Wankers of the Week: Roger Fucking Ailes Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the late unlamented Roger Fucking Ailes, may he rot in hell. He will be eternally reviled. But at least his cursed name will never be listed here again. These people, on the other hand, will enjoy no such luck…in no particular order:

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. Awww. Look, everybody, the Coultergeist haz a mad! Buckle up, Annie, it’s gonna get awful impeachy out there before long. Ha, ha.

2. Rodney Fucking Frelinghuysen. What’s this we have here? An old-timey mafiosic attempt to get one’s opponent fired from a job where they’re doing nothing wrong? Charming. And to think people wonder why other people are opposing Drumpf, his supporters, and their whole agenda. I think we have a clue here, Mr. Watson.

3. Jim Fucking Bakker. Comedy is “the spirit of the Antichrist”, now? No, Jimmeh, that’s just YOU.

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4. Michael Fucking Cohen. No, no one’s jealous of your “hawt” daughter. Everyone’s aghast that her own dad is perving on her and pimping her out just like Drumpf with his “piece of ass”, you gross-ass fucking letch. (And also that you’re the guy who said that “you can’t rape your spouse”. I assume that also means you can’t rape your own kid? Double-ew.)

5. Kara Fucking McCullough. Healthcare is a privilege? Nuh-unh, sweetie. Being Miss USA is a privilege, and so’s rejecting feminism. Healthcare is a basic human right, and every developed country OTHER than the US of Amnesia knows it. And feminism is what got you the right to that education and well-paying job you take for granted, too, dear.

6. Oliver Fucking Sohngen. Well, whaddya know: Pizzagate IS real after all! Only it wasn’t Comet Ping Pong, it was Chuck E. Cheese. And it wasn’t run by Hillary Clinton, it was some nameless cheeseball kiddie-pimp in the Bronx. CHARMING.

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7. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, dumbass, SNL mocking your idiot daughter isn’t misogyny. Because they’re not mocking her for her gender, they’re mocking her for being a brainless product of nepotism.

8. Robert Fucking Fisher. When a state governor from your own party thinks you should resign, that’s a pretty good indication that you should RESIGN. Not dig in deeper with this “fake news” crap after you’ve been exposed as a leading “redpiller” and misogynist pig extraordinaire, bub. And certainly not going on with this “men’s rights” bullshit. PS: Aaaand he’s gonzo. That didn’t take long! Ha, ha.

9. Yoav Fucking Galant. Assassinate the presidents of Iran and Syria? Uh, no. It’s actually time for you to sit down and shut the fuck up before your zio-fascist ass gets you into any more hot water.

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10. Alex Fucking Jones. Ugh, dude, PLEASE don’t share your sexual fantasies in public. Isn’t it bad enough that you strip down to your underwear in front of your own kids to promote your dumb virility-enhancing snake oil?

11. Ezra Fucking Levant. If you don’t want to get called a Nazi, don’t give any platform to Nazis. Otherwise, you’re guilty not only by association, but also by aiding and abetting. See how that works?

12. Tammy Fucking Bruce. No, FUX Snoozie, you’re not “giving birth to snowflakes”. You’re shitting from your mouth, and grossing other people out. Stop that.

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13. Darrell Fucking Issa. Classy…but what does one expect from a car thief and insurance rip-off artist?

14. Tristan Fucking Tucker. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one actual wanker, how about this one? He broke into his grandma’s house and stole a security camera. Why? So Grandma wouldn’t see him wank after he got horny while watching porn on his phone. And now not only she, but the whole world knows what he was doing in there. Smooth.

15. Mike Fucking Pence. You know you’re a god-awful god-botherer when even the arch-Catholic Notre Dame University has a walkout on your commencement speech, over your anti-LGBT views. Might be a good idea not to sign this one to any more commencements, eh?

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16. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Looks like Dear Old Dad isn’t the only Drumpf who believes inanely in rule-by-tweet. Sonnyboy Diaper Don is also in on the act. And how fucking ludicrous is it that they wanted James Comey to cut Mikey Fucking Flynn some slack because, and I quote, “he is a good man”? Funny, but good men don’t do what Mikey did. Or Dear Old Dad did, either.

