Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how are we liking that whipsawing we all took this week? Israel attacked Gaza, then turned around and framed it as self-defence, inconveniently forgetting that some journalists like to keep timelines of nasty events like that. Then Hostess’s shitbag corporate owners decided to pull the plug for profit, and because none of them know fuck-all about running a baked-goods conglomerate. (All they know is greed. And how to scream like schoolyard bullies when their victims fight back.) On a more hopeful note, Hipster Beer may rescue the Ho-Ho, the Twinkie and the Ding Dong. And if worse comes to worst, there’s always Canada! So now you’ve got legal pot, cheapo beer, AND you won’t have to spend a fortune for hydrogenated vegetable oil num-nums of indefinite shelf life on eBay or, Bog help us all, learn to bake a better version for yourselves. WIN! Now, here come this week’s losers, in no particular order:
1. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. How funny and ironic is it that Rupee, who’s NOT Jewish, should go castigating Jewish media owners for not being sufficiently pro-Israel (and pro-Israeli-apartheid, and pro-war, and objectively pro-stoopid)? Gee, if only innocent people weren’t being killed over myths and bullshit, it might be good for a laugh and a half. Meanwhile, I’m not sure who these Jewish media owners are that he’s ragging on, but whoever they are, I think I like them. Being pro-peace and pro-humanity is tikkun olam…a concept with which ol’ Rupee is manifestly NOT acquainted, but righteous Jews surely are.
2. Yaakov Fucking Yosef. Meanwhile, on the subject of righteous Jews…here is one who isn’t. He comes right out and calls for the IDF to go slaughtering “enemies”. And can you believe he’s a RABBI? Oy, fucking VEY. PS: This is how you do tikkun olam, rebbe.
3. Gilad Fucking Sharon. Like father, like son. Ariel Sharon is (was?) a war criminal, and it looks like Sonny-Boy is following in the old fucker’s footsteps. Fortunately, unlike his old man, his power is limited to penning toxic op-eds, full of collective blame and calls for collective punishment. And if the editors of those Israeli papers are smart, they won’t stand for much more of THAT, either.
5. Michael Fucking Oren. Tweeted something idiotic? Blame an anonymous staffer. Even though you said something just about as moronic on CNN. Here’s a radical thought: How about shutting the fuck up about Hamas, and sitting down anyway, and NOT firing on Gaza yourself? Oh gee, a good example! No, we mustn’t set THAT. They might start thinking we’re reasonable human beings!
6. Lisa Fucking Biron. How to cover a multitude of sins, and crimes as well? Be part of an organization opposing gay rights and equal marriage. Oh, and in case you wonder what the crimes were: Will kiddie porn involving teenage girls do ya? How about drug possession, uttering death threats, illegal cross-border transportation of a minor, attempting to subvert justice, and plotting to flee to, of all places, CUBA (where they don’t care un carajo for Yanqui hypocrites and fugitives from justice)? Yup, it’s all in there. And it strikes me as singularly emblematic of all the stinking hypocrisy of the Religious Reich and its immoral soul. (And no, that penultimate word was NOT a typo.)
7. Austin Fucking Nimocks. And while we’re on the subject of #6 and her wankish ilk, how about this one? Homophobia is NOT a “religious freedom”. If a public official refuses to do his or her job and issue a same-sex couple a marriage licence, s/he should step aside and let the state hire someone else who WILL. When God pays taxes, THEN people can start injecting religion into politics. Not a single minute sooner.
8. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Guess who is NOT his father’s son, after all? And guess which party will not be getting my vote in the next election? Because if there is one thing I know for certain about Pierre Elliott Trudeau, it is that he would NOT have sold our nation’s natural resources off to a foreign owner.
9. Justin Fucking Bieber. Looks like the Bieb has finally hit puberty, because he’s all moody and hormoney as hell, and holding his breath till he turns blue like a two-year-old. Dude, quit whining. You’re rich, you have a kajillion girls screaming after your skinny little ass in those ridiculous fucking drop-crotch pants, you have a cute girlfriend whom you should be treating better. If it’s really so hard to live like that, you can afford to turn your back on it all and go grow up in private. In fact, maybe you should. The public is sick of hearing about it. PS: On second thought, the diaper-bum pants can’t possibly be tackier than THIS.
10. Pamela Fucking Weiss. Why?
Oh SNAP! That’s why. Forcing Anderson Cooper to do a battle of wits with an unarmed person is SO embarrassing.
