Inevitable fallout from the economic crisis

A woman I know at the Unfiltered News Network forum was recently let go from her job. It’s a story you’re bound to hear ad nauseam from people if you haven’t already, but this one got at least a little chuckle out of it, in the form of an e-mail that made the rounds from someone else who also got let go. Here it is in its entirety. Enjoy:

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the

economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers

40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known

as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for

the SHAFT scheme(Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who

have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW program

(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPEd once,

SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for

Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel

Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be

SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPEd and are staying on will receive as much SHIT

(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always

prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel

that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of

your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

Oh yeah, and if you know anyone in need of this kind of laugh–pass it along, wouldja?