News of the Restless A door at the end of a dead-end street…

Crappy Easter, everyone! Bitten the heads off any innocent bunnies yet? (Chocolate ones will do.) Watch out, FUX Snooze will say you declared war on the Resurrection of Baby Jesus! Well, just call it a humanitarian intervention, à la Libya. Meanwhile, here are this week’s headless, hollow bunnies…and they damn sure ain’t made of chocolate:

1. Wally Fucking Daudrich. This lesser northern teabag clearly hasn’t got the courage of his convictions, or else he wouldn’t have taken down his insulting Facebook post that insinuated that Niki Ashton is a Maoist because she got a scholarship to a prestigious school in Hong Kong (before it transferred from Britain back to China, yet). And all his blatting about his Tragic Family History™ being the reason for his “individual rights” dog-whistling would be a lot more touching to me if I didn’t come from one that’s arguably much more tragic. Mine is what turned me into a total antifascist who knows right-wing bullshit when she smells it. Hey Wally, try having a family whose distaff half had to flee Yugoslavia when the Russians invaded. Try having a maternal grandfather who was drafted into the SS. Try going through what my mom did on the run to Germany, where her family hadn’t lived in some 200 friggin’ years. She lost her grandparents and her 11-month-old sister. They lived in DP camps, and in constant fear of “partisans”, along the way. And her family lost everything but the clothes on their backs. Yeah, Wally, I’m totally feeling your pain. In my ASS.

And if ever I’m in Churchill, I won’t be patronizing your establishment, either.

2. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. Pandering to homophobia AND the Israel lobby? For shame. I remember a time when this dude was young, hot and progressive. He’s now none of the above. And his constituents are probably wondering where the man they elected went. I have a hint for them: Look under the Bs, for BIGOTRY.

3. Marilyn Fucking Davenport. No, of course a photoshopped picture making Barack Obama out to be a chimp isn’t a bit racist. Not at all! Perish forbid! And of course, the birther teabag has “friends who are black”! And she made a non-apology apology, too! Oh yeah, that makes everything better! So does the “but nobody cried when they called Bush a chimp” schtick. Maybe the chimps did…or maybe they’re just better people than Marilyn Fucking Davenport. In any case, I think calling Dubya “Chimpy” is a terrible insult to chimps. PS to Tim Fucking Whitacre: WTF is a “lighthearted stab”? Is that where you stick a knife into someone, then, when they yell, go “Just kidding”? Yeesh.

4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Speaking of creatures and insulting comparisons, how about this one? I was going to compare her to a hyena, but then I realized what a horrible insult that would be…to hyenas. Who totally don’t deserve it. Just as she doesn’t deserve any audience NOT solely comprised of protesters anymore.

5. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. He joins #4 in the “insult to animals” category. In this case, it would be an insult to a baboon’s ass.

6. Michele Fucking Bachmann. What is there to say about Michele Batshit’s latest flop except Ha ha!?

7. Bruce Fucking Carson, again. If anyone was wondering whether he had a penchant for hookers (or “former” hookers), we now have an answer for you: Yes. Yes, yes. He apparently can’t find a woman who’ll touch him without getting paid…and in the case of a previous paid girlfriend, without a job for her niece. Must be nice to have such connections! But of course, it’s all par for the SupposiTory course…there is literally no level of sleaziness to which they will not sink. And of course, Harpo claims he never knew about any of that. After so many years of having this guy as his aide, how the hell could he NOT?

8. Fabian Fucking Bruskewitz. It’s people like him who make me glad I wasn’t raised Catholic. It doesn’t help, either, that he digs up the old canard that Margaret Sanger was racist and favored eugenics. Newsflash: JUST ABOUT EVERY WHITE PERSON OF THAT TIME WAS LIKE THAT. It was hardly Sanger’s invention. Plenty of “good” Catholics were just as racist, and in Nazi Germany, by virtue of the church’s cozy, power-sharing association with the Nazis, a lot more genocidal.

