Wankers of the Week: The suspense is killing me


Crappy weekend, everyone! And so it begins…the long and torturous wait for this election to finally be over, and for the ineligible tortoise to be pulled down from the post where he got left, God only knows how. The Post Tortoise promised to keep us in suspense, and by God, he has. But the suspense is killing me. And you know who I wish it would kill for real? These people…in no particular order:

1. Mike Fucking Pence. Not to let Drumpfy totally hog the limelight here, but his running mate is also a real piece of shit, as anyone from Indiana can attest (and I have friends there who do). And if you wonder just how shitty he is, get this: He doesn’t even understand how Michelle Obama could dare to denounce his running mate for grabbing women by the crotch. Which I guess stands to reason, given that Not-Worth-Tuppence is also a genital-grabber in the sense that he never met an anti-choice law he couldn’t force on women, much the same as Drumpf and his crotch-grabbing.

2. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Ladies! Have you ever been groped by a really handsy guy and described him as being like an octopus? Then JuiceBro thinks you’re lying! Not that his opinion matters for a hill of beans in this world, much less that it has any bearing on your experiences or your memory thereof. But he has it, and that’s why he’s a wanker.

3. David Fucking Clarke. Uh, sheriff? You ARE aware, I hope, that pitchfork-and-torch lynchings are illegal, right? RIGHT???


4. Jon Fucking Girodes. Hey! Remember this guy? Last week he was a wanker for playing to racist food stereotypes in Harlem. This week, he’s in JAIL! For a rental scam. Imagine that!

5. Matt Fucking Bevin. What does an ideological fight look like? As it happens, an awful lot like rioting and terrorism. And this doofus is apparently calling for both. What do you bet he’ll play dumb when he actually GETS them?

6. Thomas Fucking Walkom. Wow, I never thought I’d have to wank-list him, but here we are, and here it is. Donald Drumpf “may be” dangerous and awful? Um, what’s “may” about it? He IS dangerous and awful. No ifs, ands or buts. He doesn’t make sense even “sometimes”! And what plan does he have for dealing with Syria? So far I haven’t seen any, much less a better one than his opponent. You call this analysis? I could eat a bowl of Alpha-Bits and shit a better one.


7. Devin Fucking Saucier. Would it surprise you greatly that the guy who held up a sign saying it was “better to grab a pussy than to be one” is actually a Nazi? No? Oh good. Because he sure as fuck IS. And he has a very punchable face, too.

8. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. So, who said you couldn’t serve two masters? Looks like someone is having no trouble answering both to Der Drumpf AND the Chicken Noodle Network at the same time…

9. W. Tucker Fucking Keene. What’s the W stand for? Wrong, Wuss, Wimp, Warped? Your guess is as good as mine. But those fliers he sent out are most definitely illegal. As is voter intimidation, which is what they’re full of.


10. Carl Fucking Unger. He’s worried about Hillary and her period. Touching! But seeing as she’s in her late 60s and has surely been postmenopausal for quite some time, I don’t think he needs to worry. Maybe he should worry more about Drumpf, who can’t seem to keep his hands off of things where they don’t belong.

11. Howard Fucking Stern. Yeah, surprise…the man who likes to play the bongos on women’s butts won’t replay his notorious interviews with Der Drumpf because — and I quote — “it would be a betrayal”. Howie, Howie, Howie…you run a sexist shitshow. Would it kill you to betray a fellow sexist, just this once?

12. Dan Fucking Bowman. Someone please remind this redneck thug that assassination threats are not protected speech under the First Amendment, and attempting to make good on them doesn’t fall under the Second Amendment, either. PS: And he’s a repeat offender! He told the Boston Globe that he wanted to attempt a coup. That’s not how democracy works. And that’s not “patriotism”, either. Jail for him, NOW.


13. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Can you say BRAINWASHED, kiddies? That’s right, that’s what she is. Apparently now she thinks the whole brag about sexual assault was Billy Fucking Bush’s doing, and that he was just “egging” Der Drumpf on. Oh, and that it was just “boy talk”. Psst, lady…wanna buy a bridge in Brooklyn? PS: Ha, ha.

14. Ezra Fucking Levant. First he goes around calling Pierre Trudeau a slut. Now he wants the “slut’s” son to intervene so his shitty little blog can get credentials to cover the UN climate conference from its pro-oil, anti-environmental, anti-UN slant? Oh Ezzy, whatever happened to your free-market freedumb of screech? Now hear this, Putz: FREEDOM OF SPEECH DOESN’T MEAN FREEDOM FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE DUMB-ASS SHIT YOU SAY. Also, didn’t you admit you were not a journalist? And doesn’t that mean that your “media” outlet…isn’t one at all? And therefore, NOT entitled to credentials anywhere? Consequences, me boyo.

15. Ryan Fucking Williams. Isn’t it sad when you reach the ripe old age of 19 and still don’t understand how women’s bodies work? Or go on thinking, despite women in your life who could enlighten you otherwise, that women should go on paying taxes on tampons and shut up about it, because they can supposedly hold their period till they get to a toilet? Spoiler: We can’t. We really, REALLY can’t. It’s not PEE, you moron. Oh, and guess what: He’s pro-Brexit, too. See what happens when you don’t have adequate public education, Britain?


