Wankers of the Week: Ceiling Vic is watching you masturbate

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Have you all enjoyed your week-that-was? NO? What a surprise. I couldn’t either, what with all these wankers breathing down my neck (or DSL line, same difference). And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. I’m surprised that even CPAC still thinks she’s relevant; she’s not, she’s just a fuckwit who can’t stop yapping for dollars and taking all the bitter old dumb-ass racist crackers to the cleaners. And yeah, she should be thrown out with the bathwater. Preferably in the dead of the Alaskan winter. Don’t forget to lock all the windows and doors, people. And buy earplugs, because her voice is hard on the eardrums even at normal levels. PS: Go AWAY, Sarah!

2. John Fucking Baird. If you thought #1 was dumb and grating, you should see/hear this one. Squealer is just one of Canada’s many (inter)national embarrassments, all of whom fall under the rubric of neo-conservatard. PS: And talk about dishing it out but not being able to take it, poor Squealer is giving himself a hernia because someone using a parliamentary IP number — an NDPer, or so he thinks — doesn’t love Big Brother, a.k.a. Icky Vic, and is dredging up old but publicly known facts about him and his “pro-family” hypocrisies. BTW, speaking of “pro-family” hypocrisies, rumor has it that Squealer’s been seen around the gay bars in Montréal, and that he likes him some twinque. Get on it, news media!

3. Pamela Fucking Geller. When is an honor killing nothing of the sort? When it’s a case of domestic abuse. And when it’s something that Ms. Atlas Shits is jumping all over like a fucking necrophiliac, trying to exploit without the least sense of honor or shame on her own part.

4. Liz Fucking Trotta. She thinks women in the military should expect to be raped? I think right-wing women on FUX Snooze should expect to be dribbled around the court of public opinion before being harshly slam-dunked in the ol’ ridicule basket. BTW, Liz, before you go slagging feminists again, just remember who it was that won you the right to make a well-paid career out of saying stupid sexist objectively pro-rape shit. Wasn’t YOU, honey. And it wasn’t the pukey old men who hired you, either.

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PS: Sign, sign, SIGN. PPS: Very well said!

5. Rick Fucking Santorum. Another week, another raft of wank. First it was women’s emotions, now it’s their “weakness” that makes them unsuitable for combat? Obviously, Icky Ricky has never heard of my Germanic ancestors, whose women fought alongside their men and took not one gram of shit from anyone. Which is kind of funny, because they’re the same “barbarians” that sacked the land of HIS ancestors. PS: Oh, EW!!!

6. Nancy Fucking Brinker. Continues to implode apace, taking the entire Komen (for the Cure™!) Foundation with her. Also looks disturbingly like a Klingon.

7. Rick Fucking Warren. Apparently, “the State of Grace” is a very lenient place to live if you’re hardcore stupid. For the rest of us, though, birth control is a good way of preventing more Stoopid from leaking out of “Grace” and into this world, where critical intelligence matters.

8. Vic Fucking Toews. So it’s down to a choice between you fascists and the child pornographers, is it, O Adulterer? What the fuck is this, The Bush Crime Syndicate, Canadian Edition? “You’re either with us, or with the terrorists”? Fuck off, Vic. Fuck RIGHT off. And get your Dirty Old Man hands off my online privacy.

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PS: Ha, ha! Let’s hear it for Vikileaks! PPS: Looks like something worked! PPPS: And now he’s on the side of the pornographers. And apparently, he hasn’t read his own legislation. What the fuckity fucking fuck?

9. Tamara Fucking Lowe. More proof, in case we needed it, that the most pious people are, in fact, really the most disgustingly dirty ones. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of a liberal, progressive or socialist stealing porn?

10. Sherri Fucking Shepherd. Defending Chris Fucking Brown, who beat and strangled Rihanna until she passed out? Hell, even his so-called music is indefensible. If you rely on autotuning, you are NO singer. And if you whine and sulk and pout about being shut out, instead of feeling remorse for almost killing your ex-girlfriend, you are NOT rehabilitated, and you do NOT deserve a second chance. And if you defend anyone who matches the above description, you are a fucking imbecile. And you should also be shut out.

11. And on that note, Chris Fucking Brown is back, and boy, is he fucking BITCHY. Even his mother thinks so! Ladies, you may want to run the other way. He is already known to be a fucking psycho, and a whiny petulant one, too. If he doesn’t beat the shit out of you, he may just drive you around the bend with his childishness and unaccountability. And, like I said, he can’t fucking sing. PS: Ugh.

