Wankers of the Week: As(s)h(o)ley Madison

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Ashley Madison data dump? It truly is the gift that keeps on giving, because it’s flushing assholes out right and right-er. Strangely, I’m not finding any mentions of people from the left on it, probably because they tend to be cooler all around, and have the happier relationships to prove it. Mostly, it’s just purity culturists and hypocrites and crapitalists getting busted, and frankly, that’s fine with me. Because those people are assholes, and it’s only meet and right that the whole world know it. Know who else is getting outed as an asshole this week? These people, in no particular order:

1. Paul Fucking Elam. Bitter, Party of One? I’m guessing that Paulie’s having trouble with his live-in girlfriend, the one he mooches off of, and resents having to give her regular injections of (cough) “poon” in order to keep the goodies flowing. Why else would he be shitting all over Valentine’s Day six months later (or earlier, as the case may be)? PS: Yup, Paulie’s still bitter about last year’s big exposé of his little MRAsshat shindig in GQ, too. And still plotting his revenge against Jeff Sharlet, who wrote that piece. Give it the fuck UP, Paulie! You really don’t need to make a bigger loser of yourself than you already are.

2. Doug Fucking Ford. More bland nastiness in the federal Conservatives? Worse than Harpo, even? Don’t laugh. Dougie’s seriously considering it, and you wouldn’t want to see Tweedledee get mad. Frod Nation is considering going nationwide, never dreaming that Harpo has already ruined their dreams of “nationhood” forever, because the next PM of Canada won’t be a Harpocrite, or a Frod, or anyone in SupposiTory blue at all.

3. Jeb Fucking Bush. And speaking of bland nastiness, how about Dubya’s little brother? One of his showpiece laws for the state of Florida was a “Scarlet Letter” law requiring women who’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock to slut-shame themselves, since none of their friends, family or neighbors seem to be interested in doing so anymore. It worked about as well as such laws could be expected to do…that is, it backfired spectacularly. And then there’s the fact that Jebby has chosen to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina by marking it with the man responsible for FEMA’s worst fuckup ever, and over a thousand deaths. Oh, and just get a load of him courting the very worst ‘wingers of all — the flibbertigibbertarians! For the love of Bog, Jebby — pack it in, go back to Kennebunkport, and never darken the door of a political office again! PS: No, really, Jebby — SHUT UP. (Or, on second thought, debate that with #4, who is Asian. I’ve been dying to see a good food-fight.)

4. Piyush Fucking Jindal. Why?

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That’s why. He’s the ultimate anchor baby come to no good in Amurrica.

5. Jed Fucking Smock. Is it just me, or does this guy remind you, too, of this old Bloom County ‘toon? I guess we now know who the Snorklewacker really is.

6. Theodore Fucking Beale. First Rule of Pratfalls: When proven a prat, claim that was your whole whiny-ass point. And then flip over the chessboard, shit on everything, and strut away cawing. Then do it again. And again. And again. And AGAIN.

7 and 8. Chris Fucking Christie and Ted Fucking Cruz. Both of them decided to pile onto Jimmy Carter when he was down with cancer, just to score cheap points with redneck voters. They’re the Bobbsey Twins of Boordom, no doubt about it.

9. Josh Fucking Duggar. Sure must be awkward when your own brother-in-law thinks you’re scum, eh?

10 and 11. These two fucking morons right here:

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Between the theocratic pseudo-endorsement and the awfully premature election result call, this is so much stoopid that Jesus has just run out of face to palm.

12. Penelope Fucking Trunk. Don’t know who she is. Don’t read her. Don’t think I want to. The idea of a company “owning” a person to the point where their life and/or health suffers is not something to be encouraged or celebrated by any writer as a business practice. What’s next, a paean to slavery?

13 and 14. Andrew Fucking Auernheimer and Gavin Fucking McInnes. Ooooooo! Food fight on the “alt” right! What’s the “alt right”, you ask? Oh, just a bunch of racist, sexist, everything-phobic fucking hipsters bombed on “craft” wood alcohol who think Adolf Fucking Hitler was Adolf Fucking HIPSTER, because he was into mass genocide before it was cool. Watch these two wannabe machos going at it, slapping each other silly — or sillier, if that’s even possible — on the tweeter. It’s sheer comedy GOLD, I tellz ya.

15. Danny Fucking Dannels. He must make the (defective) nail polish! It is being demanded of him! It is his life’s work! He is an athlete, a scholar, a musician, an artist and a maker, a fighter…jeez, what is this guy not? Well, I notice that he didn’t say he was a properly trained cosmetic chemist. Which is kind of an important thing to be, if you make nail polish and want to keep your customers coming back for more — as opposed to, say, banning them for complaining about your shitty product. Because, funnily, it’s kind of important for them to have fingernails that don’t rot right off their hands, you know?

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16. John Fucking McAfee. The Ashley Madison hack was the work of a lone woman, claims the clown prince of drug-addled (and murderous) cyber-security experts. How does he know? Simple, he says — the hack manifesto contained “emotional language”! Oh, like men don’t get emotional? How then to explain the fact that most of the emo-kids on that sad-sack site for failed poonhounds were male, huh? And the fact that any female insider would have not only known that, but most likely been amused by the shortage of real female users, because she probably keyed in the fake female user data herself?

17. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. D’oh! For a moment there, it looked like Roosh V had finally grown a smidgen of self-awareness. NOPE! Instead of realizing he can’t go on using his “forum” to breed misogynists, he simply tells his commentariat to tone down the use of animated .gifs in the event of a mass shooting by one of his shitbird followers, when the media will turn its harsh spotlights on his site. As though they’re only going to be looking for dancing doodles, and not, say, Roosh’s own justifications for the kind of violence he and his followers wreak on the regular.

18.Zach Fucking Farnam. Ever wonder why women don’t trust cops? Here’s a broad hint: When they can’t stop talking about your boobs on the job, and even leave you inadvertent voicemails to that effect, along with other uncomplimentary shit, well…would YOU trust them?

19. Chris Fucking Alexander. Hard questions about bad immigration policies? Bob, weave, dodge and leave. True SupposiTory transparency, QED.

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20. Owen Fucking Labrie, again. Not so much for getting off rather lightly with a misdemeanor sexual assault charge (as opposed to felony rape), but for the truly unbelievable excuse he made that got him off. “Divine inspiration”? Funnily, the victim didn’t see evidence of any such. As she tells it, he DID penetrate her, and did not leave the room without having done so. And the physical and DNA evidence show as much, too. Strangely, “divine inspiration” did not make her injuries OR his semen disappear.

21. Kim Fucking Davis. Yes, go right ahead and make an asshole of yourself. Make a federal case of your unwillingness to do your job. Just don’t be surprised when your case gets thrown out, because it fucking deserves to be. And so do you. If you can’t issue marriage licences impartially, you’re not fit to be issuing them at all. And your job deserves to go to someone who can and WILL do it. PS: Ha, ha.

22. Noel Fucking Biderman. Get out while the getting’s good, eh? And also before anybody has a chance to demand a refund on their Ashley Madison accounts, which obviously went nowhere AND weren’t being deleted when clients asked (and PAID) for them to be. If you ever needed any more proof that greed isn’t good, here’s one CEO who proved it with pretty much everything he’s done in his working life. PS: And if you wonder why I feel no pain at hearing the company’s in trouble, read this. The company is built on misogyny; it’s not a bug, it’s a fucking FEATURE.

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23. Fucking Subway. They knew about Jared Fucking Fogle’s kid-diddling predilections for YEARS and sat on them. Meanwhile, on their website, actual children played the (since removed) “Jared’s Pants” game, which was already creepy as hell. Especially considering that he was probably using his “foundation” not to promote healthy eating, as intended, but to lure underage girls into the spider’s web…all while disbursing next to NO actual money for charitable purposes. Dear Gods, there goes my appetite.

24. Jonathan Fucking Saenz. Anti-LGBT fanaticism just doesn’t get any meaner, pettier, uglier or more hyperbolic. Yeah, I can’t imagine why your wife left you for another woman, dude. Nice to see you’re not a bit bitter about it, either.

25. Josh Fucking Duggar. The more I hear about how his Quiverfull cult-family is “handling” his many and varied perversions, the more convinced I am that they are nothing more than enablers and abettors of it all. Because not only is his “rehab” program a sham, it’s actually a cover-up program…for high-profile bible-thumping cultists caught with their pants down. And the molesters are actually running that show, so it’s hardly surprising that it does nothing to actually rehabilitate anyone. Let’s hope it does nothing to rehabilitate their public image, either.

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And finally, to all the whiny fucking Red Pillocks who claim that the reason there were so few women on Ashley Madison is because all we have to do to cheat is “merely exist”. WRONG. There are fewer women on there because the site was aimed quite specifically at men, and its ads reflect its misogynist bias, as do its settings. And also because fewer women are actually inclined to cheat in the first place. Why is that, you ask? Because (duh), we are not taught to view men as our servitors or our sexual playthings. And we don’t have a madonna/whore complex when it comes to the menfolks, either. The opposite, in short, of how things are for the poor, beleaguered, self-centred idiots who signed up for that fucking site in the fist place. They may not have gotten any nookie out of it, but they sure as hell got what they had coming. And if they couldn’t see it coming, they have no one but themselves to blame. The whole FOMO about how “life is short” and one should therefore “have an affair” is kind of ridiculous when you consider how few people are actually doing so.
Good night, and get fucked*!
*or don’t, as the case may be. Ha, ha.

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Wankers of the Week: Lying Pieces of Shit

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, the wankapedia is back. Why? So much fucking wank, why else? So, with no further ado, and in no particular order, this week we have:

1 and 2. Nia and Sam Fucking Rader. So, God staged a pregnancy AND a miscarriage, all inside of one week? A pregnancy so early that it couldn’t possibly have a heartbeat, “had a heartbeat”? (And Sam, who’s presumably a nurse, didn’t know that human embryos don’t have heartbeats before the sixth week post-conception, at the earliest? Back to nursing school with you, and this time pay attention in embryology, dude!) And God faked it all in order to get subscribers to a shitty YouTube channel by two not-so-good-looking morons with a sappy religious message to push? Oh wait, no, God doesn’t work that way. Only lying humans do. And Karma is about to bite these two awfully hard in the wallet. PS: Oh, and Sam? God hasn’t forgiven you yet. Have you forgotten that She has internet access?

