Finally, some honest reporting of what’s wrong with Donnie!
I’m sure you couldn’t think of a better Freudian slip if you tried, eh?
Finally, some honest reporting of what’s wrong with Donnie!
I’m sure you couldn’t think of a better Freudian slip if you tried, eh?
Gee, imagine that…FUX Snooze killing a grotty story about a political candidate paying hush money to cover up his affair with a woman whose JOB was humping with random yutzes for the benefit of the wankers of the world and their crapitalist overlords. You’d think such a story would be right up their alley, and you’d be right…IF it were someone with a D after their name. Or if it were an actual, bona-fide LEFTIST. Remember that woman, Ms. Lewinsky? They were all over that like the fly maggots on shit…which, to be frank, they are. And if this were any politician with a D after his name, they’d be dwelling in salacious detail on every bump and grind, and probably put screenshots of the porn actress’s fake O-face behind the breathless, fake-shocked anchors, too. They might even snicker at the “textbook generic” bit, and slyly insinuate that Democrats and/or socialists don’t know how to do the Deed, because FREEDUMB. Or some such.
But since it was Donnie, they hushed it all up. That’s hinky as hell, especially considering how they have all the time in the world for criticizing OUR pro-choice prime minister, even though he’s none of their damn business and ditto our total absence of anti-abortion laws.
Of course, it’s no secret that they’d be bending waaaayyyyy over backwards to protect Donnie and his nonexistent good name while slamming Justin Trudeau, who is by all accounts very happily married. They are shameless, hypocritical sleazeballs who slyly cater to the worst in men while expecting totally unreasonable standards of women. They’re constantly making noises about how “immoral” everybody else is while running a veritable rape room at the office. Just like Donnie.
So of course they’d suddenly get all puritanically silent about this pudgy, thrice-unsuccessfully-married old man, who’s infamous for grabbing random female crotches whether those crotches’ owners are interested in him doing so or not (and they’re mostly NOT). They’d be silent as the grave about him chasing a not-exactly-enthused Stormy Daniels around the room in his tighty-whities. And they’d gloss right over the icky incestuous Ivanka angle, too. Because they’re the US’s moral authority channel, don’tcha know? And because he’s just such a model of a modern moral monster.
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert wasn’t so shy…
…but then again, he’s a funnyman who isn’t being paid to kiss anyone’s ass (much less slip it the tongue or spank it with a copy of Forbes), so why would he NOT report on this?
Correct me if I’m wrong here, folks, but doesn’t this bearded aging hipster dude sound like somebody with…you know, a wide stance?
Holy crap, Gavin…obsess much?
And funny how it’s always these arch-macho (supposedly) super-straight guys. Alex Fucking Jones is like this too. In fact, the entire far right spends more time obsessing over gay sex than any gay guy I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen plenty.
Y’know, now that I think about it, there’s something wrong with Gavin McInnes’s face, too. Namely, the mouth is moving and noises are coming out, and they have zero bearing on reality, but they all sound remarkably like a closet door creeeeeeaking, and at least a hundred skeletons in pink tutus dancing the Watusi in cha-cha heels right behind it.
Anyone THAT obsessed with proving how totally-not-gay he is would have to be what one of my fabulous friends calls an Unhappy Cocksucker. He’s seen his share of them. They’re all charter members of the Cult of Ultra-Masculinity. They haunt the gay bars like hungry ghosts. And they deny it even when you show them photographic proof. Remember George Rekers?
And yes, there IS something wrong with that. Especially if you’re propping that closet door shut with a wife and kids, as Gavvy-poo is doing. It’s not Teh Ghey…it’s the HYPOCRISY, stupid.
(And oh yeah, it’s the cowardly, cucky “we are not Alt-Right” fascism, too.)
Image courtesy North99.
If you thought that the whole “America First” attitude of Donnie & Co. would spell the end of US imperialism and interference in other countries’ affairs, you are sadly mistaken. Get a load of the effrontery of Wile E. Pickle and FUX Snooze as they stray faaaaar out of their lane. First a bit of backgrounder:
A former Trump White House adviser, several news organizations and the president’s favourite Fox News morning show have all dumped on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s explanation for why pro-life groups should be excluded from $220 million in federal jobs grants.
