Wankers of the Week: The Most Blunderful Time of the Year

Crappy weekend, everyone! It’s that time of year again…that time when the minds of young and old turn lightly to wankery, while visions of sugarplums dance in their heads. And here’s who’s going to be getting coal (or worse) in their stockings this year:

1. Robert Fucking Zimmerman Jr. I just knew SOMEONE was gonna pull the defensive race card on the whole Trayvon Martin killing, and sure enough, the perp’s brother went there. I guess nobody told him about the tape where George is clearly heard calling Trayvon a “fuckin’ coon”. How much evidence of racism do you need before you have to admit that yes, it WAS a racist murder? And oh yeah: If accusing people of racism (with justification!) is so fucking lucrative, why am I not a millionaire? Where do I sign up to get me some of that alleged anti-racist cash? I could use it.

2. David Fucking Davies. Who cares whether parents WANT gay kids? If you want a kid, you want a kid, period. And if that kid turns out to be gay, so fucking what? If you can’t love a gay kid the same as a straight one, you have no right to be a parent to ANY kid. And in any case, you, sir, are “barking mad” yourself if you think you can stop the inevitable. Gays are getting married in Washington state, and the Spanish supreme court just ruled that same-sex marriage was absolutely constitutional. And here in formerly colonial Canada, we’ve had same-sex marriage for years, with ZERO harm to kids as a result. Put THAT in your teabag and drink it.

3. Rand Fucking Paul. No, Ashley Judd is not “way too damn liberal”. She is solidly in the mainstream of US political viewpoints. But methinks ol’ Aqua Buddha is way too fucking hypocritically conservative, and really needs to step away from the drugs for a bit to get back to reality.

4. Karie Fucking Kardasheman. Is that really her name? Sounds like she might be related to a certain klan of kookoobirds. And judging by her “opinions” on feminism — which can by no means be characterized as informed — it REALLY sounds like she could be one of them. Or at the very least, par for the course at the callow kiddie splash pool that is Thought Catalog (long time is TWO words which can be hyphenated, you “nobrow” know-nothings).

5. Tonette Fucking Walker. Normally, I’d be wank-listing her god-awful stupid fuckhead husband, the governor of Wisconsin (why the HELL has he not been drummed out of office yet?) — but this week, it’s HER turn. And when you get a whiff of the hypocrisy and chutzpah of her, I think you’ll agree that Tonette’s time has come. It’s one thing to brag about not renovating the gubernatorial mansion on the public purse (pun intended — she actually tried to finance her glitzy home makeover with a handbag auction!), and quite another to turn around when you think no one’s looking and just loot that mother for all you can get.

6. Lino Fucking Graglia. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the motherfucking phone. Blacks and Latin@s can’t compete with whites because some of them are raised by single parents and “failure is not looked upon with disgrace” in their alleged culture? Considering how much machismo both cultures actually possess, how many success stories they’ve produced (from single-parent households, even!), and how often I’ve heard denizens of both saying that “failure is not an option”, I have to ask: Is intellectual failure not looked upon with disgrace at the University of Texas? Or is it simply not failure if white people do it?

7. Steve Fucking Moxon. So, you call yourself an “independent researcher”, and your only claim to fame is an antifeminist screed? And the UK government is dumb enough to consider YOU an expert witness in hearings on sex discrimination in the workplace? Pah. Your lazy essentialist thinking ignores the fact that “sexual display” is not allowed in the workplace. And if the corporate hierarchy is set up to favor men, then the anarchist in me has absolutely NO problem watching that mediocre motherfucking world BURN. (And you and your dumb little book right along with it.)

8. Arthur Fucking Hamilton. Remember that name, kiddies — he’s the lawyer representing the Harper Government™ in a case that promises to leave the Conservatives with a massive, bleeding hole between their collective legs. When the only way you can defend your client is by attacking his accuser, that ought to be a pretty good indicator that you’ve already lost and are not taking it in good grace. It’s pretty obvious that the last federal election was a massive theft, as the Cons were hugely unpopular going in and not expected to do any better than a minority even smaller than their previous two. A “majority” (note the quotes) was not only unlikely, it was IMPOSSIBLE. Without theft, in any event. But hey! Let’s attack the defenders of democracy. What could possibly go wrong?

9. Glenn Fucking Beck. He’s got a “reality” (again, note the quotes) TV show coming out? Thanks for the warning. We won’t be tuning in.