3. Ben Fucking Schoen. No, Hitler did not invent feminism, he was very much against it. (He also didn’t have any good ideas; ask any German how they REALLY feel about the Autobahn and all the wild-eyed freaks they have to dodge on it.) And no, you did not do more for women’s rights than anyone. You hardly did a thing, and what you did do, was pretty much cancelled out by the fact that you went ballistic on not just one, but several young women who didn’t want to get involved with you. And who can blame them? Dude, you need help. Or a Fleshlight. Oh hell, why not both? Just leave the girls in peace, already.

4. Jared Fucking Fogle. Not only does he think middle-school girls are hot, it seems that he has actually paid to rape a number of them. AND he’s as guilty of kiddie porn possession as the dude from his charitable foundation who had the stuff on his office computer. Also, Subway footlongs are…drumroll please…LESS than a foot long. Yup, been a bad week for sammitches and the grinning shits who claim they’re diet food. PS: Oh, holy SHIT! How many years has he been getting away with sexual abuse of children? And how many do you suppose he’s done it to in all that time? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…nope, make that I know I did. A LOT.

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5. Josh Fucking Duggar. Not only is he a sister-molester, he’s also a would-be marriage cheat. Fortunately for his long-suffering wife, he signed on with Ashley Madison…which, as everyone knows, has virtually no real women on the membership roster. Unfortunately for said wife, we don’t yet know where else he’s been trolling for bored ladies. (Who, I’m sure, would be even MORE bored if they had to spend a night with him at the No-Tell Mo-Tel.) PS: Oh look, he can’t even keep his apology straight…or take full responsibility. Really, Josh — blaming SATAN? And deleting all mention of the porn which no doubt fed your actions? Just be fucking accountable for what you did, already. PS: Oh Anna, NO. Tell your mother-in-law to STFU, just this once! And get a divorce lawyer. You’re gonna need one sooner than you think. PPS: AHAHAHAHA!

6. Owen Fucking Labrie. Newsflash, junior: No girl ASKS to be raped, and least of all as part of an “unofficial tradition” in which guys compete to see who can fuck the most younger (and probably underage) girls. Know how I know? Because nobody wants to be a fucking object, duh. Much less just another orifice to be used and abused. PS: Ugh, how horrid.

7 and 8. Jim Bob and Michelle Fucking Duggar. Yup, not only is their oldest son a royal fuckup (again!) this week, but so are these two fuckups who we wish had never fucked (let alone enough times to produce nearly two dozen even more fucked-up kids). Scrambling for cash since their show was cancelled, the Quiverfullers are now pitching a “new” show to TLC, starring (of course) themselves, this time as “Christian sexual abuse counsellors”! I shudder to think what kind of “counselling” will be on offer, and fear that it will, literally, be a how-to guide for dudes looking to sexually abuse dudettes in the name of Jesus. Or a slut-shaming/victim-blaming guide. Same thing, really.

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9. Donald Fucking Trump. No, you are not the goddamn Batman. You are the goddamn Donald. You’re a cranky old coot with a fourth-grade vocabulary and a third-rate mind who shouldn’t be running a popsicle stand, much less a real-estate conglomerate…and certainly not for public office. Now siddown and shuddup. PS: No, really. Shut. The FUCK. UP.

10. Vicki Fucking Pate. How better to make clear that black lives don’t matter than to go after a Black Lives Matter activist, claiming that he’s “really” white, and therefore a liar whose activism is to be doubted forevermore, along with the rest of that entire movement? Never mind the fact that he’s really biracial, and therefore, the liar is you. And the idiots at Bitefart, too, who believed your racist lie and ran with it.

11. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because you just KNOW that someone had to have okayed those “Nice hair, Justin” attack ads, and everyone knows Harpo’s a total control freak. Nobody in the Conservative party farts without his express permission. And everyone also knows how much Aqua Net goes into that cast-iron helmet of his every fucking day.

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12. Mark Fucking Gremaud. Nice to know that male politicians are only good for one thing: Making lewd remarks designed to put female colleagues in what these lowlives think is “their place”. Nicer still to know that the Internet makes due note of everything, and never forgets. (See #1.)

13. Gene Fucking Simmons. Somehow, I’m not surprised to learn that he’s under investigation for a download of kiddie porn at his house. The only thing that does surprise me is that anyone is taking his “I didn’t do it” seriously. Everybody knows that this “man” (and I use the term loosely) will stick his dick into anything female that catches his eye, and that he likes ’em awfully young.

14. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. No, Debbie, you know who’s a fucking cancer? You are. And so are all your little ass-barnacles who rejoiced to hear that Jimmy Carter is ill. And there’s not enough chemo in the world to turn you into anything which is not malignant.

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15. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Oh, teh poor widdle menz, they can’t get no more respects! “Respects”, in this case, meaning the right to claim entire army corps as girl-cootie-free zones. The world is going to hell in a handbasket! Well, Andi, I suggest you rectify this situation by quitting your day job (you’re no damn good at it anyway), tearing up your high-school diploma, college degree (from a diploma mill, no doubt), driver’s licence and voter registration, and doing what you so tastefully called the “horizontal hula” with your hubby, and then making him nothing but fucking sammitches all day. Then teh menz will be properly respected once more.

16. Gilles Fucking Guibord. Who? Oh, just another shitty, racist Conservative who says all kinds of shitty, racist Conservative things. And who is now no longer the shitty, racist Conservative candidate for a certain riding in Montréal. Oh, and guess what? He’s an ex-Péquiste, too. Double-shitty, racist, etc.!

17. Ted Fucking Cruz. So, is anyone besides me marvelling at the irony-meter-destroying chutzpah of an immigrant not only thinking he gets to run for president of the US, but also on a platform of pressing undocumented immigrants (because nobody is illegal, stupidfuck) into SLAVERY? I guess we shouldn’t be too shocked, though; after all, ol’ Ted is descended from slave-driving gusano stock that got run out of Cuba by the Brothers Castro and their anti-slavery brigades. He’s just getting nostalgic for the Bad Old Days!

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18. John Fucking McCain. And speaking of Bad Old Days, what is this nasty coot doing still alive? Jeez, John, just retire and tell the undocumented Mexicans you hired to mow your lawn to get off it, already. (They’re also more native to Arizona than you are.)

19. Rick Fucking Wilson. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. You actually made me feel sorry for the fucking Coultergeist. And it’s a cold day in Hades that I would ever feel anything other than pure, undiluted contempt for her. You haven’t just sunk to her level of class, though — you’ve scraped through the bottom of the barrel and are now well on your way to China. Feel proud!

20. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Yes, I realize that this wank happened more than a week ago. I just thought that you might like to see how well a famously horrid (and unwashed) pickup artist’s “seduction” techniques, as demonstrated on his paltry four-country “world tour”, really work. I’m guessing Roosh left that bar smelling better than he did going in. Also note the lovely bit towards the end, where Roosh doesn’t find his ‘nads until he’s behind a closed door — and only then does he finally let his fingers do the talking. Funnily, though, when invited to perform cunnilingus, Roosh actually chickens out! PS: Roosh also didn’t do so well in Toronto, although he seemed to think his paltry takings from a “workshop” (in a cheap motel in Mississauga, which is not Toronto proper, and hardly the Royal York) were still worth bragging about. Well, yeah, if he couch-surfed here as he did in Ukraine, I guess he may have actually broken even. For a perennial loser, that is quite the victory.

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And finally, to Earl Fucking Cowan. Yes, that’s right, AngryCon, the man who called the media “lying pieces of shit” for reporting what’s really going on behind closed Senate doors. Since none of it is flattering to his thin-skinned role model, Stephen Fucking Harper, of course he’s mad. And reacting the exact way Harpo would react if he were less of a shitweasel himself. And when asked by the media — oh sorry, “lying pieces of shit” to confirm whether or not he’s the Old Yeller, of course he tried to hijack the discourse with a statement not to be criticized or commented upon, which the Toronto Star refused to publish. And when that attempt predictably failed, guess what he called them? Yup, more of the same. Congrats, Earl, you’re just like Harpo. Right down to the evasiveness. And the tetchiness. And oh yes, the nasty.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Ebola on a Plane!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians. And a crappy Indigenous People’s Day, too. Not flying? Good, because the last thing you want is to be stuck in a plane with someone with Ebola fever. Or even some cranky jokester who only claims he has it. (Dude is lucky that no air marshals shot him, if you ask me.) And here are some other people that I wouldn’t want to be on a plane with:

1. Brian Fucking Hamilton. When you pull someone over during a traffic stop, you’re supposed to be policing their driving, not their religion. And you’re supposed to read them their rights, not wave church pamphlets under their noses. If you can’t do the job you were hired to do, then lose the badge and let someone else do it.

2. Jordan Fucking Owen. Everything’s a conspiracy, even totally normal English language constructions! They’re hipmatism! HIPMATISM, I tellz ya! Dude, why can’t you just admit that you got nothin’ on Anita Sarkeesian, and cut your damn losses already? It would cost you a buttload less effort than you’re currently expending on trying (and failing) to prove that she’s some kind of sinister manipulator.

3. Davis Fucking Aurini. Meanwhile, #2’s partner in conspiracy kookery has decided that all women are truly bitches. Fickle, flitting bitches. Who clearly don’t recognize a good thing when they see it. Except that we totally do, and we just don’t see it in HIM, because he fairly exudes slimy douchitude. And that sort of thing just makes us all want to flit the hell away.

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4. Satya Fucking Nadella. Women in tech, listen to your guru: Lean out! Don’t ask for raises. Don’t ask for any kind of recognition of your talents and contributions at all. Go home, go back to your kitchen, and make somebody a sandwich. And if it’s this guy, don’t forget to take your chocolate Ex-Lax and be sure to spread the resulting “Nutella” carefully on the bread. PS: Or you could just sign this.

5. Hank Fucking Greenberg. Basically, what Jon Stewart said. Fuck you, and fuck the $184 billion bailout you rode in on.

6. John Fucking Hembling. Oh, oh. What have we here? A drama llama pooping on the living room carpet? Infighting at A Voice For Mangry Morons? Sure smells like it. And suddenly, just like that, John the Bother is out of the He-Man Woman Haters’ Club treehouse. Ha, ha.

