Wankers of the Week: Jim Flaherty Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, well…looks like Jimbo’s checked out. Very convenient for him; now he’ll never have to answer for all the shit (literal, in the case of Walkerton) he put this country through. The rest of us are still grieving for his legacy, and not in a good way. Personally, I won’t miss Harpo’s garden gnome (and Mike Fucking Harris’s hatchetman) one bit. And here are some more people I’d never shed a tear for if they died today:

1. Michael Fucking Hayden. If Dianne Feinstein were David, would Mikey say HE was “too emotional” in making public and denouncing the CIA’s detestable use of torture? I’m gonna go with “No, Because Men’s Emotions are A-Okay” for $1000, Alex.

2. Liz Fucking Cheney. Shorter: What fucking torture? And why are you picking on my old man? Benghazi, Benghazi, BENGHAZI!!!

3. Tag Fucking Greason. New GOP motto: When cornered by the people your policies hurt, project like mad and run away. Make THEM the problem so nobody notices the man behind the curtain.

4. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Riddle me this: If women who party and go on spring break are “human garbage whose parents don’t love them”, what are guys like him for having sex with those women? (And, for that matter…what are his sons?)

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5. Roger Fucking Beard. If you’re so worried that kids will ask questions of a transgender teacher, maybe you’re the one who needs an education. Preferably one that will ensure that you grow up as something other than a fucking bigot.

6. Chris Fucking McDaniel. So, you “ain’t paying taxes” because you don’t want descendants of slaves getting reparations? Well, I got news for you, bubba: You ain’t no Henry David Thoreau, either. Pay up and shut up, you racist turd. PS: You’re also a sexist turd. Gee, what a surprise!

7. Alvin Fucking Holmes. And speaking of racist turds: Surprise! White families in Alabama HAVE adopted black children. Your argument is hereby invalid. Ha, ha.

8. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. You can plead not guilty, but who’ll believe you? Dude, you’ve been on everything but the Titanic. Give it a rest, already!

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9. Vance Fucking McAllister. Where to start with this one? Oh, why not at the very beginning, where he’s caught snogging a woman who is definitely not his poor, long-suffering wife on a security video. Then on to the sanctimonious “apology”, the firing of the mistress, and now, the FBI investigation of Who Leaked That Incriminating Tape. Oh yeah, and there’s a Duck Dynasty dick in there someplace, too! This one’s just a barrel of wanks, folks.

10. David Fucking Cameron. Jesus did not invent society; it existed long before that particular fiction did. And no, you most certainly are NOT doing God’s work…unless it’s God who’s killing all those sick and disabled people by forcing them onto workfare with the help of a corporation getting paid by the head. And no, Christians are not being “persecuted”…unless, by “persecuted”, you mean being held to account for 20-odd centuries of sanctimonious jackassery.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. Fuck you, Robbo…streetcars are part of what makes Toronto unique and livable, and relatively gridlock-free. Don’t tell me you like choking on exhaust fumes or fighting over parking slots, you short-sighted moron. PS: Oh look, a clown show. As though Robbo wasn’t a one-man circus already.

12. Doug Fucking Ford. Tweedledum is tweedle-dumb, and Tweedledee is awfully thin of skin. And humorless when the joke’s on him.

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13. Mike Fucking Fair. No, one does not become lesbian by recruitment. It’s not exactly something someone can just decide to be. Unlike, say, being a dumbfuck like you, which IS a choice.

14. Robert H. Fucking Richards IV. Bad enough that he didn’t do jail time for raping his own very young daughter; it looks like he hasn’t even done the court-ordered sex-offender treatment he was supposed to, as a condition of not going to jail. What will he do? Educated guess is that he’ll go right on offending and never give a rat’s ass.

15. Carl Fucking Urquhart. Have more babies, teenage girls! Yes, he really did say that. Or something close enough. And he thinks it’s going to balance the New Brunswick provincial budget HOW? Oh yeah, and guess what: The local Morgentaler Clinic is closing, and as it is, you can’t get an abortion on the provincial health plan unless two doctors agree that it’s medically necessary. Otherwise, you have to fork out in the neighborhood of $800, depending on how far along you are. What fucking decade is this, again? PS: Sign, sign, SIGN!

16. James O’Fucking Keefe. Well, well. Looks like our pimply little propaganda pimp has been laughed out of court. Pity this joker has a lot of big money behind him, so he’ll only fall up. They all do…they all do.

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17. Bobby Fucking Jindal. And speaking of laughed out of court, looks like Piyush has also gotten some of that. Too bad…so sad. Ha, ha.

18. Peter LaFucking Barbera. Surprise! There are actual places in this world where anti-gay and anti-woman crapaganda gets no platform. Canada is one of them. And it’s not about to change any time soon.

19. Clint Fucking Carpentier. Or whatever this moron’s real name is. If you think giving birth is a “zero skill” thing, maybe you should try squeezing a watermelon out your dickhole. Can’t do that? Well, then, get down on your knees right now and abjectly beg forgiveness from the unskilled woman who gave birth to your sorry, idiotic ass. Because of her lack of skill, you’re here in the world today, spouting misogynous stupidities from the safety of your Internet connection with zero accountability. Thing is, though, I don’t blame your mother for that, Clint…I blame YOU. PS: Better beg forgiveness of your poor long-suffering wife, too. You called her a jizzum thief, you shameless wanker.

20. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Can somebody please kindly explain to me why this bag-o-dicks is still on the air anywhere? Because his noxious capitalism really stinks the joint up, y’know?

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And finally, to all the crapitalist CEOs out there panicking at the very mention of things like taxes, higher wages, etc. Yes, by all means, pee your pants. The economy as you’ve constructed it is unsustainable, and you know it. And one of these days, sooner rather than later, it’s gonna come crashing right down on your grizzly little heads. And you know what I’ll be doing then? Pouring a jerry can of gasoline over all that, and lighting it on fire. And expressly forbidding anyone to piss on you.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: The Winter That Will Not Die

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, you thought winter was over here in the Great (Still All Too White) North? Ha, ha — April Fool! Old Man Winter just called. Sez he ain’t dead yet, and has no intention of dying anytime soon. Yup, we’re officially screwed. But hey! It could be worse. We could be like these people:

1 and 2. Mike Fucking Fair and Kevin Fucking Bryant. So, making the Columbian Wooly Mammoth the state fossil of South Carolina would be un-Christian because it contradicts Genesis? Well, then, how about legislating based on other works of fiction, too…like, say, Mary Poppins?

3. Glenn Fucking Beck. So, Biff is finally being sued for defamation and slander? Well, good. The only surprising thing is that this didn’t happen sooner. And that it hasn’t happened more often.

4. Ginni Fucking Thomas. So, arch-theocrats like herself consider it “tyranny” when non-theocrats are elected to power? This is disturbing indeed, but the projection of their own tyrannical motives onto the democrats? Purest wankitude.

5. Bob Fucking Beauprez. Meanwhile, in Colorado, Wingnuttia rises again…with moar Birtherism! Doesn’t this shit ever get old for you guys?

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6. Marco Fucking Rubio. If you’re going to call for sanctions against Venezuela, shouldn’t you do it with, I dunno, REAL INFORMATION? This is fucking pathetic, even by the already rock-bottom standards of the Miami Mafia.

7. Jonathan Fucking Stock. If you’re an adult, it should go without saying that you should know better than to go jumping at ten-foot rocks in parks. Rocks are hard, and you can get hurt on them. Hell, even little kids are capable of absorbing that lesson.

8. Dimitri Fucking Soudas. So long, farewell, auf Wiederseh’n, adieu…and don’t let the door hit you where your mama done split you, you meddlesome punk.

9. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Never apologize, never explain, and above all, NEVER euphemize…especially not if you’ve just said Fuck. Didn’t your old man teach you anything after the “Fuddle Duddle” débâcle?

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10. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. So, finally Roosh V admits that he’s a clown, and nothing but a clown. If only it would lead to further epiphanies, preferably of the life-changing kind, there might be hope for him yet. As it is, he’s a seventh-rate circus act who scares little children. All that’s missing is the John Wayne Gacy paint.

11. Rob Fucking Ford. As sure as night follows day and week follows week, Robbo will show ass. And sure enough he does it…to Nelson Mandela’s dead body. You gotta admit it took talent for him to be the sole vote on Toronto city council against naming a street for the late anti-apartheid leader!

12. Scott Fucking Lively. So, he wants to jail all the gays who refuse to go “ex”? I have a better idea: How about jailing HIM for crimes against humanity? He’s definitely guilty, especially in Africa.

13. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Finally, at long last, the rats are leaving the Hipster Fundie Preacher’s ship. All megachurches deserve to go down like this…

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14. Jake Fucking Rush. Some would argue that his being a creepy, role-playing sex vampire is harmless. And I would agree, if that were in fact the role-playing. But it’s not. That’s who he really is. It’s the guy in the ordinary suit and tie who’s the fake persona. How do I know? That gross rape fantasy is a dead giveaway.

15. Glenn Fucking Spencer. Racism: Not just for fun anymore. Nope, now you too can be a hatemonger for profit! Fascism is big bidness, y’all!

16. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Finally, Rummy has been caught in a lie. Too bad this didn’t happen when he was in office, so it could have brought down a fraudulent so-called government…sigh.

17. Jan Fucking Jurden. The rich aren’t like the rest of us. After all, millionaire DuPont heirs who rape their own daughters are such delicate flowers that you can’t possibly send them to jail, even if they’re huge like Robert H. Fucking Richards IV. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

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18 and 19. Colin and Andrea Fucking Chisholm. Speaking of “not like the rest of us”, how about these two? If the Little People committed welfare fraud like they did, the jails would all be empty!

20. Rémi Fucking Gaillard. And here we all thought the French were so much more sophisticated than les maudits yankees. Mais non! They are just as lowbrow! Mon dieu, que c’est insupportable. Pro tip: Pretending to have sex in public with unsuspecting women is the tiredest schtick ever. And setting it to a raunchy country song about “the rebel within” is just pathetic. If you must make videos like that, use Yakety Sax. At least then, people will be laughing at SOMETHING.

21. Sarah Fucking Palin. Now that Pooty-Poot’s divorce is finally final, guess who’s playing the flute for him (wink, wink) in the hopes that he can hear it from his dacha.

22. James Fucking Franco. Honestly, I don’t understand why he’s even famous. And somehow, I’m not surprised that he’s a Creepy Older Man. What’s hilarious is that he blamed his own horndoggery on the girl’s parents, instead of facing up to his own responsibility…after all, her parents didn’t come on to him for her, nor did she do so herself. So…not only a fameball, but a slimeball as well.

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23. Richard Fucking Kopf. I wasn’t aware that part of a judge’s duties included judging women lawyers based on their appearances. Or that his inability to maintain control of his own penis makes the target of his attentions a “dumb slut”. Sign the petition if you haven’t already, folks.

24. Charles Fucking Koch. Awww, poor widdle rich boy. All that ill-gotten money can’t buy you love…or a thicker skin? Diddums!

25. Chad Fucking Curtis. The only thing worse than a grown man who sexually molests girls is one who self-righteously blames the victims. And who has the chutzpah to say they should feel guilty and ashamed — in fundamentalist religious terms, no less. If this guy were any more of a projector, you’d find him working at the Cineplex Odeon.

