Quotable: Lenin on “freedom” of the press

Note the quotes, there for a reason:

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Posted in Crapagandarati, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, Freeze Peach!, Newspeak is Nospeak, Quotable Notables, Teh Russkies | Comments Off on Quotable: Lenin on “freedom” of the press

Music for a Sunday: Come in, come out of the rain

Since it’s kind of a damp, foggy, calm-before-the-ice-storm moment, ‘scuse me while I kick the sky:

Step on up.

And CRANK it.

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Wankers of the Week: Shithole Countries

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to all the folks from what Donnie has characterized, in his quaint and charming, oh-so-refined colloquial way, as “shithole countries”. Coming from someone who heads up a country most famous, recently, for the number of its people heading to the emergency room after ingesting detergent on a dare, that’s downright rich, eh? And here’s who else is frothing at the mouth (no Tide Pods necessary) this week, in no particular order:

1. Trey Fucking Gowdy. Hey, remember him? The Dollar Store Draco Malfoy? Well, he finally quit yelling “Benghazi!” this week. Wonder what he’ll do for an encore…said no one ever.

2. Rachel Fucking Campos-Duffy. “Who among us hasn’t said an un-PC thing”, she asks? Well, given that it’s FUX Snooze, I’m guessing that if you limit it strictly to that channel and its imbecilic audience, the answer is NOBODY. But out here in the real world, you’d be surprised how…wait for it…OUTNUMBERED you racist fucking idiots actually are. And if you’re worried about someone making your country look bad, how about starting with yourselves and your presidunce, and stopping with the partisan finger-pointing?

3. Tom Fucking Cotton. He was there. He heard what Donnie said. But, like a good head-up-ass Repug, he denies it. Dude, that’s Donnie’s job. PS: So, writing and calling your office to get answers is now “harassment”? Oh, dude. You are so fucked!

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4. Don Fucking Shooter. Nice fucking nopology you got there, dude. Oh wait, you think you did nothing wrong? Well, there’s a shocker. It’s like what other people do or don’t want doesn’t matter to you because they’re not the ones that really count, eh?

5. Timothy Fucking Brennan. Damn straight, those dickpix you snapchatted to a 14-year-old could ruin your marriage and your job. Have you ever thought of what they (and you) are doing to her life, you fucking pervert?

6. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Hawaii had a missile threat? SQUIRREL! And in this case, the squirrel was Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate…which was released years ago, and which conclusively showed that he was born not in Kenya, but in Hawaii.

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7. Peter Fucking Bone. He used to say that same-sex marriage would destroy the sanctity of marriage. But even though he left his wife for a much younger woman two years ago, he’s still referring to “Mrs. Bone” in his parliamentary speechifications. Next up: The Internet destroys the sanctity of marriage.

8. James Fucking Sears. Yes, Dimitri the Hater is at it again. And it seems he never learns. Even though nobody wants to read his shitty Nazi rag, he still insists on wasting time and money producing and distributing it…and even more on defending himself against the inevitable libel lawsuits it generates. I hope you go bankrupt, Dim.

9. Jo Fucking Marney. Hey racist, you forgot a word on your bio. And that word is SHITBAG. Honestly, the satire just writes itself with you people, doesn’t it?

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10. David Fucking Perdue. He denied that Donnie said what he said, even though he was there to hear him say it…and Donnie later bragged about it to all his cronies. I guess he also denies having prayed for Barack Obama’s death, even though we all heard him say that?

11. Kevin Fucking McCarthy. Everybody sing! Who sucks up to Donnie/Nose all brown with poo/Butters up the POTUS with a Starburst fruity chew?/The Candy Man!/The Candy Man can!/The Candy Man can, because he hasn’t any shame, and makes the US look bad!

12. John Fucking Kelly. Bipartisanship? Who needs it? Not this guy, and apparently, not Donnie either, because both of them share a common agenda: Wrecking anything that might be even the least little bit constructive for anyone.

