Wankers of the Week: Mission (Creep) Accomplished

Look out below! The “humanitarian” bombs and missiles are raining on Libya; freedom is on the march again! And what’s that smell? The stench of death? Napalm in the morning? “Depleted” uranium burning a hole in someone’s gonads? Oh, I know…it’s the wonderful waft of warfare. And wanking. And here’s who’s been firing the toxic jizzum on all cylinders this week:

1. Bobby Fucking Franklin. Yes, the stupidest man in in the state of Georgia really went there this week, comparing abortion rights to…drumroll please…Moammar Gaddafi! Hmmm, what shall I compare him to…oh, I know…drumroll please…A PILE OF FUCKING TURDS!!! But y’know what? Even a pile of fucking turds can be right once in a while. This guy has yet to beat that track record. The US has more than its share of the most delusional people in the world, and he is the perfect example of one.

2. David Fucking Prosser. Doesn’t calling your fellow judge a bitch qualify as contempt of court? How about threatening to bomb her from the air, like Libya? Given this one’s lengthy history of bizarre anti-woman (and anti-child, in the case of kids molested by priests) statements, I’d say this one doesn’t deserve to be called “Your Honor”. Off the bench with him!

3. Scott Fucking Feschuk. What’s the difference between an escort and a hooker? Pay grade, pay grade, pay grade. What’s the difference between a prostitute of any pay grade, and this Maclean’s scribbler? Class, class, class!

4. Brent Fucking Girouex. Well, I’ll give this homophobic kiddie-diddler credit for one thing: Sodomizing the gay out of teenage boys is a more novel “cure” than trying to pray it out of a grown man, any day.

5. Mike Fucking Pence. This one’s right up there with Wanker #1 for bizarre anti-choice antics. Yeah, let’s just let poor women (and children) die, as long as they don’t “kill their babies”!

6. Roger Fucking Noriega. No, there is NOT a “Chávez terror network” on your goddamn doorstep. There is a get-your-head-outta-your-fucking-ass network here, ready to kick your exposed buttocks until something shakes loose. Nice job referencing Claire Sterling–her discredited book is based on black propaganda campaigns seeded by the CIA for whom you yourself undoubtedly work. Just slap an “Islamist” face on the imaginary commie terrorists, move the headquarters of the imaginary terror network from Moscow to Tehran, and presto! Instant crapaganda, just add slaughter. PS: Nice use of an imaginary “Venezuelan government source”, too.

7. Don Fucking Young. Looks like Sarah Fucking Palin is not the only Alaskan politician in a tango with fascist separatist movements. This one went so far as to declare his treason openly. Impeach the fucker!

8. Donald Fucking Trump. He got into bed quite willingly with Gaddafi; now he claims he “screwed” him? I didn’t think he swung that way. I was convinced he’d do anything–and anyone–for money!

9. John Fucking Lott. The “academic” father of US gun nuttery is now so intellectually bankrupt, he has to go running to Andrew Fucking Breitbart’s Big Fucking Lie site for currency to spend, because no one else will give him the time of day. Tee hee hee.

10. John Fucking McCain. War really IS peace to some people. How else to explain how a costly rain of missiles and death upon Libya could actually “save” them from a “horrible bloodbath”? (Incidentally, this hefty hunk of Teh Stoopid should serve to remind those who think a wingnut would have done better in the White House that no, a wingnut would not.)

11. The Fucking Harper Government. Yes, THAT Harper Government! Contempt of Parliament, you say? Why, I had no ide…ha…haha…hahahahahahahahaha! Ahem…sober up, Bina, don’t laugh like that, they’ll think you’re hysterical. Well, it’s not as if we don’t have anything to get hysterical about here, is it? Harpo is out in front of the cameras, pretending he’s not really electioneering when everyone and their dog knows he is, attacking the opposition about coalitions while joining the latest US-led Coalition of the Killing, preaching about the need to spread freedom and democracy all over the world while suppressing, denying and undermining it right here at home. Pardon me while I take the flag off my backpack and the maple leaf off my lapel. Until we’re out of Libya and Harpo’s out of office, I’m not gonna be proud of my country anymore.

12. Jennifer Fucking Griffin. About the only good thing that can be said about this FUX Snoozer is that finally, FINALLY, the Chicken Noodle Network has twigged to the fact that FUX Snooze, its journalistic role model of the last decade or so, LIES! And all it took was one little (unretracted) piece of bullshit about reporters being used as human shields in Libya. FUCK!

13. Randy Fucking Hopper, again. The corruption and hypocrisy and sleaze of this Wisconsin teabag just keep on getting corrupter, hypocritical-er, and sleazier. Now word is that his much younger mistress has been hired (without even having had to apply!) at $11,000 a year more than the last person to hold the (state) job. Considering that he was supposedly elected to “hold down taxes and spending”, I can’t wait to hear how he justifies that.

