Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about the week that was? Full of natural disasters, from those storms in Southern Ontario, to Hurricane Irene, to that earthquake on the East Coast (which all the wags are now calling Obama’s Fault). And human tragedy, too, in the loss of the great Jack Layton up here. If you ever wanted proof of how very much of life is beyond our control, this week was rife with it. And if you ever want to know just how out-of-control basic human stupidity is, look no further than this collection of earth-shattering wankers, in no particular order…
1. Malusi Fucking Gigaba. Talk about missing the point! SlutWalk doesn’t actually mean that those walking really are, you know, sluts. What it means is that no woman is fair game for rape, no matter what she looks like or what she does for a living. But were we expecting him to grasp it? Hardly. We’re talking about South Africa, one of the worst places in the world to be a woman, where rape is so rampant that someone actually invented a nasty device to give women the next closest thing to a vagina dentata. (You may be forgiven for saying that it doesn’t actually prevent rape, since a creep still has to penetrate a woman in order to become the unfortunate victim of it. Desperate times, etc.) Anyhow: Yeah, dude, I hope you get lucky at the SlutWalk too. And by lucky, I mean kneed in the ‘nads.
2. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. Hey, yer popiness, ever get the feeling that God might be offended when you slander one of Her finest creations — gay people? No? Well, now you have.
3. Kyle Fucking Pearce. This one is, by definition, a wanker…and a joiner of the Mile-High Solo Flyers’ Club. I get the feeling he’s gonna be flying solo a lot more from now on. But, I hope, NOT on any commercial airline. The last thing a cooped-up air passenger needs to see is another one, drunk as a lord, whacking off right next to them. And messing the seats with the inevitable results of said activity.
4. Dave Fucking Naylor. Why?
That’s why. The late Jack Layton is no longer here to defend himself against these lewd accusations, which surfaced during the last election, right when it looked as though the NDP was poised for a much bigger seat count than they ended up getting. Does anyone suppose his widow, the very classy Olivia Chow, has the stomach to relive it all right now? PS: Your subsequent conduct isn’t a whole lot better, Dave. PPS: Neither is this.
5. Christie Fucking Blatchford. See above, and add extra bile to your vomit. She calls the media’s very unbiased, levelheaded coverage of Jack Layton’s death “mawkish”, “vainglorious” and, oh yeah, “partisan”. But then again, who is she to talk? Atrocious, goopy writing is her stock in trade. And she certainly has no difficulty making a right-wing cause out of everything that isn’t and should never be. In short, she’s the pot calling the kettle mawkish, vainglorious and partisan. And people wonder why I despise right-wing “journalists” so much? It’s because they are fucking VULTURES, people. Crusty Christie never met a corpse she couldn’t feed on, rolling her eyes with sickly pleasure; the more gore that’s spattered around it, the merrier she gets. And when she has gorged her fill of carrion, she waddles off, cackling all the way to the bank.
6. David Fucking Cameron. So, the slaughter of Libya was a “necessary atrocity”? Oh yeah, that’s right…it’s so BP can have even more oil and never pay fair price to the country it’s sucking it out of. I know one so-called human being who is shaping up more and more to be an UNnecessary atrocity.
7. Donna Fucking Saber. Not only is it none of her business whom any of the brides she sells to is actually marrying, it isn’t her business to tell them that it’s wrong for there to be two brides. And especially not to lay the guilt trip on a nice Jewish girl, who after all didn’t choose to be gay. But then, bigotry IS a choice, so I can see how easy it was for this wanker to make just such a mistake.
8. Bob Fucking Katter. No gay people in North Queensland, eh? Bob, your lovely, charming, gay brother Carl would like a word with you. And this straight woman from a land where same-sex marriage is fully legal is puzzled as to how allowing two men or two women to marry would be, as you call it, “meddling” with marriage. My own long-married parents haven’t suddenly gone kaputt as a result of the sudden supposed meaninglessness of THEIR legal union. But if yours has lost its meaning as a result of some minority’s demands for equal rights, I suggest you go see a counselor. And stop meddling in the love-lives of the gays, already.