16. Pat Fucking McCrory. Boo fucking hoo, he and his wife are now being shunned because North Carolina has become synonymous with anti-LGBT hate. Well, dude, now you know how it feels to be an outsider in your own state. At least a little bit. And if you don’t like it, you know what to do. But will you do it? NOOOOOO! So, no pity from me. PS: And that goes double after seeing this. Nobody FORCED you to do it, Paddy…you did it out of your own spite, nothing else. Take some fucking responsibility already!

17. Brad Fucking Salzberg. Oh yay, Canada now has an “official” racist “party”. Only on the ballot in BC, but no doubt in reaction to all the local Asian immigrants, especially the Chinese. It’s the bastard offspring of Drumpf and PEGIDA. And guess who’s at the head of this anti-immigrant “party”? Yeah. A guy with a non-Anglo, non-French name. Irony, thy name is Brad.

18. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Newsflash: Bernie Sanders is not an “extremist” candidate. And Der Drumpf’s supporters aren’t “hurting”. They’re not suffering from anything other than their own stupidity, which is what’s keeping them in blind thrall to capitalism and the very elite that’s ripping them off. If they were smart — or at least better educated — they’d recognize him as their class enemy. And recognize that the only problem with the Bern is that he isn’t anywhere NEAR radical enough to deal consquently with the problem.


19. Scott Fucking Adams. Who but the mediocre mind that gave us Dilbert could make minor Twitter glitches out to be…gasp…TREASON? Because, as everyone knows, the fate of the United States and its democratic republican freedumbs totally hinges on what some silly, boring menzer cartoonist has to say! Except that no, nobody’s paying attention at all, and nobody cares. You’re just not that relevant. Maybe try getting robbed in Paris, Scotty.

20. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Well, let’s give Drumpf’s flack credit for one thing: She doesn’t give up. Even when it’s clear that he’s gonna lose, she still acts like he’s winning. Who says the system isn’t rigged? Ha, ha.

21. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Oh, so becoming president would be a “step down” for Big Daddy Drumpf, would it? A step down from WHAT? Because last I looked, I saw that there was literally nothing beneath him. He’s already about as low as you can go, short of tearing the heads off live kittens.


22. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. How do Repugs ever get elected? By rigging elections! Remember Florida, 2000? Classic case.

23. Sarah Fucking Palin. And once more, with feeling: Remember Florida, 2000. Are you gonna kill Dubya and his FUX Snooze cousin too, Screech?

24. Stefce Fucking Kutlesovski. Via Aussie friends, I found out that this one had the chutzpah to illegally demolish a historic Irish pub in Melbourne for some obscene future profit, and has now been ordered to rebuild it, brick by fucking brick. I hope it breaks him.


25. Peggy Fucking Mast. Hitler’s words are “profound”? Yes…profoundly stupid and profoundly WRONG. Just like YOU.

26. Brad Fucking Trost. No, human rights laws are NOT “big government run amok”. They’re human rights laws, and they stand even in the face of Big Conservative Governments like Harpo’s, which routinely ran roughshod over human rights in every part of Canada. This, idiot, is why you and your party are failing. You actually think that people don’t deserve to have their rights protected from business interests and bigots who oppose them. You pitiful, pathetic fucking FOOL.

27. Jason Fucking Kenney. And while we’re on the subject of pitiful, pathetic fucking fools, how about him? He seriously thinks that extending human-rights protections to LGBT people — many of whom are of school-going age — is some kind of “social experiment”. Well, if it is, it’s been a raving success in every country that’s ever tried it. Time Alberta caught up, eh?


28. Jim Fucking Moseley. Meanwhile, on the other side of the border, another kind of culture war is being waged…and it is racist as fuck. Stupid as fuck, too, if the “Christian soldiers” like this one are anything to go by.

29. Jacques Fucking Frémont. So, no investigation for an obscene “pub crawl” at the U of O? What message are we to draw from this? “Boys will be boys, and the old boys will excuse them, because they did the same when they themselves were boys”? Is that it?

30. Brian Fucking Babin. Oh, so sometimes, “a lady needs to be told she’s nasty”? Well, then, “genteel Southerner”, I guess you won’t mind if I call you a sexist old piece of shit. Because sometimes, “gentlemen” need to be told off, too!


And finally, to all the fucking idiot women who support Drumpf and Pence, despite the former’s habit of groping everything within reach, and the latter’s habit of taking away women’s rights at every turn. At long last, have you no shame? Does your face bother you so much that you’d really cut off your noses to spite it? And if it’s “feminazis” that bother you, just remember…you’re dissing the women who won you the right to throw your votes down the crapper. And you don’t have any right to complain at the end of the day, when they flush it. If you really hate feminism so damn much, why not just live your beliefs and NOT FUCKING VOTE? That way, you may still be a fucking idiot, but at least you’ll be a consistent fucking idiot.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week | Leave a comment

A baby named Venezuela

A moment of hope in the midst of devastation. A baby, her mother’s first, is born in Haiti…and her name tells where the hope came from:

A group of Venezuelan doctors from the Simón Bolívar Humanitarian brigade attended a birth on Wednesday in a mountainous zone of Haiti, affected by Hurricane Matthew.

