Crappy weekend, everyone! Oh, what a week it’s been…me under the weather, and yet the wanks and the wanking wankers who wank them just keep on coming. This week’s list is a little abbreviated as a result of my miserable, rotten, mostly-head cold, but as you can see, it’s still jam-packed with teh fugly. And here it comes, in no particular order…
1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Never fuck with retirees…or those on the verge of retirement. Unless you’re a tyrannical dictator who doesn’t care about his party’s traditional voting base anymore, in which case fuck ’em before they fuck you. And hope they all die before your term is up. Eh, Harpo? PS: If the CBC has to disclose its salaries, how about yours, you fucking hypocrite?
2. Jud Fucking McMillin. How very like a Repug. Order drug testing for poor people on welfare, but then withdraw the bill when it’s amended to include the REAL bums living off the public purse…namely, legislators cruel and shitty enough to humiliate welfare recipients with mandatory drug testing. If you’re not willing to pee in a cup yourself, don’t even start this shit. Everyone knows that welfare pittances won’t pay off a drug dealer, anyway. Nor will they address the REAL drug problem in North America: Politicians hooked on corporate cash…and bad ideas.
3. Charles Fucking Murray. Turning your guns on poor whites, blaming progressive policies and women not marrying, doesn’t do anything about poverty. And it hardly lessens your image as a fucking bigot, in any case. (You’re still a racist, too.)
4. Eugene Fucking Foster. Slut-shaming is disgusting enough in its own right. But what the hell was he doing snooping on his girlfriend’s daughter’s cellphone in the first place, never mind sending copies of a nude picture of the girl he’d found on it to some 40 contacts on her phone list? Can we please get a snoop-shame thing going here?
6. Peter Fucking Van Loan. Liar, liar, pants on fire. There was NO “enthusiastic support” for pension cuts during last May’s election. Nobody, not even the most rabid wingnuts I’ve seen, voted for that, because they knew it would mean losing out on their own old age security. And what is this “options” bullshit? I see nothing optional going on here, only some more typically unpopular Tory policy being crammed willy-nilly down our throats…as usual. We are being FORCED to accept cuts, not being given a “choice”. But isn’t that just so libertarian? They’re forcing us to do things their way, rather than doing things OUR way as real elected politicians should. Freedom for whom, again? PS: Ha, ha.
7. John Fucking Baird. Oh, give it a rest, Squealer. Everybody knows that the so-called “Iran threat” is, at best, overblown. More likely, it is complete bullshit. The real threat, the elephant in the room, is Israel with its treaty-exempt nukes. You know it, I know it. And if you don’t know it, you’re not competent to be in public office.
8. Reince Fucking Priebus. Who? you ask. Oh, you know…that little nobody of a Repug who has a way with bad similes.
9. Randall Fucking Terry. If ever there was anyone who made me want to just put a padlocked ball gag on all men who ever talk about restricting abortion, it’s him. Fortunately, his feto-porn ads won’t be seen in all markets while the Super Bowl is on. (They shouldn’t be seen anywhere, but some hick towns just have no fucking taste. And no concern for the children who might be scared shitless after seeing THAT on TV.)
10. Joel Fucking Bruss. Friends don’t let friends drink and drive…a Zamboni.
11. Joel Fucking Oliver. Can’t answer simple questions. Can’t do simple math. Can’t simply talk without getting all angry and pointy. Can someone please tell me why Harpo made him Minister of the Environment, again?
12. Karen Fucking Handel. Ever wonder why women are running in droves…AWAY from the Susan G. Komen Foundation, which supposedly supports breast-cancer research, screening, and “for the Cure” events? This crazy anti-choice woman is a major reason why. Defunding Planned Parenthood, which among other things, does breast-cancer screening? NOT SMART. Now all the former Komen contributors’ cash is going directly to PP, and you can be sure they don’t care if it’s funding abortion or birth control for undeserving sluts, or what have you, as long as it’s saving women’s lives. Some perspective would be in order for the ultra-merchy Komen Foundation, yes?
13. David Fucking Vitter. If you’re wondering who talked the Komen Foundation into that boneheaded move, get a load of the diaper-assed poonhound from Louisiana. He’s bragging of it and claiming the credit. At this rate, their loss will be to his credit, for sure. The anti-Komen backlash has unleashed a huge moneybomb on Planned Parenthood, such that the Komen Foundation’s formerly fat contribution now looks like chickenfeed. Nice going, Diapers! You da man. PS: Ha, ha.
14. Nancy Fucking Brinker. Yeah, lady, how do you like your shitstorm now? You’re not just losing donors, you’re losing PEOPLE. This is what you get for tacking hard to starboard. And there is no “regrettably mischaracterized” about it. So spare us the pious bullshit and shut the fuck up. PS: No, this isn’t going to go away any time soon. Also: ha, ha! PPS: Shameless media damage control ploy FAIL. PPPS: Liar, liar, pants on FIRE!
