Wankers of the Week: Icky Ricky gets licky

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Don’t you just love that .gif? I can’t seem to stop watching it, it exerts the strangest fascination. (Especially when set to music.) And just look at the color of that ice cream, too. Can he really not have known what would happen if he stuck that thing in his mouth while the cameras were on him? But he’s not the only one who’s had a WTF-was-he-thinking? moment, as this week’s wankapedia shows all too clearly. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Geert Fucking Wilders. Not content to hate on just the Muslims anymore, he’s now trained his beady little sights on the “Central and Eastern Europeans”. Next up: Jews and Gypsies? Wouldn’t surprise me if he secretly hates them already. PS: Central Europeans? That’s GERMANS. The Oder River is the dividing line between Central and Eastern Europe. So he’s geographically as well as ethnoculturally stupid and bigoted. Why does this Nazi hate the Germans? Oh yeah, that’s right: It was a bunch of Germans who accurately pegged him for a fascist!

2. Rick Fucking Santorum. Ass Sploodge keeps frothing away. This week, it’s all about how he plans to home-school his kids at the White House. Keep dreamin’, Icky Ricky, you’re only ever going to get in there the same way as everyone else…AS A GUEST. As for your children’s schooling, you’d do well to put them in a REAL school, because your brand of theocratic ignorance does NOT deserve to get passed down through another generation, and what you’re inflicting on them is a mental form of child abuse. PS: Citing racist Charles Fucking Murray in a debate doesn’t help either. PPS: Ha, ha. PPPS: For someone so devout, Icky Ricky sure is a bad Catholic.

3. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. They lied about picketing Whitney Houston’s funeral, and posted a photoshopped twitpic to bolster their false claim? What on Earth is their excuse for bearing false witness — expressly forbidden by the Ten Commandments? BTW, this is hardly the first time they did that. That would be when they claimed that God Hates Fags. SINNERS!!!

4. Vic Fucking Toews. Oh noes, he feels threatened! He wants an investigation! Man up, Vic, the worst thing you’re in for is a rehash of your embarrassing indiscretions from a few years back. The only real threat you face is a bit of humiliation. Which, given your ongoing blather about Family Values and warrantless, secret Internet surveillance and child pornographers, you frankly deserve. PS: Wimp. And BARF. PPS: Serves him right. All of it.

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5. Lamar Fucking Smith. If you wonder who’s to blame for #4’s draconian legislation, now you know. The SupposiTories do NOTHING without waiting for marching orders from the Repugnican behemoth to the south of us.

6. Tom Fucking Brown. You know that Kinky Friedman song, the one that goes “I am just an asshole from El Paso”? Applies here, but without the ironic humor.

7. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Yay, that defamation lawsuit Shirley Sherrod filed against him will NOT be dismissed. Let’s see how pickled he is when he finally shows up in court…IF he shows up. I can just see him in contempt, can’t you?

8. Frank Fucking Luntz. Should be run over with a car for being such a fucking racist. Run, Frank, run…oh wait, you’ve had too many Happy Meals. You’re too fucking fat. SPLAT!

9. Alice Fucking Stewart. Icky Ricky’s flack is just as crazy fucking stupid as he is, apparently. Or as prone to foot-in-mouth disease. Take your pick.

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10. Liz Fucking Trotta. Nope, last week was no fluke. This week, she doubled down on the dumbth and clarified for us the fact that she lacks any clarity at all. BTW, if war turns men into rapists — and this is one point I might concede to her, because rape IS used as a weapon of war — then the logical thing to do is not ban women from military service, but END ALL FUCKING WARS. I don’t recall hearing her call for world peace, though, do you? (See what I mean by lack of clarity?)

11. Bob Fucking Morris. Ye Gods, all these right-wing asshats hating on the Girl Scouts are making me wish I had been one back in the day. I would totally clean up on merit badges for birth control, gay-positivity, radical politics, and general badassery.

12. Richard Fucking Steinberg. If sexting ever falls out of fashion on the grounds of sheer yuckitude, you’ll know whom to blame, right?

13. Vincent Fucking Hendricks. What philosophy is best illustrated with “slutty” schoolgirls posing behind Professor Pretentious? SEXISM! Because hey — what could be more logical?

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PS: Nice “I’m sorry you’re all such humorless twats” non-apology, too. And please explain to me what is so “untraditional” about the above. Oh wait, the cameraphone! Oh dude, you’re so edgy. That just makes me look at bevies of scantily-clad girls clustered around creepy dominant males in a whole new light!

14. Newt Fucking Gingrich. “Pay yourself first” does NOT mean “use campaign contributions”, Tiffany-turd. PS: Give Callista her opinion back!

15. Michael Fucking Coren. Oh joy, I was wondering when he’d rear his ugly-ass head again. It is literally ugly-ass; you could draw a line down the middle of it and make it look like, well, an ugly ass. And apparently, that’s where he’s been keeping it all this time, pulling it out only long enough to accuse Teh Jewwwwwws of controlling Hollywood in the midst of a whine to the tune of “Why Don’t Those People Appreciate Us Good Catholics”. Gee, Michael, I don’t know, but I’m guessing that blood libel pertaining to the crucifixion of Jesus might have something to do with it. Plus a whole raft of other stuff that happened during World War Fucking Two. I wonder what his putzy pal, Ezra Fucking Levant, will say…if he says anything.

16. Ann Marie Fucking Tomlins. Need any more proof that “right to life” people are, in fact, just anti-awesome assholes? Look no further. And don’t forget to pledge your support for Kandace Hagen, if you haven’t already.