26. Braulio Fucking Valenzuela-Villanueva. A sex offender, so offended by two lesbians kissing, that he sets their trailer home on fire? I’m sorry, that irony just made me chuckle. The unfunny part is that he tried to kill them AND their eight children. If he really wanted to go back to jail, shouldn’t he just have knocked over a liquor store, or something?

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27. Glenn Fucking Grothman. How best to counter the well-founded evidence that there is a right-wing war against women? Simple: Allege that the left is doing the same to Teh Menz! Genius! But how will it play in Peoria?

28. George W. Fucking Bush. So, Dubya thinks he’s an artist just because he’s mastered the basics of fingerpainting? And that Pooty-Poot should be excited to see his likeness executed in what looks an awful lot like poo? Um, Dubya…you will never be as good as Hugo Chávez, no matter how hard you try. And no matter how fucking drunk you get.

29. Mark Fucking Manuel. Sovereign Shittizens unite! You have nothing to lose but your hard-earned cash…and who better to lose it to than this double- and triple-talking scamster?

30. Steve Fucking Paikin. If you ever wondered why sexism gets me so hoppy, just get a load of his. Women are supposed to have children and be their primary caregivers…and then he excludes them from his show if the kids get sick. Women are supposed to look good…but they can’t beg off if the maintenance of said looks cuts into his show’s schedule. Just who do we have to blow to get taken seriously by the fucking media? Forget it, I’m NOT interested. Fuck this noise, and fuck the noisemakers who make it.

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And finally, to the suits and shits of Washington, DC. You can stop sulking about Crimea, guys…it’s been Russian for centuries, it is an autonomous republic, and its people voted democratically to rejoin Russia. Are you just mad because you failed to “export democracy” there? That it somehow happened without you? Too fucking bad. And really, NASA? How the hell are you gonna get to the International Space Station if you refuse to put your astronauts on a Soyuz spacecraft? What are you going to accomplish by not working with the Russians? How ironic that the Space Race is being lost by the old Cold War mentality that started it all in the first place. But then again, the Russians always were ahead of you there, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Keep your Hobby out of my Lobby!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how about the great corporate overreach that is Hobby Lobby? They actually went to court for the right to control women’s vaginas lately. A spectacular laughing-out-of-court is bound to follow. And considering that they sell a lot of cheapo goods from China, that land of forced birth control, the hypocrisy is palpable; it reeks off them like the fumes from model-airplane glue. And here are others who reek of that and…well, so much more:

1. Paul Fucking Elam. Well, looks like someone got himself into a world of hurt…by standing behind a poster campaign in Halifax that mentions his website. Have fun answering to criminal charges and a civil suit, Paulie, because you are headed that way! PS: Oh myyyy. Creepy scary eyes are NOT a good look. But they ARE awfully revealing. As is the hideous stance Paulie has taken against a female victim of male violence at my old university. Yeah, that’ll really help put the Greatest Human Rights Movement In The History of Fucking EVAR on the map.

2. Jian Fucking Ghomeshi. Rape culture is not a “debate”, much less one that can be “won”. It’s a sad and ever-present fact of life for women…including those like your guest, Heather MacDonald, much as she may be at pains to deny it and even blame other women for what happens to them.

3. Yulia Fucking Tymoshenko. Kill all the Russkies! Nuke ‘em into radioactive glass! sez the queen of the Ukrainian oligarchy. She forgets which country still has the nukes, I see. PS: And she denies she said it, but not really. Also, she’s a natural blonde — she swears. Ha, ha.

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4. Peter Fucking MacKay. It’s not the justice system we Canadians lack faith in, Petey…it’s YOU. You’re in a hole, and you just won’t stop digging. How can we have faith in THAT?

5. John Fucking Koletas. What would Jesus do? Hand out guns in church. Murrika, fuck yeah!

6. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Why no, Rummy, you don’t sound a bit racist. Why do you ask? Also, your face is indistinguishable from a baboon’s ass. Same thing comes out of both, after all…

7. John Fucking Benefiel. Aaaand he wanks again this week…claiming that the Texas floods are his fault because he prayed too hard over Oklahoma. Unless that flood was accompanied by a heavy fall of bovine feces, I highly doubt it.

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8. Pat Fucking Robertson. Never mind that Patwa (and indeed, everybody on Earth) never lived in Biblical times. He swears he remembers the good ol’ days when gays got stoned to death! And he blames a nonexistent entity for gay rights, too. Yup, that cuckoo clock broke on thirteen, all right.

9. Steve Fucking Drain. Dagnabbit, I knew Fred Fucking Phelps’s death was too good to be true. Seems he just got reincarnated as — you guessed it — Florida Man. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck FUCK.

10. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. No, you know what’s unnatural? YOU, for living this long. Truth is, women have always done “men’s work”, we’ve just never been recognized or adequately paid for it because we don’t have a dongle between our legs. And anyway, why are you out there making money off stupid right-wing propaganda? Don’t you know that’s a man’s job? Ha, ha.

11. Franklin Fucking Graham. “Loving the sinner” is the worst euphemism ever. How about we just call it HATING OTHER PEOPLE FOR NO GOOD REASON, which is in fact what it is?

12. Laurie Fucking Hawn. Why?

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That’s why. As the old joke goes: How can you tell a SupposiTory is lying? His lips are moving. Button your lips, Laurie, and sit down. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

13. Louie Fucking Gohmert. I have no idea what he’s trying to say, but it sure smells like theocratic hog-shite to me. Louie, take a hard seat too. And quit flappin’ yer gums.

14. Al Fucking Melvin. I knew that Arizona was covered in bat guano, but I had no idea it ran so deep. Or that it was covered in actual swastikas, too!

15. Dan Fucking Snyder. Oh, quit assing around, and change the name of your fucking football team, already.

16. Jason Fucking Wisneski. And when did you stop torturing cats, Mr. W.? Honestly, referring to an accidental death as a murder just to deflect attention from your own psychopathy is lower than a snake’s ass in a pothole. PS: What have we here? He’s not a natural blond? And he’s a douchebag who didn’t realize that Zoolander was satire? Sure looks that way. Ha, ha.

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17. Willie Fucking Robertson. I don’t give a dead ratzilla’s ass what the Bible says about where gays are going. You’re washed up, and all the fake redneckery can’t save your show from the shit-can of obscurity anymore. Buh-bye!

18. Leopoldo Fucking López. What fucking idiot at the NYT okayed an op-ed from this fascist jailbird? I guess, since the paper has a long-standing reputation for giving a platform to all sorts of unsavory foreign so-called leaders as long as they toe Washington’s line, it’s hardly going to stop now, but couldn’t they at the very bare minimum FACT-CHECK those fuckers? Jesus. It’s an embarrassment for an entity that still, with zero sense of irony, refers to itself as a Paper of Record.

19. Simon Fucking Cox. Somebody here is certainly a “moody, disrespectful brat”, but it’s not the kid who killed himself. It’s YOU. PS: And learn to keep your homonyms apart. It’s disgraceful when a teacher, of all people, substitutes “your” for “you’re”.

20. Frank Fucking Turek. What does the Declaration of Independence have to do with Genesis? Absolutely nothing. And no, Thomas Jefferson wouldn’t come back from the dead to force theocracy down every schoolkid’s throat. In fact, he’s famous for purging the bullshit from his own Bible!

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21. Lou Ann Fucking Zelenik. No, you know who’s doing “inciting work”? YOU are…for opposing other people’s freedom of religion. Go home and pray to whatever sky-pixie you like, and leave the Muslims of Murfreesboro in peace, already! PS: So, you don’t want to be on al-Jazeera? Fine, now you get to be on al-Jazeera. Ha, ha.

22. Rick Fucking Snyder. So, when do gay people get to “suspend” straight folks’ marriages? Oh…they don’t? And granting them same-sex marriage rights doesn’t make that happen? Well, then…what the fuck is Michigan’s problem, anyway? Oh, I see…YOU ARE.

23. Ted Fucking Nugent. Well, you’re half right, Ted…racism is responsible for people hating your music. YOUR racism, that is. But Saul Alinsky? He was dead for three years before your first crappy record came out. And then there’s the salient fact that you just plain fucking suck, okay?

24. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. And speaking of racism, Gerry…who’s “ethnic” again? Oh right, YOU are. But I doubt very much that your right-wing politics make you a better person than the average “ethnic” American who votes for the Democrats. Or their “ethnic” representatives, whom you peg as “crooked”, apparently for no other reason than white-makes-right.

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25. Michael Gerard Fucking Stavris II. Usually, when a cop poses as an underage girl on line, it’s to CATCH perverts. This one, on the other hand, was BEING one…and trying to get naked pix of underage boys. File this under Shit You Just Couldn’t Make Up If You Tried.

26. Robert Fucking Harris. Funny how the devil never seems to take possession of the minds of total unbelievers…only those who believe in him, and try to align themselves in opposition. Has it never occurred to you people that whenever you meet the “devil”, it’s actually just YOU?

27. Kevin Fucking Williamson. When you try to debunk the debunkers, you shouldn’t be surprised when they turn right around and debunk YOU. Ha, ha.

28. Bill Fucking Cassidy. Some people are too “unsophisticated” for good health care, you say? I quite agree…and you, sir, are a prime case in point. Good thing for you that rampant stupidity isn’t a lethal disease. Ha, ha.

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29. Bryan Fucking Fischer. “God designed women to be secretaries”? That’s funny, because 6,000 years ago, there was no such thing as secretarial work. But hey! Don’t let a little thing like consistency stand in the way of your shitty argument…after all, you didn’t let facts get in the way, either!

30. María Corina Fucking Machado. How the hell does one get “accidentally” appointed as a foreign country’s ambassador to the OAS? Oh right…one doesn’t. But full marks for chutzpah in accusing Diosdado Cabello of violating the Venezuelan constitution, MariCori. As I recall, this isn’t your first time doing that very thing yourself. Always be deflecting, always be projecting, and when it comes to patriotism…always be DEFECTING, eh? PS: Oh, this is fucking pathetic. Just GO, already, you fucking vendepatria troll.

31. Bristol Fucking Palin. Oh, so “pro-life” people are so wonderful and righteous? Guess you’ve never heard the vile abuse they spew at women going in to terminate wanted-but-not-viable pregnancies. If you’re going to talk about violence, how about devoting a few words to THIS? Oh wait…it doesn’t fit your religiously simplistic and downright hypocritical worldview, does it?

32. Stan Fucking Syring. Yeah, $25 is kind of bargain-basementy for a boat trailer worth hundreds. So he threw in an offer of “oral or anal sex” in exchange to sweeten the deal. Too bad that it was all just a wee bit too rich for the police’s blood.

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33. Edward Fucking Farrell. Pro tip: The Onion is a satire site. But thanks for showing the whole world just what a dumb fucking homophobe you are, anyhow.

34. Robert James Fucking Talbot, Jr. Pro tip: Using social media to recruit a handful of hatemongers is always a bad idea. Especially if your plan is to “restore America Pre-Constitutionally” and do so by “bloodshed”.

35. Christopher Paul Fucking Neil. Would it surprise you terribly to learn that Swirlface the Pervert is a child sex abuser at home in BC, as well as in Thailand? No? Oh good. Because he is, yessirree…

36. Dottie Fucking Sandusky. Yup, she’s still banging that “it’s all the victims’ fault, and anyway, it didn’t happen” drum. Now with more “all these kids are obsessed with sex”, too!

