Wankers of the Week: Crass Warfare

Crappy weekend, everyone! Wall Street is still occupied, and it looks like that golden calf is definitely ripe for the slaughter. The protesters are there to stay, much to the chagrin of the fuckers within. Well, thank heaven for those stupid old flag-desecrating geezers who mistake capitalism for patriotism (not realizing that it’s out to take away their old-age pensions, their Medicare scooters, etc., etc.) How it must warm the cockles of those stockbrokers. I haven’t seen one jumping yet, more’s the pity. But if any of them do, I hope they land on one of these wanks and take ’em out. In no particular order…

1. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. “A moral error”, he calls it. “It” being RAPE. Why do I get the feeling the only real error he committed was not getting out of Dodge fast enough? And get a load of his strange notion of “consent” — apparently, it’s something on the order of “She was there, she didn’t get out fast enough, therefore she must have wanted it!” By THAT logic, he must have wanted to get caught by the New York police. PS: The reviews are in. Damage control BACKFIRED.

2. Linda Fucking Harvey. She thinks there’s no such thing as LGBT people? Guess this nonexistent young man got beaten up over nothing, then. And this other nonexistent one killed himself over being bullied about nothing.

3. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. How many death threats does this drunken motherfucker have to utter before he’s finally hauled off to the Big House? Or until a “fan” (who will, no doubt, be characterized in the media as a “lone wolf”) goes on a shooting rampage in a Starbucks somewhere? Does anyone WANT to keep count?

4. Shane Fucking Webber. Worst boyfriend ebber? Well, he’s certainly a candidate. And just think, ladies, he’s single!…AGAIN.

5. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Congratulations, bitch. You just singlehandedly set back preventive medicine by about 20 years with your stupidity alone. I normally wouldn’t wish cervical cancer on anyone, but I’ll cheerfully make an exception for YOU. PS: What’s up with the fake eyelashes? Do you need something extra to bat at the camera, to distract people from your utter cluelessness? Jayzus.

6. Fauzi Fucking Bowo. Meet Indonesia’s answer to Officer Slutty; he prompted a local SlutWalk spinoff by blaming miniskirts for rape. Meanwhile, in other “sluts”-vs.-cops news, the woman the slutty-minded governor blamed for her own rape caught the bastard in traffic, recognizing his vehicle. She set out to do it because no one else would. Never mind the cops, in other words; just call the WOMEN.

7. and 8. Gillian Fucking Michaels and Ann Fucking Coulter. Who’s the more ignorant — the Biggest Loser, or the Coultergeist? Both need educating on the issue of clothing and rape. Because they both Do. NOT. Get. It. (Also, they both routinely dress like sluts just to say dumb, “provocative” shit on TV. That’s another thing they don’t get: the irony of their positions.)

9. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Executing an innocent man (i.e. Troy Davis) is “not unconstitutional”? Funny, but I seem to recall that there is at least one US constitutional amendment saying otherwise. But then again, maybe Hizzoner is referring to the old rule that a black man is only worth 3/5 of a white one, and that therefore, seven out of nine witnesses recanting their testimony against an innocent man CAN be wrong, and that therefore, a lynching can legitimately be wrapped in judicial robes. See how that works?

10. Juan Fucking Aguirre. In a sign of the desperate times, he stole six empty porn DVD cases from a sex shop display. When he wanks, he’ll shoot blanks…

11. Ed Fucking Kowalski. Tony Bennett has nothing to apologize for. His remarks about 9-11, on the contrary, are quite correct. If you don’t want to be the victim of terrorism, STOP FUCKING DOING IT YOURSELF.

12. Keith Fucking Ablow. Somebody please revoke his MD and his licence. This “doctor” has the worst understanding of transgenderism EVER. It’s not contagious, and you can’t get hooked on it simply by being exposed to a transgendered individual. I shudder to think how many “concerned” parents out there are hooked on this fact-free twaddle. Ablow is a professional blowhard, nothing more or less. But hey: At least he acknowledges that Chaz Bono is a man, and has not called him a “chick with a dick”, as others have done.

13. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Delusions of grandeur, much? You misoverestimate your power greatly, sir…unless you’re talking about the power to make us snicker at you, in which case you may be right.

14. Tim Fucking Hudak. The phrase “voodoo economics” just doesn’t seem right, somehow…mainly because voodoo actually makes sense, and works better than his economics do.

15. Gilbert Fucking Deya. The only “miracle” about the babies this preacher doled out to infertile couples is how he got away with child theft for so damn long. I guess it helps if you steal them in Africa, then import them to the UK.

16. Rick Fucking Santorum. Actions have consequences, and one of the consequences of bigotry is ridicule. Suck it up, Icky Ricky. And next time, think before you open your mouth. Because what goes out, must come in.

17. Paul Fucking Stam. Better watch your closet door, pal…would be a shame if a luggage lifter were to fall out, no? But then again, he’s probably just a “thing” to you.

18. Dan Fucking Gordon. Of course the law doesn’t apply to anti-gay right-wing lawmakers. IOKIYAR, bitches! Only, alas…it does. The question is, how does a man with a rap sheet as long as his arm manage to get his sorry ass elected? Oh yeah…I forgot. IOKIYAR, bitches!

