Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to all the Boy Scouts in Donnie’s paid-off cheering section at the jamboree. That’s going to come back to haunt you guys when you grow up. And here’s who else was worse than a bad ghost story this week, not around a campfire and in no particular order:
1. Sean Fucking Spicer. Yes, Spicey made the list this week again! Even though he’s gone from the White House, he’s not forgotten. And neither is the mini-fridge he stole from the premises.
2. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. She’s no Einstein. And that quote wasn’t Einstein, either.
3. Peter Fucking Davison. Boys will lose a role model just because Doctor Who is now a she? Oh please. They still have all those OTHER male role models in fiction…including the 12 previous Doctors, whom they can also watch in re-runs or on DVDs.
4. Liz Fucking Crokin. Who? Oh, just another of those right-wing conspiracy tinfoilers who think that a third (what an oddly specific percentage!) of the US government is comprised of vampiriacal satanic pedophiles. Unfortunately, she hasn’t fingered the most likely candidates…namely, Donnie & Co. in the White House.
5. Nathan Fucking Cooper. Who? Oh, just another of those right-wing whackjobs from out west who think that there’s such a thing as a “homosexual agenda”. Well, yes, I suppose there is. It’s called being accepted as full members of society, no closets, no subterfuges, no second-class citizenship. In other words: Just being regular folks, only gay. A thing one could only oppose if one is a closet case oneself, and if one really likes the smell of those old-fashioned naphthalene mothballs.
6. Blake Fucking Farenthold. Who? Oh, yet another of those right-wing whackjobs from out west, this time from Texas. And he thinks that every political question could be settled with a rootin’-tootin’ pistol duel. Yes, really. Which begs the question: Why did Texans bother with an election to put this rodeo clown in the House, anyway?
7. Kim Fucking Davis. She wouldn’t do her job…and Kentucky is almost a quarter-million in the hole because of that. Why does she even still HAVE a job? And why don’t they make her pay back what she cost them…when she gets a new job?
8. Brian Fucking Babin. What the hell are “wise decisions”, and why would they affect a person’s need for health-insurance coverage, much less “make it come down”? The most unwise decision one could make is to elect a nincompoop like this and then watch as he eviscerates what little public health system you have, no?
9. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Forgive Donnie Drumpf for lying, because “he doesn’t think he’s lying”? The man lies chronically and pathologically. If he told me it was sunny out, I’d have to hang my head out the window to see for myself. And if he pissed on my head, I wouldn’t believe it was raining, either. Who cares what he thinks? Or YOU, come to that?
10. Alex Fucking Jones. No, shithead, the parents of the Sandy Hook victims don’t need to “clarify” anything. You need to clarify…that you’ve been lying about this horrific gun crime for years now. And once you’ve done that, you need to stop talking about it. FOREVER.
11. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. Why is Congress questioning Jared Kusher…and not Chelsea Clinton? Oh, maybe because Chelsea has nothing to do with Benghazi, for one thing. And for another, because Preppie Jared is most definitely tied to all manner of Russian financial skulduggery. PS: Oh, UGH. Dude, the only person who should be ashamed of owning a smartphone is YOU, because you clearly don’t know how to use it properly.
12. Amy Fucking Coney Fucking Barrett. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how fundamentalistically dumb you need to be to believe that a self-contradicting set of religious scriptures must take precedence over the law of the land…and you are law professor, one who doesn’t even understand what she is teaching. Jesus facepalmed.
13. Keith Fucking Piper. Islam is a cancer? No. Ignorance is. And man, do you ever need chemo.
14. Nigel Fucking Farage. Here’s a pro tip for Nige, not that he’s going to take it: Never try to burnish your political credentials using someone else’s military service. The only thing that’s going to shine is the floor…after that person’s granddaddy mops it with your arse.
15. Rodrigo Fucking Franco. Here’s a pro tip for this would-be importer of exotic reptiles: Never pop them in a Pringles can. Or any other can, for that matter. Otherwise, you might end up with a real-life version of Snakes on a Plane.
