Wankers of the Week: Stoopidgate

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a crappy week it’s been. Teh Stoopid has not only broken out all over the place, it’s erupted…like a bad case of boils. I’m not even going to list the main cause of it all (you know who THAT is) — I’m just going to list everyone else who was caught fapping. And this week, in no particular order, they are:

1. Raul Fucking Labrador. No one in the US dies from lack of access to health care? Uh, actually, THAT HAPPENS ALL THE DAMN TIME UNDER CAPITALISM. It did before Obamacare, during, and now that medical costs for “pre-existing conditions” are about to go through the roof, it’s going to happen at a downright criminal rate. And speaking of criminal: If you voted for that, why the fuck are you not in jail?

2. Matt Fucking Dean. Oh sure, it’s only the anti-fascists who are thugs. Never mind the actual neo-Nazis, with actual guns, who came to your little pro-Drumpf rally, eh? I hope you lose, BTW. Bigly.

3. Rick Fucking Wiles. At this point, I have to conclude that this guy is just trolling us all, because how else to explain the idiotic conspiracy theories and grotesque language he uses?

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4. Ted Fucking Cruz. Whatsamatter, Teddy Boy…did the nice lady scare you and John Fucking Cornyn? So much for the macho-man right-winger. Hahahahaha.

5. Glenn Fucking Grothman. Women can get birth control at the grocery store? Well, now we know who DOESN’T do the shopping in HIS family. Yup…this fuckin’ idiot.

6. Tom Fucking Cotton. You’re blaming the Dems for the fact that the Russians hacked them? That’s cute, sonnyboy. How be we blame you for your mama dropping you on your head when you slid out of her birth canal?

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7. Conrad Fucking Hilton. Between the racism, the homophobia, and the “do you know who I am?”, this one’s hit the trifecta of turdiness. Sucks to be you, Con-boy.

8. Richard Fucking Henry Fucking Patterson. Why the double Fucking? Well, because when you’re a Florida Man, and you claim your huge-ass dick choked your ladyfriend to death during oral sex, and you then want to whip it out and show it to the murder jury, how the hell could you not earn that distinction?

9. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. And another double Fucking! And why not. When you’re Fuckabee’s brat, were hired for nepotistic reasons, and you make ridiculous statements about the Drumpf criminal investigation on FUX Snooze, you double-fucking have it coming. PS: Ha, ha.

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10. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. You can’t ask questions of Drumpf or the government? It’s “inappropriate”? Who the hell do you think you are, Mussolini Piccolomini?

11. Tom Fucking Price. And here’s another one who can’t stand the heat and shouldn’t be in the goddamn kitchen. And just think, he’s in charge of health and welfare. Hope everyone’s got their caskets and burial plots picked out, because that’s all you’re gonna get out of him. Answers to media questions? HELL NO! Arrest the impudent journalists instead!

12. Sean Fucking Spicer. And yet another wimp who can’t bear simple questions or the light of day. Hiding in the bushes like a good little White House Easter Bunny, of course! PS: Ha, ha!

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13. Roger Fucking Stone. Not that anyone particularly cares what a professional ratfucker and dirty trickster thinks, but in case you wanted to know his thoughts on the matter, now you do. Know what I think? Can’t wait to see him in handcuffs and leg irons with the rest of them!

14. Alex Fucking Jones. And in case you wanted to know HIS thoughts on the matter, they’re as messed-up and confused as ever. Considering how little he knows about how states work, his talk about the “Deep State” is especially unenlightening.

15. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. And of course, Bibi is now on the “fake news” bandwagon, too. Predictable and boooooring.

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16. Bryn Fucking Hendricks. Never mind that police have been harassing and arresting LGBT people in Toronto for decades, and have still been at it in recent years. No, he wants them in uniform at Pride, and if he doesn’t get his way, he’s just gonna show those Black Lives Matter meanies and have his OWN Pride! Whine! Stomp! Pout!

17. Orrin Fucking Hatch. Why is this horrid old coot not dead yet? Oh yeah…he’s milking the public dole — that’s his gold-plated government health insurance — for every dime he can get. Just like he accuses the public, who pay their taxes to get bupkus from the health system and him, of doing. Dude, get your Big Insurance lobbyists to pay for your healthcare, and give the public back value for its tax dollars by resigning!

18. Betsy De Fucking Vos. Ah yes, the victim of reverse discrimination yet again! Surely it has nothing to do with how she crapped all over the education system and students in general, and impoverished black students in particular? Nah…perish forbid!

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19. Stephen Fucking Harper. Whatever happened to him, you say? I’m glad you asked. Little Stevie Peevie is still alive, well, and I’m happy to report, petulant as ever. How petulant? So much so that an unnamed Conservative party spokesdroid had to cover his ass. He’s almost as thin-skinned as Big Bigot, but mercifully, a lot less orange.

20. Tom Fucking Cotton. Diaspora Jews are spies for Israel? That’s news to all my anti-Zionist Jewish friends. And proof positive that you don’t need intelligence to sit on an intelligence committee in the US of Amnesia. The glory of affirmative action for stupid people, folks!

21. Rick Fucking Brattin. Being gay makes you somehow not human? Being so religious that you can’t see the humanity in LGBT people is actually dehumanizing, dude.

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22. Alexander Fucking Downing. Surprise! Drunken masturbatory islamophobic ranting on a Texas beach will get you arrested! Yes, even Drumpf’s Amurrica isn’t so far down the tubes yet that they don’t still know a drunken wanker when they bust one.

23. Kevin Fucking McCarthy. The US congress serves at the pleasure of the president? That’s news to me. And news to anyone else who knows anything about the system of checks and balances in the US government. Or the simple fact that it’s voters who elect the congresscritters, and not the president.

24. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Longer prison sentences for minor drug offences are a must, says the most racist US AG in history…because after all, his private prison lobby buddies must get their pound of flesh!

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25. James Fucking Wiedmann. I’m now at the point where I just skim-read every inane thing the self-styled “Heartiste” scribbles. And while I skim, I hear the “whaa whaa whaa” of Charlie Brown’s teacher in my head. It can’t be helped. He’s equal parts illegible and insufferable.

26. Tucker Fucking Carlson. How’s it feel to learn that your “proof” of rapey undocumented immigrants just went poof? No, no, don’t tell me now. Wait till you’ve mopped all that egg off your face.

27. Mike Fucking Pence. Shorter: Blah blah blah Christians, blah blah blah persecution, blah blah blah martyrdom. And that about wraps it up. Fundie-Christian theocracy, anyone?

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28. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Pro tip, Judgy Moron: If you want to prove how totally not a Nazi you are, don’t go around wearing Nazi shirts in public. (The same also applies for not getting sucker-punched upside the head, BTW.)

29. Jenni Fucking Murray. Trans women are “vicious, vulgar and threatening” for daring to suggest that they too are women? Methinks someone doth project too much.

30. Richard Fucking Spencer. Look at that fuckin’ hipster! And also, WHAT A FUCKING WIMP. White supremacists so macho! On the plus side, though: No one will punch him in the gut, snap his spine, or kick his balls up into his throat…because he hasn’t got any.

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And finally, to Alex Fucking Jones and Gavin Fucking McInnes. You two shit-witted fuckleberries aren’t debating anything. You both think any woman who’s out after dark without male “protection” is “asking for it”, of course. Never mind that it’s most often the male “protector” who’s doing the abusing. So, in honor of your little “debate”, I’ve been debating with myself what to do about you two if ever it came down to it: sucker punch, or groin kick? Decisions, decisions…

Good night, and get fucked!

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