Wankers of the Week: Rivers in Egypt

Oh, clever me. I had a different opener all thought out, earlier this week. Something to do with supervolcanoes, supernovae, and so forth. That’ll teach me to write a header too soon! The Yellowstone supervolcano hasn’t erupted, and neither has Betelgeuse. What happened was a different kind of hot mess altogether–the revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt, both still very much ongoing. One country has already ousted its dictator, the other is still struggling to do so. Are you really sure you want to read about anything else? Especially something as dumb as wankers? Oh, very well, then. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Richard Fucking Land. Oh, that’s what happened to all the wanker panic over Park 51, alias the Ground Zero Mosque. It didn’t die after all, it just tied itself up into a few bizarre pretzel shapes and mutated. What a relief!

2. Scott Fucking Lively. “A knowledgeable and persuasive critic of the ‘gay’ movement”, you aren’t. A complete and utter whining wanker and whited sepulchre, you ARE. And there’s no excuse for handing ideological ammo to “kill the gays” Ugandans. NONE. Especially in light of the murder of David Kato!

3. Mike Fucking Lee. A potential heir to the throne of King George the Dubya, this teabag clinched his candidacy for that dubious honor when he said that dialing back the violent rhetoric means “the shooter wins”. Doesn’t that sound to you a lot like “Go shopping or the terrorists win”? Makes about as much sense, too. Especially in light of how anyone who criticizes a tea-tard even a little bit seems to be getting death threats these days.

4. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Yep, Da Berluscogioni has put his expensively shod foot in it again. Funny how he calls an opposition TV show a “brothel” when he’s constantly buying sex himself. From underage girls, no less. But I guess that since he does it outside the bordello, that makes it all better somehow.

5. Michele Fucking Bachmann. A legitimate political force? Try a lunatic political farce. Her “rebuttal” to His Barackness’s SOTU speech was characterized less by thought-provoking points made than by provoking questions such as “What the hell is she looking at?” and “Why won’t her eyes turn left?” When your glassy gaze attracts more attention than what you have to say, uh, that’d be a fail.

6. Paul Fucking Ryan. And in other SOTU non-rebuttal rebuttals, we have Eddie Munster, preaching the gospel according to St. Ayn. Will you people please give this Randroid crap a rest, already? We all know how “going Galt” worked out in real life. Just look at Dubai, where nobody pays taxes. The rising tide didn’t lift the boats, but it sure as hell is sinking the man-made sand islands and the International City in a sea of shit! If that’s your idea of paradise, move there and shut the fuck UP, already. (Or, better still: Somalia.)

7. And while we’re on the subject of Dubai, how about that fucking Nakheel Construction? Is anyone besides me snickering over the Rand-o-riffic irony that their chairman’s name is Ali Rashid Lootah? Or how they’re still denying what’s been obvious since a year or two ago? Too bad NASA’s photography contradicts their claims.

8. Joel Fucking Osteen. Being gay is like a drug addiction. Haven’t we heard this tired line-o-stoopid from him before? Why yes, we have!

9. Sarah Fucking Palin. WTF, indeed. Actually, her response to the SOTU was more of an OMG. As in, OMG, what a fucking idiot! Newsflash to Sawah: Sputnik did NOT collapse the USSR. (Neither did Yuri Gagarin’s historic first orbital flight.) Given that it was launched in 1957, and the Berlin Wall didn’t fall till 1989, well…gentle reader, you can do the math. Sarah can’t. And she wonders why no one can take her seriously? Yeah, I wonder too. I guess this was her way of out-dumbing Wanker #5, who I must admit was pretty damn hard to top.

10. Peter Fucking MacKay. #9 can see Russia from her house; our so-called defence minister can see LA from Vancouver. Wow, both of them have the worst presbyopia problem I’ve ever seen. Pretty embarrassing when Ahnie has to school you in geography, eh?

