Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one, no doubt, for everyone in the path of Hurricane Irma. May you all find safe shelter quickly, and may you lose nothing of value…unless you are a grifter-turned-presidunce or a right-wing politician or pundit specializing in climate-change denial. In which case, you totally fucking deserve the shitstorm that’s coming your way, particularly the ridicule. And here’s who else is getting what’s coming to them this week, in no particular order:
1. Jeff Fucking Payne. Not content to overstep the limitations of his police badge by arresting a nurse who only did her job by the book, he decided to overstep the limitations of his paramedic badge, too. And made the mistake of announcing just how mean, vindictive and stupid he is on his own bodycam. At this rate, he’ll be lucky to get hired as a dogcatcher.
2. Danielle Fucking Bregoli. For the love of all that’s holy, I’m begging you…don’t call her “ratchet”. A ratchet is a rather useful device. This little shit isn’t good for a goddamn thing, and her 15 minutes are just about expired, thank Goddess. Back to school you go, girl.
3. John Fucking McNesby. So, Black Lives Matter bad, Nazi cops good? Yeah, that about sums HIM up. So much for the City of Brotherly Love…
4. Joel Fucking Osteen. Telling people who’ve lost everything not to have a “victim mentality”? Gee, that sounds just like something a professional scamster posing as a “prosperity gospel” preacher would do! Can you NOT?
5. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Who the fucking fuckity fuck gets giddy at the prospect of deporting people who’ve done nothing to deserve it? THIS GUY. Who deserves the infamous “imprecatory prayer” to be said for him, right along with his equally racist boss and veep.
7. Gareth Fucking Roberts. Well, well. Look who used to write for Doctor Who…and who just burned his last bridge to ever doing so again. Gonna go out on a limb here and say that he probably won’t have an awful lot of LGBT fans from now on, either.
8. Louise Fucking Richardson. If it’s not your job as vice-chancellor at Oxford to stop homophobia from poisoning the learning environment for students — then WHOSE IS IT??? And seriously — since when is it a student’s job to reform a fucked-up prof? Since NEVER. You have the power to fire the toxic ones, and you won’t. That’s fucking irresponsible. And the excuse that students shouldn’t be “sheltered” from bigotry is wearing awfully thin in a world where the bigots are the REAL sheltered ones…and they’re running out of cover, as they damn well should. So…why are you shielding them with institutional protection, again?
9. Paul Fucking Ryan. He was against the repeal of DACA before he was for it. If you ever wondered whether there are any consistent beliefs or principles in the far Repugnican right, you now have your answer, and it is a resounding NOOOOOOOO!
10. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Climate change, just a ginned-up media “panic” to sell shit? Tell that to all the people who are being ordered to pay rent on properties where they can’t live, Rusty. That is, if you can still talk when they pull their fists out of what’s left of your teeth. And if I had my druthers, you’d be arrested for spreading disinformation that’s getting people killed. As well as for selling completely unnecessary shit. PS: And look who’s biting his tongue now that the “hoax” is proving all too real. And local. Ha, ha!
11. Ronald Fucking Coyne. He burned money in front of a homeless man…and he’ll be allowed back to Cambridge this fall. Not only did he abuse his privileges, he hasn’t the fuckingest clue just how many damn privileges he’s had that he can get away with abusing, endlessly, until the day they nail his coffin shut. Now THAT’s privilege!
12. Morris Fucking White. Pepper-spraying a trans person? Why no, that won’t get you arrested at ALL, snowflake! Aaaaand there go your rights, just like that. Good job!
13. Louise Fucking Linton. Because nothing says “I’m sorry” like your publicist…or those ravishing ballgowns you posed in for your latest shoot. Which, I assume, is what you were angling for when you put all those designer hashtags on your last Instagram. Pity that all the designer raiment in the world won’t cover the hot, flyblown mess that is your soul.
14. Jim Fucking Bakker. Hurricane Irma is coming — quick, everyone, look busy! And whatever you do, don’t buy his buckets-o-crap!
15. Theresa Fucking May. Pack your bags and be quick about it. Don’t make the nice nurses do it for you!
16. Hillary Fucking Clinton. Blaming Bernie Sanders for her loss? What chutzpah, considering that she cheated HIM out of a primary AND a presidency. And it’s thanks to her that we have Donnie Fucking Drumpf. Even though Bernie, despite being cheated, helped her campaign. Yeah, I’m listing her for that, and I’m NOT with her. DEAL WITH IT.
17. Larry Fucking Bucshon. No, dude, you know what’s a disgusting attempt to devalue human life? You, as a doctor, trying to keep people from getting healthcare..and to forbid women from getting needed medical procedures just because they happen to terminate a pregnancy. Sending you Sour Patch Kids candy as a protest, though? That’s brilliant. And apropos. And SWEET.