7. Chaim Fucking Weiss. If you wonder why nobody likes Israel anymore, just look at what kind of supporters they have. This one decided to disrupt midnight prayers at the local mosque with loud music. In the name of Israel, of course. And now he’s a convicted crook. Shabbat Shalom, you little shit.

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8. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yup, it’s been a banner week for pickup assholes, as evidenced by the oh-so-witty dude who calls himself, laughably, “Heartiste” (FARTiste, more like it). His latest conversational gambit? When rejected by a woman, insult her in true seventh-grade fashion and feign elaborate disinterest. And, bonus: When mocked by your male betters, call them panty-sniffers. In short, project like mad. Because really, what IS a PUA if not a constant (and usually futile) seeker of ladies’ underwear as trophies?

9. Eron Fucking Gjoni. Hey! Remember that dude who sicked the howling hellhounds of 4chan on his ex-girlfriend for having the temerity to dump his ass? Well, he’s still at it. And he’s still bitter. And still not shutting up about it. He’s even gotten a bunch of his idiot supporters to crowdfund his legal fees. (Or tried to; it got taken down.) And now she’s taken out a restraining order against him, one that includes a gag clause. But is he shutting up, like any sensible person ought to? Well, in a one-word tweet, straight from the horse’s ass: “Nah”. If that’s not proof of an orchestrated harassment campaign, I don’t know what is.

10. Morgan Fucking Brittany. Hey! Remember whatsername from that old nighttime soap, Dallas? No? Thought not. Well, you’ll be happy to know that she’s still just as irrelevant as ever, and is now a right-wing dreck-scribbler. But I repeat myself.

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11. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, Hucky Fudd, please do take your ball and go home. It’s not as though you’re still relevant anyhow. Not even in the Repugnican party, which is, God knows, totally irrelevant as it is.

12. Doug Fucking Ford. Here’s a pro tip, Dougie (not that you’d ever take it, but hey): When tempted to generalize about other people, of whatever religion, color or ethnicity, DON’T. Just DON’T. (And don’t try to make it out to be “respect”, either.)

13. Paul Fucking Callan. If you think that police brutality in the US doesn’t have a racist component, you have to be living under a pretty large rock. Or a pretty damn large plastic bubble. Do yourself a favor and come out from under. Admitting the nature of the problem is the first step toward actually addressing it.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, the RoFoDoFoShitShow is still on, and Tweedledee is not Frod Nation’s only wanker this week. Even though largely out of commission, Robbo has still managed to pull off a conflict of interest. One devoutly wishes these guys would go back to the business sector, where they clearly belong, and leave governing to those who can actually do the damn job, already.

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15. Mitt Fucking Romney. It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Mittens, but I’m sure you’re glad to know that HE is still wanking, too. And that he actually commited voter fraud — you know, that same thing the Repugs have been oh-so-concerned about since, oh, at least the Great Florida Election Theft of 2000?

16. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Might as well treat them as a single unit, since that’s how they act, eh? And this week, they had the temerity to try to dictate how members of the media — specifically, Rachel Maddow, who doesn’t take marching orders from anyone — are to report on their (mis)deeds. And yes, it went about as well as you’d expect it to. Which is to say, NOT AT ALL. Ha, ha.

17. Bill Fucking Maher. Kudos to Ben Affleck for handing him his ass over his (and his guests’) Islamophobia. And oh yeah, Bill? You’re also full of shit about the “dictating what you can write or draw” bit. I’ve known this for at least eight years. When are YOU gonna learn?

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18. Scott Fucking Walker. Yes, it’s been a while since I last listed Little Scotty Wanker. But since he decided to oblige me this week by insisting that you can live on $7.25 an hour, I figured that the very least I could do is oblige him right back.

19. Stephen Fucking Collins. He’s not a wholesome family-man type; he just plays one on TV. Correction: PLAYED. And now that image is forever a thing of the past, because it turns out this wholesome family-man type is, in fact, Chester the Child Molester.

20. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Holy fucking shit, is she ever racist. And delusional. And seriously, desperately in need of a good retirement.

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And finally, to the Fucking Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Apparently, branding everything pink “for the cure” is so much more important than, you know, actually FINDING the cure. Or, for that matter, preventing breast cancer, which is very preventable. And one surefire means of prevention? NOT DRINKING WATER CONTAMINATED WITH FRACKING CHEMICALS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Yes, that’s right: Komen is teaming up with water-polluting, cancer-causing frackers. “For the cure”. With drill bits covered in pink paint, which also isn’t good for the environment, or breast tissue. How the hell that is supposed to help get us any nearer a cure, I do not know. But it sure puts everyone a whole lot closer to getting cancer themselves. As I so often say: Fracking isn’t a euphemism; it’s an obscenity.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Hong Kong Phooey

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to the people of Hong Kong, who are clamoring for democracy for the first time in their collective history. Hope you folks get it, as both imperialism and (so-called) communism haven’t exactly done the job for you. I still remember how your brothers and sisters on the mainland tried in Tiananmen Square, a quarter of a century ago. Better luck this time, eh? And no luck at all to the following, who are definitely the authors of their own misfortune:

1. Camille Fucking Paglia. Hooray, the contrarian antifeminist idiotess has squawked up again. This time, it’s a mangled mess of stranger-danger clichés and slut-shaming arglebargle. If you go out into the woods, beware of the red glowing eyes…of wild Stoopid.

2. Vinny Fucking Minchillo. Yes, dear, we all know that Repugs are people. The problem is, they are deeply, darkly prejudiced and stupid people. A PR campaign won’t help them with that.

3. Steven Fucking Rhodes. If Detroit’s people have no right to water, then neither do you. Somebody, come quick and cut the judge’s pipes so he finally understands the enormity of the issue he just ruled on.

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4. Vinod Fucking Khosla. You know you’re way deep in the wrong when you force no less than the governor of California himself to come down and open the beach you’ve tried to close. Dude, you are not invincible. You cannot command the tides. Even King Knut couldn’t do that.

5. Terry Fucking Mahan. Oh, Florida Man! Oh, Florida Cop! What would a wank-list be without you and your endless paranoid stupidity?

6. Bob Fucking Zimmerman. And speaking of Florida Man, Florida (wannabe) Cop, and paranoid stupidity, how about Georgie-Porgie’s dad? Georgie’s now so fucking stupidly paranoid that he’s probably gonna go down shooting cops. And all because people won’t forget that he got away with murder the night he shot some innocent black kid for coming home from the convenience store with a can of tea and a bag of Skittles…

7 and 8. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Surprise! The Kochtopus has many tentacles. But it also has thin skin, and a lot of gas trapped inside it. Would sure be a shame if someone pricked it with a pin, eh? PS: Ha, ha.

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9. Jessa Fucking Duggar. Evolution caused the Holocaust! Abortion is just like the Holocaust, too! Figures that a Duggar would have such an unoriginal, idiotic “epiphany” at the Holocaust Museum, while blatantly ignoring the fact that it wasn’t “evolution”, it was CHRISTIAN ANTISEMITISM that’s really responsible. If you ever doubted that Quiverfull homeschooling makes you stupid, doubt no more. Because this “epiphany” is in fact one of their key dim-witted tenets. As is the one about the “Great Flood” causing fossils…again, WRONG. You don’t get hundreds of millions of years’ worth of evolutionary record in one forty-day fucking flood.

10. Kevin Fucking Williamson. And speaking of abortion, holocausts and Teh Stoopid: How about the National Review’s resident monster? He would rather see women hang for aborting a pregnancy than be allowed to go on living, let alone a normal life, possibly going on to have children later, or raising those they have already. He doesn’t care how many lives are destroyed or ruined, as long as women get punished for opposing “God’s will”! I guess this whole “sanctity of life” thing only applies to fetuses, eh?

11. John Fucking Devine. Since when is it the churches’ job to dictate to the state how to make laws? Since, oh, about NEVER. But thanks for reminding us yet again what a menace to society you right-wing theocrats all are.

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12. Alykhan Fucking Velshi. Why couldn’t Paul Calandra give a coherent answer to Thomas Mulcair’s questions last week in the House of Commons? Oh, maybe because Israel’s hasbara stooge on the Hill was feeding him a line of pro-Israel bullshit to spout as a distraction from Harpo’s plans to follow Dubya straight into disaster. Or maybe it’s because little Aly, like our next wanker, is an “Ethical Oil” booster with a right-wing agenda to tout. One question that I’m sure none of them can answer is this, though: WHY THE HELL IS ISIL NOT MENACING ISRAEL INSTEAD OF IRAQ AND SYRIA??? One would think that if they wanted a REAL Islamic Caliphate, Jerusalem would be the natural first stop, no?

13. Ezra Fucking Levant. How convenient that his media mouthpiece has apologized for him to the Trudeau family. Now the Putz won’t have to!

14. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Oh, now he’s trying to play the “Jews killed Jesus” bit off as a joke! Except, ha ha, the joke’s on him. That line is exactly what right-wing Christians of every stripe believe. And also too — it’s not fucking funny in the least.

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15. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh, da poor widdle baybee. He actually has to wipe his own ass and clean boogers out of his nose just to be minimally unrepulsive to those (undoubtedly very beleaguered and hunted-looking) women he’s trying to pick up. No, I am NOT shitting you. Men who expect women to like their stinky skidmarks are an actual thing in the wankosphere!

16. George W. Fucking Bush. Sounds like Dubya’s miffed that His Barackness hasn’t called him on the fine art of War Preznitting. Awww, sniff, too bad!

17. Larry Fucking Craig. It seems like forever since he last took that wide stance. And yet, it hasn’t been nearly long enough. Pretty sure that campaign funds were NOT meant to cover one’s legal costs for being a bathroom butthead.

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18. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Throwing a rapey-ass spit-fit at the dentist’s? Either this is some kind of new low for this chronic cokehead, or it’s a whole new kind of Winning™.

19. Christopher Fucking Noone. And speaking of whole new kinds of…something, how about the Sovereign Shittizens? They’re now getting so desperate in their reach for legalistic evasions that they’re even claiming never to have been born!

20. Leung Fucking Chai-yan. Yeah, go ahead and tear down your Facebook page, “princess”. The Internets have long memories, just like the Chinese people. And just like the people of Hong Kong, who are not amused by your lack of taste when it comes to all the crap their tax money is helping your daddy to buy.