The newborn arrived at 3:10 in the afternoon. The baby’s mother decided to call her “Venezuela” as a gesture of thanks to the doctors who attended the birth. The information was reported earlier by Telesur’s special correspondent in Haiti, Madelein García.

Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro welcomed baby Venezuela via his Twitter account, “to the Great Homeland of the 21st Century. The people’s times are returning, and you will see the dreams of the giants. Amen.”

“Life is born of solidarity, of hope. Today Venezuela was born of a Haitian mother, 200 years after the arrival of Bolívar in Pétion’s Haiti,” wrote the Venezuelan president, in another tweet.

Recently, the Bolivarian government sent 700 tonnes of humanitarian aid materials to Haiti, as well as a load of heavy machinery to remove rubble, rebuild roads, and restore wells.

Translation mine.

Haiti is of great significance to Venezuela, as Madurito alludes; it was the Haitian slave revolts that inspired Venezuela to declare (and fight for) independence from the Spanish empire. Poverty was the price that both lands paid for that rebellion, but democracy remains the reward they both sought. Let’s hope that baby Venezuela will see the realization of those 200-year-old dreams in her lifetime.

Posted in Huguito Chavecito, I Left My Hat in Haiti | Leave a comment

Does somebody’s country need a hug?

Welp. If you’re looking for it north of your border, you’re in luck. We’re giving out free hugs up here to anyone who needs reminding that their country doesn’t need to be “made great again”, but that there’s plenty going on down there that’s good already:

And if that fascist twatwaffle does steal your election after all, you can come crash on our couch. Pinkie-promise.

Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, The United States of Amnesia | Leave a comment

Music for a Sunday: Song for Gaza

The crew of the Zaytouna-Olive, the Women’s Boat to Gaza, set an example for us all. They were illegally arrested in international waters and deported by the Israeli occupation force, but their message is still getting out. And making its way gently around the world.

Posted in Gazing on Gaza, Isn't That Illegal?, Israelly Uncool, Music for a Sunday, Uppity Wimmin | Leave a comment

Wankers of the Week: By the WHAT???


Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a crappy one it is. I have a cold, and I have fifty wankers for you. And it easily could have been more, too, but who has time to read all that? Noooooobody! So, with no further ado, here they are, in no particular order:

1. Rick Fucking Scott. A hurricane has sloshed over Florida. You’d think that was a good reason for extending the voter-registration deadline, but sadly, the Possibly Dumbest Governor in the US disagrees. And he’d rather disenfranchise the poor souls who got caught in the storm, because they’re probably nothing but Dems anyhow and he heads the local pro-Drumpf PAC. Yeah, that’s not a bit corrupt! PS: And BAZINGA. Sorry, Ricky, but what you did there is not kosher. And the courts know it.

2. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Nobody’s asking Drumpf to be a Sunday-school teacher, fuckass. What they want is a candidate who’s not a yet-to-be-convicted fucking FELON. You know, somebody who doesn’t just grab women at random and rape them? Somehow, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

3. Kevin Fucking Pagan. Throwing a beer can at a player during a major-league ballgame? Yup, that’s a wank. But what makes it truly delicious is that he works for a right-wing crapaganda media chain, too. Ha, ha.


4. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the Double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb and blinkered she is to go on blindly supporting Der Drumpf in the face of all the evidence that she really, REALLY shouldn’t. PS: And also, the Fifty Shades of Gross books are NOT what’s at fault here. They’re a symptom, not the disease. The disease is SEXISM, you moron. And what’s more, those books (published in 2011-12) became a thing well AFTER Drumpf’s yucky little chat (2005) with Billy Bush on the bus.

5. Theodore Fucking Beale. Why am I not surprised that the worst damn fantasy writer in the history of ever thinks that Der Drumpf’s vulgarity and gross misogyny are just “alpha talk about women”? Because Teddy Boy is a fucking fascist, and one literally can’t put anything beneath them, that’s why. And if one does, one will soon find them gnawing through it and scraping ever onwards en route to China!

6. Susan Fucking Hutchison. Oh, so Der Drumpf’s vulgarities get a free pass from some Repug women because he made them while still (ostensibly) voting for Democrats? Yeah, that makes it all somehow acceptable. Except that his way of thinking of women hasn’t changed a bit since then, and has only gotten worse. And it applies to all women, regardless of party affiliation, too.


7. Corey Fucking Stewart. Same link, same shit, different outhouse. And as a matter of fact, women DO care about whether a guy is acting like a total frat douche, stupid. Wait till a month from now, and you’ll see exactly how much they care.

8. Bryan Fucking Christopher Fucking Sawyer. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how appalling his racism is. And the fact that he’s no doubt been emboldened to show it by the Rise of Drumpf. And the way this all proves that looks most definitely aren’t everything.