11. Peter Fucking MacKay. Spending $2 million to find out how well your spending cuts are working? And STILL not canceling that fucking stupid F-35 boondoggle? Dude, I never thought I’d say this, but please go ride around in a SAR helicopter some more. And this time, don’t hang back from the open door while airborne.
12. Rob Fucking Ford. Sadly, his pratfall on the football field was the least wankish thing he’s done all week. And, bonus: He BOUNCED!
13. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, marriage-rights activists did not “wear down” anyone; common sense merely won out over fundie stupidity. And speaking of which, isn’t it time people finally realized that you can’t pray away the gay? Because this past week, we saw horrible hard evidence of that fact…
14. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Why?
You need new friends, lady. The gays have existed long, long, LONGER than Motherfucking Monsanto. And the genes that made them so are not found in their food, either.
15. Karen Fucking Handel. Oh joy, oh bliss, now she’s planning on going into politics! I have no doubt which side of the War On Women she plans to join.
16. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Poverty is not a weight-loss plan, you fucking idiot. And neither is flushing your brain down a toilet at FUX Snooze.
17. Pat Fucking Robertson. Yeah, Patwa, you missed God’s message about the election, all right. Just the way you’ve missed all God’s other messages. The message was SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND QUIT PUTTING YOUR WORDS IN GOD’S MOUTH. And how did you miss that? By not sitting down, not shutting up, and…well, you get the picture now, I hope.
18. Ross Fucking Douthat. Funny how he’s always prattling on about moral degeneracy, but never links it to capitalism…which happens to be the most morally degenerate economic philosophy of all. Now why is that? Oh yeah…he’s been hired by one of its biggest crapaganda organs to keep sticking Dutch-boy fingers into that ever-leaking dike. As long as you keep blaming individuals who don’t stack up to your system moralistically, you never have to examine the immoralities of the system itself.
19. and 20. Joshua Fucking Anderson and Jacob Fucking Provo. Stealing a 30-pound turkey is bad enough; stealing and killing a neighbor’s PET turkey (it had a name — Tom) is good for a wank-listing. And hopefully also lots of jail time.
21. Dale Fucking Schaffrick. As suggested by commenter Kirsten, here he is, Mr. Congeniality. How does one try to appear “less gay”? I don’t know, and I don’t think he does, either. But he apparently thinks it’s the answer to gay kids getting bullied in school. Yes, that’s right, put the onus on the victims, not the bullies! That would have been like telling me to grow my hair less auburn and curly, or to wear my glasses only at home. How did this fuckhead become a trustee? Oh yeah…it’s Alberta. Explains a lot. That’s the province where they vote for hard and harder right-wingers by rote. Do you suppose a bullying situation exists in their entire fucking political system? (I vote yes.)
22. Jason Fucking Kenney. And speaking of Alberta…whiny whiner is whiny. And wanky wanker is wanky.
23. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Speaking of whiny whiners and wanky wankers…ahhhhh, ’nuff said. Give that big baby a cyanide cookie. And some Milk of Magnesia to wash it down with.
24. Elizabeth Fucking Valle. There are times that I wonder why I’m not anybody’s mother, and then I look at how irrational and doting it makes some women, and I suddenly remember. Case in point: the would-be cannibal cop’s mom. Hello? Lady, your son turned out bad. He is a motherfucking MISOGYNIST! He was planning to roast women to death and eat them! Who the fuck cares if he loved his dog? If I were you, I’d be watching my back, because guys like this tend to have more mommy issues than Norman Fucking Bates.
25. Stephen Fucking Harper. Awarding a Queen’s Jubilee Medal to a snotty little turd who lip-syncs his shows and doesn’t know how to dress himself. If this is not a nadir, I don’t know what is.
And finally, to all the assholes who celebrated (US) Thanksgiving not by giving thanks for what they already had, but running out to buy a shit-ton more of what they really didn’t need. They abandoned kids in the parking lot, they threatened to stab people, they got into brawls, they even shot people. They neglected to support the striking Wal-Mart workers, and they forgot it was Buy Nothing Day. They even went out fucking clubbing, fergawdsakes. And the best part? They didn’t even realize that Black Friday is a massive bait-and-switch. It’s called that because that’s the day US big-box stores and chains recoup their expenses for the year. Yay, capitalism! You disgusting people are the reason the human race is doomed to choke to death in a pool of its own vomit and excrement. Please kill yourselves now and save Jesus the bother of sorting you out later, ‘kay?
Good night, and get fucked!