Wankers of the Week: The Curtsy, the Swat, and the Handshake from Hell

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to dear ol’ Donnie, whose impeachment inches ever closer, and who shuffles with Ridicule ever nipping at his heels. And this week, it got so many bites in, from the fact that he not only bowed, but curtsied to the Saudi royal family; that Melania swatted him not once, but twice, before the cameras; and best of all, that the newly-elected NON-FASCIST president of France pwned him with a very alpha-male handshake. And here’s who else beclowned themselves this week, in no particular order:

1. Bob Fucking Buckhorn. First crack out of the box, it’s Florida Man…or should I say Florida MAYOR? Anyhow, not only was his so-called joke utterly unfunny, it was also an insult to the journalists who had already faced down the business end of a gun for realz. Oopsies! Guess someone else is gonna be crying “like a little girl” (how charmingly sexist!), now.

2. Toby Fucking Keith. Congratulations on being the first (and worst) country singer to perform in Saudi Arabia. Truly an historic occasion! I’m guessing you didn’t sing that little ditty of yours about taking out the (Arab) trash, because “it’s the American way”, did you now? And little wonder. After all, that’s the country that supplied 15 of the 19 hijackers…and supported them all.

3. Theresa Fucking May. You thought Maggie Thatcher was a milk snatcher? Get a load of her ideological daughter, who’s a food snatcher. Yeah, starving schoolkids are gonna Make Britain Great Again — that is, if they live to adulthood.

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4. Zachary Fucking Ailes. Oh, so you’re coming for the people who dared to speak out about your dad’s abuse, you little shit? In other words, you’re going to go on harassing the women Dear Ol’ Dad harassed (and worse)? Hope it doesn’t cut into your after-school detention time, snookums.

5. Billy Fucking Bush. Lacked the strength of character on the bus, did you? Well, THAT’s obvious. What’s really sad is that your own teenage daughter has more of it already than you, a grown-ass MAN, did when Der Drumpf was talking about grabbing pussy. And all you did was giggle like a dumb-ass 12-year-old.

6. Mike Fucking Pence. Awwww, did the bad PC kids hurt your Freeze Peach by turning their backs and walking out — in other words, exercising some free speech of their own while you were monopolizing the mike? Snowflake diddums!

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7. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Oh look, the White Grievance Cheerleader is out of exile! Er, kinda sorta. And she haz a mad at the Notre Dame students who walked out on #6! Snowflake diddums, bawww.

8. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. She praised Saudi Arabia for WHAT? No, seriously: WHAT???

9. Karl Fucking Oliver. My oh my, what a novel idea he has for treating all those who (rightly) advocated that Confederate “hero” statues must come down. Yessirree, it just goes to show that NOTHING has changed in the South, and that’s precisely the fucking problem that the removal of those statues is aimed at changing! Also: Nice hayseed haircut, ya fuckin’ hick.

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10. Tommy Dean Fucking Gaa. And once more, with feeling: This is precisely the problem, etc.

11. Scott Fucking Adams. Doesn’t matter how hard you spin it, Dilbert Cartoonist: Drumpf is losing. And by staying on his train, you’re marking yourself out as a loser, too.

12. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. For fuck’s sake (and not FUX’s sake), Gerry…don’t fucking tweet when people are dying and you don’t know shit about who killed them. Nobody has the right to air an uninformed opinion!

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13. Theodore Fucking Beale. And speaking of uninformed opinions which no one is entitled to air, how about his? It’s virtually identical to those of Daesh (who are also not entitled), and the only difference is the name by which they call their respective sky-pixies. Their idolatry of ideologically-deranged terrorists IS identical, no doubt about it.

14. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Not one thoughtful word for all the dead and injured of Manchester out of Vilo. No, Yeah-Nope just HAD to unload on Ariana Grande instead. As though it were her duty to be as big a douchebaggy attention seeker as HE is.

