Crappy New Year, everyone! How’s yer hangover? All gone? Slept it off, you say? Good. Because, as we all know, wank never sleeps. Especially if it’s got a buzz on; then it’s got the bed-spins. And glory be, sure enough, I’ve found you some fine exemplars of what NOT to be as you’re struggling to start fulfilling your inevitable resolutions. So here comes the ordure, in no particular order:
1. Carl Fucking Sosnoski. Bank on it: Scott Fucking Walker is going to be recalled, sometime later this year. Not much later, I hope — and so, I’m sure, do the good people of Wisconsin, who’ve had about all they can take of the tin-pot dictator. This asshole is obviously not one of those people. But watching him lose his fucking shit and making actual death threats is as good a way as I can think of to celebrate this first full weekend of the New Year in style. Don’t you agree?
2. Rick Fucking Santorum. How’s that old John McCain flop go? “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”, I believe. And then there’s this lovely Freudian slip, which tells us all we really need to know about his racial politics. If Icky Ricky wants to start the campaign year off on a good foot, he might want to remove it from his mouth, first. And Christ, Ricky, wouldja quit fucking whining about gays, already? PS: Ha, ha — FABULOUS! PPS: Ewwwwwwww. PPPS: Oh, man up. PPPPS: Why do you want your wife dead, Ricky?
3. Rick Fucking Perry. Meanwhile, the other icky Rick has decided to go for a different kind of indecency, one that sounds an awful lot like stripping. Does this mean we’ll soon get a glimpse of Wee Willie Winkie?
4. Ron Fucking Paul. Fear fear terror terror yeek yeek shriek SHRIEK! Is it working yet? Nope. Maybe you better break out a color-coded UN Conspiracy Lunatic Early Warning system, dude. Better still, if you think governments are really all 90 to 99 percent tyrannies, just don’t run for office. PS: Too little, too late! PPS: Finally, a fitting endorsement!
5. Margaret Fucking Thatcher. True, this one’s a bit belated, given that she is now senile and Saddam is now dead. But I think she still deserves to have her head photoshopped into that infamous photo of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with the dictator during a 1980s arms deal, because that’s exactly what SHE did, too — albeit in cowardly fashion, through proxies. PS: “Iron Lady”, huh? “We don’t negotiate with terrorists”, huh? Hah!
6. María Corina Fucking Machado. You just gotta feel sorry for poor MariCori. She’s trying to posit herself as a populist presidential candidate in Venezuela, which might sound nice except that she’s a wealthy heiress who has never worked an honest day in her life. Kind of inconvenient considering that the man she’s up against came from the working poor, and has kept all his promises, even the most seemingly extravagant. Even more so when you consider that her platform is “Popular Capitalism” — the bastard child of imperialism and utter fucking cluelessness. Capitalism hasn’t been popular (if ever it was) in the US since 2008, and in Venezuela since before the Berlin Wall fell! I guess she’s counting on the Venezuelan people to remain as blithely amnesiac as she is about inconvenient little blips like the Caracazo…and the coup of ’02, in which she signed the blatantly antidemocratic Carmona Decree. Oops!
7. Lawrence Fucking Vander Esch. “Santorum Salad” is even funnier (or grosser) when you consider how much santorum is splattered all over the floor of his tidy little Family Values closet. Yes, that’s right, this co-founder of that infamous right-wing Iowa pizza chain with the poorly-named salad is a convicted molester who tricked his teenaged employees into sex acts by claiming it was to collect “semen samples” for research. The more you know, eh?
8. Mitt Fucking Romney. I’m pretty sure Europe doesn’t want the US’s money, considering that it was your neoliberal crapitalism that built the current crisis in the first place, Mittens. The last thing they need is to be in YOUR debt, on top of everything else. PS: Nice fucking supporters you got, too. PPS: Ha, ha. PPPS: Oh HELL no!
9. Newt Fucking Gingrich. #8 is a liar he can support? Well, you know what they say — takes one to know one. PS: Oh, NICE. Next up: Newt will “create a program” for women whom pregnancy will kill. PPS: And he gets the Founders wrong, too. Tell me again why this one should ever have a shot at the presidency of a land whose history he knows fuck-all about. PPPS: Nope, not racist at ALL!
10. Edward Fucking Brown. The only thing lamer than exposing oneself to an audience full of children during a showing of Alvin and the Chipmunks is the excuse he made for doing so.
11. and 12. David Fucking Fowler and John Fucking Ragan. Anyone who blames the victim of a bully, especially if that victim commits suicide as a result of the bullying, deserves to be publicly shamed wherever he goes. Just sayin’.
13. Pat Fucking Robertson. Of all the people for God to reveal the next US president’s name to, Patwa has got to be the last. I mean, when was a prediction of his ever right? He can’t even get hurricanes to wipe the gay people off the Earth, fergawdsakes.
14. Ricardo Fucking Martinelli. Just the fact that he’s still president of Panama — and Bog only knows how he came by THAT — is reason enough to list him here. But the link is damned entertaining too, so just click it, learn a little about corruption in right-wing parts of Latin America, and experience the miracle of the laughter cure for yourself, ‘kay?
16. Sarah Fucking Palin. While we’re on the subject of wingnut women who need to exit stage right: She’s still strutting back and forth, banging her big bass drum, like the Fucking Energizer Bunny. And while we’re on the subject of big bass drums, what is that THING holding up her hair?
17. Sarah Fucking Burge. Of all the things you don’t want to pass on to your impressionable daughter, a raging case of Body Dysmorphic Disorder has got to be top of the list. NO little girl needs a gazillion dollars’ worth of plastic surgery — or vouchers to get a boob job and lipo later on. How about a nice round of family counselling sessions, instead?
