Wankers of the Week: Groundhawg Daze

Crappy weekend, everyone! Happy February, the month with two Rs. Which should both be pronounced, unless you’re the kind of fucking cretin who also says “liberry” for library or “vanella” for vanilla. Stop that shit at once! Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah…fucking cretins. I got all kinds of ’em for you this week. And here they are, in no particular order…

1. Chris Fucking Brown. Yes, he’s back in the headlines again…and this time it has nothing to do with which woman he’s dating/beating (gosh, it’s hard to tell with him, innit?) Nope, this time it’s about how this no-talent beat up a dude…who happens to be R&B’s current biggest talent, Frank Ocean. Over a parking slot. Stupid, violent, no-good motherfucker. PS: Oh, fuck. Go away, NOW. Both of you.

2. David Fucking Mamet. Hasn’t he got a script to write, produce, direct, etc.? Guess not, because he’s trying to wag the political dog with projected racism, strawman arguments, and the rote dose of gun insanity. I guess he must also be trying to telegraph something sad and embarrassing about his brains and/or and the size of his penis. PS: Oh noes, some pesky widdle facts got in the way of his oh-so-clever argument. Karl Marx!

3. Glenn Fucking Beck. Oh look, he’s got another crappy book out! And it’s a pathetic, er, PROPHETIC “warning” about the UN and its evil, communistic world takeover plan that isn’t! I’m sensing a nefarious hidden pattern here, one that will lead straight to the remainder bin…where Biff and his ghostwriter can jockey for pride of place with Sarah Fucking Palin and her ghostwriter.

PS: Oh, LORD. Yeah, the Branch Davidians were such nice guys! Child abuse, rape and polygamy, and a desire to see the world burn (which, for them anyway, was fulfilled). How dare the evil, evil BATF barge in and interfere with THAT?

4. Angela Fucking Merkel. How embarrassing is it to find out that Hermann Goering once stole the rug that now adorns your office? Considering the efficiency of the German bureaucracy, and its meticulous cataloguing of wartime atrocities, pretty damn embarrassing. And, for a conservative chancellor widely reviled in the rest of Europe as a “fiscal Nazi” — unexpectedly emblematic, too.

5. Jon Lee Fucking Anderson. It really pains me to list him this week, because he wrote the most awesome book on Che Guevara (outside of Che’s own circle of compadres, including Fidel Castro and Alberto Granado). But list him I must, because he simply does not know jack-shit about Venezuela. And it seems that he has decided to join the national anglo-whore media fraternity of presstitutes; the hazing rite apparently includes writing a nasty hit-piece on Chavecito (who he seems to think is the mayor of Caracas, not the president of the Bolivarian Republic). Sorry, Jon, but that is simply inexcusable. The Fourth Republic was NOT a time of “dynamic and stable democracy” OR prosperity, it was a time of oil-driven puppet dictatorship with a rotating roster of uglies at the helm to make it LOOK like democracy. There was a political police force, the DISIP, whose job it was to round up, torture, and “disappear” leftist dissenters. There were guerrillas in the hills, and they weren’t just there because they were trying to make like Che; they wanted to liberate Venezuela from the petty tyrants and torturers who had taken up where Marcos Pérez Jiménez left off. (Read all about Cantaura and Yumaré if you don’t believe me. And the Caracazo, of course.) And Chavecito has NOT been in charge for “decades”, much less reduced the buhoneros (informal street vendors) to their current state of poverty. They, like the slums of Caracas, were there before him, and they were poorer then, too. The difference is that now, they feel empowered to protest when they feel the local police (who are NOT under Chavecito’s jurisdiction) are treating them unfairly. And they do it with the same Bolivarian constitution that Chavecito gave them when he convened the elected assembly that wrote it. Go back and do your fucking homework, Jon, for Christ’s sake. It’s not as if you’re not fully capable.

6. Rory Fucking Carroll. On the other hand, it doesn’t pain me to list him in the least. I’m only surprised I don’t get to do it more often, because this little jackanapes has been wanking over Venezuela pretty much continually since the Grauniad put him on it. Boooooring. Well, just assume he’s here every week, even if I haven’t listed him, ‘kay? PS: Ain’t even gonna contemplate buying his book, because I already know what’s gonna be in it. Booooooooooooring.

7. John Fucking Schnatter. Looks like someone has egg all over his face…or in his case, greasy pepperoni. But when he tried to wipe it off, he just ended up spreading the grease around. Looks good on him!

