Wankers of the Week: Royal Wedding edition

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Crappy Beltane Eve, everyone! Say, wasn’t that a lovely royal wedding yesterday? I’m actually surprised by how much I liked it, all things considered; the build-up in the media for months on end was a royal pain in the ass, but the ceremony itself wasn’t bad. That is, except for the walloping tab (which I hear the British taxpayers will be picking up the lion’s share of, the poor hung-over dears). And all those silly hats! But those trees in Westminster Abbey were a nice touch; brightened the stuffy old place up no end. Maybe they should keep them there for a while. (And that cartwheeling verger, he’s a keeper too.)

But enough about the trees, and enough about the wedding. I don’t feel like turning cartwheels; I feel like that little girl in the picture. And here’s who’s responsible for my feeling that way, in no particular order…

1. Tim Fucking Tze. Theocrat much? Just because Harpo panders to the fundies, doesn’t make him God’s candidate. In fact, the whole “wall of protection” prayer is a farce and a waste of time. God, I pray you smite not only Harpo, but anyone who’d pray something so god-awfully fucking STUPID. Contempt of Parliament doesn’t need or deserve divine protection, and neither does fascism. Harpo is guilty of both. And so, by extension, is anyone who supports him.

2. Stephen Fucking Harper. So, this is what the “Reverend” Wanker #1 was praying for God to put a wall around? A chronic, pathological liar who stoops to pathetic strawman (or boogyman) arguments when he’s got nuttin’ on Jack Layton (who, BTW, is kicking his ass)? That’s fucking pathetic. It’s no wonder Jack’s got him by the short ‘n’ curlies. And this late in the campaign, no amount of God-bothering is gonna help him anymore. Not even the embarrassing revelation (courtesy of the missus) that they dressed up the cats for their own little wedding. Why so low key? It was her second. The more you know, eh?

3. Franklin Fucking Graham. Anyone who can support Da Dumb Donald in his birther crapola deserves a fast one-way ticket to the wank tank.

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4. Rick Fucking Perry. Sorry, praying for rain while in a state of denial is not the answer to global warming. The answer is to drive less, hold polluting factories accountable, and oh yeah, you might want to talk nicely to your local native band. They’ve been known to dance that stuff out of the sky, at least before Whitey decided, stupidly, to “civilize” them. What is THAT, if not a prayer?

5. Allen Fucking West. Wow, who knew that Spartan women became mothers before the age of nine, and that they produced “male sons” (as distinct from female ones)? Someone please inform this sloppy-talking schmucktard that Planned Parenthood is not “neutering” men (quite the opposite, since it permits them to cavort without consequence!), but something of the kind could be arranged for dunderheads like him. The last thing humankind needs in its future generations is more of Teh Stoopid!

6. Charles Fucking McVety. Shhhhh! Cheese it, you fucking theocratic idiot! We WANT your side to be unmotivated–and lose, lose, lose!

7. Pat Fucking Robertson. I think he must finally be on his last legs (THANK YOU, JESUS!), because his latest daffy utterance makes no fucking sense at all, not even in Wingnuttese. I have NO idea how abortion rights are supposed to make all women resemble lesbians, but I know a great many heterosexual women whom abortion, or the mere right to access it if desired, hasn’t lesbianized one bit. And conversely, a rather startling number of lesbians who are biological mothers, all of them by strictly natural means. Now, will someone please tell Patwa that, on camera? I wanna see his head rotate a full 360º and spit up pea soup.

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8. Jason Fucking Kenney. Supporting a homophobic “comedian”? Classy. Couldja bang on that closet door a little louder, Jason? And maybe get your unfunny, woman-hating friend there to help you scream? And Ezra Fucking Levant, too? He’s pretty fucking loud, and it sounds to me like he’s stuck in there with you guys!

9. And while we’re on the subject of screaming closet cases, yeah, how about Guy Fucking Earle? I’d say he deserves to lose his “comedy” career; he sounds about as funny as a bad attack of herpes. You can tell just by the kind of supporters he attracts that he’s pretty much a festering sore on the cultural scene. All that stench draws is buzzing flies, y’know.

10. Joe Fucking Arpaio. The world’s worst sheriff fires two aides…for doing what he told them to do. Of course, the bastard giving the bad orders has no sword to fall on. He just hands them off to his aides. Nice boss, that.

11. Bruce Fucking Carson, yet again. Is there a dirty pie that this dirty old fool of dirty old Harpo’s doesn’t have his dirty old fool fingers in? If there is, maybe THAT should make the news. But yeah, this tar-sands thing is explosive enough in and of itself…even more scandalous than the pictures of his paid girlfriend in her lingerie, advertising her paid sexual services. (Yes, this is that “ethical oil” that Ezra Fucking Levant is always prattling his fool head off about. Growing less ethical by the day, it is!)

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12. Edward Fucking Hayes. Always beware the men in uniform — especially the bylaw enforcement officers who come for a massage and stay for “surprise sex”, i.e. ASSAULT.

13. Chuck Fucking Norris. Plagiarize much? Yes, he does! And the pitiful part is, the shit he plagiarizes isn’t even any fucking good.

14. John Fucking Aglialoro. John Fucking WHO? No, not Galt. The schmuck who thought Ayn Rand’s diarrhea was worth making a three-part snoozer out of. So much so that he blew $20 million of his ill-gotten fortune on it. Not a bright move for someone who religiously believes in the virtue of selfishness. (One thing we may be thankful for, though, after this: No Part 2 or 3.) But does he take responsibility for his own foolishness? Or credit market forces (which, for once, have proven correct)? No. Whom does he blame? The critics. Behold the Virtue of Selfishness–it turns you into a complete fucking idiot with poor taste and worse judgment, plus zero sense of personal responsibility. It won’t lift you up out of the shitter, and it won’t infuse your work with brilliance. But by damn, it sure does make you think you’re a fucking genius.

15. Fucking FUX Snooze North. Yes, that’s right, the entire new “news” channel, so new it’s old already. Another right-wing news outlet that resorts to bullshit since it can’t report news to save its miserable life, ho-hum. Didn’t they try this with the National Post, and didn’t that fail, too? Oh sure, it’s still around, still draining one deep pocketbook after another, but it hasn’t made a dime yet. And it’s been here for how many years? No wonder they tried to ram through “must carry” status for this one, and no wonder they failed at that, too. Let’s face it, Canada is not a right-wing country and never will be, and any attempts by media outlets to make it one will invariably fail, epically and expensively. PS: Bwahahahahah! PPS: And now we know why Harpo’s cronies wanted them up so soon…so they could smear his political rivals in the dying days of a failed campaign for a majority. First Iggy, then Jack. None of the shit sticks, though–because nobody’s watching, because nobody’s guilty, and because Canadian voters aren’t stupid enough to fall for it unless they were voting Conservative anyway. Oh noes!

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16. The Fucking Globe and Mail. Or as it’s also variously known, the Grope and Flail, or the Groan and Fail. I suspect that last one will stick, since they just endorsed Harpo as their prime-ministerial choice on the dipshittiest of grounds. This is even dumber than their firing the best columnist they had — Rick Salutin. Why the hell are they trying to out-Pest the National Fucking Pest, anyway? And why at this stage of the game, when they know full well that Jack Layton is about to eat their boy’s lunch, as more than one of their writers has freely admitted? A pre-emptive blowjob for access in case Harpo does get his coveted majority (ha!) and starts shutting the media out in earnest? How seriously stupid. Harpo thinks everyone with a press badge is a liberal (big L or small) out to get him. They could have spared themselves this humiliation. He’ll still cut them like the bitch he is. Assuming he makes it back into the PMO, of course. Which, even with their endorsement, doesn’t look so bloody likely now.

17. Ezra Fucking Levant. If anyone should wonder why FUX Snooze North is failing so badly already, blame the Putz. He makes anything he appears in instantly unworthy to be taken seriously. Shouldn’t a TV personality at least be able to speak without spraying the camera full of spittle?

18. Payam Fucking Tamiz. Ignorant slut. That is all.

19. Donald Fucking Trump, for the umpteenth time and ump. Would it shock you to learn that he’s an antisemite and a homophobe, as well as a misogynist and a racist? No? That’s good, because he is all those things PLUS a shitpile with bad hair.

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20. Orly Fucking Taitz. Would it shock you to learn that yes, she really is an appalling racist? No? That’s good, because she most definitely is. (And she probably thinks she isn’t, just because she said negro and not nigger.)

21. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Would it shock you to learn that yes, he really is an appalling bigot? No? That’s good, because right now, the only thing separating him from the Coultergeist is a goiter and a mop of bleached hair. If he wants the Arab world to go for mass conversions to “Christianity” as he practices it, let him go there without the US Marines. Let’s see how far his big yap carries him then.

22. Sally Fucking Kern. Would it shock you to learn that yes, she is an appalling racist and sexist as well as a homophobe? No? Good, because she is one.

23. Terry Fucking Jones. One word: DENIED! (Okay, maybe two more: Ha, ha.)

24. John Fucking Stossel. You know you’re irrelevant when you bring a strawman to the “debate” with your Randroid pals. Get off the fuckin’ TV, already.

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25. Phil Fucking Henning. Wanna know what’s sick about the Catholic church? The fact that they are all for compelling women to give birth willy-nilly to disabled kids, but then won’t give communion to those same kids once they’re out of the nasty-wasty womb. But hey, how about a little last-rites unction instead? Yeah, that’s comforting. And inclusive. Jesus.

26. Stephen Fucking Taylor. Most. Pathetic. Tweet. EVER. (Or at least, of this week. Tune in again next week, when he moans about how we’ve all gone commie for electing Jack Layton as our first-ever New Democratic PM.)

27. Sarah Fucking Palin, yet again. “Unreliable narrator” is a nice way of saying that she lies a lot — or at the very least, has trouble keeping her story straight, because she’s just making it all up as she goes along. And if you buy her on grounds of faith, guess what? You’re enabling a bearer of false witness. Yep, that’s a sin! And Jesus has made it very plain that he does not like liars. PS: Case in point. Now that the Birther hordes have run out of options, guess who’s struggling to remain relevant? And once again failing and pissing Jesus off?

