Wankers of the Week: Happy Stupid People’s Day!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Are we all looking forward to the discount chocolate sale on the 15th yet? I know I am. I need something to take my mind off all the Stoopid flying thick and fast over the past week. Especially the egregious crapola from the craptastic crappers noted here, in no particular order:

1. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Apparently max-security psych wards in Norway don’t come with mouth restraints. Dreadful oversight. I hope someone over there rectifies that little omission, and soon. Last thing the country needs is for anyone to get the impression that this lunatic has anything serious to say about culture and movements. But hey! If his verbal diarrhea flushes any more gangsters or nutjobs out of the woodwork, it won’t all be for nothing. Round ‘em up, lock ‘em up, and throw the key in the sea!

2. Cecil Fucking Ash. When every day is White People’s Day (and simply not celebrated as such because obvious privilege requires no further recognition), you’d think some people would be wise enough to keep their mouths shut about it. Not he! Well, there goes that whole Master Race theory, out the window; turns out that white people haz Teh Stoopid like no one else’s business. Perhaps we SHOULD celebrate…Stupid People’s Day. Think it’ll catch on? There’s no shortage of potential celebrants…

3. Rick Fucking Santorum. Yup, Icky Ricky’s still in the running. And still touchingly convinced of some utterly false, yet related, notions: (1) That abortion causes breast cancer; (2) that you can actually ban abortion and birth control and not suffer horrible repercussions, like women dying all over the place, (3) that His Barackness is going to throw the likes of Ass Sploodge to the lions (oh, if only!), (4) that women are too emotional to fight wars (that’s funny — and WHO declares them on the basis of calm cold emotionless logic, again?), (5) that global warming is a myth, and (6) that he stands even a snowball’s chance of winning anything.

4. John Fucking Fleming. Why?

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That’s why. Teh Stoopid! It BURNS!!! And alas, Louisiana haz it. That’s how this pandering dunderhead got in. He was elected by fucking idiots who can be easily thrown into screaming shit-fits at the mere mention of abortion.

5. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. I don’t care how many times you repeat something, it still doesn’t make you any less full of shit. And honestly, I couldn’t care less whether a fetus is a human being under Canadian law, or whether our law treats it like a petunia or an armadillo. And I don’t want ANY fucking debate on the matter. I just want to make sure that self-righteous old men, even in Parliament, don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do with my own bleedin’ uterus. Because women are undoubtedly persons under Canadian law, even if it took Parliament as late as 1929 to get that little fact straight.

6. Harvey Fucking Carroll, Jr. Who? I don’t know, but he wants $10 billion, because he thinks he can run the Venezuelan oil industry (and its US affiliate, CITGO) better than the Venezuelans. I also don’t know what he means by “progressive”, since Chavecito IS a progressive, one who has invested oil money into green, renewable energy (wind farms, no less! Solar power, too!), and his use of oil and money for “Geopolitical politics” (sic; translation: SERVING THE VENEZUELAN PEOPLE AND IMPOVERISHED US CITIZENS) has been very effective. But then, anyone who references a Chavecito-hating crackpot like T. Boone Fucking Pickens doesn’t deserve long shrift anyway, so I’ll just stop here, before I laugh myself into a hernia.

7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. I’m sure there are plenty of worse things to do at a Super Bowl game than be caught on camera sitting in a VIP box, digging for boogers in your schnoz. But still, it’s just so emblematic of what a filthy pig this man really is. Isn’t it?

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8. Ron Fucking Paul. What the hell is an “honest” rape, and what differentiates it from a “dishonest” one? What the hell difference would an estrogen shot make in preventing pregnancy when everyone who’s ever been on the Pill knows it’s progestin that does the real work? And how did someone who is so vague and so stupid ever manage to get into medical school, never mind graduate? Was his MD from a diploma mill? Sure smells that way. PS: Oh look, it’s Teh Sovereign Stoopid. I knew that was only a matter of time…

9. Karen Fucking Handel. Yep, she’s out. But boy oh boy, is she EVER a bitch about it. Her resignation letter reads more like a sugary, weasel-worded declaration of war. Why do I have the feeling that this vampire is gonna keep coming back until someone puts a stake through her? In any case, not one more cent of mine will ever be going to the Komen Foundation. If they could hire her in the first place, they don’t deserve anything except derision and contempt. PS: Oh look, there she is. On FUX Snooze. Guess this is why she declined a severance package…so she could go on shooting off her big lying yap to the media, and thus dig both her hole and Komen’s just that much deeper. Anti-choice is NOT “neutral ground”, Karen! Next up: a regular commentator slot? If so, she’ll dig FUX’s hole deeper for them, too.

10. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Oh, shut up and go away, you tiresome fucking wingnut.

