Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Nagasaki Day to one and all. Also — hooray! — it’s Shark Week again. And there’s a veritable Sharknado of stoooopid swirling out there. And here’s who was in the thick of it this week, in no particular order:
1. Janet Fucking Bloomfield. First cracker out of the box is the self-styled Judgy Bitch (an accurate nym if ever there was one), making up ridiculous quotes and then sticking them in the mouth of Jessica Valenti because the latter had the temerity to make fun of the Menz Rightz Bowel Movement (a movement which richly deserves all the fun we can make of it, because its proponents are no fun otherwise). Much harassment ensued. And oh yeah, this shameless panderer to sexist males also has a penchant for calling other women whores. As though flat-out lying makes one a paragon of feminine virtue. PS: Oh yeah, and she’s a pedophile apologist too! Bet you feel real big for beating up on abused children, eh Jan? As long as your own kids aren’t among those statistics, who cares, right?
2. Roman Fucking Shapiro. Genocide? There’s an app for that. Or at least there was, until Google took it out of their Android store. Oh, and if you don’t like it, and don’t think the Israelis are the good guys here? Well, Romey says fuck you, too. Such a nice boy!
3. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Riddle me this: How and when did he go from Nobel Peace Prize winner to genocide advocate and dehumanizer of all Palestinians? I honestly have no answer for this, just as I have no answer for why they ever awarded that prize to Henry Fucking Kissinger…whom Elie is starting to resemble more and more, as far as ideologies go.
4. Kurt Fucking Schlichter. Why?
That’s why. Apparently, one inhumane butcher is worth more than 1.8 million human beings, because REASONS. Oh wait, no reasons. Just the tacit assumption that there really is such a thing as racial superiority, because some fiction book says God made some snowflakes specialer than others.
5. Paul Fucking Gair. Just because someone’s parents are heterosexual, doesn’t mean they owe it to said parents to not be gay. Things like that are pretty much out of anyone’s voluntary control. And if you object to so many gay people existing, blame their straight parents…for conceiving them.
6. Rand Fucking Paul. Run! Run! The Mexicans are coming! And they’re bringing pots of pozole! The horror! The HORROR!!!
7. Rick Fucking Scarborough. God doesn’t nuke people. PEOPLE nuke people. And really: Over gay people? What kind of self-righteous idiot does that? Oh, right…one who thinks he’s God. Rick, why can’t you just think you’re Napoleon, instead? That way, you could always just go invade Russia.
8. John Fucking Hagee. And speaking of idiots who think they’re God, there’s this one, who thinks poor people should be “allowed” to starve. I have a better idea: How about we put this guy on a radical diet, like the one Israel is currently enforcing on Palestine? He’s certainly fat and parasitical enough…and won’t this planet feel lighter without him on it?
9. Peter Fucking Steinmetz, again. How the hell does one become a brain scientist and yet still wind up so goddamn fucking stupid as to think that it’s ever okay to carry a loaded gun to an airport — a place which any terrorist would be delighted to shoot up, just to buy coffee, AND point it at someone while shifting it? Doesn’t that all kind of defeat the purpose of showing that “open carry is safe, you fucking libruls”?
10. Bill Fucking Whatcott. How much longer, O Lord, before this one falls out of the closet? And what will he do when none of those gay guys he has made a ludicrous career of bashing want to sleep with his sorry, bigoted, mothball-reeking ass?
11. Paul Fucking Elam. Oh, you da big man, promising to hit women much smaller than yourself and call that “proportional”. Guess “Bash a Violent Bitch Month” is now all year round, eh? And I bet that “violent bitch” actually just means “uppity woman who dares to contradict me, me, ME!” I hope the local police where you live are taking notes, because what you’re writing sure sounds like threats to me.
12. Charlie Fucking Beck. How the hell does one forget that one bought a horse off one’s own daughter? I don’t know, ask the chief of the LAPD; he’s the forgetful one. With memory lapses like that, it’s a wonder that no one has questioned his ability to head a rather large city police force.
13. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, it’s finally happened. Right-wing nutjobs, even the worst of them, are scrambling to distance themselves from something asinine that she said. And her condition is about to be downgraded from idiotic to brain-dead. Sucks to be you, Coultergeist!
14. Mike Fucking Duffy. How the hell does a stunningly mediocre TV reporter end up being such a big fish that he gets lowly janitors fired from Ottawa hospitals for complaining that he treated them like shit when he was in for heart surgery? Oh, I don’t know…probably the same way he was made a senator, and then proceeded to get away with $90,000 worth of stinking corruption.
15. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. How the hell does one “invent” a border crisis? Simple. By being so deeply in political and personal disgrace that one becomes desperate to pin any tail at all on a cardboard-cutout donkey. How else?
16. Jerry Fucking Hill. Do dogs read Craigslist? Can they even give consent? I dunno. All I know that Dog is God spelled backwards, and yup, that seems about right.
17. Craig Fucking Beemer. Hate having to pay a minimum wage? Don’t want to cut into your profits so that your wait-staff can eke out a miserable living? Well, there’s nothing like pitting the customers against them for that! Special dishonorable mention to manager-lackey Craig Fucking Orcutt for trying to spin this nose-thumbing as “protecting the employees”, too. Shame on both of you!
18. Candace Fuckingn Maxymowich. A SupposiTory “youth leader”, promoting abstinence-only sex-ed? Congratulations, Candy…you’re about to become the least popular girl on campus. But hey! Good on you for taking a principled stance and promoting the type of sex-ed that leads to the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world!
19. Sibusiso Barnabas Fucking Dlamini. Trade unionists and human rights leaders should be strangled when they get back to Swaziland? Sign the petition at the link, people. And pass it on.
20. Kim Fucking Kardashian. I don’t know what scares me more: that some idiot publisher agreed that her boring-ass selfies were worth putting out in book form, or that there are so many other idiots out there who would be willing to buy such a book. And no, Kim, not all women stand in front of the mirror taking pictures of their own arses. That’s just you, continually proving to the world what a vapid moron you are.
21. Brian Fucking Knyoch. There’s no such thing as “close to drinking water quality”, especially not in mine tailings ponds. That shit is TOXIC. And if you feel so confident that it’s drinkable, fine — YOU drink it. I’ll just stand over here and watch you slowly turn blue. Deal?
22 and 23. Anna Fucking Zubkova and Rob Fucking Freeman. I don’t know which is worse: him for being an idiot white supremacist who actually thinks that white people are “under attack” for their whiteness (where? WHERE???), or her for being dumb and blinkered enough to stay married to this troll once she found out just what he was.
24. Jason Fucking Kenney. Speaking of trolls: How very like him to insinuate that Justin Trudeau must support terrorism because he’s visited a local mosque (which was only linked to a so-called “terror matrix” AFTER his visit). And how very like him to do it using his own parliamentary e-mail address. Will no one strip this noisome brat of his internet privileges? After all, he did visit a mosque tied to actual antisemitic propaganda…
25. Sean Fucking Hannity. And how very like the Baby Jesus to be better at dishing out juvenile insults than taking them. I could hear his whining, pouting, and itty-bitty foot-stomping right through the tweeter…ha, ha.
26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Also, how very like the Pigman to think that liberals would be interested in joining the anti-choice movement over the mere prospect of having a gay child. Considering that liberals are far more likely to be supportive parents to one than any conservaturd, AND still support abortion rights no matter what, it’s gonna be a long, lonely wait for the anti-choicers, who are notably anti-LGBT as well as sexist.
27. Rob Fucking Ford. Why?
That’s why. He’s racist as shit, but he’s not afraid to say Bumbaclot. Even if he IS one himself. Caribana was great in spite of his presence, not because of it.
28. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yes, Biff, you did say stupid things at FUX Snooze. But you haven’t stopped saying them. In fact, what you’re saying now is often even stupider. Even when you’re finally getting around to this little thing called Honesty, ur STILL doin it rong.
29. Joan Fucking Rivers. Nice to know that she’s mellowing so well in her old age. Oh, what am I saying? She’s turning into one helluva mean old bat. And no, Joan, the people of Gaza did NOT deserve to die. Most of them are already displaced by Israelis. Your inhumanitarian streak is hereby duly noted.
30. Todd Fucking Rokita. For those who don’t know the score, it’s like this: Central American immigrant kids infected with Ebola fever: 0. Native-born US-Americans infected with Ebola in Africa: 2, both recovering. Africans with Ebola: Over 1000, most of them deceased. Native-born US-Americans infected with Ebola in the US: 0. Probability that Todd Fucking Rokita is a xenophobic moron: 100%. Odds that he’ll die of dumbth: 0, unfortunately.
And finally, to all the woman-hating Twitter trolls of #tcot. Congratulations, you dumb fuckers all have piss-poor reading comprehension. Nobody was asking you to pay for Jessica Valenti’s tampons; she was looking for info so she could write a story about how other countries do things better for women than the US. And congratulations, also, on being part of that extremely misogynous problem. It’s a wonder your own mothers haven’t disowned you.
Good night, and get fucked!