Ode to a Troll

Note: The following was written in response to a troll who spammed Mike Malloy’s board with right-wing garbage under several aliases. When I challenged him on his stupidities, he soon dropped the guff about wanting to “debate” in a “civil” manner, and waxed abusive. He even went to the length of googling for stuff I’d previously written (I’m not exactly anonymous) and offered unsolicited criticism of it, although it’s highly doubtful that he could do better. (Those who can, do; those who can’t, criticize those who can.) He also spammed two of my e-mail addresses with hateful vomit which I think reveals a lot more about him than it does about me. From it, I can basically divine that he’s middle-aged, is hooked on drugs, masturbates a lot, doesn’t like women but still wants this one’s body in the worst way, and is just generally a no-talent asshat with delusions of adequacy. In short, a real charmer!

Apologies for the rhymey-dimey doggerel that follows, but trust me–this monkey deserves no better.


Begone, you fool who played the troll

On boards of uncorrupted soul!

Why do you think I give a damn

For you, pukestick of rancid ham?

I don’t care for your right-wing ‘toons

Based on lies aged many moons,

Nor have you right to lecture me

On subjects such as poetry.

I will not brook your foul abuse;

As for your ravings most obtuse,

They’re good for laughs and nothing more.

You’re back again? Oh, what a bore.

I do not care how much you claim

To have donated in my name

To your foul party, which is bound

To run itself into the ground.

I only ask of your conceit

That you please send me a receipt,

For tax time will be on us soon,

And I would like to reap a boon.

Besides, I’d like to see some proof

That this was not an idle spoof.

(You haven’t got one? Oh, dear me–

The wingnut’s lied again, I see.

This seems to be a common thing

With dullards of the far right wing.)

How would you like some gay porn spam,

Sir UkeStick, a.k.a. aND hAM?

It seems to me just recompense

For one who will not see good sense;

Whose aliases are duly writ

On my short list that’s labelled Shit.

I’ll take your every drop of drool

And post it here for ridicule.

If you persist in pest’ring me,

I’ll forward to your ISP

Your each and ev’ry noisome screed

That violates their terms indeed

And only serves to build my case

That you’re a pitiful disgrace.

They’ll yank your plug, and none too soon

They’ll boot your buttocks to the Moon.

And if your nose stays out of kilter,

I’ll plonk you in my trusty filter.

Oh, what a waste of all your pain–

That I’ll not read your spew again!

You’ll raise your heart rate, but not mine,

And troll, that suits me simply fine.

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Out ‘em if you got ‘em

The blog at Democrats.com has some powerful info on closeted, homophobic gay Republicans (that’s spelled H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E-S, for the hard of comprehension among you.)

Now, ordinarily I’d plunk down on the side of privacy rights for gays because it’s hazardous to be gay in a homophobic world, but there’s a very good reason why these HYPOCRITES don’t deserve them. I’ll let Bob Fertik explain:


Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”

It’s time to expose every Republican gay-basher who is gay.

To be included, the individual must be:

* A Republican or conservative political activist

* Engaged in anti-gay advocacy or activism

* Gay or bi-sexual

* In the closet

Obviously the non-closeted members of the Log Cabin Republicans would not be included.

Not so hard to understand, is it? These people have made a career of working against their own, both as gays and Republicans, exploiting the sentiments of the bigots for personal and political gain while screwing around like gay bunnies in private. They are public figures who insist on having it both ways. (The Log Cabin Republicans, I’m sure, must be chagrined to have such strange bedfellows. As Fertik notes, these people aren’t closeted, so outing them is beside the point.)

BlogActive and AmericaBlog (see blogroll, at left, for the links) have made it their business to ensure that the walk matches the talk, and that those who don’t match up…don’t get to rest easy. Plus Ex-Gay Watch (see blogroll) has made a point of showing up the hypocrisy of those who insist that gays can be cured, but who have shown themselves to be remarkably incurable.