11. Geert Fucking Wilders. If the shoe fits, SUCK IT, Nazi-boy. I’m especially pleased that it was Germans who handed you your fascist ass.

12. Mitt Fucking Romney. How cute — Mittens thinks the Komen Kommandos “did the right thing”! Isn’t this all a little rich coming from someone who once supported abortion rights, and whose relatives-by-marriage actually requested memorial donations to Planned Parenthood when their daughter died of an illegal abortion? PS: Oh, Mittens. For SHAME!

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13. Vic Fucking Toews. While #5 is wanking on about the nonexistent human rights of fetuses, this one is wanking on about the now ALSO nonexistent human rights of the already-born. Apparently torture is once more okay, as long as it’s for CSIS and the state can claim that “public safety” is “at risk”, whatever that might mean. Does the right hand know what the OTHER right hand is doing? PS: Ha, ha. Beware the Jabberwock, kiddies!

14. Leona Fucking Aglukkaq. Hey, Leona? I think you dropped something. And glory be, it’s a flip-flop! “Regulatory burden”, blah blah, “informed choices”, blah blah blabbity blah blah. A fine “health minister” SHE is! First she says she’s gonna regulate trans fats, then she reneges. Apparently, appeasing the junk-food industry is more important to the Harper Government™ than protecting the lives and well-being of Canadians. Unless, of course, they’re in the fetal stage. Forced birth is gonna happen just so they can be good little mindless junk-food consumers and keep capitalism going. PS: Look who’s beating us at this. Shameful!

15. Andrew Fucking Scheer. So, once more, to recap: Cons — “pro-life” before a child is born, “every man for himself” afterwards, and “women stay home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen”, no matter what.

16. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Forget carcinogens — lesbianism causes breast cancer, says he. Ellen DeGeneres causes breast cancer! Oh yeah, Bryan? Tell it to my mom, who’s been happily married to my dad for the past 45 years. And she’s had six kids, too, all of them breast-fed. She still somehow managed to contract the disease in spite of doing everything that was supposed to help her avoid it. Gee, do you suppose it’s because she likes Ellen and doesn’t care that she’s gay? I don’t think so, but I bet Bryan does!

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17. Tim Fucking Teabag, er, THOMAS. AGAIN. Dude, you just keep right on teabagging. And the women in your life will find themselves a replacement penis-tender before you can say “do as I say, not as I do!” BTW, that abuse of Niemöller’s “First they came…” is utterly unforgivable, as everyone knows — or SHOULD — that Hitler was anti-choice and pro-forced-birth. Just like Tim Fucking Teabag Thomas. Oh yeah, and one in every four birth-control users in the US…IS A CATHOLIC. Who has no problem at all squaring reproductive rights with religious freedom, and indeed, feels they go together just fine, thank you.

18. Karl Fucking Lagerfeld. Trust me when I say that this pompous old orange-dyed queen isn’t a bit sorry he called Adele fat. He MEANT that! He’s just sorry his remarks got published and reaped a backlash. And yeah, what IS up with those Chanel clothes that don’t come in a size above 10? Too fucking lazy to design anything that fits and flatters something other than a clotheshanger, I guess. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: What Margaret Cho said.

19. Stephen Fucking Harper. That Davos boner is just gonna go on haunting him for the duration of his non-mandate, eh? And it damn well SHOULD, too. In fact, I hope it haunts him for the rest of his unnatural life. Also, this week, he had his Nixon in China moment. In which he sold us all down the Yangtze River. Awww, eh? And not a word about the atrocious conditions at Foxconn, either! Where’s all his tough talk on human rights when it really matters?

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PS: Liar, liar, pants on fire. PPS: Ha, ha. PPPS: Ha, ha, ha!

20. Nancy Fucking Brinker. Still full of Epic Fail. Still not getting one more cent out of me.

21. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. Another one who dropped a flipflop! Stupid SupposiTory, the Internets never forget. And the Canadian public will never forgive. PS: Got gold-plated pension? Of course you do.

22. John Fucking Hurley. Uh, Yeronner? I don’t think that a bowling date and dinner at Red Lobster is a suitable sentence for domestic violence. Although I’m sure that more than a few shitty husbands think that even small gestures of romance are really a punishment. And this one may well escalate the nasty payback for that alone.

23. Fred Fucking Phelps. Once more, the Fucking Westboro Baptist Church shows its true, classy colors…by protesting a funeral. This time, it’s that of two little boys axe-murdered and torched by their psycho father, who killed himself in the same act of arson. Their deaths clearly have nothing to do with the same-sex marriage rights law that was passed in Washington state this week, but that isn’t going to stop the world’s most sadistic screaming closet case from dragging his cultish clan over there to make asses of themselves at the funeral for two completely innocent kids. And no, “disgusting” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

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24. Cary Fucking Sherman. SOPA is dead; long live the whiny wankers trying to resurrect SOPA. And long may we continue to laugh our asses off over them.

