Wankers of the Week: Upper Class Pigfuckers


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy Equinox to one and all. Fall is upon us, and so are multicolored leaves, pumpkin-spice-flavored everything…and oh yeah, the one thing that never changes with the seasons: WANKERS! And this week, in no particular order, they are:

1. David Pig-Fucking Cameron. Yes, kiddies, that’s right. First crack out of the box, a special distinction just for His Nibs. Who stuck his nib in the mouth of a dead pig during some kind of creepy initiation rite at Oxford. One that makes the rumors of the Skull and Bones initiation seem mild by comparison. Is this what it takes to be a global leader of the 21st century? A willingness to stick your willy everywhere it doesn’t belong, and commit bestial necrophilia, to boot? This no doubt explains the paucity of female “leaders” at that level…for one thing, women have better sense than to do anything like that. For another, we also have different anatomy.

2. Paul Fucking Wells. Well, now we know the identity of at least one of Harpo’s buttboys in the media. Inkless Wells, as he so cutely titled his political column, is either witless or conscienceless, in addition to inkless. Because he apparently thinks that the legal, ceremonial and electoral institutions of this land support broad-scale election thefts. And Harpo is guilty of them in at least two elections, and now he’s running for a third. And the media, or at least Maclean’s magazine’s star political columnist, is running interference for him. So much for comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comforted? Oh, and get this: Witless Wells also insulted Raffi. Yes, that’s right, he called a beloved children’s singer a “flatulent crank” for pointing out the blinding obvious. That’s pretty damn low, but it’s par for a man who spends much of his time flat on his belly for the Harper Government™.


3 and 4. Rick Fucking Wiles and John Fucking Price. Yes, please do tell all the evangelical shitferbrains to leave the US and never come back. And while you’re at it, you too should get the fuck out. Those who are left behind will finally get their chance to fix the political, economic and ecological messes you idiots have left behind!

5. Carly Fucking Fiorina. When even FUX Snooze is no longer buying the lies in all those fake Planned Parenthood videos, that’s your cue to STFU. And really, as someone else said: If you’re looking to destroy Planned Parenthood, Carly, why not become its CEO, and run it into the ground like you did HP and Compaq?

6. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. He’s allegedly Catholic. I say “allegedly”, because he clearly doesn’t believe in abiding by the word of the Pope, who is, according to church doctrine, infallible. Leaving doctrinal issues out of it, though, I’d say Francis is at least correct about the evils of capitalism. Jesus Christ himself railed against the moneychangers in the Temple, and drove them out with a cat-o’-nine-tails — remember? So why is this moron taking the part of the moneychangers? Oh yeah: It’s FUX Snooze. Where black is white, day is night, wrong is right, and truth is shite.


7. Paul Fucking Elam. Not enough of a he-man woman-hater for Paulie? That’s all right, bitches, because he’s about to Go His Own Way. Without you. And only the most boorish drunken misodges will be allowed in the treehouse from now on, so NYAHHHH! Yup, Greatest Human Rights Movement in the History of Ever, folks.

8 and 9. Jared Fucking Rutledge and Jacob Fucking Owens. And speaking of he-man woman-haters: Isn’t it sweet to see how the two biggest douchebags in Asheville are now its two LEAST popular dudes? Ha, ha.

10. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Sorry, AIDS patients, pregnant women, and other immune-compromised people! If you’ve been exposed to Toxoplasma gondii, you’re going to have to pay through the nose for the pill that treats it. This hedge-fund vulture has decided that a 5,700 percent markup is “fair”, at least to compensate himself for what he paid to buy the company that produces this remedy, which is twice as old as he is and really should be public domain by now. Isn’t that illegal? If it’s not, it damn well SHOULD be. Because it’s certainly going to cost an awful lot of lives, and he has a known track record for doing precisely this sort of thing. It stinks of a Ponzi scheme, too, as he’s been accused of using money grubbed this way to pay back angry hedge-fund investors he ripped off in the past. Doctors, heads up…and prescribe generics! PS: And he STILL thinks that’s not enough! I think he’s ripe for a major criminal investigation, don’t you? PPS: No, really…he is MORE than ripe. He’s ROTTEN.