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12. Marston Fucking Hefner. Yep, Hef’s son is a woman abuser, too. The Playboy Philosophy in action! What else can you expect of a magazine whose models are required to sleep with the boss and sometimes, apparently, his son?

13. Todd Fucking Gilbert. Well, of COURSE abortion is just a “lifestyle convenience” to a man, who will never have one but might just blithely send his mistress to get one. After all, it’s not him who has to pay for it in time off work, worry and fretting, money, or humiliation in the form of an ultrasound probe up the hoo-ha. Maybe the state of Virginia needs an anti-wank sperm-personhood clause attached to its stupid fucking anti-abortion laws.

14. Melissa Fucking Clouthier. OMG, the CPAC “ladies” are a bunch of skankily-clad sluttereenas. Because-because-because FEMINISM! Clutch pearls! Stagger to fainting couch! Hey Melissa, whatever happened to Personal Responsibility out your way? Because if conservative women can’t dress the part, isn’t that actually THEIR fault? And how about that great role model, the Coultergeist, who’s been dressing like a streetwalker since the Iron Age? She’d bite your head off for even suggesting that she’s a feminist! But hey, thanks for schooling ‘em. Next year we’ll see if anyone took your advice and shows up in a burqa, like the really conservative women do on the other side of the world.

15. Timothy Fucking Dolan. Since when is it “anti-religious” to give women the right to affordable birth control? Oh, since old men in skirts decided to stop minding their own damn business, and start getting all up in ours. Even if we’re not fucking Catholic.

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16. Dave Fucking Mustaine. Need a metal band to boycott? I suggest Megadeth. It’s covered in — ewwwwwwww! — SANTORUM. PS: He now denies endorsing Icky Ricky. But since he still wants a Repug in the White House, he’s STILL a wanker.

17. Penny Fucking Nance. Christ, what is it with all these big-haired self-righteous pearl-clutchers who hate birth control (for other women, the riffraff!) and tell lies about Planned Parenthood, even going so far as to call them a mafia, while acting downright Camorra-like themselves? They all look alike, they all talk alike, they all think alike, and they all have the same bogus persecution complex. Waaaaaaaa, we can’t hold the whole world hostage through its collective uterus! Help! Help! We’re being oppressed! What’s really pathetic is that she, like the she-mafiosi of the Komen Foundation, ought to know that whatever she does to restrict other women’s choices is going to come back to bite her in the end. Does she not have daughters? Or is she just so fucking delusional as to think that this is not going to affect them in any way? We all know, or should, that abstinence-only is an Epic Fail, and that pregnancy and disease rates have gone up wherever it was taught. Why is that message so slow to sink in? Is it all that big hair and hairspray getting in the way, maybe? Forget “the higher the hair, the closer to God”; the truth is, Jesus just really fucking hates liars.

18. Tom Fucking Lukiwski. Heaven forfend that our media report accurately on all the goings-on in Parliament, where absenteeism is especially common among our beloved fucking SupposiTories on Fridays. What? They work so hard to dismantle our rights and freedoms, shouldn’t they get an early jump on the weekend? What is this, a democracy? Sheesh.

19. Matt Fucking Rosoff. Dude, if you think online privacy is overrated and that “normal” people have nothing to worry about, YOU try being the victim of cyberstalking and death threats. And, newsflash: They happen to ordinary, non-threatening people too. I should know, they’ve happened to me. More than once.

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20. Foster Fucking Friess. Boy, that just trips off the tongue, doesn’t it? Y’know, old geezer, people would be a LOT less “preoccupied with sex” if puritanical old farts like you would quit obsessing about it, quit blatting about how evil and sinful it all is, and learn to mind their own fucking business. Keep your zipper up, and your mouth closed, and don’t tell me what to do with aspirin. Shove it up your own ass if you’re so preoccupied with sex, already.

21. Fred Fucking Phelps. And speaking of people who need an aspirin — or SOMETHING — up the ass, how about him? Picketing Whitney Houston’s funeral just because some gay guys like her music? Someone needs to bugger him to the tune of “The Greatest Love of All”, but I don’t know anyone who’d make that sacrifice. Ol’ Fred has pretty much torpedoed his chances of finding any love, anywhere, EVER.

22. Victoria Fucking Jackson. How brainless is she? Well, she tried to explain same-sex marriage…TO A GAY MAN. Just take a wild guess at how good a job she did. Oh, and she pulls that “with us or you’re a dirty commie snake” thing, too. This must be the week for it; I’ve heard that shit everywhere.

