Wankers of the Week: The Unbearable Whiteness of Being

Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to all my US friends caught in the Nor’Eastern Seaboard. You have my sincerest sympathies, from New York all the way down to DC. Hope you can see your hands in front of your faces, and hope you don’t spend too much of this weekend digging yourselves out. But hey! At least all you have to shovel is snow. So, while you’re waiting for Thor to quit taking an ice-cold dump all over you, take a look at all the shit I dug up for you this week, in no particular order:

1. LaVoy Fucking Finicum. Waaaaa, the feds took away his foster kids, a.k.a. his gravy train! Because it’s not enough to have free land, you also gotta get free money from the gummint, too! And yeah, I bet it did them real good to live on his ranch. Just look at the example he’s setting for them now. He’s pretty much the Ultimate Federal Freeloader and the Ultimate Deadbeat Dad, all rolled up in one!

2. Deepika Fucking Avanti. She claims to be a psychic, but she couldn’t predict the perfectly foreseeable (even without a Sixth Sense!) outcome of discriminating against a same-sex couple trying to rent a home? Well, there’s a shocker. Look who’s a charlatan, in other words. As well as a bigot.

3. Matthew Fucking Langone. Always nice to see an enterprising entrepreneur…unless he’s a cop making money off of overtime arrests AND selling mocking fascist shirts about it on the side. Nice to see his police department has his back in this blatant case of police brutality, too!

4. Thomas Fucking Geisel. I know it’s carnival season, but really: dressing up as a well-known local pimp (and your wife as a prostitute), when you’re the mayor of Düsseldorf, a city already infamous for that god-awful sexist shit? Isn’t that just free advertising for the brothel owners? (Or, worse: PAID advertising for the same?)

5. Marco Fucking Rubio. Daesh isn’t after your family, bozo. Daesh doesn’t even care if you exist. If you’re gonna make lame excuses for buying guns, can’t you at least pick a kinda-sorta plausible one?

6. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. No, dear, you CAN’T win the Repugs over. They’ve made it their electoral strategy to erase you and other LGBT people from the face of the Earth, remember?

7. Stewart Fucking Rhodes. Hello, Oaf Creeper? History called. Says the feds weren’t responsible for the conflagration at Waco. That was David Fucking Koresh’s own doing. And if anyone’s looking to “Waco” anything (since when is that name a verb?), it’s the bozos who hijacked the bird sanctuary. So keep your big, stupid mouth shut about Waco, y’hear?

8. Dominic Fucking Lawson. Hello, Archaic Sexist? The Fifties called, said they want their misogyny back. Blaming women for an improvement in medical working conditions? What, you want your health tended by an overworked, underpaid intern? No? Then hold your tongue. #LikeALadyDoc

9. Don Fucking McLean. While progressive rock greats like David Bowie and Glenn Frey have left us, rejoice! This one-hit wonder from Wingnuttia is still alive, and still beating up his wife. Wish I could finally say Bye-bye, Mr. American Pie…

10. John Fucking Mellish. You can go join #8 in the superannuated sexist corner. And put on a nice, vintage dunce cap, while you’re at it.

11. Meghan Fucking McCain. Ted Cruz is “the thinking man’s Donald Trump”? Girl, please — thinking men don’t vote Republican. The entire party is one big box of burnt-out bulbs at this point.

12. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

That’s why. Irrelevant person endorses other irrelevant person! Put a fuckin’ sock in it. PS: Dafuq did I just see? UGH. PPS: And of course, she blames Obama for #13. Because Dubya and his wars of choice are never at fault for anything. And because Personal Responsibility (which Track was presumably exercising when he signed on for Dubya’s war) doesn’t apply to ‘wingers, either.

13. Track Fucking Palin. Meanwhile, the Paliness’s brood also don’t disappoint. Charged with domestic assault, no doubt while bombed out of his empty skull. Attaboy! Gotta keep the side up, after all.

14. Franklin Fucking Graham. Everytime a right-wing closet case thunders about the imaginary evils of Teh Gheys, an angel throws up somewhere over the Fruited Plain, causing violent hailstorms and tornadoes. Seriously, though…I’m just waiting to see how long it takes before he’s caught with his pants down behind a frightened, very under-age boy.

15. Rick Fucking Snyder, AGAIN. He dared to try to spin the corrosive waters of the Flint River as a “natural” phenomenon. Oh sure, like factories belching toxic effluent into the water just GREW there, all by their widdle selves. Pull the other one, dude. PS: Ha, ha.

16. Mat Fucking Staver. No, Kim Fucking Davis is NOT like Martin Luther King. She’s female, she’s white, and she’s prejudiced as all fuck. Couldn’t be more UNlike him if she tried.

