Wankers of the Week: The Friends of Jayden K. Smith

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a très crappy Bastille Day to all my French readers. Désolée que vous avez eu l’ennui de voir le Drumpf sur votre sol. It must have been even more annoying than the Facebook hoax that took this week by storm. But was it as annoying as any of THESE pieces of merde…whom I have listed in no particular order, comme d’habitude?

1. Harold Fucking Albrecht. Dipshit, nobody is “deeply concerned” about the flying of rainbow Pride flags for Canada Day. You’re talking about appeasing homophobic vandals who destroy school property to intimidate LGBT children. Fuck off with that! But look who I’m talking to…a guy who thought that “society will collapse” if same-sex marriage were ever legalized. Well, here it is, legal from coast to coast to coast for 12 years now, and why aren’t you dead yet? Why is the sky still up there? Why does literally no veteran even care? So many questions!

2. Michael Fucking Pearl. And while we’re on the subject of religious whackjobs: Dude, you’re the one who told people to beat their kids into submission with plastic piping. Why are you denying it now? And who the fuck are you calling sodomites? Do you even know what the sin of Sodom is?

3. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. So, I hear you’re suing Simon and Schuster for going back on a book deal you never should have had. Well, good luck with your unsold manuscript…and by “good luck”, I mean go fuck yourself. PS: Ha, ha! I sure hope the Mercers aren’t sorry they sank all that money into you, Fail-o.

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4. Steve Fucking Bannon. Or should I list Nigel Fucking Farage? Oh, whoever is responsible for this crap portrait of Ginblossoms as Napoleon, just stick your hand inside your coat already. Because frankly, you both deserve to be exiled on a dank and dismal island.

5. Thom Fucking Yorke. I have a shameful confession to make: I was never a Radiohead fan. I’ve barely heard anything of theirs…Oh wait, that’s not a shameful confession at all. It’s actually something to be proud of, considering what a tone-deaf dick their frontman turned out to be.

6. Paul LeFucking Page. Yes, folks, it’s the craptastic governor of Maine. AGAIN. And what is it with him this time, you ask? Oh, just that he thinks there should be no such thing as a free press. In fact, it sure as hell sounds like he wants there to be no press at all, mainly because they won’t stop reporting that he’s been wanking, every time he breaks out the Jergens lotion and a dirty old sweatsock.

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7. Mike Fucking Pence. Hey! Wanna know why he touched that thing at NASA with the DO NOT TOUCH sign clearly displayed on it? It was because Marco Fucking Rubio dared him to. And just think, folks, these are elected officials of the United States of Amnesia. With no more sense between them than a couple of kids who had to repeat kindergarten.

8. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Well, looky here. John Jacob Jingleheimer has piped up again! And it’s the same old medieval bullshit that nobody believes anymore. Why? Because back in medieval times, there was no Planned Parenthood, no birth control, no legal abortion…and people were dropping like flies from the plague. Because people who believed in God thought that cats were witches who should be killed for Christ, and rats were no big deal. Yes, let’s have a return to the “good” old days. Whatever could go wrong?

9. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. And speaking of medieval rats, look who reared his plaguey little head. Yes, it’s “Doctor” Goooooorkaaaaa, who couldn’t drawl his way out of a wet paper bag.

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10. Lance Fucking Wallnau. Good feckin’ lard…covering Donnie in the blood of Jesus? That sounds like the kind of rituals that Daesh engages in. Only they do it literally, while Donnie is out there trying to pussygrab the planet with useless god-talk.

11. John Fucking Rees Fucking Evans. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how inane you have to be to run for leader of UKIP and be yattering on endlessly about gay donkeys trying to rape your horse. (Yes, really.)

12. Luther Fucking Strange. Welp, the surname says it all. Who but a very strange person indeed could call a greedy, covetous, thoroughly corrupt adulterer like Donnie Drumpf a “biblical miracle”?

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13. Nadia Fucking Cenci. You “stopped listening” to the Grenfell Tower victims, and your “sympathy is diminishing”? No, that’s not it at all. You never listened in the first place, and you never had any sympathy. And when called on it, you deleted your tweeter account. You, madam, are an out-of-touch Tory snowflake. That’s what it is.

14. James Fucking Woods. Never mind that literally NO accepting parent of a transgender kid was EVER murdered OR stuffed into a freezer. Ol’ Jimbo’s got his grotty fantasies, and you’ll just have pry them out of his cold, dead, wanking hands!

15. Jayda Fucking Fransen. Never mind that your little circle-jerk is called Britain First. If you want to recruit Polish Nazis to your (lost and idiotic) cause, who am I to stop you? I’ll just be over here in Canada, pointing and laughing.

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16. Emmanuel Fucking Macron. Sacrébleu, quelle merde raciste! Well, bien sûr…he was never an actual leftist, so what do you expect? Anti-impérialisme? Mais non! Et zut, alors.

17. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Awwwww. Does Bowtie Boy haz a mad at being accurately labeled a Nazi sympathizer? Diddums! That wasn’t nice at all. Especially since widdle Tuckie Wuckie is actually a full-on Nazi, not a mere sympathizer.

18. Rachel Fucking Notley. Yes, much as it pains me to list her, the premier of Alberta made the cut this week. Blocking the Trans-Mountain Pipeline is bad for working people? No, because there are not ever going to be that many people working on it long-term. Renewable energy actually creates more jobs, and eco-socialism would protect them better. If she had said capitalists and pipeline owners were the ones hurting, it would have been accurate. But then again, those people don’t work…they sit on their asses and let somebody else turn their profits for them!

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19. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how badly the hypocrisy burns. Remember how she was sooooo upset to hear that her boss, Donnie Fucking Drumpf, was a pussy-grabber? And how revolting that language was to her delicate Christian sensibilities, and how it would disturb her young daughter to hear it talked about? Well. Here she is, Mrs. White America, revealed as having had an affair (with a married black man, of all people), and having written him raunchy e-mails. And he’s not even the only man she’s boinked extramaritally, either. And the most hilarious part? She did it to advance her career. One wonders if Ol’ Pussygrabbytinyhands was one of her paramours (blech!) too.

20. Alex Fucking Jones. Have I listed him yet? No? Well, all righty then. Here he is. Please have your barf bags ready. And if you take ulcer medication, you may want to pop a double dose.

21. Prue Fucking MacSween. Oh sure, Ms. MacSwine, you were just “joking” about running over a young Muslim activist who’s rather well known in Australia. Freeze Peach, Political Correctness, Why Can’t People Take a Joke? Nudge nudge wink wink say no more. No, really: SAY NO MORE. On any subject. EVER.

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22. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Look who’s got the Subterranean Homesick Blues! Yeah. HER. She’s no Bob Dylan. And the Internets let her have it for that, too. Because you don’t need a weatherman…or a scarecrow with flashcards.

23. Betsy Fucking DeVos. The dumbest woman in the US of Amnesia is in charge of education…and the dumbing-down has just hit warp speed, thanks to her consultation with rape denialists and professional misogynists. Her boss can’t get impeached soon enough…and she belongs in jail, too.

24. Marc Fucking Kasowitz. Insert old, tired joke about sharks not biting lawyers here. And then throw this one to the piranhas…please.

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25. Frederick Fucking Sorrell. Is he crying out of regret? Yes, but not because he regrets chasing a Muslim couple for 20 blocks in his car just to terrorize and taunt them. He’s crying because he regrets getting caught.

26. Stephen Fucking Harper. Can you believe the chutzpah? Ol’ ShitHead has finally reared his shitty head…and condemned the payout to Omar Khadr for his wrongful imprisonment and torture. To the people who are spearheading the perpetuation of the myth that Omar is guilty, even. You already know how I feel about this, but just in case you need reminding: ShitHead is the main reason the payout is as high as it is, because he helped keep an innocent guy in prison instead of moving heaven and earth to get him out and home where he belonged. And if I were Omar Khadr, I’d strongly consider suing HIM.

27. Lisa Fucking Kennedy Fucking Montgomery. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid you have to be to (a) work for Fux Snooze in the first place, and (b) call Seattle a “socialist hellhole” when, in fact, it’s one of the best-off cities in the US right now, thanks in no small part to the evil, wicked socialism of Kshama Sawant, among others, who campaigned for a minimum wage that’s actually enough to live on, for fucksakes.

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28. Malcolm Fucking Turnbull. Meanwhile, in Australia, the PM doesn’t just love bad math as much as #27…he thinks that the laws of Australia make it altogether irrelevant. Proving, once more, the old theorem: You can never be too stupid to be elected by conservatives.

29. Fernando Fucking Cabrera. And while we’re (still) on the subject of bad math and worse economics, and the downright shitty politics they engender when combined: how about him? No, dude, millionaires don’t get there by working harder and being better able to handle responsibility. If that were the case, Donnie Drumpf wouldn’t have a dime, much less the means to golf every fucking weekend at taxpayers’ expense!

30. Lou Fucking Dobbs. And just to round out the politico-economic tragicomic shitshow, we have THIS irrelevant mafia apologist…who thinks there’s a “coup against the rich” going on. Oh, if only there were! What an Augean stable would get mucked out…if only there were. And speaking of mucking out the stable: When’s he going to retire, anyway? He’s clearly not playing with a full deck anymore, not that he ever really was.

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And finally, to whoever the fuck got that whole “Jayden K. Smith” chain letter hoax going in the first place. If this was some kind of elaborate experiment to see just how far a stupid Facebook message could go, congratulations, fuckass. I got it twice, for the record, and did not forward it even once. You’re an annoying fucking twatwaffle. And you had better pray that nobody ever tracks your shit to its source.

Good night, and get fucked!

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