9. Terry Fucking Jones, AGAIN. Speaking of religion holding hands with fascism, look who’s back in the news! Yup, the Preacher of Hate, who obviously has no better gospel message to share, or else he wouldn’t be planning on trucking weapons across state lines, all the way up to Michigan, to “protest” (so he says) at the Dearborn mosque. I’d say he’s planning on looking for trouble, and bound and determined to find it. Fortunately, the county prosecutor had other things to say to that. And given that Jones is careless with his gun, as well as a fucking nutjob, I’d say he has a point there! PS: Oh for fuck’s sake. Can’t the motherfucker tell he’s not wanted in Michigan?

10. Scott Fucking Adams. He’s deep in the troll hole and still digging. At this rate, he might actually make it out…in China.

11. James O’Fucking Keefe. Speaking of getting out of holes by digging, isn’t it nice to know that this piece of griftwood and Wanker #5 are still such good friends? Each is now probably the only one the other has left. And it’s not hard to see why. That lugubrious auto-tune “music”! And that video, incorporating phony footage from all his fake stings, is just fucking SAD. He has no talent in any direction–writing, singing, acting, dancing…sad. And to think he maxes out a million credit cards for this! I think it’s a cry for help, don’t you?

Holy shit, he IS delusional. Straitjacket, STAT!

12. Donald Fucking Trump. Wouldn’t you love to take a buzzcutter to that head, just to see what’s hiding under that hideous comb-over? I would. And I suspect I’d find…a manure pile, complete with flies. Ewwwwww.

13. Whoever the fuck vandalized Andrés Serrano’s “Piss Christ”. Hope you’re satisfied that you hacked up Jesus in the name of your religion, you fucking Judases. Next time, learn the artist’s motivations before you deface his work. Better still, just stay the hell out of art galleries and don’t deface anything!

14. Binyamin Fucking Korn. His “Jews For Palin” group is literally a group of one. Two if you count the unnamed “scholar of Hindu-Buddhist-Jain studies”. And maybe three if you count Pamela Fucking Geller, the Randroid who’s made a cottage industry out of islamophobia but who doesn’t practise real Judaism for shit. I think I’m gonna go with just one.

15. Paul Fucking Ryan. Have I mentioned yet that he’s a pluperfect fucking hypocrite of a Randroid public-teat sucker? No? Consider it done, then.

16. Ezra Fucking Levant. Is he a maker, or a taker? Considering he’s a longtime recipient of wingnut welfare, who is now forcing their worldview on YOU with his mindlessly didactic stilted broadcast on the newly launched (and soon to fail) FUX Snooze North, I’d say the Putz is a TAKER. I’d ask why he’s preaching the virtues of the “makers” (i.e. corporatists, who are even bigger government welfare queens than he is), but I already know. He’s just making sure his taking never ends.

17. Brad Fucking Trost. See what happens when you brag to the anti-choice lobby (i.e. your party “base”) about the defunding of International Planned Parenthood while your boss is on the campaign trail? You get poopy all over your party! (And it looks good on them, too.) PS: Oh look, it’s a double wank. That’s double the poopy on the Con-Tard Party! Bwahahahaha!

18. Dharun Fucking Ravi. How’s it feel to be on the receiving end of intense, disapproving public scrutiny now, eh? Considering that’s what led your former roomate, Tyler Clementi, to kill himself after you web-cammed his private tryst with another man and shared it out to the world, I hope you’ll be feeling it for a long, LONG, lonely time. You fucking wanker.

19. Adam Fucking Conner. So, Facebook’s lobby-wank thinks there’s “too much free speech” on the Internet? Well, that explains why you can’t find any pro-Algeria freedom groups on there, and why the one I was on got yanked. And here they’re the ones trying to sell every scrap of our personal data that they can to advertisers. But then again, that’s not free speech, that’s highway fucking robbery. And highway robbery, unlike freedom of speech, is something you can actually make money off of. Free speech is too, y’know, like, FREE. And Fucking Facebook spent so much on lobbying, dammit! It has to recoup all that moolah somehow!

