leaders of the organization have told the Forward.

The elite order, known as the Vitézi Rend, was established as a loyalist group by Admiral Miklos Horthy, who ruled Hungary as a staunch nationalist from 1920 to October 1944. A self-confessed anti-Semite, Horthy imposed restrictive Jewish laws prior to World War II and collaborated with Hitler during the conflict. His cooperation with the Nazi regime included the deportation of hundreds of thousands of Jews into Nazi hands.

Gorka’s membership in the organization — if these Vitézi Rend leaders are correct, and if Gorka did not disclose this when he entered the United States as an immigrant — could have implications for his immigration status. The State Department’s Foreign Affairs Manual specifies that members of the Vitézi Rend “are presumed to be inadmissible” to the country under the Immigration and Nationality Act.

Gorka — who Vitézi Rend leaders say took a lifelong oath of loyalty to their group — did not respond to multiple emails sent to his work and personal accounts, asking whether he is a member of the Vitézi Rend and, if so, whether he disclosed this on his immigration application and on his application to be naturalized as a U.S. citizen in 2012. The White House also did not respond to a request for comment.

But Bruce Einhorn, a retired immigration judge who now teaches nationality law at Pepperdine University, said of this, “His silence speaks volumes.”

Well, it seems that the Suuuuuper Geeeeenius has broken his silence now, and it’s only to say what anyone could have predicted he would:

Sebastian Gorka, a top national security adviser to President Trump, has denied reports that he is a member of and took an oath of loyalty to a Nazi-allied group.

On Thursday, The Forward reported that Gorka is a member of Historical Vitézi Rend, a far-right Hungarian group that had ties to the Nazi party from the World War II era.

When BuzzFeed News reached Gorka by phone on Thursday, he stonewalled when asked about the report. “Send a request to White House press,” Gorka told BuzzFeed News. Captain Gyula Soltész, a current leader in the Historical Vitézi Rend in Hungary, later told BuzzFeed News that Gorka is a current member.

So, just to recap: He denied (and lamely tried to give the media the run-around), but a simple howdy-do to the so-called order’s current head confirmed that yup, he’s one of theirs. Fact-checking: What even is that shit?

Whatever that shit is, it’s something “Doctor” Gooooooorka has clearly never done in his life, or else he wouldn’t have written such laughable term papers and tried to pass them off as doctoral material. Or proudly pinned a brooch from a known Nazi-symp organization to his suitcoat on every conceivable occasion, either.

Posted in Der Drumpf, Fascism Without Swastikas, Hungarian Goulash, Isn't It Ironic? | Comments Off on Sebastian Gorka, super senius…

West Virginia feels the Bern

Holy frack. You have GOT to see this town-hall meeting Bernie Sanders attended in McDowell County, West Virginia:

McDowell has the distinction of being the setting of Homer Hickam’s memoir, Rocket Boys (and the movie based on it, October Sky). It’s overwhelmingly dependent on coal mines for its economic survival, with a long history of company towns and brutal anti-union violence. It’s the poorest, most economically depressed county in the US. It’s also the one that went most overwhelmingly for Drumpf…though not because of anything the man himself promised (which was all bullshit and hot air anyway, and the local folks probably knew it), but because he was plainly and simply not Hillary Clinton. She was perceived as one of those out-of-touch neoliberal/neo-conservative elites that the locals have plenty of cause to dislike and mistrust (because guess who screwed them out of everything, time and again? Yup.) And when the DNC rigged its own primaries against Bernie, they had no other option except Big Dumb Orange You Know Who. Being told that Drumpf “loves coal” isn’t what did it; not getting the Democrat they wanted and needed was. (West Virginia went overwhelmingly to Bernie Sanders in the primaries.)

But although Drumpf has essentially turned his back on the place now that he got to where he wanted to be, Bernie sure hasn’t. And the locals will not forget him. He’s the man who should have run against Drumpf, because he’d have won. He speaks to them plainly and simply, yes…but he doesn’t insult their collective intelligence. He knows their value, and he knows they’re not dumb. He also knows they had nothing worthwhile to choose from once the primaries ended. So he’s back there again, talking and listening, and no doubt working on a real economic plan to revive the region, even though it’s a long way from his native Brooklyn (and his current home state of Vermont).

What will it look like? No doubt a lot greener than the current, coal-dusted vision that Drumpf has for his industry-owning, regulation-hating cronies. The fact that the miners in the room all agree that they’d take non-coal jobs, as long as they paid as well as coal, raises the possibility of, say, wind farms on the mountaintops, instead of slack dumps and polluted streams. Those take skilled workers to build and maintain. Black lung isn’t an issue there, as it is in the mines. That’s just one of several possibilities, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if Bernie has thought of it already.

Keep watching him, folks.

Posted in Der Drumpf, Economics for Dummies, Environmentally Ill, Isn't It Ironic?, The Bern, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off on West Virginia feels the Bern

Stupid Sex Tricks: Forget spycrowaves. How about spybrators?

Relax, your nuker isn’t spying on you. But if you bought this internet-capable sex toy, guess what? You’re about to have your privacy invaded on a whole new level:

Two anonymous women who alleged an Ottawa sex toy company was collecting real-time data on their use of an Internet-connected vibrator without their consent have reached a US$3.75 million settlement with the firm.

Under the terms of the settlement, Standard Innovation Corp. has agreed to destroy the personal information it has collected from users of the vibrator and stop collecting such information from now on. The vibrator, known as the We-Vibe Rave, could be paired with a smartphone app to allow a partner to control it remotely.

So, if you’re one of the 300,000 who bought one of these, and one of the approximately 100,000 who used them with internet capability, good news! There’s anywhere between $199 and $10,000 in smelly green US smackeroos in it for you.

If you’re not too embarrassed to try and collect, that is.

PS: Oh shit, this actual spybrator has been out since last year, too. Nope nope nope nope, DO NOT WANT.

Posted in Spooks, Stupid Sex Tricks, The WTF? Files | Comments Off on Stupid Sex Tricks: Forget spycrowaves. How about spybrators?