10. John Fucking McAfee. Who’s the bigger attention whore, him or his interviewers? And who’s the bigger bungler? While those are open questions, what’s NOT under dispute is the fact that he’s a crazy druggie freak. And that he’s very likely the perp in the murder of a neighbor, a fellow US expat in Belize, who complained about the noise and drug-lab activities at McAfee’s place. Do innocent people flee to a neighboring country? (Nope, that’s NOT an open question; that’s a purely rhetorical one.) PS: Ha, ha.

11. Rick Fucking Perry. Those pink skeletons behind the closet door must be making quite the racket. Why else would Crotch Goodhair vow to babble up a storm about a subject that should concern him not in the least, seeing as he’s unlikely to ever make anyone preggers anyway? If you care so all-fired much about human life, Crotch, how about abolishing the death penalty in Texas and commuting all those poor bastards on Death Row?

12. Wayne La Fucking Pierre. Here’s a new twist on victim-blaming: More guns equals less violence! Only that one’s been around forever, and it’s been wrong the entire time. Oops! Nice try, Mr. Gun Industry Lobbyist. Next time, don’t point that thing at your own feet.

13. Steven Fucking Crowder. Unfunny “comedian” is a whiny-ass titty-baby. Which is what all schoolyard bullies are when their victims hit back. This, I’m sure, comes as a tremendous shock to anyone with a sufficiently low IQ to take FUX Snooze seriously. The rest of us kind of guessed it from his sanctimonious (and ICKY) screed about how absurdly proud he is of having waited till marriage to find out what a sexual snooze-fest he really is. PS: Surprise, surprise. The FUX video was heavily edited. What part(s) do you suppose they cut out? Hmmmm. PPS: Ha, ha. PPPS: Ha, ha, fucking HA. Way to pwn yourself, jackass.

14. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. And while we’re on the subject of FUX Snooze corporate cocksuckers who deserve a sucker-punch in the yap, there’s this racist, xenophobic pigoon. Maybe someone should post night-vision video of him lurking in a red-light district. Extra points if it’s a gay cruising one.

15. Greg Fucking Gutfeld. Another unfunny FUX Snoozer. This one, just to change things up, should be waterboarded. Or, as he might put it, “awesomeboarded”. Let’s see how cool he thinks torture is after having suffered the torments of the damned. You hold him down; I’ll get the bucket.

16. National Fucking Processing of America. We all know that call centres can be hellholes to work in, but did you know that they’re especially so if you’re pregnant? It’s true! This one won’t let you have bathroom breaks. Even if you have to pee and/or vomit frequently, as pregnant ladies have been known to do. That’s right, kiddies, bodily functions are now a “privilege”, and attending to them is not a right. This must be more of that Right to Work stuff that all the ‘wingers are so orgasmic about lately.

17. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Yes, him again. Can he ever go a week without a wank? No, he was apparently born with the compulsive urge to masturbate on the air; it is a defect he seems to have. If ever he stops, I will consider THAT a miracle of God. PS: No, God didn’t fail to intervene in the Connecticut school shooting out of “gentlemanly” refusal to go where She’s not wanted. This school prayer canard is bullshit! School prayer doesn’t cure a motherfucking thing except maybe insomnia. Why is it so hard to admit that? And another thing: STOP PROJECTING YOUR OWN FUCKING SPITEFULNESS ON GOD.

18. Fucking Morrisey. Oh-ho-ho, ha-ha, Bigmouth strikes again, and he thinks Kate has no claim to the human race. And the flames rose to his Roman nose, and his Walkman started to melt. Problem is, while he’s right about the royals being parasitic and out of date, he’s dead wrong about assigning the blame for Jacintha Saldanha’s suicide to Kate Middleton (and her fetus). Don’t throw yourself under a double-decker bus, Little Miss Sunshine, just apologize already. Here, I’ll start for you: “Sweetness…Sweetness, I was only joking when I said…”

19. Derek Fucking Johnson. Not a gynecologist. He said so himself. And yet, this judge possessed of remarkably poor judgment dared to duplicate Todd Fucking Akin’s sentiments on “legitimate rape” by claiming that the female body “shuts down” to prevent that, or some such. And that if a victim doesn’t “put up a fight”, it’s not really rape, and not worthy of a full sentence. Pray tell, what IS “a fight”? I bet he doesn’t know anything about THAT, either. Apparently, when it comes to rape apologia, the male jurist’s MIND is the thing that’s actually doing the shutting down.

20. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Take off your hunting hat and put on your dunce cap, Hucky Fudd. And go join #17 in the God-Botherers’ Corner. Also, go fuck yourself, you lying charlatan. Because Christian schools get targeted by mass shooters, too.

21. Jesse Fucking Watters. What’s this about you working for FUX Snooze, and explicitly trashing Obama voters, but still voting for (and contributing to the campaign of) said Democratic president? Things that make me go hmmmmm.

22. José Fucking Marquina. Well, well. Look who’s piped up again. In Pravda, no less (and how nice to see that one thing hasn’t changed since Soviet times, LOL). The Miami charlatan who has no direct or indirect access to the president of Venezuela OR his medical team (who happen to be in Cuba, and also incommunicado). And once more, he’s full of dire dipshittery which will no doubt be used toward grotty political ends. Astute readers of my blog probably recall my having exposed him before. For those who are new around this joint and have never heard of him, I’ll just leave this here.

23. The Fucking NRA. Yes, please DO shut the fuck up. And stay that way. There are only so many times you can duplicate your post-Columbine insensitivity. If only you could embarrass yourselves to death, that would be nice. Since that seems unlikely, please enjoy a complimentary bag of dicks.

24. Larry Fucking Pratt. Speaking of people you wish could embarrass themselves to death: Drop one T from the end of his surname, and you’ll get what he is. Another complimentary bag of dicks, coming right DOWN. With an irony chaser? Or two? But of course.

25. Ann Fucking Coulter. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without Santa, and it just wouldn’t be a wank-list without the Coultergeist. And this week, she’s got me wondering how the hell SHE ever graduated from kindergarten. Anyone stupid enough to suggest that primary-school kids be armed with live ammo, and taught to KILL, while ignoring the fact that kids could get into shoot-outs in the playground, frankly deserves to be held back for life.

26. Blake Fucking Shelton. Again with the “everybody should be armed/get into shootouts with shooters” shit, this time disguised as concern and an urge to “protect”. If the law can’t protect the people, what good are more guns — and more bullets that could fly astray? Give it a fucking REST, already.

27. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Activist judge trying to legislate from the bench. But hey, since he’s an archconservative, who the hell cares?

28. The Fucking Ontario SupposiTories. I’m not surprised that they’re fans of the draconian “right to work” bullshit that just ate Michigan. What WOULD surprise me is if they still have any voters left after this. Because yeah, what could be better than the “right” to race to the bottom of the economic barrel, like all those welfare-dependent “red” states that have “right to work” laws on the books, and consequently, more working people per capita on food stamps and other forms of public assistance than states where that nonsense doesn’t hold?

29. The Fucking English Defence League. Why?

That’s why. So predictable, so unoriginal, so fucking VILE.

And finally, to all those who say that it’s wrong to “politicize a tragedy” every time a gun nut shoots up a school, or a theatre, or a hospital, or what have you. Usually those who say this are not really doing it out of respect for the victims. If they were, they’d realize that there was no better time to stand up for gun control and demand immediate action from the government, because there’s just no respect for victims inherent in the status quo. In Canada, we got stricter gun controls in the wake of the Montréal Massacre because no one here was afraid to “politicize a tragedy” except those who were about to be swept out of office as a direct result of their own cowardice and intransigence. We considered that to be the most fitting tribute of all to the women who lost their lives on December 6, 1989. And if the framers of the US constitution had known that there would ever be weapons capable of firing more shots than one musket-ball per loading, they’d have written stricter gun controls into the Second Amendment, too. There weren’t even six-shooters in those days, much less the vast military-industrial complex that the US now boasts. Every state in the union has its own branch of the National Guard, so there’s not even the “militia” excuse anymore. And no, a bunch of fat, wheezing dudes in camo playing army in the woods do NOT a well-regulated militia make. Militias are organized by state government, not by self-appointed fascist paranoiacs whom nobody would dream of electing. (That’s where that much-ignored “well-regulated” bit comes in, duh.)

And on top of all that, if you want to know what really makes the case for gun control, compare this Chinese rampager with the Newtown shooter. 22 wounded, 0 dead, assailant in police custody, vs 27 dead, 0 arrested, and one suicide. I guess I should add that the Chinese amok-runner was carrying a knife, not three guns. Oh yeah, and that private gun ownership is largely illegal in China. They don’t have a gun-worship cult, either. Guess that must be why they never have school shootings, or theatre shootings, or hospital shootings. Eh?

Good night, and get fucked!