Wankers of the Week: Fred Phelps Memorial Edition

Crappy weekend, everyone! Time for a final farewell salute to the late sack of shit, Fred Fucking Phelps, too…and by “salute”, I propose that we all stick our thumbs against our noses, waggle our fingers, and blow a big, loud razzberry as we send ol’ Fred off to the great eldritch horror that is the maw of Cthulhu. Right in time for the Spring Equinox…and doesn’t the world smell better already? Oh hellz yeah. So, since we don’t have Fred to kick around anymore (sob!), how about the following, instead?

1. Scarlett Fucking Johansson. Right in time for the anniversary of Rachel Corrie’s murder, Apartheid Israel’s #1 apologist in Hollywood decides to mouth off about how evil Oxfam is for supporting Palestinians, and how nasty the BDS movement is for daring to stand in the way of Soda Stream’s profits…and by extension, her own. Oh yeah, and about Woody Allen: apparently, it’s socially irresponsible for victims of child sexual abuse to come forward and impugn a “great” filmmaker who is famous for demeaning women and children. Nice to know that she’s so much more than just a pretty face, eh?

2. Troy Fucking Mader. And speaking of nice-to-know, isn’t it nice to know that HE is standing by all the filthy old lies he peddled in the mid-1980s, about gay people and AIDS? Never mind that so much information has since come out to prove him wrong. He stands by it a hundred and ten percent, and rah rah!

3 and 4. Louise Fucking Mailloux and Pauline Fucking Marois. Well, that didn’t take long. Turns out that the infamous Québec “charter of values” has all sorts of totally unforeseen prejudicial implications…and the prejudiced are taking full advantage, in a totally fucking unforeseen fashion. Harrumph.

5. Rob Fucking Ford. Because of course. And because by now, we expect nothing less.

6. Doug Fucking Ford. Because whenever Robbo farts, he’s right behind him with the air freshener. Not that it does a lick of good, mind you!

7. Phil Fucking Jensen. And there you have it, folks…”freedom of religion” and “free enterprise” mean that business owners should be able to get away with whatever fucking prejudiced shit they like. Not, of course, that anyone patronizing a business should be treated equally, or anything like that. Thanks for clearing that up, Phil. Now fuck off.

8. Dianne Fucking Reidy. Denial…ain’t no river in Egypt, Cleo. And, sadly, sometimes extreme religiosity IS a sign of mental illness. Or temporal-lobe epilepsy. Having a psychotic break at work is unfortunate. Leaving it untreated out of a misguided belief in God’s will, however, is just a plain old wank.

9. Scott Fucking Beason. “McCarthy was right”? Funny, everyone else in the world remembers ol’ Tailgunner Joe as a rampaging, paranoid, fanatical drunken fascist asshat. If that’s “right”, I’ll cheerfully stay in the “wrong”.

10. Cari Fucking Christman. Women are “too busy” to need equal pay legislation? Damn straight…they’re working twice as many jobs to make half as much money. That sure as hell sounds too busy to me, yup!

11. Rob Fucking Anders. Well, well. Looks like Sleepyhead has awoken from his Rip Van Winkle stupor to declare a new Cold War on Russia. Or is that a shootin’ war that no one in their right mind wants? I dunno. I don’t think His Somnolence has thought this one all the way through, do you?

12. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. I enjoy typing that name out in full, because every time I do, Roosh V’s odds of getting laid somewhere on this planet crash and burn just that little bit more. Women google; women get wise. Sort of the inverse of “every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings”.

13. Tony Fucking Perkins. I’m sure it will come as a terrible shock to him to know that Canada did not disappear off the map in 2003, when same-sex marriages first became a legal thing here. And that no one stopped trading with us, or valuing our dollars, because of it.

14. Pamela Fucking Geller. She wants Muslim pilots banned from the airways? I want her banned from the Internets. Because, newsflash: Muslims have been flying planes for a very long time…and, with very few exceptions, have done so quite uneventfully.

15. Ralph Fucking Reed. Because women shouldn’t get divorces, or food stamps. Yeah, that’s right: He wants to see them suffer in miserable, abusive, loveless marriages (and being cheated blithely by their husbands) rather than happily alone and eating. Either that, or he’s really into abandonment…because that’s what men did to the “wives of their youth” all the time, back in the good ol’ days before no-fault divorce.

16. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Bring back imperialism! Oh wait, that came out wrong. Ha, ha. No, actually, that’s what his racist argument basically amounts to.

17. Bill Fucking Hemmer. Actually, Noah’s Ark has never been found…because it never fucking existed. Like so much else in the Old Testament, it’s just a badly made-up fiction.

18. Sandy Fucking Rios. Saying people should be shot is “using words of life”? Words of LIFE??? Words…what do they even mean?

19. Jenny Fucking McCarthy. No, generating a lot of controversy does not make you authoritative. It makes you an imbecilic hack who is killing kids by telling their parents not to vaccinate them. Hope you’re enjoying the measles epidemics! PS: Ha, ha.

20. Ted Fucking Cruz. “School choice is the civil rights issue of the 21st century”? Funny, I thought that was gay rights. Oh wait…I forgot. This is Tailgunner Ted we’re talking about here. So of course, the issue is the “choice” to bring your kids up devout and stupid. Just look how well that worked out for him!

21. James Fucking Bull. Oh, Florida Man. You just can’t go a single week without literally screwing the pooch…can you?

22. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Guinness is a “bully” for supporting gay rights and pulling out of a St. Paddy’s parade run by bigots? Only in Rupee’s backward universe, folks. And on that note, let’s show ’em some love and drink up!

23. Beth Fucking Cubriel. Women are crappy negotiators? Yeah, I guess we must be. We haven’t been able to negotiate sexism out of existence yet, and we’re still just making 77 cents on a man’s dollar. Why the hell is THAT, I wonder?

24. Anne Fucking Graham Fucking Lotz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how loopy it is to think that the missing Malaysian jetliner had anything to do with the fucking Rapture. People…it’s a MYTH. It is never gonna happen. Whoever wrote Revelation was tripping on bad acid. Get a fucking grip!

25. Pavel Fucking Ushanov. Nothing says “entitlement run amok” quite like beating the shit out of your girlfriend for breaking up with you…and then running off before the cops can find you. Also, nothing says cowardice quite like that, either.

26. Mark Fucking Regnerus. How’s it feel to have a judge throw out your not-so-scientific “study” which is in fact just anti-LGBT propaganda? Ha, ha.

27. Kathy Fucking Afzali. So, she’s worried about a “guy in a dress” using the ladies’ room? Honey, I don’t think Catholic priests swing that way, as a general rule. And if you’re worried about trans women, trust me…the only thing they’re in there for is what all the other women are in there for: to use a toilet, wash their hands, do a mirror check, and leave. That doesn’t sound like terribly “abnormal behavior”, does it now?

28. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. So, the living dinosaur says she’s vewwy, vewwy disappointed because “nobody” is saying anything against marriage equality? Well, it’s kind of refreshing to see her admit that she and her fellow wingnuts are all nobody.

29. Meir Fucking Kin. He won’t give his ex-wife the Orthodox Jewish divorce she demands (because then she could remarry, oh the horror!), but he will marry another woman while not properly divorced from her? Mazel tov, you fucking bigamist.

30. Richard Fucking Ross. Why?

That’s why. As if anyone is gonna go to a judge for permission to act like a grown-ass fucking ADULT.

And finally, to the troll, “Caracas Canadian”, who pooped here. I don’t believe you’re actually from Caracas, because your IP number tells me you’re in Valencia, 150 km to the west of the Venezuelan capital. Valencia, to state the blinding obvious, is NOT Caracas. That’s further away from there than I am from Toronto, fer fucksakes. Do you hear me calling myself a Torontonian? No, you do not, because I am not one. And I don’t believe you’re a Canadian, because your English is so fucking crappy, it couldn’t possibly be a product of our decent public schools. And you claim to have lived in Venezuela for the last eight years, but then have the temerity to kvetch that the Bolivarian Revolution is a big robbery while you’re in there living high off its hog? If you’re an actual Canadian, why did you move there in the middle of a fifteen-year-old “robbery”-in-progress…eh? You could have stayed the fuck home and saved yourself an awful lot of stomach ulcers. If you WERE an actual Canadian, that is. Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!