20. Yona Fucking Metzger. Oh, if only history HAD been a Monty Python movie. Would have been a helluva lot funnier. Oh well, let’s all laugh at this silly old wanker instead. It’s the next best thing!

21. John Fucking Ensign. Finally, one of the worst Repugnican hypocrites in the US senate has stepped down. What the hell took him so goddamn fucking long? He’s a wanker for having waited until now, when he’s finally facing an ethics probe, to do it.

22. Stephen Fucking Harper. A liar in debates? NO! Perish forbid. That’s simply not true…except, you know, it sadly, totally IS. And that’s not the only place he’s lied to us. This man lies as easily as he draws breath. Constantly, chronically, pathologically. And he won’t stop lying until they zip up the bodybag over his bulbous nose. Or to put it another way: Every single thing he says is Simply Not True!

Including the assertion that he’s left his far-right political roots behind him.

23. Sean Fucking Hannity. First it was the War on Christmas, now FUX Snooze’s chief whiny wanker has decided, in a folie à trois with two silly guests, that there’s a War on Easter. Pop culture has driven him over the edge, not that he was ever far from it to begin with. I’m no fan of Lady Gaga or Ricky Gervais, but my hat’s off to both of them for making him lose his head. Or was it the two wankers who were the Baby Jesus’s guests? Either way, let me just say this: Nice work, you two!

24. Justin Fucking Bieber. Yep, he’s a wanker again this week…for legitimizing Israeli apartheid with his vapid, pretend-profound adolescent presence. And for trying to be Jeebus, and then getting all petulant at the paparazzi (who enable him in the delusion that he is Important, please note) for keeping him from it. What would Jesus do? For starters, he wouldn’t have grown such a gigantic ego (and on such small substance!) by the ripe old age of 17.

25. Barack Fucking Obama. Yes, that’s right, you’re listed, Your Barackness. When challenged on the hopes you disappointed and the change you haven’t brought, don’t just say thanks for the nice song–start living up to your hopey-changey promises (and that Nobel prize) and free Bradley Manning, dammit. Your term is already half over, and yet the war in Iraq is still raging, Afghanistan ditto, Gitmo is still open, and WTF is up with Libya? This is not change anyone can believe in, this is just more of what the people thought they had voted against when they voted for you and not that ancient Repug dude with the idiotic running mate, for fuck’s sake.

26. Bruce Fucking Caswell. I have to ask–did this man ever have to wear nothing but secondhand clothes himself as a kid? If he did, would he be forcing kids in foster care–FOSTER CARE!–to do the same, just so he could cheap out and (supposedly) balance the fucking Michigan state budget? Just how much of a saving IS that, anyway–and more importantly, what does it say to foster kids about their own worth? I wore hand-me-downs a lot as a kid, and let me tell you, it made me feel second-rate myself–especially if the clothes were long out of fashion. (We’re talking DECADES here, in some cases.) It wasn’t meant to, but that’s the effect it ultimately had. And worse, the other kids at school noticed, and made me feel even more alienated than I already was. That’s just the way it is, eh? Well, fuck it–if anyone deserves a break right now so they can go out later and make a difference, it’s the kids everyone else alienates and picks on! Buy them some new clothes and give them some dignity–they have so little to feel good about as it is!

27. Jim Fucking Inhofe. Christ, how many times have I listed this pollution-addled wanker? This week, he claims fracking doesn’t cause contamination. And–gotta love his timing–he said it right after a fracked gas well blew, leading to–you guessed it–MASSIVE FUCKING CONTAMINATION!

28. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the Coultergeist has had another “let’s all eat radiation, it’s good for us!” moment. She thinks excessively high doses are a “vaccine” against cancer? Um, no, Ann, they’re not. Only a vaccine is a vaccine; radiation is another animal altogether, and it is well known to CAUSE cancer. And if I were you, I’d get that goiter looked at. You don’t want to leave it too long and have it eat your head right off your C-spine, do you?

