Wankers of the Week: Out with a slam

Ever have one of those days when you just wished the door would hit somebody in the ass on the way out? It’s been one of those weeks for me. So, as we prepare to slam the door on this week (and the month of March, which shows no signs of becoming lamblike yet), here are the people for whom I devoutly hope it will hit ’em where their mamas done split ’em:

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. Yes, folks, the Coultergeist was in my home and native land this week, shooting off her psycho-bitch mouth over everything she knows nothing about. Heaven only knows why, since she’s not popular here (even with the lunatics!), and if she had to rely on box office, like anyone else not performing on wingnut welfare, it wouldn’t net her enough to buy her hourly fix of crack, much less pay her poor beleaguered shrink. Little wonder, then, that she preferred to remain a no-show at her Ottawa appearance; it’s easier to booze it up at a $250/plate private fundraiser than it is to try to scare up 400 peons to hear one’s irrelevant squawkings at a “bush-league” university, eh Chicken Shit Annie?

1 1/2. Ezra Fucking Levant. It’s rather touching how enthusiastically he shills for a woman who hates Jews so much. Normally he’s all about “free speech for me, but none for thee.” But then, he and Ann both hate the Muslims (who will never be “perfected” like herself), so of course it’s all water under the bridge, eh Ezra?

BTW, check out his blog’s disclaimer:

“This organization is not a registered non-profit organization. Donations to this organization are not tax deductible for federal income tax purposes.”

Translation: Don’t bother donating a cent. It’s all gonna be wasted on HIM.

2. Ariel Fucking Braun. Why the no-show at a meeting specifically meant to hold him accountable? No one knows. Maybe this op-ed can offer some clues. (It misspells his name, but it’s v-e-r-y interesting.)

3. John Fucking Baird. See above, and add a resounding WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!!

4. Michelle Fucking McGee. Her tattoos spell out LYING NAZI SLEAZE QUEEN, what else?

5. Rick Fucking Dykstra. Anti-conservative and anti-Bush equals “anti-American”. Um, what? Why isn’t that bad meme dead yet? Oh yeah. It’s because wankers like this one keep flogging it! PS to Rick: Stop having sex. Even with your hand. Practice what you preach, dude!

6. Randy Fucking Neugebauer. To hell with “order and decorum”. Old men just plain have no business telling young women what to do with their bodies. Spare us the sanctimonious apologies and just fuck off, already.

7. and 8. Teresa Fucking McNeece and Trae Fucking Wiygul. The best way not to get “hounded” for being a bigoted homophobic hypocrite is to not BE a bigoted homophobic hypocrite, duh. So stop your fucking whining. Grow the hell up. And let Constance bring her girlfriend to the prom!

9. Wiley Fucking Drake. Yep, the Imprecator is at it again, praying for death. This time for 219 Democratic congresscritters. How pro-life is that? (PS to Jesus: Keep that cotton in yer ears, bro. You’re gonna need a lot more of it before this snake hisses his last.)

10. Bev Fucking Oda. See #5, and add that international co-operation does NOT include going along with shitty Bushite foreign policy, never has and never will. Bev is un-Canadian!

11. The Fucking Aryan Nations. Because Easter’s just not the same without at least a metaphorical cross burning on some black family’s lawn. Or without at least one badly traumatized child.

12. Stephen Fucking Harper. Ever wonder what I have against hockey (as is currently played in the NHL, at any rate)? Harpo pretty much names it. No, aggression is NOT inherent to our Canadian psyche. I’d enjoy the game a lot more without head-shots and body slams and sucker punches and all those other things that make it look like vale tudo on ice. And without the 19-year-old millionaires who think they’re God’s gift. AND without the same “ethic”, if you can call it that, being injected into our body politic. The women’s gold medal round at the Olympics was the more exciting of the two, because those players aren’t NHLers and it shows–they actually know how to play. They know the real meaning of teamwork–it’s the solidarity, stupid. And the guys were all up in the balcony, watching them and taking notes–knowing that their usual NHL strategies were offsides at the Olympics. Harpo should have taken note of THAT.

13. Fucking Iggy. Appeasing the so-called “Harper Liberals”? Not smart. The party doesn’t have an anti-choice, religiously fanatical “base” to draw on. What they have are a lot of people who support women’s rights, scratching their heads at how this bunch could be so fucking daft. But Iggy’s true to form that way; he’d rather kiss right-wing boots than put on the centre-left ones of his party and march in them. And so would a bunch of other toadies in the same party. This, my friends, is why I am not a Liberal. There is nothing I hate worse than a bully, unless it’s his little enabling friends.

14. Mike Fucking Vanderboegh. Inciting domestic terrorism and death threats–and then claiming, oh so coyly, to only be calling for vandalism? Criminal incitement is still a crime, dickweed. PS: If you’re so much against the government, give up your disability pension, which is clearly only going to finance crime anyway. “Refuse to participate in the system”, to use your own words. Go on now. Die a free man, already!

15. George W. Fucking Bush. What’s the W stand for? WIMP. And WIPE. And WANKER! So nice to see nothing’s really changed since he left office, eh?

16. Mark Fucking Warren. Spare us the brave-thankless-ACLUer act. The Coultergeist is indefensible, and she was NOT invited by Canadians to squawk on our soil. She really should be persona non grata, and if she were a Canadian leftist trying to speak on your turf she’d be on a no-fly list, but we’re bigger than your government. She “invited” herself, and her ticket was paid by a right-wing “institute” in the US. We are not obligated to provide her with a forum; she has more than enough of one as it is. And we have every right to cancel her hate-concert and kick her out of the country, which is sovereign and independent of the US. If you’re gonna defend “free speech” (or whatever passes for it south of the border these days, which I understand includes calls to commit crimes), the least you could do is exercise your right responsibly, and GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT, YOU WANKER.