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13. Stephen Fucking Moore. What black people has this clown talked to, ever? Other than to maybe yell a racial slur on the street at them, or slip them some cash for dope? Bull-fucking-SHIT they’re praising Donnie. Unless they’re being paid to, ain’t none of them got a good word to say about him. And rightly so.

14. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. I’m not a bit surprised to hear that he fell for a fake news story from a satire site and did an entire YouTube rant on it (here, if he hasn’t removed it yet — and yes, he looks and sounds as inebriated as you imagine he would). What does surprise me is that he’s not dead of alcohol poisoning yet. PS to YouTube: Why are you still allowing this prat to upload, anyway? Shouldn’t you be taking some cues from the tweeter, and cracking down on Nazis instead?

15. Casey Fucking Fisher. Ohhhh, so it was “a bad idea” to give women the right to vote, eh? Well, doggie. Guess who’s going to be losing his next election, on the backs of a lot of pissed-off women voters? Yeah…THIS guy. Special dishonorable mention to Teena Fucking Horlacher: Why are you still working for him? He just basically told you you don’t even deserve to vote because you’re female! And you’re all up in arms because he’s being “harassed”? He should be thankful nobody’s bludgeoned him with a rolling pin!

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16. Carl Fucking Higbie. Imagine that! Saying a whole slew of bigoted, judgmental shit has actual, real-world repercussions! White supremacists, take note…the clock is now ticking on you.

17. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Daesh is a thing of the past? I’m sure that’s news to Iraq and Syria! And if indeed it’s true, rest assured that your pudgy old man had NOTHING to do with it. PS: And bull-fucking-SHIT that green, as in money, is the only color he sees, either.

18. Matt Fucking Gaetz. And here’s another Haiti-hatey kind of guy. Sucks to be you, Matty…and if I were you, I’d keep a close eye on my fingernail clippings and hair trimmings, if you know what I mean.

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19. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Not content to insult our prime minister over a matter that concerns him not in the least, Wile E. Pickle, Suuuuuper-Genius, doubled down on the dumbth this week by picking on Alyssa Milano…and scoring a whopping own goal. PS: Aaaand now we know why Gormless Gorka hasn’t gone back to Hungary yet. He’s wanted there on gun charges! Figures. He doesn’t look like he could punch his way out of a wet paper bag.

20. Harley Fucking Barber. Well, here’s a switch: A racist sorority sister in Alabama is getting kicked out…all the way back to Noo Joizey! Ha, ha.

21. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Illiterate immigrants are unfortunate souls indeed, but you know what’s truly tragic? A semiliterate, totally racist US attorney general opening his Kluker piehole to opine on the subject, and get Canada totally wrong in the process!

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22. Kirstjen Fucking Nielsen. And speaking of semiliterates in public office who really should think twice before opening their mouths even once, how about HER? Yes, she’s so poorly informed that she doesn’t even know what color the vast majority of Norwegian citizens are! Somebody please send her some recent Norwegian census data, wouldja? Meanwhile, Norway’s offer of asylum to persons from a REAL shithole country still stands.

23. Bob Fucking Massi. Hey! Did you know that there’s a racism against ORANGE people? This dude claims that everyone opposing Donnie Drumpf has it. Orange Lives Matter!

24. Larry Fucking Nassar. Can’t handle four days of victim-impact statements? Gee, what a shocker. I’d have thought a gymnastics team doctor who sexually molested his under-age patients for years would be less of a fragile snowflake than THAT!

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25. Scott Fucking Perry. Who’s got a cockamamie terrorist conspiracy theory? THIS guy. Because clearly, the idea that a home-grown, right-wing, white male mass shooter could actually exist is just too damn hard to believe. No, better just make up some shit about Daesh coming in through Mexico!

26. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. And speaking of home-grown, right-wing, white male terrorists…how about him? He and his “Traditionalist Workers Party” (a bullshit name if ever there was one) are planning to protest against the women’s march, and in favor of anti-choicers. Because nothing’s going to attract women to your nasty Nazi cause like just straight out saying that all you ever want them to be is your household slaves and your baby factories.