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And finally, to the Fucking Repugs of North Carolina. Yes, ALL of you. Because if you don’t want anyone being registered to vote, the real question is, WHY THE HELL DOES YOUR PARTY EVEN FUCKING EXIST? And if this is the best you can do to keep people from voting for anyone who isn’t wholly owned or subsidized by Big Fucking Bidness, you don’t deserve to be a party anymore. Or ever again. Considering what the people of Hong Kong are doing just to obtain democracy for the first time ever, doesn’t it embarrass you even a wee bit to have something in common with the shitty totalitarian capitalist oligarchs ruling that island?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Emmagate?

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, looks like the 4chan has hit the fan again. This time, though, the hoax is on them: it looks like the “Emma You’re Next” site is just a “viral” PR scam. And the “company” responsible doesn’t even exist. But how totally typical, eh? Threaten a bright young woman with something bogus, then pretend you’re really after those who would do such a shitty thing. Wouldn’t surprise me if “Rantic” was just a product of 4chan itself. It has that general odor of things pulled from an arse. And so do the following, in no particular order:

1. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Not only is she dumber than dog droppings, she also can’t see very well. Giving Phyllis Fucking Schlafly credit for ending the Cold War is WTF enough on its own, but saying she’s “personally brilliant” and “physically gorgeous”? If Ol’ Phyl was ever pretty, it was obviously long before my time; she’s had that dowdy, sprayed-down roller-set for as long as I’ve seen her crabby face. Which is TOO long. Time to drag this one to the eye doctor.

2. Todd Fucking Gibson. When will pervy teachers ever learn that just because the objects of their unwanted attention are teenage girls, it doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to screenshot a dickpic on Snapchat? Dumb, dumb, pervy teachers!

3. Grace Ann Fucking Whatever. Yeah, I know, that’s probably NOT her real name. I know I wouldn’t attach mine to a bad, religiously-motivated rewrite of Harry Potter, either. Especially since J.K. Rowling’s lawyer is not apt to be amused.

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4. Ezra Fucking Levant. After insulting the entire Trudeau clan (including the late right honorable PM, who can’t defend himself) over a very innocent wedding photo session with Justin Trudeau (to which he was invited by the bridal party), suddenly the putz is left with egg on his face. I can hardly wait for the abject apology…but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.

5. Bill Fucking Frezza. When frat boys deliberately ply female party guests with booze to get them leglessly drunk (and consentlessly into bed), the problem isn’t the drunk girls. The problem is FRATS. Why the hell do they even exist? And why did Forbes have a staff writer whose job, it seems, consisted largely of defending them (and even PROMOTING their misuse of alcohol)?

6. Kira Fucking Kazantsev. And while we’re on the subject of “Why the hell do frats even exist?”: WTF is up with Miss America? And shouldn’t her sketchy sorority history have been a huge red flag for pageant organizers? And also…why the hell do beauty pageants still exist?

7. Arya Fucking Toufanian. Well, looks like the rapey dirtbag who gave us “I’m Shmacked”…is sacked. Ha, ha.

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8. George Fucking Brown. Bad enough that cops rape people. But telling the victims to “follow the law”? Um, shouldn’t it be the COPS? After all, the law says “don’t rape”…

9. Alisha Fucking Hessler. Yeah, surprise: “Jasmine Tridevil”, the three-breasted woman who got that extra boob because she wanted to be less attractive to men, is a fake. Turns out, she’s a fameball who was hoping to get a TV reality show. Well, now she’s been on reality TV…it’s called JOURNALISM. And she’s famous for all the wrong reasons, too!

10. Kathryn Fucking Knott. So, the police chief’s daughter who assaulted a gay couple turns out to be a raving homophobe whose tweets and texts are full of, well, raving homophobia. Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds?

11. Daniel Fucking Hammer. Surprise! Voyeurism isn’t just a harmless sexual fetish after all. It’s the precursor to something all too predictable. Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds?

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12. Sam Fucking Pepper. Pro tip: A prank is something so funny that it makes even the target laugh. What you’re doing isn’t funny, because it makes nobody laugh. That’s why we call it ASSAULT, duh. (Also, UGH, THOSE DOUCHEY CLOTHES!) PS: It gets worse. PPS: MUCH worse.

13. Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Atchoo! Is someone allergic to kids actually exercising their right to free speech? Sure sounds like it. Gesundheit, Gretchen…and please, wipe your nose. All that dripping snot does not a pretty picture make.

14. Joseph Fucking Sciambra. And don’t forget to shout “Bless you!” every time you see a devil fly out a gay guy’s arse, either.

15. Doug Fucking Lamborn. Calling on all the generals to resign is treason, is it not? And yet, that’s exactly what this Repug is doing. And so are others. Can you imagine what they’d have said if Dubya was president and the Dems tried to do this? In any event, so far no generals have taken him up on this. Nobody wants to give up their career for a fuckin’ idiot, I guess.

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16. Thomas Fucking Jackson. Oh, NOW he apologizes for the murder of Mike Brown? Too little, too late, too fuckin’ bad. PS: This isn’t exactly helping, either.

17. Vinod Fucking Khosla. He still doesn’t understand what “public access” means? Well, maybe a judicial ruling will finally get him to flip open a dictionary. Ha, ha.

18. Doug Fucking Ford. While I’m not unhappy to see him and John Fucking Tory at each other’s throats, I do think it’s funny to see one rich guy attack another onaccounta he’s rich. Dougie is not exactly a man of the people, no matter how hard he tries to paint himself as such. You want someone who’s the genuine article? Vote for Olivia Chow, who has actually dealt with poverty herself.

19. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Hey, FUX Snoozettes: Stop punching yourselves in the face. Because that’s what you’re doing every time you stick up for the poor, oppressed fratboys who just can’t help setting girls drunk and slipping roofies in their drinks so they can get laid without asking. Idiots.

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20. Sarah Fucking Palin. And speaking of oppressed people who ain’t, how about the Paliness and her fellow “Christian” stoopids? When you can’t even remember the address of the White House (1400 Pennsylvania Avenue is a hotel, idiot), it’s time to put down the “truthy” bible and start picking up a book that deals in actual facts.

21. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. White guys can’t sue? WTF? White guys sue more than anybody else. And no, working women don’t have an advantage — they’re being paid 70 cents on a man’s dollar, meaning they can’t fucking afford a lawyer.

22 and 23. Tyler and Alexandra Fucking Craddock. Put a turban on him and a burqa on her, and you wouldn’t be able to tell these ammosexual idiots apart from the Taliban. An irony which, I’m sure, escapes them altogether.

24. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh surprise! Harpo was a no-show at the climate-change summit. And climate change was a no-show when he addressed the United Nations. And so were most of the member countries’ delegates, too.

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25 and 26. Greg Fucking Gutfeld and Eric Fucking Bolling. So, Major Mariam al-Mansouri can bomb ISIL, but can she park a plane? Haw haw haw. Boobs on the ground! Haw haw haw. And meanwhile, if you want to know what “boobs on the air” look like, look no further than these two entirely typical FUX Snooze halfwits, who can’t think of anything but a woman fighter pilot’s gazongas, for fuck’s sake.

27. David Fucking Dewhurst. The Mexicans are coming! The Muslims are coming! The Muslims are Mexican! Um…WHAT? Um…NO.

28. Wilson Fucking Robertson. Ah yes, Florida Man! Who else is a bigger bigot, or a wussier wimp, or a more superstitious lump of stoopid, than a Florida county commissioner who walks out because he can’t bear to hear a pagan give the opening prayer at the city council session?

29 and 30. The Fucking Benham Twins. Yes, you are exactly like ISIL victims. No heads, and therefore not a living brain cell between the both of you. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker.

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And finally, to the Fucking FBI. Who else, besides wankers on 4chan and Reddit, thinks it’s a BAD idea for Google and Apple to give their users the privacy and security they demand? Holy shit, people, we really can’t tell the cops from the robbers anymore.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Sorry, Scotland.

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to all the good folks in Scotland, who didn’t get independence after a nail-biting down-to-the-wire vote. Mang, that was rough. And with such high turnout, too. Better luck next time, I hope. Meanwhile, for truly hopeless people who don’t deserve another chance, this week we have, in no particular order:

1. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. “No sometimes means yes”, says the Pigman. Also, he says seduction was once an “art” that got lost when consent entered the picture. An art he clearly knows a great deal about, what with this three failed marriages (Marital Failure #4 still pending) and the fact that his favorite song is “Under My Thumb”, an unambiguous paean to sexist oppression. Oh yeah, and his amaaaaaazing body and full head of hair, too.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. “Blurred Lines”? Huh. More like “Slurred Whines”, amirite? But hey. This is Robin Fucking Thicke we’re talking about. A man who will literally say anything that he thinks will cover his sorry ass. And who just ends up hanging said ass further and further out there for the world to see…and point…and laugh at…and kick…

3. Gina Fucking Miller. I’m sorry, who? Oh. Another right-wing nutteress who took time out from her busy schedule (bashing gays, etc.) to piss on other women for a change. Specifically, all those slutty slut-sluts who refuse to dress like church ladies, and therefore have it coming to them from the likes of Wankers #1 and #2.

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4. Sylvia Fucking Thompson. I’m sorry, who? Oh. Another contrarian idiotess who thinks Ray Fucking Rice is the real victim of his own fist smashing his then-fiancée’s face. And that it was really him being dragged caveman-courtship-style out of that elevator too, no doubt.

5. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh, oh. What have we here? Randy Bachman doesn’t want Harpo using his song because it’s a total misrepresentation, and because the Cons have done nothing for musicians, only fucked them over? Let it roll down the highway…and b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-nothin’ yet!

6. Track Fucking Palin. As more and more details of Screech & Co.’s famous family brawl emerge, it turns out that the eldest of Screech and Tawd’s delinquent brood is the instigator. And that he instigated with a crude come-on directed at a couple of married women. Keep it classy, creep. PS: Special dishonorable mention to Mama Grisly herself for actually being proud of her stupid sprogs. Hey Screech, no one cares how good you dumbfucks are at brawling. Get a fucking life!

7. Jim Fucking Bakker. Yup, that’s right! Tammy Faye’s ex, he of the air-conditioned doghouses and the rape of his church secretary, is ba-ack…and selling “survivalist” kits to the gullible right-wing loons out there. Nice to know he hasn’t changed a bit since his glory days of PTL Club chicanery!