I applaud these bloggers’ efforts; it’s a dirty and potentially dangerous job, with all the Repug-voting nutjobs out there wanting to kill queers. But someone’s gotta do it. Might as well be gay bloggers who aren’t hypocritical, and who are active in advancing gay rights on numerous other fronts. BlogActive has already claimed a number of homophobic scalps, and AmericaBlog has unravelled the strange, strange saga of the fake journalist, arch-hypocrite and very real prostitute, “Jeff Gannon”.

It shouldn’t be acceptable to be a whited sepulchre in Washington–or anywhere, come to that. The political is personal, and vice versa. Accountability should be more than just another word in the dictionary. If a gay Republican isn’t honest and accountable to the gay populace, then what other regions of untrustworthiness might he occupy?

This is why I say Out ‘em if you got ‘em. Maybe if gay-bashing is taken seriously BY EVERYONE as a crime, instead of being used as it currently is for shameful right-wing partisan purposes, all gays will finally feel safe outside the closet. And then maybe we can all use our closets for their intended purpose: storing clothes, not skeletons.

(Full disclosure: I’m straight, but not narrow. Having a gay man for my best friend has been an incredible eye-opener when it came to bigotry and injustice. I had to face it in myself first, and overcome it there. I came to the conclusion that if my gay friends don’t get equal rights on account of their being gay, then how am I to know that I will get equal rights as a woman? How are any of us to feel truly equal under the law, knowing that at least one in ten of us is not? Equal rights should be for everyone. None of this some-animals-are-more-equal-than-others bullshit! And none of this “we’ll give you your rights when we’re good and ready.” Equal rights for all, or fascism. Them’s your options, folks. Which will it be?)

Posted in Do As I Say..., Pissing Jesus Off. Comments Off »

Irony at the endgame

Is anyone besides me struck by the layers of irony inherent in all this? They are arguing about whether it’s ethical to remove a feeding tube from a woman who is no longer able to feed herself. A woman who got that way, incidentally, as a result of self-induced starvation (an eating disorder which resulted in a fatal chemical imbalance in her brain.)

The only legal way in which the doctors may allow her to die with dignity, is to inflict the indignity of starvation by withdrawal of the already undignified life-prolonger that is artificial feeding. They can’t euthanize her the way you or I could euthanize a suffering animal at the end of its life. A human death is thus less humane than that of an animal.

And meanwhile, in an effort to affirm the “dignity of life”, they want to wheel her out to testify before Congress. Never mind that she can’t testify; she has not the faculties to form a coherent thought, never mind speak. How is that supposed to be dignified, again?

Next up: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

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Frogmarch! Perpwalk! Orange coveralls!

Bernie Ebbers has been convicted on ALL CHARGES. Woot!

Now, all we need to see is him cuffed and stuffed. Going up to the Big House for 85 years. Preferably to share a cell with a big biker-type named Butch. But what would satisfy me most is to see him being frog-marched up the perp-walk in orange coveralls. Leg irons would be a nice touch, too.

(more…)

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Want to read some poetry?

Posted in Look, I Made a Poem!. Comments Off »

Just what every girl needs

It won’t keep you from getting pregnant, or from landing in a loveless marriage because of it…but an Iron Hymen still makes a great conversation piece.

Oh, and SEX is for FAGS!!!

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If you’re a Bush supporter…

Posted in Fascism Without Swastikas. Comments Off »

The end is near. For some, it’s here…

Funny how they all look so normal, even when they’re bat-shit crazy. From the New York Times:


Terry Ratzmann, 44, left no suicide note and gave no explanation for the killings during Saturday’s weekly meeting at a suburban Milwaukee hotel. It was unclear what specifically upset him, but Ratzmann was a member of the Living Church of God, a denomination whose leader recently prophesied that end times are near. (Italics mine.)

Gee…you don’t suppose it upset him to learn that?


Ratzmann, a buttoned-down churchgoer known for sharing his homegrown vegetables with his neighbors, walked into the room and fired 22 rounds from a 9mm handgun. He even dropped a magazine and reloaded another.