15. Theodore Fucking Shoebat. And of course, no trifecta of awfulness would be complete without the sanctimonious maunderings of a man whose surname sounds remarkably like Batshit. And whose opinions definitely reek of it. Nobody’s going to miss this degenerate on the day HE dies, I can guarantee that much.

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16. Alex Fucking Jones. Well, well. Look who got caught fapping until his snake-oil bottle ran dry! May he get sued again, and again, and AGAIN until his imbecilic farce of a show finally goes off the air for good.

17. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Aaaaand this piece of shit. This goddamn piece of shit. Thank the Gods somebody reported her Nazified tweets to police. The real “final solution”, Katie, is to take away all public platforms from the likes of YOU.

18. Janice Fucking Atkinson. Uh, dudette…you DO realize that suicide bombers have already given themselves the death penalty, don’t you?

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19. Ken Fucking Langone. Uh, dude…they’re called FOOD stamps. Not DRUG stamps. Know why? Because people can only use them to buy FOOD. Have you ever tried buying anything else with them? Oh, clearly not. Typical 1%er…

20. Ben Fucking Carson. No, poverty is NOT a “state of mind”. But stupidity most certainly is.

21. Tim Fucking Gurner. No, denying oneself coffee and avocado toast WON’T enable one to buy a house. Could you kindly quit preaching to those who are already living on cereals and ramen, and just admit that you were fucking privileged?

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22. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. No, you fascist dope, Jews are NOT putting you into “financial” bondage. Your villain’s name is CAPITALISM.

23. Piers Fucking Morgan. Dude, if you’re so pissy about Ariana Grande not visiting her injured fans, maybe you’d like to do so on her behalf and lecture them on what a terrible person she is, and what terrible people they are for liking her? Oh wait…they’re mostly kids, and you’re mostly a walking enema nozzle. Also, she’s coming back to see them again. Never mind!

24. Abigail Fucking Whelan. Don’t have anything useful to say? Start talking about Jeebus and your “eternal perspectives”. Works great every time…at proving you to be an utterly useless idiot.

25. Marc Fucking Kasowitz. Why?

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That’s why. Mafia-style intimidation tactics on behalf of Der Drumpf, trying to suppress the free speech (and livelihood) of the man who gave us Bloom County? Not smart, fella.

26. James Fucking Wiedmann. It’s a day ending in “-day”, and the failed would-be ladies’ man otherwise known (increasingly laughably) as Heartiste has bloviated. And this time, what do I hear when I skim read his words? Why, his own words! Well, some of them, anyway: “…bla bla bla blabbity blab blab bloo bloo”.

27. Jared Fucking Kushner. He wanted what? From whom? Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. And grounds for stripping his security clearance, if not an outright prison sentence.

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28. Mick Fucking Mulvaney. Pro tip, not that he’s likely to take it, but what the hey: STOP TALKING, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE ON ABOUT!

29. Sean Fucking Hannity. And that goes double for you, Baby Jeebus. Don’t think that your extended vacation is gonna fool anyone, though…we all know you’re headed the same way as your ex-colleague, Billo!

30. Greg Fucking Gianforte. Congratulations on your so-called win in Montana. Unfortunately, you’re still going to face assault charges, and everyone’s gonna know you as “that thin-skinned asshole who beats up reporters for asking simple questions”. FOREVER.

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And finally, to the Fucking North Carolina Pastors’ Network. Yes, all of them. Why? Because they collectively support Dumb Donnie’s Seriously Stupid Muslim Ban, for one thing; for another, they completely overlook the fact that 15 of the 19 hijackers of 9-11 were Saudis, who are NOT under the Muslim Ban; and finally, for using that as an excuse to hate on immigrants and other religions, and then pretend that’s not what they’re doing when they’re called on it. What would Jesus do? Not what these whited sepulchres are doing, that’s for sure. Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan? They don’t.

Good night, and get fucked!

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