The prime minister’s suggestion that pro-life groups were out of line with Canadian society triggered criticism in the country next door — where abortion remains a subject of mainstream political debate and is a central issue in the struggle for control of the U.S. Supreme Court.
Okay, so far, no controversy there. I may not agree with the Trudizzle on everything, but he’s right about this. Since 1988, Canada has had no laws restricting abortion, and over three-quarters of Canadians are in agreement with that. A vocal minority, however, held sway in Ottawa during Stephen Fucking Harper’s reign of terror, and he was more than happy to throw taxpayer dollars at them by way of summer jobs spreading anti-choice crapaganda, which is often based on blatant, misogynous lies. A majority of Canadians were and still are NOT okay with this. And that’s why no federal job-grant money should be thrown at them. Withdrawing taxpayer dollars from them and allocating that cash where it will actually do some good would be wise.
But guess who’s just not into this much wisdom? Yup, none other than Wile E. Pickle, Suuuuuper Genius:
“This man is reprehensible,” tweeted former White House staffer Sebastian Gorka.
FUX Snooze, of course, also can’t handle the common sense worth a damn:
The latest controversy involves a new Canadian policy — when applying for federal grants for student jobs, organizations are now required to sign a form attesting that neither their core mission, nor the job being funded, opposes human rights, including reproductive rights.
Pro-life activists are suing the federal government over it.
The abortion controversy produced a segment Monday on the morning show Fox and Friends.
Host Brian Kilmeade said: “What message is he trying to send to us, maybe?” Co-host Rachel Campos-Duffy added: “What happens in Canada often comes down to us. This is an effort to silence pro-lifers. … This is a sign of intolerance. If you have a pro-life view you’re not welcome to share it or else you’re kicked out of this program.”
Memo to FUX and Fiends: You’re allowed to hold whatever opinions on abortion you like here in Canada. Even the most Nazified white supremacist of a so-called “pro-lifer” is tolerated here, alas. You are not, however, entitled to a dime of taxpayer money to promote misogyny, lies, and antiscientific nonsense. See the difference?
As for what message this is sending, it’s simple: Canada is NOT a theocracy. Human rights come first here. Women’s rights are human rights. The right to abortion is every woman’s right, and no one else has the right to impede it in any way. That was decided by our Supreme Court in 1988, and that decision is settled. And your free speech stops where a woman’s right to control what goes on in her own body begins. Keep your rosaries off our ovaries. Capisce?
In other words: No one is being “silenced” here. Anti-choicers are simply being denied federal funding to make a cottage industry of their bullshit. If they want money so they can lie to us, they can damn well go raise their own. Leave our taxes alone.
And if you’re a US right winger, we’ll thank you kindly to fuck off, stay in your lane and out of our land, and keep your pious hypocritical fingers out of our politics AND our pussies.
Time for some psychic New Year’s predictions! Take it away, Messrs. Mael:
Joke’s on you, folks, it hasn’t faded yet.
Crappy weekend, everyone! I dunno about you, but I’m feeling awfully dumb and unstable lately. Kidding! I’m just doing what comes naturally to SOMEone who shall (at least for now) go unnamed…namely, lying my ass off. Yes, it’s been one of THOSE weeks, folks. And here’s who made it all worthwhile — coughcoughHELL!coughwheeze — in no particular order:
1. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Can you believe this guy? Says he thinks God forgives him for having all those adulterous affairs and pressuring the mistresses to abort. God is just rolling Her eyes at you, son.
2. Stephen Fucking Miller. On the other hand, at least this one is consistent. He’s been a far-right, white-power wanker since middle school. It would be almost touching, if it weren’t so goddamn loathsome.
3. Paul Fucking Pelosi, Jr. Hey Nancy, could you tell your kid not to hang out with Donnie Dumbfuck and his thuggy gang? It doesn’t look good. Kthxbai.