14. Ted Fucking Nugent. Dudes who can’t string together a coherent song should not be writing editorials for even a high-school newspaper, but trust the Washington Moonie Times not to fucking know that. After all, they are inferior to even the worst high-school rag in the world. PS to Sun Myung Moon: Is racism acceptable to you so long as it’s directed only at Africans and persons of African ancestry? Inquiring minds, etc.

15. Silvano Fucking Tomasi. Oh boo fucking hoo, the Vatican’s homophobia is not being tolerated anymore! Intolerance of intolerance is intolerable! Where is my tiny fiddle? Must have been stolen by one of the mariachi cucarachas again. BTW, isn’t it rich how an apologist for the world’s biggest pedophile closet considers homosexuality to be on a level with…drumroll please…PEDOPHILIA? And how hilarious is it to insist that “states must regulate sexual behavior” when the Vatican routinely sweeps its own homos and pedos under the rug? How hollow does a plea for the “human right” to be a homophobe ring after all that, eh?

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman thinks Libya isn’t an oil war? It is for Europe. I guess he’s resentful that the cheese-eating French are getting first dibs on all that light, sweet Libyan crude. PS to Piggy: Da Donald’s birther spoutings aren’t a “service”, they’re a STUPIDITY.

17. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. The failed former mayoral candidate wants Toronto to have a red-light district…on the Islands. Where families live, and where the crime rate is low. The rationale: “They have a nude beach at Hanlan’s Point.” As though nudity just naturally had to lead to sex? What kind of logic is that?

18. and 19. Sharron Fucking Angle and Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Add two more teabags to the lists of the senseless tree-killers. Yes, that’s right…they both have books coming out. Oh joy, oh bliss.

20. Jim Fucking DeMint. His motto may as well be “Die, die for the sake of my ideology”, because that’s what his actions boil down to. The stupid part is, he’s wasting money in the name of “saving” it. As for human life, if you’re not a fetus, he doesn’t want to hear from you. Nice senator you got there, South Carolina.

21. James O’Fucking Keefe. So…now he’s in deep debt, as well as deep doo-doo? Looks good on him. You know your “documentaries” have no credibility when you can’t finance them any other way than to first max out your credit cards, then go begging for “donations” to “defray the expense” while whining all the way about being held back by big corrupt everybody! Legitimate filmmakers generally manage to finance their operations without going to such embarrassing lengths.

22. Carlos Fucking Lam. False flag operations: they’re not just for foreign wars anymore. The US’s war against its own working people also benefits mightily from them…or would do so, were their perpetrators not exposed, as this one now is. The fucker was dumb enough to actually use the words “false flag”, too.

23. Ian Fucking Gillespie. Naturally he works for Sunmedia…one of Canada’s most ignorant, and ignorance-boosting, corporate news chains. His influence is small, but I swear I felt my IQ drop ten points just reading that piece of fucking drivel I just linked. If you also feel like you’ve just caught Teh Stoopid, don’t blame your water…blame him.

And finally, to all those on the so-called left who fell for that stupid “Hugo Chávez thinks capitalism killed life on Mars” story that Reuters ginned up. I expect the right to fall for this kind of shit because they are just so fucking dumb anyway, but those of you who should know better and yet don’t? You are just plain contemptible. Can’t you be bothered to do any homework at all? Did you all flunk Spanish in high school, or did you just never learn it? Has it never occurred to you to question the very nature of your “independent” corporate media? Reuters, which has a track record for bad reporting on Venezuela as is, had to devote three fucking space cadets to one pitiful non-story about an offhand remark which was not even made in earnest. The main author is one Eyanir Fucking Chinea, who has also emitted such journalistic gems as this highly questionable one on murder stats in Venezuela, asserting that the murder rate has “quadrupled” under Chávez. Or how about this other opus, taking up the cause for the oppos without even a blush? Or how about this fine little turdnugget which just came out today, about Guillermo Zuloaga, who is wanted not for his opposing views, but for disseminating putschist crapaganda? You don’t suppose there’s a political agenda in that, do you? Especially with Chavecito’s approval rating, and his electoral support, both riding high going into next year’s federal election in Venezuela? Did you even have the faintest clue that his opponents are all either blatantly crooked or total fucking buffoons, or both? Did you even know that the “student hunger strike” your media have been wringing their hands over involved precious little actual hunger–and a great deal of cheating, caught on camera? Nahhhh, of course you didn’t. Reuters would never tell you that; they just report on all those silly people as if they were serious, and they do it with a straight face, while blatantly misrepresenting the real words of an undeniably smart, sane, effective leader. They really don’t have the right to call themselves a news agency anymore, since what they’re dealing in is not news but pro-corporatist crapaganda.

But you don’t care about that, right? Venezuela is just some third-world country with a dictator as far as you’re concerned, and you’re already prepared to cheerlead Barack Obama’s next war, right down there, because you, a Serious Person, seriously believe Chavecito really said that and meant it. Oh hell, the jokes even write themselves, saving your lazy little “liberal” mind so much strain and effort! So why bother doing any homework? Obey your corporate overlords, and forget that another world is not only possible, it is necessary–and Latin America is making it happen without you.

Good night, and get fucked!