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37. Hans Fucking Loudermilk. Does this creep not have grandchildren? Because groping and making lewd remarks to a 15-year-old and telling her that she could marry him in Utah is just plain…ick. PS to Utah: Please fix your child-marriage laws NOW.

38. Johnathan Fucking Davis. Once more, with feeling: Gay is not a disease. You can’t catch it. You can’t cure it. You shouldn’t even TRY! Also, what is up with all those gross metaphors? Ugh.

39. Joe Fucking Budden. No, anti-Sikh “jokes” are not more funny, or less offensive, if a black rapper makes them. As others have pointed out, confusing Sikhs with Muslims after 9-11 has gotten innocent people killed. BTW, anti-Muslim “jokes” aren’t funny, either.

40. Alison Fucking Redford. While the allegedly richest province sinks deeper and deeper into conservatism-created debt, guess who built herself a penthouse on the public purse? Yup, THIS gal…the suddenly ex-premier. And she did it on top of a government building, too. Full marks for chutzpah, but still…a real dipshit move.

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And finally, to all the Nice Guys™ who have been harassing this woman since one of their ass-barnacles beat her up in Kingston. Thanks for proving exactly why we need feminism, guys. It’s been nearly a quarter-century since I graduated from Queen’s, where I volunteered at the Women’s Centre, and I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit. And YOU shits.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: Fred Phelps Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Time for a final farewell salute to the late sack of shit, Fred Fucking Phelps, too…and by “salute”, I propose that we all stick our thumbs against our noses, waggle our fingers, and blow a big, loud razzberry as we send ol’ Fred off to the great eldritch horror that is the maw of Cthulhu. Right in time for the Spring Equinox…and doesn’t the world smell better already? Oh hellz yeah. So, since we don’t have Fred to kick around anymore (sob!), how about the following, instead?

1. Scarlett Fucking Johansson. Right in time for the anniversary of Rachel Corrie’s murder, Apartheid Israel’s #1 apologist in Hollywood decides to mouth off about how evil Oxfam is for supporting Palestinians, and how nasty the BDS movement is for daring to stand in the way of Soda Stream’s profits…and by extension, her own. Oh yeah, and about Woody Allen: apparently, it’s socially irresponsible for victims of child sexual abuse to come forward and impugn a “great” filmmaker who is famous for demeaning women and children. Nice to know that she’s so much more than just a pretty face, eh?

2. Troy Fucking Mader. And speaking of nice-to-know, isn’t it nice to know that HE is standing by all the filthy old lies he peddled in the mid-1980s, about gay people and AIDS? Never mind that so much information has since come out to prove him wrong. He stands by it a hundred and ten percent, and rah rah!

3 and 4. Louise Fucking Mailloux and Pauline Fucking Marois. Well, that didn’t take long. Turns out that the infamous Québec “charter of values” has all sorts of totally unforeseen prejudicial implications…and the prejudiced are taking full advantage, in a totally fucking unforeseen fashion. Harrumph.

5. Rob Fucking Ford. Because of course. And because by now, we expect nothing less.

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6. Doug Fucking Ford. Because whenever Robbo farts, he’s right behind him with the air freshener. Not that it does a lick of good, mind you!

7. Phil Fucking Jensen. And there you have it, folks…”freedom of religion” and “free enterprise” mean that business owners should be able to get away with whatever fucking prejudiced shit they like. Not, of course, that anyone patronizing a business should be treated equally, or anything like that. Thanks for clearing that up, Phil. Now fuck off.

8. Dianne Fucking Reidy. Denial…ain’t no river in Egypt, Cleo. And, sadly, sometimes extreme religiosity IS a sign of mental illness. Or temporal-lobe epilepsy. Having a psychotic break at work is unfortunate. Leaving it untreated out of a misguided belief in God’s will, however, is just a plain old wank.

9. Scott Fucking Beason. “McCarthy was right”? Funny, everyone else in the world remembers ol’ Tailgunner Joe as a rampaging, paranoid, fanatical drunken fascist asshat. If that’s “right”, I’ll cheerfully stay in the “wrong”.

10. Cari Fucking Christman. Women are “too busy” to need equal pay legislation? Damn straight…they’re working twice as many jobs to make half as much money. That sure as hell sounds too busy to me, yup!

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11. Rob Fucking Anders. Well, well. Looks like Sleepyhead has awoken from his Rip Van Winkle stupor to declare a new Cold War on Russia. Or is that a shootin’ war that no one in their right mind wants? I dunno. I don’t think His Somnolence has thought this one all the way through, do you?

12. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. I enjoy typing that name out in full, because every time I do, Roosh V’s odds of getting laid somewhere on this planet crash and burn just that little bit more. Women google; women get wise. Sort of the inverse of “every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings”.

13. Tony Fucking Perkins. I’m sure it will come as a terrible shock to him to know that Canada did not disappear off the map in 2003, when same-sex marriages first became a legal thing here. And that no one stopped trading with us, or valuing our dollars, because of it.

14. Pamela Fucking Geller. She wants Muslim pilots banned from the airways? I want her banned from the Internets. Because, newsflash: Muslims have been flying planes for a very long time…and, with very few exceptions, have done so quite uneventfully.

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15. Ralph Fucking Reed. Because women shouldn’t get divorces, or food stamps. Yeah, that’s right: He wants to see them suffer in miserable, abusive, loveless marriages (and being cheated blithely by their husbands) rather than happily alone and eating. Either that, or he’s really into abandonment…because that’s what men did to the “wives of their youth” all the time, back in the good ol’ days before no-fault divorce.

16. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Bring back imperialism! Oh wait, that came out wrong. Ha, ha. No, actually, that’s what his racist argument basically amounts to.

17. Bill Fucking Hemmer. Actually, Noah’s Ark has never been found…because it never fucking existed. Like so much else in the Old Testament, it’s just a badly made-up fiction.

18. Sandy Fucking Rios. Saying people should be shot is “using words of life”? Words of LIFE??? Words…what do they even mean?

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19. Jenny Fucking McCarthy. No, generating a lot of controversy does not make you authoritative. It makes you an imbecilic hack who is killing kids by telling their parents not to vaccinate them. Hope you’re enjoying the measles epidemics! PS: Ha, ha.

20. Ted Fucking Cruz. “School choice is the civil rights issue of the 21st century”? Funny, I thought that was gay rights. Oh wait…I forgot. This is Tailgunner Ted we’re talking about here. So of course, the issue is the “choice” to bring your kids up devout and stupid. Just look how well that worked out for him!

21. James Fucking Bull. Oh, Florida Man. You just can’t go a single week without literally screwing the pooch…can you?

22. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Guinness is a “bully” for supporting gay rights and pulling out of a St. Paddy’s parade run by bigots? Only in Rupee’s backward universe, folks. And on that note, let’s show ‘em some love and drink up!

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23. Beth Fucking Cubriel. Women are crappy negotiators? Yeah, I guess we must be. We haven’t been able to negotiate sexism out of existence yet, and we’re still just making 77 cents on a man’s dollar. Why the hell is THAT, I wonder?

24. Anne Fucking Graham Fucking Lotz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how loopy it is to think that the missing Malaysian jetliner had anything to do with the fucking Rapture. People…it’s a MYTH. It is never gonna happen. Whoever wrote Revelation was tripping on bad acid. Get a fucking grip!

25. Pavel Fucking Ushanov. Nothing says “entitlement run amok” quite like beating the shit out of your girlfriend for breaking up with you…and then running off before the cops can find you. Also, nothing says cowardice quite like that, either.

26. Mark Fucking Regnerus. How’s it feel to have a judge throw out your not-so-scientific “study” which is in fact just anti-LGBT propaganda? Ha, ha.

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27. Kathy Fucking Afzali. So, she’s worried about a “guy in a dress” using the ladies’ room? Honey, I don’t think Catholic priests swing that way, as a general rule. And if you’re worried about trans women, trust me…the only thing they’re in there for is what all the other women are in there for: to use a toilet, wash their hands, do a mirror check, and leave. That doesn’t sound like terribly “abnormal behavior”, does it now?

28. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. So, the living dinosaur says she’s vewwy, vewwy disappointed because “nobody” is saying anything against marriage equality? Well, it’s kind of refreshing to see her admit that she and her fellow wingnuts are all nobody.

29. Meir Fucking Kin. He won’t give his ex-wife the Orthodox Jewish divorce she demands (because then she could remarry, oh the horror!), but he will marry another woman while not properly divorced from her? Mazel tov, you fucking bigamist.

30. Richard Fucking Ross. Why?

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That’s why. As if anyone is gonna go to a judge for permission to act like a grown-ass fucking ADULT.

And finally, to the troll, “Caracas Canadian”, who pooped here. I don’t believe you’re actually from Caracas, because your IP number tells me you’re in Valencia, 150 km to the west of the Venezuelan capital. Valencia, to state the blinding obvious, is NOT Caracas. That’s further away from there than I am from Toronto, fer fucksakes. Do you hear me calling myself a Torontonian? No, you do not, because I am not one. And I don’t believe you’re a Canadian, because your English is so fucking crappy, it couldn’t possibly be a product of our decent public schools. And you claim to have lived in Venezuela for the last eight years, but then have the temerity to kvetch that the Bolivarian Revolution is a big robbery while you’re in there living high off its hog? If you’re an actual Canadian, why did you move there in the middle of a fifteen-year-old “robbery”-in-progress…eh? You could have stayed the fuck home and saved yourself an awful lot of stomach ulcers. If you WERE an actual Canadian, that is. Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: Beware the Ides!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Great Caesar’s ghost, we’re midway through March already. Can it be that Old Man Winter’s icy death grip is finally letting go? I dunno, it’s wheezing so loud out there, I think the old bastard still has a few gasps left. Give him another week and we’ll get him hollering Uncle. Meanwhile, no mercy for the following, in no particular order:

1. Justin Fucking Bieber. For all those who ever wondered if he really is that smarmy and horrid, here’s your answer. Yes, of COURSE he is. He’s also dumb as a box of hammers. But he is right about one thing: He sure as hell IS detrimental to his own career. Ha, ha.

2. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Bulk-buying your way onto the New York Times Bestseller List: Not just for Coultergeists and Palinesses anymore. Nope, now it’s also a Hipster Fundie Preacher Thing!

3. Sean Fucking Fieler. Who puts fake voices into fake fetuses’ mouths? THIS guy. Figures that he’s in hedge funds. Even by crapitalist standards, that’s as phony as it gets!

4. Kyle Fucking Tasker. Hey, maybe he and Robbo should get together. Both of them really seem to have a taste for domestic violence, hyuk hyuk hyuk.

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5. Ben Fucking Carson. Well. Finally a right-winger kinda-sorta admits that straight marriage is a special right. I guess that’s progress…for THEM. Too bad he goes on to undo that by invoking NAMBLA and bestiality. Isn’t that schtick getting old and tired yet?

6. David Fucking Barton. More Christians martyred last year than in all the time since Christianity began? Wow. Assfax is one helluva drug.

7. Lynn Fucking Good. First rule of Dirty Coal crapitalism: Always pass your cleanup costs on to the consumer. Profit, profit, über alles!