27. Jack Fucking Robison. What kind of judge makes a snap decision based on “God told me to”? A judge who shouldn’t be on the bench anymore listening to human trafficking stories and exonerating the traffickers. That’s who.

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28. Michael Fucking Douglas. Am I a bit surprised that a man who was pretty much typecast as an arrogant, unlikable jerk all through the ‘80s and ‘90s turns out to be a wanker, quite literally, in real life? Why no, I’m not! I’m only surprised that this didn’t come out sooner, frankly.

29. Robert Fucking Litzinger. If anyone wonders what I have against purity culture and the “Christian premarital counseling” that goes with it, you can stop wondering any more. THIS GUY. This pervert and others like him are what I have against purity culture.

30. Mark Fucking Steyn. So, white supremacists are okay because they’re “American citizens”, but the people they persecute are “illegal”, so that makes all the cross-burnings and terrorist murders okay, does it, Shit-Steyn? Special dishonorable mention to Tucker Fucking Carlson, who also finally showed HIS true colors. Next time I see both of you together, I hope you two chickenshit racists just wear your hooded sheets and swastika armbands on the air, and let fly with the n-words like I know you’re both dying to do.

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And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf again. Everytime I think he can’t possibly outdo himself for shittiness, he does it. Unprotected sex with women not his wife (new baby in the house and all!), idiotic expectations of his wife post-pregnancy (!), even more idiotic pronouncements on pregnancy and abortion (at least that’s what it appears they are)…yeesh. He’s disintegrating before our very eyes. Would somebody, for the love of all that’s holy, PLEASE impeach the motherfucker and institutionalize him already? He’s clearly not fit to be in any office, including the ones at Drumpf Tower. And I’m seriously afraid for the safety of the entire world, what with his finger on the nuclear button and all.

Good night, and (please don’t let our whole entire planet) get fucked!

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Headline Howler: The truth inadvertently slips out

Finally, some honest reporting of what’s wrong with Donnie!

I’m sure you couldn’t think of a better Freudian slip if you tried, eh?

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FUX Snooze can’t report on Donnie’s “affair” with Stormy Daniels? WHY?

Gee, imagine that…FUX Snooze killing a grotty story about a political candidate paying hush money to cover up his affair with a woman whose JOB was humping with random yutzes for the benefit of the wankers of the world and their crapitalist overlords. You’d think such a story would be right up their alley, and you’d be right…IF it were someone with a D after their name. Or if it were an actual, bona-fide LEFTIST. Remember that woman, Ms. Lewinsky? They were all over that like the fly maggots on shit…which, to be frank, they are. And if this were any politician with a D after his name, they’d be dwelling in salacious detail on every bump and grind, and probably put screenshots of the porn actress’s fake O-face behind the breathless, fake-shocked anchors, too. They might even snicker at the “textbook generic” bit, and slyly insinuate that Democrats and/or socialists don’t know how to do the Deed, because FREEDUMB. Or some such.

But since it was Donnie, they hushed it all up. That’s hinky as hell, especially considering how they have all the time in the world for criticizing OUR pro-choice prime minister, even though he’s none of their damn business and ditto our total absence of anti-abortion laws.

Of course, it’s no secret that they’d be bending waaaayyyyy over backwards to protect Donnie and his nonexistent good name while slamming Justin Trudeau, who is by all accounts very happily married. They are shameless, hypocritical sleazeballs who slyly cater to the worst in men while expecting totally unreasonable standards of women. They’re constantly making noises about how “immoral” everybody else is while running a veritable rape room at the office. Just like Donnie.

So of course they’d suddenly get all puritanically silent about this pudgy, thrice-unsuccessfully-married old man, who’s infamous for grabbing random female crotches whether those crotches’ owners are interested in him doing so or not (and they’re mostly NOT). They’d be silent as the grave about him chasing a not-exactly-enthused Stormy Daniels around the room in his tighty-whities. And they’d gloss right over the icky incestuous Ivanka angle, too. Because they’re the US’s moral authority channel, don’tcha know? And because he’s just such a model of a modern moral monster.

Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert wasn’t so shy…

…but then again, he’s a funnyman who isn’t being paid to kiss anyone’s ass (much less slip it the tongue or spank it with a copy of Forbes), so why would he NOT report on this?

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Fetus Fetishists, Filthy Stinking Rich, Freeze Peach!, Isn't It Ironic?, Newspeak is Nospeak, Not So Compassionate Conservatism, Schadenfreude, Sick Frickin' Bastards, Stupid Sex Tricks, Teh Heterostoopid, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off on FUX Snooze can’t report on Donnie’s “affair” with Stormy Daniels? WHY?

Gavin McInnes is obsessed with Michael Wolff’s sexual orientation, but why?

Correct me if I’m wrong here, folks, but doesn’t this bearded aging hipster dude sound like somebody with…you know, a wide stance?

Holy crap, Gavin…obsess much?

And funny how it’s always these arch-macho (supposedly) super-straight guys. Alex Fucking Jones is like this too. In fact, the entire far right spends more time obsessing over gay sex than any gay guy I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen plenty.

Y’know, now that I think about it, there’s something wrong with Gavin McInnes’s face, too. Namely, the mouth is moving and noises are coming out, and they have zero bearing on reality, but they all sound remarkably like a closet door creeeeeeaking, and at least a hundred skeletons in pink tutus dancing the Watusi in cha-cha heels right behind it.

Anyone THAT obsessed with proving how totally-not-gay he is would have to be what one of my fabulous friends calls an Unhappy Cocksucker. He’s seen his share of them. They’re all charter members of the Cult of Ultra-Masculinity. They haunt the gay bars like hungry ghosts. And they deny it even when you show them photographic proof. Remember George Rekers?

And yes, there IS something wrong with that. Especially if you’re propping that closet door shut with a wife and kids, as Gavvy-poo is doing. It’s not Teh Ghey…it’s the HYPOCRISY, stupid.

(And oh yeah, it’s the cowardly, cucky “we are not Alt-Right” fascism, too.)

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Posted in Bullies, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Fascism WITH Swastikas, Fascism Without Swastikas, Fetus Fetishists, Fine Young Cannibals, Isn't It Ironic?, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Teh Ghey, Teh Heterostoopid, The United States of Amnesia | Comments Off on Gavin McInnes is obsessed with Michael Wolff’s sexual orientation, but why?

US far right tries to insert itself in Canadian politics, fails

Image courtesy North99.

If you thought that the whole “America First” attitude of Donnie & Co. would spell the end of US imperialism and interference in other countries’ affairs, you are sadly mistaken. Get a load of the effrontery of Wile E. Pickle and FUX Snooze as they stray faaaaar out of their lane. First a bit of backgrounder:

A former Trump White House adviser, several news organizations and the president’s favourite Fox News morning show have all dumped on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s explanation for why pro-life groups should be excluded from $220 million in federal jobs grants.

The prime minister’s suggestion that pro-life groups were out of line with Canadian society triggered criticism in the country next door — where abortion remains a subject of mainstream political debate and is a central issue in the struggle for control of the U.S. Supreme Court.

Okay, so far, no controversy there. I may not agree with the Trudizzle on everything, but he’s right about this. Since 1988, Canada has had no laws restricting abortion, and over three-quarters of Canadians are in agreement with that. A vocal minority, however, held sway in Ottawa during Stephen Fucking Harper’s reign of terror, and he was more than happy to throw taxpayer dollars at them by way of summer jobs spreading anti-choice crapaganda, which is often based on blatant, misogynous lies. A majority of Canadians were and still are NOT okay with this. And that’s why no federal job-grant money should be thrown at them. Withdrawing taxpayer dollars from them and allocating that cash where it will actually do some good would be wise.

But guess who’s just not into this much wisdom? Yup, none other than Wile E. Pickle, Suuuuuper Genius:

“This man is reprehensible,” tweeted former White House staffer Sebastian Gorka.

Oh, shut the fuck up and go back to Hungary, you impotent gherkin. And take your Nazi medal and your diploma-mill doctorate with you.