8. Jane Fucking Kelly. There is no such thing as a “reluctant racist”, because there is no reluctance about it. If anything, your racism was just dying for a chance to air itself in a fresh new way that sounded legitimate. Too bad there is none. Instead of sounding like just any other racist, you come off sounding like a whiny, self-justifying, defensive one. And, oh yeah, one cowardly wanker.

9. Chris Fucking Christie. Why?

That’s why. Yeah, that’ll speed that hurricane recovery RIGHT up.

10. Dick Fucking Cheney. The Big Dick’s worried about gun control, and he should be. After all, his old hunting buddy hasn’t forgotten that regrettable drunk-shooting incident. And he probably still hasn’t gotten all the birdshot out of his face yet, either.

11. Peter Fucking Johnson, Jr. Speaking of dicks, I know it’s like shooting fish in a barrel to make fun of a man whose name is doubly synonymous with penis, and a small penis at that. But quite aside from his name, this guy is a walking joke. I seriously doubt His Barackness is going to make FUX Snooze illegal…although one could hardly blame him for being sorely tempted. Just imagine how much cleaner the airwaves would be without crap like this clogging them!

12. Louie Fucking Gohmert. And while we’re on the subject of walking jokes with names that just write themselves, Gomer’s come up with a real lulu this week. It seems that he and fellow Repug gun nut Marsha Fucking Blackburn have appointed themselves constitutional law experts, and are now trying to gin up a class-action lawsuit among His Barackness’s former students. Yeah, good luck with that…snurk.

13. Salvatore Fucking Cordileone. What a terrible temptation it must be, living in San Francisco among all those hot gay guys and still trying to stay in the world’s biggest closet, namely the priesthood of the Roman Catholic Church. It must be so hard…like, oh, say, his dick at the thought of some young, cute dude sucking his nipples? Yeah, that must be it. They give away so much every time one of them squawks up about the evils of same-sex marriage, don’t they?

14. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Every time I hear a noise coming out of her, I’m impressed that an embalmed corpse can be so animated, and make sounds so much like intelligible speech. Too bad that nothing this one says is actually intelligible at all. I mean, holding a male rapist responsible for sexual assault upon a female victim is just common sense, right? Well, sure…in every world but hers. Which, I think, really must be the realm of Cthulhu.

15. Jason Fucking Rapert. And back we go to people whose names just seem to fit them so well! This one would like to see abortion banned whenever a fetal heartbeat becomes detectable — in other words, as early as six weeks’ gestation. Which is too early for some women even to know they are pregnant! At this rate, all women who don’t want to be pregnant will have to take RU-486 the day they expect their periods, or be charged with a felony. Which would be very ironic, as I’m sure that very early abortions, like all others, are just what this little punk-ass hillbilly is trying to outlaw. PS: Oh look, he’s a racist and a Koch-sucker, too. What were the odds?

16. Bryan Fucking Fischer. I’m surprised that he’s not dead of apoplexy yet, because the Boy Scouts of America have finally lifted their ban on gay scouts (and scoutmasters). Contrary to what he’s said, though, that’s not an open invitation to pedophiles, because over 90% of those actually happen to be straight men. Or at least men who identify as such…like oh, say, Bryan Fucking Fischer.

17. Tom Fucking Flanagan. Why?

That’s why. I’m not an anti-fur activist, but for him I’ll cheerfully make an exception and hurl red paint. Some people are just not meant to wear animal hides, and nasty old right-wing men (who whisper in the ears of Stephen Fucking Harper) are among those people.

18. Michael Fucking Bloomberg. Casual sexism is not a garment. And wearing yours in public is just plain tacky.

19. Justin Fucking Bieber. No, you won’t get a Grammy. Would you like some cheese with that whine, Buttcrack Boy?

20. Rand Fucking Paul. He doesn’t “understand” same-sex marriage? Well, that’s obvious. He doesn’t understand a great many other things, either. But then again, you don’t NEED to “understand” basic human rights; you just need to support them. Do you think he’ll ever understand THAT?

21. David A. Fucking Clarke. Yay, let’s all go get drunk and shoot — the sheriff said to do it! See, this is what happens when law enforcement quits enforcing the law and gets Teh Stoopid about guns. This is also why I’m glad to be Canadian…our police chiefs are NOT this fucking stupid.

22. Gayle Fucking Trotter. Call me gun-shy, but I fail to see how becoming dependent on gun MANufacturers is going to make me an “independent” woman. And if I were the mother of a passel of small children, I would also fail to see how my owning a fucking submachine gun would increase their safety. I’d be more worried that one of them would accidentally shoot the others (and/or his/her own eye out). PS: And if you need a really good reason to despise this fucking idiotess, how about her opposition to VAWA? After all, gun MANufacturers must have their pound of female flesh…and small dead children, too.

