Crappy weekend, everyone! Forget the Illuminati, folks, the Obliterati are where it’s at. And yes, their candidate is who you think it is. Or should I say, WHAT you think it is? Yeah. Anyhow, there it is. And here’s who I wish it would land on and obliterate utterly this week, in no particular order:
1. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. “Next you’re going to ask about his taxes”? Damn tootin’, because Drumpf hasn’t released them yet, and it is his duty to do so. The public has a right to know why he’s evading paying them. And no, it wasn’t the Clinton camp that tried to politicize the FBI. That would be YOUR party, you moron. And above all, rape is NOT a minor thing compared to a bunch of e-mails that already checked out as not being criminal, you fucking DOLT. Rape is major. Major, major, MAJOR. No matter how long ago it was. PS: Oh lord, this again? Lady, a bunch of virgins thrown down a volcano (quite literally, in Drumpf’s case) don’t count as sacrifices on HIS part, you moron.
2. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. Not that Der Drumpf is ever actually sincere about upholding LGBT rights or anything, but he seems to be happy enough to hold up a rainbow flag just to pander to some poor delusional souls who think he cares about their rights (AND take money from an equally delusional gay billionaire). And what does Batshit do? Call for him to be put to death for it. Um, isn’t that kind of extreme? You know, like those extremist so-called Muslims that Batshit is always going on about?
3 and 4. Frank Fucking Cho and Milo Fucking Manara. People didn’t like your picture of Spider-Woman’s porn-posed ass? Well, don’t bother apologizing, and certainly don’t bother even TRYING to learn anything from your mistake (and the well-deserved criticism you got). Instead, throw a hissy fit over not being allowed to sexualize Wonder Woman in a similar way…AND have your buddy draw Spider-Woman’s pornified labia, too! (Why do I get the feeling that this is as close as either of you is ever going to get to the actual thing?) PS: Ha, ha!
5. Musleh Fucking Khan. I’m going to make this clear and simple for the hard of thinking (like this guy, who’s Toronto’s Muslim police chaplain): NO WOMAN OWES SEX TO ANY MAN. And especially not under conditions of “obedience” in marriage. If she has to “force herself” to go along with what he wants, HE IS FORCING HER. And oh yeah: SAYING NO IS NOT A SIN. Clear now?
6. Sid Fucking Miller. It’s a day ending in “day”, and a right-wing Texan has called a woman a misogynous slur, and then claimed it was somebody else’s fault. Ho hum, ain’t no news. Hey, you know what would be news to me? If a right-wing politcian from ANYWHERE actually demonstrated respect for women in general, and for female political opponents in particular. Oh yeah, and if he actually showed some fucking ACCOUNTABILITY FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS, too.
7. Jim Fucking Bakker. God will judge the US for not electing Drumpf? Yes, and She will judge the country favorably. Because one thing She takes a very dim view of is TV preachers who take Her name in vain to make $$$ off the gullible.
8. Jerry Fucking Dias. Riddle me this: what is the leader of one of Canada’s largest unions doing, making personal political campaign contributions to a right-winger who touts the idea of snitch-lines so that other wingnuts can report “barbaric cultural practices” and other “anti-Canadian values”? Oh…she’s your friend? Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas, Jerry.
9. Scott Fucking Adams. Don’t mind Dilbert, folks, he’s just drunk again. But he’s not as think as you drunk he is! Honest, ossifer.
10. Lance Fucking Wallnau. Aaaaaand AGAIN with #7. Funny how these wankers tend to cluster. And I bet that if you sniffed ‘em from up close, you’d detect a distinct odor of mothballs about them all, too!
11. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. If there’s one thing I’m truly looking forward to from all these fucking neo-Nazis on the 8th, it’s when they finally, FINALLY follow their Führer’s lead. And yes, I am talking about what happened in the Berlin bunker.
12. William Fucking Helker. Jayzus, what is it with all these Holy Joes? Would you trust this guy with YOUR kids, if you have any? Personally, I’m glad I don’t have ‘em at all, and gladder still to have left Lutheranism behind me. “Youth pastor” really is the ultimate job title for pedopervs, is it not?
13. Scott Fucking Walker. Oh look, Simple Scotty is now campaigning for the Dems! Ha, ha.
14. Steven Fucking Hotze. Gays are some kind of Kremlin plot from the old USSR, he says. Bit late for that, don’t you think? The Soviet Union is no more, and Pooty-Poot has enough on his plate, what with oligarchs and crooks at home. He hasn’t got time to set LGBT people on anyone.