FUX Snooze, of course, also can’t handle the common sense worth a damn:

The latest controversy involves a new Canadian policy — when applying for federal grants for student jobs, organizations are now required to sign a form attesting that neither their core mission, nor the job being funded, opposes human rights, including reproductive rights.

Pro-life activists are suing the federal government over it.

The abortion controversy produced a segment Monday on the morning show Fox and Friends.

Host Brian Kilmeade said: “What message is he trying to send to us, maybe?” Co-host Rachel Campos-Duffy added: “What happens in Canada often comes down to us. This is an effort to silence pro-lifers. … This is a sign of intolerance. If you have a pro-life view you’re not welcome to share it or else you’re kicked out of this program.”

Memo to FUX and Fiends: You’re allowed to hold whatever opinions on abortion you like here in Canada. Even the most Nazified white supremacist of a so-called “pro-lifer” is tolerated here, alas. You are not, however, entitled to a dime of taxpayer money to promote misogyny, lies, and antiscientific nonsense. See the difference?

As for what message this is sending, it’s simple: Canada is NOT a theocracy. Human rights come first here. Women’s rights are human rights. The right to abortion is every woman’s right, and no one else has the right to impede it in any way. That was decided by our Supreme Court in 1988, and that decision is settled. And your free speech stops where a woman’s right to control what goes on in her own body begins. Keep your rosaries off our ovaries. Capisce?

In other words: No one is being “silenced” here. Anti-choicers are simply being denied federal funding to make a cottage industry of their bullshit. If they want money so they can lie to us, they can damn well go raise their own. Leave our taxes alone.

And if you’re a US right winger, we’ll thank you kindly to fuck off, stay in your lane and out of our land, and keep your pious hypocritical fingers out of our politics AND our pussies.

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Posted in Canadian Counterpunch, Crapagandarati, Der Drumpf, Fascism WITH Swastikas, Fascism Without Swastikas, Fetus Fetishists, Freeze Peach!, Human Rights FAIL, Hungarian Goulash, Isn't It Ironic?, Isn't That Illegal?, Isn't That Racist?, Law-Law Land, Men Who Just Don't Get It, Not So Compassionate Conservatism, Pissing Jesus Off, The United States of Amnesia, Uppity Wimmin | Comments Off on US far right tries to insert itself in Canadian politics, fails

Fire and Fury: The unsexy but still shocking revelations

Host Gregory Wilpert and guest Doug Henwood discuss some of the more surprising (though less headline-making) aspects of Michael Wolff’s book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. The big take-away here? The sheer extent to which Ol’ Donnie’s mindset is mired in the 1950s, which, like everything else Wolff reveals, isn’t so much hot news as a nauseating confirmation of what everyone suspected. But he really does think that doing away with every piece of regulation and legislation governing business since the 1950s — the alleged mid-century Golden Age — is going to “Make America Great Again”.

But as anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of economy and ecology knows, that’s bullshit. Big Coal is dead, Big Oil is dying, Big Steel is moribund too. The places that are hurting for jobs since those industries collapsed aren’t going to see them coming back, for the simple reason that once those resources are exhausted, there’s nothing to replace them. And the measures being taken to prolong the agony of those industries’ dying, such as fracking, are economically as well as ecologically disastrous. The cost, in all senses, is too high; just ask anyone who can no longer drink the groundwater because it’s poisoned with fracking chemicals. Or anyone trying to make a living farming on contaminated, frack-quake-ridden ground. The same places could have been converted into green-technology hotspots, but the foot-dragging of legislators, hobbled by industry lobbyists, has prevented that. What little help has come in, has not kept pace with the crumbling of the industrial base…or the infrastructure. People are leaving those once-prosperous industrial belts in droves, just as the Okies and Arkies did with their untenable farmlands during the Dust Bowl era of the 1930s. What’s left of those once-thriving towns is too small and poor to sustain itself.