9. James Fucking Wiedmann. Newsflash: “Fame Game” is not a thing. Because being famous alone won’t guarantee that anyone you meet will find you attractive, much less let you do whatever you want to them. Also, vulvae are not “gashes”. But dang, you sure are sounding bitter of late. Probably because, like your hero Drumpf, you are utterly repulsive to women.


10. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Why no, the Drumpf video scandal will not whip up enthusiasm FOR Drumpf. What it will do, is whip up a firestorm of enthusiasm AGAINST him.

11. Alyse Fucking Nicole Fucking Merritt. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to claim that the “Hand of God” protected Florida from Hurricane Matthew when, in fact, the hurricane caused at least six deaths in that state alone, and over 800 more in Haiti. Does your God have something against Haitians, you stooper-stitious twatwaffle?

12. Sean Fucking Hannity. Oh, so Drumpf’s constant game of grab-ass (or grab-CROTCH, rather) is okay because of King David and his harem? Interesting, all the terrible things religion and biblical hoo-ha can just magically turn into no biggie.


13. Richard Fucking Arrowsmith. He’s a pedophile, has a huge stash of vile photos of abused children, has been ordered never to work with kids…and he wants to take time out from jail so he and his poor deluded wife can start a FAMILY? Uh, how about NO?

14. Nigel Fucking Farage. So, bragging about sexual assault is just “something men do”? Waiting for the Not All Men contingent to chime in…any minute now…(crickets) PS: Oh surprise. It’s not his first trip to the rodeo clown show.

15. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Oh sure, a threat to jail one’s opponent is “just a quip”. Not at all dictatorial!


16. Alex Fucking Jones. If Hillary Clinton were really demon-possessed (not that there really is such a thing, but supposing there was), why would she have ANY “people around her” left? Wouldn’t they all have fled screaming for the hills, rather than feed the Most Gullible Conspiracy Kook in the World all this sooooooper-seekwit “insider information”?

17. Pat Fucking Robertson. And while we’re on the subject of demon possession, look at all the satanic shit falling out of Patwa’s mouth. Bragging of committing sexual assault is just “macho” talk? Seriously? Don’t make me dredge up all the machismo you committed in Korea, Paddy-poo.

18. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Speaking of Korea, now I know where the Daily Stormer got his lessons in the rhetoric of crapaganda. He sounds like some poor northern schmo singing the praises of Kim Il Sung. Only there are no televised mass dance shows and military parades for him to talk over. Just the sound of crickets…and that creepy, cokey sniffing noise Drumpf makes whenever he’s “debating”.


19. Vicki Fucking Sciolaro. “God used harlots”? Uh, Der Drumpf isn’t God, much less an instrument thereof, and frankly, that is a really sad comparison to make. Not to mention a terrible insult to harlots.

20. Scott Fucking Adams. Creeping, looming, threatening, and stalking are “persuasion moves”, now? Well, maybe in Drumpfolandia (or the Looking-Glass world of PUAs and Red Pillocks), but out here in the real world, they’re the kind of shit a lot of guys can and do get arrested for. Or should, if any real justice prevailed.

21. Scott Fucking Baio. Oh, so Der Drumpf’s dirty talk about women is just what ALL guys do? How very inconvenient for the Not All Men (crickets) contingent now, eh? Oh, and “grow up” about THAT? Seems like someone’s got some growing up to do, and it’s not women. It’s all these potty-mouthed, gutter-brained men. And just think, you guys…Chachi there has a wife. And he has to go home at night, and presumably kisses her. With THAT mouth. Ewwwww.


22. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. “Selective outrage”? You’re soaking in it, hon. Better pull your hand out if you don’t want it to be eaten down to the bone.

23. Mark Fucking Burnett. Covering Der Drumpf’s butt by punishing leakers who might reveal even worse things about him? That makes me think that this guy, his former producer on that stupid reality show, is just another perv of a feather. After all, these old boys flock together…

24. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Grabbing a woman by the crotch isn’t sexual assault? Well, then, what exactly IS it? Because I know precisely ZERO women who were ever seduced by that method. As to “how it could happen”, it seems to happen often enough. And quite often, in the case of Der Drumpf, because it seems to be a regular go-to move of his. PS: Nice nopology there, Jeffy. Totally reeks of Legitimate Rape. Care to try again? PPS: Sheer tragicomedy gold.


25. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Oh lordy, Bullet Necklace is still babbling? And still making excuses for her boss? And blaming RAP MUSIC for what he did on his own, and has been doing since before rap was even a thing? Well, one can’t deny she’s loyal to him…but really, Katrina? Throwing your sisters under the bus is not a good look. Many are already leaving the party in droves. And with the election now less than a month away, freefall is not where you want to be. PS: Also, your airplane seat claim is false. Ha, ha.

26. Brian Fucking Burston. Meanwhile, Down Under, we have another Drumpfite shitshow already in progress. And it wants its own whole entire TV crapaganda network, too. Because of that imaginary boogyman, Cultural Marxism. How about NO?