8. Terry Fucking Richardson. When the hell is this pervert going to jail? Because there’s hardly a model he hasn’t molested…and as a fashion photographer, he is not even interesting. Any idiot can do point-and-shoot porn, after all, so why should he be hired by Vogue? PS: No, you are NOT being witch-hunted. You are being held accountable, by someone, at last. How’s it feel when the shoe’s on the other foot?

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9. Rob Fucking Ford. Pay no attention to all that squeaking and splashing. And no, that ship is not hanging low in the water. Why do you ask?

10. Doug Fucking Ford. Whenever Tweedledum bumblefucks up, Tweedledee bumblemucks up. PS: I wasn’t a fan of Kevin Spacey before, but since Dougie apparently hates him, I am now! Ha, ha.

11. Susan Fucking Patton. No, you’re not “just being honest”. Nobody who is genuinely honest peddles a book that reads like a canned list of right-wing bullshit squawking points. PS: You’re also dead wrong, according to actual science. Might want to revise your “common sense” there, lady. PPS: OFFS. STFU!

12. John Fucking Benefiel. There is no way ancient Egyptians could have dedicated the Americas to Baal. For one thing, he’s not an Egyptian god. For another, he’s not a son of Satan. Oops! There goes your tidy little “curse” theory. Honestly, a bag of rocks is smarter anyway.

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13. Pat Fucking Robertson. Meanwhile, in other superstitious nonsense, Patwa believes that X-rated movies invite demons into your car to wreck it. Uh, Patwa? I think you may have seen Christine one too many times. PS: No, seriously, Patwa, you need to turn off your TV now. Before God does it for you.

14. Stuart Fucking Varney. Oh noes, hungry poor kids are still being fed! The unmitigated HORROR! They’re supposed to die in Dickensian workhouses, dammit! PS: Excuse me…did you say that overtime pay makes EMPLOYEES greedy? Hahahahaha, so you did! Well, then, by that token, I think all corporate profit should be abolished, because guess who gets greedy when you allow THAT?

15. Joseph Fucking Pickens. Oh noes, someone is butthurt because others pointed out that wearing blackface is racist! I pity the fool…which is what the real Mr. T would do, too.

16. Scott Fucking Lively. Not content to bask in the dubious glory of having promoted anti-gay laws in Uganda and Russia, he’s now setting his sights on Ukraine…and blaming LGBTs for its current (and largely fascist-created) crisis. The irony is thunderous, and he is utterly deaf to it.

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17. Christina Fucking Hoff Fucking Sommers. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid she is for defending sexism, while chiding those who criticize it. What kind of feminist does that? None. She’s a fauxminist. She fakes left and throws right. She is nothing more than a misogynist in skirts.

18. Mike Fucking Maggio, AGAIN. Yup, “geauxjudge” is still a neaux-brains. And his neaux-pology leaves a lot to be desired. What fucking diploma mill was this fratboy in robes graduated from, anyway? Why is he not yet off the bench? And why in fucknation has his law licence not been revoked yet?

19 and 20. The Fucking Zimmermans. Yup, that’s right, Little Georgie Porgie’s parents are wankers this week. For suing Roseanne Barr, who isn’t actually about to “lynch” anyone. Interesting choice of words there, innit? And now we know where Georgie-Porgie got it from, too.

21. George Fucking Zimmerman. Because of course.

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22. Alex Fucking Da Costa. Um, believing that being gay is wrong IS anti-gay. By definition. Fucking DUH.

23. Greg Fucking Brannon. Um, Planned Parenthood isn’t in the business of “killing babies”, it’s in the business of preventing conception for the most part (and sometimes, unwanted births as well). Birth control and abortion are legal in all fifty US states, last time I looked. And just think, people, this plagiarizer of Rand Fucking Paul — RAND FUCKING PAUL — is an obstetrician! What fucking diploma mill graduated HIM?

24. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Help, help, she’s being oppressed…by meanies telling her she can’t bully queer folks any longer! Oh, the humanity!

25. Randall Fucking Scott. For someone who hates Obama so much that you would sooner “dine with Satan in hell than shake his hand”, you sure are pissy about being excluded from his event. Poor baby!

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26. Rafael Fucking Cruz. The only thing that surprises me about his tinfoil-clad rantings is that he hasn’t yet blamed the Illuminati for chemtrails or fluoride for Communism (precious bodily fluids!). Oh wait, is he getting to that? All righty then…

27. Frank Fucking Ancona. Anyone who refers to non-whites as “the colored and mongrel races” is, in fact, their enemy by definition. And the KKK was conceived as nothing else, too, as I recall. Epic PR fail!

28. Jeff Fucking Vinall. A bigot should always have the courage of his convictions, such as they are. But this Young Oxford Conservatives leader is mighty tetchy about having it known that he rejoiced in the death of the “terrorist” Nelson Mandela. So much so that he abused the DMCA to try to censor his critics. And now that the toothpaste is out of THAT tube, good luck trying to shove it back in. Ha, ha.

29. Curtis Fucking Reeves, Jr. So, it turns out that texting in a movie theatre is so rude that it should cost you your life…at the hands of a trigger-happy ex-cop who is doing the exact same thing himself. Stand your ground, groundstanders!

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30. Austin Fucking Ruse. No, Women’s Studies did NOT create the Duke University freshman porn star. The porn industry (owned, operated and patronized overwhelmingly by MEN) did. And the high cost of tuition nowadays isn’t helping either, since it has obliged more than a few young women to essentially prostitute themselves so they won’t starve to death before they get a shot at their dream jobs. You’re “paying an arm and a leg” to keep your daughters out of regular schools? The more fool you…and boy, do I feel sorry for your girls. They have a real fascist for a father. Who else would advocate “take out and shoot” as a “solution” to the “problem” of people who just don’t agree with you or jibe with your sad, narrow world-view? PS: Oh wow. You really ARE having a bad week, aren’t you? Hahahahahaha.

31. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, we feminists don’t have a “fundamental insecurity” about our “femininity”, whatever the hell that is supposed to be. You, on the other hand, seem to have a real issue with your manhood, given the amount of time you devote to bashing women and queers. PS: And no, people don’t just tell pollsters what they think pollsters want to hear. Your views are out of step with society. Welcome to the wrong side of history, asswipe.

32. Franklin Fucking Graham. Hey, Pooty-Poot: You know you’re on the wrong side of history when Yankee televangelists endorse your homophobia. Take a hint, already!

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33. Richard Fucking Burr. How’s it feel to get your capitalist crapaganda sliced, diced and tossed back in your face by a Canadian doctor, eh? Hahahahaha.

34. Kristin Fucking Cavallari. Yet another famous-for-nothing idiot refuses to vaccinate her kids. Because she’s “read some books”, no doubt by other famous-for-nothing idiots, about the long-since-disproven “link” between vaccines and autism. Meanwhile, measles outbreaks are happening all over the place because other idiots, less famous, have also read those books and are refusing to vaccinate their kids, who will be lucky to reach college age at this rate. Moral of story: STOP MAKING STUPID PEOPLE FAMOUS.

35. Michael Fucking Gove. And speaking of stupid people, how about this one from the other side of the pond? He still believes that 37 million war deaths can’t possibly be unjust. Britain, stop making wankers into politicians!

36. Dakkari Fucking McAnuff. Congratulations, you’re now Twitter-famous. You’re also a fucking idiot. And you’re Twitter-famous for being a fucking idiot.

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37. Angela Fucking Merkel. Ach, du lieber Himmel. Looks like her predecessor, Gerhard Schröder, is no help when it comes to rattling the ol’ sabre against Pooty-Poot. On the contrary, he thinks Pooty has a good point, sending the Russian army into Crimea to defend the locals against the fascist incursion from the Maidan. Pech gehabt…und Scheiße.

38. Maria Fucking Kang. Oh look, it’s the world’s most annoying self-righteous person. Lady, you are not a movement…unless it’s the laxative-induced bowel kind. STFU and go the hell away, already.

39. Paul Fucking Ryan. And speaking of annoying self-righteous people, meet the new Paul Ryan…same as the old. Only this time, with even more “social Darwinist” racism. This one, too, can take a fucking hike. A long one, preferably off a short pier.

40. Chris Fucking Brown. Hi ho, hi ho…it’s back to jail you go! The wonder is that you didn’t stay longer the first time. Maybe this time you’ll finally DO the time, eh?

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And finally, to all the white, white wankers who “marched” today in this little shindig. Those sheets would be more useful on your beds, fellas. You’re actually the least oppressed people in the world, so stop your fuckin’ whining. If you’re gonna hold anyone else to blame for your problems, then for once, do it to those who deserve it — namely, the capitalists. You know, those white guys up above you, the ones in the overpriced suits? Yeah, them. They look just like you, only with better manicures. And while you’re out there making asses of yourselves in the streets blaming those who are actually worse off than you, they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Which, of course, they own.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: Crappy Women’s Day!

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Crappy weekend, everyone…and crappy International Women’s Day, too. Which I don’t feel very much like celebrating today, because what’s to celebrate but reversals and bass-ackwardness all around? And with that said, here are this week’s backward asses, in no particular order:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. He went to Hollywood, thinking some of that tinsel dust would rub off on him. Or maybe he was hoping to peddle (or buy?) some high-grade cocaine there? Either way, all he ended up doing was making an even bigger ass of himself, on TV…and while dressed like a mafia pimp. PS: Aw, duzzums haz a mad? Too bad, so sad. You went to Hollywood. Didn’t you know you’d be appearing on a comedy show? Pull yourself together, Tweedledum.

2. Doug Fucking Ford. After Tweedledum got done making an ass of himself, Tweedledee was out running interference for him. As usual. When do you suppose he’ll finally get tired of all the lying, ass-covering and excuse-making?

3. Joe Fucking Warmington. Meanwhile, back in TO, Robbo’s ass-kisser in chief was busy holding down the fort, and writing rave reviews all sight unseen. When he actually saw it, his crapaganda had to be pulled…but not before the city got yet another reminder of why the SunMedia chain is a dumb redneck operation when all’s said.

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4. Christopher Fucking Pagano, AGAIN. Because it wouldn’t be a wanklist without an actual wanker, and what better to wank with than a piece of Swiss cheese?

5 and 6. Charlene Fucking Ellet and Cameron Fucking Beck. This crime story has it all: Wal-Mart, shoplifting, infidelity, brother-sister incest, crystal meth, Texas. The only thing needed to truly take this one over the top is Jerry Springer.

7. Pat Fucking Robertson. If #5 and #6 are feeling at all lonely and beleaguered in their shitty existence, they should at least take some comfort knowing they have a friend in Jeebus…or at least Patwa, who is cool with incest as long as it’s not gay, and doesn’t make any “Mongoloid” kidlets.

8. Dana Fucking Snay. Stupid Facebook brags are stupid. But not as stupid as the stupidheads that make them.

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9. George Fucking Will. Fighting for equal rights may not be neighborly. But then again, what exactly is the long-standing conservative animus against equal rights? Chopped liver?

10. Joe Fucking Scarborough. And how much are the Koch Bros paying you to put in a good word for them, Joe? I always did find it funny that someone like you, with such a massive skeleton in his closet, could still manage to evade a life sentence in the Florida state pen.