So, no greatness is forthcoming in any sense of the world. What’s happening now is designed simply to line the pockets of the fattest old-industry cats with as much dinero as possible before it all goes to hell in a handbasket…and it will. In fact, Donnie seems determined to do away with not just Obama’s “Green New Deal”, but the actual FDR-era New Deal as well. To say his mind is mired in the 1950s may be understating it by a full century. In terms of what he’s trying to do for the barons of industry (whom he desperately wants to join but apparently can’t), he’s firmly mired in the 1850s. Yes, the slave era. Given the fact that he’s not at all averse to importing (temporary, always temporary) workers for Mar-a-Lago and his flailing wineries from what he himself calls “shithole countries”, it’s hard to imagine him wanting anything less than outright slavery. So he’s all for eroding the laws saying you can’t hold slaves, to the point where they become essentially meaningless. No enforcement, no oversight…in effect, no laws.

It’s no coincidence, either, that he’s busy slagging certain countries as “shitholes”; they are the banana republics of the 20th century, and the slave exporters of the slave era. The very places, in other words, that capitalism got its imperialist start at sucking wealth out of. With the exception of Haiti, which is still being punished and bad-mouthed, two hundred years after the fact, for daring to liberate itself in a gigantic slave revolt. Today’s Haitians are still being enslaved, but this time just for paltry wages, where previously it was for nothing at all. Patwa was lying when he said Haitians were being punished by God for a “pact with the devil”; they are, rather, being punished by US-based capitalism, which is no god but a devil unto itself.

The US would be well advised, however, to follow Haiti’s lead, and kill all of its own corporate-capitalist slavers now. Otherwise, the next two-hundred-year punishment will fall squarely on the people’s heads. Because capitalism, when taken to its logical extreme, doesn’t liberate anyone worth a tinker’s damn. It invariably ends in slavery, fascism, and death camps.

Ask Europe how that worked out for them if you don’t believe me.

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Posted in Banksters, Confessions of a Bad German, Deepest Darkest Africa, Der Drumpf, Economics for Dummies, Environmentally Ill, EuroPeons, Fascism WITH Swastikas, Fascism Without Swastikas, Filthy Stinking Rich, Free Trade, My Ass!, Human Rights FAIL, I Left My Hat in Haiti, If You REALLY Care, Isn't That Illegal?, Isn't That Racist?, Isn't That Terrorism?, Law-Law Land, Not So Compassionate Conservatism, Obamarama!, Socialism is Good for Capitalism!, The Salvador Option(s), The United States of Amnesia, Who Forgot Poland? | Comments Off on Fire and Fury: The unsexy but still shocking revelations

Music for a Sunday: And this song will fade out…

Time for some psychic New Year’s predictions! Take it away, Messrs. Mael:

Joke’s on you, folks, it hasn’t faded yet.

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Wankers of the Week: Stable Geniuses, Inc.

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Crappy weekend, everyone! I dunno about you, but I’m feeling awfully dumb and unstable lately. Kidding! I’m just doing what comes naturally to SOMEone who shall (at least for now) go unnamed…namely, lying my ass off. Yes, it’s been one of THOSE weeks, folks. And here’s who made it all worthwhile — coughcoughHELL!coughwheeze — in no particular order:

1. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Can you believe this guy? Says he thinks God forgives him for having all those adulterous affairs and pressuring the mistresses to abort. God is just rolling Her eyes at you, son.

2. Stephen Fucking Miller. On the other hand, at least this one is consistent. He’s been a far-right, white-power wanker since middle school. It would be almost touching, if it weren’t so goddamn loathsome.

3. Paul Fucking Pelosi, Jr. Hey Nancy, could you tell your kid not to hang out with Donnie Dumbfuck and his thuggy gang? It doesn’t look good. Kthxbai.

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4. Joe Fucking Walsh. Dear Deadbeat Dad of the Year: If there were no cons or Drumpf supporters at the Golden Globes, it’s not because Hollywood isn’t “diverse” enough to suit your sheet-wearing tastes. It’s because you dumb fuckheads have no talent for anything except whining.

5. Viktor Fucking Orban. Meanwhile, in Hungary, that ol’ racist goulash just keeps on bubbling away. You would think that somebody could tell the difference between a stream of desperate refugees and an actual, organized invasion, but it’s sure not their premier. He’s more than happy to lump all that together in one unholy pot.

