Crappy weekend, everyone! Mang, what a week from Hades it’s been. First we lose David Bowie, then Alan Rickman, then René Angélil, and then the dude who played Grizzly Adams, all to the same shitcrapfucking disease. Yeah, fuck YOU, cancer. And fuck all these people, too, in no particular order:
1. Kim Fucking Davis. Yes, folkies, she’s baa-aack — or rather, she just won’t go away. And no, she’s STILL not doing her job, either. She showed up at the latest State of the Union address, and was looking predictably grim and grody. Who the hell invites all these tacky people, anyway? PS: Bawwww. Cry louder, emo kid.
2. Jim Fucking Jordan. Who invited #1 to the SOTU? This guy. And he claims not to know who she was, which is bizarre…aren’t you supposed to know who someone is before you hand them an invite to anything?
3. Jon Fucking Ritzheimer. Yes, HIM again. This week, Jon-Boy is miffed that people keep sending him and his terrorist buddies dildos. Well, what were they expecting? Accolades for occupying a building where they have no right to be? No, just tampons for their human shields. And French vanilla coffee creamer. Tacky, tacky people.
4. Ammon Fucking Bundy. You wanna beef about governmental “tyranny”? Hope you and your widdle fake army can afford the $70,000 a day you’re going to be billed for security costs (and likely more when the toll from your vandalism is counted), asshat.
5. Braulio Fucking Rodríguez. Meanwhile, in Spain, we get asshats in archbishops’ drag, telling women that it’s their own fault they’re being beaten by their husbands. At long last, have you no shame, padre? How about telling men that it’s a sin to beat their wives, instead? And how about finally accepting that when a marriage breaks down, violence won’t keep it together, and that a divorce is not the worst thing that could happen? Are you so hung up on “till death do us part” that you’d actually rather see women be killed?
6. Wendy Fucking Nelson. Oh goody gumdrops, yet another variation on “pray away the gay”. Newsflash, lady: Being gay is not a disease. And desperation does not lead to healing. What does? Recognizing reality for a change, and understanding that homosexuality occurs in nature, as well as in humans of all religious stripes. And finally, FINALLY, accepting it…and oh yeah, no more stupid sermons would be nice, too.
7. Dave Fucking Brat. No, you don’t own the bible; you only own a copy of it. You don’t own Christianity, either; only a shit-stupid interpretation of it. If the president wants to quote that book, he’s welcome to do so. Freedom of speech, bubba.
8. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, there goes the Coultergeist, trying desperately to remain relevant. With her usual monotonous racism. How cute! PS: Also, irony.
9. Roy Fucking Bay. Nice try, creepo, but LGBT people did NOT make you a child molester. You did that all by your icky-poo self.
10. Pete Fucking Santilli. Accusing a frightened girl of being “prostituted” by her own grandfather, just because she doesn’t want a bunch of teabagging wanks hijacking a bird sanctuary and terrorizing her town anymore? Stay classy, motherfucker.
11. Dean Fucking Esmay. Nice to see that his idea of “men’s HUMAN rights activism” is still nothing more than lobbing ugly sexist insults and murder threats via Twitter. Dino, don’t you have any kind of day job (preferably with no women in it or nearby) to go to? Or any nice, absorbing hobbies to take your mind off your mangry, mangry manger?
12. Nikki Fucking Haley. You’re the governor of a former slave state. Your own marriage would once have been illegal there because it’s interracial. And you think you had no racist laws? Jesus Christ, woman, crack open a fucking history book, fergawdsakes!
13. David Fucking Fry. Well, it’s finally official. The Amurrican Taliban has merged with Daesh and the Nazis for real, and he’s the nexus. Also, they have a website, and he built it — using government computers, very illegally. Feel proud, terrorist scumbag!
14. Donald Fucking Trump. Way to stay on top of the issues, Donnie…by demanding that some sailors be freed in Iran after they’re already free! Whatever will you do for an encore? PS: Oh. PPS: And UGH.
15. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. A million-dollar investment in Alberta oil if Premier Rachel Notley resigns? Oh, fuck off. A million dollars is nothing to the oilpatch, anyway — especially now that the loonie, thanks to your boy Harpo and his unsound fiscal policies, is sitting at 70 cents US. And from what I hear, Albertans are actually liking their “socialist” premier just fine. You can cram your $700,000 promise up your pompous ass. And oh yeah, stop trying to foment a coup d’état. This is CANADA. We don’t do that shit up here!
16. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Oh, so you’re gonna move to Ireland when Bernie Sanders wins? What are you, afraid of a democratic socialist Jew being president? And what do you think the Irish will say to that? I’m going to go wayyyy out on a limb here and guess something to the effect of “Oh no, not THAT feckin’ eejit! Jaysus, go home, you horse’s arse!”