11. Steve Fucking Stockman. Meanwhile, in other news of highly questionable wingnuts, there’s him. Uh, Steve? Police mugshots are a matter of public records. You can’t order the arrest of anyone publishing them. Police don’t bust themselves, dumbass!

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. A cop? Really? Funny, I didn’t know they took pants-shitting draft dodgers who have committed statutory rape.

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13. Bill Fucking Gothard. And speaking of statutory rape, would it greatly surprise you to know that a far-right Christian with ties to the Quiverfulls and Sarah Palin…is really not all that different from Warren Fucking Jeffs when you get right down to it? Thought not.

14. Mike Fucking Maggio. So, if “sluts are just whores in training”, as “geauxjudge” avers, what are overly judgy judges who like to talk stupid shit about “golden vajay jays” and “rodeo sex”, and insist that women should just put up with shitty husbands, because bitches be crazy? Probably the larval form of right-wing politicians. And garden-variety assholes? Why, they’re just geauxjudges in training!

15. Sam Fucking Sotiropoulos. What the fuck is “homosexism”? I don’t know, and I don’t think he does, either. But for some strange reason, he’s awfully frightened about naked gay guys at the Pride Parade. Well, Sam, there’s a very simple solution to your problem: Either come out of mothballs yourself, as I suspect you’re dying to do, or else just stay away and don’t look! PS: And stay off Twitter, too, if your skin’s so thin.

16. Peter Fucking MacKay. Why?

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That’s why. Happy Women’s Day! PS: Sign, sign, SIGN.

17. Keenan Fucking Finkelstein. Another Florida ground-stander stands his ground…and shoots a sheriff’s deputy. Pull up a chair and make lots of popcorn, folks…this is gonna get mighty interesting.

18. Michael Fucking Medved. So, isn’t it nice to know that all those states that have tried to write same-sex marriage rights out of their constitutions…are just a “liberal lie”? I’m sure that would come as quite some surprise to the right-wing lawmakers who’ve been pushing for discriminatory amendments for the last few years!

19. Steven Fucking Jones. Preacher, con man, douchebag, one-man freak scene…yup, he’s a veritable Renaissance Man of dumbth.

20. Steve Fucking Santagati. Who the hell is this nobody, and why should any woman want his utterly uninformed opinion on anything? And more to the point, what is with all those ooky come-ons to Susan Sarandon?

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21. Thurston Fucking Moore. So, calling a self-confessed serial cheater by his right name…is “gender fascism”? Suddenly, I’m not sorry I was never a fan of Sonic Youth. Of Kim Gordon, yes, she’s a classy lady — but not him. NEVER him. Because, “gender fascist” that I am, I’ve always had kind of a nose for douchebags…and yup, that right there’s the smell of rotting rubber, all right.

22. Jay Fucking Morse. Who polices the police? When a sex-crimes prosecutor is himself guilty as charged, is there any fucking hope left that military women will ever get justice?

23. David Fucking Cameron. Please quit trying to fake your way to gravitas; you look like a nincompoop when you pose for dramatic photos. You may be a pluperfect Tory toff, but “fake it till you make it” is not an option, and you, sirrah, are not to be taken seriously.

24. Patrick Fucking Rock. How strangely ironic that the man behind #23′s porn filters…has himself been found in possession of kiddie porn. I guess he figured he had the perfect front, eh?

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25. Cara Fucking Claffy. Because mothers just hit themselves in the head with vibrators all the time.

26. Warren Fucking Farrell. Hey! Remember when he got the whiny sexist asswipes — sorry, human rights activists — of A Voice For Men to help him pick between three salacious covers for the new e-book edition of his nonsensical tome on how men are oppressed by their desire to fuck themselves into oblivion? Well, you’ll be delighted to know he went with Dat Ass. Not the ass he’d originally proposed, but a more “tasteful” tush, suitable for the cover of a book of erotica. Which, I’m sure, his maunderings are to him and his ilk. Everybody else, though, is grossed out.

27. Lily Fucking Allen. Just in time for Women’s Day, she too has decided to reveal herself as some daffy kind of Men’s Rightser. She doesn’t understand why feminism still exists, but she thinks WOMEN are “the enemy”? Quick recap: Feminism isn’t about hating men, it’s about ending sexism. And if you wonder why feminism still exists, and why just thinking you’re equal isn’t enough to make it so, better take a long hard look at your own internalized misogyny over there in the mirror. Because girl, that is NOT a good look. And that, not men, is what is being opposed here.

28. Vic Fucking Toews. Spying pervert gets appointed to Court of Queen’s Bench. I can’t even. There just isn’t enough face for all this palm.

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29. Bernard Fucking Marsonek. Because doesn’t everyone have sex with pitbulls in the backyard? Jeez, people. Such prudes!

30. Michael Fucking McClendon. Because doesn’t everyone at West Point secretly make locker-room videos of female cadets? Gawd. It’s like a scene out of Porky’s!

31. Craig Fucking Cobb. So, finally, he’s fucking off out of Leith, ND? That’s the good news. The bad is that he’s still trying to Nazify the town. Let’s hope the locals find a way of taking it back…ALL back.

32. Borys Fucking Filatov. Nice new “leaders” Ukraine has. This Nazi-sympathizing oligarch as much as said to promise Crimea one thing, then do the opposite later. Oh yeah, and I’m sure the Crimeans are delighted to know that he considers them “scum” fit only for “hanging later”. Yeah, now we see why they prefer the Russians…eh?

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33. Alex Fucking Levant. Meanwhile in Canada, we have gun nuts posing for macho photos, overtly threatening women in CUPE…on International Women’s Day, no less. And right after a woman at the university where he works was injured in a shooting. Charming little shit, ain’t he?

34. Darren Fucking Sharper. Pro tip: “Non-consensual sex” isn’t sex. It’s rape. And no, not saying rape doesn’t make it not-rape. Got that?

35. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Shit, who needs sisterly solidarity when you can have nasty partisan bitchery featuring the epic electoral fail that is Sarah Fucking Palin? As if having a woman on the ticket means your party is good for women. Mish, have you looked at the Repug platform lately?

36. Mitchell Fucking Wright. And in other absurdity involving women, nothing says “You’ve come a long way, baby!” like the phrase stripper meth ring. Oh yeah, and this guy worked for the DEA…past tense, please note.

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37. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Way to put your foot in it, Piyush. And fuck that First Amendment, too, while you’re at it.

38. Francis Fucking Gurry. Collecting DNA evidence to catch a whistleblower? Wow. That’s some world-class fanaticism and paranoia you got there, dude.

39. Sarah Fucking Palin. And what would a weekly wankapedia be without her? Because this week, she wants to see Russia nuked. From her house in Wasilla, no doubt. While eating green eggs and ham, even.

40. Ann Fucking Coulter. And finally, the Coultergeist gets the nod, for her same-old-same-old racism, hyperbole, and genocidal fascism. Nice to see that age hasn’t mellowed her a bit, and that wisdom has come no closer to touching her than it ever did. I don’t have to tell her never to change, because she never will…and luckily, she can’t get much worse, unless she gnaws through the bottom of that rotten ol’ whisky barrel.

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And finally, to our wonderful government, for getting the whole Crimea situation so completely fucked up that they’re refusing to do joint exercises with the Russian military, and are sending home nine Russian soldiers who had nothing to do with any of that. Way to go, you bag of dicks. Remind me again of why we got rid of the Berlin Wall, and why that whole Cold War thing was a bad idea? Oh yeah…you can’t because you’re still soaking in it. And just you wait till it comes back to bite you.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week. Comments Off »

Wankers of the Week: The Battle of Ukraine

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, isn’t this a party? Only a week after the Olympics, and the Yanks have decided that now is a good time to poke the Russian bear over Ukraine. Somebody’s forgetting the size of the claws on that motherfucker. Not to mention the long reach of those big paws. It’s like nobody’s learned a goddamn thing since the Cuban Missile Crisis. Well, maybe that wasn’t a close enough call for them. They just won’t be happy until the whole Crimean Peninsula blows up in their faces. Looks like it just might. While we wait for THAT shitstorm to hit the fan, here are some other shitheads to keep us entertained…in no particular order, as always:

1. Pat Fucking Buchanan. As a matter of fact, repealing civil-rights laws WOULD result in a return to Jim Crow, with a vengeance. One has only to look at the uneven application of “Stand Your Ground” in Florida to know that only white people can use that as a defence…and that even a blind drunkard can get his guns back. Anyway, isn’t it time Puke-Cannon went to meet his Maker…Cthulhu?

2. Chris Fucking Mapp. So, it’s normal to call Mexican and other Central American immigrants “wetbacks”, is it? Well, where I come from, it’s okay to call idiots and racists what they are. And in his case, the words “teabag”, “asshat” and “dumbfuck” also apply.

3. Jim Fucking Nielsen. So, men are often “surprised” when their wives leave them? Well, throwing up more hoops for divorcing women to jump through won’t change a thing about that. How about teaching men not to be assholes? That would lower the divorce rate considerably. Or, if it doesn’t do that, well…at least the assholes getting dumped won’t have to wonder why.

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4. Beau Fucking Broussard. Just how dumb and gullible are those right-wing white bubbas in the South? They’d vote for you if you bribed them with beans…and they refuse to vote for blacks because, to quote this one, “They got their place, I got my place. That’s the way I was raised.” The South shall rise again!…in a pig’s neoconfederate ass.

5. Brad Fucking Butt. If anyone would know about vote fraud, it’s the SupposiTories. After all, they stole enough ridings in the last election to make sure that they don’t want anyone who’d vote against them and their disenfranchising policies to vote in the next one!

6. Steve Fucking Martin. So, women are just incubators for fetuses? Well, I always did suspect that’s what fetal personhood was really all about. It’s the complete depersonalization of the woman, stupid!

7. John Fucking McCain. What was he doing over there in Ukraine? Shaking hands with fascist putschists, natch. Next stop: Venezuela!

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8. Rob Fucking Ford. Robbo gets asked a question he doesn’t like — by Daniel Dale, whom he also doesn’t like? Robbo threatens to take his ball and go home. Next time, Robbo, try holding your breath…that’s what all the other toddlers do! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Careful how you bluster, Robbo, someone might just call your bluff!

9. Robin Fucking Thicke. So, finally Paula Patton wisely dumps his sorry ass. Guess he crossed too many “Blurred Lines”, eh? I hope she takes his douchey convict suit to the cleaners while the money from that awful song is still rolling in.

10. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Never mind the “gay panic” testimonies of the killers themselves…Rusty seriously believes that the murder of Matthew Shepard wasn’t an anti-gay hate crime! Next up: Sky green, water dry, and fish live in the desert sand.

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11. Perez Fucking Hilton. Black women are like WHO? Um, no. Dude. Do NOT go there.

12. Matt Fucking Barber. Feminism means “rape me”? Um, NO. Only in your overheated wingnut imagination, dude.

13. Paul Fucking Cameron. Of course HE’s “open” to the idea of a death penalty for gays. After all, it won’t affect HIM. And he’s not human anyway.

14. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Legally mandated non-discrimination is “fascism”? Um, NO. It’s actually the polar opposite of. But hey! Isn’t it nice to know that even with a better haircut and no more fucking bowtie, the Superannuated Fratboy is just as dumb and obnoxious as ever?

