Wankers of the Week: People who just need a Pepsi

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to whoever made that god-awful Kendall Jenner ad for Pepsi. You people were really on top of your game there, weren’t you? Yeah…ain’t nobody drinkin’ Coke now, because they’d just be spraying it out their nose from laughing so hard. And here’s who else is good for a spray of soda out the nose, in no particular order:

1. Russell Fucking Peters. A crowd of young girls isn’t “a felony waiting to happen” — men who would take advantage of those girls are. And thanks, again, for making me want to do everything BUT laugh, you unfunny clown.

2. Janet Fucking Mefferd. When progressive Christians quote scripture, “it turns into something monstrous”? Boy, I’ll say. It turns into a monstrous indictment of right-wing hypocrisy and its routine use of religion as justification for everything, up to and including MURDER.

3. Michael Fucking Howard. Hey, I’ve got a terrific idea. Instead of the UK going to war over Gibraltar, how about making good on your promise to fuck off out of Europe by fucking off out of Europe? Because Gibraltar IS in Europe, even if you’re not.

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4. Fergus Fucking Wilson. Waaaa, he doesn’t like being called a racist…for discriminating against non-white tenants and saying racist things about them! Such a special widdle snowflake. Would you like a cookie there in your safe space, Fergie?

5. Pat Fucking Buchanan. I don’t know what amazes me more…that ol’ Paddy ain’t dead yet, or that he thinks Pooty-Poot is “godly”. I’m gonna go with “ain’t dead yet”, if that’s okay with you.

6. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. What’s dumber: Juicebro giving an interview in which he makes it clear that he’s totally at odds with reality, or Drumpf’s spokesdroid promoting said TV interview? I’m gonna go with Ms. Promote-a-Loser, if that’s okay with you.

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7. Rachel Fucking Dolezal. Privileged white woman claims she’s black — oh sorry, “transracial” — and that she’s more oppressed for doing so than actual transgender people are for being actually trans. Never mind that transgender people are actually killed for being the way they are, i.e., for EXISTING, and Rachel is not facing anything worse than a bit of public ridicule for her insistence on being something that doesn’t even exist.

8. Theodore Fucking Beale. Meanwhile, in other racist news, we have this guy…who thinks rap music doesn’t exist. An assertion which must come as quite the surprise to quite the number of actual, existing rappers.

9. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. No, Diaper Don, Juicebro didn’t break any news at all. He repeated an idiotic rumor with no basis in fact. No Pulitzer for him, but a Bullshitzer for the both of you!

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10. Jason Fucking Kenney. First he thinks kids who join gay-straight alliances at school should be outed. Now (after a shitstorm of criticism and flack) he says he doesn’t. But he does, “except when the parents are abusive” — huh? Well, Jason? Which is it? And exactly how do you propose to determine in advance who’s an abusive parent (unworthy to know) and who’s not abusive (worthy)? I have so many questions, but I doubt I’ll ever get a straight (ha, ha) answer out of you.

11. Sean Fucking Spicer. Damn, son! Do you need some Ozonol for that burn? Because you done got your ass TOLD.

12. Ezra Fucking Levant. Is Ezzy the Putz good for the Jews? Jews say NO! And apparently, so does the Ryerson University community, who turned their backs on the campus Conservatives. Ha, ha.

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13. Bryan Fucking Fischer. The originator of the LGBT rainbow flag recently passed away. This moron’s response? “Cultural appropriation! He stole the rainbow from GOD!” No, he “stole” it from NATURE. And if he “stole” it, then so did the inventer of Lucky Charms cereal, and the inventor of Skittles candies, and so on, and so on, and so on…

14. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. She didn’t know what the definition of complicit was. Fortunately, a dictionary was there to spell it all out for her. PS: And nice try at having things both ways, too. PPS: Oh HELL no.

15. Kenneth Fucking Copeland. Gay kids are a “punishment” for not supporting an adulterer who routinely cheats people out of money he owes them, sexually harasses women, lusts after his own daughter, and who pays prostitutes to wet beds while he watches? Given the number of fabtabulous LGBT people I know, I’d say they’re not a punishment but a reward. And, speaking as a woman who’s had her tubes tied without having kids first, I have to say that “barrenness” is no punishment, either.