4. Joe Fucking Walsh. Dear Deadbeat Dad of the Year: If there were no cons or Drumpf supporters at the Golden Globes, it’s not because Hollywood isn’t “diverse” enough to suit your sheet-wearing tastes. It’s because you dumb fuckheads have no talent for anything except whining.
5. Viktor Fucking Orban. Meanwhile, in Hungary, that ol’ racist goulash just keeps on bubbling away. You would think that somebody could tell the difference between a stream of desperate refugees and an actual, organized invasion, but it’s sure not their premier. He’s more than happy to lump all that together in one unholy pot.
6. Michael David Fucking Lang. Is anyone else sick to death of these phony “family values” ‘wingers who have a buttload of skeletons hanging out in their closet? Oh good, so it’s not just me, then. Anyhow, this conservative nogoodnik is your friendly family meth dealer. You know, in case you want that pockmarked tweaker look to go with your stinkin’ hypocrisy?
7. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. And back to the racist goulash from Hungary! Yes, Wile E. Pickle made the cut again this week. And this time, our suuuuuper-genius is trying out his new Acme Insult-o-pult on Michael Wolff, the “oleaginous scribe” (Acme’s, er, HIS own words, or rather projections) who did such a fabtabulous number on Donnie’s hot mess of a White House. Needless to say, the shit-flinging device seems to have developed a backfiring problem. Back to the drawing board you go, Wile E.!
8. Chris Fucking Christie. He swears that if it hadn’t been for Donnie, HE would be POTUS right now? Uh, dude…you seem to forget that you actually have to win not just the primaries, but an actual ELECTION to get there. And I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t even be governor of Noo Joizey right now if the locals had their druthers.
9. Steve Fucking Alford. Meanwhile, in Kansas, Jim Crow just reared his ugly head and squawked something about black people, pot, and some totally unscientific Reefer Madness shit that I take it was meant to justify racism, but really just makes him look totally fucking racist, about a hundred years behind the times, and stupid as fuck to boot.
10. Rand Fucking Paul. Sorry, NOT sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time recovering from the nasty-wasty beatdown your neighbor laid on you last year. Just imagine if you had to do it the actual libertarian way, with no health insurance and no help whatsoever, as you would have it if you had your way. You’re upset because no one was concerned about you? Welcome to libertarianism, fuckface!
11. Frank Fucking Amedia. Nice to see that ol’ church/state separation wall is doing its job and keeping the Religious Reich’s tentacles out of the White House. Kidding! Keep your eyes on the dominionist scumbags, folks, they’re sliding in all over the place. And if you see a weird look on Mikey Fucking Pence’s face, you can be sure that one of them is up his bunghole right at that moment, massaging his prostate.
12. James Fucking Franco. Did Ally Sheedy just throw tea, shade, and unsweetened lemonade at his insufferably smirky, statutory-rapey face? Yup, she sure did. And I, for one, LOVE her for it. Because he’s a well-known douchenozzle, and it’s about time someone wiped the lube off of him. PS: And Stephen Colbert has roasted him also. Ha, ha.
13. Steve Fucking Bannon. He’s up! He’s down! He’s spilling the beans one minute, and cringingly contrite the next! And since his career in politics is washed up, and his other career in journalism is on the verge of going the same way, maybe it’s time he went back to being a Hollywood schlock writer. He could get a whole soap opera out of his own, er, EXPERIENCES alone!
14. Andy Fucking Savage. Meanwhile, back in the Religious Reich (see what I did there?), we have this guy…who molested a teenager in true Roy Fucking Moore fashion right before giving a “True Love Waits” speech about the virtues of total abstinence. Funny how often we get these purity-culture types who just can’t resist the urge to defile, eh? And then he has the nerve to go pointing fingers at Matt Fucking Lauer, who at least confined his depredations (so far as we know) to other adults, albeit unconsenting ones? Yeah, that puts this one right into Whited Sepulchre territory. PS: Don’t fucking applaud…throw the bum out!
15. Jerry Fucking Seinfeld. I fail to see what’s so entertaining about Israeli apartheid. But apparently, HE doesn’t.
16. Greg Fucking Conte. Once more, with feeling, everybody sing! If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (stomp stomp) If you’re spotted in the mob, and you lose your fuckin’ job, if you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap, stomp stomp, YEE-HAW!)
