Wankers of the Week: Nits, twits and two-faced gits

Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Day Between Marijuanukkah and Earth Day, too, for whatever this is worth. Apparently, about as much as those “Arrest Kony” posters, since there was supposed to be a huge blitz on that yesterday, and the motherfucker’s still running loose. And so are all of these other good-for-nothing motherfuckers, in no particular order:

1. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Go away, you horrid wench. And stop talking about insults to other women, and that racist “tar baby” shit, too. Your entire political career has been nothing but one big insult to female intelligence, and it’s time that it ended. In earnest.

2. Allan Fucking Hunsperger. Go away, you horrid homophobe. And stop talking about gay “sinners”. Your political career should be aborted and cast into the Lake of Fire before it even gets a chance to begin. PS: You’re on the wank-list, baby, you were born that way. PPS: Sorry, we don’t believe you!

3. The Fucking King of Spain. Can someone please explain to me how the honorary president of the WWF of Spain gets to go on an actual shooting safari in Botswana…and I don’t mean the camera kind? Qué vergüenza. Yeah, definitely grounds for a resignation. (Unearned privilege is also a fuckery.) PS: Wankpology is still wanky.

Yes, they have demotivational posters in Spain, too. This one reads: The King of Spain. He won’t speak clearly, but he’s more famous than you and makes 1000 times more than you.

4. John Fucking Baird. Yay, he issued a plea for clemency on behalf of a Canadian citizen sentenced to death in Iran! What a pity he wouldn’t do the same for one on Death Row in the US. Two-faced Squealer!

5. Katie Fucking Roiphe. Yes, AGAIN. This time for her pulled-from-the-ass conclusion (she draws no other kind!) that a certain crappily-written BDSM vampire fanfic repackaged as “mommy porn” is somehow an escapist product of the “demands” of the feminist movement. No, it is NOT. It is the product of intense and overblown hype on the part of marketers looking to sell a boring-ass smut book. Nothing less, nothing more.

6. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Double Fucking, due to doublepluswank. First off, blowing up downtown Oslo AND going on a shooting rampage at a youth camp is not, under any circumstances, construable as “self-defence”. The government buildings of Oslo were not attacking you, and neither were those Social Democrat kids. In fact, pictures of the crime scenes show the exact opposite. And secondly, pleading “self-defence” while simultaneously refusing to recognize the laws of a country that is going to go right on being multicultural no matter what you say? Yup, that is an incredible bit of mental masturbation right there. I’m sure it makes perfect sense in the land of busted cuckoo clocks that is the fascist xenophobe “community”, but out here in the real world, it’s grounds for permanent incarceration in a max-security prison. Preferably the psychiatric wing.

7. James Fucking Jeffery. At the risk of pointing out the blinding motherfucking obvious, let me point out that abortion is not a “product”, nor is it “skilfully marketed and sold to women at the crisis time in her life” [sic]. It is a medical procedure, chosen by women who require no marketing whatsoever to convince them that a pregnancy “at the crisis time” (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean) is a bad idea. As for it being profitable, if that were true, abortion providers would all be riding around in chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royces, able to delegate the car-bomb check to a platoon of Blackwater guards, like the corporate CEOs do. And while we’re on the subject of motherfucking blinding obvious, abortion is NOT “murder”, as murder, by legal definition, requires malice aforethought. You know, like hacking into a confidential database of medical providers and patients and threatening to make it all public, just because you can’t fucking agree with your own sister making a decision for herself, one that was not yours to fucking make?

8. and 9. The Fucking Romneys. Why?

That’s why. Talk to us about struggling when you don’t know where your next paycheque is coming from, you two. Until then, STFU. PS: Ewwww. PPS: Oh, Mittens. Mittens, Mittens, MITTENS.

10. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Of all the people in the world to get bitten by a penguin, I can’t think of anyone more richly deserving.

11. Jennifer Fucking Stefano. Never mind the little old F-bomb; Bob Beckel was right. The one with no personal responsibility is the Tea Party twit who really doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about, and can’t be bothered to learn, because all she can do is spout teabagger talking points. INCESSANTLY. Including that typical ‘winger slam that goes: “Typical liberal. No personal responsibility”. Why not just replace her with a tape recorder?

12. Stephen Fucking Harper. Even a non-partisan thing like the Charter of Rights and Freedoms has become politicized under the Harper Government™. He won’t celebrate its anniversary because of “divisions” he and his New Conservative Party™ themselves created around it? And he actually thinks it was Dief’s baby? Um, no. Sorry. Dief didn’t patriate our Constitution from England, nor did he embed the Charter in it upon doing so. And no doubt Harpo is bitter because he can’t do so himself, nor rewrite the thing to his own liking. Talk about divisive.

13. Yasir Fucking Mehmood. Some people commit identity theft in the hopes of getting rich. Others, in the hope of getting laid. Him? So he can furnish his home with stuff that does what his own hands could do for so much less. And now, where he’s going, he’s gonna have to use his hands anyway.

14. Joe Fucking Oliver. One man’s “streamlined process” is everybody else’s rubber stamp of censorship. And the environment’s loss. Not that he or his boss, ShitHead (#12), seriously care.

