Wankers of the Week: Donnie’s Yugest-Ever Military Parade

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, I guess you all heard that Donnie wants a yuge, yuge, YUGE military parade in honor of his…what? His shrivelled cheese stick, maybe? Well, whatever. I’m happy to oblige him with a parade of sorts. And here come the marching morons, in no particular order…

1. Don Fucking Cherry. Newsflash: Cold weather today doesn’t mean global warming isn’t happening, just as the fact that you ate stale Timbits today doesn’t mean there are no famines anywhere in the world. In fact, our recent spate of super-cold weather is directly attributable to global warming, as any actual, trained climatologist will tell you. Also: WTF is a “cuckaloo”?

2. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Well, well. Looks like I might have to change her unaffectionate nickname from Hatey Katie to Ketamine Katie. Because good ol’ Hatey stumbled head over heels into a K-hole while documenting a case of reverse ethnic cleansing that isn’t actually happening.

3. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Going on TV is the same thing as being “under oath”? I guess that’s just another Alternative Fact, eh?

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4. Arthur Fucking Jones. Welp, looks like the Repugs couldn’t scare up a single non-fascist candidate to represent them in a certain district in Illinois. On the plus side, they’re gonna lose bigly, because he is BUGFUCK. Ha, ha.

5. Matt Fucking Whitman. Meanwhile, in Halifax, the village idiot retweeted a bunch of fascists. And lest anyone think it’s an isolated incident, it’s not. He’s got quite a track record for racism, bigotry, and generalized hardcore stoopid.

6. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Well, whaddya know: for once, she listened to God. And God said NO!

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7. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Whoa there, big fella. If you’re gonna be tossing around big-ass words like communism, shouldn’t you first learn what they actually mean? PS: And no, nobody wants to be YOUR valentine, either.

8. Tom Fucking Brewer. Windpower isn’t renewable? Uh, put on your dunce cap and join #1 in the corner there, bubba, because it is the very definition of.

9. Samuel Fucking Wurzelbacher. Will not-Joe the not-a-plumber kindly please leave the building at long last? Yer 15 minutes are up, bub. Kthxbai.

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10. Jack Fucking Posobiec. How many times, Jacky, does anyone have to tell you never to go up against Sarah Silverman? Because you can’t win with her. And on that note: How’s it feel to be a Nazi getting pwned by a Jew? Ha, ha.

11. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because it’s been a while since I listed the Coultergeist, how about this? Even God Herself doesn’t care what religion the winning quarterback of ANY football game is. But this pathetic perambulating string-mop does…or at least pretends to.

12. Quentin Fucking Tarantino. Yeah, this one’s a bit belated because it didn’t come out in the media until now, but…it’s a wank, all right. And he is now officially cancelled.

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13. Logan Fucking Paul. Dude, you really need to dream up new, positive ways to draw attention to yourself. I suggest going the fuck away, permanently. No, really — GO THE FUCK AWAY, NOW.

14. Christopher Fucking Raines. Welp, looks like the Libertarian Party of South Carolina is gonna have to find itself a new candidate. This one just went to jail for threatening teenagers on the internet.

15. Andy Fucking Biggs. Since when does anyone owe Donnie a round of applause? Uh, since fucking NEVER. And no, God doesn’t give a shit, either.

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16. Stephanie Fucking Hamill. No, of course it’s not unreasonable to want a parade…unless it’s just to glorify yourself. Which is EXACTLY why Donnie wants one. Oh, and also to make the French one for Bastille Day look small. Why no, that’s not megalomaniacal at ALL!

17. Lonnie Fucking Beatty. What’s that? There’s a naked man on acid, covered in cooking oil, yelling incoherently? Oh, pay him no mind. That’s just Pennsylvania Man, giving Florida Man a run for his money!

18. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi…you’re facing charges, charges, charges! Ha, ha.

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19. Paul Fucking Marciano. What the hell difference does it make if Kate Upton’s 17-year-old boobs were real or not? If they were good enough to be featured in your ads, based on her modelling portfolio, isn’t that real enough? Or was the casting just an excuse to grope her during the shoot, crudely proposition her as well, and then insult her when she said no?

20. John Fucking Moody. “Let’s focus on the winner of the race — not the race of the winner”? Great idea, pal. How about you start by not moaning so much about the fact that the US team is now “Darker, Gayer, Different”? Because the way you make it sound, it’s like it’s 1936 in Berlin all over again. Only this time, Jesse Owens is being pissed on by the Nazis among his own countrymen. PS: Ha, ha!

21. Piers Fucking Morgan. Justin Trudeau makes a joke (admittedly a floppy one), and guess who didn’t get it? Yup, this guy. And a whole bunch of other right-wing snowflakes. Whatsamatter, guys, you jealous or something? You sound awfully…triggered.

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22. Andrew Fucking Scheer. Isn’t it touching that somebody is still willing to sing the “old”, sexist lyrics of “O Canada”…which, as luck would have it, are actually not that old, and also a bastardization of the gender-neutral original? And isn’t it just so fitting that that somebody is HIM?

23. David Fucking Barton. No, dude, you weren’t declared an “enemy of the state” by Obama, or anyone else for that matter. Sadly, you’re neither intelligent nor important enough!

24. Alex Fucking Jones. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without him beating his meat over something he’s bound and determined never to understand, here he is, pulling his pud over trans people. You’re welcome!

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25. Anthony Fucking Mundine. He wants the death penalty for all queers because they’re “unnatural and confusing to society”? I wonder how long before he’s caught in a public toilet, taking a wide stance. Place your bets, ladies ’n’ gents…

26. John Fucking Stanard. Meanwhile, in Utah, people are waking up to find out that “traditional family values” really does mean “paying a woman with a fake name for oral sex on the side”. And worse: They voted for it.

27. Rob Fucking Porter. Beating the shit out of not one, but two terrorized former wives? Perfectly kosher in Donnie’s White House of Horrors. But talking about it? That’s a major no-no.

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28. Don Fucking McIntyre. Yet another gross, rapey Con is out, out, OUT. And this one did it to minors, too. So long, Poop Schlong.

29. Mike Fucking Pence. Wouldn’t stand for anyone in Pyeongchang but the US? Show some respect for countries other than your own, Mikey. Jeebus. And you wonder why the whole world says “Yankee Go Home”? You can stop wondering now.

30. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And because it’s been a hot minute since I last listed the Pigman, here you go. After decades of harping on debts and deficits, suddenly he thinks they’re not important anymore. Either he’s come down with dementia, or else it’s Donnie-mentia. You decide!

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And finally, in lieu of a dishonorable mention, an announcement: I’m taking a break from wanklisting for an indefinite while. Not for any shortage of wankers (hell no), but because I’m exhausted and need some time to recuperate. Don’t worry, this blog’s not going anywhere. Regular posting will continue as usual, but the weekly wankapedia will be on hiatus until I see fit to bring it back. And when I do…WATCH OUT, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Good night, and get fucked!

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