Wankers of the Week: Crappy Holidaze

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, well…the holidaze is upon us. Eggnog ad nauseam, and enough turkey to put an entire army to sleep. And cranberries to wash all the gunk out of our urinary tracts at the end of it all. Gotta love this time of year! And don’t get me wrong, I do. When I’m not stressed out from having to cook and clean everything under the drearily pale, distant and short-lived Yuletide Sun, that is. But there are people who deserve to get nothing but coal (or worse) in their stockings tonight…and here they come, in no particular order:

1. Scott Fucking Walker. He’s the Grinch that stole Well Woman care from Wisconsinites. Think they’ll notice? Think they’ll recall him over it? Remember, women are 51% of the local population. Do the math, people. Do the math.

2. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Um, Crazy Lady? Believe it or not, there IS such a thing as Muslim Americans! And last time I was in Minnesota, I saw them with my own eyes. Didn’t surprise me a bit, but I bet it would give you a nasty shock to know that yes, they are actually there, leading normal, patriotic, productive lives. That Hitler-in-the-building comparison is a nice touch, too. (And dang, it is a SAD day when I find myself wholeheartedly agreeing with that old stopped clock, Ron Fucking Paul.)

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PS: Ha, ha.

3. Bryan Fucking Fischer. If there IS a hell anywhere, it is right here on this Earth, in this life. And it is a joint project of theo-cons like him, and neo-cons like the late, unlamented Hitch Bitch. And part of the punishment that besets us all in this earthly Hades…is to be subjected to endless, idiotic harangues from either side. As I said last week: A pox on both their houses!

4. Mike Fucking McQueary. His story is still apparently mutating, but one thing is now becoming increasingly clear to me: He still doesn’t grasp the very basic fact that a grown man subjecting a child to anal penetration…is RAPE. By definition. No two ways about it.

5. The Fucking Conservative Party of HarpoFuckingLandia. Remember, this isn’t Canada anymore. And they are not the Government of Canada. And to prove it, how about a bogus claim that our VERY made-in-Canada long gun registry is already scrapped? Wankers and bullies, the whole fucking lot of them. And LIARS, too. And I hope the New Year brings down absolute HELL upon their lying asses, with daily protests so loud that none of them can sleep, think, or rubber-stamp another fascist bill all year. PS: Ha, ha. I do so love a good food fight. You?

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6. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. How the hell did someone so overfed still manage to graduate high school with a brain so utterly malnourished? And why are so many fucking idiots out there still keeping this fucking Pigman in slop by listening to his swill? Let’s face it, people, if everyone got what they deserved, he’d get NOTHING. If you’re still scrounging around for New Year’s resolutions, how about making it so? PS: Boo fucking HOO. I don’t suppose it’s any great secret that even Kim Jong Il was better than the Repugnant Party, who wholeheartedly endorsed and built the world of shit this world is currently in.

7. Manuel Fucking Batson. I agree that smoking and drinking are stupid things for teenagers to do…but really, demanding nude pix from her, in exchange for some of yourself? What kind of creepy punishment is THAT? PS: Petulant tweetings about it won’t make you look any less like a pervert, dude. If you really wanted women who were of legal age, wouldn’t you look someplace other than a gym where high-school girls practice cheerleading?

8. Rick Fucking Perry. And the laffs just keep on rollin’. This week, Crotch waxed even more hypocritical, telling a bi teen that gays had no place in the military — even though they’ve been there for as long as there has been a military, with no harm done to troop morale EVER. And shouldn’t he know that, seeing as he was in the US Air Force? Oh yeah, that’s right — still in the closet. Then, he couldn’t even get Kim Jong Il’s name right, calling him “Kim John the Second” (who was the first?) And oh my gawd, WTF is this? Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much. From behind his wife’s skirts. What a guy!

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9. Mitt Fucking Romney. Meanwhile, Mittens consolidates his statesmanlike posture by pronouncing on the easiest foreign-affairs matter he could possibly have picked…the sudden death of Kim Jong Il. This all would be very nice, except that Mittens lived, and continues to live, a life of luxury while mistreating his own family dog. Which rather makes that posture a wank, wouldn’t you say?