25. Bill Fucking Vander Zalm. I think it’s fair comment to say that he’s a nasty, phony, crooked, corrupt, lying old scuzzball. And guilty of libel, to boot. And if he doesn’t like that, he can sue me. But it’s also fair to say that he’s gonna lose.

26. Cyrus Fucking Sullivan. I smell a class-action lawsuit for defamation of character brewing. And I sincerely hope it pours like hot rain upon your nasty, cyberbullying head. (BTW, shouldn’t the burden of proof be on the accuser, not the accused to demonstrate innocence with a doctor’s certificate, in matters like this?) And since when is an accusation of STD transmission “entertainment”? Or is that just a weasel word to prevent class-action lawsuits? If so, EPIC FAIL.

27. Tommy Fucking Jordan. Yeah, dude, I can see why your daughter turned out as poorly as she did. The chip clearly doesn’t fall far from the old block(head).

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28. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Illegal acts, you say? Things that make you go hmmmmmm!

29. and 30. Steven Fucking Crowder and Chris Fucking Loesch. Surprise! Conservative convention-goers are not only crappy rappers, they’re also completely and utterly fucking RACIST. Thanks, guys, for showing your true colors.

31. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. I don’t know if he’s finally lost his mind in public, or just one more marble from an ever-diminishing bag thereof. But savor, if you can, the irony of him bleating at Occupy to “behaaaaaave yourself” and “stop raaaaaping people”. It will be utterly lost on him, regardless.

32. Ann Fucking Coulter. If I were you, Coultergeist, I wouldn’t go making such broad-brush claims about the relative good looks and/or “realness” of wingnut women vs. the sane majority. For one thing, you ain’t good-looking AT ALL. For another, not even your hair color is real. BTW, nice defence of sexism there. Goes great with your streetwalker uniform. Can’t imagine why you’re still single! PS: Oh wait, maybe I can.

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33. Ed Fucking Holder. Can’t man up and do your governmental job, which is keeping corporations on a short, tight leash, taxing them at the highest rate, and upholding workers’ rights? Then do what the Conservative MP for London West did when Caterpillar locked out the Electro-Motive Diesel workers in London, Ontario, and just blame the usual scapegoat. Yes, that would be the media, for reporting accurately on the whole shitty affair and thus “unnecessarily” stirring public outrage and putting worker issues back in the public eye after decades of scratching dirt over them like good little doggies, while the fat cats laughed all the way to the increasingly bloated bank. Drat that media for no longer doing what Conservatives think is its job, namely reminding the public that resistance is futile and that the corporate Borg are our benevolent overlords and blah blah blabbity blah blah!

34. Larry Fucking Miller. Again with the “registering guns is what Hitler did!” bullshit meme. Aside from the obvious Godwin violation, there’s also the fact that Hitler didn’t force Germans to register guns, much less take them away. It was the Weimar Republic that brought in gun controls, ironically enough — to stem the growing Nazi menace. Hitler actually loosened gun laws. He even thrust guns into the hands of teenagers toward war’s end, when there was a desperate need for warm bodies to feed to his cannons. Feel stupid yet, Larry? You should, because you are. PS: Nice non-apology, too. Can we please kill that “if anyone was offended” bit? Of COURSE people were fucking offended that you called gun-control advocates Nazis! And we’re also offended that you made shit up and put horrible words in mouths that never said them. Larry, you fucking LIED. Apologize for that, you craven coward.

35. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Yes, I still feel sorry for her. But that feeling-sorry evaporates whenever she opens her mouth and utters something so patently false and ridiculous. If marriage is for procreation, then how does she explain the fact that she managed to procreate without it, and that her doing so did NOT induce her reluctant boyfriend to tie the knot, but to flee her in the end and want nothing more to do with their son, either? Inconvenient truths, I know, but vital toward understanding just how silly and pointless her “defend marriage” agenda really is when you get right down to it.

36. Kay O’Fucking Connor. Why?

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That’s why. I respectfully suggest that if this is how she REALLY feels, she should live up to her ideals, set an example, and step down. And in future, let her husband do all the talking, voting, thinking and decision-making for her. And if she doesn’t like it, maybe she’d like to rethink that and retract it. Think she will?

And finally, to all the wankers I’ve met on Facebook this last week and had the pleasure of blocking for your misanthropy, your anti-choice misogyny (which is especially pathetic in a woman!), or your stupidity on climate change. I don’t know what’s in your water, but if I were you, I’d get it tested. Clearly SOMETHING is eating your brains. And I do not want to be forced to swallow the same poison, least of all on my friend-feed.

Goodnight, and get fucked!