27. Stephen Fucking Baldwin. And back to Drumpfolandia, this time with MOAR shitshow! While Big Brother Alec is skewering Drumpf on SNL, Little Brother Stevie is kissing his ass and saying he’s just a fun-loving guy. Yeah, I’m sure it’s all fun and games for HIM. But there’s a reason all the women are screaming and fleeing the Repug party, dude. And it’s not the soggy canapés, either.


28. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Newsflash, dumbass: There’s no such thing as an “alpha personality”. There are only assholes and non-assholes, and bragging about sexual assault is what happens when two assholes come together on a bus. But hey! Isn’t it nice to see that this douche didn’t fall far from the old man’s bag? PS: Ha, ha!

29. Ruth Bader Fucking Ginsburg. Yes, you read that correctly, the Notorious RBG is listed here this week. And it truly pains me to list her, too, but what she said about the “arrogance” and “stupidity” of the legitimate protests of Colin Kaepernick and others just leaves me no choice. Get it through your head, lady: There is NOTHING stupid OR arrogant about protesting racism. It’s only PROTECTING it that’s stupid and arrogant. And you’re doing the latter, whether you realize it or not.

30. Trent Fucking Franks. Newsflash: The culture of the west was “coarse” long before the “left” liberalized abortion, you fucking old nincompoop. Who do you think was causing all those women to scour the back streets for someone to end their unwanted pregnancies by any means possible, even if it spelled their death? I’ll tell you who. It was the old men in charge of the shitshow, who had no problem with rape as long as the victim hid in shame, and was forced to have a rapist’s baby even if it killed her. Men, in short, like YOU.


31 and 32. Jill Fucking Duggar and Derick Fucking Dillard. Hey, Quiverfull-o-stoopids: Instead of ministering to the “spiritually dead” in Central America, how about addressing that massive fucking spiritual deadness at the centre of yourselves? Because I’m pretty sure that anyone who’s really alive between the ears wouldn’t be eagerly looking forward to the fictional “End of Days”, much less assuming that they are going to be among the “saved” just because they’re reproducing willy-nilly and slut-shaming their own sisters while excusing their abusive brothers.

33. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. So, Drumpf’s sexual-assault bragging is not a problem, because “women should not be in authority over men”? Well, fuck that. If us being in authority over you guys means no more crotch-grabbing or pastors getting political at my expense, I’m quite all right with it…no matter what your book of bad fiction says to the contrary!

34. Paul Fucking LePage. No, the US constitution isn’t “broken”. And quite frankly, a “show of authoritarian power” is the LAST thing the country needs. It’s already wallowing in it on multiple levels. And one of them is the governor’s mansion in Maine.


35. Blake Fucking Farenthold. Jesus H. Christ. “You don’t know the whole context”? What “whole context” could there be to a presidential candidate bragging that he likes to sexually assault women? Other than that he really, REALLY likes to sexually assault women? And that he’s done so, repeatedly, for years?

36. Tomi Fucking Lahren. So, if something bugs you, don’t listen? Great idea: I’m not listening to YOU, who have nothing of value to say anyway. But I do wonder how you could go on supporting Drumpf, knowing that he’s likely to grab YOU between the legs if he ever gets the chance.

37. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Liar, liar, pants on…how does that rhyme go? Don’t ask Rudy, he’s apparently gone senile. He can’t remember Hillary Clinton being there on 9-11 even when she was right beside him.


38. Jon Fucking Girodes. How to get Harlem rallying for Drumpf? Feed ‘em full of racist stereotypes and expect gratitude for it. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

39. Michele Fucking Bachmann. How to get evangelical women rallying for Drumpf? Feed ‘em full of bullshit about Hillary somehow being even more dangerous than Ol’ Gropey, because Jeebus. Yeah, that’ll work!

40. Brad Fucking Blakeman. How to get white people rallying for Drumpf? Tell ‘em that the black folks are racist agin ‘em! And never mind that there is literally no such thing as “racism against white people”! And no, “redneck” isn’t a racist term…much less when white people from poor backgrounds knowingly adopt it for themselves.


41. Ben Fucking Carson. You’ve heard “locker room talk” before? Bravo. So has this NFLer, who thinks that the “locker room” excuse is bullshit. Also, it wasn’t a locker room, it was a BUS. And it was on a TV SHOW.

42. John Fucking Stumpf. What to do when the questioning of your conduct gets too hot? Resign…and probably take a nice golden parachute along for the ride, too.

43. Todd Fucking Warnken. O Florida Man, where art thou? New York Man is eating your lunch…or threatening to beat your ass if you don’t like the idea of Drumpf “winning”. (Note the quotes, there fore a reason…)


44. Jerry Fucking Falwell, Jr. Oh crap, there’s a JUNIOR? Yes, there is. And he plans on voting for the serial adulterer and overt pervert, too. With the whole Schmier about “not electing a pope”, yet. Whited sepulchres, line up!

45. Monica Fucking Crowley. No, all these sexual assault allegations are NOT a “co-ordinated attack” on Drumpf. What they are, is evidence that his MO, as mentioned in the Access Hollywood tape, is a frequent go-to. Numerous woman have now come forward to say that the poppings of Tic-Tacs, unwanted kisses, and out-of-the-blue grabs are things he actually DOES.

46. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Is anyone surprised that Billo, he of the shower-sex fantasies concerning his own producer, would dismiss the whole Drumpf assault scandal as just “crude guy talk”? No? Oh goody.


47. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Not surprisingly, the Pigman has a problem with the whole idea of rape having anything to do with consent. Probably because if he had to seek it himself, he’d never get his wick wet. And now we know why he’s had three failed marriages, and his fourth is just a matter of time. PS: That “rape police” he’s on about? We just call them the police, period. Because that’s who you should be able to call when there’s been an assault, y’know?

48. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yeah, sure, it’s a smear campaign. And sure, it’s “human” and “normal” for a man to harass and assault women, and even brag about it. Not headline news at all…unless the harasser is a politician who keeps claiming that foreigners are the real rapists! PS: And fuck this noise, too. DECENT MEN DON’T HARASS, DONNIE!

49. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh goody, he’s still alive. I was getting worried about him. (Not really. But it would hardly be a wankapedia without his gross-ass beard hairs clogging the drain, eh?)

50. Doug Fucking Ford. He’s a Drumpfite? NO! I never would have guessed. One more reason to bury Frod Nation along with his brother, in case we needed one. And we don’t, but there it is.


And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumf himself. Holy fucking shit is this guy an evil, ugly motherfucker. Where to even start? Between all the crotch-grabbing and unwanted kissing, all the Tic-Tac abuse, all the dressing-room barge-ins, all the upskirting, and all the perving on little girls (for fucksakes!), why is this piece of Cheeto-dusted shit even still being allowed to run?

And more to the point, why are there still ANY people supporting him? This is, after all, the same crowd that would bar trans women from using the ladies’ room for fear of “men” (note the quotes, there for a reason) being able to barge in on women in the bathrooms of the nation. Would they be all right with him barging in on them or their wives and daughters in the dressing rooms of, say, a Miss World or Miss Universe pageant? No? Then why are they intimidating campaigners from the other side with open-carry guns? Pretty sure that’s illegal, you fucking morons. And I cannot wait to see him lose…less than one full menstrual cycle (or “blood coming out of her whatever”) to go now. It can’t come any too soon…and oh gawd, I just pray it doesn’t get as ugly as it could.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week | Leave a comment

Appy polly loogies…

…and no, that’s not a typo, not even in Nadsat. It’s LOOGIES, as in things you hork and spit. Your Humble One has come down with a flip horrorshow bastard of a cold, and will not be blogging much in the coming days (although the wankapedia is still a go, and it’s gonna be a doozer this week).

While I’m down for the count, please enjoy Samantha Bee and her “vagina monologue”, in which she pussywhips Der Drumpf. But good.

Posted in Cool Beans, Sick Frickin' Bastards, The United States of Amnesia, Uppity Wimmin | Leave a comment

Quotable: Kurt Vonnegut on indigenous people


Happy Indigenous People’s Day! May it be well-informed, with no Columbusing in sight.

Posted in Quotable Notables, Teh Injunz, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off on Quotable: Kurt Vonnegut on indigenous people

Music for a Sunday: Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s Thanksgiving in Canada! Let’s all give some thanks right now, eh?

Okay, so no CanCon. But the gratitude is all there. Happy Thanksgiving, all you hosers.

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Wankers of the Week: Coulrophobia, baby. Look it up!


Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to all the creepy clowns congregating in the woods out there in advance of Halloween. Just standing there, lurking around and scaring the shit out of kiddies. And pissing off actual professional clowns, too. But you know what, guys? You’re fucking pikers. You wanna know who the really scary clowns are? These people…in no particular order:

1. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look, it’s the Pigman! And he’s trying to keep himself relevant…by warning you not to “fall for” fact-checking! He thinks it’s just a disguise for “opinion journalism”. Which kind of stands to reason, seeing as his show has been fact-free from its very inception, and has been nothing but opinions…his own, which are half-baked and all wrong. But what else would you expect from the Least Reliable Man on Radio? PS: And speaking of half-baked and all wrong, how about this? Oy to the fucking VEY.

2. Jon Fucking Voight. Uh, bozo? Black people ARE educated. They know the meaning of words like racism and oppression. They learned those things in the School of Hard Knocks. And that’s why they’re NOT voting for Drumpf. Who the hell votes for someone who’d only piss on them and take their hard-won rights away?


3. Stephen Fucking Wojciehowski. No Florida Man? No problem! New Jersey Man would be only too happy to take his place. And he’ll even greet you at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap!

4. James Fucking Wiedmann. Nice fake Adidas ad you got there, Heartiste. Would be a shame if something happened to it…like, say, Adidas and their legal team suing the piss out of you.

5 and 6. Rudy Fucking Giuliani and Chris Fucking Christie. Figures that Tweedledum and Tweedledumber would think Der Drumpf’s tax evasion was a sign of genius. And if it turns out to be a sign that he is, in fact, only rich on paper…then what? Crickets, that’s what!