19. Pamela Fucking Geller. A fucking savage. That is all.

20. Peter Fucking MacKay. Talk about entitled! Newfoundland/Labrador has only three search-and-rescue helicopters available, and is located on the ocean, right near the busiest and most disaster-prone shipping lanes. And what does HE do? Commandeers one to ferry him home from a vacation spot. That’s a $16,000 private shuttle trip. And this is the Harper Government™, which prides itself on Fiscal Conservatism™ to the tune of $20 million consultants to help them “save money”? I have a terrific idea for how to trim at least $20 million from the budget, plus the salary of at least one spoiled-brat Conservative MP. But I doubt if Harpo has the guts to do THAT, much less the brains. PS: Being minister of national defence has perks beyond SAR helos, I see. Either that, or Nova Scotian lobster is too tempting for words. Like I said: ENTITLED.

21. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Make that TWO spoiled-brat Conservatives. And no brains there, either. Why pick up a pencil and do your homework when you can pay a private company like Deloitte $90,000 a day, untendered, to fuck the public sector over and cut public services that Canadians need?

22. Ezra Fucking Levant. He whines “Where are the feminists” over the (imagined) Saudi silencing of his fraudulent “Ethical Oil” ads on CTV? Well, this feminist would like to know what’s so fucking ethical about profiteering, pollution, dispossession of the indigenous, global warming, and the use of stolen and falsified photos in your “ethical oil” campaign. And Ezra? Where are you on the issue of indigenous women and girls being kidnapped, prostituted and killed, right here on your own beloved “ethical oil” soil? Are those crickets I suddenly hear? Why yes, they ARE!

23. Rob Fucking Ford. Looks like his private-sector gravy train was derailed…by people power. That’ll teach you to fuck with the citizenry, Robbo. You were only first past the post, and a majority of Torontonians did NOT vote for you, much less a Ford dynasty/dictatorship according to Harpo’s “hat trick” video, the same he’s now trying desperately to suppress (and with no success.) The public is onto you. Good luck trying to ram anything through over THAT.

24. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Can’t that fucking harpy shut her bitch face for just one night, out of respect for the innocent dead? Nope…she just HAD to take a swipe at Alec Baldwin over the corpse of Troy Davis. She is not only an idiotic attention harlot, she’s a fucking ghoul. And she will stop at nothing to score what she thinks are ideological points, but which are in fact nothing but own goals.

25. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Scared of a woman telling the truth, Pigman? You should be. Nice projection you got going there, too. How many students’ tuition would it take to pay YOUR bloated salary? By any reckoning your pay packet is utterly undeserved, since you couldn’t tell a nickel’s worth of truth.

26. Mark Fucking Davidson. If you’re going to posit yourself as some kind of social media guru, it might be worth your while to write your own tweets. Just sayin’.

27. Levi Fucking Johnston. Srsly, dude, get over y’self. She’s only Sarah Fucking Palin, and you’re not God’s Gift, either. She didn’t have a “cougar crush” on you, she just flirts with everything that has a penis. She will literally do anything for attention. It’s nothing personal!

28. Bristol Fucking Palin. Stay classy, Miss Gaybasher.

29. Albert Fucking Mohler. Black is white, wrong is right, day is night, and the death penalty is “pro-life”. This is what a Ph.D. in theology from a Southern Baptist seminary gets you, kiddies. It’s actually a doctorate of fuck-all, with a major in doublethink and a minor in Newspeak. And it doesn’t even begin to address the sinfulness of putting an innocent man to death over a yet-unsolved police murder, either.

30. Wayne LaFucking Pierre. Speaking of blackwhite, wrongright, daynight, etc., guess what The Peter’s latest NRA lunacy is? Declaring the non-banning of guns to be an evil gun-grabbing conspiracy of the left. Once more through the Looking Glass, my friends!

31. and 32. Peter LaFucking Barbera and Janet Fucking Mefferd. One wishes these two homophobic idiots would just get a room and quit sodomizing our ears with their mental masturbations. Would it scandalize them to know that straight people do all the same things gay people do in bed, and have been since time out of mind? And that straight people are probably doing them more than gays, because there are nine straights for every single gay? Oh, probably. Because they’re both woefully ignorant about sex, for all they obsess over it.

And finally, Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Facebook is getting worse and worse, but undoubtedly he sees it as an improvement, since his pocketbook will, in theory, be fatter. That is, of course, if there are more eyeballs on all those obnoxious Facebook ads. (I recommend Better Facebook, it gets rid of those. And lots of other stupid Facebook shit, too.) But there’s a groundswell of alienated users out there (i.e., ALL of ’em), and they’re looking for ways out. And since Google+ is now public, they’ve got one. There are others waiting in the wings, too: Diaspora, AnonPlus, etc. And just to throw a real crimp in Fuckerberg’s master plan to take over the entire Internets by out-googling Google, out-twittering Twitter, and out-who-knows-what-elsing who-knows-who-else, there are some folks at Anonymous who plan to hold a real bonfire on Guy Fawkes Day. I won’t be missing a thing that day, since I can’t find a fucking thing on Facebook anymore anyway. Other than annoyance and privacy invasion and broken Java scripts, which were all there BEFORE the latest rollouts, and which have all been left unfixed, natch. Until this week, I never felt like actually taking my aluminum baseball bat and sodomizing somebody with it, but Fuckerberg’s name is written all over that fat bastard now. And I get the strangest feeling I’m not alone in feeling that way.

Good night, and get fucked!