Wankers of the Week: Beware the Sluts of March

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Crappy weekend, everyone…crappy St. Paddy’s Day to all…and especially all you slutty, slutty sluts out there. Because hey, if we’re gonna go by the Pigman’s definition of what constitutes sluttitude, then we’re all in it together, right? And that makes us a bunch of sluts to watch out for. And who’s afraid of sluts? Why, wankers, of course. And here’s who’s feeling the fear this week, in no particular order:

1. Gary Fucking McCoy. Crappy cartoonist working with false facts draws crappy cartoon that still manages to (hideously) resemble its subject — a young woman law student from Georgetown U. — enough to make it quite clear that yes, he thinks she’s a slut and a hypocrite. Along with all the other right-wing nutters who think so. Well, someone here is certainly a hypocrite, but it’s not Sandra Fluke. Who, I hope, will sue McCoy right out of his position as an overpaid crap doodler of fashionable right-wing libels. That is, as soon as she graduates into that plummy $160,000 a year job he thinks all law students are just going to be handed as soon as they pass the bar exam. In what strange parallel universe, I wonder?

2. Arcides Fucking Santiago. Bad cops are often literally wankers, and this one was caught on camera doing just that. Hilariously, he also campaigned (unsuccessfully) for a city council spot, on a platform of “transparency and accountability”.

3. Huw Fucking Evans. Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Married, middle-aged doctor gets caught on the couch in his office, boinking his secretary. Who is also, by interesting coincidence, also a former patient of his. To whom, of course, he is NOT married. Ostensibly the doctor is separated from his spouse and recently got back from a vacation more irritable, rather than relaxed as one would expect. So of course he dealt with the stress the only way he knew how (and how original that was!) And does he regret it? Oh yes…he regrets not locking the door.

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4. Peter Fucking Van Loan. So, election rigging is now an inappropriate matter for questioning in the House of Commons? But of course. That would be giving the fraudulence of the Harper Government™ and its leading secret for success away. Mustn’t let a pesky little thing like democracy interfere with our chronic lack of accountability, must we?

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. All her leg-showing gambits for another vice-presidential nomination going nowhere fast, the Quitbull With Lipstick predictably falls back on another tried-and-not-so-true strategy to keep her full-of-fail self in the spotlight: claiming her words were taken out of context by someone who merely played them back verbatim. She should be thankful they didn’t play back the whole thing; it’s much worse than the excerpts. PS: And another failed strategy: Facebook faceplanting!

6. Ryan Fucking McDougle. If you want to know who to blame for Virginia’s latest regressive “personhood” and transvaginal ultrasound nonsense, blame him. And don’t forget to send him your used menstrual supplies, ladies!

7. Jedidiah Fucking Jenkins. Y’know, dude, if you’re gonna promise an interview in which you explain all to a media outlet trying to hold Kony 2012 accountable for, you know, its accounts, the first rule of business is to follow the hell through. The second is to learn to e-mail in a professional manner, because in lieu of the interview you wouldn’t give, that media outlet just might publish the contents of your e-mails instead. And those e-mails might just make you look like a fucking idiot.

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8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Speaking of Joseph Kony and fucking idiots, the Pigman’s massive gaffe of a few months ago deserves a not-so-instant replay this week, because he actually defended the bastard then. Any stupid-ass pretext will do when you’re trying to attack His Barackness and insinuate that he’s a Muslim at war with Christians, eh Rush? PS: This makes me snicker, too.

9. Debbie Fucking Lesko. More proof that Aryanfuckingzona is circling the toilet drain: Repugnican woman proposes law allowing employers to snoop into their employees’ sex lives. And if they find you taking the Pill for non-medical (i.e. contraceptive) reasons, and they don’t like that, they can fire you. Hey, it’s a “right to work” state, and that means that not only does the “small” Republican government get the right to snoop into your uterus, so does your fucking employer.

10. Abby Fucking Johnson. Speaking of snooping into uteri, guess what this previously listed wanker’s next act is since defecting from Planned Parenthood to join the leagues of the anti-choicers? Yup…SUING Planned Parenthood. Frivolously, of course. What else can you call it when she’s specifically attacking the PP branch that she used to run, accusing it of filing 87,000 “false, fraudulent or ineligible” claims…on HER watch? Isn’t that self-incrimination? Oops — better plead the Fifth, Abby! No, wait, wouldn’t that mean dropping the fucking suit? Oh, dang. Unforeseen consequences are unforeseen!

11. Laren Fucking Poole. Oh look, another Kony 2012/Invisible Children clown appears in a bad light. And this one’s an accused cheater who, according to this item, “swings both ways”. Isn’t all that kind of not allowed by your fundie religion, dude?

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12. Randall Fucking Terry. Dude. Seriously. Do NOT make videos. Do NOT rant. Just shut the fuck up and go the hell away, ‘kay?