Yep–it upset him, all right…


Neighbors said Ratzmann built his own greenhouse, kept a well-tended garden and even used humane traps to free squirrels that got in the yard.

“He wasn’t a dark guy. He was average Joe,” said Shane Colwell, a neighbor who knew Ratzmann for about a decade. “It’s not like he ever pushed his beliefs on anyone else.”

But another neighbor called Ratzmann a drinker, and church members said he struggled with depression for years.

“Terry suffered from depression, on and off. When he was really depressed he didn’t talk to people. Sometimes it was worse than others,” said Kathleen Wollin, 66, who was sitting at the front of the room during Saturday’s service.

Hell, I suffer from depression on and off, too. What this guy had wasn’t depression. It’s called PSYCHOSIS, people. Probably due to alcoholism, if that neighbor says true. In any case, it’s nothing that religion can cure. Truth be told, religion can make these things a lot worse:


Earlier this year, the group’s leader, Dr. Roderick C. Meredith, wrote that events prophesied in the Bible are “beginning to occur with increasing frequency.”

“We are not talking about decades in the future. We are talking about Bible prophesies that will intensify within the next five to 15 years of your life,” he wrote in the church’s magazine, Tomorrow’s World.

Couple that with depression, drinking and a threatened job loss, and you have a human powder keg waiting to go off. And looking to take innocent others with him.

PS: A Daily Kos diarist has the lowdown on the shooter’s church and “End Times” beliefs, and how much they have in common with–yes, DUBYA. Check it out. It’s a doozer.

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A 12-step program for ex-conservatives

Adapted from material originally posted on Mike Malloy’s board…


It’s time to stop enabling Daddy, and send the kids to Alateen. Or in this case, AlaBush.

What is AlaBush? A self-help group for recovering conservatives. Here’s a little ad blurb for the radio spot:

“Are you BUSHED? Have you had it with rotten so-called leadership? Are you sick and tired of sick, tired old conservatism?

“Then join ALABUSH!

“We offer rehab and support services for ex-conservatives. We’ve been there and done that. Learn to stop enabling your politically dysfunctional family and friends–ask us how! Call 1-800-ALA-BUSH today!”

And here’s what the 12 steps of our program would look like:

1. We admitted we were powerless over our politics – that our elections had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could drive us to utter madness, and its name was Bush

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God – but NOT in a fundie church, and definitely NOT under Jerry Falwell

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves – and realized that we were all f*cking hypocrites

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs – and it lay in voting Repugnican

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character – starting with the Thief in Chief

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings – and especially the Thief in Chief

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all – starting with the Democrats

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others – or result in more vote fraud

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it – and then smashed the Diebold machine that was tallying everything for Bush, even when the vote went to Kerry

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out – and while you’re at it, God, can you carry that Thief in Chief out of the White House?

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs – which we had the good sense NOT to carry out with anyone calling himself “Jeff Gannon the Loose Cannon.”

Next step: The Big Book. Alas, I haven’t written it–YET.

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From the “Well, DUH!” files

The Register notes that outsourcing to overseas is NOT all that and a bag of chips:


Although researchers from Gartner predict the market for outsourcing will grow from $8.4bn in 2004 to $12.2bn in 2007 they say 80 per cent of projects started to save money will fail to do so.

Despite the growth in outsourcing the overseas component of this will remain small. In 2005 less than two per cent of the call centre market is made up of offshore companies, rising to less than five per cent in 2007.

Up to 2008, 60 per cent of firms that outsource sections of customer-facing processes will suffer customer defections and other hidden costs which will outweigh any possible savings.

“Customer defections”. That means people voting with their feet.

Makes sense: If you cheap out on phone support, the customer can always tell…and decide that you’re not worth doing business with.

Now, when will someone twig to the fact that a lower profit margin is not a sign of failure but oh, maybe of caring enough to put more money back into the business, and by extension, the community–not the shareholders’ already overstuffed pocketbooks?

Posted in The "Well, DUH!" Files. Comments Off »