Wankers of the Week: Brain Cancers edition

Ted Kennedy may have died, but it seems that the disease that killed him is contagious. It’s eating brains, and it’s eating them all over the place. A carcinomic plague? Could be! And it needs a quick, aggressive cure. So, without further ado, here are this week’s carcinogenic wankers:

1. Steven Fucking Anderson. Yes, the fundie-fruitbat “pasturd” from Bumfuck, Arizona is at it again. It wasn’t enough for him to kvetch about being beaten up by the border patrol (yes, that was he.) It’s not enough for him to be a sexist swinebag. It’s not enough for him (and his wife, and kids) to be a raging homophobe, either. No, no, nooooo. He wants Barack Obama to die just like Ted Kennedy. And he’s ratcheting up the rhetoric, rather than dialing it down in the face of Secret Service visits. Not only that, but one of his parishioners carried not one, but TWO murder weapons to an anti-Obama “protest” at a speech the president gave. That can only mean one thing: he’s gone malignant AND metastatic. Time for chemo, yes?

2. Meanwhile, speaking of metastases, Sarah Fucking Palin is spreading…all the way to China. Has no one told her that their environment is already full of carcinogens, and can’t handle any more?

3. Michele Fucking Bachmann. She wants people to do WHAT? Slit their wrists to stop public health care from ever becoming a reality in the US? Hey y’know, that’s actually a rather good idea, Mitchy-bitchy–why don’t all you right-wing freaks just slit your wrists, longitudinally, and forgo that blood-brother shit. Do it alone, in your nice, warm bathtub. And don’t forget to cut nice and deep. That way, you’ll cure one of your country’s most malignant cancers for just the cost of a razor blade. And you won’t have to wait for God to tell you to run for president, because you’ll have already met your maker–and it won’t be God. Nighty-night!

4. Shona Fucking Holmes. Lemme see if I got this straight: This queue-jumping nutcase I’ve never heard of till now (a self-styled sex advisor, no less!) is FOR privatized healthcare. Why? She went to the Mayo Clinic to get a non-life-threatening, non-malignant, slow-growing cyst “brain tumor” diagnosed and treated. Which she could have done up here, too. But noooooo, OUR system (which would have booked her based on need, not greed) wasn’t good enough or fast enough for Her Nibs. And now, to recoup her exorbitant and unnecessary expenses (hey, that’s the private system for ya!), she wants the Ontario government to pay? And she’s suing for that?

This bullshit should be laughed out of court. It is just such a waste of resources on so many levels. Suing (or going broke) to pay your medical bills is un-Canadian; it’s the reason Tommy Douglas gave us our present system. Trying to score ideological points on the basis of your own health is pretty damn stupid, but trashing our system at taxpayers’ expense is intolerable. Yeah, we have a wait-time problem; so what? We don’t need privatized healthcare, we need more public healthcare funding. The solution is clear: what we need are more med school positions, more doctors, more money in the system, more hospital beds, and more rural health centres.

And then, just to muddy the waters further, along comes the ultimate useful idiot (and her corporate backers) to suck away not only the $100,000 her treatment cost, but God only knows how much more in legal costs, too?

Yo, Shona? You are a parasite. You and your US-based astroturfing buddies want private healthcare, you’ll just have to pay for it yourselves. You don’t get to sue OUR government so you can have your cake and eat it too. You want to get paid to babble by a wingnut-welfare “foundation”? Fine. Let them pay your Mayo Clinic bills, and while they’re at it, they can also reimburse the Ontario government for the court costs. (Punitive damages would also be nice; sounds like they can well afford it, too.)

Once that’s done, you can all just fuck off.

5. Patrick Fucking Buchanan. Christ, how many years has this man been living with his white-supremacist cancer already? I knew something was wrong with his head when he called my home and native land “Soviet Canuckistan”. Now he claims Hitler didn’t want to take over the world? Yo, Puke-Cannon: Please explain Operation Barbarossa and the Afrika Korps to me. And try to make it convincing, please.

And while we’re at it, would MSNBC please explain to me why they hired this revisionistic idiot? And would those who call MSNBC “liberal”, please just shut the fuck up?

6. Dave Fucking Leach. Again with the “justifiable homicide” defence. If the shoe were on the other foot, can you imagine the shrieking?

7. Robert Fucking Tilton. Why? For giving Scott Roeder brain cancer. Televangelists are toxic, people!

8. Glenn Fucking Beck. Well, at least he admits he has something eating his brain. Would help if he pulled his head out of his ass, but that’s too much to ask.

9. The town-hall teabaggers who heckled the wheelchair-bound woman here:

They must all have truffles growing in their heads, because who would WANT to pay high premiums for insurance only to be denied at every bend? Oh, but of course–who else but a selfish asshole who doesn’t care if someone else suffers, as long as he’s got his. Only, as anyone who’s paid high premiums only to be denied can tell you (if you would only listen)–you can shell out way more than you would in taxes, and you STILL won’t get yours. And neither will anyone else get theirs. Town-hall teabaggers are the ultimate losers, because they advocate for the lose/lose scenario–and the winners, the Big Insurance bean counters, are laughing their way to the bank, over people’s dead bodies, and congratulating themselves on yet another successful astroturfing.

And finally, anyone who sides with the teabaggers, the Chappaquiddick sharks, the townhall gun nuts–or anyone who tells me I have a “Bill O’Reilly attitude”. Hey jackass, it’s a Jon Stewart/George Carlin attitude, and don’t you forget it. Fuck you very much, and good night!