And finally, to whoever the fuck almost decided to award Fucking BP a prize for safety. What the bloody fucking HELL were you thinking? This is the company that cheaped out on safety measures everywhere it possibly could, and then tried to shift the blame to its subcontractors–whom it ORDERED to skimp. And it’s now been a year since the Deepwater Horizon blew, and they’re still doing damage control, and the worst part is, the fucking media is falling for it. Even the CBC, goddammit. And you know what all that is gonna lead to? This Onion story coming true, fer chrissakes!

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everybody! Doesn’t that video just say it all? I figured it was the perfect lead-in to this week’s wankapedia…which, of course, though still in no particular order, is led by you-know who…because this is about all the leadership quality he’s got left:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh lordy, where to start with this one? There is so much wank here, just this week alone. His whiny performance at the Tuesday evening leadership debate was a wank, as is the SupposiTories’ parliamentary obstruction manual–all 200 pages of it. And how about that “plan” to move the media to a shoe store in the Sparks Street Mall in downtown Ottawa, safely away from Parliament Hill, so they can’t ask hard questions and ambush MPs at the doors of the Commons or in the parliamentary press gallery, as of old? Yeah, that’s a wank, too. And then there’s Internet espionage, and a big smelly fib about health transfer payments to the provinces. But wait! There’s even MORE despicable: The Auditor General, Sheila Fraser, is righteously pissed off at them. And why not? This is the most unaccountable government we’ve ever had, bar none–they even make Brian Mulroney look honest.

2. Donald Fucking Trump. No, nobody sees him as a serious presidential threat. His hair, on the other hand, looks like it could eat small children alive. PS: Oh, FUCK. It’s eaten his brain already! PPS: And can we honestly say we’re surprised to learn that he’s quite the racist, too?

3. Joseph Fucking Farah. Finally, FINALLY he admits it: WingNutDaily publishes misinformation! Now, what’s this “some” business? I haven’t seen a single story on there that wasn’t wall-to-wall crapaganda!

4. Sam Fucking Brownback. Awwww, so touching how concerned he is about the (largely imagined, and totally unproven) pain of the fetus during an abortion. How about the suffering of the woman during a forced pregnancy? Or how she suffers giving birth to a child that’s fatally deformed? Oh that’s right…she’s not human; her life only matters insofar as she can be kept around to serve as an incubator. Doesn’t matter if she’s practically a cadaver, as long as she’s still circulating blood to the placenta. Only the fetus truly counts. And whether it’s healthy isn’t the real issue, either. As long as the far-right fetus fetishists are appeased, shit–who cares?

5. Bill Fucking Donohue. Yup, the biggest apologist for the Roman Catholic Church’s pedophiles is up and whining and blaming the victims…again. His line this time? Still the same old same old: Teh Ghey! Willing participants! Strangely absent: any mention of the fact that abusive priests–or “willing participants in cassocks”, if you will–were breaking their vows of celibacy. Awwwwkward.

6. PJ Fucking McDowell. Or whatever his real name is; that’s the pseudonym of a coward who blames everyone but himself (and his dim-witted penis) for the fact that he married the wrong woman for the wrong reasons, then had an affair (and got that woman pregnant as well) and ruined everything for not one but two families. And who’s the really selfish one? His poor cheated-on wife…for putting her injured feelings and sense of betrayal ahead of “won’t somebody think of the children”. How dare she, the hussy! Jezebel has the perfect takedown, if you’d care to read it.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Enabling Wanker #2 in his birtherism isn’t going to improve your (already shitty) chances at the White House next year, dear.

8. Fucking Arifinto. If you’re gonna make something illegal in Indonesia, don’t do it with something you like to watch during slow times in parliament. Like, oh, say, PORN. Unless, of course, you’re just kinky that way.