18. Katie Fucking Roiphe. Tiresome fucking drama queen is fucking tiresome. Nobody’s trying to shoo you off the Internets, Katie…they’re just trying to whack some sense into that remarkably dense, privileged, spoiled little head of yours. Trying to shut them out is a sure way of just bringing down more of the same richly deserved shitstorm upon yourself.
19. and 20. Courtney Fucking Stodden and Chris Fucking Crocker. Oh, get a room, you two. And don’t take ANY pictures while you’re in there. The whole nauseated world is begging you. PS: Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on, either. Srsly. That jailbait porn schtick is so icky. She needs to go away. Far away. NOW.
21. Ezra Fucking Levant. Petulant right-wing unethical-oil man-child with tiny banana tells Chiquita to suck it? Dude, they’re gonna need a scanning electron microscope just to find that thing. Please to wash your mouth out with carbolic soap before you kiss your mother again — assuming she hasn’t disowned you. PS: Chiquita is a far-right corporation that does the majority of its dirty business in Honduras. The FARC, whom all Big Banana companies hate like poison, are leftists and from Colombia. Learn some regional geopolitics, you fucking dolt.
22. Peter Fucking MacKay. Serial monogamist, fishing-hole frequenter, SAR-chopper-commandeerer and ex-girlfriend-insulter, otherwise known as the Harper Government™ defence minister, ties the stealth-bomber knot with Iranian human rights activist — probably right on the verge of a US-aligned bombing raid of her home and native land? The mind officially boggleth. Insert ripped-from-the-headlines joke here.
Or just an annotated portrait of the new missus, valiantly standing up for human rights, especially those of the chador-swaddled women and girls of Iran. Yeah, that’ll do.
23. Herman Fucking Cain. What to do when you’ve been forced to drop out of the Repugnican presidential race by your own past sexual shenanigans, both consensual and non-? Well, if you’re a pizza-king-slash-butler-to-the-Koch-Brothers, you just hop on the Sarah Fucking Palin Irrelevancy Express bus to nowhere, and pretend to be in touch with the very same people who would never shake your hand on account of what color it is. Personally, I think he’d have better luck starting his own dating site for Christian conservative singles. But far be it from me to prevent him from imploding further…if such a thing is even possible.
24. Carmen Fucking Tisch. Look, dear, I know you’re outraged at the CIA’s role in promoting the ultra-expensive, mind-buggering weirdness that was Abstract Expressionism. We ALL are. But really, pissing on a painting? Next time, try projectile puking. You might actually end up adding some textural interest to it.
25. Ray Fucking Lazier Fucking Lengend. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s what the Fucking Frappucino Firebomber, as he’s been dubbed, is doing to everyone’s heads. First he’s a bigot, then he’s not — oh wait, maybe he is? Whatever. Either way, he’s a fucking wanker.
26. Peter LaFucking Barbera. Take down Santorum.com? Um, I believe the phrase we’re looking for is NOT A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL!!!
27. Casey Fucking Anthony. Bad enough that she got off for a crime everyone was sure she’d be convicted of. Now she’s got a taste for fame, and appears determined to keep oonching back into the media spotlight, with not even a tear for her late daughter. I’m going to stop right here lest I unleash a torrent of incoherent froth and make a Nancy Fucking Grace of myself.
28. and 29. Bill Fucking Kristol and Eugene Fucking Delgaudio. Neocon, meet theocon. Go forth, and spread the santorum of rampant homophobia far and wide across the, er, Fruited Plain!
30. Christian Fucking Wulff. The political scandal of the year in Germany? No doubt about it. President gets caught negotiating a half-million-euro private home loan with a wealthy business buddy. This at a time when many people are having trouble financing their own homes. But he claims he did nothing wrong. Then, to add insult to injury, he tries to stifle a tabloid when it was ready to print the story, and is down on voicemail as threatening legal action. You’d think that might shame a bastard into coming clean, but not he: He goes on national TV claiming he was only having the story delayed for a day, “so that all the facts would be correct”. Well, pardon my multilingual profanity, but that is just a load of Scheiße! And to cap it off, this isn’t the first time he’s done shady financial dealings. And no, he STILL hasn’t resigned. That may be the biggest wank of all, considering how Germany is at the heart of the Eurozone financial shitstorm, and all these politicians preaching austerity have, one would guess, a major example to set.
Or face a shitstorm of shoes. (Yes, the Germans picked that one up from the Arabs. Will wonders never cease?)
31. Pamela Fucking Geller. Color me skeptical, but everytime this woman writes something about Muslims or mosques, she is either batshit crazy or smoking crack. Or both.
32. The Fucking Israeli Army. Photoshopping the Dome of the Rock out of a picture of Jerusalem (for Hanukkah, yet!) has got to be the ultimate act of chutzpah. Short of an actual Palestinian genocide, that is.
33. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh look, he’s joining Icky Ricky Ass-Sploodge in a duet. And the chorus? “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”. Where have we heard THAT before?
34. Scott Fucking Walker. Need any more reasons for a recall? How’s embezzlement grab ya? And kiddie porn? And solicitation of minors? Granted, it’s his associates who are under investigation for those things. But what does his willingness to associate with those crooks tell you about his character? And his accusing political opponents of “twisting things”, as though he himself were not and did not have to be accountable in terms of his associations?
And finally, to whoever the fuck at MSNBC was responsible for keeping Pat Fucking Buchanan on so long as a political commentator. What the fucking fuckity fuck were you thinking? And since when is a man who admired Adolf Fucking Hitler considered competent to pronounce on anything? Not exactly something to instill confidence in one about the fairness, impartiality and accuracy of the major US news media, eh. But hey, someone there finally wised up and suspended him indefinitely. And it only took millions of anti-racism protesters and several fucking years to make them see the light. That’s progress…I guess.
Good night, and get fucked!