15. Dick Fucking Cheney. Why?

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That’s why. Yup, same old warmongerin’ Big Dick. Nice to see that despite extensive surgery, he still has no heart.

16. Paula Fucking Deen. Being that racist hypocrite trying to make a comeback is like being “that black football player who recently came out”? Um, no. HELL no. Just NO.

17. Geoffrey Fucking Pyatt. How does a Jewish ambassador get to be a supporter of Ukrainian neo-Nazis? Is this some new brand of diplomacy that I wasn’t aware of till now?

18. John Fucking Baird. So, he’s just excluded all parties but his own from that junket to Ukraine? I would say I’m terribly shocked, but then I remember that this is actually going to be a meeting of kindred spirits. You know, of the fascist antidemocratic kind, and all.

19. Michelle Fucking Bachman. What — her, fade into peaceful irrelevance, where she belongs? Not a chance! Nope, Marcus’s Beard wants us all to tolerate intolerance, and save her marriage by making sure he never comes out of mothballs and leaves her for some dude. Don’t worry, Mish, the gay guys don’t want him anyway!

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20. Doug Fucking Ford. Go ahead, Dougie, launch that complaint. Maybe you and Robbo will get to share a cell yet. At this rate, you both deserve to. Tweedledum and Tweedledee should never be separated, after all!

21. Robert Fucking Jeffress. And moar “tolerate mah intolerance”! Yeah, I’ll tolerate your genocidal, eliminationist tendencies, Jeffy-poo…IN A PIG’S ASS.

22. Judson Fucking Phillips. And even MOAR “tolerate mah intolerance” from the head of Tea Bag Nation. Would you like a slice of penis cake with that, sir? Don’t worry, I’ll cut it from the part right below the balls.

23. Vitaly Fucking Klitschko. Guess who’s been trying to turn Ukraine into a fascist Balkan? Yup. THIS guy. And Anonymous has the goods on him.

24. Curtis Fucking Lepore. Why?

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He’s been accused of rape and assault on his former girlfriend, and now he’s looking to clear his not-so-good name by trolling for teenage girls to “willingly have sex” with him. NB: He’s over 20. Dude, you’re barely Internet-famous. Do you want to be real-life infamous?

25. Jacek Fucking Protasiewicz. It’s important to remember that being drunk doesn’t turn you into someone else, it just brings out the part of you that you’ve kept hidden and repressed. So, that being said, what are we to make of this guy, who yelled “Heil Hitler” at a customs agent in Frankfurt Airport while drunk, and started asking people if they’d ever been to Auschwitz?

26. Lawrence Fucking Lockman. What kind of proto-teabag “patriot” sees sexual assault as a harmless outlet for “sexual freedom”? THIS guy. Also, he hates abortion and teh queers, and has some amusingly outdated notions about how AIDS gets spread. Most of all, though, he hates the IRS. I mean, who doesn’t, right? But he sure does love cosplaying as Dracula. That’s gotta count for something, even if in his case, “something” is Teh Stoopid.

27. Bill Fucking Donohue. Poor widdle oppwessed religious people — they can’t bash gays with impunity anymore. Whatever is the world coming to? I don’t know, but it sure makes me happy to see HIS butt in a world of hurt.

28. John Fucking Derbyshire. Well, in case there was every any doubt, Pervyshire has finally decided to wear his swastikas and jackboots out in public, along with every other unsavory impulse he’s had a hard time keeping under his cloak. He’s even recommending that his fellow neofascists study a certain hideous “pickup artist” site, run by one James Fucking Wiedmann, whose dating advice would be laughable if it didn’t result in real-life harm to actual women. If Pervyshire thinks that all that’s needed to turn ladies into good little Nazi bootlickerettes is some “alpha male seduction strategies”, he’s in for one helluva shock. That kind of tactic is likelier to turn its targets into radical feminists over the long haul.

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29. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. Maybe he should change his last name to Brazen, because not only is he working at a seedy strip joint, he’s also inviting Robbo (and all the other crapped-out politicos) to come and take advantage of the — and I quote, verbatim: “Buffet is free, would cost taxpayers nothing, free, rien, nada! GR8food! Simple math!” Yeah, dude, I’m sure they would come to a place called “Barefax Gentlemen’s Club” for the fucking food. Didn’t Robbo say he got enough to eat at home, anyway?

30. Mike Fucking Karpele. Didn’t I so often say that Bitcoin is Shitcoin? Well, now the Shitcoin has hit the fan. Mt. Gox, the ludicrously named speculators’ exchange for the worst currency concept ever, has been raided and is under bankruptcy protection. The funniest part is watching all those anti-government libertarians scrambling to the evil, evil regulators in a futile effort to recoup their (largely unearned) money. It’s like no one ever learned a thing from the Wall St. crash of ’29…and in this case, they made a collective, concerted effort to unlearn everything. Well, libertarians, there’s your grand economic philosophy…shot to death by its own invisible hand. Ha, ha.

31. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Awwwww. Duzzums haz a mad? Hey, if people call you Hitler, it’s a distinct case of “If the shoe fits…diddums.”

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32. Ann Fucking Coulter. She speaks of people on pot with some degree of authority. I’m guessing that dates back to her days as a Deadhead. Although I honestly can’t fathom why the Grateful Dead would put up with a hanger-on of such obnoxious ilk.

33. Alex Fucking Jones. I already demolished Bowtie Boy (see #14, above), but if you ever want to double your displeasure and double your dumb, just put him in the same room with this tinfoil haberdasher. Jesus H. Christ, what a fuckpile of Teh Stoopid.

34. Christopher Fucking McFadden. What the hell kind of judge lets a man off for raping a woman with Down Syndrome? And just because she wasn’t acting “right” for a victim, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean, doesn’t mean he deserves to get let off. Sign the petition, folks, and pass it on, because this kind of stupidity shouldn’t even be graduated from law school, never mind occupying a judge’s bench.

35. John Fucking Boehner. Well, well. Looks like the Weeper of the House finally has something real to cry big oily orange tears about. Memo to the media: It’s all right if you start pronouncing his name “Boner” now, everybody else does anyway!

36. Josh Fucking Miller. Why?

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That’s why. Because apparently, it’s not laziness or drug abuse when right-wing assholes do it.

And finally, to this bunch of fucking wankers at the University of Ottawa. Not only did they think that raping an elected student leader was some kind of a joke, they are actually suing her for making their bro-on-bro banter public. Sorry, dudes, but chat logs are NOT private. Anything you say on the Internets can and will be used against you. Good luck with your lawsuit…and by “good luck”, I mean FUCK YOU. Up the ass, of course, since you seem to like it that way.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week. Comments Off »

Wankers of the Week: The Ruckus in Caracas

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about all those riots in Venezuela? Have they got you convinced that Madurito is the Worstest President Ever? And that he needs to go? If so, the more fool you…you got the wool pulled over your eyes by your own corporate media — AGAIN. Not to worry, Nicolás Maduro isn’t going anywhere. He’s got the backing of UNASUR, Mercosur…and the bulk of the Venezuelan people. These wankers, on the other hand, include some REAL tyrants…and with any luck, they’re going DOWN. In no particular order, as usual:

1. Tony Fucking Abbott. So, spying “benefits our friends”? Those “friends” being the slimiest imperial regimes on Earth? With “friends” like those, Australia doesn’t need enemies.

2. Mark Fucking Levin. No, same-sex marriage isn’t like “father-daughter incest”. It’s like regular marriage, only gay. DUH.

3. Ted Fucking Cruz. Pray for discrimination! Why? Oh, who knows? Like #2, it seems to be an exercise in homophobia just for the hell of it. Now with more boo-hoo and crybaby tantrums!

4. Rick Fucking Snyder. And speaking of boo-hoo and crybaby tantrums, there’s the so-called governor of Michigan…whose idea of governing is to deny rights to citizens. And he’s willing to make a federal case of it. Here’s hoping he loses.

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5. Rob Fucking Ford. In case there was any doubt that he was a homophobe, here you go: He’s gone and declared war on LGBTs everywhere. Ford Nation: a “nation” of two (Robbo and Dougie), two members stupid. And destined to fail.

6. Doug Fucking Ford. Aw, da bullies are being bullied by the victims of their own bullying! My heart bleeds! Meanwhile, guess who’s been throwing red meat to the other conservative bullies? Yup, THOSE guys. FAIL!

7. Fucking Lululemon. Does anything evil that this Randroid corporation does surprise you? Because it no longer surprises me. And it’s just one more reason for me never to be caught dead in any of their overpriced crap.

8. Pat Fucking Robertson. World’s worst advice: Having a trans girlfriend is sin to be kept forever in the closet, and Wiccan parenting puts you on a par with people who turn their kids into drug dealers and prostitutes. Really, Patwa? Because, funnily, I’ve never sold sex OR drugs. And neither have any other Witches I know. OR their kids. Maybe you should leave the advice-giving to Dear Abby and Ann Landers, Patwa.

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9. Bob Fucking Marshall. Did gay voters get to ratify YOUR right to marry, Mr. Marshall? NO? Well, then, don’t complain when your not-so-democratic constitutional amendment gets shut down. And hands off the judge who only did the right thing — Loving v. Virginia is a legal precedent!

10. John Fucking McCain. Guess who’s all for US interference in Venezuela? Yup…THIS guy. Am I ever glad he’s not president, because his ass in the White House would spell unmitigated disaster.

11. Brent Fucking Bozell. Surprise, surprise, another right-wing plagiarist has been caught passing off someone else’s work as his own. This one has made a career out of haranguing non-cons to “TELL THE TRUTH!” Maybe he should try it himself sometime, eh?

12. John Fucking Kirkwood. The smell of mothballs is strong with this one. Funny how anti-gay assholes always spend more time thinking about gay sex than gay people themselves do. Why is that, I wonder?

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13. Miranda Fucking Barbour. Murdering a man you lured on Craigslist is a heinous crime. But bragging that you’ve done dozens more of the same when you clearly haven’t? That, my friends, is one bizarro wank.

14. Jerry Fucking Boykin. If you ever wonder why there is a church/state separation (and why it ought to be even deeper), just look at Jesus’ General here, claiming that a mostly peaceful Jewish carpenter from 2000 years ago is gonna come back wielding a 20th-century weapon widely touted as a “Man Card”. There aren’t enough cuckoos in the clock for this one.

15. August Fucking Byron Fucking Kreis. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how evil it is that he is both a white supremacist preacher…and a molester of little girls.

16. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Same-sex marriage will lead to what? Um, no. For one thing, straight men have been demanding those things for as long as I can remember. For another, they did that long before same-sex marriage was even a legal thing. And women have been saying no to sexual demands that they didn’t want to meet for at least that long, too. You know what’s truly heinous and ungodly? All those bogus studies claiming to “prove” things that they don’t. And those ugly chin-whiskers.

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17. Ted Fucking Nugent. Dude, you calling anyone a Nazi is a distinct case of “pot, meet kettle”. STFU and go away, already. PS: Don’t bother nopologizing, the whole world knows you’re not really sorry for being a racist.

18. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. So, what’s Harpo’s pet senator/domestic abuser/embezzler up to lately? Oh, not much. Just managing a seedy strip joint in Ottawa. And still answering to “Senator Brazeau”, if you can believe that. How long do you reckon it’ll be before he’s arrested for harassing the dancers?