10. George W. Fucking Bush. This wank is a bit of a Ghost of Christmas Past, seeing as it involves a certain late North Korean dictator, a stupid-but-catchy phrase from David Fucking Frum, and nukes. But I think you’ll agree that Dubya deserves to be haunted by it until the end of time, seeing as North Korea’s nuclear accession took place on his watch…and, despite all his tuff-talkin’, he did fuck-all to stop it. It’s also worth noting that beyond a couple of underground tests, that North Korean nuclear “threat” proved largely empty. Not to mention that the biggest threat to the Asia-Pacific region remains, as ever, the US State Department. Yes, that’s right, the same country which remains the only one ever to use nuclear weapons in war. (Including “depleted” uranium munitions in Iraq.) Which kind of puts those North Korean nukes, scary as they may seem, into perspective, no?

11. Jules Fucking Manson. He sounds more like CHARLES Fucking Manson, if you ask me. But hey, numb-nuts, thanks for laying bare the entire ideology of the Teabagger Party and the Libertardicans both. Thanks for reminding us all that it’s nothing but racism plus guns, wrapped up in a shit-stained rag that used to be the US constitution. Now go shoot your own fugly face off, ‘kay?

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12. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Yeah, who cares if Canadians can’t afford to get sick or injured anymore. Let’s just go for that good ol’ all-Amurrican ideology of “can’t pay, don’t play”, at all costs! Here’s a thought, Jimbo: How about you fucking feds stop playing tiddlywinks with OUR taxes and OUR economy, and quit buying unnecessary jets and $2-billion security for summits we can’t afford to host and don’t give a shit about because they accomplish NOTHING for us, eh?

13. William Fucking McCallister. Polygraph tests are at best unreliable; a liar with steady nerves can beat one, while an honest person with shot nerves will appear guilty. But no one more so than this so-called polygraph examiner, specializing (so he advertised) in cases of “marital infidelity”, who conveniently drugged his female victims, then asked inappropriate questions and sexually assaulted them while they were strapped to the machine. In one case, he demanded oral sex in exchange for telling the woman’s husband that she “passed”. Weirdest pervert ever? Certainly a candidate.

14. Jason Fucking Kenney. There are plenty of legitimate reasons not to eat Chiquita bananas (support for the Honduran coup, anyone?) But the laughable “ethical oil” from the tar sands of Alberta is not one of them. It doesn’t belong in anyone’s engine, and its byproducts definitely do NOT belong in our air, water or soil. Which is where these “ethical oil” byproducts actually do end up, in unconscionable amounts. And which is why Jason is such a greasy little wanker this week. Perhaps he’d like some “ethical oil” sludge in his stocking? That could be arranged!

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(And for our so-called environment minister, Peter Fucking Kent, ditto.)

15. Newt Fucking Gingrich. You know your vows and pledges don’t mean anything when a marital-cheating agency endorses you and your frightful hypocrisy on a big, fat billboard. But it sure is good for shits ‘n’ giggles, innit? PS: Speaking of which, ha ha. And ha, ha, ha.

16. Sarah Fucking Palin. What? YOU again? Hey Sawah, Baby Jesus just called. He says to fuck off, get out of politics, and stop wearing miniature torture devices around your neck.

17. Cassie Fucking Wright. She’s whitey-white, full of shite, and none too bright. Which makes her a PERFECT president for the College Repugs. Holla!

18. Ron Fucking Paul. His policies are “winning” like Charlie Fucking Sheen was “winning” when he went on a manic tear. You’ll notice I used quotation marks for a reason. “Winning”, in this case, means something more along the lines of batshit fucking crazy. And how can one claim to disavow racist things published in one’s own newsletter, if one did not endorse them and agree with them enough to publish those things in the first place? PS: And homophobic too. Shocked, SHOCKED, I tell ya. All we need now is anti-choice, and we’ll have the entire Unholy Trinity!

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19. Ted Fucking Nugent. I’m with Keitho. The Noodge is, indeed, a fucking asshole. He’s an asshole who dodged the draft by sitting in his own shit for about a month, back in the day. So he’s got no business calling anyone else a “dirtball”. And what’s this about “good for my conservative soul”? If you’re a conservative like this, you don’t HAVE a soul. You sold it long ago, remember?

20. Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso. Picking on Sean Penn is never smart. But then again, neither is Conchita. (She’s never SANE, either.)

21. Jay Fucking Gray. Isn’t there some kind of ethical rule for journalists against fraternizing with their prospective interviewees, at least over alcohol? If not, then there damn well should be. Especially if you’re fraternizing with a creep like Joe Fucking Amendola. I mean, UGH.

22. Kim Fucking Kardashian. Gee, do you suppose SHE’s a 1%er? If her “earnings” from last year won’t do the trick, this year’s insta-wedding profits just might. Maybe next year, she’ll start paying some real taxes for a change. PS: Yep, she’s a 1%er, all right. Right down to the highly profitable sweatshop crap. TAX THE FUCKING BITCH ALREADY!!!

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23. Andre Fucking Curry. I don’t know what’s most disturbing about this: the fact that he admits to hitting his child, that he ties her up with tape to keep her from hitting back, that he took a picture of her in that bound-and-gagged state, or that he posted it to Facebook. Or that some people think it was just a joke. Fortunately for the baby, the law takes those things very seriously.

24. Deangelo Fucking Mitchell. Trying to beat a coke-smuggling rap is a wank sure enough, but getting your little brother to dispose of the evidence in such a way that it kills him? That is seriously sick shit. (And if you ever wonder why I will never even TRY cocaine, or any other hard drug, read between the lines, people. That shit has literally been IN shit. Someone else’s shit. Up their butt. Yeah, that sounds real glamorous now, doesn’t it?)

25. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. How to reopen a “debate” that you know you’re going to lose, and lose badly? Simple: Never mention the dirty-wirty word (ABORTION!!!) that you’re actually “debating”. Question: Why is it always the most disgustingly unsexy MEN who think this “debate” should be “reopened”? If fetuses are so sacred to them, let THEM get pregnant, already! Then we’ll see how long the “debate” lasts.

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26. Amy Fucking Koch. How refreshing to know that ‘winger men aren’t the only Family Values hypocrites around. Female conservatives are just as two-faced! Doesn’t that make you feel so much better about the whole damn bunch? PS: Ha, ha.

27. Jim Fucking Sensenbrenner. Michelle Obama may or may not have a big ass, depending who you ask. But there’s not much doubt that he IS one. And he really should learn to watch his own diet if he’s going to go around criticizing a woman who’s not half as broad in the beam as HE is.

28. Trent Fucking Arsenault, AGAIN. Last week he got listed for illegal sperm contributions. This week, how about just for WANKING? Yeah, that’s right…he captures his “donations” on camera, to be uploaded to the Intertoobz later on, so that other wankers can wank to the sight of him wanking. Is this really the kind of guy you want siring your offspring, ladies? (And just imagine the awkwardness of having to explain THAT to your kids when the time comes. You know you’re gonna have to.)

29. Francis Fucking George. When’s the last time you saw a Gay Pride parade morph into a KKK rally? NEVER? Well, isn’t that funny. Because this crazy cardinal thinks they all will do that, if not this year, maybe next year; and if not next year, the year after that, etc. I’m sure this will come as a considerable shock to all the gay Catholics out there! Meanwhile, not a word about how the Church is persecuting the gays, much like the KKK does with the blacks. Which is pretty hypocritical and wankish when you also consider just how many child molesters, most of them straight, are hiding under those strangely KKK-like robes of theirs.

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(Sorry, I just HAD to. Yes, I know you’ve seen it before. But that one is just so fabulous, it will NEVER get old!)

PS: Sign, sign, sign. Please.

30. James O’Fucking Keefe. A sexual harasser, as well as a crapaganda whore and all-around sleazeball? Well, I never. (Okay, maybe not never. I figured it was only a matter of time before someone charged him. I’m just surprised it’s taken this long!)

31. Rex Fucking Murphy. It used to be that I merely disagreed with him because we had radically different opinions; now, I don’t just disagree with him, I find him utterly and inherently disagreeable. What tipped it? His not-so-tacit endorsement of Harpo, and the latter’s bland hostility to anything other than corporate or religious-fundamentalist interests. And Rex’s utter denial that there is any hostility there, and his labelling of over 60% of Canadian voters as “extremists”, instead. What is he, fucking BLIND? Or is he just senile? It can’t have escaped anyone’s notice that he consistently falls somewhere on the far right end of the spectrum. If he’s an “independent thinker”, then hola peones, I’m the fucking Queen of Spain. Time for CBC to retire him, and put Rick Mercer on in his slot. He’s a WAY more interesting and acerbic ranter-with-a-Newfie-accent than the laboriously sesquipedalian Mr. Murphy anyday.

32. Margaret Fucking Wente, yet again. She started out all right, but then she, too, pulled a Rex Fucking Murphy. What the hell is wrong with these idiots???

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33. Cornelius Fucking McGillicuddy the Fourth. Every year, around this time, PDVSA and CITGO make poor gringos feel a little bit better with cheap heating oil. And every year, like clockwork, Scrooge McGringo cranks up the fauxtrage gin-mill and kvetches about evil commies and how poor people need to freeze and starve as an incentive to do…what, nobody really knows. Maybe turn out professionally stupid, like him, and support dirty Alberta tar-sands oil? Seems as good an answer as any.

34. Brent Fucking Bozell. He “might want to say” that Barack Obama looks like a “skinny, ghetto crackhead”. And WE might want to say that Bozo looks like a fucking racist idiot. (Come to think of it, so does Mark Fucking Steyn.)

35. Joe Fucking Arpaio. See what happens when your deputies kill a man? You get blocked everywhere!

36. Bob Fucking Vander Plaats. Since when is GREED a Family Value? Or influence peddling? Not very Christian, I must say…

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And finally, to all the fucking bankster wanksters out there crying about how poor misunderstood you are so much more productive than all the rest of us, and how we should stop protesting all of you for wrecking the global economy. This as you prepare to celebrate Xmas, and maybe even New Year’s Eve, without coke and hookers for a change, because you know just how bad that’s gonna make you look. You poor widdle self-sacrificing dears, how could we 99%ers, whom you all ripped off like there was no fucking tomorrow, ever hold your myriad highway robberies against you?

Oh gee, let me think…

Maybe it’s the way you threw people out of a job, then foreclosed all their homes? Or the way you played Texas Hold ‘Em with money that came from depositors’ pockets, not yours? Or the way you claimed you were Too Big To Fail, all the while failing harder than that bicycle stick-dude on Failblog.org? Or the way you diddled hard-working, TRULY productive people out of their pensions? Or maybe it’s just the way you call yourselves Job Creators while creating precisely ZERO new jobs. How’s that grab you for justifications? Kind of makes all your whining sound petty and mean and stupid and ungrateful, doesn’t it?

Well, duh…that’s because IT IS! We’re the ones producing so YOU can steal and hoard it all and play like you’re John Fucking Galt. Who, by the way, is just a poorly drawn fictional character, and a steaming load of shit, too. Just like Y-O-U.

Good night, crappy holidays…and GET FUCKED!

2 Comments

  1. Polaris says:

    Cardinal Francis George of Chicago is soon required at age 75 to send a mandatory retirement letter to the Pope, but the Pope is not obligated to accept it. It’s not unusual for cardinals to continue serving far beyond the age of 75.

    Cardinal George has been a disappointment, and like a majority of past Chicago cardinals he has dogmatically toed the Catholic Church’s rigid party line, even though there is enough wiggle room for him to have done considerably better.

    • Sabina Becker says:

      I got an email back from his office regarding the petition, and apparently he just doubled down on the dumb. He reiterated the incredibly stupid “we’re being persecuted by the gays” line. I smell a second-time entry here for him…

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