Cassez-vous, cons de merde…

Who’s so shitty they could piss off Hello Kitty? Read on, and find out who gets flipped off this week…

1. Michael Fucking Ignatieff. Shit, what do we have democracy for in this country if a man who LOST a Liberal leadership race still gets awarded the crown, sceptre and keys to the city? Never mind that he’s an Intellectual and an Acclaimed Author of Erudite But Incredibly Boring Books. Intellectualism is fine with me; Pierre Trudeau had it too, and used it to patriate our Constitution and give us a Charter of Rights and Freedoms, which is more than any of his conservative critics could ever do. (Especially since they HATE rights and freedoms.) No, what really rubs ME the wrong way about Iggy is his incredible arrogance, which is out of all proportion to his substance. Comes, I guess, of being descended from Russian aristocracy (no, I shit you not.) And also from being the product of private schools, the Ivy League and Oxbridge. How can someone with so little actual CanCon become PM? I don’t know, but I have a feeling he won’t stop until he gets the keys to the hallowed halls of Parliament, and its most coveted executive washroom, any which way he can. After all, it’s his teenage ambition. But if he thinks he’s on course to become the new Trudeau, I have sad news for him.

2. Any of the Tory voters out there who love Iggy–because of his remarkable Machiavellian resemblance to Harpo, and because he’s no Trudeau. Fuck off, the lot of you.

3. Bob Fucking Rae. Or should I say, Rae Finkle:

Laces out!

4. Stéphane Fucking Dion. Just because.

5. Branko Fucking Marinkovic. Or should I say…

6. Sarah Fucking Palin, again. This impersonator stands a better chance of being president than you:

…so suck on that. And shut up about Canada; you can’t see us from where you squat, either.

7. The fruit-bat from Funchal, Madeira, IP# 85.241.109.112, who thinks Venezuela is ruled by a communist, despite a massive heap of evidence to the contrary. Mmmmmmm, Kool-Aid.

8. The creepy cretin who’s been plying Otto with requests for personal info that he’s not entitled to. Lamest. Menace. EVER.

9. Mario Fucking Vargas Llosa. Those who can, win elections fair and square and keep on winning them; those who can’t, fuck off to Spain in a huff. Then they keep their names in the news by kvetching about the winners of other countries’ free and fair elections, and meddling where they’re not wanted. I’d like to see him try that schtick here in Canada–he’d be laughed out of the country. We, like Venezuela, have constitutional and parliamentary provisions in place for the removal of any truly bad leader. (It’s also worth noting that Chavecito is NOT proposing any alteration to those parts of the Bolivarian constitution, nor is anyone in the Venezuelan national assembly.)

Of course, if this sore loser (to the stupendously crooked “El Chinito” Fujimori, no less!) had managed to win election–not that he ever could–he would probably feel very differently about constitutional amendments. But this presupposes that he would have run on something other than the discredited neo-con/neoliberal shit he still espouses, the same that’s fucked the world (and his own neglected country) up to where it is now. See why I say he couldn’t win an election?

10. Mark Fucking Belling. Not only a racist, but a victim-blamer. And about as fugly a specimen of white malehood as I’ve ever seen. But of course, white kids don’t EVER join gangs. Let alone make the news for doing so.

11. The stupid fucking London police–first for not being able to tell a Brazilian electrician from a hairy, scary terrorist, then for lying about their own misconduct. And the fucking coroner, for trying to bar a full public inquiry–because it would embarrass the cops. Nail their heads to the wall–it’s the only place where they’ll serve a purpose anymore.

12. F.W. Fucking de Klerk. He spent 20 years of his life enforcing apartheid in South Africa; now he’s “worried” about Venezuela. Why? Apparently, they’re just not racist enough there anymore; they even have a tri-racial president who, after 10 years in power, is still hugely popular. Yup, apartheid has failed in Venezuela–the sky is falling! Personally, I find it just amazing that anyone could award a Nobel peace prize to someone responsible for…well, things like this. Or that anyone would invite him to speak anywhere, instead of burying him in the dustheap of history where he belongs. But no, he just had to open his mouth about a country making more progress on every front than his, and spout lies about it. I do believe this merits a “fuck you very much”, no?

13. RAI Fucking 2, the Italian state channel (owned by Berlusconi the booty-humper), which sanitized the gay out of Brokeback Mountain
. Excuse me, what was the whole storyline, again? And talk about timing–this happened right after the Vatican contended that universal human rights don’t extend to Teh Gheyz. The Vatican is right in the heart of Italy. You do the math!

14. John Fucking McTernan. Someone please explain to all these brain-dead religio-nutters that real fascists style themselves as ultra-Christian, and for that reason, basically HATE the homos. (Remember what the heterosexual Hitler did to his gay follower, Ernst Röhm?) Someone please also inform them that it’s quite possible to be a Christian, fascist, heterosexually married, AND a closeted queen. Jörg Haider certainly was all of those. I respectfully suggest that the Christofascists quit projecting, stop beating on the homofascists (real or imaginary), and recognize how much they have in common with those they claim to loathe. It may be more than you think, folkies.

And that concludes this week’s barrel-o-bile. Tune in for more next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel.