Beware that “haunted house”. And “Jesus Ween”, too.

Christ, what is it with the Religious Reich? Bad enough that they had to steal all our Old Religion holidays out from under us and try to turn them into things they are not. Now they’re relying on them as a source of crapaganda, with heavy overtones of gore-porn:

PASADENA, TX (KTRK) — A local church is using a haunted house to get what it says is an important message across. A local mother says her children not only heard the message, but they saw it as well — and she is not happy about it.

Linda Ybarra says she bought tickets to Hell House in Pasadena for her family this weekend. She didn’t expect that her son would see graphic scenes about going to Hell if they didn’t accept Jesus as their savior.

Ybarra says she and her 14-year-old son thought they’d get a good scare this Halloween at the haunted house, and she expected “the usual Halloween things. You know, zombies and ghouls and goblins. That kind of thing.”

But the horror fan says the experience her family got inside the haunted house left her feeling violated. She says she is upset that — under the guise of an ordinary haunted house — serious moral issues were raised that she has not yet had the chance to discuss with her child.

“There was a young lady lying on a gurney, and two nurses. And one of the nurses was reaching into the lady and pulling out a bunch of gunk, and throwing it on the floor,” Ybarra said, describing an abortion scene at the haunted house.

Ybarra says the actors were depicting far too realistic scenes about abortion, suicide and other sins. She says the Hell House flier’s warning about violent content was too vague for what patrons are walking into.

Um, nurses “reaching into the lady and pulling out a bunch of gunk, and throwing it on the floor” is NOT a realistic portrayal of what goes on during an abortion. Not even remotely. Do the organizers of this “Hell House” not realize that Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie?

Apparently not.

Pastor Lamont Melrose says this haunted house isn’t about scaring people with the idea of fake ghosts.

“The material we are using to scare people is reality,” Melrose said. “We want to give people the horror of what it is to go through an abortion. We want to give people the horror of what it is to deal with a rebellious son that commits suicide.”

Melrose explained that patrons aren’t allowed to turn back because of safety concerns in the small, dark space.

He says the mission of Hell House is to lure people to Jesus by the end of the show.

Fishers-of-men FAIL.

I think there needs to be a new Halloween awareness campaign. Not just a “beware of tampered candy/razor blades in apples” type thing, but “Beware of anything called a Hell House/run by fundamentalist preachers” type thing.

And on that note, kiddies, beware of Jesus Ween.

This Halloween, a Calgary-based Christian organization is asking Toronto households to respond to trick-or-treaters with a simple phrase: Jesus Loves You.

JesusWeen, a non-profit founded in 2002, promotes the distribution of Bibles and other religious paraphernalia to trick-or-treaters. The movement doesn’t intend to deprive children of sweets, but wants parents to also consider doling out Jesus-themed postcards and pamphlets.

The initiative is an “alternative for anyone who chooses not to celebrate Halloween, and especially for most Christians,” according to the JesusWeen website.

For the past few weeks, Toronto organizers have been petitioning churches and canvassing at local shopping centres. Roughly 500 area churches have been made aware of the program, said John Crowne of JesusWeen’s Toronto office. Other grassroots marketers have posted flyers in grocery stores and on car windshields.

The website states that 2011 efforts are focused on Toronto, Calgary and Edmonton.

JesusWeen also encourages participants to forego “evil”-looking costumes in favour of all-white attire.

I don’t know about you, kiddies, but just seeing that name makes me want to shout the praises of the Holy Cock.

Gimme dat ol’-time religion…and join me in a chorus of “What a Friend We Have in Venus”, won’t you?

Music for a Sunday: Anyone here know how to Madison?

Posted in Morticia! You Spoke French!, Music for a Sunday. Comments Off »

Wankers of the Week: Happy Hell-o-ween!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How are we enjoying this week from Hell? And Halloween is just around the corner, and with it, one may deduce, a zombie apocalypse. Between these people and the zombies, I know which ones I’d pick to hang out with…how ’bout you?

1. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Well, that was nice of him, explaining what “bunga bunga” really means. Means dancing. Nekkid, horizontal hokey-pokey dancing. We all know how that one goes, so no need for him to demonstrate the steps. Although I’m sure the old slutbucket is dying to.

2. and 3. Pamela Fucking Geller and Robert Fucking Spencer, AGAIN. Rejected, AGAIN! Is this the beginning of a hopeful new pattern? Let us pray. And yeah, Pam, please do work yourself into a “sharia-compliant” hernia about it. Bust a fucking blood vessel, girl!

4. Rick Fucking Perry. It doesn’t matter if His Barackness released his long-form birth certificate MONTHS ago…Gubnor Goodhair is still a birther lunatic. Kind of hard to posit oneself as a leader when one is so far behind the times, no?

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5. and 6. Robert and Diane Fucking Maresca. No, you do NOT get to trademark “Occupy Wall St.” and make money from it. Especially if you’re not actually participating in a demo, and clearly not opposed to the very problem you’re trying to make hay from. Plus, the name is already public domain, so no, you don’t get to privatize it. Does the irony of your bullshit completely elude you two fucking spongers?

7. Michael Fucking Lohan. Speaking of fucking spongers, how about this one? He’s famous for being the father of a young woman who, by now, is largely famous for nothing. Which makes him famous for nothing, too. And once more, his name is in the news, and you can bet your worn-out bottom dollar that he will try to capitalize richly, yet again, on all that fucking famous-for-nothing-ness. And in consequence, he thinks he’s entitled to BJs just any old fucking time, too. Because he’s Michael Fucking Lohan, bitches, and he’s famous for NOTHING! PS: Dr. Drew, FUCK YOU. Victim-blaming is unprofessional, to say the least.

8. Mark Fucking Block. Is it just me, or does he remind you of Cancer Man, too? Either way, what a shock — he IS a cancer. Of the body politic. Just like his employer, Herman Fucking “Wash Away the Gay” Cain.

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9. Rob Fucking Ford. Finally, it can be revealed: The boorish, loudmouthed redneck who by some malign fluke landed in the mayoralty of Toronto…is a big fat fucking wuss. And he doesn’t even know Marg Delahunty when he sees her…in clear daylight, for that matter. How fucking pathetic is that? PS: It gets wankier. Look, Robbo — no one cares if you’re the Fucking Mayor of Toronto or the Lord Mayor of London. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SPECIAL TREATMENT. Especially not for a nuisance call to 9-1-1, which I hope they charge you for. If you’ve really had death threats, why don’t you fucking hire bodyguards? It’s not as if you couldn’t afford to, you fucking cheapskate.

10. Linda Fucking Harvey. No, Teh Ghey isn’t contagious. But Teh Stoopid IS. Parents, turn off your radio if she comes on. Otherwise, you and your kids both will find your IQs slowly leaking out your anuses.

11. Ron Fucking Paul. Gee, Ron, for a so-called libertarian, you sure have strange notions of liberty. How is restricting women’s choices a “liberty”, again? And are you really prepared to see entire maternity wards clogged, not with new mothers, but with women dying of back-alley abortions gone wrong, as it was before Roe v. Wade? What kind of doctor does that make you, and how fucking “pro-life” is THAT?

12. Evan Coyne Fucking Maloney. Right-wing blogtard tried to frame Zuccotti Park protesters as a bunch of potheads. Joke’s on HIM, though…HE’s the one who bought the drug paraphernalia, for which he got no takers. Ha, ha, fucking HA.

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13. Samm Fucking Tittle. What is it with all these racist fucking white Repugs who just can’t bring themselves to say BLACK? Herman Cain is not a white man with a “nice tan”, he’s BLACK. And maybe, just maybe, the fact that this obscure candidate for the Repug leadership is kicking off her campaign in the most racist state of all — Mississippi — might have something to do with that bizarre bit of euphemism. And no, being Hispanic (or claiming to be) doesn’t actually make you non-white. Especially if you don’t LOOK non-white.

14. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Talk about why LGBT History Month exists in the first place — it’s to educate ignorant redneck slobs of the Religious Reich like this one, who is so fucking stupid that he seriously believes Adolf Hitler was a gay prostitute (he wasn’t), that John Wayne Gacy was a pedophile (he wasn’t; none of his victims were prepubescent), and that both are shining examples of what the gay does to people (they’re not, because it doesn’t.) Hitler exterminated gays because he considered them to be degenerates and defectives, and he feared Ernst Röhm, the gay leader of the SA, as a potential rival. As for John Gacy, he was trying to kill the gay side of himself every time he lured a young man (who in all likelihood wasn’t gay) to his home and strangled him to death with his “rope trick”. In actual fact, Gacy had internalized the homophobia that religion tends to breed. Which is actually bad news for the Religious Reich, as it is implicated in many serial murders by virtue of the irrational hatreds it creates.

15. Maxime Fucking Bernier. How is it possible to consult a gun registry that has been destroyed by a band of weaselly ideological imbeciles? And if you’re really going to paint yourselves as tough on crime, shouldn’t you leave a crime-fighting tool around for the police to use, especially if it’s one they consult over a thousand times daily? How can you be tough on crime, in other words, and yet hobble the police? I don’t know, but maybe Harpo’s stupidest henchman does. I would suggest that you ask him, but he has a nasty habit of fucking off when asked such tough questions.

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16. Barclays Fucking Capital. Yes, an entire fucking firm. I hope you dumb bastards are prepared to lose a mint on your disgraceful bet against Chavecito’s life. Call yourselves respectable? Hell, I’ve seen backstreet bookies with more integrity than you fucking ghouls. FYI: Hugo Chávez is now cancer-free, and the quack who claimed he’s got two years to live has fled Venezuela in disgrace (NOT fear for his life). Moreover, a panel of doctors from the same hospital where he used to work went public to denounce him. Meanwhile, the “credible opposition” you tout are anything but, and Venezuelans know it. Are you people even embarrassed at your own gullibility? Or do you just figure all the money you take from other suckers should be more than enough to cover that?

17. Jean Fucking Quan. The fucking mayor of Oakland, California, calls the near-fatal shooting of a US Marine (and the subsequent flash-grenading of those trying to help him) a “peaceful resolution”? I call it an obscene fuckery, and I call her a delinquent piece of shit who should be run out of office for ordering it. Christ on a cracker. What the hell is it with fucked-up bully mayors this week? Between her and Rob Fucking Ford, there’s enough gratuitous brutality and buffoonery at City Hall for a fucking gore-porn movie. And Scott Olsen, who narrowly escaped death, is everybody’s brother now, thanks to a rubber bullet fired at his head by one of Quan’s goons. Way to fucking go, you corporatist sleaze queen.

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This is why the people are protesting, in case anyone needs a graphic reminder. The man holding the sign and photo is Jay C. Gentile, USMC. Now fighting real, live terrorists on the home front. Semper fidelis.

PS: No, we don’t fucking believe you. Actions speak louder, lady.

18. Linda Fucking Wall. Let’s get a few things straight here: An extended period of sexual molestation of a minor by an adult is NOT a “youthful mistake”. You are old enough to know what you’re doing, even if the victim isn’t. And if that minor happens to be of the same sex as yourself, that means you have no moral right whatsoever to preach against the evils of “being in homosexuality”, whatever the hell THAT is supposed to mean. Unless, of course, you happen to make your unreformed hypocritical self the topic of the sermon. I’m not exactly holding my breath for it.

19. Vic Fucking Toews. Three measly days is NOT fucking “generous”, you adulterous lying swinebag. We are talking here about a registry that fights crime and saves lives, and you want to shut down all public consultation in three days, and fast-track a shutdown that will, itself, be a MASSIVE waste of our tax dollars? Why so fucking draconian? Oh yeah, I know: YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, POPULAR. That’s why you have to rush through everything that the public voted AGAINST you for. You and your boss and all of his henchmen are about to learn the hard way what a majority government isn’t and does NOT entitle you to do. Just ask Brian Mulroney how he squandered his, because you’re all going down the same road. At this rate, your fucking party doesn’t deserve to become even a rump of its former self, like it was in the early 1990s. How soon you forget, eh?