28. Fucking Facebook. Once again, we have to ask: Which side are you on, boys? Free speech, or corporatism? Oh, I see. You’re on the corporate side. And you felt that the best way to celebrate the luvverly-wuvverly royal wedding was to trample free speech so that British corporations could go on getting their pound of flesh. Well, isn’t that special? This is right on a par with all the pre-emptive (and unnecessary) arrests of anarchists in squats. If anyone needs proof that capitalism is the enemy of democracy, let them look no further. Maybe, when Will and Kate get back from their honeymoon, they can weigh in about how wrong this all is, and how embarrassing for them. That is, if royal duty doesn’t stifle their voices, too.

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And finally, to the fake Jack Layton who posted this fucking nonsense today…

Your not really giving insight into the whole matter, you’re merely smearing my opposition. The problem Canada has right now is with the opposition of the conservatives; how are they to accomplish much (and yet they still do) when every move they make is blocked by a union of losers? The elections need to end for the full four years, and therefore the Conservatives need a majority. Also, if the liberals are supposedly just another form of conservatism, then that means the large majority of the Canadian population are actually conservatists, not progressive.

…on this entry. Care to explain why your email address is lexie_96@hotmail.com, why your IP# is 209.105.222.21 (that’s Timmins, Ontario, where the real Jack was not, today!), and above all why, unlike the real Jack, you can’t string together a grammatically correct sentence, much less a coherent (and honest) message? Next time, try posting under your real name and I might publish the comment and take it seriously. This one, however, belongs in the toilet, where as of tonight it will get the Royal Flush. If you’re smart, you won’t try this kind of thing here or anywhere else again. I don’t take kindly to impersonators saying asinine shit on my blog, and I’m sure the real Jack Layton doesn’t, either.

Good night, and get fucked!

4 Comments

  1. otto says:

    oh i do like the police medic

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Yeah, we have guys just like him here, too! Only they do it with horses.

  2. NOT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT
    (and I’m sure you’ll have plenty to say)
    but I had to share this.

    IAN WELSH
    Conservatives Win Majority

    And with a fairly decent margin. The collapse of the Liberals in Ontario, and the choice of BC to go largely Conservative seem to have been the key. How much difference the robocalls giving false information to voters in ridings in Ontario and BC which Conservatives were in danger of losing remains undetermined. Hopefully the courts will show their independence and investigate this question aggressively, but with a majority government, Harper will be in a position to shut down such investigations and has show in the past that he has no qualms using such power.

    Southern Ontario, outside the city cores, went hard Conservative. This continues the trend of Ontario suburbs thinking that the man who has presided over the destruction of Canadian manufacturing is going to save them by keeping their housing values high and driving Toronto into the ground, because suburbs don’t need healthy cities. This bet on the part of Canadian suburbanites will work out as well for them as it has for American suburbanites.

    Going forward this is probably good for the NDP. Their job now is to be a good opposition, and to make the case that everything Harper does is wrong, destructive and will be rolled back by an NDP government. As for the Liberals, job 1 is to ditch Ignatieff, job 2 is to make the case to Ontario that they are the party that can actually run government properly, and make the economy work again. “You had it pretty good in the 90s, didn’t you?” should be their mantra. Especially as it looks to me like Canada is about to go into recession, certainly it’s in danger of doing so. Of course, Harper has 4 to 5 years to try and ride it out, but I’m going to say that now that he has full power, he will screw it up. He’s that sort of guy.

    For Canada? Not so good. But, under the rules as they exist (minus the robocalls), the Conservatives won. Even if Harper did cheat (and I would be highly surprised if the Conservatives weren’t behind the robocalls), it’s highly unlikely that the Courts will call him to account, since he will be in a position to shut down police investigations. Still, there is nothing he can do that can’t be undone by another majority government, and apparently Canadians need to learn what happens when you let someone like Harper have a majority. That learning will be unpleasant, but I guess it’s necessary. In particular for Ontarians, who have voted against their own self interest. It’s one thing for the Prairies to vote for “loot now, worry about the hangover later”, it’s another for Ontario to vote “make Dutch disease permanent and destroy our industrial base.”

    Oh, and if the Governor General is reading this, you should refuse to allow the government to sit until the investigation into the Robocalls has been completed. Given you were appointed by Harper, unlikely, I know, but you might want to consider putting Canada first and doing your job.

    Years ago I wrote this: Rumsfeld’s Immigration Plan
    Michel Chossudovsky in 2004 @ globalresearch.ca Territorial control over Canada is part of Washington’s geopolitical and military agenda as formulated in April 2002 by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “Binational integration” of military command structures is also contemplated alongside a major revamping in the areas of immigration, law enforcement and intelligence.
    Venezuela is lookin’ good!

    Hi!

    • Sabina Becker says:

      It is, indeed. And I, who live in Southern Ontario, am cursing the shit out of my neighbors right now. Damn idiots voting for recycled Harrisites, the same they kicked out when they elected McWimpy. Dumb fuckers never learn. But that’s grist for my next post, which is coming down shortly…hang in there!

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