23. Antonin Fucking Scalia. The constitution is “dead, dead, dead”…and he is nuts, nuts, NUTS. That is all.

24. Alison Fucking Redford. Democracy? What the hell is THAT? In Alberta, it’s plutocracy all the way. Government by the money, of the money, for the money, baybay.

25. Foster Fucking Friess. Yes, ol’ Aspirin-Between-Yer-Knees is back, and still obsessing about sex. This time, though, he thinks that women were “seduced” into believing that right-wingers didn’t give a shit about them. I don’t know if “seduced” is quite the word I’d go for; blatant, overt misogyny is about as seductive as rotting garbage in open sewers.

26 and 27. Patrick Fucking Brazeau and Royal Fucking Galipeau. To the former, I have nothing to say but “Yes, you are SO colonized — you are a Conservative, DUH.” And to the latter, I have nothing to say except “You, sir, are a cowardly fucking douchebag — you are also a Conservative, DUH.”

28. Stacey Fucking Campfield. “Don’t Say Gay” is ba-ack, and dumber than ever. So, apparently, is its author. If “the act of homosexuality” (whatever THAT may be) is “very dangerous”, why are there so many gay senior citizens coming out of the woodwork…among them, Gomer Pyle himself? Oh dears, an inconvenient fact…gays can live as long as anyone else! And they want to do so happily and in peace, with equal marriage rights, too! Horrors! PS: Ohhhhh, Teh Stoopid…it really DOES burn! And just think, this is the guy who wants to kick underperforming kids off the welfare roles. Sheer fucking genius.

29. Kevin Fucking Swanson. And in other homophobic news, I have some sad news for this silly preacher-dude: We’ve had same-sex civil marriage up here for nearly a decade now, and not only do we NOT have an upsurge in “NAMBLA pedophilia”, we also don’t have “gays burning Christians at the stake”! What we do have are gays, some of them Christian, marrying other gays and/or performing wedding ceremonies for gays and straights alike. And outside of an occasional desultory kvetch from the local Religious Reich, things are actually pretty quiet up here in Soviet Canuckistan. So sorry to disappoint!

PS: No, the Pill does NOT turn women’s uteri into “graveyards for lots and lots of little babies”. It prevents ovulation so that conception never occurs, you fucking idiot! Learn some science, for the love of God!

30. Jerry O’Fucking Neil. This ‘winger, on the other hand, is downright fucking kinky.

31. Sobrino Fucking Valdecir Fucking Picanto. Why the double Fucking? Because most rapists who claim religious exemption from guilt would say the devil made them do it. This guy, by contrast, claims it was the Holy Spirit that got into his gonads and caused him to demand oral sex from his female parishioners, presumably to spread sanctity and the Holy Sperm around. Yeah, that’s a new one on me, too.

32, 33 and 34. Maurice Fucking Vellacott, Leon Fucking Benoit, and Wladyslaw Fucking Lizon. Welp, it looks as though the anti-choice SupposiTories of the House of Commons have finally tipped their hand as to when they think a fetus becomes a “person”. They’re now trying to get the Mounties to waste their time persecuting women who’ve had abortions after the 19th week of gestation. Ergo: 20 weeks = “person”. The only problem with this, aside from it being a waste of law enforcement’s time and resources, is the fact that most abortions in Canada take place before the 12th week…and those few that do take place after 20 weeks, tend to come as a result of severe fetal deformity, fetal death, or serious health risks to the woman. Yeah, that means that these three are not only clueless gits, they’re sadistic assholes trying to punish women who, in all likelihood, wanted to be pregnant but couldn’t carry to term because of health issues. Oh yeah, and they’re also inconsistent, seeing as how they’ve been trying to winkle in the idea that a fertilized egg is a “person” from the very start, and force a “debate” on what is actually a long settled matter of law. MASSIVE wank, in other words. PS: Ha, ha.

35. Alois Fucking Bell. Yes, Reverend, you certainly HAVE brought embarrassment on yourself with the above. For being unable to distinguish between tithing and tipping, for starters; for failing to recognize that restaurant servers are poorly paid and thus forced to rely on gratuities for a living, for another. And for just plain being selfish, which is exactly what Jesus said NOT to be. And you got a perfectly good waitress fired for simply pointing out what a clod you’ve been. Shame, shame, shame.

