Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one, as usual, to Donnie Drumpf, who retweeted a shitty meme and got its creator in some well-deserved hot water. Sic semper imbecilis, motherfucker. And here’s who else is in the soup this week, in no particular order:
1. Chris Fucking Christie. He declared all of Noo Joizey’s beaches off limits due to government shutdown…except, of course, the one he and his family hogged in the hopes that no one would photograph his near-naked ass on one. Sadly, it didn’t work…and now I’ve seen the photos, and I’m half blind. Thanks a lot, you fugly fuck. PS: Ha, ha!
2. Joe Fucking Ottomanelli. What kind of “joke” is it when you hand a black man a noose and tell him to lynch himself? Um…it’s not. Because to be a joke, it would have to be funny. This is cruel intimidation, nothing else. Special dishonorable mention to yer lawyer, Ron Fucking Kuby, who chose to engage in a little bit of victim-blaming there. Not smart.
3. Paul Fucking Ryan. Why?
That’s why. Too busy wanking on the tweeter about brown immigrants to do anything about all the violent home-grown white men and their death-toys. Truly shameless. PS: And oh yeah, he’s also kind of a perv, because sleeveless tops and open-toed shoes threaten his fragile masculinity!
4. Howard Fucking Caplan. Serves you right trying to troll Antifa, ha ha. Next time, why not just punch yourself in the nose and spare everyone else the trouble?
5. Rosemary Fucking Carroll. Racists may accuse everyone else of lacking a sense of humor, but their “jokes” just aren’t funny. And that’s all you need to know about THIS one.
6. Ken Fucking Ham. No, dude, I don’t think a lack of “tourist services” was the problem with your Noah’s Ark theme park. Have you tried NOT pushing fundamentalist snake oil, maybe?
7. Aaron Fucking Persky. Look, yeronner: NOBODY is faulting you for considering both sides of a case. That’s your fucking JOB. The problem is that you considered a rapist’s side to be far more important than that of the young woman he raped behind a dumpster, mmmmmmkay?
8. Assaf Fucking Voll. Ha ha, how cute, reducing three thousand years of Palestinian history to a book full of blank pages. So funny, the whole world forgot to laugh! And so original, too!
9. Clay Fucking Higgins. Babbling inside the Auschwitz gas chamber about how the US military “must be invincible”? Dude, that is so wrong, it’s not even wrong. It’s just proof of why your military needs not only to get the hell out of everywhere, but why you need to stop speaking on its behalf before you embarrass it further. (Also, it was the Russian military, not yours, that conquered the Nazis. Just sayin’.)
10. Grover Fucking Norquist. Oh lord, him again. And as much as it delights me to see Steve Fucking Bannon get spanked from his own side, this fucking hypocrite is a fine one to do it. Remember that the last time I listed him he was “teaching” his daughter a cheap, mean-spirited “lesson” about paying (sales) taxes. Once more, I have to repeat what I’ve been saying for years: Capitalism needs to be shrunk to the point where it fits in a toilet…so we can flush it when it starts to stink. Or, to put it another way: Grover, you’re stankin’. Siddown.
11. Terry Fucking Buchanan. Since when do sheriffs hold prayer meetings with fundie shitbags in their official capacity? And since when do they get to lecture others on ethics with such a blatant conflict of interest? Dude, go home and pray in your closet like Jesus says to do.
12. Nikki Fucking Haley. Oh gee, you had to work on the 4th. How terrible. Why are you a public servant, again?
13. Jack Fucking Posobiec. You “retaliate” for CNN publishing embarrassing facts on an overtly fascistic Reddit troll (whom they didn’t even call by his real name)…by invading the privacy of several of their reporters? You need locking up, sonnyboy. At best, you’re not playing with a full deck; at worst, you’re going to get somebody killed. And I’m sure you’re sociopathic enough to like that idea. Hence the need for locking up. You had just better pray that no public-spirited Anon ever doxxes YOU.
14. Ted Fucking Cruz. Meanwhile, ol’ Teddy Boy is trying desperately to stay relevant. And, seeing that the screaming shitbirds of the Internet have latched on to HanAssholeSolo (nice monicker, Redditroll) as their new hero, so has he. And now he’s trying to smear CNN as carrying out “theft by extortion”…for committing a semblance of journalism and publishing a story that doesn’t even mention the troll by his real name. What diploma mill gave you your law degree, Ted? You should give it back and demand a refund. You are clearly dumber than dogshit. PS: Ha, ha!
15. Derek Fucking Fildebrandt. Why?
That’s why. A harmless teleprompter-reading flub, and suddenly every cattleless cowpoke in Alberta thinks that the first PM Trudeau that they loved to hate is back again. And so is the chip on their collective shoulder. Get the fuck over yourselves, you big fuckin’ babies. You’re already a national joke. Do you want to be an international one, as well? Because that can be arranged…
16. Manfred Fucking Scheuer. Newsflash: Pro-Palestinian activism is not antisemitism. But then again, this is Austria, where they have a long history of the real thing, particularly in the Roman Catholic church. No wonder this bishop isn’t clear on the concept.
17. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Washed-up child star says WHAT? Oh girl, STOP. Go back to whatever you were doing before, even if it’s cocaine. Stay out of politics, because you know fuck-all about it. How can you urge trust in a man who overtly fantasized about fucking 18-year-old you?
18. Brad Fucking Wall. Biggest cowflop in Saskatchewan says WHAT? Oh dude, STOP. Omar Khadr is innocent, and Canada was dumb enough not to protest his torture and imprisonment in Gitmo. We OWE him, you fucking fool. Now. Don’t you have a province to look after, or anything?
19. Alex Fucking Jones. Oh lordy, some dumb pigoon has been reading Margaret Atwood…and mistaking Oryx and Crake for nonfiction. Also, how does one get a “humanoid” that’s not just a mathematically impossible “80% pig, 80% gorilla”…but apparently, 0% human?
20. Steven Fucking Marks. Dude. Isn’t 32 a bit old to be writing graffiti? And isn’t that kind of a dumb way to try to frame people who won’t be arrested anyway, because they’re not dumb enough to deface school playgrounds? You been eatin’ stupid sandwiches, son.
21. Brady Fucking Toensing. Oh surprise! His claim that Jane Sanders — Bernie’s spouse — committed fraud turns out to be false! And politically motivated. Given that he’s a Drumpfite, gee…what were the friggin’ odds?
22. Steve Fucking Green. Stolen Iraqi artifacts…how Christian! And this is the same Hobby Lobby that opposes women’s rights and gay rights. You can now also add the cultural patrimony of Iraqis to the rights they oppose. And this was not just one or two pieces, but over 5,000 of them. Shady as fuck? You’re goddamn right it is.
23. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Big boos to CBC for giving him the platform to let his racist flag fly. On the plus side, though, he made a complete ass of himself. And now people are going to be side-eyeing his fascist fraternity from coast to coast…to coast. Ha, ha.
24. John Fucking Sprovieri. And speaking of racist flags, how about this guy? He’s just a lowly Brampton city council member, but damned if he isn’t a white supremacist himself. Maybe he should start wearing hooded sheets in the council chamber, so everyone is constantly reminded of just what “values” he really represents, eh? PS: Looks like the mayor of Brampton has also spoken, and made a little recommendation. Ha, ha.
25. Eric Fucking Greitens. Oh, you thought St. Louis’s higher minimum wage was “killing jobs”? That’s cute, Gubnor. Just wait till you see how many jobs a boycott of your cheap-ass state is gonna kill, in addition to all these minimum-wage workers suddenly no longer having enough money to live on. It’s gonna make your cowardly wuss move the last thing you ever do in an offical capacity.
26. Rick Fucking Perry. And speaking of goober gubnors who know nothing about economics, how about ol’ Crotch Goodhair? He thinks that if you put a supply out there, “the demand will follow”. Which is literally the reverse of everything that happens in every economy EVER.
27. Andrew Fucking Auernheimer. Yo, Nazi-boy: You are NOT “the real media”. You are a convicted criminal and a fascist hothead who can’t even get the most basic facts right (because it would interfere with your victim narrative), but you’re out there threatening actual journalists doing their actual job. Newsflash: That’s stochastic terrorism. And if anyone gets hurt because of you, you can be held criminally responsible. Just sayin’.
28. Mike Fucking Pence. Everybody sing! Sign, sign, everywhere a sign, blocking out the scenery, breaking my mind. Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?
29. Sarah Fucking Palin. Congratulations, Quitbull, you and the Young Cons (aptly named!) figured out the secret Nazi code that Donnie was dog-whistling to all his idiot followers. Too bad you’re still not gonna get a job in one of his crap hotels, eh?
30. Mark Fucking Penn. Imperialist shitferbrains sez WHUT? Oh, that the world needs MOAR Hillary Clinton? Uh, no, the world has had quite enough of her. In case you forgot, she and her husband wrecked all the things the “left” (really, just the Democratic wing of the Democratic party) want back. A right-wing — oh sorry, “centrist” — image makeover is the last thing the party needs. What they need is to start being FOR something, again…even if it means reinstating all the things Hill and Bill were against.
And finally, to the entire fucking Kardashian-Jenner clan. This has been their week to flash ass, no doubt about it…from the bad makeup, to the tacky-ass t-shirts superimposing their totally-NOT-iconic faces onto people who ARE famous for a reason, to the grotesque (and quite illegal) baby-mama revenge porn drama, to the tweets, the tweets, oh the fucking tweets. Why are these garbage people and all their trashy adjacents famous, again? Hell if I know. I just can’t wait for the rest of the world to be as sick of their shit as I am.
Good night, and get fucked!