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20. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Lying fucking bitch is fucking lying about her fucking ties (which are fucking EXTENSIVE) to the Fucking NRA. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, SupposiTories lie as easily as they draw breath.

21. Darren Fucking Huff. I shudder to think what a “Tranny Hunter” does with a gun and ammo, and a remote-controlled dildo. (I’m getting a really awful mental picture of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, the uncensored version, here. Mind bleach STAT!)

22. The Fucking Washington Post. Protesters are not only NOT “wearing out their welcome nationwide” (their numbers are, in fact, growing as I write), they are getting shot half dead, gassed, flash-grenaded, and pepper-sprayed on a daily basis. Yet how does the WaHoPo decide to illustrate this? With a cute widdle shot of a cop petting a smurgly-wurgly tabby kitty. Most adorable media fail EVER.

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23. Rick Fucking Santorum. Uh oh — Icky Ricky’s fetus fetish is acting up again. And this time it’s talking to him. Medic!

24. Justin Fucking Bieber. Kid, call off your attack poodles. The website you’re trying to shut down is actually on your side, even if you don’t seem to realize it.

25. Pat Fucking Robertson. Patwa, by now, has officially ceased to be an arbiter of anything even remotely Christian. He is a servant of Mammon, pure and simple. And his welcome on this Earth is long, LONG worn out.

26. Courtney Fucking Stodden. It’s getting harder and harder not to see her as a future porn star, isn’t it? And harder still not to see her entering rehab in a straitjacket shortly thereafter. The only thing that’s creepier than her so-called marriage is the fact that she’s actively catering to all the old pederasts out there with one yucky, phony shenanigan after another. And that she’s too out of it to realize what’s wrong with all that. Here’s a broad hint for ya, girl:

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Poor Courtney. So much for your delusion that it’s only jealous wives who want you to fuck the hell off.

PS: Yes, I’m aware that this is actually directed at Phoebe Fucking Price, who staged a pumpkin-patch atrocity of her own. But you must admit it applies equally well to You Know Who.

27. Terry Fucking Jones. Yay, another joke candidate for the Religious Reich! This makes how many? Anyone keeping track?

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28. and 29. Lou Fucking Engle and Rick Fucking Joyner. I pray for Jesus to invade THEIR dreams…and tell them to stop fucking using him as a weapon of religious persecution.

30. Crockett Fucking Keller. Hey, if you don’t WANT people taking your crappy handgun training course because you’re a bigoted fucking right-wing asshole, that’s fine. They’ll take their money and their feet to a more responsible and unprejudiced trainer, and you’ll be shit out of luck. That’s all!

31. Paul Fucking Wolfowitz. He’s WHAT? Still in existence? Still not in prison? And still being consulted by talking heads on TV? No. No. NO!!! Gettimthefuckouttahere!!!

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No caption required…

32. Christian Fucking Paradis. Yeah, keep reminding les Québécois why they didn’t vote for your party, you fucking schmuck. And keep reminding them of the Montréal Massacre, too, and why you Tories are fucking useless on crime (remember, it happened on Lyin’ Brian Mulroney’s watch). I hope they take the gun-registry data without your permission and RUN with it.

33. Leon Fucking Panetta, again. Who the fuck spends $10,000 on one measly bottle of wine? And, more to the point: WHO THE FUCKING HELL DRINKS $10,000 WINE TO CELEBRATE A DEATH, FERGAWDSAKES? PS: I hope you get vinegar. With a “huge nose of freshly sliced celery, mint, cedar, and cassis”, no less.

34. Salvador Fucking Navarrete. Having a president you never treated call you a liar sure must sting, eh? And when your former colleagues have to give a press conference denouncing you, ditto. No wonder you fucked off out of Venezuela. That shit should cost you your licence, and if you’d stuck around long enough to see the outcome, it would have.

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And finally, to the fucking law firm of Steven J. Fucking Baum. The New York Times calls them a “foreclosure mill”, which, coming from a corporate mouthpiece par excellence, should tell you all you need to know about these vile vultures. They apparently think it’s funny to make crude jokes at the expense of those they have thrown out of their homes. And at their corporate Halloween party, they really went all out to do just that.