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8. David Fucking Manning. If he’s not in the closet, I’m a monkey’s aunt. He spends more time obsessing about gay people’s butts than they themselves do! Dave, come on out already. We have cookies!

9 and 10. Jordan Fucking Owen and Davis Fucking Aurini. Oh, surprise! Anita Sarkeesian was telling the truth about the death threats she received for doing nothing more than criticizing lazy, sexist tropes in video games. And now these two would-be documentarians, who so fondly dreamed of “exposing her lies”, are left with no legs to stand on, metaphorically speaking. Reality blew their pins out from under them. But that’s okay, they’ve still got stumps! And so ever onward they shuffle, trailing ribbons of metaphorical blood, declaring that they still have proof that their lies were true! You just can’t help but admire such dogged determination to make asses of themselves. When you’re not too busy snickering, that is.

11. John Fucking Tory. Nice to see that the guy who’s jockeying to replace Robbo in Frod Nation is just as open-minded as Robbo about queerfolks who dare to have an actually progressive opinion on Palestine. And nice to see that he’s willing to hold Pride hostage in order to silence QUAIA, too.

12. Michael Fucking Gayer. Why?

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That’s why. When your “war zone” is so placid that it might as well be a dead zone, you’re living in the fucking Twilight Zone.

13. Scott Fucking Lively. No, gay people are not trying to have you murdered. Actually, it’s the other way ’round. You’re the guy who backed all those “Kill the Queers” laws in Africa, remember? And the reason you’re not publishing your travel schedule ahead of time…well…it couldn’t have anything to do with being met by protesters wherever you go, now, could it?

14. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Awwww. Look who’s being forced to give up his tanks and assault weapons, due to incompetence. Those grapes sure are sour, aren’t they?

15. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Oh look, the world’s worst cattle rancher is blaming the state for his own stupid selfishness. He has no business even grazing his herds on public land, but that hasn’t put a dent in his chutzpah! He’s now planning to sue the woman who ran into one of his marauding cows after it got onto the public road. All hat, and nothing but dung inside the head…

16. Doug Fucking Ford. Robbo’s older (and even shadier) brother may have volunteered to take his place on the campaign trail with strange alacrity, but even stranger is the fact that he’s being taken seriously as a candidate when he was frankly shit-awful as a mere city council member. Time to end Frod Nation!

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17. James Fucking Wiedmann. Oh look, the Fartiste has just off-gassed again. And this time, it’s quite possibly the worst relationship advice ever, even from that notoriously faily little turd…all about on how to abuse your way into a woman’s heart. Little does he realize that the behaviors he’s claiming are foolproof, are actually foolproof ways to lose a woman for good!

18. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. From the Great One of the Edmonton Oilers, to gambling scandals and legendarily vapid idiot offspring, to this. Now he thinks Harpo is “one of the greatest prime ministers ever”? Well, now we know he wasn’t paying attention in social-studies class at school. Either that, or he took too many hits to the head.

19. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Yeah, look who’s talking about integrity. The world’s richest privacy invader and idea-stealer. That muffled ptmpf you just heard was my irony detector imploding. It tends to do that everytime Fuckerberg opens his mouth.

20. Clay Fucking Aiken. Vapid contestant from vapid game show airs vapid ideas about hacking victims deserving what they get. Gee, whatever will he say if someone digs up some embarrassing dirt on him, eh?

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And finally, to the Fucking Texas Court of Appeals. Wow, talk about a boner! They actually consider upskirt creepshots to be “free speech”, and the privacy rights of women and children to be Orwellian thoughtcrimes. And even more gobsmackingly, they came to this conclusion upon reviewing the case of a pedophile who took ooky shots of little kids at a public swimming pool. Don’t expect the Texas Legislature to do any better, though. Remember, it’s Texas, where everything’s big…including the fucking stoopid. It’s not Massachusetts, which smartly passed a new law one day after a similarly poor decision.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: The Fappening ain’t happening

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Crappy weekend, everyone! So, I guess you all heard about The Fappening, where all the wankers of Reddit gathered for a circle-jerk over the stolen photos (and the violated privacy) of a number of famous young women. Sadly for those wankers, charities are refusing to act as an instant purge for their slimy consciences, or profit off the misfortune of a group of high-profile hacking victims. And now they’ve been banned from Reddit, too! Awww, too bad! Guess throwing money at good causes doesn’t make everything all right, after all. And here are some other wankers who also couldn’t buy their way out of a wet paper bag:

1. Cee Lo Fucking Green. Yeah, that’s right, Mr. Fuck You — it is SO rape, even if she can’t remember a bit of it. Because if you drugged her to make it so, and she woke up not knowing how she got naked and landed up in your bed, yup, that’s rape too. And no, not all real victims remember. Who the hell do you think you are to try to define rape, anyway — Todd Fucking Akin?

2. Stephen Fucking Harper. If you’re going to build stupid-ass monuments to the “victims of communism”, there are two other things you should also do: (a) NOT steal land that was designated toward a judicial building named for Pierre Trudeau, who understood human rights far better than you ever will, and (b) don’t forget the victims of capitalism (and its handmaiden, fascism) — they are FAR more numerous than those of communism.

3. Vincent Fucking Rue. No, hating abortion does not mean you love life. And hating it with a passion doesn’t make you an expert in it, either. Much less one to be consulted regarding abortion law, in which you are not an expert either.

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4. John Fucking Rees. Freedom: clearly, a simple word. And a simple concept. And Florida Man — or in this case, Florida MAYOR — still doesn’t get it.

5. Rick Fucking Perry. Meanwhile, in Texas, Guvnor Crotch Goodhair has some ‘splainin’ to do. Don’t anyone hold your breath, though…he seems to prefer just sweeping the offending tweet under the rug.

6. John Fucking Lind. And because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one actual named and shamed bona-fide wanker, here you go. This one did it in the coffee of a coworker he had a crush on, hoping she would notice him. Yup, she did. And unfortunately for him, she noticed him with his hands at his crotch in front of her mug. And unfortunately for her, she also noticed that the coffee tasted…um…OFF.

7. Ricky Fucking Gervais. Proving, once more, that “free speech” is the last refuge of the obnoxious turd — bravo! Next time, instead of telling people to not be so easily offended, how’s about you just NOT GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO FUCKING OFFEND THEM? It’s hardly difficult to grasp that. Oh yeah, and that “collateral damage” bit? That’s an insult to innocent people killed in war, you jackass.

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8. Thomas Fucking Jackson. Surprise! The white police chief of mostly-black Ferguson lied about that surveillance tape. Which only shows Michael Brown buying a box of cigars, not stealing it. Why release it if it doesn’t show a crime in progress? At this point, I’d say the likeliest answer is BLACK GUY SOOOOOO SCARY, BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!

9 and 10. Ron Fucking Paul and Michele Fucking Bachmann. Let’s just kill two birds here and say that these two wingnut darlings are in a guano-load of trouble. Ha, ha.

11. Trevor Fucking Berger. Again with the police chiefs. And this one took time out from his busy schedule to bludgeon and decapitate a little boy’s pet chicken. Who are the thugs, again?

12. Robby Fucking Gallaty. Did your gaydar just go off? Because my gaydar just went off. Hooboy, did my gaydar EVER go off.

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13. Laurie Fucking Higgins. So, kids with gay parents should “take joy” in reading books that paint gay parents in a bad light? Well, by that token, then, I guess the public libraries should also start stocking books by Hitler and the Marquis de Sade. I mean, it’s only fair…right?

14. Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik. And speaking of Hitler, his little Norwegian fan decided to go the “democratic” route and start an antidemocratic political party from his jail cell. And he’s kvetching about “censorship” while forgetting who took it to its logical extreme. O irony…

15. Rob Fucking Ford. No, you will not be mayor of Toronto for 14 more years. With any luck, you won’t even get ONE more. Torontonians, vote with care!

16. Kenneth Eugene Fucking Harden. Um, you ARE aware that slavery is illegal, right? And that even if you manage to get a woman to sign herself over to you, it’s not legally binding because SLAVERY…right? Oops, I guess not. And now you’re behind bars. Hope you enjoy breaking rocks like a good little slave, bub.

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17. Charles Fucking Lane. Oh, look who forgot what Ike Eisenhower (that commie pinko rebel!) said in his farewell address. Guess this guy doesn’t care if those who get sent off to fight “terrorism” have a decent education BEFORE they go…or what happens to them after they come back in something other than a box. And has anyone ever stopped to consider that maybe “they” don’t hate your freedom, but your constant interference in their homes and lives? And that ISIL is, in fact, another fine product of said interference, anyway?

18. Willie Fucking Robertson. No, Nicholas Cage’s latest mistake won’t convert atheists…or us pagans, either. Especially since it’s a totally unnecessary remake of a twelve-year-old flop.

19. Phil Fucking Robertson. Meanwhile, Big Daddy Duck Dynasty is not only looking like one of the Taliban, he’s sounding more and more like one, too. All he needs is a turban, and he’ll be all set. PS: No, Jesus was NOT a homophobe. He said nothing about LGBTs at all.

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20. Robert Fucking Flynn. Surprise! That woman you tried to rape is a federal marshal. And I guess getting your balls kicked in by one of those must really hurt. Ha, ha.

21 and 22. Bob and Maureen Fucking McDonnell. How do you like your transvaginal ultrasounds now, you two corruptos? Ha, ha.

23. Charlie Fucking Shrem. Once more, with feeling, kiddies: BITCOIN IS SHITCOIN. And don’t you forget it!

24. Daniel Fucking Holtzclaw, AGAIN. Not only is he a racist rapist, he’s also a racist killer. Gee, don’t all you supporters of this creep feel stupid NOW?

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25. Brandon Fucking Amato. Surprise! Snapchat doesn’t let you get away with sexually harassing your under-age students. Especially when they’re inclined to tell on you. Who knew?

26. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. When even the squirrely Colorado Repugs don’t want you, you know you’re politically toast. Sucks to be you, John Jacob Jingleheimer!

27. Michael Fucking Elsbury. Another day in the USA, another racist cop saying something totally shitty. Well, at least this one had the decency to step down on his own, saving the public the time and expense of firing him.

28. Mark Fucking Sanford. You guys! Can you believe that this dude’s ex-wife (whom he left for the Other Woman — in ARGENTINA, no less) STILL refuses to cover his sorry ass with that story about the Appalachian Trail, and live a lie so that he can maybe one day run for president of the US? It’s shocking. Just shocking, I tell ya…oh, who am I kidding. Dude shat his own bed, now he can wallow in it. Bwahahahahasnurk.

