Stupid Sex Tricks: Fellatio, Catholic style

francisco-javier-martinez

Ladies! Have you ever wondered how to go down on your man without sinning? Never fear, there is a way! The Archbishop of Granada is your new sex guru:

Francisco Javier Martínez, the archbishop of Granada, Spain, gives advice to Catholic women on how to avoid sinning when performing oral sex on their partners.

“Women may perform fellatio on their husbands whenever they ask. But when they do so, they must think of Jesus in order not to turn perverted. Remember that you are not a pervert,” he says.

The prelate has already generated controversy with his book, “Marry and Submit”, published last December in Europe.

Ladies, don’t stop reading!

Translation mine.

“Close your eyes and think of Jesus”? Kinky! I wonder which hot Jesus from the movies I should think of. Oh, decisions, decisions…

I also wonder if the archbishop gives men similar advice regarding the Virgin Mary. Hey, it IS a natural form of birth control!

Stupid Sex Tricks: How NOT to spice up your relationship

anna-karenina-train

From Gawker, we have this little item:

Authorities in the Ukranian city of Zaporizhia say the 41-year-old man and his thirtysomething girlfriend “failed to overcome their natural passion…and wanted to experience an extreme sensation near the railroad tracks.”

While in the throes of ill-advised passion, the couple also failed to notice the switcher locomotive barreling down upon them.

Ukraine’s Interior Ministry said the woman was killed instantly, but the man survived. He did, however, lose both his legs, and remains hospitalized in critical condition.

And the kicker? Dude’s facing criminal charges for improper use of a railroad. Some kinds of sex are just SO not worth it.

Posted in Stupid Sex Tricks, Teh Russkies. Comments Off »

Stupid Sex Tricks: Where to wank in public

swedish-flag

Yay, Sweden.

A court in Sweden has ruled that it is acceptable to masturbate in public as long as it is not directed at anyone.

The ruling came in a landmark judgement following a case brought against a man seen touching himself on a beach.

The 65-year-old man, who dropped his shorts close to the water at Drevviken beach, Stockholm, and started to masturbate, was initially charged with sexual assault.

But in a surprise ruling, the Södertörn District Court acquitted the man. While the judgement stated it ‘may be proven that the man exposed himself and masturbated on this occasion’, it subsequently added that no offence had been committed.

No word on whether that also counts if you’re high on crack and near a middle school when you whip it out. Or if it’s also okay to eat a gyro while riding a vibrator on the New York subway.

(Not so) Stupid Sex Tricks: Take that, Robin Thicke!

Stupid Sex Tricks: Things NOT to try at home, or anywhere

dont-try-this

First up, the Chinese Window Drop:

According to The Sun, a Chinese couple recently fell out of their apartment window to their deaths while making love.

The unstable window they were having sex against allegedly broke, causing them to plummet to the ground in central China. Witnesses say that as they fell from their apartment, they held each other tight.

Sadly, that one’s good for an instant Darwin Award built for two.

Then, the Australian Dessert Fork Dumbasseroo:

In the latest issue of the International Journal of Surgery Case Reports, Doctors Krishanth Naidu, Amanda Chung and Maurice Mulcahy used the unfortunate experience of one Canberra man to illustrate the importance of training doctors to remove self-inserted foreign objects from people’s urinary tracts — and, in this case, they were asked to contend with a nearly 4-inch, 3-tined dessert fork.

The 70-year-old man arrived at the emergency room with visible blood in his urine, but no other apparent symptoms — that is, until he revealed to doctors that he’d fully inserted a 4-inch dessert fork in his urethra for “autoerotic stimulation.” The doctors wrote, “On examination, the fork was not visible, but palpable within the penile urethra.” The doctors were able to confirm the man’s story with an X-ray, and further examination confirmed that the man had inserted the fork without perforating his urethra.

Doctors used lidocaine gel and forceps to successfully remove the fork without cutting into the man’s penis while he was under general anaesthesia, and conducted a post-removal exam that identified only “mucosal abrasions” after it was removed. The patient was sent home after he woke up and urinated “well.”

Sometimes a fork is just a fork. And sometimes, you have to lock up your silverware.

Posted in Stupid Sex Tricks. Comments Off »

Stupid Sex Tricks: Colombian roulette

baby-roulette

Hey! Remember all the moral panic about jelly bracelets? Or “rainbow” parties? And remember how it was all kinda bogus? Well, looks like Colombia’s got a situation, and I’m sure hoping this one’s also bogus…because the outcome is no joke:

In Colombia there is a “game” that’s all the rage, which is also causing concern among adults, since the so-called “roulette” or “carrousel” is a “game” consisting of rounds in which the young men penetrate girls quickly, but whenever one of them ejaculates, he loses and drops out of the game.

The game is practically an orgy, and has parents and health authorities concerned, since pregnancies have begun to crop up among teenagers.

“It was a friend’s 15th birthday.* We were on a finca [large ranch estate] and we were drinking. When they put on music, we started dancing. We were about 10 people, and someone suggested we play “Carrousel” or “Roulette”, said one girl, 14 years old, who even at that young age is faced with the possibility of becoming a mother without knowing who is the father of her baby.

“The idea was to demonstrate who could hold out the longest, but I ever thought I could end up pregnant, because it didn’t take very long, it was just a game,” said the worried girl.

Luz Marina Peláez Vanegas, head of the Sexual Reproductive Health project of the Health Secretariat in Medellín, said that “we’ve been hearing of this kind of game for about a year, from pregnant girls. There are variations, but in essence these are group sexual relations, for the most part indiscriminate, and without the necessary protection. They happen principally at parties, fincas or places where there is no adult supervision.”

According to authorities in Medellín, 6,967 girls between the ages of 10 and 19 became pregnant last year; in 2011, it was 6,880 in the same age group.

The worrisome part is that 82.5% of these teenage pregnancies end in a clandestine abortion.

In Medellín, the percentage of pregnant girls with syphilis diagnosed and treated before the 17th week of pregnancy was 40.9 in 2012 and 42.3 in 2011. Also, during the past year, three cases of AIDS were diagnosed in pregnant girls.

Translation mine.

82.5% of these pregnancies will end in a clandestine (read: illegal and highly unsafe) abortion. And just a little under half of all girls who become pregnant also have an STD? Yikes. Definitely do NOT try this at home, kiddies.

Or anywhere else, for that matter.

*15th birthday parties, or quinceañeras, are the Latin American equivalent of the North American “Sweet Sixteen”, and are considered a “rite of passage” birthday. Those who can afford to celebrate in style, tend to go all out…or go nuts.

Stupid Sex Tricks: How NOT to advertise anything

Posted in Madvertising, Stupid Sex Tricks, Uppity Wimmin. Comments Off »

Stupid Sex Tricks: Oh no no!

Posted in Madvertising, Stupid Sex Tricks, Teh Heterostoopid. Comments Off »

Stupid Sex Tricks: Christian love advice from Patwa

How do TV-watching Christians revive a flagging romance? Listen to these pearls from the lips of Marion “Pat” Robertson:

Gee, I wonder how Patwa’s missus feels knowing that she is to blame for him being such a horrible, oppressive, putschist old bore.

Stupid Sex Tricks: The perfect gift for your lady

Posted in Morticia! You Spoke French!, Stupid Sex Tricks. Comments Off »