17. And that goes double for YOU, Fucking Freetards. You are free only in one sense–you are FACT-free. Guess you haven’t heard that the Coultergeist did all this for publicity, pretending to be oppressed when in fact she faced nothing more than other people’s free speech–you know, the thing you and she want to suppress. Let’s face it: Her fortunes are on the wane. She’s getting old. She’s getting hideous (well, she always was, particularly from within, only now it’s really starting to stink). And her books, which used to be saved from total obscurity only by wingnut-welfare bulk buying, are now tanking big-time. Too much competition from Caribou Barbie for those limited white-trash bucks, I guess! So she needs all the kamikaze publicity she can wangle. Hence her half-hearted presence, and then pre-arranged absence, at a “bush-league” university. But thanks so much for the laughs at your own expense, folks, they’re much appreciated! Theatre of the Absurd might just make a comeback under you people. Your conspiracy theories are truly hilarious.

18. Brent Fucking Rathgeber. There’s nothing to “ponder” here. We DO have freedom of speech, and we enjoy it just fine…on our own terms. It’s not our fault if you don’t like the way real Canadians use it–against a trucked-in Yankee shill with a tiny audience, hand-picked by her handlers so she won’t be challenged in any real way (poor baby!) She had her opportunity to speak, she blew it off, she got rightly criticized for the meddling cowardly idiot that she is. The university was within its rights to tell her to behave–it’s not a free-for-all arena, after all. And you have a problem with that? If you don’t like this country, leave it. See how you make out in that paradise to the south of us. Go on. And be sure to report back.

19. Dean Fucking Del Mastro. Another “pro-American” anti-choicer to slam the door on at the next election. Go to it, Peterborough.

20. Hans Fucking van Baalen. “Latin American dictators”, it seems, are any elected leaders south of the Rio Grande who don’t do what Europe and the US tell them to. Who is this pipsqueak, anyway, and why should he get to say anything about who Latin Americans elect to office? (PS: The Honduran “elections” were a sham, marked by abstention. Hardly “democratic”, Hänschen Klein.)

21. Mykola Fucking Azarov. Everything he says about women, should be repeated…with regard to HIM. “16 hours a day with no breaks and weekends” is nothing compared to the demands of motherhood, you old fart.

22. Sarah Fucking Palin. Her 15 minutes are long over, but she refuses to go away. She’s out there right now, dressed as a ditzy dominatrix, whoring her little ass off for the teabags. Worse, she is now complicit in teabagger crimes and terrorism. She, like the Coultergeist, should be on no-fly lists everywhere, but of course she won’t ever come up for consideration as a mad mullah of the Amurrican Taliban. Why? IOKIYAR–why else?

23. Yitzhak Fucking Shapira. Yes, believe it or not, there’s a school of scriptural parsing on when it is appropriate to kill non-Jews. And this asshat wrote the book on it. A very repulsive, squirmy little book, which seeks to make kosher what is obviously anything but. Needless to say, the crazy Kahanist types love it. It totally justifies their displacement and murder of Palestinians in the occupied territories, don’tcha know?

24. David Fucking Ito. Literally a wanker, he repeatedly tried to surf porn at work while the financial system was melting down all around him. Oh yeah, and he’s since been promoted to a higher pay grade within the SEC. Crapitalism: You can only fall up. (PS: Don’t skip the comments, they’re a scream!)

25. Clark Fucking Hogan. Because badvertising and worn-out frat-boy humor totally belong above a urinal, eh? Actually, they belong in the shitter. And they deserve a royal flush.

26. Harry Fucking Weisiger. If you need any furth
er proof that the teabags are d-bags, here he is. Even a kid in the car with the Obama/Biden bumper sticker was not enough to dissuade this right-wing wackaloon from repeatedly ramming it with his big, ugly SUV. The only thing that would put him lower on the human scale is a gun…and the lethal use of it. As one commenter at the site notes, “For eight miserable years of the Bush administration I was angry. But I didn’t try to run anyone down.” That speaks volumes as to who’s got the class and who’s just an ass, does it not?

27. Eric Fucking Cantor. It was only a stray bullet, but oh the humanity!–what a lovely victim card it made and still makes. And it lends so much credence to all those false equivalences the rightards so love to draw, too!

28. Dick Fucking Armey. He calls Barack Obama a Marxist Muslim (he is neither), but as recently as last year, right before he began pouring toxic tea at those “FreedomWorks” astroturf parties, he was lobbying for the Mujahedeen-e-Khalq–a group of Marxist Muslims. WTF??? Oh yeah, IOKIYAR–again.

29. Scott Fucking Brison. BAD move, Scott. Your Tory roots are showing! Have you not learned yet that “free” trade only deepens poverty–and increases the violence you think it’s going to stop? It only brings prosperity to those who already have more than enough–and they’re the ones who are hiring all those paramilitaries to kill the “uppity” peasants. The average Colombian will not see a peso of it. They will, however, see a hail of bullets heading their way in “defence” of “freedom” and “prosperity”.

And no, it’s not passé, no matter what your rich right-wing friends down there may be telling you. It is getting worse! And if you push for an FTA with Colombia, it will be on your head and that of every so-called Liberal who supports it. Tories Lite…NOT the Party of Pierre Trudeau and Lester B. Pearson, eh?

And finally, the commenter here, from Wien (yes, he’s a Wiener, and in more ways than one!) who thinks Che’s last name was really Guevarawitz. Everything’s a Jewish conspiracy. Including the fact that Che’s family were all Catholics…

Good night, and get fucked!