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29. Julian Fucking Bharti. I don’t know what’s grosser: paying at an auction just to kiss some washed-up supermodel who’s not even interested in your gropey tongue, or paying eighty-one-thousand fucking dollars for the privilege.

30. Benny Fucking Johnson. Plagiarizing ex-Buzzfeeder falls up…straight into wingnut welfare heaven. And get this: The idiot rag that hired him…is the same he used to crib his crap from. Seems a perfect fit to me!

31. Robert Fucking Monteleone. Thank you, Mr. Personal Responsibility, for that lovely lecture on how women must shoulder the burden of ending rape culture themselves. When the hell are you going to get around to your brothers? What about teh menz, Rob? No, really — WHAT ABOUT TEH MENZ?

32. Jonathan Fucking Koppenhaver. Yeah, right, “not guilty”. I guess Christy Mack just beat and kicked the shit out of herself, didn’t she?

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33. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Hey Kevvy, the Jews just called. Said it wasn’t them who killed Jesus, it was the Romans. Crucifixion is a Roman execution method. Stoning is the biblical method of the Jews. Look it up, you irrelevant imbecile.

34. Gene Fucking Simmons. So, rock is dead? Well, we all know who killed it, and it wasn’t pirates. It was shitty old creeps who hit on every woman they meet at random, advocate suicide and the mass murder of Palestinians from behind a mask of hideous face paint.

35. John Fucking Nolte. Shed a tear, Joan Rivers is dead. Now who will call Michelle Obama something she isn’t? Well, I guess the entire idiotic, unfunny right-wing noise machine will just have to take up that particular bit of slack. And go right on blaming the “liberals” who supposedly run the entertainment industry, in defiance of the indisputable fact that some shit just isn’t funny, and that’s why those “jokes” keep bombing.

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And finally, to those whitey-white-whiter-than-white fucking schoolteachers of Staten Island, New York…who saw fit to wear t-shirts supporting their local police right after a rally against police brutality in the death of (black, unarmed) Eric Garner. This against the advice of their board of education, which has rules against things like that. Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’re totally not racist. You just have the world’s most atrocious fucking timing when it comes to rah-rah local cop-shop boosterism. And I’m sure the black kids in your classrooms, and their parents, understand completely.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: The Other Ice Bucket Challenge

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Have you all done the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise money for research into Lou Gehrig’s disease yet? No? Well, don’t worry. I may not have your hundred dollars, but I got your ice-cold showers right here, baby:

1. Rajesh Fucking Kumar. Welp, looks like what everyone was expecting to happen, did. The Menz Rightz “movement” has officially embraced and endorsed the “Alpha Male shit” sausage factory that is Jonathan Koppenhaver, a.k.a. War Machine, a.k.a. that washed-up MMA fighter who damn near killed Christy Mack. Women are now worse than Nazis, and men more persecuted than Jews. Also, the sky is green, the grass is blue, and bullshit is roses that don’t smell a bit like poo-poo.

2. Dean Fucking Esmay. Oh wait, hold the phone. The OTHER Abusers’ Lobby has officially attempted to distance itself from said Koppenhaver. Onaccounta no true Scotsman, or some such fallacy. Um, yeah.

3. Warren Fucking Kinsella. Memory holes: Not for Big Brother anymore. Ingsoc lives…among Liberal strategists, anyway. And boy, do I feel sorry for anyone who’d keep this one as theirs. Glad he’s not Olivia Chow’s problem anymore!

4. Megyn Fucking Kelly. FUX Snoozers can always be counted on to blather about “race-baiting”, whatever that’s supposed to mean (I suspect it’s wingnutspeak for “black people refusing to take racist shit”). But then they try to do it themselves…with a black preacher who’s not having any of their shit. Racist bait: NOT TAKEN.

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5. Christine Fucking Lagarde. Corruption? Qu’est-ce que c’est? The IMF does not engage in such things! Except of course it does. All major global financial institutions do. It’s just taken this long for Karma to catch up to it. And now Karma has. And of course, Karma’s a bitch.

6 and 7. Steve Fucking Doocy and Linda Fucking Chavez. Mike Brown wasn’t unarmed…he was armed with his…um…BRAWN! His brown brawn. Yeah, that’s it. And no, that’s totally NOT racist.

8. Pat Fucking Robertson. Cthulhu must be getting awfully hungry by now, with all the asinine things Patwa has said this week. But really…Robin Williams? He’s not around to defend himself from these ridiculous accusations. How Christian, to pick on a dead man. Jesus must be puking his guts out.

9. Des Fucking Hague. Thanks a lot for proving every bad thing we ever suspected about crapitalist CEOs to be absolutely true. Kicking puppies is pretty damn fucking low. Blaming the dog won’t help, either.

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10. Vicki Fucking McKenna. How ironic is it that one of the biggest right-wing cop-cheerleaders was once in an altercation with police herself — and it’s all a matter of public record? Hell, I can see that the anarchist in me has a lot of catching up to do when it comes to these fascist hypocrites…

11. Rob Fucking Schneider. No, you don’t have proof that the CDC did anything. Conspiracy websites are notorious for being short on hard evidence, remember?

12. Gary Fucking Busey. I don’t know if he’s just senile, or if he’s always been skeevy, but really: hitting on Courtney Stodden? Dude, ugh. Just UGH.

13. Kirk Fucking Cameron. Oh look, it’s that tired old War on Christmas trope yet again. Seems it comes earlier every year, and the only thing it ever proves is that smug devout religionists are nauseating.

14. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Why?

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That’s why. Pot, keep calling that kettle black.

15. Peter Fucking MacKay. Yeah, there goes our so-called justice minister, wanking his puny dick off again. This time by wearing a pro-gun-nut shirt, touting a push to legalize all semi-autos, at a Con fundraiser. I guess the Montréal Massacre hasn’t taught this stupid motherfucker a goddamn thing. You know what to do in the next election, folks: VOTE THE FUCKERS OUT.

16. Will Fucking Hayden. And in other ammosexual news, looks like this “Son of a Gun” has been charged with the rape of his own daughter. At age 11. Maybe his gun is not the only weapon he needs to have confiscated.

17. Pamela Fucking Geller. ISIS is a GODDESS, you IDIOTESS. ISIL, on the other hand, is a far more accurate term for the terrorist militia that the US and Israel both have got blowing back in their collective faces right now. But trust a shitblogger of the far right not to get that fine distinction.

18. Stephen Fucking Joel Fucking Trachtenberg. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how fucked-up it is that some people STILL don’t realize that rape isn’t caused by women drinking, it’s caused by men raping. And that this happens to women whether they’ve been drinking or not. But hey! Even if he doesn’t have the smarts or the grace to be embarrassed by his own stoopid, at least his successor is. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

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19. Susan Fucking Patton. Yes, that’s right, the idiotic Princeton Mom is in the news again. This time, for slamming an alumna’s sugar-baby film Kickstarter. Not that there’s nothing wrong with the whole sugar-daddy arrangement (there’s plenty; my thoughts on that and other related matters, in case you care, are here), but it’s kind of hypocritical, considering that Patton is a big booster of the whole “marry young, marry well” archaism that a lot of educated women, including Princeton alumnae, have outgrown long since.

20. Rob Fucking Ford. Not only is he bat guano, but he got a bunch of high school football players to roll in goose guano. Yeah, that’s right: slimy, green, stinking shit. Boy, what I wouldn’t give to rub his nose in some of that!

21. John Fucking Baird. How’s it feel to be schooled in geography by a bunch of Russkies at NATO, eh Squealer? You gigantic fucking idiot. How did you get to be foreign minister again? You know nothing about external politics at all!

22. J.D. Fucking Hayworth. And speaking of schooled: How’s it feel to have a real doctor shoot down your bullshit “concerns” about Central American refugee children as vectors of contagious disease? Ha, ha.

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23. Ralph Fucking Hudgens. Whatsamatter, Ralphie…afraid of a little critical journalism? Well, don’t worry. Just because you got your goons to strong-arm a lady reporter out of there, doesn’t mean that she isn’t going to get a strong signal boost…starting right here!

24. Bryan Fucking Fischer. No, Jesus isn’t magic, and he’s not keeping the Universe from flying apart. It is expanding, and there ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about that. Ha, ha.

25. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. No, marriage isn’t magic, and it doesn’t have the power to protect women against rape. There’s only one way to do that, and that is to make men stop raping women. Including their wives. And marriage doesn’t protect against that, either!

26. John Fucking Goodman. Ah yes, another case of conservative family values gone oh, SO wrong. Funny how this sort of thing always seems to happen to rabid right-wingers. Must be all those gay couples getting gay married that’s doing it to them!

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27. Ray Fucking Albers. Go fuck yourself…right out of a job. Ha, ha.

28 and 29. Lilia Fucking Ratmanski and Milana Fucking Musikante. The height of air-rage idiocy: Getting stinkingly drunk on the plane, smoking in the bathroom, setting off the fire alarm (because of course), and then getting into a brawl. Must have been some fight, because NORAD had to scramble two fighter jets to escort the diverted plane to the nearest airport. And the passengers erupted in cheers when these two idiots were hustled off.

30. Sandy Fucking Rios. Men are “more degraded than women”? Uh-uh. Sounds like the only one brainwashed here is YOU, Sandy.

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And finally, to all the death-threat senders on the Internets. Especially those who attacked Anita Sarkeesian (and David Futrelle). If you really want someone dead, why not just show up at their door in person with a gun, you cowardly motherfuckers? Not that I actually recommend that either. FYI, threatening violence is a crime, too. May you all get caught, and may it not go well for you when you do.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Robin Williams Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s wankapedia is dedicated to the immortal Robin Williams — not because he was a wanker himself (furthest thing from it!), but because he inspired me to spot the ironies and idiocies of the wankers all around me, and to point the finger and laugh out loud. The man was so great that even Koko the talking gorilla mourns him. I will, and DO, miss him terribly. And this week, the finger points at the following, who richly deserve someone to satirize them the way Robin Williams would have:

1. Shepherd Fucking Smith. Much as it pains me to list the guy who came closest to being FUX Snooze’s one voice of reason, I’m doing it this week…because of the simple fact that suicidality is NOT cowardice. Anyone who hasn’t lived with the pain that drives others to the edge has no business pronouncing on it as if it were a simple choice, much less one of moral weakness. I expect better of news anchors, no matter their channel. Shame on you, Shep!