11. Marco Fucking Rubio. No, women are NOT getting pregnant just to sell fetuses to Planned Parenthood. And even if they were, it wouldn’t be an indictment of women, but of capitalism…for making them so desperate in the first place. Restrict capitalism, not women!

12. Jeb Fucking Bush. No, black people are NOT out to scam free stuff off of others. Once again, you’re thinking of capitalism…and specifically, the kind practiced by stupid white dudes like yourself.

13. Charles Fucking Gasparino. No, Jesus would NOT “thank you for making money”. He drove the moneychangers out of the temple with a cat-o’-nine-tails, remember? And moreover, he was indeed a communist, if not the Marxist kind. He explicitly told his followers to pool their resources and give any extra to those in need. Capitalist Jesus never existed; it’s as simple as that!

14. Bruce Fucking Rauner. Why?


That’s why. Some call it “robbing Peter to pay your shareholders”. It’s the same crime as #10, basically.

15. Stuart Fucking Varney. And again: No, Jesus was not a capitalist. He said nothing at all about how the rich are somehow better than anybody else, just because they have more money. And the Pope, for once, is in agreement with him, and realizes that there’s no point in saving souls if there’s no planet left to house them all. Mind: blown! (No, wait, that’s just an artery.)

16. Alex Fucking Jones. Taking measures against man-made climate change will leave a billion dead? Well, if this hot-air blower is among them, it can’t be an entirely bad thing.

17. Alex Fucking Johnstone. It’s kind of hard to imagine anyone NOT knowing what Auschwitz really is, but somehow, she managed it. And shame on the federal NDP for cutting those who recognize Palestine, but NOT those who fail to recognize holocausts. At this rate, I may soon have no party left to vote for.

18. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Why?


That’s why. The Pontiff, as anyone who’s been following the news this week would know, had no complaints about the welcome he got in Washington. This “apology”, from someone who will never be pontifex or POTUS, is just self-serving bullshit.

19. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Guess who I most definitely won’t be voting for? Yup, that’s right, the Trudizzle. Environmentalism is nothing but “sanctimonious crap” to him, just as our right to privacy is something he had no trouble selling down the river so as not to be seen as “soft on terrorism”. For anyone who still thinks there’s a dime’s worth of difference between him and Harpo (beyond age and hairstyles), think again. There will be NO real change if he’s elected PM. He’s already made that clear with his actions, and now his words have irrevocably followed.

20. Dean Fucking Esmay. Wow. Looks like Deano’s really gone off the deep end this week, lobbing wild accusations at all and sundry. It seems that now, anyone who disagrees with him, debunks his bullshit, or just makes fun of him for being a complete asshat is going to get called a child abuser, because Deano was (or claims to have been) sexually abused as a child. Because calling someone out for being a misogynist idiot is totally the same thing as raping him, apparently. PS: Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that Deano thinks that those who literally have every disadvantage against him are “privileged”. He is truly through the Looking Glass!


And finally, to all the fucking MRAssholes who jumped all over #MasculinitySoFragile, the Twitter hashtag making fun of pointlessly macho marketing gimmickry. Thanks for being humorless idiots, and thanks for making our feminist point for us. You’re all so fragile and insecure in your machismo that you can’t take a joke even when it’s not at your personal expense. Remind us again why you deserve so much more respect than anybody else, because when I look at the bunch of you (yes, even you poor delusional women who think “feminism has gone too far” when it hasn’t gone halfway far enough), all I can do is snicker. Sucks to be you guys (and you desperate-to-be-liked gals).

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Old Stock Shitheads


Crappy weekend, everyone! And what a shitty, crappy one it is. Stephen Fucking Harper has finally tipped his hand as a dyed-in-the-wool Nazi, and all in three odious words. “Old Stock Canadians” — a racist dog whistle that clearly ignores the people who were here first, ahead of all those “old stock” types. But since they’re not white, they don’t count. It’s enough to make one want to smash a bottle and straight-up cut a bastard, starting with Harpo himself. And you know who else I’d like to bottle? These people…in no particular order:

1. Kim Fucking Davis. Your fifteen minutes are up, troll. Time to shut up, go away, and leave the issuing of marriage licences to someone who is willing to do the job. ALL OF IT. PROPERLY.

