Crappy first weekend of summer, everyone! How’s the weather where you are? Where I’m at, it’s predictably unpredictable with occasional bursts of shitty. But all is not lost. I hear there’s another Freedom Flotilla that’ll set sail for Gaza very soon, under the slogan of the late Vittorio Arrigoni: Stay Human. But then, those are real people on board. Menschen one and all. These wankers? I’m not so sure about them:
1. Pamela Fucking Geller. Oh, look who’s defending fascists and white supremacists again! Honestly, this crazy racist bitch would defend Hitler if the object of his malign attentions were Muslims. Hell, she’d do it even if his only victims were Jews…because that’s just the kind of inhuman being she is. BTW, being pro-Israel is certainly not compatible with being anti-fascist anymore. Israel has a racist apartheid régime in power that has no problem firing on Jews if they dare to defend the Palestinians. Which is why some real Jews are on the second Freedom Flotilla right now, sailing for Gaza in a show of solidarity. Bet she’s got nothing but love for them, eh?
2. John Fucking McGee. Whatever happened to “friends don’t let friends drink and drive”? Apparently he must not have very many, because he staggered home alone from a golf course late last Saturday night, found a truck unlocked with the keys inside (stupid move on the part of the owner), got in, drove it a short distance, wrecked it, then passed out. When he came to, he was mumbling questions about the “Promised Land”. No, dillweed, you weren’t dead, you were dead DRUNK. And to think you formerly headed the Idaho Senate Transportation Committee? It is to laugh.
3. Dennis Fucking Prager. Not only is this creepy fuck a sexist, he’s also one helluva racist. Black women, lazy welfare queens? What bullshit. When were black women ever lazy? They have been the hardest workers around since, oh, only since the days of SLAVERY. When they weren’t even allowed to marry, because they were being sold as breeders and field hands and oh yeah, sex toys for Ol’ Massa. Mustn’t forget that. But if you really want to know why so many black single mothers are on welfare (hint: men imprisoned at the highest rate in US society, typically for minor infractions like marijuana possession), you might want to look back as far as the slave-owning days, because that’s where it all really began. And there was NO welfare state back then.
4. Rand Fucking Paul. Let the hungry seniors eat private charity…to which he’s probably not contributing anything, either. Good on Bernie Sanders and the wonderfully quippy Al Franken for handing him his ass.
5. Philip Fucking Davies. Minimum wage is not a “hindrance to job-seekers”, it’s a hindrance to the greed of bosses who are looking for slaves. And paying disabled workers less? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, especially when you consider how much more it costs a disabled person to stay alive and equipped with all those things the more able-bodied among us don’t have to buy in order to make their way through life! Ever price the renovations to a house or apartment to make them wheelchair accessible these days, Phil? Yeah, try getting those on minimum wage, much less something lower. I wouldn’t wish a disability on anyone, but I’m damn close to doing so just for this dickweed — if only for a day, so he could see what it was really like. What a pity the bad economics and stupidities of conservatism aren’t classified as disabilities; they certainly do stunt the mind.
6. This fucking asshat of an unnamed Southwest Airlines pilot. WTF is this, the fucking 1970s? I thought all that Coffee, Tea or Me? shit was long over and done with (and good fucking riddance, it was bullshit anyway). Yeah, dude, you sure as hell do need to get laid…but with an attitude like yours, is it any wonder no one’s raising her hand to volunteer? I’m guessing a lot of frequent fliers will also be re-booking after hearing you performing your unintentional stand-up comedy on open mike to the control tower. I guess you don’t check out those classified ads in the backs of local tourist rags, either — the ones specifically directed at the kind of guys who hang out in airport bars, getting all bitchy over “part do-able” married women who just won’t stop talking about their menfolks. Hell, you can even pay those nice ladies to listen to your whining and bitching. And if they have husbands, you won’t hear them breathe a word about those. Pinky-swear!
7. Molotov Fucking Mitchell. Is that really his name? I don’t know, but damn, this little white motherfucker has hit the trifecta: Sexism, racism AND doctor-killing. All for the sake of “pro-life” crapaganda that perpetuates the “abortion is a black genocide” fallacy. And yet, strangely, the murdering of doctors and women (of whatever color) is never a genocide to these fools; it’s apparently not even a loss of life, in their eyes, even though it takes lives that are way beyond the fetal stage (and often, essential to the lives of others). Why is that?
8. Robert Fucking Spencer. Yeah, we really believe that Anthony Weiner secretly converted to Islam just so he could marry Huma Abedin. Or we would, if we were all as bug-fucking crazy as Robert Fucking Spencer, who apparently sees a jihadist under every bed.