19. Scott Fucking Walker. Surprise, surprise…his staffers include a number of unfunny racists who like to forward unfunny racist e-mails and send illegal campaign mails on the public dime too. If that’s not a waste of public money, I don’t know what is. And for the thousandth time, Wisconsin…why the hell have you not impeached this shitweasel?

20. Simon Fucking Lokodo. He thinks that men raping girls is natural, but gay relationships between consenting adults are not? And just think, this deluded preacher is a minister for “ethics and integrity” in the Ugandan government! No wonder Uganda is so fucked up. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

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21. Greg Fucking Ball. Saving the whales is a nice thing; plagiarizing a high-schooler’s essay in order to do it, however, is a wank. Give credit where it’s due like a grownup, senator!

22. John Fucking Myers. Whatever happened to that vow of poverty? Oh, I see…schoolkids are supposed to take it, while bishops get to live in palaces. If Pope Francis doesn’t give this one a stern talking-to, I’m going to be adding another wanker to this list. PS: “Your Grace”? Um, try DISgrace.

23. Tom Fucking DeLay. No, God didn’t write the US constitution, nor is it based on the bible. He also didn’t write the bible. God can’t write, you fucking idiot.

24. Scott Fucking Lively. Anyone else struck by the hypocrisy of a fascist preacher who calls for the death of gays all the time, telling people exercising their right to free speech to “stop killing speech”? Considering that his “speech” is responsible for actual human deaths, I’d say shutting him up is the most humane thing to do.

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25. David Fucking Cameron. Is there any further doubt in your minds that not only is he unpopular with the British electorate (he had to have a coalition government, this time ’round), but he’s also a true tyrant? Who else would try to make money from people being kicked off public assistance?And threaten to press criminal charges against anyone who challenged the decision to cut them off? And of course, who can ever forget all that infamous kettling? You won’t see THAT happening in Venezuela, kiddies. But you WILL see it happening in merry old riot-torn England.

26. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. Hey! Remember how she was all huggy-kissy-cozy with Roberto Fucking Micheletti, the interim dictator of Honduras, who overthrew a democratically elected and popular president there in 2009 (with a little “help” from his US State Dept. “friends”)? Well, guess what: She’s now dissing another democratically elected, popular president…IN VENEZUELA. Whatever could it mean???

27. James Fucking Bloodworth. If you’re going to go accusing the majority of Venezuelans (who, be it noted, actually live, work and vote there) of having a “huge blind spot” about their own country, maybe you should start with that plank in your own pretty blue eyes, Jimbo. And by “plank”, I mean CRAPAGANDA.

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28. Leopoldo Fucking López. Speaking of pretty boys: Yup, Leo’s a wanker too — this week, every week. For fomenting another lousy putsch (doomed to failure, and you heard it here first). And for being possessed (demonically, even) of a criminal ambition so naked that even the CIA’s “diplomatic” spooks could see it for years. And faithfully reported it back to Washington, so he could be duly cultivated, financed and trained for the very actions you’re seeing go down in Venezuela now.

29. Rex Fucking Tillerson. This week in Shit You Couldn’t Make Up If You Tried, ExxtortionMobil’s CEO is all for fracking. Just not in his own backyard, because it would frighten the horses…and lower his $5 million property value.

30. Dean Fucking Esmay. Pro tip: When trying to convince an 18-year-old woman (who totally has you pegged, BTW) that your “men’s HUMAN rights” movement isn’t just an echo chamber for rampant misogyny and flat-out ridiculosity, you might want to start by, you know, not proving your detractor’s point for her in your so-called rebuttal.

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And finally, to the two fucking wankers above, and to anyone else who mindlessly retweeted any of those hashtags this week, or spread any of the crapaganda memes attached to them. Congratulations, the Mighty Wurlitzer has played you like a cheap fiddle. I hope you have the decency to feel foolish when you realize you’ve just backed another fascist coup in the name of “freedom”. If you think Leopoldo Fucking López (a.k.a. Wanker #28) is a man of the people, you are in for one helluva shock. Prettyboy Leo is an oligarch among oligarchs, and he couldn’t care less for democracy. And neither can all the little shitweasels who’ve been doing his bidding, terrorizing the cities of Venezuela because they can’t handle losing more than a dozen free, fair elections over the last 15 years. If you ever wonder why the opposition can’t make inroads against the PSUV, better ask yourself instead why the old ruling class of Venezuela will never make a comeback, and why they keep losing election after election. Because when all the dust from the current kerfuffle settles, the fact will remain that they aren’t a democratic opposition at all, but a bunch of whiny, overbred twits who don’t have the brains or the work ethic to run a lemonade stand, never mind a country rich with history…and oil.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: The Never-Ending Winter of Our Discontent

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s everybody enjoying that unrelenting snowy deep freeze? I just managed to thaw my fingers long enough to type all this, so let’s get on it. Here’s who frosted my ass this week, in no particular order:

1. Irina Fucking Rodnina. Oh, Iroshka. A racist Obama meme, followed by the ol’ Freeze Peach excuse? Really? One expects better of Olympic cauldron-lighters. Especially at your age. PS: And no, I don’t believe you were hacked, either. Own your shit, lady.

2. James Fucking Taranto. You heard the man, folks…date rape ain’t nothing but a drunk-driving collision. So who cares if he rammed her on purpose while she was too drunk to get out of his way, eh? Let’s just blame her, absolve him, pat ourselves on the back, and call it a day’s work. And this is what passes for Deep Thought at the Wall Street Urinal…

3. Scott Fucking Lively. Oh, so fascist thugs beating up gay Russians are a “hoax” now? Uh-uh, Snotty. You helped MAKE those fascist bastards by cheerleading repressive legislation. Own your shit, asshole. And knock off this conspiracy nonsense. Unless you want a Flaming Pants award.

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4. Lori Fucking Gottlieb. First she wrote a whole fucking book telling women to settle for a so-so man because it might just be their last chance at marriage; now, she’s pushing the bullshit that men who do more around the house are gonna get less in the sack. Does anyone else smell a troll? Because this is pretty much textbook MR(B)M Nice Guy™ boosterism here. With a hefty dollop of late-Eighties “Man Shortage” panic thrown in.

5. Avigdor Fucking Lieberman. And the apartheid Oscar goes to…Scarlett Fucking Johansson! Because corporate cash is more important than anti-poverty activism. Also, fuck the Palestinians.

6. R. Lee Fucking Ermey. So, what to do about bullied kids committing suicide? MOAR GUNS! Give those poor neutered boyz a penis compensator and a Man Card™. Level playing field, bitchezzz!

7. Michael Fucking Dunn. So, the “I hate thug music” shooter has more tears on the stand for his own dog than he does for someone else’s kid? And he still had the appetite to order a pizza after committing cold-blooded murder? Well, ain’t THAT some shit. Racism is a powerful drug, people. Never even ONCE. PS: Overdramatic much?

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8. Ann Fucking Coulter. Speaking of drugs, what is the Coultergeist on? Because whatever it is, I want NONE.

9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Straight people are “under assault” from the gay community? Well, I guess that explains Rusty’s three failed marriages, then. And the fact that he had the very gay Sir Elton John sing at his fourth wedding doesn’t bode too well for him, either.

10. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. For someone who spends so much time obsessing about gays, John Jacob Jingleheimer sure doesn’t know much about them. For one thing, I have yet to meet one (and I know a great many) who need to wear diapers just because they “sinned”. Also, anal sex: Not for gay guys only. Straight women do it too. How many of THEM are in diapers?

11. Don Fucking Feder. Sexual rights may be a “heady elixir”, but they’re no guarantee that we’ll all go out and get bombed, any more than a liquor store in every town would be. But try telling that to a “family values” homophobic paranoiac, eh? They all think that Pooty-Poot is just dandy for enabling fascist gangs to beat up queers who never laid a hand on a child.

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12. Tony Fucking Perkins. And once more, with feeling: No, teaching kids that being gay is okay is NOT going to make them gay. It’s going to teach them that they’re okay. Couldn’t have THAT, could we?

13. Michael Fucking Skakel. The rich really ARE not like the rest of us. How many common killers do YOU know who got to go skiing with a monitoring bracelet around their ankles?

14. Clarence Fucking Thomas. Of course he thinks the Jim Crow South was better than the integrated north…because Unka Clarence does whatever his corporate masters tell him to do. Just like in the Good Ol’ Days!

15. Billy Ray Fucking Cyrus. What’s that you say? You’re so glad you don’t have to listen to “Achy Breaky Heart” anymore? Well, guess what: You’re gonna have to sit through that ALL OVER AGAIN. And with a whole lotta awful twerking thrown in, too.

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16. Sam Fucking Wheeler. While a college football star was busy coming out of the closet, this little shit was trying to push him right back in. As you can see, that didn’t go too well.

17. Christian Fucking Niccum. And speaking of trying to shove people into the closet…dude, what is UP with you? A jokey video shouldn’t upset you…unless there’s something in your own closet that’s trying to kick the door down and get away from all the fucking mothballs.

18. Curtis Anton Fucking Beseda. Why does it figure that this would-be fire-bomber of abortion clinics is also a child molester? Oh, probably for the same reason it figures that a child molester would be someone who also likes to fire-bomb abortion clinics in his spare time.

19. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. Dude, if marriage is only between a man and a woman, as you homophobes like to claim, then there can’t be a third person in it, by definition. Not even if that “person” is your sky-pixie himself.

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20. Fucking Drake. A much more talented man died and you’re kvetching that he “stole” the cover of Rolling Stone from you? Learn to pack that ego down in ice, fella. I doubt very much that you’ll rate a cover even when you are dead.

21. Ann Fucking Coulter. You can’t live in the US anymore? Fine. Here’s a one-way ticket to Somalia. Adios!

22. Erik Fucking Rush. If His Barackness is murdering anyone who criticizes him, why are you still alive? For that matter, why am I? Because lord knows I’ve kvetched enough about him not being a socialist…

23. Jerry Fucking Clanton. No, raping a 15-year-old is not a mere “moral mistake”. You were a fucking cop. Do you not realize that what you did there is illegal? And that believing she was 18 is no excuse? And that it should automatically disqualify you from ever sitting in another squad car, unless you’re handcuffed in the back seat?

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24. Bernie Fucking Herpin. In what bizarre parallel universe is it a “good thing” that a mass killer had a 100-round magazine? It’s not a good thing he had one, it’s a good thing that it fucking JAMMED. And in a properly regulated environment, he would never have been able to buy one, because a guy with mental issues is no danger to society unless he’s fucking ARMED, you dumb dickweed.

25 and 26. Peter and Kim Fucking Bayliss. Trying to get a perfectly sane neighbor declared mentally incompetent? Sorry, it’ll cost you. And it ain’t gonna happen anyhow. Ha, ha.

27. Susan Fucking Patton. Lady, neither of my two late grandmas EVER gave me the old speech about buying cows vs. getting milk for free. Probably because both of them had lived and worked on farms, and knew from personal experience that milk is NEVER free. (Hint: You have to fondle an udder to get some. And make sure your ass doesn’t get kicked off the milking stool if you do it ineptly.) Also, women are not cattle, sex is not milk, and men are not the reason we get post-secondary educations. ‘Fact, the only love advice I ever got from a grandma is to sit down and have a drink, ALONE, if your guy’s doing you wrong. And the grandma who told me that, and served me sherry whenever I was down in the dudely dumps? A devout Catholic. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that your advice is cowflops, Susie.