15. Ted Fucking Nugent. Being an NRA member makes you a de facto racist (check its history if you don’t believe me; also check out who shows up at its conventions, and who they hang out with). Uttering assassination threats? Um, yeah, that too. Plus a murderous fucking asshole. Ted, shut up, go home, do some more drugs, and soil your britches some more. You’re less obnoxious that way. PS: You forgot your hooded sheet and swastika, dipshit. PPS: A child rapist, too? Time this SOB stopped getting away with shit.

16. Kim Fucking Kardashian. That name, and the words political career, should never be placed side by side. Ever, ever, EVER.

17. Ron Fucking Leech. Why?

That’s why. Newsflash: Being white (and RACIST) does not mean you speak for everyone! Not even in Alberta, fergawdsakes.

18. Allen Fucking West. Oh sure, Ted Fucking Nugent made all kinds of wild, racist death threats against His Barackness, including shooting and beheading. But that’s no sign of “ill will”, even if he did incite a crowd of fellow teabag dumbasses to acts of murder and treason. What kind of a fucked-up notion of “patriotism” includes such barbaric behavior and even sees it as normal free expression and, Bog help us all, benevolent? And who is so goddamned fucking dumb as to vote for another McCarthyite witch-hunter in this day and age?

19. Dana Fucking Loesch. Hey stoopid, I’m a leftist woman, and I’ve never been raped, not even by a rightard trying to “teach” me a “lesson”. You, on the other hand, have been fucked in the head so many times by right-wing nuts who want to scare all women back to the kitchen that you don’t know which end of you is up anymore. And yeah, nice Bitefart shirt. He was nothing but a raging drunk, and you think he had a “message”? How does such an absolute idiotess get hired by the Chicken Noodle Network? Oh yeah…Fair and Balanced. ’nuff said. PS: Stay classy, bitch.

20. Scott Fucking Walker. So, Ted Fucking Nugent was the “best part” of the Fucking NRA convention? I’d hate to see what the worst was. But I’d love to see your ass tarred and feathered out of office. Can’t come any too soon now…

21. The Fucking Vatican. Who the hell cares about the poor? Nuns are supposed to be in the business of gay-bashing and slut-shaming. Didn’t you American sisters get the memo? Uppity feminists.

22. Hunter Fucking Moore. Who’s afraid of a widdle old class-action lawsuit? Oh wooky, I see somebody who is! Hahahahaha. And still a fucking asshole, too. Quel surprise…

23. David Randall Fucking Chaney. Not only is he one of about a dozen Secret Service Missing-Links-in-suits who thought their trip to Colombia was all about the hooker-shopping (and supporting your local drug- and human-trafficking cartels), he also made a point of posting a picture on Facebook of him eyeballing the Paliness’s backside when he was supposed to be watching the people around her for potential threats. Complete with lewd remarks about how he was “really checking her out, if you know what I mean”. Yeah, Dave, we really do. Really.

24. Brad Fucking Seng. Grodiest. Slut-shamer. EVER.

25. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Well, I know one woman who is NOT a “natural exhibitionist”, because there is NO FUCKING WAY IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS that I would even bare an ankle in front of this dirty old coot. Who, coincidentally, happens to be a million fucking years old. Hence my unwillingness. Can you blame me?

26. Bachir Fucking Boumaaza. Instead of sitting around videogaming and tweetbombing your charity spam all over other cyberpeople (like Xeni Jardin, who, heaven knows, has enough on her plate right now), how about just forking over more of your own cash to that charity of your choice, and (politely) urging your Twitter followers to do the same? Too polite for ya? Not Kony-esque enough?

27. and 28. Camille Fucking Chidiac and Rema Fucking Dupont. Who? Oh, only two of the Pentagon’s numerous professional cybertrolls. This brother-sister team run a crapaganda firm specializing in dirty smears against anyone the Pentagon wants anonymously smeared. Not so anonymous now, and bound to need a new profession soon, if the law catches up to them as it damn well should.

And finally, to my latest troll, calling himself “Joe Canada”, alias super2cool@excite.com, at 24.69.167.139. Joe is, in his own words, a “pissy little cunt”. He’s also in dire need of medication and a restraint jacket. Poor widdle thing, he thinks I’m a “liberal”. (Try SOCIALIST, Joe. Boogaboogabooga!) And it’s painfully obvious that he is a little new to the Internets, because he thinks stupid, unself-aware shit like this would actually upset me:

Unfortunately, Joey Dearest is about to find out the hard way that I don’t fuck around. I can and WILL trace his dim-witted ejaculations to his home town (Parksville, BC), and forward all confirmation e-mails to the abuse address of his ISP (Shaw Cable…figures!), getting his tiny penis cut off from any further wanking material. He also doesn’t realize that I have a spam folder specially designated for abusive trolls like him on my home computer. Just, you know, in case a criminal or civil case ever needs to be made against anybody who harasses me. That IS a criminal offence, Joe, in case you wonder. And no, “freedom of speech” is NOT an excuse. Meanwhile, there’s always Glinda in my trusty ban filter. You’ll be seeing a lot of her if you try to come back. This is all the shrift you’re gonna get from me, Joe, so enjoy your public humiliation. And your lonely gay sex fantasies, too.

Good night, and get fucked! (You need it worse than you think I do.)