7. Eric Fucking Drumpf. No, shithead, it didn’t take any “courage” whatsoever on your old man’s part to keep from mentioning Bill Clinton’s zipper problems during the debate. This is the same cheating asshole who wanted to seat Gennifer Fucking Flowers in the front row in a pathetic attempt to throw his opponent off course, after all. The real reason he didn’t do it? Sheer cowardice, because the media would have been all over him and his two proven adulterous affairs like flies on dogshit.

8. Bud Fucking Pierce. Newsflash, dopey: Even powerful women get raped and abused. As do brave, strong women. It’s not punishment for a character flaw, after all.

9. Gary Fucking Johnson. Newsflash, super-duper-double-looper-dopey: Not knowing where a place is never stopped any dumbfuck in Washington from bombing it before. Remember, Dubya had no fucking clue where Afghanistan OR Iraq was, and he had absolutely no trouble sending the troops in to kill and be killed there. War doesn’t exactly demand that a commander-in-chief be an expert on geography!


10. Mika Fucking Brzezinski. And speaking of idiocy: Guess who thinks it’s a mark of cleverness to flush a billion dollars down the crapper to avoid paying taxes? Yup…THIS WOMAN. Whose old man, you may recall, thought of geography and war as a giant chess game. Um, what?

11. Jane Fucking Allen. She thinks Michelle Obama is a gorilla? And she wonders how Michelle is going to function once she and His Barackness leave the White House? Um, idiotess, Michelle has a law licence, which she can reactivate at any time, should she really need to hang out her shingle again and go into legal practice. But I have a sneaking suspicion she won’t be hurting too much for cash…because, unlike you, she isn’t being fired for being the dumbest fucking racist in the public school system of the state of Georgia.

12. Ted Fucking Falk. I never cease to be amazed at how these right-wingers value fetal life so much, and actually born human beings so little. Especially human beings who are black, indigenous, female, and/or L, G, B, and/or T. But yeah, go plant your cute little meaningless blue and pink flags. It won’t change a thing, because no government is willing to legislate a new anti-choice law. After all, the little pink flags that you didn’t plant (because those girls got born) would vote against any legislator that proposed such a thing — in much bigger numbers!


13. Alex Fucking Jones. My mind will not be won by wars. Much less ones “fought” by you posing shirtless à la Putin on a horse. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bleach my eyes.

14. Fabian Fucking Natoli. So, “cultural enrichment” entails dressing up as a fake Aborigine, holding the spout of a gasoline can to your nose in a blatant allusion to substance-abuse problems among the indigenous, and then uploading the racist shit to Instagram? And then “apologizing” by saying it was a “joke” and “no racism intended”. Oh, of course they never INTEND to be racist. It just pops out by accident during a moment of total fucking STOOPID!

15. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Oh noes, a most unmanly critic hated a documentary (?) that he forked out cash to finance! Time to impose his will on reality! Or, as we of the jet set call it, flip the fuck out in all his thin-skinned glory. And tell all his co-religionists in masculism that they need to hit the gym, too. Oh, and buy his testicle-boosting juice books, you guys! (Is he still selling that shit? Anybody know? Anybody care?)


16. Andrea Fucking Feldman. Need more proof that the US is still racist as fuck? All right then, how about this one: A school in the Bronx — IN THE BRONX! — refusing kids entry to kindergarten — KINDERGARTEN! — if they are black and/or Latin-American. Yeah…boggles the mind, don’t it?

17. Michelle Fucking Edmisten. And while we’re on the subject of racism and education: Waaaaa, somebody’s daughter was not kept in ignorance about religions other than her own! Yes, heaven forfend that Christian kids actually learn to understand what Islam is, instead of just taking their bigoted parents’ word for it!

18. Carl Fucking Ferrer. Can you believe the nerve of him? He pimps out teenage kids to sexual abusers via the ludicrously named “adult classfieds” of Backpage.com, and still claims it’s okay in the name of Freeze Peach? There really isn’t a jail term long enough for this kind of chutzpah.


19. Brady Fucking Garrett. “Research Holocaust Revisionism”? I did, and found it to be bullshit. Also neo-Nazism. And denial of the blindingly obvious, which is that THE HOLOCAUST REALLY FUCKING HAPPENED. Not surprisingly, this is what passes for “informed discourse” at a Drumpf rally. And to this guy’s fellow Drumpfites, I have to say: This guy IS the average Drumpf supporter. Feel proud yet?

20. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Yes, that’s right, the Trudizzle made the cut this week…for proving, indeed, to be just Harper Lite with a better hairdo and a nicer fashion sense. And also for going back on a major, MAJOR campaign promise. Does he seriously think we’d forget the one about renegotiating health accords with the provinces? Or, to put it another way: Does he seriously think that we’d just put off getting sick until he finally gets around to it, or until he’s dragged around to it, whichever comes first?

21. Scott Fucking Lattin. Texas Man, you’re putting Florida Man to shame this week…both for racism, and for general shooting-self-in-foot wankery. Whatever will you do for an encore?


22. Ann Fucking Coulter. It’s a day ending in “day”, and so the Coultergeist is out there, shooting her big hideous mouth off and being a perfect example of internalized sexism. As usual.