9. David Fucking Axelrod. Leave it to Michael Moore to diagnose precisely what’s ailing the Democratic Party of the United States today…and leave it to one of their leading “bipartisan” hacks to absolutely NOT get it. The “professional left” is right, Dave — Barack Obama IS alienating Democratic voters by trying to woo a bunch of extremist Repugs who would never vote for a black man anyway. (And if you don’t believe me, try counting up the number of black Republicans in the US House and Senate. You won’t need many fingers.) It may be tempting to think you can afford to alienate the Democratic wing of the Democratic party, but it’s worth pointing out that the Repugs have regrouped…and they are even more repugnant now than they were under Dubya. The teabags have literally hijacked the Republican party. Anyone wanna woo that?
10. Jonathan Fucking Kay. See #5 and add heavy lesbianism. Yeah, he’s totally gay for the partisan, vainglorious goop-writer, Bleah-tchford. Perfectly par for the odious course at the National Pest — or, as it perhaps should be known from now on, the National Vultures’ Nest.
11. John Fucking Podhoretz. When you don’t have dick, just call your opponents cocksuckers. Yeah, that’s class; that’s neoconservatism.
12. and 13. Jim Fucking Hoft and Matt Fucking Drudge. There are plenty of legitimate things to criticize Barack Obama about (such as, say, his shameless “bipartisan” catering to the right, or his overt corporatism, which essentially amounts to the same thing), but it figures that neither of these corporatist wingnut hacks cares about little things like that. No, for them it’s all about the fact that His Barackness didn’t have the power to stop a motherfucking earthquake. And they say the left considers Obama a messiah?
14. Rick Fucking Perry, AGAIN. Last week I noted that his God is a bunch of banksters, and this week he confirms it, hilariously. The bad economy is a “lesson from God! As one of my commenters last week says, “Goldman Sachs’ CEO said in testimony to the US Senate that he was doing God’s work. Goldman Sachs helped crash the economy in ’08. Therefore, God and His work crashed the economy. If God did crash the economy, but He passed over the Venezuelan economy, maybe He is sending us a message…” Yes, and it’s this: God is a socialist (see the preachings of Jesus himself for the evidence), and She loves Venezuela.
15. Joe Fucking Warmington. I suppose that being an opportunistic slimeball is par for the course at the Toronto Sun (Wanker #5′s old stomping ground, and where she cut her fangs), but still, really…questioning Jack Layton’s state funeral as leader of the Opposition? It is simply disgusting and beneath contempt. When even the usual geek chorus of right-wing anti-tax squealers won’t touch this one, you ought to KNOW that your opinion is best kept to yourself, and not used as a cheap way to attract eyeballs and sell your shitty right-wing rag. Meanwhile, for those who seriously wonder if a state funeral is appropriate for a sitting leader of the Loyal Opposition, I say, why not? Former Prime Minister Sir Wilfrid Laurier got one, also having died as leader of the Opposition. If a member of Parliament with as controversial a past as Thomas D’Arcy McGee merited one, then the uncontroversial and enormously popular Jack Layton, also an MP (and a Prime Minister in waiting), should get one too — no questions asked.
16. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Supporting a Glenn Fucking Beck rally in Israel? Glenn Fucking BECK???
17. Oh yeah, that reminds me: Glenn Fucking Beck, people. Glenn Fucking Beck.
PS: Ha, ha. PPS: No, Hurricane Irene is NOT a blessing. Especially not to those who are gullible enough to spend a fortune on Biff’s expensive and totally fucking unnecessary food insurance. Socialism is by far the best disaster preparedness plan there is; just ask Cuba. No food insurance, but food enough for all, thanks to Fidel & Co.’s making sure that no one has too much…OR too little.
18. Alan Fucking Greenspan. Finally, FINALLY, he in effect admits the terrible truth: that he knows nothing about the US economy. And just think, this is a man to whom said economy was once entrusted. Its subsequent performance speaks for itself, no?