17. Jeff Fucking Popick. If you’re wondering who’s responsible for that awful remake of “Over There” which was “sung” (and I use the word loosely) at #14’s Hitlerjugend rally, this is the guy. Please, don’t quit your day job. And don’t turn your little daughter into The Donald’s performing monkey, either.
18. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Oh hooray, here’s Hucky Fudd, pontificating about economics, a subject he obviously knows nothing about. Why else would he claim that the richest people, who are in the highest tax bracket, are the hardest workers? Everybody knows they got rich by getting others to do all the fucking work for them, and then confiscating their unpaid labor. As for the really grossly offensive part about training dogs, I have a better idea: How about we get Hucky neutered like a dog, so he’ll stop humping capitalism’s leg? PS: Ha, ha.
19. Michele Fucking Bachman. Oh joy, here’s the Breeder, pontificating about equality, revolution, and government, all subjects she obviously knows nothing about. Why else would she claim that God opposes hate-crime legislation? Idiot, I hereby refer you to the First Gospel according to St. John, chapter 4, verse 8. Go now, and sin no more.
20. Fred Fucking Henry. Tell ya what, Bishop: How about the Catholic Church pays to run its own schools, instead of taking taxpayer money (on top of tithes!) and kvetching incessantly about government rules? That way, at least, you won’t have to be accountable to government by going on mongering your hate for LGBT people…some of whom also happen to be Catholic. (Also, hearing you calling the government narrow-minded when you’re busy slamming it for not being LGBT-phobic enough is downright rich.)
21. Rick Fucking Santorum. And while we’re on the subject of hatemongers and ignorami, how about Buttsploodge? He seriously thinks that only heterosexual parents can fix the economy. Or that kids can be held hostage to his bizarre theories of economics. Or…oh, I dunno. With Icky Ricky, you can pretty much eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than whatever the fuck he’s saying. PS: Ha, ha.
22. Ted Fucking Cruz. And again with the hatemongers and ignorami. Oh sweet Jesus, please do something to make sure this creep gets disqualified, and everyone who was there with him gets disgraced. PS: No, we don’t want him in Canada, either. If he hates what he calls “New York values”, he’s gonna shit himself when he sees ours.
23. Nicole Fucking Arbour. Dear Unfunny Bigoted Wannabe Comedian: You suck. Your vlogging sucks. Your hair and makeup suck. Your whole outlook sucks. And the fact that you do it to bait us for clicks and make money off other people’s outrage? SUCKS. Also, you smell like cheap perfume and flop sweat. Have I told you yet that you suck?
24. Sue Fucking Stenhouse. Can’t get any real seniors to pose at your photo ops? No problem. Just get some non-seniors to dress up in drag. Voilà! Instant convincingness!
25. Mark Fucking Skinner. Mansplainer mansplains manspreading. But hey! At least he didn’t use the “our balls are too big to keep our legs closed” excuse. His excuse? Shoulders! No, really. SCIENCE!
26. Rick Fucking Morris. Whitesplainer whitesplains abortion. As slavery. Again. God, this is getting tiresome.
27. Richard Fucking Suter. Four months in jail, plus a 30-month licence suspension? That’s not “excessive” for killing a little kid — that’s entirely too lenient. Just for having the chutzpah to claim that, though, would make me tack on more time, if I were the judge.
28. Rick Fucking Snyder. Speaking of chutzpah, get a load of him. First he cheaped out on regulation and environmental protection. He ignored a warning that came from the federal level. Now that there’s a lead-poisoning crisis going on in Flint, he wants the feds to step in and take care of it? Well, so do I…and I’d like them to start by arresting him and putting his murdering ass in jail. PS: And this isn’t helping either.
29. Mark Fucking Pody. Funny how fiscal conservatives never seem to realize how much their bullshit is actually going to cost the taxpayer. Especially when it’s bullshit designed to enforce social inequality…in this case, institutional homophobia. Fortunately, the people of Tennessee aren’t so stupid.
30. Justin Fucking Welby. Excommunicating the entire US branch of the Anglican church for conducting same-sex weddings and actually ministering to the spiritual needs of LGBT Christians? Looks like the Right Reverend also needs to review 1 John 4:8.
And finally, to all the fucking cockwombles who felt it their bounden duty (as men, no doubt) to spew all over Emma Watson when she paid tribute to her late colleague and good friend, Alan Rickman…by quoting something pro-feminist which the man actually said. Way to go, guys, you just pissed on his grave before it was even dug. Penis Power!!! Orrrrr maybe not.
Good night, and get fucked!
