Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Easter to all who are celebrating it. Just a word of advice to those who have to fly this weekend: Stay the hell off United Airlines, whatever you do. You already know why, eh? And here’s who else to avoid like the grungy kitchen of Mar-a-Lago this week, in no particular order:
1. Kendall Fucking Jenner. Last week, she was ridiculed for appearing in an ill-conceived ad that suggested that all our social problems could be solved by giving the cops a stinkin’ can of Pepsi. This week, she tops it by fretting about her all-important IMAGE. How out of touch can you get? VERY. Pro tip for those who really care: The place to unite is not around a pop can, but around the people who are protesting capitalism. You have pots of money? Donate some to progressives in need. Don’t just “feel good”, DO THE RIGHT FUCKING THING.
2. Jian Fucking Ghomeshi. Hey! Remember him? He’s baaaaaack…not that anybody really gives a shit. But hey, he’s got another vanity project going, in which he’s playing the alienated exile! Ladies, do you forgive him yet? NO? I don’t blame you. He’s done absolutely NOTHING to make amends for all the harm he’s done. Fuck off, Jian, and keep fucking off.
3. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Hey! Remember HER? She never left, and more’s the pity.
4. Robert Fucking Bentley. Pro tip for cheatin’ fambly-values gubnors: If you’re gonna send yucky texts to your mistress, TRY not to sync all the same messages to your wife’s iPad, oak hay? PS: Buhbye. Ha, ha.
5. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. And in other shitty gubernatorial news, we have him…mulling a run for the top job in the state of New York. Sez the politics bug bit him. Let’s hope it finishes him off. PS: Especially since he’s a homophobic chip off the old man’s block. PPS: And again the unprofessional Drumpf Dummpf strikes with a vengeance. Your political bug is gonna nuke you, Diaper Donnie.
6. Eric Fucking Drumpf. And while we’re at it with shitty Drumpf spawn, we also have him…making the case for nepotism. Which can fuck right off.
7. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. And sticking with the Spawn of Cheeto Satan until we run out of nepotistic hires, we have her…making the case for bombing Syria by being upset about teh baybeez, thus causing Old Orange Face to fire off the boner-compensating missiles. DADDY!!!
8. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Meanwhile, #7’s reputed crushboy has just signalled that he’s totally willing to do the very thing we Canadians have been groaning about and facepalming over in our Conservative prime ministers since forever…namely, toadying to that god-awful Goliath to the south of us, instead of making like a capital-L Liberal David. What a sunny waste this Trudizzle is. Clearly he’s forgotten how his old man riled up Tricky Dick Nixon and made friends with Fidel Castro instead, as people with spines do.
9. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Need yet another reason to yoink Billo off the air and out of the public eye? Here you go. (You’re welcome!)
11. José Fucking Antonio Fucking Sánchez. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine it is to excuse the massacre of Aztecs by Conquistadors, on the grounds that the Aztecs were (a) comparable to Nazis, and (b) in sore need of that civilizing, Christianizing influence that the plague-ridden, racist, massacring Spaniards brought to the Americas.
12. Joe Fucking Wilson. Hey! Remember him? He lied. Again. And people called him on it, too. Repeatedly. Ha, ha.
13. Steve Fucking Housser. Yes, providing homes to the homeless DOES sound like communism. But really, why is this a BAD thing? Would you rather see people starving and dying on the street? What a good little crapitalist you are.
14. Kyle Fucking Chapman. So, you got your ass beaten by a bunch of skateboarding kids? Serves you right for calling them “cowards” and “cocksuckers”. Sic semper imbecilis, fascist scum.
15. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Yes, Jeffy-Poo, we KNOW this is the “Trump Era”. And, Gods willing, it will be not just nasty and brutish, but short…like your boss’s filthy fingers, and YOURS.
16. Mick Fucking Mulvaney. Before slashing government agencies, departments, and services, you might want to acquaint yourself with what they do. Especially if you’re overseeing and/or slashing their budgets, you fucking moron.
17. Bill Fucking Cash. No, Sir Oaf, it’s not the UK’s oil. It’s SCOTLAND’s. And you had best pray that Scotland doesn’t Brexit on you, because there will go one more source of…wait for it…CASH.
18. Arturo di Fucking Modica. So, let’s see if I got this straight: Sculptor who installed a bronze bull statue — the literal embodiment of the golden calf you’re not supposed to worship — on Wall St. without a permit…is now all butthurt because another sculptor installed a little girl staring it down? Masculinity doesn’t get any more fucking fragile.
19. Scott Fucking Pruitt. Not a single federal dollar shall go towards protecting the environment from money- and power-hungry crapitalists. But somehow, there’s ALWAYS room in the budget for a 24/7 security detail for the shit-eater who’s letting all the rape, plunder and despoliation go unchecked? Uh, how about NO? And how about JAIL?
20. Larry Fucking Pittman. Abe Lincoln was as bad as Hitler…for freeing the slaves? One of these things is not like the other, motherfucker.
21. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh, the irony…of a failed pickup artist (and incipient terrorist) writing to Big Daddy Gummint to get them to stop being Big Daddy Gummint to all those terroristic wimminzes, and start being Big Daddy Gummint to him!
22. Markwayne Fucking Mullin. So, you think it’s “bullcrap” that your constituents actually pay your salary? Well, you know, they could always STOP paying your salary. Let’s see what kind of “service” you’d be providing them then, Mr. State Rep With A Bullcrap First Name.
23. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. It’s hard out here for a pimp…especially when what he’s pimping is Presidunce Pussygrabber. And doing it by idiotically comparing him to Martin Luther King.
24. Danielle Fucking Bregoli. Honey, knock it off with the bogus street tweets. You’re just a little snotnose with a shit attitude, and your 15 minutes of fame-for-nothing were over last year. Ain’t nobody coming to cash OR catch you outside anymore. Whatever contract you signed is about to be cancelled for severe lack of interest on the part of the general public. Now eat your Brussels sprouts and do your homework and go back to obscurity where you belong like a good little brat, okay?
25. Charlie Fucking Spiering. Yeah, Bitefart “reporter”…why CAN’T your readership have the truth? Oh yeah…because they’ve been brainwashed and suckered by FUX Snooze for so long that they now thing that “fair and balanced” means “leans so far to the right that it falls over flat on its side and proceeds to dig a hole with its right hand, all the way to China.”
26. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. No, no, dear, not “liars”. It’s “purveyors of alternative facts”, remember?
27. Mike Fucking Pompeo. And again with the “Wikileaks is a spy agency!” crapola. Whom are they spying for? Oh, I see…NOBODY. So, WTF is a “hostile non-state intelligence service”? Since when have those even existed? Methinks somebody is butthurt because their little game is up and they’ve been rendered obsolete by geeks on the internet. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: And looky what we have here: Mikey liked them before he hated them. Consistency: never a Repug strong point.
28. Brian Fucking McDowell. No, dude, nobody should fuck you. It seems you’re already fucked anyhow, if you think a video of you making passes at a stranger while drunk off your ass shows your “confidence”. And no, you’re not Jesus, either, so don’t reach for that lame old comparison. Actually, you’re an asshole, and you deserve to die unlaid and alone.
29. Jim Fucking Sensenbrenner. “Nobody’s got to use the internet”? Well, maybe this moss-encrusted old coot doesn’t, but everybody else does. Maybe it’s time to start electing politicians who are aware of changes in the way things are done, eh?
30. Thomas Fucking Low. “Sometimes great men do bad things”, eh? Yeah, and sometimes a man who molests his female relatives just isn’t that great a man. Sometimes, in fact, regardless of his social standing, he’s just a shit…and so are judges who make excuses for shits like him.
And finally, to Der Fucking Drumpf himself, who went out of his way to suck the world into World War III this week. Whether it was not-so-casual threats against North Korea or ordering a missile strike on Syria while chowing down on Mar-a-Lago’s mediocre (and germ-ridden) chocolate cake, Donnie became truly presiduncial this week. At this rate, his opponents won’t have to make a case for impeachment; they might just get lucky and have him go down with a bomb, like Major Kong.
Good night, and get fucked!