36. Ronaiah Fucking Tuiasosopo. Mary, please — you’re not “confused”, you’re just gay. And if you think you can “recover” from that, forget it…that’s just where the REAL confusion comes in. Because being gay is not a disease, and therefore not something needing a cure. There is nothing wrong with being gay. How about some acceptance and moving on, instead?

37. Manis Fucking Friedman. Child sex abuse is nothing like diarrhea; it’s not a momentary embarrassment, but a life-altering secret anguish. Now, saying stupid shit about child sex abuse…THAT would be a LOT like diarrhea.

38. Rob Fucking Ford. Unbefuckinglievable: How the hell is the Frodster still allowed to be mayor of Toronto? Violating elections law ought to be good for an automatic disqualification, not a free pass to go back to City Hall.

39. Jenny Fucking McCarthy. Fake science and fake tits. What better “star” to appear at a breast-cancer fundraiser? If they ever invent a vaccine that prevents 100% of breast cancers, I bet she’d be against it. The only person dumber than McQuackery is whoever invited her and signed off on this. PS: Aaaaaand she’s out. Good!

40. Ezra Fucking Levant. I wonder how much longer FUX Snooze North, a.k.a ScumTV, is planning on keeping him around. He’s gonna lose them a lot more money if he keeps getting sued (and rightly!) for libel.

41. Steven Fucking Crowder. Oh joy, oh bliss. The Man Who Discovered Married Sex is back and wanking about it all over again…and giving “advice” cribbed from right-wing crapaganda sites! What were the odds? (Wake me up when your divorce is final, Stevie.)

42. Jeff Fucking Allen. I don’t know what’s the worst thing about him: his awful “pick-up artistry”, or the fact that he actually makes a living teaching it. Saddest of all, there are even bigger losers out there shelling out money for “advice” from a guy who’s ugly and whose mother dresses him funny…and lets him drive around in a shitty “rape van” coated with misspelled sloganeering. Gentlemen, if you want to get with the ladies and some douchey guy offers to teach you how, walk away quickly. And make sure he didn’t pickpocket your wallet, ‘kay?

43. Eliana Fucking Johnson. “Sensible Germans” supported the Nazis? Uh, no. FUCK no! And I would know, because my family, both sides of it, is comprised of sensible Germans. Even my grandfather who was conscripted into the SS was not a party member, much less a party voter. And my other grandfather got called on the carpet by the Gestapo just for casually complaining about Hitler! Holy shit, this bitch is CRAZY. But yeah, chalk up one more fascist dunce for the National Review. At this rate, they should just change their name to the National Revisionist, because that’s what they are.

44. Vladimir Fucking Putin. While Pussy Riot’s Nadya and Masha languish in Siberian prison camps, Pooty-Poot is hoping a certain ’90s boy-band will get the Russkies making babies. Dude, how about fixing your economy, getting rid of the mafias, and ending the fucking oppression? That might put a lot more people in the mood…

45. Stephen Fucking Perry. Racist much? Why else ASSume that your black co-worker “knows people” who can help you bump off your estranged wife?

46. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Why?

That’s why. Actually, maybe we should thank the Pigman for spelling out the far-right’s economic and political strategy. (Not that we hadn’t guessed it already.)

47. Bob Fucking Grisham. Racist, sexist, and homophobe much? Oh wait, he’s a football coach “of the year” (!) in Alafuckingbama. That’s kind of par for the course.

48. Diane Fucking Finley. While she’s sanctimoniously haranguing the jobless about how much they’re “cheating” the system by claiming money that THEY paid into it, her own goverment is handing out hundreds of thousands of dollars. To “third party consultants”. For “auditing”. In Attawapiskat. And they don’t want to be held accountable for THAT, either.

49. Sam Fucking Harris. Gun nuts have “many good points”? Sorry, the tops of their heads don’t count. They’re called gun nuts for a reason. If you’re gonna trash the NRA, for fuck’s sake, trash ’em properly, and don’t give them an inch of ground! PS: Newark, could you please trade mayors with Toronto? I like the cut of Mr. Booker’s, uh, jib. (Yeah, that’s it.)

50. Aaron Fucking Klein. Same-sex couples are “abominations before the Lord”? No, only to YOU. And you’re not God. How hard is it to just sell them a fucking cake, already?

And finally, to all the right-wing idiots who basically ripped off Facebook’s interface so they could start their own widdle echo chamber, where hate speech could run rampant and unchecked (rather than subject to reporting and deletion, as is the case on you know where). I shouldn’t wonder if it ends up just as moth-eaten as your sad-ass dating site.

Good night, and get fucked!