Wankers of the Week: Emmagate?

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, looks like the 4chan has hit the fan again. This time, though, the hoax is on them: it looks like the “Emma You’re Next” site is just a “viral” PR scam. And the “company” responsible doesn’t even exist. But how totally typical, eh? Threaten a bright young woman with something bogus, then pretend you’re really after those who would do such a shitty thing. Wouldn’t surprise me if “Rantic” was just a product of 4chan itself. It has that general odor of things pulled from an arse. And so do the following, in no particular order:

1. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Not only is she dumber than dog droppings, she also can’t see very well. Giving Phyllis Fucking Schlafly credit for ending the Cold War is WTF enough on its own, but saying she’s “personally brilliant” and “physically gorgeous”? If Ol’ Phyl was ever pretty, it was obviously long before my time; she’s had that dowdy, sprayed-down roller-set for as long as I’ve seen her crabby face. Which is TOO long. Time to drag this one to the eye doctor.

2. Todd Fucking Gibson. When will pervy teachers ever learn that just because the objects of their unwanted attention are teenage girls, it doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to screenshot a dickpic on Snapchat? Dumb, dumb, pervy teachers!

3. Grace Ann Fucking Whatever. Yeah, I know, that’s probably NOT her real name. I know I wouldn’t attach mine to a bad, religiously-motivated rewrite of Harry Potter, either. Especially since J.K. Rowling’s lawyer is not apt to be amused.

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4. Ezra Fucking Levant. After insulting the entire Trudeau clan (including the late right honorable PM, who can’t defend himself) over a very innocent wedding photo session with Justin Trudeau (to which he was invited by the bridal party), suddenly the putz is left with egg on his face. I can hardly wait for the abject apology…but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.

5. Bill Fucking Frezza. When frat boys deliberately ply female party guests with booze to get them leglessly drunk (and consentlessly into bed), the problem isn’t the drunk girls. The problem is FRATS. Why the hell do they even exist? And why did Forbes have a staff writer whose job, it seems, consisted largely of defending them (and even PROMOTING their misuse of alcohol)?

6. Kira Fucking Kazantsev. And while we’re on the subject of “Why the hell do frats even exist?”: WTF is up with Miss America? And shouldn’t her sketchy sorority history have been a huge red flag for pageant organizers? And also…why the hell do beauty pageants still exist?

7. Arya Fucking Toufanian. Well, looks like the rapey dirtbag who gave us “I’m Shmacked”…is sacked. Ha, ha.

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8. George Fucking Brown. Bad enough that cops rape people. But telling the victims to “follow the law”? Um, shouldn’t it be the COPS? After all, the law says “don’t rape”…

9. Alisha Fucking Hessler. Yeah, surprise: “Jasmine Tridevil”, the three-breasted woman who got that extra boob because she wanted to be less attractive to men, is a fake. Turns out, she’s a fameball who was hoping to get a TV reality show. Well, now she’s been on reality TV…it’s called JOURNALISM. And she’s famous for all the wrong reasons, too!

10. Kathryn Fucking Knott. So, the police chief’s daughter who assaulted a gay couple turns out to be a raving homophobe whose tweets and texts are full of, well, raving homophobia. Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds?

11. Daniel Fucking Hammer. Surprise! Voyeurism isn’t just a harmless sexual fetish after all. It’s the precursor to something all too predictable. Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds?

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12. Sam Fucking Pepper. Pro tip: A prank is something so funny that it makes even the target laugh. What you’re doing isn’t funny, because it makes nobody laugh. That’s why we call it ASSAULT, duh. (Also, UGH, THOSE DOUCHEY CLOTHES!) PS: It gets worse. PPS: MUCH worse.

13. Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Atchoo! Is someone allergic to kids actually exercising their right to free speech? Sure sounds like it. Gesundheit, Gretchen…and please, wipe your nose. All that dripping snot does not a pretty picture make.

14. Joseph Fucking Sciambra. And don’t forget to shout “Bless you!” every time you see a devil fly out a gay guy’s arse, either.

15. Doug Fucking Lamborn. Calling on all the generals to resign is treason, is it not? And yet, that’s exactly what this Repug is doing. And so are others. Can you imagine what they’d have said if Dubya was president and the Dems tried to do this? In any event, so far no generals have taken him up on this. Nobody wants to give up their career for a fuckin’ idiot, I guess.

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16. Thomas Fucking Jackson. Oh, NOW he apologizes for the murder of Mike Brown? Too little, too late, too fuckin’ bad. PS: This isn’t exactly helping, either.

17. Vinod Fucking Khosla. He still doesn’t understand what “public access” means? Well, maybe a judicial ruling will finally get him to flip open a dictionary. Ha, ha.

18. Doug Fucking Ford. While I’m not unhappy to see him and John Fucking Tory at each other’s throats, I do think it’s funny to see one rich guy attack another onaccounta he’s rich. Dougie is not exactly a man of the people, no matter how hard he tries to paint himself as such. You want someone who’s the genuine article? Vote for Olivia Chow, who has actually dealt with poverty herself.

19. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Hey, FUX Snoozettes: Stop punching yourselves in the face. Because that’s what you’re doing every time you stick up for the poor, oppressed fratboys who just can’t help setting girls drunk and slipping roofies in their drinks so they can get laid without asking. Idiots.

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20. Sarah Fucking Palin. And speaking of oppressed people who ain’t, how about the Paliness and her fellow “Christian” stoopids? When you can’t even remember the address of the White House (1400 Pennsylvania Avenue is a hotel, idiot), it’s time to put down the “truthy” bible and start picking up a book that deals in actual facts.

21. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. White guys can’t sue? WTF? White guys sue more than anybody else. And no, working women don’t have an advantage — they’re being paid 70 cents on a man’s dollar, meaning they can’t fucking afford a lawyer.

22 and 23. Tyler and Alexandra Fucking Craddock. Put a turban on him and a burqa on her, and you wouldn’t be able to tell these ammosexual idiots apart from the Taliban. An irony which, I’m sure, escapes them altogether.

24. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh surprise! Harpo was a no-show at the climate-change summit. And climate change was a no-show when he addressed the United Nations. And so were most of the member countries’ delegates, too.

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25 and 26. Greg Fucking Gutfeld and Eric Fucking Bolling. So, Major Mariam al-Mansouri can bomb ISIL, but can she park a plane? Haw haw haw. Boobs on the ground! Haw haw haw. And meanwhile, if you want to know what “boobs on the air” look like, look no further than these two entirely typical FUX Snooze halfwits, who can’t think of anything but a woman fighter pilot’s gazongas, for fuck’s sake.

27. David Fucking Dewhurst. The Mexicans are coming! The Muslims are coming! The Muslims are Mexican! Um…WHAT? Um…NO.

28. Wilson Fucking Robertson. Ah yes, Florida Man! Who else is a bigger bigot, or a wussier wimp, or a more superstitious lump of stoopid, than a Florida county commissioner who walks out because he can’t bear to hear a pagan give the opening prayer at the city council session?

29 and 30. The Fucking Benham Twins. Yes, you are exactly like ISIL victims. No heads, and therefore not a living brain cell between the both of you. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker.

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And finally, to the Fucking FBI. Who else, besides wankers on 4chan and Reddit, thinks it’s a BAD idea for Google and Apple to give their users the privacy and security they demand? Holy shit, people, we really can’t tell the cops from the robbers anymore.

Good night, and get fucked!

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