17. Stephen Fucking Miller. How surreal is it that this little shit, famous mainly for his overt racism and flashing of white-power gang signs, is writing Drumpf’s speech on the merits of Islam, to be given in Saudi Arabia? Let’s put it this way: It’s not through the Looking Glass, it has fucking SHATTERED the Looking Glass. I really don’t want to hang around for the grand finale, though, where some mad member of royalty shouts “Off with his head!” — because in Saudi Arabia, that’s exactly what happens, and all too often.

18. Brandon Fucking Vezmar. Dude. Your date didn’t work out. Don’t be a misogynist shit about it. Cut your losses and move on…because when your frivolous suit gets thrown out, you’re gonna be out a lot more than the cost of a lousy movie ticket. (On the other hand, at least all the women who might consider dating you will now have been warned in advance.)

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19. Alex Fucking Jones. Well, well. Look who’s eating crow again! Hey, I hear it tastes especially good with GREEK YOGURT, ha ha.

20. Jonathan Fucking Kay. Just so you know what’s NOT up for debate (or “debate”) here: Racism and bigotry. Specifically, HIS racism and bigotry. He’s out of the Walrus now, and no doubt the mag will start to smell better and be readable again soon. The only question is how he managed to get hired there in the first place, because his track record as a National Pest bigot isn’t exactly unknown. PS: Aaaand he compounds the wank by lecturing others — including the insulted and injured — on manners in this inane “debate”. Well, I never.

21. Rob Fucking Steudle. And while we’re on the topic of racist bigots, how about this one? And just think, he’s a cop. Oh wait, that’s not surprising at all, is it? The cops aren’t hiring brains, and they sure as hell aren’t hiring progressive and thoughtful ones, either.

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22. David Fucking Clarke. And speaking of the lack of brains among police: Dude, what the fuck is up with the fake army uniforms? Who are you trying to fool with that? Real army uniform-wearers aren’t dumb, you know. PS: And what’s up with this strangely-timed trip to Russia? Inquiring minds, etc.

23. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Hello, Joe, whaddya know? You’re not popular even among your fellow former partisans. AND you’re working for a law firm attached to Drumpf, which is no doubt why he’s making noises about appointing you head of the FBI. Sucks to be you, Joe.

24. Michel Fucking Temer. Remind me again why Dilma Rousseff was ousted from the presidency of Brazil? Someone? Anyone?

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25. Dan Fucking Patrick. So this is how you get things done in the Texas Legislature? Threaten anyone who won’t pass bills discriminating against trans people and favoring rich non-taxpayers, by making them stay in session all summer until they do? You, sir, are an undemocratic fucking THUG.

26. Bob Fucking Beckel. Too racist for FUX Snooze all of a sudden? My, my, how things HAVE changed!

27. Miri Fucking Regev. When you show up at Cannes dressed to celebrate an illegal occupation, don’t expect the Internets to treat you, OR your dress, with any respect. Ha, ha.

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28. Sarah Fucking Palin. No, Tim Fucking Allen’s show didn’t get cancelled for his right-wing politics. But please, DO go on making a fool of yourself. I need more comedy in my life, and lord knows Timmeh ain’t supplying it.

29. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Look who forgot 9-11! Yeah…THIS GUY. Who used to be mayor of the city where the worst of it happened, WHEN it happened, and who really ought to know that you don’t put flammables and cigar cutters in your carry-on bag.

30. Nigel Fucking Farage. Look who’s projecting again! Yeah…THIS GUY. Who led his country into a disastrous referendum result, then stepped down as head of the UK Disaster Party. And now he’s giving interviews that prove that he’s truly lost the plot, and is trying to blame everyone else for it. At long last, sir, have you no fucking SHAME?

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And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf himself. He’s had quite the banner week, hasn’t he…from letting Sultan Erdogan’s Erdo-GOONS beat up some harmless Kurdish demonstrators in DC, to throwing a hissy fit when he wasn’t allowed to land his helicopter at Masada, to…oh gawd, I can’t look. I don’t want to. And yet, I have to…because the horror and the stoopid don’t stop when you click the TV off, kiddies. And it won’t be over until he’s either impeached or arrested, whichever comes first.

Good night, and get fucked!

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