28. Sergey Fucking Markov. In Putin’s Russia, table make sex with you! The question is, do you want to make sex with table? (Didn’t think so.)

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29. Yoweri Fucking Museveni. When it comes to kill-the-queers laws, this dude’s been up and down (and round and round) more times than a yo-yo at a tricks tournament. And now, at long last, we know where he stands on the issue. Welcome to the wrong side of history, dude!

30. The Fucking Duggars. I’m sorry, but Valentine’s Day is already nauseating enough. The last thing anyone needs is sex advice from two people who think girl babies make their Original Sin-laden mama twice as contaminated as boy babies do…and who have 20 messed-up kids (whose names all start with the same letter) to prove it.

31. Tom Fucking Perkins. Extinction of the 1%? Dude, you say that like it’s a BAD thing! Pay your taxes and shut the fuck up, because nobody wants to hear a morality lecture from a spoiled old geezer who everybody knows didn’t get so damn rich off his own morality.

32. Paul Fucking LePage. Well, I guess we know where HE stands on drug addiction. Right on the neck of anyone trying to get help, obviously.

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33. Ted Fucking Cruz. Oh noes, the gays are getting married right and left, and Ted’s widdle feewings are huwt! I’m not sure how or why this matter should concern him so personally, unless maybe the dude he wants is marrying some other dude. In which case I gotta say: Damn, that’s really rough…but it’s not a sound basis for legislation that will only end up discriminating against an already persecuted minority.

34. Roy Fucking Moore. For the hundred millionth time: The US constitution says NOTHING about marriage. Not one word. Marriage equality will not only NOT destroy it, it won’t even touch it! This dude, on the other hand, would like to tear it up so he can insert language that not only isn’t there, it doesn’t belong there. But what were we expecting from the guy who thinks that a legal system based on the Code of Hammurabi was actually built on the Ten Fucking Commandments…good sense? Hahahahaha.

35. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. Yup, a double Fucking, because that’s how petulant and idiotic and totally-not-to-be-taken-seriously this tantrum-tossing two-year-old is. For his next trick no doubt, he will hold his breath and turn blue.

36. Donny Fucking Reagan. So, you always suspected that southern preacher-men had a religious justification for racism, along with all those other odious -isms they preach? Well, guess what: You’re right! And oh my gawd, Teh Stoopid is strong with this one. (Also, when he talks, be it about “hybreeding” or whatever, it looks like he’s constantly, painfully sharting.)

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37. James Fucking O’Keefe. Wait, lemme see if I got this straight — a professional defamer is being sued for…wait for it…DEFAMATION? I am shocked. Shocked, I tell ya.

38. Wendy Fucking Davis. Much as it pains me to include her, she leaves me no choice. And I’m sure the women of Texas feel much that way, too.

39. Canh Fucking Oxelson. Dude, you’re only supposed to LOOK like Tiger Fucking Woods…not ACT like him at his worst. And what the hell are you doing working at a boys’ school which became infamous for sexual abuse on campus? Oh wait, don’t tell me, let me guess.

40. Todd Fucking Starnes. You want to identify as a pine cone on Facebook, Todd? Hey, go right ahead. But don’t be too surprised if the pine cones say they want nothing to do with you, onaccounta you’re an idiot.

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And finally, to the Fucking Repugs of Tennessee. Interfering with an auto-workers’ vote on unions, pushing the “right to work” agenda down VW’s throat…I could go on, but it’s all just a clear violation of the right to freedom of speech and association. What part of the First Amendment is unclear to you greedy motherfuckers? I know it’s a constant race to the bottom with you people, but can you not butt the fuck out of workers’ right to decide their own fate?

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: The Toilets of Sochi

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Crappy weekend everyone! This week has literally ended up in the crapper, especially if you’re in Sochi, where all kinds of weird toilet arrangements can be found. We’ve seen everything from twin turdcatchers to a guy who had to break out of his own bathroom. And that’s just the inanimate objects that were full of shit. Here come the people, in no particular order:

1. Matthew Fucking Mills. It wouldn’t be the Stupor Bowl without an idiot on the field…or in this case, a mike-jacker trying to stick a little 9-11 twoofiness up in there. Does anyone seriously believe that an investigation will be forthcoming just because some random weirdo called for it by interrupting a press conference? I mean, how many times in the history of ever has THAT happened?

2. Richard Fucking Denton-White. Well, there goes the idea that the English are all so polite. This one’s got a mouth on him that would embarrass a drunken sailor. Kiss your mother with that, guvnor?

3. John Fucking Elway. And here’s why the Denver Broncos not only lost, but deserved to lose. This guy’s a Repug because he “doesn’t believe in safety nets”? Dude, I’m a socialist because I don’t believe in NOT having them.

4. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?

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That’s why. Meanwhile, even with the supposed star power of ScarJo, Soda Stream is, pardon the pun, tanking. Meaning, it’s a BDS win, and a “buycott” fail. Ha, ha.

5. John Fucking Dodrill. All right, so you DON’T want any Thin Mints. Fine. But MUST you point a gun at a Girl Scout selling cookies? Jayzus.

6. Glenn Fucking Beck. As usual, it’s Opposite Day in Biff’s little world. Where else would a laudable effort at social inclusion be “divisive”, while the blatantly xenophobic and at times downright racist reaction from the right is supposedly not?

7. Amy Fucking Chua. Likability: Ur doin it rong. Now go the fuck AWAY.

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8 and 9. Sheryl Fucking Sandberg and Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. “Lean In” for corporatism, antifeminism…and a rabid anti-Cuba warhawk who can’t stop wanking over Venezuela and openly called for a coup there? No, thanks. I think I’ll be running for the door.

10. John Fucking Tory. And speaking of the futility of Leaning In, there’s this guy. Apparently he thinks that all women need to do to get equal pay is ask for it. Uh, John? What do you think we’ve been trying to do for the last three decades with pay equity legislation, dammit? And has it ever occurred to you that when women demand equal pay, we’re only more likely to get shit-canned?

11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Hey, now, Pigman. Don’t be giving Coke any positive, progressive ideas on how to further piss off you and your racist ilk! Because, you know, there’s plenty of room on that label for a dozen languages, as anyone who’s ever bought chocolate in Europe can tell you!

12. Todd Fucking Starnes. Why?

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That’s why. Newsflash: Mexicans have their own Coke. It’s still made with real cane sugar, and anyone who’s tried both that and the current, high-fructose US version will tell you Mexican Coke is better. And by the way, those “illegals”? They’re the same people to whom half the US used to belong, before the Mexican-American War. If anything is of dubious legality, it’s that border they keep crossing, presumably to get inferior Coke. Read a little history, you embarrassing spittle-spouter.

13. Donald Fucking Trump. Who the hell wears a tie to a football game? Barack Obama is the president of the United States, not the White House butler. He can wear whatever the occasion demands, including casual dress.

14. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. I would ask just how John Jacob Jingleheimer knows who’s going to heaven and who’s not, but it’s pointless. He thinks he’s God, and he wants to dictate policy to the government! Thankfully, he’s not in charge of anything. The only question is, why does he still have a pulpit to bully from?

15. Heather Fucking Watt. Stand yer ground against loud music from next door! And the best way to do that is to break in on your neighbors with a gun in your hand.

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16. Pat Fucking Robertson. Hey Patwa, there’s no point in telling Ken Fucking Ham to shut up. Just do the same yourself, because you already ARE a joke. Without any help from him, I might add.

17. Terry Fucking Mortenson. What the hell does Hitler have to do with science? The man was a devout Catholic with a lot of downright superstitious ideas about where Europeans came from. And no, he didn’t eat Jews for lunch…he was a vegetarian. The sight of his niece’s suicide apparently put him off meat. Isn’t it terribly inconvenient when the facts don’t fit your stupid hypothesis?

18. Michael Fucking Botticelli. How fucking sad is it when the deputy state drug czar for Oregon doesn’t know if pot is less addictive (and lethal) than crystal meth? Hell, I’m not a druggie, and I know what’s what. So, what’s HIS excuse?

19. Wendi Fucking Deng. I’m not terribly surprised that she had the hots for Dubya’s poodle. Given what she was married to, even a hat rack would look good by comparison. Still, he IS Dubya’s Poodle…and she had the incredibly poor judgment to marry Rupee Fucking Murdoch. So there.

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20 and 21. Jeremy and Justin Bieber. If you wonder why the Bieb is such a little shit, you can stop wondering now. He’s just a chip off the ol’ irresponsible block. Papa Bieber is one helluva role model, isn’t he? And why the FAA didn’t ground that pot-reeking plane is a mystery to me.

22. Piers Fucking Morgan. So, let me get this straight: Janet Mock is “disgraceful” for correcting your misgenderings? Dude, look in the mirror. You’re ten times ruder to her than she was to you.

23. Victoria Fucking Nuland. Surprise, surprise: Interfering State Dept. is interfering. In Ukraine. And they don’t like the EU, either. If you wonder why Venezuelans suspect that the US is behind the fascist uprising in the Maidan, this just might be a clue.

24. Rob Fucking Ford. LGBT rights activists put up a flag at City Hall in Toronto, to show support for Russians who can’t do the same in their country. Who tries to tear it down? This motherfucker. And when he was told that he couldn’t do that? He sulked, pouted, and tried to play patriot. Diddums!

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25. Doug Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, Tweedledee defends Tweedledum’s rampant homophobia. Well, you can’t accuse them of lacking family values, even if they do lack every other kind of morality!

26. Harold Fucking Trinkunas. Looks like the State Dept. isn’t the only one in the interference game; right wing stink tanks are in it too. Meanwhile, they’re supporting a “hypothetical” coup against a man who was, in un-hypothetical fact, democratically elected in Venezuela. And one with whom the government of Brazil is on excellent terms, with no “threatened interests” at all. A small detail, easily overlooked…of course.

27. Gary Fucking James. You want a restaurant boycott? You got it! Hope it tastes good.

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28. Woody Fucking Allen. Is anyone seriously surprised to learn that his perverted jokes aren’t really jokes after all? And that his defenders (including himself and his slimy lawyer) have been full of shit all this time? Didn’t think so.

29. Benjamin Fucking Kneib. Because the Russian Orthodox church isn’t the only one with a lot of catching up to do when it comes to gay rights. Denying communion to long-time parishioners (at one of their mothers’ funeral, no less) because they’re a lesbian couple? Ungodly.

30. Tim Fucking Armstrong. Corporate greed…what’s that? A perfect excuse to blame the employees, especially the women with the sick babies. And to cut employee benefits for everyone at AOHell. Sign the petition, folks.

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And finally, to the Fucking IOC. Of course, they have NO problem with draconian Russian police rounding up, beating and threatening sexual violence against LGBT rights protesters. Why would they? They awarded the games to Russia in the first place, despite numerous and obvious problems with using Sochi as a venue. To admit that they erred would open them up to questions as to why they did so. And forr that, you’d have to start examining a lot of greasy palms and dirty fingernails. Nope, can’t have that, can we…even if we say all the right things.

Good night, and get fucked!