6. Michael David Fucking Lang. Is anyone else sick to death of these phony “family values” ‘wingers who have a buttload of skeletons hanging out in their closet? Oh good, so it’s not just me, then. Anyhow, this conservative nogoodnik is your friendly family meth dealer. You know, in case you want that pockmarked tweaker look to go with your stinkin’ hypocrisy?

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7. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. And back to the racist goulash from Hungary! Yes, Wile E. Pickle made the cut again this week. And this time, our suuuuuper-genius is trying out his new Acme Insult-o-pult on Michael Wolff, the “oleaginous scribe” (Acme’s, er, HIS own words, or rather projections) who did such a fabtabulous number on Donnie’s hot mess of a White House. Needless to say, the shit-flinging device seems to have developed a backfiring problem. Back to the drawing board you go, Wile E.!

8. Chris Fucking Christie. He swears that if it hadn’t been for Donnie, HE would be POTUS right now? Uh, dude…you seem to forget that you actually have to win not just the primaries, but an actual ELECTION to get there. And I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t even be governor of Noo Joizey right now if the locals had their druthers.

9. Steve Fucking Alford. Meanwhile, in Kansas, Jim Crow just reared his ugly head and squawked something about black people, pot, and some totally unscientific Reefer Madness shit that I take it was meant to justify racism, but really just makes him look totally fucking racist, about a hundred years behind the times, and stupid as fuck to boot.

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10. Rand Fucking Paul. Sorry, NOT sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time recovering from the nasty-wasty beatdown your neighbor laid on you last year. Just imagine if you had to do it the actual libertarian way, with no health insurance and no help whatsoever, as you would have it if you had your way. You’re upset because no one was concerned about you? Welcome to libertarianism, fuckface!

11. Frank Fucking Amedia. Nice to see that ol’ church/state separation wall is doing its job and keeping the Religious Reich’s tentacles out of the White House. Kidding! Keep your eyes on the dominionist scumbags, folks, they’re sliding in all over the place. And if you see a weird look on Mikey Fucking Pence’s face, you can be sure that one of them is up his bunghole right at that moment, massaging his prostate.

12. James Fucking Franco. Did Ally Sheedy just throw tea, shade, and unsweetened lemonade at his insufferably smirky, statutory-rapey face? Yup, she sure did. And I, for one, LOVE her for it. Because he’s a well-known douchenozzle, and it’s about time someone wiped the lube off of him. PS: And Stephen Colbert has roasted him also. Ha, ha.

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13. Steve Fucking Bannon. He’s up! He’s down! He’s spilling the beans one minute, and cringingly contrite the next! And since his career in politics is washed up, and his other career in journalism is on the verge of going the same way, maybe it’s time he went back to being a Hollywood schlock writer. He could get a whole soap opera out of his own, er, EXPERIENCES alone!

14. Andy Fucking Savage. Meanwhile, back in the Religious Reich (see what I did there?), we have this guy…who molested a teenager in true Roy Fucking Moore fashion right before giving a “True Love Waits” speech about the virtues of total abstinence. Funny how often we get these purity-culture types who just can’t resist the urge to defile, eh? And then he has the nerve to go pointing fingers at Matt Fucking Lauer, who at least confined his depredations (so far as we know) to other adults, albeit unconsenting ones? Yeah, that puts this one right into Whited Sepulchre territory. PS: Don’t fucking applaud…throw the bum out!

15. Jerry Fucking Seinfeld. I fail to see what’s so entertaining about Israeli apartheid. But apparently, HE doesn’t.

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16. Greg Fucking Conte. Once more, with feeling, everybody sing! If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (stomp stomp) If you’re spotted in the mob, and you lose your fuckin’ job, if you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap, stomp stomp, YEE-HAW!)