2. Chris Fucking Fields. Trying to score political points off the death of a great actor whose work touched so many of those “real people” you claim to represent is just about as cheap and low as you can go. But by all means, double down. Keep scraping. You’ll get through the bottom of that barrel yet, and before you know it, you’ll be well on your way to China!

3. George Fucking Brandis. You know, if you’re going to surveil the Internets, shouldn’t you also be a regular user of them, familiar with the terminology and technology at hand? And if you’re not — what the hell are you even doing in government, much less overseeing Australian security operations in the capacity of Attorney General?

4. Dennis Fucking Roszell. Nudity on the beach is “terrorism”, now? Where the hell do they hide the weapons — up their bums? And even assuming that some of them are there to hook up (which is actually against most nude beaches’ rules) — so what? That’s not terrorism, either!

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5. Teresa Fucking Caputo. Real spirit mediums do exist, but they don’t generally go on TV with it (or wear dated, tacky hairdos and Louboutins!). Nor do they make pots of money off the bereaved. As we Wiccans so often say, “silver spoils the gift”.

6. Douglas Fucking Leguin. Yet another “sovereign” shittizen tries to ambush the police. Luckily, they sussed him out and he’s now under arrest. When can we finally start calling these assholes terrorists?

7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. No, Rusty, Robin Williams did NOT kill himself because he was a “political leftist” who was “never happy”. He died of clinical depression, which is an ailment of the nervous system, not of someone’s politics. And he is a far greater loss to the world than you will ever be, you ignorant fucking Pigman, so SHUT THE FUCK UP. PS: Ha, ha!

8. Randy Fucking Baumgardner. And while we’re on the topic of ignorant fucks, how about this one? He seems to think that the Injuns burned methane-infused water to keep “warm in the wintertime”. Um, no, they didn’t. “Firewater” was just their word for alcohol. And, like fracking chemicals, it was strictly a white man’s poison.

9. Bill Fucking Bennett. Why?

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That’s why. All those political donations from the same mining company responsible for Mount Polley must have gotten stuck in his eyes.

10. Enrique Fucking Peña Fucking Nieto. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid he is for confusing Robin Williams (deceased, brilliant comic actor) with Robbie Williams (still living, British pop singer). And just think, he’s an actual fucking president. ¡México merece mejor!

11. Keith Fucking Ablow. No, Michelle Obama is not fat, and no, she doesn’t need to drop anything…unless maybe it’s a brick on this idiot’s obese head.

12. Gary Fucking Kiehne. Somehow, it’s only fitting that a big prick be photobombed by…what else? A big prick. On a horse. Ha, ha.

13. Jeff Fucking Beltz. WWJD? Somehow, I doubt very much that he’d have hit Mary Magdalene, let alone hard enough to break her glasses.

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14. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. If you ever needed proof that pickup “artists” are fucking idiots when it comes to women, look no further than The Fucking Idiot Also Known as Roosh V. He seems to think that every woman who’s ever lived on her own, worked for a living and attended post-secondary education is some kind of heinous slut. Someone, in short, just like he fancies himself to be…only, in a woman, that’s not good. As if it were any better in a man. And such a skeevy man, at that. PS: RrrrrEEEEOWRrrrrrr! That’s right, Rooshie…get nasty with your fellow misodges of both sexes. Feminists love it when you guys bash each other; it saves us a shitload of work.

15. Gene Fucking Simmons. In case you needed one more reason to despise him, here it is. He wants all you mentally ill suicidal people out there to just kill yourselves. Proper response to someone who says that? YOU FIRST, ASSHOLE.

16. Jonathan Fucking Saenz. Hey, conversion therapy really does work — this anti-gay lobbywank’s wife realized she didn’t have to spend her whole life unhappy because of some dumb dogma, and left him for a woman! Ha, ha.

17. Catherine Fucking Nardi. Why?

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That’s why. Cops are killing unarmed black guys, the victimhood is pretty indisputable, the police ARE out of control, and yet somehow, to an old white lady with long yellow teeth, blacks are the “feral” ones. And you wonder why they’re protesting? You can quit wondering now. PS: No, she’s not the top cop’s wife. She’s just some random asshole from Florida. But hey, she wrote that, so she’s still fair game for a listing here.

18. Michael Fucking Sona. After the big federal election theft of 2011, only one person is going to jail — a lowly staffer linked to some crappy robocalls. For a mere 5 years, probably with time off for good behavior. Anyone besides me getting the feeling that it’s My Lai all over again?

19. Graeme Fucking McEachern. Speaking of blasts from the past: Look, a Red Scare! Boogaboogabooga-ahOOGA!!!

20. Michelle Fucking Duggar. For the thousand-millionth time: Trans women are not men. And treating them the same as you would any other women won’t get your daughters sexually abused. On the other hand, I’m not sure that being a Quiverfull home-schooler with an awful mullet hairdo and a stupid “reality” show isn’t a truly heinous form of child abuse, particularly for the eldest daughters.

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21. Doree Fucking Lewak. No, catcalls aren’t flattering, sexy or fun. They’re skeevy, skanky, scary, and just plain GROSS. Civilized men don’t do it. Civilized CATS, on the other hand…

22. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Women carrying Down’s Syndrome fetuses are morally obligated to abort and “try again”? Pro-choice FAIL, Dick. Nobody is morally obligated to do anything except support a woman’s right to decide if she’s up for the difficulties of raising a special-needs child…and to support her decision, whichever way it goes. Anything else would be immoral.

23. Jonathan Fucking Koppenhaver. So, the (now-captured) fugitive MMA fighter, who beat and kicked the shit out of his ex-girlfriend (whom he himself dumped) for just hanging out with a male friend, thinks that marriage is worse than what the Nazis did to the Jews? And he’s all whiny on his crappy blog because the world isn’t as amenable to his “Alpha Male shit” as he would like? Congratulations, Menz Rightzers. This one’s all yours. PS: And the same goes for his nasty, ugly, stinking ass barnacles on the tweeter, too.

24. Sunil Fucking Dutta. Holding cops accountable is not grounds for shooting anyone. Citizens not only have a perfect right to record police brutality as it happens, they have a moral duty to do so. And to complain about it, and publish it as widely as they can, so that the police department, if it is honorable, can put a stop to the bad cops. And if you object to the citizenry doing that, what does that make you? An apologist for brutality…right up to and including police-committed MURDER. Good cops don’t go there, bud.

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25. Paul Fucking Coakley. If a Black Mass isn’t being celebrated in your church, why should you care what a bunch of silly Satanists are up to, much less lower yourself beneath even their level of silliness? Jesus H. Christ.

26. Rick Fucking Perry. Well, hey howdy! Looks like Crotch Goodhair has got himself in a mess of trouble, now. And he can’t even exercise his gun-nuttery rights, because thanks to his indictment, he no longer has any. Ha, ha!

27. Michael Fucking Pappert. So, it’s the protesters in Ferguson who are the “rabid dogs”? Nuh-unh. They’re not the ones who have all the military hardware, and they’re not the ones frothing at the mouth with xenophobia and racism, either.

28. Tamara Fucking Scott. How the hell do children become “highly trained warriors”, much less an invading army set to take over the US from Mexico? Hell if I know, and hell if she knows, either. But now that she’s dropped this golden turd, who’s gonna try and prove her correct? Bueller?

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29. Dan Fucking Page. This one’s a multiple-level wanker: First for interfering with a journalist’s attempt to report what’s going on in Ferguson, and then for his racist rant — which explains a lot, since both the journalist and the protesters he’s out to suppress are black. Oh yeah, and some “equal opportunity” bullshit, too. If I had all night, I’d keep a running tally of the wanks this one’s racking up. Alas, I don’t, so go read the link if you wanna know more.

30. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Well, well. Looks like Hipster Pastor (the Hipstor? I kill me…) is in Limbaugh Land. And a Limbaugh-load of trouble with his own parishioners and church hierarchy, too. Ha, ha.

31. Ronda Fucking Bass. Do only girls commit dress-code violations in schools anymore? It would appear so. Otherwise, there’d be a lot of saggy-pantsed boys getting suspensions too; after all, the sight of a dude’s underwear above his waistband is distracting as hell. So, who’s the skank here again? YOU are. And so’s anyone else who subscribes to these inane, sexist double standards.

32. Martha Fucking Dreher. Epic babysitting FAIL. That is all.

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33. Daniel Fucking Holtzclaw. Well, here’s a switcheroo in a week replete with racist cops: How about a SEXIST one, who raped at least six women on the job? Yeah, they exist too. How nice!

34. Gary Fucking McCoy. Nobody is “looting” in memory of Mike Brown. And 60-inch plasma TVs are fucking passé. But thanks a lot for your racist toon; it tells the world all it needs to know about what kind of person YOU are. And that person is an asshole with a shitty body of work, who shouldn’t have a publishing platform anymore.

35. David Fucking Horowitz. Isn’t it rich how far Davey has come since his days as a white poser with the Black Panthers? Yes, it is. And he’s still making bank off his own racism, too. Time to pull the plug on the money machine, folks.

36. Mitsutoki Fucking Shigeta. If you thought the Octomom was not mentally fit to become a parent, wait till you meet this dude. He’s been dubbed a “baby factory” because he’s spreading his seed around with reckless abandon. He’s already churned out 16 babies via surrogates, including four sets of twins. And those are just the ones we know about. His ambition is to keep ’em coming (even freezing his sperm for future use), so that they’ll vote for him in some future election. Somehow, I doubt that’s going to happen. He doesn’t exactly sound like a loving parent, much less a viable political candidate.

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37. Steve Fucking King. So, all the Missouri “rioters” are “of the same continental origin”, but racial profiling isn’t a problem? Um, yeah. Riiiight. And in other news, all the thugs doing the real oppressing and terrorizing down there have the same continental origins, too. But they’re NOT black, so they won’t get more than a slap on the wrist at the very most. See how that works?

38. William Fucking McDaniel. Surprise! Strippers aren’t prostitutes. It’s not their JOB to have sex with you. It doesn’t matter what you paid for the privilege, you don’t get to call the cops on a woman who won’t put out. But thanks for showing just what a prize idiot a boner can make of a man. (And to the club owners: Why DO you have those fucking “VIP” and “champagne” back rooms, anyway? If you’re not running brothels, you shouldn’t act like you are.)