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17. Paris Fucking Hilton. Bitch, please. That shit ain’t art, it’s just a sad bid for attention from a talentless barfly. Back to obscurity you go!

18. John Fucking Sullivan. Yeah, death threats and threats of violence and guns to the head are a GREAT way of getting shitty budgets passed. Why did no one think of it sooner?

19. Ronald B. Fucking Leighton. Thanks a pantload, yeronner, for valuing unscientific asshats’ “conscience” over the well-being of the women who come to buy contraceptive medicine from them. Anyone who’s unwilling to dispense Plan B because they mistakenly believe it causes abortion (in fact, it prevents it by preventing pregnancy!) hasn’t got the mental qualifications to be a pharmacist. And anyone who sides with them on the bench hasn’t got the mental qualifications to be a judge.

20. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Oh look, Floppyhair McBowtie the Superannuated Fratboy has piped up again. And the tune is “Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran”. Where have I heard that one before?

21. Peter Fucking MacKay. If you’re going to invite Liberal MPs along on your military-exercises-cum-fishing-trips, the least you could do is not turn around and try to defame them for only telling the truth about you and your high-cost efforts at ass-coverage. But then again, I can’t really think of any better way of putting it than my best friend did, who sent me the link: “Does Harper’s team require that their members all be certifiable self-entitled morons?” Yes. Yes, it DOES. In fact, it seems to be a cardinal trait of conservatives in general. So it makes perfect sense for the Conservative Party of Harpolandia™ to be self-selecting in that regard.

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PS: And he’s a cowardly fucking weenie who can’t bear a little media questioning. Another cardinal Conservative trait and Harper Government™ specialty!

22. Michael Fucking Sona. All hail the Harper Government™! Yea verily, it hath rolled out it first robocalling, election-thieving scapegoat. And hello, Joe, whaddya know…he’s a repeat offender. Seems to me I’ve seen his name before, and I bet I’ve listed it here before, too! Let’s hope he gets mad at his bosses and spills the beans on how he was just following their orders, and yadda yadda yadda.

23. Willie Fucking Gandara, Jr. It’s long been axiomatic that tough anti-drug laws only work to the benefit of traffickers, by enabling them to jack up the prices on their contraband merchandise. Now, it’s also axiomatic that politicians who champion such drug laws are drug traffickers themselves, if not on the take, and thus, benefiting directly. How very convenient, eh?

24. David Fucking Albo. His wife has the right idea; if I were married to something like that, and it went and voted for legislation requiring unnecessary, rapey vaginal ultrasounds for all women seeking abortion, I wouldn’t give it any nooky either. And if it went talking shit about me in the state legislature like that, I would never give it any fucking nooky ever again. Come to think of it, this is a brilliant strategy for defeating the entire anti-choice movement. Lysistrata, ladies!

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25. Bill Fucking Koch. My gosh, there’s a THIRD Fucking Koch Brother? And he’s even scummier than Charles and David? Well, I never. And now I have, and so have you. Shield your virgin eyes, kiddies, this one is dirrrrrrTAY. (You may want a unicorn chaser after reading that, to cleanse your affronted mind. Here ya go, enjoy.)

26. Karen Fucking Santorum. Again with the fucking theocracy! Honey, God don’t work like that. If “God’s will” (or God swill) had anything to do with it, there’d be no such thing as presidential elections. Instead, a disembodied hand would just come out of the clouds and crown him, or something.

27. Franklin Fucking Graham. With his daddy, the pet hate (not revealed in polite company, but known to Tricky Dick, of course) was Teh Jewzzzzz; with Frankie, it’s Teh Muslimzzzzz. And of course, the racist dog-whistles are remarkably similar. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose…

28. Mitt Fucking Romney. Cadillacs (plural!) are a measure of averageness? Um, no. And I should know, since my grandpa had one. He couldn’t afford it when he was just an average working stiff in post-war Germany; it wasn’t until he became a Canadian and our socialized medical system enabled him and his sons to go into business that he finally became rich enough to afford that bronze Brougham d’Elegance. Just one more sad instance of how out of touch Mittens is. PS: Sending his wife to debate for him doesn’t help.

29. The silly-ass fucking troll who pooped here. Dude, if you’re gonna lob around wild accusations like that (framed as insults to MY intelligence, no less!), the least you could do is offer concrete proof of your hare-brained theories. And if it came courtesy of Alex Fucking Jones, it will automatically get you written off as a fucking dumbass. (Not that it wouldn’t anyway. A Ukrainian feminist group, connected to Cointelpro? Fuck off. Seriously.)

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And finally, Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh, as usual, nothing’s proved…YET; but the truth is, he ordered those robocalls and harassing fake-Liberal crank calls. After all, he had an election to steal and a fake majority to gain, and he knew full well that he wasn’t going to get it the honest way. So he can’t claim innocence here, and if he says it was only a few bad apples, it’s time our media took a closer look at the SupposiTory barrel. It is rotten from the bottom right up to the top, and they learned it from their Repugnican mentors south of our borders. Vote fraud is their signature move. Now, how the hell do we go about impeaching each and every last one of these fuckers who stole our democracy, pissed on it, and are turning us into a closed society one fascist point at a time? We now have all 14, and if we have another election when this term is up (and that is MUCH too far away!), it could be even more corrupted than the last one. Motherfucker wasn’t kidding when he said we wouldn’t recognize this country when he got through with it; I don’t recognize it anymore as is.

Good night, and good luck, because oh gawd, we are SO fucked!