11. Rob Fucking Ford. So, Mayor No-Debt of Toronto went into debt on his election campaign. Well, that’s a shocker. Even bigger shocker: That he actually has the chutzpah now to hold a fancy-ass fundraiser to cover it, instead of dipping into his own well-lined pockets. Oh yes, they are. What, did you think he was a regular guy, just because he looks like some burly blue-collar Joe Blow? Oh no. He’s a fucking millionaire. He digs these shindigs. And guess who was on the guest list? Yup, our next wanker…

12. Mike Fucking Harris. Talk about chutzpah, get a load of this:

Mr. Harris said he harbours no ill will for Toronto’s mayors and councillors, who have often heaped blame on his provincial government for downloading services to the city and forcing an amalgamation.

“There wouldn’t be a city of Toronto if I didn’t force it through,” he said. “I’m an easy target to blame, I understand that. But today we’re here to say never mind the blame, never mind this or that. We are about the city.”

Item: Mike Harris hails from North Bay. Which is nowhere near Toronto. And he was full of ill-disguised hatred for the provincial capital throughout his time there as premier of Ontario. Hence the downloading and the amalgamation. He fucked Toronto over, and quite knowingly; Toronto would have been a better city today had he never set foot in it. I bet he thinks we’ve all forgotten. Well, newsflash, Mikey: We haven’t. Ontarians are still cursing your name for all that you have done to us, and not just in Toronto.

13. Joe Fucking Biden. Yes, he made the list this week. It took no less than a defence of the Egyptian dictator, who has been propped up by the US for the past 30 years, to land Joe here. But rest assured, he’s earned it. You can’t just dismiss the political will of 80 million Egyptians!

14. Duncan Fucking Hunter. Bike paths are “unconstitutional”? Wow. Only in the US of fat-ass A.

15. Rick Fucking Perry. Either that closet he’s in is getting mighty tight, or his hair shellac has eaten its way to his brain. How else to explain this?

Well, there is a lot of fat to cut from our public schools, especially those in our biggest urban areas like Houston and Dallas. I am concerned that some the highly diverse Magnet public schools in this city are becoming hotbeds for liberalism. Do we really need free school bus service, Black History Month, Hispanic Heritage Month, Asian-Pacific Heritage Month, ESL, special needs and enrichment programs like music, art or math Olympiad? I think we should get back to the basics of the three Rs, reading writing and arithmetic. I mean when is the last time a 6th grade science fair project yielded a cure for a disease?

Either he expects too much of sixth-graders, or he doesn’t understand science…much less the fact that the “three Rs”, which are really an R, a W and an A, are all basic underpinnings of science, and that by the time you hit Grade 6, you should be fairly fluent in them all already. This “back to basics” rhetoric is nothing but a dumbass’s dog-whistle for “Bible study all day long.” As for the slams on diversity and liberalism, and free bus service, that’s Teh Stoopid talking through its hat. Those things aren’t “fat”, they’re LIFE. And they’re GOOD! They teach kids how to see past the ends of their noses–which, in this ever-shrinking world, is a life skill in high demand. If he doesn’t grasp those basic facts, he should vacate the governor’s mansion and let someone with a full education (as opposed to a merely full head of air–er, I mean HAIR) take over.

16. The Fucking US Congress. Sounds to me like they’re trying to define rape by the narrowest possible definition…to restrict funding for abortions to the narrowest possible margin. In fact, I get the distinct impression that they’re trying to legalize rape and criminalize abortion all in one fell swoop. But I bet it’s just those damn uppity women, asking for it again. Right?

17. John Fucking Kasich. Racist much? Lame excuse is lame.

18. Linda Fucking Gray. No, not the Dynasty actress. The Repugnican senator from Arizona thinks Roe v. Wade is responsible for the Tucson Massacre? Wow. Just when you thought that Teh Stoopid had reached its horizon, it finds a whole new one–and scurries straight for it! Linda, come to Canada and see if that argument holds water. We have zero abortion laws (!!!) and stricter gun controls than you. And also, by strange coincidence, fewer gun massacres.