13. Don Fucking Pridemore. Yeah, old man, I can tell you’re a great expert on the subject of domestic violence. Your stupid dickishness totally gives it away. Abused women do NOT need to fall back in love with their abusers, because that will NOT make them stop abusing. They need to fall the fuck OUT of love, for good, and get the hell away from the bastards. FOR GOOD. Even if it wrecks your cozy ideas of what a family is supposed to look like. Capisce?

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Y’know, for someone who rails on about how all things sex-related are leading to the downfall of society and shit, RickyLeaks sure eats an awful lot of awfully phallic foods. On camera, no less. How this is supposed to lend credibility to his anti-porn ravings, I do not know. (Nor do I know what that thing in his hands is. Yikes!) PS: Espuma de mierda, vete pa’l carajo. Puerto Rico is not going to be changing its name to “Port Rick”, EVER. Also, EWWWWWWWWW!

15. Leon Fucking Wieseltier. Yes, let’s bomb Syria and Iran into an acceptably western state of “democracy”. Worked so well for Iraq and Afghanistan, didn’t it? I mean, what else are impoverished kids from across the Fruited Plain gonna do in the name of Character Building, propping up American Exceptionalism, and shit like that? (BTW, Wieseltier is German for weasel. Seems so fitting, somehow.)

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16. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Objectively pro-rape. As well as pro-wifebeating. What else is there to say?

17. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. Finally, a marriage made in heaven…er, hell…or wherever it is that fundies do their dealings with Satan. They’re buying ad space on Rush Fucking Limbaugh’s show, citing “natural affinities”! At this rate, they’re going to tank not only their own cult, but his, too. Niiiiiiiice. PS: God hates dittoheads!

18. Tom Fucking Corbett. His attitude on state rape, a.k.a. unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds prior to abortion? “Just close your eyes.” Yes, really…that’s his advice to women undergoing it. Even if they’re rape survivors and the mere presence of the probe is a PTSD trigger. I’d like to say the same thing to him. Preferably while subjecting him to a splintery broomstick where the sun don’t shine.

19. The Fucking US Conference of Catholic Bishops. Yes, the whole damn bunch. Because all of them, apparently, are all about the ridiculous notion that religious freedom means the freedom to impose their own medieval religious strictures on everyone else. And especially on Catholic women, who — shocker!use artificial birth control at almost the exact same rates as their non-Catholic counterparts.

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20. Rick Fucking Perry. Crotch is about to find out the hard way what Lysistrata was all about. But then again, maybe he’s not only too dumb to know of Aristophanes; rumor has it that he’s also partial to rentboys. PS: And he doubles down on the dumbth! This is gonna be good.

21. Brooks Fucking Bayne. Want to freak out a teabagger? Get yourself a Jewish boyfriend. Sandra Fluke apparently has one. And apparently, that somehow makes her part of some vast Jewish socialist slut conspiracy to TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD!!! PS: Oh my. Someone certainly has himself some, uh, Manhood Issues! Sounds like a screaming closet case to me.

22. Pat Fucking Robertson. Oh great, Patwa thinks I’m a virus now. Me and that Jewish socialist boyfriend of my dreams both, apparently. How much longer do you plan on fucking with us, O Cthulhu?

23. Bradlee Fucking Dean. Presentation on the evils of bullying: Ur doin it rong. Srsly STFU. PS: ‘Tis a pertinent question, that it is…

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24. Jude Fucking DeAngelo. Cluepon for ya, old celibate-boy: Condoms are not a ticket entitling the bearer to a free date rape. And really, when’s the last time you heard someone say “Oops, I better not rape this one, I don’t have a rubber and she might get preggers”?

25. Marcel Fucking Guarnizo. And while we’re on the subject of closeted queens with unChristian attitudes, how about this one? Doubling down on the nastitude after denying a woman communion because she lived with a same-sex partner? AND mouthing back at his churchly superiors? Whatever happened to that vow of obedience, there?

26. Michael Fucking Pena. Want a good look into the twisted mind of a rapey cop? Then take a gander at this one. He got upset when arrested for sexual assault, but he called it “cheating with another girl”. Yes, really. And look! This one has “cheated” before. On the job. Of course.

27. Cary Fucking Sherman. Draconian dastard wants to make damn good and sure that entertainment industry honchos to own the Internets, and that you go to virtual prison for the slightest infraction. At this rate, their product is going to attract nothing but flies, and they’ll be lucky to get even that. Because, y’know, it’s already shit and all.

And finally, to all you “conscience clause” supporters out there. This is what you’re actually supporting, and it’s only a matter of time before it bites all of you in the ass:

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“Freedom of religion” — gotta love it.

Good night, and get fucked!

2 Comments

    • Sabina Becker says:

      Heehee, I saw that. Mark Morford is fabulous. I’m not even kinky, as far as I know, but I was all set to answer the call.

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