So, in their “honor”, I’d like to share with you a little joke I heard years ago. I modified it slightly with the addition of a qualifier, so as not to offend the DECENT lawyers and law students among my friends:

Q. Why won’t sharks eat corporate lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy!

I hope to all the Gods that this bunch gets thrown to something rather worse than sharks, now that their little Halloween party fun has made the global headlines. I think you’ll agree that it would be nothing less than they deserve.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week. Comments Off »

Stupid Sex(ist) Tricks: How to smell like a pelotudo

Everybody in North America knows (or SHOULD know) that Axe Body Spray is the masking odor for (pre)adolescent male sexual insecurity, immaturity and general lack of appeal. It’s the sort of stuff that you want to avoid if you’re a guy, and avoid a guy who smells of it if you’re a gal. So when I saw this bit of badvertising on Gawker, I could only guffaw at what lies in store for poor, unsuspecting Argentina:

Gawker supplies the following translation, so I won’t bother with my own:

Last September 24th it was Boyfriend’s Day.

What does Axe have to say to boyfriends?

Hey, dude. There’s nothing to celebrate.

We know you want to be with all of them, except with the one you’re with.

That’s why we set up some secret installation in the men’s room,

And gave them 5 minutes of singledom.

Welcome to the Axe Strip Toilette.

This is just a way of reminding guys that they are “castrating themselves” [Ed. note: Down here when you say a guy is "castrated," it means he only does what his girlfriend/wife says.]

…limiting the power of the Axe effect to just one girl.”

Girl: What took you so long?
Guy: The restroom was a mess.
Girl: Oh, sorry to hear that.

A commenter adds even more elucidation:

Oh man, the best part was lost in translation…

“Girl: What took you so long?
Guy: The restroom was a mess.
Girl: Oh, sorry to hear that.”

So…in Argentina “quilombo” means “whorehouse” in addition to meaning “a mess.” So when the guy at the end says to his girlfriend, “el baño era un quilombo,” he’s saying “whorehouse” and she’s hearing “a mess.”

Which of course assumes that Argentine ladies just naturally gravitate to the more prudish meaning of the slang term. Because they’re genteel, gullible ladies, and all that. The kind who’d never suspect that the bathroom is actually a bordello, where their “uncastrated” man can revel in his five minutes of glorious unattachedness, courtesy of Axe.

And, poor chicas, they will find the stink of Axe (now available in Puto, Pitiyanki Disociado, Pelotudo de Mierda, and ¡Ponte un Condón, Mojón! scents) irresistible. And the wearer likewise? So much so that even if their profession entails never giving a man the time of day unless he pays them first, they’ll still crawl all over him for nada?

Uh, yeah. Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Anyway, compañeras, I’m not sure if you have a literal term in Argentino for “douchebag”, but if in the near future you smell a guy who reeks of horrible cheap cologne and struts around thinking he’s God’s gift, you’ll surely want to share it with me here, no? After you’re done gagging and vomiting in your own mercifully not-Axe-scented bathroom, that is?

Festive Left Friday Blogging: The Greatest Love Story on Earth

“Occupy Love”, featuring Asmaa Mahfouz, the young Egyptian woman who started the protest movement that eventually came to occupy all of Tahrir Square, toppling Hosni Mubarak and setting in motion a revolution that is still very much in progress.

If this doesn’t make you want to cry, you probably don’t have a pulse.

Press horror in Venezuela! Film at 11!

Oh. Oh. Oh my gawd. This is simply terrible!

Scathing UN, OAS report gets quick results as Venezuela announces federal government will start investigating press crimes

By Tania Lara/ZD

A commission formed by the Venezuelan National Assembly approved the federal government to investigate crimes against journalists with the cases to be tried in local courts, reported the newspaper El Universal.

The announcement was made a day after rapporteurs from the United Nations and Organization of American States presented a report on freedom of expression in Venezuela blasting the country’s slow response to end the culture of impunity surrounding crimes against the press. Venezuela’s chronic violence against journalists has earned it the dubious honor of most dangerous country in Latin America for press workers, according to several organizations.