19. Lucien Fucking Bouchard. Yes, I’m aware that he recently lost his wife, Audrey, much too young, to breast cancer. Which is why I’m even more puzzled that he would take up with Talisman Energy, which is a cancer on the African continent and a fracking blight on North America as well. Has he lost his moral compass, too?

20. Hosni Fucking Mubarak. No, appointing your first-ever vice-“president” (really your former defence minister, probably chief of torture and “renditions”, etc.) will NOT stem the flood tide of protest. The people don’t want a cabinet shuffle, they want DEMOCRACY. They don’t want a second tier of tyranny, they want DEMOCRACY. They don’t want lame and fraudulent “concessions”, “reforms” or any other crapola, they want DEMOCRACY. Translation: They want YOU out.

21. Ayn Fucking Rand. Yes, I realize that the Patron Saint of All Teabags has been dead since 1982. But only this past week has it finally made the news that she died a welfare queen, because her shitty books–likened by herself and her slavish acolytes to the Bible–weren’t earning enough to pay her medical bills. Which, BTW, were all incurred as a result of her own personal responsibility–smoking two packs of cancer-sticks a day. Hypocrisy, thy name is Alisa Zinovievna Rosenbaum (“Ann”) O’Connor.

22. Belhassen Fucking Trabelsi. It must be a blue moon out there, because for once, I think our government is doing the right thing in kicking out the relatives of the Tunisian ex-dictator, who recently washed up in Montréal. I don’t dare hope that this will become a larger pattern, but–credit where due–good on ’em for getting rid of this motherfucker. Send him straight back to Tunis to face harsh justice. And send the rest of that pack of rats with him.

23. Christopher Fucking Hitchens. Yes, I realize that he shilled for the Tunisian dictatorship back when it was fashionable and without apparent consequences to do so. But it isn’t now, and the world still needs reminding that Hitch is no hero–he is a neo-con and an amoral hack to the end.

24. Glenn Fucking Beck. Have I listed him yet? He’s wanked an awful lot this week; every time he opens his mouth, another gob of splooge flies out. Okay, consider it done.

25. Michael Fucking Youssef. Why?

That’s why. I don’t know the man from Adam’s housecat, but if this is his attitude, I don’t like him. Who is anyone to tell the Egyptian people that they can’t have whatever government they choose?

26. John Fucking Bolton. Oh look, the Sheepdog is barking again. This time about an imaginary Islamist threat from Egypt! “Run, sheepie sheepie sheepies! Hide! Moooooozlims! Panic! Terror!” Oh, shut UP, Bowzer! And get back in your kennel. Dumb dog.

27, 28 and 29. David Fucking Cameron, Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy, and Angela Fucking Merkel. “Moderating influence”, my ass. Try a wholly owned subsidiary of CIA, Inc. Honestly, do they think Mubarak is going to last in power? Or that anyone besides the usual suspects wants him to? Three more so-called “leaders” who either don’t get it, or who cynically believe that WE don’t. And of course, they’re all right-wing. Surprise!

30. Thaddeus Fucking McCotter. Yep, it was inevitable that SOMEONE would say that Mubarak was “OUR son-of-a-bitch”. And with boring predictability, it was a Repugnican. Guess freedom only matters to these guys when they come to impose it on Iraqis, Cubans and Venezuelans at gunpoint. When the people of Egypt try to claim it for themselves, they cry foul. Boo fucking hoo hoo HOO!

And finally, to all the teabaggers and idiotarians who’ve been trying to follow me on the tweeter. Of course I blocked and reported you all for spam. When one of you has an image of a gun nut “hunting moonbats” for a page background, somehow I just KNOW that rational discussion is waaaayyyyyyy beyond your capabilities. Anyone who uses the dumbass phrase “barking moonbats” is already closed to reason. Bats don’t bark, and nothing lives on the moon. Which is not made of green cheese. And denial ain’t no river in Egypt, Cleo.

Goodnight, and get fucked!