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16. Mark Fucking Fenton. He’s mad because he was found guilty of disrespecting the right to a peaceful protest during the G-20 in 2010, when he ordered the “kettling” of hundreds of people who hadn’t done anything wrong? Gee, I guess he’s just not feeling himself. Maybe we should ask Kendall Fucking Jenner to offer him a liquid Snickers…er, PEPSI.

17. Bob Fucking Onder. When you’re so fucking obsessed with abortion that you can’t even discuss a zoo without bringing it up, that’s when it’s time to make an appointment with the mental-health counselor, old son.

18. Pat Fucking Robertson. Hold up…Patwa is being “dominated” by “homosexuals”? Well, thanks for sharing your sexual fantasies with all the world, Patwa. Ugh.

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19. Betsy Fucking DeVos. She can dish pain and misery out to students, but she can’t take it when they hurl some back at her. Why am I not surprised?

20. Hans Fucking Fiene. I took an informal poll of my male friends, and all the respondents agreed: This guy is full of fucking shit. The “Friend Zone” is the product of a silly ‘90s sitcom that really should be left for dead already (I never watched so I missed the episode). And if women don’t want to have buckets of babies, they shouldn’t fucking HAVE to. This guy is just a racist who’s worried about being made a minority — and treated the way American whites have treated minorities since the slave era. Relax, dude. Head out of ass. Chill pill. And BREATHE.

21. Stephen Fucking Bannon. Oh my, what have we here? An old man using the word “cuck” like a teenage basement-dweller covered in Cheeto dust? Yup. And oh yeah: “Globalist” makes an appearance, too. Damn. Why are all the dogs barking? In any case, it’s funny as fuck that this Nazi got yoinked from his post by, of all people, an orthodox Jew. And he’s MAD. Because he got the “gunfight” he wanted, and lost it. Ha, ha.

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22. Jared Fucking Kushner. Lest anyone think I’m playing favorites here, let me remind you that this guy’s presence in the White House is down to sheer nepotism. And shitty business skills, good only for running everything straight into the ground. He’s still preferable over #21, but only marginally.

23. Lynn Fucking Beyak. Dang, I just heard the dogs barking again. What could have set them off? Oh yeah: The “Silent Majority” dogwhistle. No, stupid, the majority of Canadians — silent or not — is NOT with you on this one, you racist fucking bitch. Don’t confuse us with your fellow Conservaturds.

24. Kelvin Fucking Ogilvie. And speaking of Conservaturds, there’s this one…projecting his own parasitism on the media, who are actually doing their fucking JOBS. And he’s pretending he didn’t say it, when the people doing their fucking JOBS caught him on tape saying it!

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25. Nikki Fucking Haley. Yeah, that attempt to blame Russia for what is most likely the work of Turkey and the al-Nusra Front is kind of a fail, wouldn’t you say? Especially since Russia’s the country that’s actually accomplishing things over there.

26. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Well, there goes any notion that he’d ever stand up to Drumpf on anything. Yup, he’s a bomb-Syria cheerleader, just wavin’ his bomb-bomb pom-poms. But he’s a FEMINIST bomb-Syria cheerleader, you guys!

27. Alex Fucking Jones. Like I said, I’m not Team Kushner. But this guy is just so full of shit (about him, Ivanka and Bog only knows who all else) that every time he flaps his gums, a turd falls out. BTW, Alex…what the hell happened to the Putin-worship? Is that all over now that you have to choose between him and Daddy Drumpf?

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28. Robert Fucking Bentley. So, to recap: Family Values is based on Traditional Marriage. And as everyone knows, Traditional Marriage is between one man, one woman, and one mistress. And apparently, it also demands massive heaps of public hypocrisy. Yes, folks, that’s right…hypocrisy and lying are Family Values!

29. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Drumpf’s airstrikes on Syria are “FAKE and GAY”? Yeah, Milo…just like YOU. Clutch your fake pearls a little harder, wouldja?

30. Ann Fucking Coulter. Yay! Always nice to know we can rely on the Coultergeist to say something utterly idiotic, ghoulish, and uncalled-for. Hey North Korea, if you’re gonna shoot anyone, could you aim just for HER?

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And finally, to Der Drumpf and all his cartoon-frog-worshipping little ass-barnacles out there. Hope you guys enjoy eating each other, because Meals on Wheels got cancelled so your Dear Leader could have his wars AND his golf at Mar-a-Lago, too. Why yes, I AM enjoying your collective demise and permanent loss of credibility. Your political clout? That’s next. Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

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