19. Barbara Fucking Kay. Yet another right-wing nutjob whom no one will mourn derides the state funeral for a man whom all decent people do. Never mind that the Prime Minister, despite partisan differences, offered it, as protocol permits him to do (and which, I must say, was damn decent of him). There appears to be some kind of obscene little bandwagon making the rounds of the Canadian “journalistic” far-right: Let’s all trash Jack Layton’s corpse under the guise of “media criticism”. Never mind that we ARE the media, and we ARE trash. From the heart of my bottom, Babs, to you and all of yours: Fuck you. Fuck you VERY much.
20. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Getting away with an obvious rape is disgusting enough, but calling the past few months, a time you spent for the most part holed up in a very luxurious rented place in the toniest part of New York, a “nightmare”? This makes me wish he’d spent all that time and then some at Riker’s Island, where by rights he should have remained, nervously looking over his shoulder and careful not to drop the soap. But then again, the rich are not like the rest of us, as Fitzgerald said. One has only to look at what they get away with, and the style in which they get away with it, to know that.
21. Jennifer Fucking Delany. Imagine having racial prejudices, a Republican politico for a husband, and the gall to tell Carl Lewis, track star, Olympic gold medalist and political hopeful, that he knows nothing about politics. Oh, and accusing him of spamming, and stealing her e-mail address. Sure must suck to be YOU, Jennifer!
22. Ron Fucking Paul. He can join Glenn Fucking Beck in the don’t-know-shit-about-disaster-preparedness category. What’s scary is that some people actually think he’s some kind of fucking messiah. To dinosaurs, maybe, but modern man? No. FEMA may have suffered under Dubya, but it now has a chance to learn from past mistakes and do the right thing. Something old conservatives NEVER do. Especially not those who want the world to be as it was in the days before there was a national weather service to forewarn people — and keep thousands from being killed by severe storms as they were in the “good” old days. Bet he forgot how many people were killed by a hurricane in his home district of Galveston in 1900, that golden age of disaster preparedness!
23. and 24. Ezra Fucking Levant and Michael Fucking Coren. Two more rightards whom no one will mourn are taking pot-shots at a man who can’t fight back, and at Canada for loving him. Envious much? PS: Oh noes, they’re victims! Oh, give us a fucking break! Picking on a dead man doesn’t make you a victim, much less a “potential martyr” — it makes you a cowardly fucking BULLY, dickweed!
25. Mark Fucking Bonokoski. Mark Who? Yeah, my reaction too. Never heard of the mangy little fucker before, and never hope to hear of him again. He deserves to sink right back into the obscurity from whence his sorry opportunistic ass came. But hey, if so much of the right-wing is angry and jealous over Jack Layton, and resorting to stupid sniping to show it, it only means he’s having more of an impact dead than they are having while still undeservingly alive. So, Mark? Ha, fucking ha — at YOUR expense.
26. William Lawrence Fucking Cassidy. “Freedom of speech” does NOT mean “freedom to troll”, any more than it means “freedom to commit fraud”. And “Long limb, sharp saw, hard drop” is NOT a fucking haiku. If you want to know how to write a real one, read this — and leave your cowardly death threats the hell out of it.
27. Eugene Fucking Volokh, same link, for defending this asshat with a lame analogy. In what way is the public good served by letting a homicidal maniac with a lengthy prior criminal record harass and threaten an innocent woman on the tweeter? And exactly what is such bullshit supposed to do for freedom of speech in the abstract, never mind the concrete? If some shithead with a street-corner pulpit specifically harasses me, in public, I have the right to use MY free speech to denounce the fucker as a criminal. And if you tell me I don’t, then you are violating MY freedom of speech.
And finally, to all those who are talking shit about Jack Layton, under the pretext of criticizing media coverage of his death, his funeral, his legacy, his family. A more graceless and inhuman band of necrophiliac vultures could not exist. But then again, these are the people whose lives haven’t amounted to shit so far, and never will. It stands to reason that they are all jealous of the good he did and the love he earned; why else snipe at a popular dead man? (If I missed any of them above, dear readers, let me know in the comments slot below, and consider them duly added to the list. Thanks.)
Good night, and get fucked!