15. Cliff Fucking Stearns. Diapers may be eager to take credit for the Komen Foundation’s major, MAJOR boner, but this one’s the real Antichrist behind the scenes. He and Patwa are quite open about their efforts to wreck Planned Parenthood. As are James O’Fucking Keefe and Lie-là Fucking Rose.
(Yes, that says “Help us run over poor women on our way to the bank”. The site was hacked. Very nicely played!)
16. Rick Fucking Santorum. And in other corporatist-“pro-lifer”-who-really-doesn’t-give-a-shit-for-the-living news, Icky Ricky just showed his true colors. He told the mother of a child with a rare genetic disorder not to complain about the million-dollar headache her child’s medication expenses had become. And he did it making the completely offensive comparison of life-saving medicine to a comparatively frivolous one-time buy, namely the iPad. This after his own daughter, who also has a rare genetic disorder, just barely survived a serious illness. A recovery which, of course, he termed “miraculous”. His chutzpah truly knows no bounds.
17. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. He took on Holland…and LOST. This comes as a surprise to precisely no one.
18. Mitt Fucking Romney. Nice to see that he took his glitterbombing in such good humor. But he’s full of shit about the confetti bit. And what’s this about not being very concerned about the poor? Ohhhhh, that’ll cost you, Mittens. About 99% of the vote. See, that’s why I said you were full of shit! You’re not going anywhere near the White House — except as a visitor, like anyone else.
19. Pierre-Hugues Fucking Boisvenu. Who? I never heard of him till now, but apparently he’s one of Harpo’s many, many rubber-stamping senate packings, er, appointees. And he has some knee-jerk, er, novel ideas of how to free up prison cells for the massive influx the SupposiTory omnibus crime bill will create. I think it’s a brilliant plan, myself…and am just wondering how we can apply it to the SupposiTories ahead of everyone else. You know, to free up some room in the suddenly overcrowded Upper Chamber for some REAL Sober Second Thinkers (elected, and not cronies)?
PS: Ha, ha.
20. Shadrack Fucking McGill. Politicians — uh, like him? — “deserve” vast salaries (allegedly to keep them incorruptible, because look how well that’s worked so far!), but teachers have to scrape by on food stamps because they have a “calling”. Where the fuck in the bible does it say that? Because I don’t seem to recall that passage. What I do recall is Jesus saying something to the effect of “give up your worldly goods, and follow me”. But he wasn’t saying it to teachers; he said it to rich people. I also recall him calling the conservative politicians out as Pharisees, hypocrites and whited sepulchres.
21. Ron Fucking Paul. And speaking of whited sepulchres, how do you like your libertarian Nazis? Not that this came as any great surprise to me, after weeks of hearing about his racist newsletters defending the “individual right” to be a fucking bigot, but still: Bwahahahaha. PS: WTF is THIS? A fascist invasion of a mostly-black Caribbean country? And ol’ Ron implicated in it up to the beady little eyeballs? Oh, this is too funny.
22. Neal Fucking Boortz. And in other fascist-libertarian news, look who’s projecting his inner self-identity on the poor. Actually, Neal is jock itch. Which makes him entirely unfit to lick toenail fungus’s boots.
23. Ari Fucking Fleischer. Well holy fucking shit, Ari the Liar didn’t go away when BushCo did! Instead, BushCo’s Baghdad Bob went deep-stealth, only to resurface first as a media flack for a certain sexually disgraced golfer, and later as a “konsultant” to the SupposiTory Harper Government™, and finally, as an engineer to the Komen Katastrophe. In all cases, he did a lousy job, being the transparent liar that he invariably is. So, to recap: He fucked up under Dubya, under Tiger Fucking Woods, under Harpo, blah blah, and now, under the Fucking Susan G. Komen Foundation, too. Ari, in short, is to risible right-wing crapaganda what a certain Mary was to typhoid.
And finally, to the Fucking Caterpillar Corporation. And the Harper Government™ that let these Yankee noodles get away with stealing our taxpayer dollars (and yes, cutting corporate taxes counts, because one way or another, it forces the Little Guy to pay for what the Big Bidness Fat Cats won’t), dicking hard-working people out of jobs, and then skipping the fucking country. I always did hate that corporation for its sexist fucking calendars. Now I’ve got one more thing to loathe and despise about them, and that’s how they’re helping the Cons to leave my home and native land…a WASTEland. And I’m supposed to be proud to live here? At this rate, the only thing I’ve got left to be proud of is the Medicare program Tommy Douglas left us. And even that is probably going to get slashed and burned by Harpo to appease his fucking corporate cronies, such as, you guessed it, the Fucking Caterpillar Corporation. Or whatever big US sick-care corporations are just chomping at the NAFTA bit to get let in and run hog-wild, denying us needed services as the whim (and the greed) strikes them. Thanks to the Komen Kerfuffle, we all saw how well THAT is working out. If that ever happens here, I’m going to start making plans in earnest to move to Venezuela. Thank heaven I’ve taken the trouble to learn Spanish and get acquainted with the political actualities of the land. I’m sure I’ll have no trouble acclimatizing to the warmer weather, either.
Good night, and get fucked!