Stupid Sex Tricks: How NOT to write erotic fantasy fiction

Go. I command you. And read this incredibly detailed account of Bronwyn’s nudity.

And when you’re done unkinking yourself and sobering up, turn the page and read how she and Spikenard, uh, coupled.

And please, please, I beg of you–if you are a writer, do NOT try to emulate this poor hack’s formula of simile piled on simile piled on simile. It’s supposed to heighten narrative-slash-sexual tension and leave the reader salivating for the glorious Climax, but all it did for me was heighten the urge to laugh, and/or vomit, and/or vomit from laughing so fucking hard.