Wankers of the Week: Cinco de Morons

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a happy Cinco de Mayo to all who celebrate. And look! Out the window! It’s a full Moon! You know what that means…it means the weirdos are out in force. And sure enough, here they come, in no particular order…

1. Clive Fucking Palmer. Oh sure, build another Titanic! What could possibly go wrong? Let’s not forget that megalomania and stupidity were what sank the original. On second thought, let’s forget…because wouldn’t it be the most awesome adventure to watch a boatload of money go down with the ship?

2. Davis Fucking Williams. Dude, when people say there’s a party in their pants, they don’t mean a fucking mobile meth lab.

3. Alex Fucking Wiles. What do you get when you pit the Second Amendment against the First? Bullet holes everywhere, and a gun-totin’ homophobic yahoo’s video goin’ viral on the Internets. Yeeeeeehaw!

4. Rob Fucking Ford. With his credibility shot, and running out of good ways to pander to rednecks in the GTA, Robbo is now railing against lifesaving no-brainers like lowering the fucking speed limit on the local thoroughfares. And given that Toronto is overrun with insane drivers anyway, it’s a no-brainer to see why that’s a no-brainer. But since Robbo panders to road-warriors, well…would it be a no-brainer to conclude that he has no brains? PS: Or scrambled brains. Srsly, WTF?

5. Haley Fucking Barbour. What is he, a closet Mormon? No one gets to appropriate Anne Frank to THEIR religion. NO FUCKING ONE!

6. Michael Fucking Coren. I’m not saying he’s a washed-up old fascist skinhead hack but…oh, who am I kidding? He fucking well IS, and he’s too fucking cowardly to admit it, which is why I hold him in deep fucking CONtempt. And if you want to talk “extreme and talentless”, Mikey, you’re IT. Good thing you’ve got your fellow hacks at SunMedia to publish your snotty maunderings, because no one else will. And your professional jealousy of Silver Donald Cameron is most unbecoming, although it’s also quite unsurprising. He has his finger on a pulse; you have yours up your bum. But thanks for turning me on to the Chronicle Herald, I like it; it’s a paper that tells it like it is.

7. Joe Fucking Oliver. Ah, the hard-knock life of a SupposiTory lapdog. All the oil-industry champagne you can guzzle, all the oil-industry caviar you can snarf, and all the oil-soaked duck à l’orange you can lick off your oily, oily paws. “Elegant”, yeah, that’s the word for it. Doggie wanna Milk-Bone? Roll over and play dead!

8. Mike Fucking Schouten. The only law we need when it comes to abortion is one that keeps fetus-fetishizing control freaks out of our uteri. Especially ones with a history of racist exclusionism, not to mention perpetually sweaty hair, beady eyes, and creepy little chin-whiskers.

9. Chris Fucking Loesch. Boo fucking hoo. Cry a little louder, you big fat wimp. If you can’t fucking take it, don’t fucking dish it out!

10. Paulina Fucking Gretzky, again. Doesn’t she ever learn? Can’t she ever keep her clothes on? And doesn’t she have a job to do, or an education to complete, or something?

11. Jerry Fucking Smith. Does this nutty Texas judge use a penis pump under his judicial robes? It would explain a lot…

12. Greg Fucking Abbott. And in other dick-pump news, how about this one? Apparently he’s the one who swayed #11 — not that he needed much, since both are fanatical right-wing freakazoids.

13. Scott Fucking Walker. Trying to take credit for something that’s not your baby is a pretty big wank. Trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater first, then charging ostentatiously in to the “rescue”? Yup, doublepluswank.

14. Alex Fucking Castellanos. I would write more about this condescending turd, but I just found Rachel Maddow’s pwnage so satisfying. You will, too.

15. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Wow, what a “big win” — hounding Mittens’ token gay guy out of a job! Congratulations, Fishy, you purged the Party of the Closet…of one UNcloseted guy. Yeah, that’ll really show them uppity faggots…why gays should avoid conservatives like the poison they are. Pat yourself on your big old closeted back!

16. Sean Fucking Harris. Hey, I have a terrific idea: Let’s punch all the bible-thumpin’ homophobes and crack their wrists to make ’em limp! See how well that shoe fits when it’s on the other foot? PS: I don’t believe you. If you were joking, why is nobody laughing? PPS: I don’t believe this, either. Jesus said NOTHING about de-gaying the gays. And if it were a disease to be cured, don’t you think he could have cured it? He did with paralytics and lepers…

17. Ezra Fucking Levant. He has a new pantload — er, that is to say, a new BOOK — out. It is just as much of a pantload as all his previous scribblings, alas and alack. Long on self-righteous wind, and therefore suckitude; short on any facts that he actually bothered to dig out himself. Instead, he expends a lot of time and energy slamming my j-school classmate, Michelle Shepherd, who literally wrote the book on Omar Khadr. And who actually did all the fact-digging for Ezzy the Putz, when you get right down to it. Oh yeah, and he’s also short on CLASS. Surprise!

18. George Fucking Zimmerman. Looks like someone forgot to lock down his MySpace page. And thanks to the magic of the Internets, we now know beyond all shadow of a doubt that he is a racist and a sexist bigot, as well as a vigilante looking for trouble (and not above making it himself when he can’t find it). And for those who want to scream “But he’s Hispanic!”, cool your fucking jets. He hates the “Mexicans” too. Which is more than a little ironic, when you think about it…

19. Kyle Fucking Scott. It. Doesn’t. Matter. If. An. Accidental. Upskirt. Shot. Was. On. TV! You. Still. Have. No. Right. To. Use. It. To. Draw. Hits. To. Your. Shitty. Fucking. Blog.

20. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Fucking Unhinged. That is all.

21. Ruben Fucking Diaz. No, Hitler was NOT pro-choice. He deprived German women of the right to choose abortion (ever hear of Lebensborn, Ruben? Yeah, forced breeding is SO pro-choice!) And also, Jewish women, men and children of the right to decide whether to go on living in freedom, or die being starved and overworked and/or gassed. What is so fucking “pro-choice” about that, you fucking Godwin-violator? Honestly, this abortion-holocaust trope must fucking DIE.

22. Margaret Fucking Wente. It’s getting harder and harder for me not to type her name as “Twente”. Guess why.

23. Conrad Fucking Black. Privilege has its privileges, and nowhere is it more clear than when a convicted felon can buy his way back into Canada for just $200. He even got it fast-tracked while he was still in the clinker! (The Fucking Harper Government™, needless to say, is complicit in this wank.)

24. Joe Fucking Warmington. No, #23 does NOT “deserve his freedom”. What he actually deserves is a life sentence, because his entire life has been one long episode of bilking, swindling and ripping people off. His criminal career began when he was in prep school; he made extra pocket money by selling cheat sheets to his classmates. But of course, since only poor people can be hardened criminals, only poor people should make it to Millhaven. Isn’t that right, Joe?

25. Stephen Fucking Harper. Deny favoring #23 all you like — we still won’t believe you. He’s your crony, and you crony capitalists all stick together. And besides, you’ve made it quite clear that you plan to drag this country kicking and screaming back to its bad old “Child of Empire” days. Conrad Black is your Beaverbrook. Having a disgraced “Lord” (of noplace!) back on our turf is just the feather for your imperialist cap.

26. and 27. Jodie and Peter Fucking Bruntstetter. I’ve long suspected a skulking racist component to the anti-equal-marriage argument, so it’s kind of nice to see it put so baldly for a change. Unfortunately, banning same-sex marriage is not going to do a goddamned thing for the white birthrate, because (a) gay people will reproduce (or not!) whether or not you let them marry their true loves, and (b) straight people aren’t going to be motivated to reproduce just because you won’t let the queers marry, because (c) ALL people still need a means of supporting all those babies, and that’s not forthcoming from you right-wing idiots because you’re so fixated on stopping people from having non-reproductive sex that you’ve forgotten all about the fucked-up global economy. Which your people, incidentally, fucked. So yeah, I guess what I’m trying to say here is, go right on trying to stop the queers from marrying. In the end, the only “race” that’s going to die out is that of stupid fucking right-wing politicians.

28. David Fucking Vitter. Oh look, Diapers is back in the news! And he’s very uncomfortable about the Secret Service prostitution scandals, probably because they remind him too much of his own, which should have killed his career but somehow didn’t. Did I mention the diapers?

29. Peter Fucking Kent. No, environmental groups do NOT launder money. But I know one shitty hack of a so-called environment minister who washes brains on a regular basis!

30. Peter Fucking MacKay. And speaking of shitty ministers named Peter (and brains), this one decided to cut mental-health services for military vets. Right at a time when soldiers are returning from Afghanistan with PTSD. Given the high suicide rates among military vets, this could turn out to be so much worse than a wank. And of course, he will NEVER be held accountable. Have I mentioned yet today how much I hate these people?

31. Skyy Fucking Fisher. How the hell does such a sexist homophobe get elected to a school board in the first place? And why is he still in his seat? He called Trayvon Martin a faggot, and the local school superintendent a bitch. And that’s not all the embarrassing shit he said, by a long shot. Charming!

32. Patrick Fucking Lanzo. Suddenly, it’s not racist to flat-out call somebody a nigger anymore. Especially if you happen to advertise your bar as a Klan hangout. Well, then, I guess it’s not insulting if I call this guy an inbred, gap-toothed, cousin-fucking gomer, eh?

33. Ted Fucking Nugent. Why is this fucking pervert running loose? Why is he allowed to own firearms? Why is he not locked away and Thorazined within an inch of his miserable, no-good life? Whatever the reason, I don’t want him within a mile of me. My clit shrinks at the very sight of him.

34. Michele Fucking Bachmann. The Lord may nor may not have told her to get in the Repugnican presidential precandidacy race, but one thing is for certain — he had NO intention of letting someone so bat-shit crazy win. In fact, if I had to guess at any divine purpose behind that head-scratcher at all, I’d have to say he wanted her there so the whole fucking slate would look bad, and so that the least evil candidate — Obama — would eventually win.

35. Jan Fucking Brewer. And speaking of batshit crazy, you can’t get more so than to be a bitchy old bat who hates her own sex. Why else so much rubber-stamping for draconian anti-choice legislation?

And finally, to all the media morons and blogtards who’ve taken it upon themselves to prematurely announce Chavecito’s death, call him a dictator/authoritarian/terrorist/whatever, and speculate on who his “successor” will be. I realize that you’re in the business of writing obits ahead of the actual death of the decedent; I also realize you’re full of “rah rah U-S-A” shit. Could you please try not to do both simultaneously? I’m in serious danger of laughing myself to death every time I check my Google alert.

Good night, and get fucked!