23. Mary Fucking Fallin. A day of prayer for the Oklahoma oil industry? On October 13? Great, I’ll save the date…and pray for that fucker to collapse completely so that the state can finally go renewable!

24. Kelly Fucking Forostiak. Her (former) students are “11 going on 18” (her words!), and she is presumably well over 18, but acting well under 11. Lovely! Let’s hope she never teaches a single class again.


25. Andrew Fucking Bieszad. God is supposedly punishing Florida for Teh Ghey with Hurricane Matthew? Shhhh, don’t anyone tell him that we Canadians have had same-sex marriage since 2005, and nobody has died in a hurricane here in all that time. The last time anyone here did die in a hurricane was during Hazel, in the 1950s. When LGBT people were still getting arrested for “deviance” or some such. Gee, do you think God might have been punishing us for persecuting queerfolks, back then?

26. Theresa Fucking May. When the most obnoxious man in not-so-great-anymore Britain says you’ve stolen his schtick, that’s when it’s time to change yours. But I guess that Brexit vote has emboldened the very worst…and swept the flotsam and jetsam all the way into No. 10 Downing.

27. Pat Fucking McCrory. And speaking of flotsam and jetsam, look what Hurricane Matthew has blown into North Carolina! Yup, Gubnor Patwa is at it again, and using monies earmarked for disaster relief…to cause brand-new disasters in the wake of an already disastrous toilet law. God, if you’re real, please smite this motherfucker but GOOD.


28. Sean Fucking Hannity. Baby Jesus is obsessed with Hillary Clinton’s underwear! I always knew he was a pervert — you practically HAVE to be one to get hired as a male on-air personality at FUX Snooze…but wow. Just WOW.

29. Matt Fucking Drudge. Ohhhh, Teh Stoopid. It not only burns, it KILLS. And if he thinks Hurricane Matthew is “looks ragged” because it didn’t hit Florida so hard, and that man-made climate change isn’t real, he really should talk to the people of Haiti. They are its prime victims!

30. Shawn Fucking Barber. Anyone buying that “I got accidental cocaine residue from kissing” excuse? Because I’m not. And I’m not buying the notion that the “drug-free professional” woman he solicited via Craigslist wasn’t being pimped by her so-called “boyfriend at the time”, either. He really should have been suspended from competition for the prescribed length of time. Good thing he didn’t get anywhere near the Olympic podium, because this is even more embarrassing than Lyin’ Lochte drunkenly trashing that gas station.


And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf. Holy fucking shit, people, he ADMITTED to being a pervert and a probable rapist. On tape. And he’s sorry “if anyone was offended”, of course. Meaning, NOT SORRY AT ALL, because he really believes he did nothing wrong. Even though he’s done nothing BUT wrong. That anyone would actually vote for this rapey-ass bozo even so is what makes him one scary clown. And one clown who really ought to be disqualified from ever running in the first place. He’s not worthy to be a Cheeto-dust puke-stain on that custom-made carpet in the Oval Office. And anyone who thinks otherwise is too fucking stupid to live.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Forget crop circles…

…how about a crop CLITORIS?


Pretty, isn’t it? And only in France:

Here’s a droll initiative that won’t pass unnoticed. A crop clitoris, 120 metres long, has appeared in a field close to the Pierre-Rouge high school at Montferrier-sur-Lez. The term refers to crop circles, vast designs made in fields. Two sexologists from Montpellier, specialists in female pleasure, had the idea to create greater visibility for the clitoris.

“The clitoris hasn’t always had visibility in school science texts. Being the clitoris, it is quite simply absent, it is just named without reference to its function as an organ of feminine pleasure. Teaching remains focused on the reproductive organs of the woman. Our ‘Crop Clitoris’ is located next to a school campus, a promiscuity which comes in handy”, explain Marie-Noëlle Lanuit and Jean-Claude Piquard.

According to the two sexology specialists, the clitoris is barely taught about. “Feminine pleasure remains taboo in the medical world. Only vaginal pleasure is taught, where the clitoris plays a secondary role, with arguments which are often incompatible with anatomical facts,” say the scientists. “One can’t let them tell little girls that they have ‘nothing’, nor that female pleasure is a ‘mystery’. It is high time to know that the clitoris is the only organ uniquely dedicated to female sexual pleasure, and not the brain or the vagina.”

The two sexologists have called on women to come dressed in red to represent the nerve endings at the extremities of the glans, the only visible part of the clitoris, on Sunday, October 9, at 11 a.m. The aerial photos were taken with the help of a drone.

Translation mine.

It’s worth noting, also, that the much-touted “vaginal” orgasm of old is nothing more than a clitoral orgasm, achieved by stimulating the back end(s) of the clit (which is what the G-spot is) rather than the glans (which is what most people understand by the clitoris, or rather, its small visible tip between the labia). In other words: All female orgasms are clitoral orgasms. Plain and simple.

And yes, they SHOULD be teaching this in schools. Everywhere!

Posted in Morticia! You Spoke French!, She Blinded Me With Science, Uppity Wimmin | Comments Off on Forget crop circles…