Wankers of the Week: Donnie’s Big Red Button

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to everyone who’s being hit with rotten winter weather right now. Just remember, folks, Donnie the Cuck says global warming isn’t happening! Which goes to show you how much HE knows. And here are the rest of this week’s know-nothings, who deserve to be locked out in the cold…in no particular order:

1. Kellie Fucking Leitch. She’s still in denial over just how badly she lost her bid to lead the Conservative Party of Canada. Remind you of anyone?

2. Pamela Fucking Sharma. No, dear, you’re not a victim of racism. You’re a perpetrator. Because you’re the one who slung anti-black stereotypes at a black woman’s head. Remember that? And no, you are NOT “highly educated” if you don’t even have the basic smarts to recognize THAT.

3. Roseanne Fucking Barr. Hey, remember HER? Yeah. She’s gone ‘round the bend, and I mean ALL THE WAY. Because just how else would you describe someone who thinks that a man who perpetuates sex trafficking of children, and has even participated in it, would ever do anything to stop it?

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4. Assaf Fucking Wohl. What he knows about Palestine would fill a book…a blank book, which by coincidence contains just as much brains as does his head.

5. Liz Fucking Crokin. And speaking of heads without brains, how about her? She came for Chrissy Teigen for innocently dressing her daughter as Alice in Wonderland and a hotdog, and for using a pizza emoji? Lady, sometimes a pizza is just a pizza…and sometimes, an idiot is just an idiot. And as for you, you are a constant, unremitting idiot. Delete your Twitter account!

6. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine you have to be to get told off by someone from FUX Snooze, fer fucksakes.

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7. Michele Fucking Bachmann. She’s planning on running for office again…this time in Al Franken’s district? What, wasn’t her unpopularity in her own enough for her?

8. Anthony Fucking Scaramucci. And speaking of gluttons for punishment, look who else isn’t going away. Yup, it’s the Mooch. Still mooching. And not having learned a goddamn thing. Oh Mooch, go fellate yourself.

9. Nikki Fucking Haley. Fresh off her failure at the UN, after trying and failing to garner massive international support for Donnie’s unilateral recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Isn’t-real, she gets punked by two Russian comedians. I suggest exile…to the isle of Binomo. Which isn’t real either.

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10. Logan Fucking Paul. “Buckle the fuck up, because you’re never gonna see a video like this again”? Thanks for the warning, which really should be a promise. Delete your fucking account, you troll. A location which is rightly infamous for its associations with suicide is no place to clown around in with your greed and your silly hats.

11. Paul Fucking Nehlen. Anyone surprised that he’s in the Moron Lobby? And that he haz a mad since most of his supporters abandoned him when he went full fashy? NO? Very good, carry on then.

12. Christopher Fucking Cantwell. Suing Antifa for you being such a massive own-goaling fuckup of a neo-Nazi crybaby? Yeah, good luck with that, “man”.

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13. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Welp, looks like somebody’s secret is out. Yup, I’m convinced now that Gavvy is secretly gay, trapped in a closet, and utterly miserable about it. Why else would he go around projecting his melancholia on a journalist who exposed what really goes on inside Donnie’s fucked-up farce of a White House? Gavvy, do yourself a favor: Come out, come out, wherever you are. Otherwise, you might end up getting caught taking a wide stance in a public toilet, and we all know how embarrassing THAT can be!

14. Donnie Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Everybody sing! To the tune of “The Farmer in the Dell”: Someone’s going to jail, oh someone’s going to jail, hi-ho-the-derry-o, guess who’s going to jail!

15. Jared Fucking Kushner. Everybody sing! Same tune: Who’s in the cell next door, who’s in the cell next door, hi-ho-the-derry-o, who’s in the cell next door?

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16. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Is Bowtie Boy a racist? Yes. FUCK YES. Why else would he have such a racist idiot as Chadwick Fucking Moore on his show, spouting racist idiocies all over the fucking place? What the fucking hell do two fucking white dudes know about the misogynoir black women face every day, anyway? I walk in a fucking white woman’s shoes every day, and nobody ever calls me a racial slur. Does that answer your dumbass questions, boys? Next fucking question, PLEASE.

17. Candice Fucking Bergen. No, not the actress. This lesser Canadian Drumpf wannabe is retweeting and spreading fake news about carbon taxes. And of course, she’s a global-warming denialist, too.

18. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Look who’s a conspiracy theorist! Yup…THIS GUY. And his theory is pretty much the loopiest one ever.

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19. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. First female US president? Yeah, right. Gonna be kinda hard to do that when you’re convicted of treason and money laundering. Besides, who’d vote for you?

20. Kevin Fucking Battle. Uh, dude? If you’re going to talk about monuments to black Confederate soldiers, you should first find out if there even WERE any to commemorate. A bare minimum of journalistic integrity is required to fact-check, and you couldn’t even manage that? Forget “Fair and Balanced”, here’s a new motto for ya: FUX Snooze…racist and stupid.

21. John Fucking Ratcliff. Florida Man! How nice of you to put in your appearance so soon! We missed you! Where would this wankapedia be without you?

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22. Lynn Fucking Beyak. Yes, the Beyitch is be-yack. And still as racist as ever. Actually, she never left…and that’s the REAL scandal. What the hell is she still doing in the Senate, besides running her big, pig-ignorant mouth? Obviously nothing…or at least, nothing good. PS: Aaand now she’s out of the caucus. Still not the Senate, though. How much more of an uproar do we need to get some action on THAT front? Guess that means it’s okay to be a racist, as long as you don’t publish supportive letters from OTHER racists.

23. Jacqueline Fucking Kent Fucking Cooke. Who? And why the double Fucking? Because that’s how ignorant and asinine you have to be to spend hundreds of dollars on a glass designer handbag that you use to slug people with…after hurling antisemitism at them. Oh, and as to who she is: She’s a football-team heiress who obviously never did an honest day’s work in her life, but thinks the world owes her shit. And the team is one with an infamously racist name, too. Gee, what are the odds that the heiress to a racist-named football team is also an antisemite, and has a boyfriend who is one, too? It’s like like attracts like, or something like that!

24. Paul LeFucking Page. Maine, could you please do something about your horrid teabag governor? He’s been collecting flies for quite some time now.

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25. Alex Fucking Jones. Shhhh, nobody tell our perma-listee that demons are just a figment of his imagination…along with all the other wackdoodly things his lead-addled brain happens to spawn.

26. Tomi Fucking Lahren. If you are what you eat, then she’s pure junk food. At least, if the garbage that’s constantly falling out of her mouth is any indication.

27. Matt Fucking Lauer. I just feel honor-bound here, as a German, to point out that lauern is German for to lurk. And that this is precisely what Ratty Matty is doing right now. Lurking. Around NBC. In the hopes that he’ll get his old job (and his office with the automatically closing and locking door) back.

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28. Michael Fucking Grimm. Yeah, sure, you and Donnie are victims of a witch-hunt, all right. Only this time, the “witches” are hunting YOU, for a change. PS: Anyone who’s been endorsed by Steve Fucking Bannon, you might want to drop out now, while your dignity is still somewhat intact.

29. Petra Fucking Marquardt-Bigman. Where the hell did anyone in the Tamimi family spread the “blood libel”? NOWHERE. Except, of course, in the hasbaratic fever dreams of this ghoul, whom Ha’aretz should be ashamed to have published. But hey, nice “liberal” Zionist publishers, don’t let a blood libel of Palestinians pass you by. After all, you have to compete for eyeballs with the right-wing rags, who have no shame about publishing things every bit as toxic as this, right?

30. Jim Fucking Hanson. Tweeting bomb threats and pissing-contest provocations at North Korea counts as “negotiation” now? Whatever happened to sitting down at a table and just talking, like normal folks? Oh yeah, that’s right…Donnie Dollhands Drumpf isn’t normal folks.

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And finally, to all the parasitic big restaurant owners out there, stealing their servers’ wages, tips and benefits because they “can’t afford” to pay a living minimum wage, and “would go out of business” if they obeyed the law. Special dishonorable mention to the Fucking Horton-Joyce clan, who can bloody well afford to do so, and wouldn’t even have to give up their fancy dinghies in the process. But wait, if you think it’s bad that both Corporate HQ and Premier Wynne have to shame you, just look at this little restaurateur, who doesn’t own nearly as many joints, but is actually paying staff MORE than the minimum. Are you embarrassed yet? You SHOULD be. Because if the guillotines ever make a comeback for today’s aristocrats, guess who won’t be able to hold their heads up anymore?

Good night, and get fucked!

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