17. Paula Fucking White. I almost spelled her surname Shite, which I’m sure is not just a Freudian slip. Because her racket, in short, goes like this: Send me all your money, or I’ll sic God on your like an attack dog! See what I mean by Shite? And just think, folks, Donnie calls her his “spiritual advisor”. If you ever needed more proof that he and his party worship not God but Mammon, now you have it. PS: God says She’s not short of cash, thankyouverymuch.
18. Monika Fucking Schaefer. Meanwhile, in Alberta, a Holocaust-denial bus has just lost its wheels. Ha, ha.
19. Eliot Fucking Spitzer. Nice to know he’s still thinking with only one of his two heads, and it’s still not the larger one. Eh?
20. Yair Fucking Netanyahu. He’s joyriding on the Israeli taxpayers’ dime, getting nasty on strippers and waitresses, and urinating all over his former girlfriend. Looks like Bibi’s kid is a spoiled, nasty chip off the ol’ block of Likudnik Family Values™. Oh, and he spilled the beans on how Daddy advanced a frankly self-serving, cronyist bill in the Knesset, too. How embarrassing, especially since it comes right on the heels of this! Ha, ha.
21. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil went down to Taco Bell, he was looking for a soul to steal…nah. Just doesn’t have the right ring, does it?
22. Alex Fucking Jones. If you thought his antisemitic flip-out over Brian Stelter last week was wild, wait till you hear what he thinks of Oprah! And did you know there were black Nazis in the US during World War II? (Spoiler: There totally weren’t, and black people, not being stupid, could see the parallels between their own plight and that of the Jews of Europe pretty damn clearly, to the point where they protested having to fight against fascism in segregated military units. But hey, that’s Alex for ya…fact-free, as ever!)
23. Chris Fucking Stirewalt. Fact-checking is “not a reliable journalistic practice”? Au contraire, mon frère…it totally IS! And it used to be standard practice, too, until the death of the Fairness Doctrine, which catastrophe just so happens to have enabled your fucking “news” channel.
24. Pete Fucking Hoekstra. Yup, he beclowned himself yet AGAIN. Hoe beschamend!
25. Lynne Fucking Beyak. Yup, she beclowned herself yet again, too. With Freeze Peach, Political Correctness, and every other lame excuse in the book! But hey, let’s at least give her credit for getting just one tiny thing right: Andrew Fucking Scheer IS an inexperienced leader. (Not that her own experiences at “leadership” would make her any better, mind you.) PS: Oh, BURN! Ha, ha.
26. Jerome Fucking Puyau. Oh, so you hate seeing teachers get arrested for questioning you? Well, so does everyone else. And fortunately, there’s a very simple solution to that problem: Don’t give yourself a $30,000+ raise; give it to the teachers instead! Oh, and don’t call the cops on teachers. How hard is that?
27. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Yup, Donnie just so happened to “discover” that it’s impossible to physically wall off the entire Mexican border region. All by himself, of course. A veritable Columbus, that man is!
28. Eric Fucking Greitens. Like Donnie, like Drumpfites? Yup, this douchebag sure fits the profile of a Donnie supporter. Right down to the sleazy extramarital affair, and the even sleazier blackmail attempt that followed. What a pity it didn’t work, and now he looks even worse than he would have if he’d just left her alone! And that’s another thing about him that totally fits the profile of a Drumpfite: It’s Teh Stoopid, stupid!
29. Neal Fucking Tapio. Don’t like being called a racist? Great! Then don’t be a racist, and you won’t get called one. See how easy that is?
30. Megyn Fucking Kelly. If fat-shaming worked so well for her, will stupid-shaming also work? Or asshole-shaming? Just curious.
And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf himself. Yes, he really outdid himself this week, folks. And there are witnesses: Dick Durbin, among others. When even the UN says you’re a racist, and there’s a running tally of racist shit you’ve said, what does that make you? Not a stable genius. Nope. Quite the opposite. It makes you a fucking idiot. And a racist…and one big fat orange fucking SHITHOLE. And really: Imagine him saying all that horrible shit about Haiti, of all places. What would his money-laundering buddy, Baby Doc Duvalier, say? I don’t know about him, but I know what I’m saying…
Good night, and get fucked, Donnie!