The Venezuelan and South American office of Article 19 also denounced the Venezuelan government’s scant attempts to address impunity for crimes against journalists at the 143rd Assembly of the Inter American Commission of Human Rights in Washington, D.C., reported the website Ciudadanía Express.

The organization criticized a lack of protocol and specific strategy for responsible organizations to investigate killings and disappearances of journalists, and the tendency to discredit journalists before the investigation begins. There is also no mechanism for journalists under threat to solicit protection, reported Cuidadanía Express.

So far in 2011, 13 journalists have been killed in Venezuela and only two of the cases have been solved.

Yikes. Why haven’t we heard of this till now? Has the Venezuelan government actually managed to censor all that information from our view? Evil Hugo Chávez, that dictator must go. NOW!

Okay. In case you were wondering, yes, the above report is true. But it’s not about Venezuela. Clicky the linky, kiddies. It’s about none other than MEXICO.

Yes, that’s right…it’s MEXICO, not Venezuela, that has a press-freedom problem in which journalists are getting murdered by the baker’s dozen. The actual number of journos killed in Venezuela this year so far?

Zero. Cero. Nullkommanix.

And the worst “persecution” that any so-called journalist in Venezuela can complain of? Losing their over-the-air broadcast licence due to violations dating back to many years B.C. (Before Chávez), and oh yeah, fines for broadcasting extensive putschist propaganda.

How horrible those poor Venezuelan journos have it compared to those lucky Mexicans, eh?

Posted in Uncategorized. 4 Comments »

Quotable: Dwight D. Eisenhower on the social safety net

Man, that Ike. What a commie-pinko socialist. How the hell did he ever become a Republican? (And speaking of which: Why is that party not deader than the friggin’ dodo by now?)

Why Iceland isn’t in the news nowadays

Michael Hudson has some hints:


More at The Real News

Basically, it has a lot to do with fucking those who have fucked you, and using a splintery broomstick to do it. Yeah, Icelanders got up on their hind legs and raised a ruckus. And the banks backed down. Iceland has made a rather dramatic recovery since.

You don’t suppose there’s a lesson in here for the rest of us who are still in a world of hurt, eh?

Rosemary’s Boner

Poor Simon Romero. You just have to feel sorry for the guy. He doesn’t ever get out of the rich-folks’ ghetto of eastern Caracas, does he? Seems he’s found himself a new crushboy. And boy oh boy, are the results ever pathetic…

HUGO CHÁVEZ, president of Venezuela, has made Simón Bolívar, the 19th-century aristocrat who liberated much of South America from Spain, the central figure in a “Bolivarian” state ideology, invoking his spirit, exhuming his sarcophagus, even starting the construction of a new mausoleum resembling a ship for his hero this year.

But in a turn in the contact sport that is Venezuelan politics, one of the strongest challengers in the quest to unseat Mr. Chávez in a presidential election next year is an activist with actual Bolívar blood in his veins: Leopoldo López, an aristocratic, Harvard-educated economist who is a descendant of the liberator’s sister, Juana.

Bwahahahahaha. Did Rosemary really just do that? Position this crooked little tin-pot oligarch, who never worked an honest day in his life, as a new Libertador, just on the basis of his “noble” ancestry, not his actual deeds? That’s friggin’ hilarious.

It goes on in a boring vein for a couple of paragraphs about the recent Inter-American Kangaroo Court ruling that poor beleaguered Leo should be allowed to run for president, even though he flagrantly broke campaign financing laws by getting his own mother to embezzle money from the state oil firm, PDVSA, for him. Never mind that shit. Here’s more of the hilarity:

Mr. López, 40, is no stranger to operating within the gray areas of politics in Venezuela, a country where elections are held and public criticism is leveled at Mr. Chávez, but also where bureaucrats hound opposition leaders with legal threats and regulators fine independent news organizations, evidenced by a $2 million penalty imposed this week against the television network Globovisión for reporting on deadly prison riots.

“The state seeks to disqualify those seeking an alternative with relentless character assassination,” Mr. López said in an interview. “They are afraid of me because I can win.”