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23. Michael Fucking Berry. Riddle me this: What is an ostensibly straight, married, professionally homophobic junior-grade Rush Limbaugh wannabe doing in a gay bar known for its drag shows? Answer: Having one too many and banging into the bouncer’s car on his way back home to the wifey. What else?

24. Frank Fucking VanderSloot. I wonder if he’s any relation to that Joran creep who thought he could get away with murder — twice. Because the unmitigated fucking chutzpah certainly seems to be the same.

25. Stephen Fucking Harper. Way to go, douchebag, you just singlehandedly revived Québec separatism. Hope your Harper Government™ is worth it to you, because the rest of Canada hates your fucking guts for every single thing you did to us this week. Especially the women. You know, that 51% minority, that left-wing fringe special interest group? The ones you would rather see killed by “law-abiding” gun owners? Yeah, that one. We loathe and despise you, Stevie, and all the kittens and sweater-vests in the world won’t make YOU human to us.

26. Jeanine Fucking Notter. Harpo hates the women, but don’t worry, this wankerette is thinking about Teh Poor Oppwessed Menz! She actually believes that men can get cancer from a Pill that only women take. Never mind that said Pill actually PREVENTS cancer…IN WOMEN. But hey, let’s not be too hard on this dumbass, because how is she to know the real health effects of the Pill? She’s never had anyone to take it for. No one in his right mind would sleep with someone so fucking dim.

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27. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And while we’re on the subject of People Too Fucking Stupid For Any Self-Respecting Person To Sleep With, how about that Pigman? Boy, he really outdid himself for ignorance this time. Now we know that he’s never had sex with an actual adult woman, because if he did, he might be better acquainted with the actual workings of Planned Parenthood, and its clientele, who are most certainly NOT children between the ages of 10 and 12. This begs the question, then, of why he took along a bottle of Viagra on a sex tour in one of those countries with an infamous reputation for child prostitution. And why none of his “wives” (note the quotes) have stuck around for longer than ten god-awful years.

28. Christian Fucking Wulff. Finally, after MONTHS of scandal, he resigns as president of Germany. Took him long enough, verdammt noch mal.

29. James Fucking Poulos. If he seriously thinks all women are good for is baby-making (and he is hardly the only man ever to say that, or in so many drivelling words), then here is what I KNOW all conservative men are good for: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. And when I see all the shit that comes spilling out of their heads, I am only further confirmed in the matter. Not a single one of them has ever accomplished anything meaningful or worthwhile. And their ladies’ auxiliary just makes me melancholy, the way they all stand around twiddling their thumbs, sniping at feminists, and saying “God TOLD us to stand by our menfolks!” Not one of them has ever changed this world for the better. It is the progressives — male AND female — who have made all the real, GOOD difference in this world. And there is not one thing that useless right-wing eaters like this one can do to change that, unless it is to give up conservatism and learn to face reality without all that shit on their glasses.

30. Paul Fucking Babeu. What better way to look butch and keep your gayness in the closet than to threaten your Mexican ex-boyfriend with deportation? Only — oopsie! — that secret is now out. And going over just like a load of solid shit bricks in Aryan-fucking-zona.

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And finally, to all the fucking SupposiTories in Parliament, who had the unmitigated gall and rotten taste to celebrate the death of the long-gun registry, a registry established in response to a REAL majority vote by Canadians (which they, of course, have NOT got, no matter how much they delude themselves. Less than 40% of the popular vote is what Hitler got at HIS height of popularity, too.) Feeling smug, motherfuckers? Guzzle your fucking shooters at public expense, you stinking hypocritical tax-dollar-wasting drunks; yes, rub our noses in your so-called “majority”, as if we didn’t know the truth. Prepare for legal fights next, because this ain’t over by a long shot. And yes, that was a pun. And it’s gonna be funny only at YOUR expense, because you’ve just torpedoed your existence as a party with this objectively pro-crime move. You just don’t know it yet. But REAL Canadians do, because the majority of us are not with you, and never have been. The victims of gun crime see this as a betrayal and you as filthy, pandering traitors, because you’ve just aided and abetted their tormenters. So go ahead, get plastered and wear your shit-eating grins for as long as you can. It won’t be long. And when the inevitable hangover comes, I’m gonna be there with a bullhorn to rub your fucking noses in it. I may even drink a small toast on the day of your defeat, ha ha.

Good night, and get FUCKED!

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