9. All the fucking idiots on Facebook who got Roger Ebert (temporarily) censored just for tweeting and linking to a TMZ story showing probable evidence that a certain Jackass star was drunk when he fatally crashed his Porsche. And it turns out that yes, he was — VERY. It’s a rare person who manages to live large and live long, and this Jackass dude wasn’t that person. Live by the jack, die by the ass — them’s the sad facts of a short life, fanboys, so face them, and learn. And yeah, yeah, we all know you’re grieving and that this only grinds salt into it, but that’s not an excuse to play Internet censor. Other people have the right to tell a story and voice their opinions; if you don’t want to hear them, just shut your damn computer off, put down your Crackberry, and go mope elsewhere. Don’t be a troll. Even if the story is not one you want to hear right now, you have no right to shut down Roger Ebert — an eminent film critic whose words, unlike all those jackass stunts, have never harmed a single soul.
10. Sarah Fucking Palin. Her latest Quitbull stunt? Quitting her “Look At Me, Look At Me, Look At Me” bus tour. Even at self-pimping, this self-professed pitbull in lipstick is half-assed at best. PS: Nice lame excuse, too. Watch her get out of jury duty and proclaim that she’s really running for preznit after all!
11. John Fucking Galliano. Yeah, having some Shaolin monk “friends” (whom you previously hired to perform in one of your fashion shows) makes you totally not a racist, dude. (NB: Besides some ugly on-camera remarks about Jews, Galliano also slanged Asians while under the influence of whatever it was he’d been on that night.) If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a skeevy bigot say “But some of my best friends are…”, I’d be a very rich woman by now. Rich enough to take one look at Galliano’s creations (and their overblown price tags) and sneer at them the way he sneered about Jews.
12. Luke Fucking Chrisco, probably soon to be known as the Portapotty Pornographer. Ladies! How would you like to spend $620 of your hard earned money (70 cents to a man’s dollar, what a bargain!) for “Seven Days of Sin” with this self-described “biggest jackass on Earth”, who also pimps out his teenage girlfriend (he himself is 30), offers “massages” at yoga retreats all over the world, and, in his spare time, likes to hide out in porta-toilet tanks, snapping pictures of unsuspecting (and, I suspect, UNWILLING) women’s wazoos so he can post them to the Internet for his own profit? No shit, he’s offering all that and more, all wrapped up in cuddly New Age jargon to make you feel like a Supreme Being instead of just another boy-renter! But you’ll have to wait until they let him out of the Big Tank; no word yet on how long he’ll be in for. He’s in deep shit now for that little ol’ loo-lurking stunt in Colorado, you see.
13. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Way to skew your polls, Maggie! Old married heterosexuals do make the best respondents for getting anti-gay results, do they not? Too bad that they’re not what the pros in the polling field would call a representative sampling. Meanwhile, close to 60% of the general population of the US is now in favor of same-sex marriage. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it.
14. Stephen Fucking Reeves. OMG, what an omgyjyer. (That’s “wanker” in Cornish; he apparently tweets in it.) Devoting an entire blog to fact-free hating on an intelligent woman like mi amiga Antonia, just because she writes for the Toronto Star, she’s feminist, pro-choice, green, etc.? Wow. That is what I call an OBSESSION. It’s also quite possibly construable, from a legal standpoint, as harassment, cyberstalking, and/or hatemongering. Legal beagles, would you kindly take a look at the odious thing and weigh in here? Thanks.
15. Peter Fucking McKay. I have a shameful admission to make here: When I was younger and dumber, I used to think this dude was kinda cute. I also used to think he was sorta nice. The kinda-sorta scales have since fallen from my eyes, and it took the phrase “Taliban Jack” to detach them. (That spiteful “dog” slur against Belinda Stronach didn’t exactly improve matters, either.) So thanks, Peter, from the heart of my bottom, for curing me of that foolish little infatuation. And I just wanted to say that the older you get, the more like a fuckin’ weenie you look. Which is quite the coincidence, because…well, you know.
16. James Fucking Delingpole. If US liberals “really are the dumbest creatures on the planet”, based on his distinctly UNscientific view of things (Thomas Fucking Sowell is his economic guru? Really?), then UK conservatives are truly through the Looking Glass. I mean, there is NO so-called climate debate happening anymore, and “climate change skeptics” (read: denialist kooks) are not only dead wrong, they’re completely out of favor with everyone; every climatologist worthy of the name knows full well that man-made climate change IS happening, and yes, crapitalism IS to blame for it. And the general public knows and accepts this too, regardless of what some mouthy minority (seeking “balance” and “objectivity” in the “liberal media”, the poor oppressed little things!) may claim. So how did the hilariously surnamed Mr. Delingpole manage to miss that boat so completely? I don’t know, but I think it may just be because he’s yet another ass who managed to fool the world into thinking him to be intelligent by braying with a plummy English accent. Unless, of course, he’s actually writing satire, in which case he needs to work on his schtick. A LOT. Despite his claims of being “fantastically entertaining”, he is only accidentally amusing.