16. Paul Fucking Joseph Fucking Watson. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how ignorant he is for assuming that the Roman Empire was all white. When the sobriquet “Africanus” was fairly commonplace, and even more so among Roman troops stationed in outposts like Britain. Hey, it really is true what they say about racists…they are all dumb as bricks.
17. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Every time his family’s crimes come up in the news, a Drumpf can be relied upon to rear his ugly head and yell “But her emails!” And whaddya know, Joe, here we go. Again.
18. Paul Fucking Elam. And speaking of “here we go again”, here’s Paulie, proving that there’s really not a dime’s worth of difference between a menzer and a fascist fucklehead.
19. Mike Fucking Pence. Losing healthcare coverage (i.e., SECURITY) is “freedom”? Well, then, FUCK freedom. Honestly: Can you imagine how appalling this utterance of his would sound if he were talking about, say, anti-crime or anti-terrorism efforts instead of health coverage?
20. Jim Fucking Bakker. And speaking of appalling, ol’ Jimmeh is still at it with the gross apocalypse food he’s peddling to his poor, gullible viewers. And now he’s doing it with bad Bee Gees covers! Will it never end?
21. Anthony Fucking Scaramucci. I see a little silhouetto of a man, and I don’t want to ask if he can do the fandango. He’s already doing the “I wanna grab your bazongas” dance too damn much as it is. PS: Dude, if you can’t stand the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen! PPS: Oh my. You ARE an idiot, aren’t you. Yup, Donnie, you picked a real pro there!
22. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Why?
Because she’s so dumb, she leaves herself wide open for the author of the Harry Potter books to pwn her. Hard.
23. Mitch Fucking McConnell. Oh Yertle the Turtle, give it the fuck UP, already. Nobody wants Obamacare repealed and replaced, unless it’s with full single-payer. Drumpfcare is dead in the water, and McConnellcare will be dead on arrival. Just sayin’.
24. Lauren Fucking Southern. Her Patreon got yoinked last week, but we’re still hearing her whining about it this week. Why? Because how else is a grifter gonna keep her name in the news, and her hair roots in peroxide, that’s why!
25. Tiffany Fucking Drumpf. Yes, she too wanked this week. How? By taking fancy vacations on the public dime. In other words, by making just like her old man. How else?
26. Lynn Fucking Aronberg. Drumpfite snowflake says what? You felt “isolated” in your marriage because your hubby was smarter than you in the voting booth? Oh, diddums. You knew what he was when you married him. And you knew what Donnie was when you voted for him, too! But I’m sure you’ll be heartbrokenly bawling all the way to the bank.
27. Breana Fucking Harmon. You lied about three black men kidnapping and raping you just so your mom wouldn’t ask why you cut yourself? Thanks a buttload, you little racist shit. Feckless idiots like you are the reason why the cops keep racially profiling innocent people, and why the ghost of Emmett Till is still walking today.
28. Michael Fucking Dourson. Sorry, but science and the bible do NOT match up. The bible has rabbits and hares down as cud-chewers, and anyone who’s ever owned a pet bunny [Your Humble Scribe raises her hand] can tell you that that’s not true. My humble advice to you is to pick one and trash the other. You cannot reconcile the two, no matter how hard you try!
29. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Teh Constitutional Stoopid, he haz it. Ditto a hate-on for popular democracy. Three words of advice for ya, Mikey: DELETE YOUR TWEETER.
30. Alexis Fucking Ruby. Why?
That’s why. Sucks to be you, Alexis. Especially since you got fired for posting that. Good luck making your ridiculous rent payments from now on. And may you finally acquire a bit of what you were missing all along…namely, EMPATHY. And should you fail to acquire that, well…here’s a gentle reminder that you, too, are subject to Anatole France’s famous dictum on equality, and must either work your own stupid ass off to make it, or starve. Good luck with all of that!
And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf. Yes, that’s right, he’s our dishonorable mention this week. And why not? From his awful speech to the scouts, to transgender-hating, to his advocacy for police brutality, all the way to the graceless way he rearranged the deck chairs on the Titanic this week, it’s obvious that Donnie is begging to be impeached. The question is, who will finally vote Aye? And WHEN, dammit, WHEN???
Good night, and get fucked!