18. Eleftherios Fucking Tatsis. Demanding that gay people and people voting in favor of same-sex marriage be shot? What the hell kind of Christianity is THAT? Oh, I see…YOU get to be “only human”, but LGBT+ people don’t. Very convenient!
19. Chris Fucking Sevier. Waaa, waaaa, nobody wants to recognize your “marriage” to your computer? Well, that’s because your computer is not another person. And since you only did it to underscore what you think is wrong with same-sex marriage, well…I guess what you’re saying is that gay people aren’t people? In which case…what is there to prevent me saying that your “marriage” is invalid because it’s between two non-people, too? I mean, you’re not acting exactly HUMAN, are you?
20. Grady Fucking Judd. Oh sure, sheriff, you’re only doing your job. And your job, it seems, is making sure that non-white people in trouble with the law go to jail…or die in a hurricane, is that it? And then whining that your words have been “misconstrued”? Diddums.
21. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Still trying to jail a CodePink woman just for laughing at your inane KKKeebler Elf bullshit? Somebody sure has a thin skin.
22. Owen Fucking Shroyer. That bright little girl whose smart mama taught her how to cuss? She’s right. You ARE a fucking idiot. You can’t even get her gender right! PS: Ha, ha. Surrrrre, Owen, we believe you! PPS: And a double ha-ha to yer dumbass boss, too.
23. Peggy Fucking Noonan. You want people to leave standing a bunch of janky participation trophies, erected by racists giving the stink-finger to human rights, in honor of other racist, slave-owning losers who fucking seceded over the right to own slaves, and who are too dead to appreciate them anyway? You, madam, are a fucking idiotess.
24. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Ooooooo! Guess whose great-great-grandpa was an illegal immigrant? Yup. HERS. And now, she’s a hypocrite. Ha, ha!
25. Nigel Fucking Farage. Guess who’s about to speechify to a bunch of neo-Nazis in Germany? Yup. THIS guy. And he’ll be doing it at Spandau, no less.
26. Dinesh D’Fucking Souza. His latest libelous tome might as well be titled “Blame George Soros: The Book”. Because basically, that’s what it is. (Well, all right, maybe that’s not ALL it is. It should also be subtitled “The New and Unimproved Protocols of the Elders of Zion”.)
27. Doug Fucking Schweitzer. A $15 minimum wage means “employers won’t hire”? Bull-fucking-SHIT. If they can’t afford workers, they can’t be in business; it’s as simple as that. They CAN afford them, however, and the only thing that will suffer as a result of fairer pay is their profit margin. Which was more than healthy before. (Remember, profit is nothing but unpaid wages, not given to those to whom they are owing.) And if you don’t believe me, just take a trip to Seattle sometime and see how they, with both a $15 minimum wage (in US dollars!) AND a socialist city council member, are making out. (Spoiler: They’re doing great.)
28. Aung San Fucking Suu Kyi. It pains me to list her, but list her I must. The Rohingya Muslims of Burma deserve better from her, whom they used to support when she was the persecuted one. And really, when even Desmond Tutu is calling you out, you HAVE to know just how badly you’ve fucked up. PS: If you haven’t already…sign, sign, SIGN. Don’t turn a blind eye to it like she did.
29. Ann Fucking Coulter. Last week’s wank is this week’s own-goal. Ha, ha!
30. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Hurricane Irma is just God flexing his muscles and being a fuckheaded egotistical brat trying to show us who’s boss? Sounds to me like somebody’s projecting his own cockamamie ideas onto nature, AGAIN.
And finally, to all the fucking evangelical preachers who think God “sends” hurricanes to punish gay people. Never mind that most of the people in the paths of hurricanes are NOT gay (something like 90% of them, in fact). Never mind, indeed, that a lot of them are just as devoutly and fundamentalistically Christian as yourselves (after all, we ARE talking about the US south here, and also all the fundies in the various Caribbean islands, with the notable exception of Cuba, where such bullshit doesn’t fly, thanks to excellent public education and that terrible, TERRIBLE Marxist Castro-communism we keep hearing so much about). Never mind that the supposedly too gay-friendly Houston is also the home of Joel Fucking Osteen and countless other homophobic preachers just like you. Never mind, indeed, that the places in the world where same-sex marriage is legal already tend to be well out of hurricane country and God isn’t punishing THEM. No, you all keep believing that bullshit you preach. Your audience is diminishing, as is your political influence, and I’m sure hurricanes will play their own part in the diminution of it. After all, you’re too superstitious to recognize that science has a better explanation for why ‘canes hit there, and why they’re getting worse. You quite deserve to lose all your tithe-paying believers. It’s just a pity you’re not losing them fast enough.
Good night, and get fucked!