17. The Fucking FDA. It now claims that silicone breast implants are safe, thus reversing a 1992 decision that found ample, convincing evidence of the exact opposite. Yeah, tell me corporate lobbyists haven’t totally bought this federal agency out. And what a coincidence that this latest decision comes just as boob jobs are booming!
18. Tom Fucking MacMaster. Yep, the “Gay Girl From Damascus”, again. A failed novelist after all? Why, I never would have guessed. This puts him right up there with James Fucking Frey and all those other fabulist phonies. Funny how fake memoirists just all turn out to be bad novelists, eh? PS: Double-wank! Our crap novelist has also threatened to sue Max Blumenthal, and generated two sock puppets to troll him, apparently just for telling the unvarnished truth about him. Oh what a tangled web he doth weave…
19. Willard Fucking Yoder. When I saw the all the tweeting and hashtag games this week about Amish sexting, I figured it had to be some kind of a leg-pull, or maybe a last-ditch effort to squeeze more laffs out of Weinergate. It wasn’t. It was in response to an actual Amish pervert, resorting to some very un-Amish technology in his hopes of luring a 12-year-old girl into his buggy to have sex with him. And we wonder why the Amish traditionally shun all that newfangled stuff?
20. Howard Fucking Jacobson. Alice Walker shouldn’t join the Freedom Flotilla because she’s some kind of Don Quixote? Gaza is under siege only because of Hamas? Hamas is evil because it allegedly represents the will of all Palestinians to wipe out Israel? Way to obscure the fact that the real reason for the Gaza blockade is to starve out all the remaining Palestinians (hence all the anger, and the rather ineffective missiles), there and in the West Bank, so nothing will stand in the way of Israel’s expansionist goals. (Golan Heights, you’re next.) And one Israeli child really is worth a thousand Palestinians, so that makes Alice Walker wrong! Oh, won’t somebody think of all those poor, oppressed Israeli children?
(Who, to be fair, probably have no idea about how they’re being used by their government as a provocation in this picture. Oy, vey.)
Look, Howie…if you’re gonna prate about “good people do[ing] great harm”, how about attacking NATO’s “humanitarian intervention” in Libya, which is killing civilians and calling that Collateral Damage™? Or maybe you could take on the remarkable silence of all those benevolent westerners on the bizarre state of Saudi Arabia, where women are still forbidden to drive in the cities, but which is, strangely, NOT considered a threat to Israel? Or how The Only Democracy In The Middle East™ (heh — not for much longer!) is a de facto apartheid state whose army has no compunctions about firing on anyone who sticks up for Palestinians, as well as lobbing white phosphorus indiscriminately over Gaza City and launching pirate raids on peaceful flotillas. How about THAT? Too big of a stretch for your great, broad mind?
21. Stephen Fucking Harper. How did he spend Québec’s biggest holiday yesterday? By whooping it up in Thetford Mines, the town that asbestos built. Yep, asbestos…the stuff Harpo won’t allow in his house because it would destroy his, his wife’s, the kids’ and the cats’ lungs…but it’s good enough to export to foreign countries, where all those peons live that Stevie doesn’t have to see coughing their lungs out. And yeah, why not just go piss on the heads of all Québécois, while you’re at it? At this rate, you can quit wondering why the Conservative party is all but shut out there, and will be for decades to come. (And don’t be too surprised if the MP for Thetford Mines loses his seat in the next election, either.)
22. Conrad Fucking Black. Back to jail you go, Lord Blah-Blah. As much as it may cause poor Babs to clutch her pearls and stagger to the fainting couch (literally!), it’s right where you belong. And this time, no more getting other inmates to do your work for you. This isn’t Hollinger Inc., you know.
23. Lisa Fucking Raitt. No, the Conservative party is NOT “here for all Canadians”, you twit — it is only here for the same very small minority that it has always served, the extremely rich. And no one else, delusional sheeple be damned. But thanks for the biggest belly-laugh I’ve had since this godforsaken postal lockout began!
24. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth. I just love listening to this charlatan making a fool of himself over Venezuela, don’t you? Telling the White House not to buy oil from there…yeah, right. Why boycott what you can launch a coup to steal, eh, CONnie? But don’t worry. Anything you do to hurt Venezuela will only end up backfiring on you. The Venezuelan people will fight back against any putsch you try to launch. And as for the oil, whatever the US doesn’t buy, other countries will be only too happy to take in their stead. Countries as economically powerful as India, China and Japan, among others. And let’s not forget that Venezuelan oil buys a lot of good Cuban doctors, who might just end up helping Ollanta when he takes the reins in Peru. Which will only make Chavecito more popular in the region than he already is — and I can guarantee that he is way better loved throughout the region than any piddling politician from Florida ever will be.
25. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. And whoever else is responsible for this sad, sad video fraud, in which a young, nerdy, ostensibly gay Henry Kissinger lookalike calling himself “Marc” gives his sob story of being prevented from joining an unnamed pro-Palestinian group in England that turns out not only to be homophobic, but to have ties to…gasp…HAMAS!!! Only, with all those cute camera angles and slick production values, it’s obviously no impulsive homemade cri du coeur; it’s pure Israeli government crapaganda, through and through. Another dead giveaway: He only has one video on his entire Youtube channel, dated very recently, no doubt to coincide with the sailing of the Freedom Flotilla for Gaza in the hopes that it will go viral. Oh, it’s gonna go viral all right…and so will the denunciations, particularly from pro-Palestinian gay rights groups, who know pinkwashing when they see it. Hasbara FAIL!
PS: Special belated dishonorable mention goes to Bibi’s son, Yair Fucking Netanyahu. The rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, clearly.
26. Bryan Fucking Fischer. How delusional is the homophobic Religious Reich? THIS delusional:
Don’t bother trying to visit that link, kiddies. It’s dead already; was probably withdrawn last night in a fit of intense embarrassment. Meanwhile, LGBT New Yorkers all over the state are still partying (and making their wedding plans) since yesterday midnight. And why not?
27. Matthew Fucking Carter. And on the flipside of conservatism and homophobia, what do you bet that this long-time serial sexual abuser of Haitian boys is one of Fischer’s ilk? It’s how they manage to fly below the radar for as long as they do.
28. David Fucking Prosser. Yes, you’ve seen his name here before; this right-wing judge from Wisconsin, the state with a chronic wanker for governor (not for much longer, I hope), is a chronic wanker himself. He hates women, especially if they are liberal/progressive jurists. His latest? Grabbing an opposing judge, a woman, by the neck during an argument. In HER chambers. With both hands. Um, isn’t that attempted murder, yerronner? At the very least, it should be grounds for his removal, since a judge with obvious gender biases, who can’t hold his temper in check, can’t be trusted to render a proper verdict or sentence, either.
29. Bill Fucking Blair. No apology for the fascist piggery from Toronto’s chief of police on the anniversary of last year’s G20 shitstorm? Not even in the face of all the lives you ruined? I would say I’m disappointed, but that would be a lie. I expected nothing resembling honesty or contrition from the stormtrooper at the head of the shit. 21,000 cops brought in just for the purpose of cracking “anarchist” heads (i.e., those of the general public when they dared to protest a massive boondoggle), and we’re expecting them to investigate themselves properly? And they’re expecting us to BELIEVE what they say? I don’t know which is more depressingly hilarious.
30. Rob Fucking Ford. “Family tradition”? Whatsamatter, Frodster, are you afraid you’ll catch the gay if you attend any Pride Week events? Don’t worry. It’s only inborn, not contagious. I have a lot of gay friends, but I have yet to turn bisexual, much less lesbian. And if you don’t want to serve the public on Canada Day, I’m sure someone else will be only too happy to do it instead. PS: This is just disgusting. Who turns down free money for public health initiatives? Oh, I see…more Frodian homophobia and anti-immigrant bigotry at work. And we have only to take one look at his pork-barrel frame to see just how he feels about anything to do with health. What a fucking embarrassment to Toronto, which is only the most diverse city on the planet!
UGH. I can see nothing’s changed since then. Here’s looking forward to post-Fordism, eh?
And finally, to all the Israel-über-alles hasbaratniks out there, sharpening your trollish claws for me just because I support the Freedom Flotilla and the human rights of Palestinians. I haven’t made up my mind yet whether to allow you to comment freely here (in the spirit of giving you enough rope, so you can hang yourselves), giving you the customary three strikes (after which you’re out), or just deleting your vile comments as they come. Fair warning: Don’t expect to see any of your comments published unless I feel like having some anti-fascist fun at your expense. The best move you could make around here is to skulk off in silence.
Good night, and get fucked!