Oh man, you have GOT to hear this:
So, basically, Alex just made up a whole new loopy homophobic conspiracy theory…to justify the fact that he spent several thousand dollars on a custom-built robot that can’t say no to him (and can’t give meaningful consent, either, because it’s inanimate). Unlike all those evil human women (those BITCHES!) who keep rejecting him and forcing him to have sex with his hand, his car’s tailpipe, and that knothole in the tree out back that the bees keep buzzing out of.
It’s a rum old world, folks.
PS: Tuck Buckford has taken his own angle on this, and while it’s hard to top Alex for loopiness, he sure does try:
That’s right, Tuck. Keep huffing that whipped cream. Maybe one day you, too, will be as bonkers as Alex.
Of course not. Wanna know just how thin that crepey orange skin of his is? Get a load of this:
Isn’t that special? The little snowflake is crying like a cuck because someone painted a less than flattering (and quite believable) portrait of what goes on inside his White House of Horrors. And he wants to change the libel laws in the US, no doubt to benefit himself, as a result of that.
Now, I’m Canadian, and I’ve actually studied journalism, so I have some rather more nuanced views on what can and should constitute free speech, and what cannot and should not be protected as such. Nazis denying the Holocaust, and calling for the wholesale murder of Jews, Muslims, and anyone else they don’t like? Clearly indefensible. We actually have hate-speech laws up here curtailing that. Denying an apartment to a non-white renter, simply on the basis of skin color? Again, indefensible; human-rights laws exist to counter that. Falsely reporting a news story, so that actual harm results? Again, indefensible. And it’s not only covered by hate speech laws, but also journalistic ethics. (It is still covered by a law against publishing false news, but has come close to being eroded, thanks to an outcry over actual Nazis doing just that. In the name of Freeze Peach, ganz natürlich.) Opinions that are less than flattering to their subject matter, though? Well, that depends. As long as your opinion column is founded on fact, fair comment rules apply. Malicious, deliberate misrepresentation can (and should) get your ass sued for defamation.
But, again: That’s up here. We don’t have a First Amendment. And even the First Amendment, which applies in the US, has its own common-sense limitations. Yelling “fire” in a crowded theatre when nothing’s actually burning is one; fighting words, i.e. deliberate incitement to violence, is another.
So. What are we to say when Donnie Drumpf, who is the victim of neither a false cry of fire, nor of actual fighting words, starts falsely crying fire himself…and lobbing fighting words at the head of anyone who incurs his wrath? Anyone such as, for instance, one Michael Wolff, author of a recent runaway bestseller whose publisher is racing to keep up with demand?
Well, we could say what Jeff says above, and what I say too: Donnie, fuck your feelings! Who the hell cares if you’re less than chuffed at the all-too-believable contentions of Mr. Wolff? Get over yourself already. You do not get to rewrite the laws so that only flattering bullshit that blows sugar up your corpulent ass is allowed. If you got to blow the ol’ Nazi dog-whistle and incite violence against any of your detractors who dared to crash your campaign rallies, then you also have to swallow an unflattering book. If your followers, like that useless idiot Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos, are allowed to hold Nürnberg rallies in karaoke bars (at least until the bar’s owner and staff decide that this is lowering the tone of the neighborhood, and exercise their own legal rights to throw the bums none too gently out), well, then you have to accept that your opponents (who are far more numerous) also have a right to freely express themselves in contradiction of anything and everything you say.
And yes, sometimes that response is going to come in the form of a punch that knocks Dickie Fucking Spencer’s fashy haircut momentarily askew, because those who incite violence have no right to complain when it comes back to bite them. Other times, it will come in the form of a book that won’t cause any physical damage, unless a hardcover copy of it is lobbed directly at Donnie’s ridiculous comb-over.
And either way, it will be fair game, because guess what chronic pathological blustering liar has effectively made it so by eroding all pretense to decency and civility?