17. Paula Fucking White. I almost spelled her surname Shite, which I’m sure is not just a Freudian slip. Because her racket, in short, goes like this: Send me all your money, or I’ll sic God on your like an attack dog! See what I mean by Shite? And just think, folks, Donnie calls her his “spiritual advisor”. If you ever needed more proof that he and his party worship not God but Mammon, now you have it. PS: God says She’s not short of cash, thankyouverymuch.

18. Monika Fucking Schaefer. Meanwhile, in Alberta, a Holocaust-denial bus has just lost its wheels. Ha, ha.

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19. Eliot Fucking Spitzer. Nice to know he’s still thinking with only one of his two heads, and it’s still not the larger one. Eh?

20. Yair Fucking Netanyahu. He’s joyriding on the Israeli taxpayers’ dime, getting nasty on strippers and waitresses, and urinating all over his former girlfriend. Looks like Bibi’s kid is a spoiled, nasty chip off the ol’ block of Likudnik Family Values™. Oh, and he spilled the beans on how Daddy advanced a frankly self-serving, cronyist bill in the Knesset, too. How embarrassing, especially since it comes right on the heels of this! Ha, ha.

21. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil went down to Taco Bell, he was looking for a soul to steal…nah. Just doesn’t have the right ring, does it?

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22. Alex Fucking Jones. If you thought his antisemitic flip-out over Brian Stelter last week was wild, wait till you hear what he thinks of Oprah! And did you know there were black Nazis in the US during World War II? (Spoiler: There totally weren’t, and black people, not being stupid, could see the parallels between their own plight and that of the Jews of Europe pretty damn clearly, to the point where they protested having to fight against fascism in segregated military units. But hey, that’s Alex for ya…fact-free, as ever!)

23. Chris Fucking Stirewalt. Fact-checking is “not a reliable journalistic practice”? Au contraire, mon frère…it totally IS! And it used to be standard practice, too, until the death of the Fairness Doctrine, which catastrophe just so happens to have enabled your fucking “news” channel.

24. Pete Fucking Hoekstra. Yup, he beclowned himself yet AGAIN. Hoe beschamend!

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25. Lynne Fucking Beyak. Yup, she beclowned herself yet again, too. With Freeze Peach, Political Correctness, and every other lame excuse in the book! But hey, let’s at least give her credit for getting just one tiny thing right: Andrew Fucking Scheer IS an inexperienced leader. (Not that her own experiences at “leadership” would make her any better, mind you.) PS: Oh, BURN! Ha, ha.

26. Jerome Fucking Puyau. Oh, so you hate seeing teachers get arrested for questioning you? Well, so does everyone else. And fortunately, there’s a very simple solution to that problem: Don’t give yourself a $30,000+ raise; give it to the teachers instead! Oh, and don’t call the cops on teachers. How hard is that?

27. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Yup, Donnie just so happened to “discover” that it’s impossible to physically wall off the entire Mexican border region. All by himself, of course. A veritable Columbus, that man is!

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28. Eric Fucking Greitens. Like Donnie, like Drumpfites? Yup, this douchebag sure fits the profile of a Donnie supporter. Right down to the sleazy extramarital affair, and the even sleazier blackmail attempt that followed. What a pity it didn’t work, and now he looks even worse than he would have if he’d just left her alone! And that’s another thing about him that totally fits the profile of a Drumpfite: It’s Teh Stoopid, stupid!

29. Neal Fucking Tapio. Don’t like being called a racist? Great! Then don’t be a racist, and you won’t get called one. See how easy that is?

30. Megyn Fucking Kelly. If fat-shaming worked so well for her, will stupid-shaming also work? Or asshole-shaming? Just curious.

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And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf himself. Yes, he really outdid himself this week, folks. And there are witnesses: Dick Durbin, among others. When even the UN says you’re a racist, and there’s a running tally of racist shit you’ve said, what does that make you? Not a stable genius. Nope. Quite the opposite. It makes you a fucking idiot. And a racist…and one big fat orange fucking SHITHOLE. And really: Imagine him saying all that horrible shit about Haiti, of all places. What would his money-laundering buddy, Baby Doc Duvalier, say? I don’t know about him, but I know what I’m saying…

Good night, and get fucked, Donnie!

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