9. Jack Fucking Schaap. So, this whited sepulchre is unrepentant about the shitty way he treated his parishioners, even after being exposed on national teevee? Well, all righty then. Maybe a mass walkout would teach him the error of his ways. Or better still, some jail time for mental cruelty.

10. Michael Fucking Sona. Looks like the SupposiTories up here are taking notes on vote-challenging from their Repug counterpigs in the US. This one, and a band of his fellow campus Conservative thugs, tried to hold up the democratic process in Guelph, Ontario, by claiming an advance polling station at the city’s eponymous university was illegal. It wasn’t. But I bet what the campus conservatards tried to do…WAS!

PS: Special dishonorable mention to the fool who, first crack out of the comment box, claims it couldn’t have been an actual advance poll because those aren’t supposed to start until April 22. But since this was at a university, and the majority of the students would have cleared out by then as it was the end of their semester, the university got a special advance poll set up, as noted in the local newspaper. So, not only was Sona clearly in the wrong, but his would-be defender, too. One has to wonder if this troll got paid to spout such inanities–remember, the Calgary Craigslist site had a brief ad up calling for hirelings to do just that!

PPS: Looks like the Tory effort to make sure university votes didn’t stand…didn’t stand. Ha, ha.

11. The Fucking Lingerie Football League. It’s an inane enough idea, this demeaning concept of chicks in skimpy underwear and minimal padding running around after a pigskin, but talk about adding injury to insult–the league won’t pay for the medical treatments needed by injured ex-players, and league boss Mitchell Fucking Mortaza threatens legal action against anyone who tries to fight for it. And just think, people, Toronto is about to get its own franchise! Well, at least THOSE girls will have free medicare…for whatever that’s worth. Personally, I won’t watch football until they get guys in tiny Speedos doing what these girls are doing right now. And hell, I can just turn on competitive swimming and diving for the part of it that really interests me.

12. Amin Fucking Kassim. Talk about fucking chutzpah: He guns down his former common-law wife because he doesn’t want their young son’s mind “spoiled”–a dumbass move for any single father. Then, at the ensuing murder trial, he represents himself–a dumbass move for anyone other than a trained lawyer. But what really takes the biscuit is when he gets Juror #5, himself quite the sexist wanker, involved–a dumbass move, period. Clicky the linky, people, you really have to read it for yourselves.

13. The Fucking Government of Japan. That’s right, the government. Rather than taking proper measures to protect the people, whom does it protect? TEPCO–the company running the nuclear reactor that blew at Fukushima, contaminating land, air and sea with radioactive particles. The people are not being adequately warned or evacuated, according to Greenpeace’s monitors at the scene. They’re receiving a year’s worth of radiation in the space of just a few weeks. While that may not be enough to kill them in the short term, it does mean a greatly elevated risk of dying from cancer over the long term. Shouldn’t the people’s needs be placed ahead of TEPCO’s reputation, such as it is? Or, more to the point, TEPCO’s cash?

14. Zeljko Fucking Zidaric. Oh, the things a single careless e-mail can reveal! For all those wondering if the SupposiTories really care about new (“ethnic”) Canadians beyond using them for self-aggrandizing photo ops, we now have a definitive answer: They don’t.

15. Orrin Fucking Hatch. This one joins Wanker #8 in the porn-disgrace corner. Only, alas, he has yet to be caught consuming it on the job; instead, his wank is that he’s claiming it to be responsible for a rise in crimes and other assorted social disgraces which have all actually fallen in the last several years. Boner.

16. David Fucking Cameron. Xenophobe much? I know it’s hard to believe, but new immigrants DO make an effort to learn the language of their new country, and to integrate into society. It’s not their fault if others don’t understand that. Or the difference between integration and assimilation. But it’s absolutely inexcusable when those who don’t understand are running the country…into the fucking ground. And one of the ways they’re doing it is to blame the victims of good old English racism by suggesting, not so subtly, that they are bringing it onto themselves.

17. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. He’s in a league with Wanker #13 for not disclosing the fact that Ontario’s radiation levels are up since the TEPCO disaster in Japan. What’s he so afraid of–having to do his job, which entails informing the public and enabling them to protect themselves? Remember, he got elected in the wake of Walkerton–another big scandal involving contaminated water. He made environmental protection a major plank in his platform, and how he’s reneging? I think from now on, I may have to call him McWimpy.

18. Scott Fucking Walker. Finally, the inevitable happens: a criminal probe! Can a recall vote be far behind? The people of Wisconsin surely deserve better than this blatantly crooked, cross-eyed teabag. Let’s hope they get a real governor, and soon.

Quod erat demonstrandum, baby.

19. Tim Fucking Hudak. Oh surprise! Ontario’s SupposiTory leader is an exact replica, in miniature, of Wanker #1. Which actually doesn’t surprise Ontarians a bit…we all knew he would turn out like this. After all, he’s a Mike Harris SupposiTory…and a lot of THOSE epic failures fell up to land straight in Harpo’s cabinet.

20. Roger Fucking Vangheluwe. How’s this for chutzpah? He’s a two-time incestuous child abuser, AND he has no intentions of leaving the priesthood. Stands to reason: Why leave the biggest pedophile-shielding closet on Earth, which also guarantees a steady stream of prospective victims to the abuser?

21. Chris Fucking Christie. I believe the words “gross misogynist fuck” just about cover it, no?

22. Rick Fucking Santorum. Ass sploodge says WHAT? He’s running for president? Ha, ha–oozing might be more like it. Or creeping.

23. and 24. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly and Suzanne Fucking Venker. Isn’t it funny how those very same women who say the rest of us should go home, stay in the kitchen, and make babies, don’t take their own advice–and make a very lucrative cottage industry of being utter fucking hypocrites? If their shit didn’t do massive damage to women’s well-being in real life, it would be funny. But remember, Phyllis Fucking Schlafly is practically THE woman who got the Equal Rights Amendment scrapped, and has kept a second one from being tabled since. I guess it’s easy to fight tooth and nail against social justice if it deprives you of credibility and moolah–eh?

25. Scott Fucking Adams. In the entry that got eaten a couple of weeks ago, I slammed his balls to the wall for being a friggin’ misogynist AND, when called on it, dropping a string of comments (scroll down!) belittling the intelligence of his feminist critics (thus proving, backhandedly and cackhandedly, that the ladies had a damn good point). Now he’s back in the news again, for yet another egomaniacal, loserish wank: pretending to be someone else, a rabid superfan of–you guessed it–Scott Fucking Adams. Sock puppet on hand (or cock?), he trolled the Internets, using at least one fake identity to prove that dang, that Scott Fucking Adams is a damn good cartoonist. And a sooooooper-genius. Unfortunately, that was none too bright of him, since someone whose IQ probably didn’t test so high easily sussed him out…and now all the subgenii of the world are laughing at him. Me? Well, as a former Mensan with a 99th-percentile IQ of mine own, I just roll my big, brown eyes at the notion that a guy who does crude doodles of talking Machiavellian dogs and “Elbonians” could fancy himself so terribly, terribly much.

26. Linda Fucking Szczepanski. Driving drunk is a wank in and of itself, but when arrested for it, to tell the officer to go arrest pedophiles–and MEXICANS? That’s some triple-distilled industrial strength wankitude right there!

And finally, a special shout-out and Bronx cheer to these guys:

How do you suck? Let me count the ways…no, wait, on second thought, I don’t have all fucking night. Let’s just say that’s the most unhip hip-hop I’ve heard all week. And if you’re gonna get down on taxing and spending, better attack your own military-industrial complex first. You missed them in your word-salad of bad unrhyming verse. Kind of a major oversight, that.

Good night, and get fucked!