15. Scott Michael Fucking Greene. Killing two cops execution-style: That’s a crime. But the reason he did it? That’s a wank. Namely: he believes the ones he killed are the same who ejected him from a high-school football game after he showed up with a Confederate flag (that’s treason!) to “protest” blacks not standing for the national anthem, which he considered a violation of HIS “civil rights”. This onion, it’s just racist ironies all the way down.
16. James Fucking Comey. In his haste to throw the election, he threw a teenage sexting victim under the Drumpf campaign bus. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
17. Mark Fucking Rowicki. School principals are supposed to have excellent judgment. But if this one had any, he’d be the one wearing the orange prison jumpsuit while dressed as Drumpf for Halloween. Wouldn’t you think?
18. John Fucking Merrill. Uh, voter registration isn’t a contest you win; it’s an inalienable right of every citizen of legal voting age in a democracy. And since this guy doesn’t seem to realize that, I have to wonder if he even took civics, much less passed it.
19. David Fucking Duke. Hillary Clinton should get WHAT? No, dude, I think you’ve got her ass confused with yours again.
20. Maria Fucking Daly. Well, I knew that the cops were racist…but it seems that at least some of their spouses are, too. This one faked a burglary and some Black Lives Matter graffiti on her own home. I have trouble seeing anything other than pure, spiteful racism as the motive.
21. Nathan Fucking Deal. And while we’re on the subject of spiteful racists, how I sure do wish I could pelt this one with rotten peaches.
22. Brock Fucking Denton. And MOAR racism! I’m no fan of Bill Cosby, for obvious reasons, but to anyone who insists that “the South will rise again”, I have just one response: Not with minstrel-show morons like this in its colleges, it won’t.
23. Julien Fucking Clément. You hate gays and will kill them if they “approch” you? Well, isn’t that special. Interesting that the shirt revealing your shitty attitude is purple. Is that a faint whiff of mothballs I smell? About you AND your gamer buddies? Because damn, dude, my gaydar just went woop woop woop.
24. Yan Fucking Miller. You and #23…what are you? Both in the same closet together? Yeah, gays get a flag and a parade, and you can’t have a stinkin’ shirt, because they’ve been killed by thugs like you just for being gay, and you haven’t been killed by anyone for having a stinkin’ shirt that tells the world what a fucking dickhead you are. Now grow the fuck up and learn that bigotry has consequences, little boy.
25. Michael Fucking Fallon. Oh, oh. “Sir” Michael, is it? Yeah, the Queen might want to rescind that title now, because Sir Bat Guano has decided to unilaterally declare war on Russia for no apparent reason.
26. Patrick Fucking Liebrecht. Newsflash: Revenge porn isn’t something you see in National Geographic. It’s something you see coming from assholes who are mad at former girlfriends or wives for leaving them, and who have kept their nude photos just for the purpose of humiliating them. In short: It’s a nasty tool, just like this dude.
27. Kim Fucking Davis. Yes, she’s ba-ack! Still not doing her job. And still not paying her damages. Pay the fuck up and get the fuck out, you twatwaffle.
29. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yeah, great election-winning strategy you got there, you cuckleheaded cucklefuck. See, I can do this cuck-cuck-cucky name-calling thing too! And I can do it better than you. Naaa, naaa.
30. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Quite aside from the offensive stereotype that all blacks live in ghettoes, or are dumb enough to take drugs and liquor instead of going out to vote: Is this moron even aware that drug-pushing and handing out liquor on the street is actually illegal? As is interfering in any way with other people’s right to vote?
And finally, to Melania Fucking Drumpf. Oh, Melania. Melania, Melania, Melania. You say you’re against online bullying? That’s great! Now tell your husband to delete his Twitter account. Because not only does he use it for the very thing you say you’re against, but he’s also got an army of asshole followers who worship him…and do the same thing under MULTIPLE accounts. In the name of fascism and white supremacy and gunwankery and Bog only knows what all else, too.
Oh, and while you’re still busy talking: Could you kindly stop plagiarizing your speeches? It’s kind of embarrassing when you’re lifting words from Marla Maples, of all people.
Good night, and get fucked!