39. Joshua Fucking Delong. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here you all go. This one left his kids in the car while he went drinking, and wound up getting the shit beaten out of him for it…by the other drinkers. You know you’re a real wanker when THAT happens.

40. Jim Fucking Hagedorn. So, female politicians are all “undeserving bimbos in tennis shoes”? Gee, Mr. Conservative, you’re a real fucking charmer yourself.

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And finally, to all the fucking white shitpiles in Ferguson and elsewhere who are rallying around their racist, killer cops. Yes, you are indeed all Darren Fucking Wilson. The question is, why would you want to be the worst man in town — not only a racist, but a liar and a chickenshit coward who won’t even show his face, probably because he didn’t sustain the injuries he claims to have received from the black kid he killed for no good fucking reason at all? You dumbfucks think you live in fear? Try being BLACK in a town with all white cops.

And oh yeah, your “reasons” and justifications for the fucked-up situation you’re in don’t cut any ice with me, either. It’s 2014. The Civil War is over by more than a century and a half. The South LOST. The civil-rights movement WON. It’s been sixty years since Jim Crow. There are no more fucking excuses for any of this. Yet you’re still making them. At long last, have you assholes no goddamn SHAME? PS: Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Crappy Nagasaki Day!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Nagasaki Day to one and all. Also — hooray! — it’s Shark Week again. And there’s a veritable Sharknado of stoooopid swirling out there. And here’s who was in the thick of it this week, in no particular order:

1. Janet Fucking Bloomfield. First cracker out of the box is the self-styled Judgy Bitch (an accurate nym if ever there was one), making up ridiculous quotes and then sticking them in the mouth of Jessica Valenti because the latter had the temerity to make fun of the Menz Rightz Bowel Movement (a movement which richly deserves all the fun we can make of it, because its proponents are no fun otherwise). Much harassment ensued. And oh yeah, this shameless panderer to sexist males also has a penchant for calling other women whores. As though flat-out lying makes one a paragon of feminine virtue. PS: Oh yeah, and she’s a pedophile apologist too! Bet you feel real big for beating up on abused children, eh Jan? As long as your own kids aren’t among those statistics, who cares, right?

2. Roman Fucking Shapiro. Genocide? There’s an app for that. Or at least there was, until Google took it out of their Android store. Oh, and if you don’t like it, and don’t think the Israelis are the good guys here? Well, Romey says fuck you, too. Such a nice boy!

3. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Riddle me this: How and when did he go from Nobel Peace Prize winner to genocide advocate and dehumanizer of all Palestinians? I honestly have no answer for this, just as I have no answer for why they ever awarded that prize to Henry Fucking Kissinger…whom Elie is starting to resemble more and more, as far as ideologies go.

4. Kurt Fucking Schlichter. Why?

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That’s why. Apparently, one inhumane butcher is worth more than 1.8 million human beings, because REASONS. Oh wait, no reasons. Just the tacit assumption that there really is such a thing as racial superiority, because some fiction book says God made some snowflakes specialer than others.

5. Paul Fucking Gair. Just because someone’s parents are heterosexual, doesn’t mean they owe it to said parents to not be gay. Things like that are pretty much out of anyone’s voluntary control. And if you object to so many gay people existing, blame their straight parents…for conceiving them.

6. Rand Fucking Paul. Run! Run! The Mexicans are coming! And they’re bringing pots of pozole! The horror! The HORROR!!!

7. Rick Fucking Scarborough. God doesn’t nuke people. PEOPLE nuke people. And really: Over gay people? What kind of self-righteous idiot does that? Oh, right…one who thinks he’s God. Rick, why can’t you just think you’re Napoleon, instead? That way, you could always just go invade Russia.

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8. John Fucking Hagee. And speaking of idiots who think they’re God, there’s this one, who thinks poor people should be “allowed” to starve. I have a better idea: How about we put this guy on a radical diet, like the one Israel is currently enforcing on Palestine? He’s certainly fat and parasitical enough…and won’t this planet feel lighter without him on it?

9. Peter Fucking Steinmetz, again. How the hell does one become a brain scientist and yet still wind up so goddamn fucking stupid as to think that it’s ever okay to carry a loaded gun to an airport — a place which any terrorist would be delighted to shoot up, just to buy coffee, AND point it at someone while shifting it? Doesn’t that all kind of defeat the purpose of showing that “open carry is safe, you fucking libruls”?

10. Bill Fucking Whatcott. How much longer, O Lord, before this one falls out of the closet? And what will he do when none of those gay guys he has made a ludicrous career of bashing want to sleep with his sorry, bigoted, mothball-reeking ass?

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11. Paul Fucking Elam. Oh, you da big man, promising to hit women much smaller than yourself and call that “proportional”. Guess “Bash a Violent Bitch Month” is now all year round, eh? And I bet that “violent bitch” actually just means “uppity woman who dares to contradict me, me, ME!” I hope the local police where you live are taking notes, because what you’re writing sure sounds like threats to me.

12. Charlie Fucking Beck. How the hell does one forget that one bought a horse off one’s own daughter? I don’t know, ask the chief of the LAPD; he’s the forgetful one. With memory lapses like that, it’s a wonder that no one has questioned his ability to head a rather large city police force.

13. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, it’s finally happened. Right-wing nutjobs, even the worst of them, are scrambling to distance themselves from something asinine that she said. And her condition is about to be downgraded from idiotic to brain-dead. Sucks to be you, Coultergeist!

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14. Mike Fucking Duffy. How the hell does a stunningly mediocre TV reporter end up being such a big fish that he gets lowly janitors fired from Ottawa hospitals for complaining that he treated them like shit when he was in for heart surgery? Oh, I don’t know…probably the same way he was made a senator, and then proceeded to get away with $90,000 worth of stinking corruption.

15. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. How the hell does one “invent” a border crisis? Simple. By being so deeply in political and personal disgrace that one becomes desperate to pin any tail at all on a cardboard-cutout donkey. How else?

16. Jerry Fucking Hill. Do dogs read Craigslist? Can they even give consent? I dunno. All I know that Dog is God spelled backwards, and yup, that seems about right.

17. Craig Fucking Beemer. Hate having to pay a minimum wage? Don’t want to cut into your profits so that your wait-staff can eke out a miserable living? Well, there’s nothing like pitting the customers against them for that! Special dishonorable mention to manager-lackey Craig Fucking Orcutt for trying to spin this nose-thumbing as “protecting the employees”, too. Shame on both of you!

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18. Candace Fuckingn Maxymowich. A SupposiTory “youth leader”, promoting abstinence-only sex-ed? Congratulations, Candy…you’re about to become the least popular girl on campus. But hey! Good on you for taking a principled stance and promoting the type of sex-ed that leads to the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world!

19. Sibusiso Barnabas Fucking Dlamini. Trade unionists and human rights leaders should be strangled when they get back to Swaziland? Sign the petition at the link, people. And pass it on.

20. Kim Fucking Kardashian. I don’t know what scares me more: that some idiot publisher agreed that her boring-ass selfies were worth putting out in book form, or that there are so many other idiots out there who would be willing to buy such a book. And no, Kim, not all women stand in front of the mirror taking pictures of their own arses. That’s just you, continually proving to the world what a vapid moron you are.

21. Brian Fucking Knyoch. There’s no such thing as “close to drinking water quality”, especially not in mine tailings ponds. That shit is TOXIC. And if you feel so confident that it’s drinkable, fine — YOU drink it. I’ll just stand over here and watch you slowly turn blue. Deal?

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22 and 23. Anna Fucking Zubkova and Rob Fucking Freeman. I don’t know which is worse: him for being an idiot white supremacist who actually thinks that white people are “under attack” for their whiteness (where? WHERE???), or her for being dumb and blinkered enough to stay married to this troll once she found out just what he was.

24. Jason Fucking Kenney. Speaking of trolls: How very like him to insinuate that Justin Trudeau must support terrorism because he’s visited a local mosque (which was only linked to a so-called “terror matrix” AFTER his visit). And how very like him to do it using his own parliamentary e-mail address. Will no one strip this noisome brat of his internet privileges? After all, he did visit a mosque tied to actual antisemitic propaganda…

25. Sean Fucking Hannity. And how very like the Baby Jesus to be better at dishing out juvenile insults than taking them. I could hear his whining, pouting, and itty-bitty foot-stomping right through the tweeter…ha, ha.

26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Also, how very like the Pigman to think that liberals would be interested in joining the anti-choice movement over the mere prospect of having a gay child. Considering that liberals are far more likely to be supportive parents to one than any conservaturd, AND still support abortion rights no matter what, it’s gonna be a long, lonely wait for the anti-choicers, who are notably anti-LGBT as well as sexist.

27. Rob Fucking Ford. Why?

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That’s why. He’s racist as shit, but he’s not afraid to say Bumbaclot. Even if he IS one himself. Caribana was great in spite of his presence, not because of it.

28. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yes, Biff, you did say stupid things at FUX Snooze. But you haven’t stopped saying them. In fact, what you’re saying now is often even stupider. Even when you’re finally getting around to this little thing called Honesty, ur STILL doin it rong.

29. Joan Fucking Rivers. Nice to know that she’s mellowing so well in her old age. Oh, what am I saying? She’s turning into one helluva mean old bat. And no, Joan, the people of Gaza did NOT deserve to die. Most of them are already displaced by Israelis. Your inhumanitarian streak is hereby duly noted.

30. Todd Fucking Rokita. For those who don’t know the score, it’s like this: Central American immigrant kids infected with Ebola fever: 0. Native-born US-Americans infected with Ebola in Africa: 2, both recovering. Africans with Ebola: Over 1000, most of them deceased. Native-born US-Americans infected with Ebola in the US: 0. Probability that Todd Fucking Rokita is a xenophobic moron: 100%. Odds that he’ll die of dumbth: 0, unfortunately.

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And finally, to all the woman-hating Twitter trolls of #tcot. Congratulations, you dumb fuckers all have piss-poor reading comprehension. Nobody was asking you to pay for Jessica Valenti’s tampons; she was looking for info so she could write a story about how other countries do things better for women than the US. And congratulations, also, on being part of that extremely misogynous problem. It’s a wonder your own mothers haven’t disowned you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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