17. Aviv Fucking Bushinsky. Want to see some serious anti-semitism at work? Just go to Apartheid Israel, where Bibi’s own aides speak a language of prejudice barely distinguishable from that of Nazi Germany. Or a KKKer in the US.

18. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. Same shit, different asshole. BTW, this is the same toxic turdblossom who referred to Palestinian kids as “snakes”.

19. Ted Fucking Nugent. Racist stochastic terrorist much, ShittyPants McDraftDodger?

20. Ezra Fucking Levant. Meanwhile, in Alberta, guess who’s shriiiieeeeeking about all-gender, single user washrooms in schools, claiming they will somehow lead to “rape”? Yup, the Irrelevant Putz is at it again. Hey, since he’s running out of legs to stand on, what with tar-sands oil tanking and all, he’s got to scream about SOMETHING to keep his shitty “media” site going. Otherwise, he’d have to find himself a real job, and we all know how scarce those are getting in Alberta!

21. Jack Fucking Barnes. So, who says you have to be smart to be a terrorist? Not this guy! He’s as dim a bulb as they come. So dim, in fact, that he can’t even see that what he’s so hellbent on doing is illegal.

22. Neil Fucking Wampler. What the fuck is a convicted murderer doing with a gun, and why the hell is this even legal? Especially since he pleaded not-guilty-by-reason-of-insanity, unsuccessfully, at his murder trial? And most importantly, WHY THE HELL IS HE OUT LOOSE, and why is he hijacking a bird sanctuary?

23. Rafael Fucking Cruz. Well, hello there, Ted Fucking Cruz’s equally obnoxious dad! Still batshit about commies? Yup, still got all the ol’ guano in the belfry. Still thinks that commies hate their own country. And still thinks that public works which ELEVATE a country are somehow commie plots against it. Even when they’re founded by ANTIcommies. Well, all righty, then!

24. June Fucking Fellhauer. You’re 11? You should be thinking MARRIAGE! But only if you’re a girl. Boys don’t have to worry about that purity-culture shit. So says this idiotess, at any rate. Why the hell is Colorado listening to her bullshit?

25. Carly Fucking Fiorina. You’re 4? You should be thinking ABORTION! But only about making it illegal. And preferably while bewildered and scared shitless by an age-inappropriate political talk during a preschool field trip.

26. Mary Fucking Dye. You’re a teenager? You should be thinking VIRGINITY! But again…only if you’re a girl. And you should be telling it to right-wing politicians with a bizarre and inappropriate curiosity about things which are none of their damn business. (And the answer had better be “Yes”, or you’re in deep shit, missy!)

27. Jeremy Fucking Hall. Sure, the porn you showed in class was “just a joke”. And I’m sure the one and only female firefighter there found it funny as shit, because she “chuckled”, yup. What’s not so funny, and not such a joke, is that this sort of thing is part of an overall pattern of institutional sexism and systematic sexual harassment, designed to force female firefighters out of the firehouse. The fact is, porn has NO place on any job training site, even as a “joke”. Maybe that’s why nobody’s really laughing, eh? PS: And a special FUCK YOU to the rest of the volunteer fire department of Spaniard’s Bay, too. Big, spiteful manbabies. And their women, who sound like mega-shrews themselves. PPS: Sign, sign, SIGN.

28. Mitch Fucking Holmes. What’s the matter with Kansas? THIS GUY. Apparently, he has a fetish for neo-Victorian fashions. Unfortunately, even his fellow Goopers in the state gummint don’t share that particular taste.

29. Vitus Fucking Huonder. What’s the matter with the Catholic Church? THIS GUY. Apparently, he really gets off on the idea of gay people being put to death. I’m just waiting to hear how many altar boys he molested back when he was a humble parish priest.

30. Donald Fucking Trump. Golly, it’s always SOMETHING with this guy, isn’t it? And this week, there’s so much to choose from, too. From the Paliness’s meaningless endorsement (basically, “I Quit” endorsing “You’re Fired”), to the fact that his old man was Nazified and poisonous enough to seriously rile up the great Woody Guthrie, he’s looking more and more like a candidate…for another trial at Nürnberg.

And finally, to Dwight and Steve Fucking Hammond. If you ever wonder what provoked the standoff in Oregon (which is, unbelievably, still going on, with no one but a single truck-rustler arrested!), take a good look at these two. Seems they’ve been trying to steal that bird sanctuary’s land for years. And although they’ve had the basic good sense to stand down in this instance, now they’ve inspired OTHER would-be federal land thieves — and frankly, TERRORISTS — to do similar god-awful things. AND threaten to pull a Koresh, to boot. At long last, have these fucking bastards no shame?

Good night, and get fucked!