Well, now we know where Leo gets that glassy-eyed fanatical look he always wears, even when sitting perfectly still doing nothing at all. He’s crazy. He’s really fucking delusional. He really thinks Chavecito is afraid of him, and that he “can win”. Pardon me while I pick myself up off the floor…

Okay. Now, did you notice how early in the paragraph, Rosemary was forced to allude ever so briefly to Leo’s crookedness, before conveniently sweeping it under the rug and going back to the usual tired tropes about state censorship that doesn’t actually exist in Venezuela? This is a country where blatant putschists put out assassination calls on the public airwaves 24/7/365, and we’re supposed to believe that this is “free speech” and that fines levied against the putschist channels that broadcast this shit constitute “censorship”. Oh Rosemary, you probably snort your coke through the same straws as the oligarchs who run those channels, don’t you?

But wait, it gets funnier. Rosemary takes Leo at his word when he claims to be “centre-left” and whines that the government is painting him unfairly as a right-wing putschist who gets fat cheques from Washington under the rubric of “democracy promotion”. Actually, the Venezuelan government’s picture of him and his gringo bosses is accurate, and what’s unfair is Rosemary’s fawning portrayal of him as some kind of new Bolívar up against a tyrant.

And, if you’re going to talk about descendants of revolutionaries, Rosemary, it would behoove you to remember that Chavecito is himself one. And, unlike Leo, a DIRECT one…he is the great grandson of Pedro Pérez Delgado, better known as Maisanta, who took up the lance and joined the guerrillas to finish the job that Simón Bolívar had left uncompleted, namely overthrowing the oligarchy represented today by Leopoldo López, among others. Unlike Leo, Chavecito’s revolutionary ancestry hasn’t been rendered meaningless by hanging out among the inbred aristocracy of the capital.

But this is getting too serious. Let’s get back to Rosemary and his hilarities, shall we?

MR. LÓPEZ, a product of Venezuela’s Americanized elite, graduated from Kenyon College in Ohio and earned a master’s degree in public policy from Harvard University. Married to Lilian Tintori, a former television host and kite-surfing champion, his privileged background stands in sharp contrast with that of Mr. Chávez, a former army officer who rose from poverty to forge a political movement chafing at American influence in Latin America.

But Mr. López also seems to have picked up some strategies from Mr. Chávez, who cobbled together a grass-roots political movement in the 1990s after he oversaw a failed 1992 coup. Mr. López has traveled far and wide outside the capital, Caracas, assembling a national movement called Voluntad Popular, or Popular Will, which has congealed into a centrist political party.

LOL. There’s that word, “centrist”. I do not think it means what YOU think it means, Rosemary. The only things in the middle of the road in Venezuela are yellow lines and dead armadillos. The country has no centrist parties, only the PSUV, the PCV, and a slew of dishonest right-wing parties all squabbling for what little is left of the vote, like drunks over an empty bottle.

And a small rich municipality in eastern Caracas is not a basis for a “national movement”, either. Just ask Irene Sáez, the former Miss Universe who tried to make the jump from mayor of Chacao to president of Venezuela in 1998. She was deemed a popular front-runner by the press in those days, too. And she started out roaring, only to get her pretty little ass soundly clobbered by an upstart from the provincial backwater of Barinas who had a REAL national movement, instead of a one-member party called, originally enough, IRENE. You might know him, he’s still president today.

His name is Hugo Chávez Frías.

And come next year, he is gonna whip Leo’s little candy ass, too. But don’t look for any such admissions from Rosemary, whose duty it is to tout the putschist flavor-of-the-month, no matter how badly that boner comes back to haunt him later on.

Stupid Sex Tricks: Banking and wanking, together at last

No. Oh, no. NO:

In case you were wondering what that was all about, Copyranter explains:

Komerční Banka is a member of the Société Générale Group, and is one of the leading financial institutions in the Czech Republic. Copy translation, according to the YouTube poster: “Enjoy the first banking transaction.”

There’s another of these spots for the guys, too:

They don’t show who’s screwing these ecstatic customers on behalf of the faceless corporation. I’m going to go waaaaaay out on a limb here and assume that this is an ad for self-serve, uh, BANKING. Yeah. That’s it.