2. David Fucking Nasser. No, racism is not a “sin”; the bible endorses it, as do the proponents of Israeli apartheid, many of whom are ultra-orthodox believers. Police brutality isn’t going to be cured by religion; if anything, history shows that religion has been one of racism’s biggest underpinnings. And WTF is this shit about owning the buses and restaurants? That won’t cure racism, either; as I recall, it only ever helped the richest white people to carry on discriminating until laws came into effect to force them not to. Most people will never own a business, and it’s absurd to expect that tiny individual acts (of ownership, even) will change anything systemic, like racism.

3. Tom Fucking Brady. Well, look who fumbled the political football. And who has obviously taken way too many hits to the head out there on the ol’ gridiron. I mean, what other logical explanation COULD there be for anyone to endorse Donald Fucking Trump, anyway? (Or, come to that, a “putting green on the White House lawn”. UGH.)


4. Donald Fucking Trump. And speaking of Da Donald, looks like somebody hasn’t been reading his bible. And could care less that the chapter and verse he quoted are fake, fake, FAKE. Maybe try NOT watching so many stupid movies, eh?

5. Ann Fucking Coulter. The Coultergeist may be on her way out with the right-wing media establishment, but she’s not going down without a fight…which, in her case, means to fire off as many anti-Semitic slurs as possible. Yes, burn those bridges…shoot, who needs relevance anyway, eh Annie?

6. Bristol Fucking Palin. And speaking of irrelevant…just who is she to tell the POTUS to “STAY out of” the case of Ahmed Mohamed, who was arrested merely for bringing a homemade digital clock to school while Muslim? Nobody, of course. And she’s pissy as hell about her non-entity status, and wants the whole world to know it.


7. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Funny, but absolutely NO gay guys that I know were “turned” that way by crazy women — including my best friend, who, Lord knows, had his hands full with clinically depressed, sometimes-suicidal me. All of them have been attracted to other guys for as long as they can remember. And they like women a lot, sane or not…they just don’t want to sleep with them. (Or sexbots either, come to that.) PS: Milo, if you seriously believe that the female orgasm is just a “biological extremist” conspiracy theory, you might want to learn a bit of basic anatomy.

8. Robert Fucking Cunningham. Let’s get one thing absolutely clear, Bishop…NO victim of abuse is ever “culpable” for what happened to them. Not at 7, not at 17, and not at 70. The “age of reason” is irrelevant when you’re talking about the victim of a CRIME. No matter what the victim’s age, the guilt must always rest on their abuser, because THAT’S WHO DID THE FUCKING ABUSING, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

9. Jeb Fucking Bush. Yep, ol’ Hebby’s been on a real roll this week. Not only did he forget on whose watch 9-11 occurred (hint: his brother’s!), he also wants a positively putrid British prime minister’s portrait on US money. Uh, what was that Declaration of Independence about, again? Also, he’s allergic to big, intelligent words!


10. Marlan Fucking Haakanson. No, a poor grasp of copyright law won’t stop the changing of the times. And neither will a stubborn insistence on keeping a team name racist.

11. James Fucking Rainey Fucking Mason. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to wank in your car in broad daylight, while stalking a woman (who caught it all on video). And oh yeah, it doesn’t help either that he’s a cop. Yes, that’s right, folks, this one’s a literal wanker! The weekly wankapedia just wouldn’t be complete without one.

12. Eugene Fucking Holmes. Yes, I’m sure promising to be exactly like Wanker #1 is a great way to get elected…if your constituency consists entirely of inbred yokels who pull their puds and howl every time the Moon is full. And what’s wrong with wanting to “eradicate homosexuals”? Well, dude, read your history book, if you have one…you’ll find that this strategy was also popular with a certain shitty little meth-addicted Austrian guy who hijacked Germany in the 1930s.


13. Rick Fucking Santorum. And speaking of pud-pulling yokels, how about ol’ Buttsploodge? Yes, Icky Ricky too is still jockeying for some thin shreds of relevance, and he thinks the way to do that is to compare #1 to a Columbine victim! Um, Ricky…she’s still alive. She’s no martyr, she’s a PERSECUTOR. And she’s much too old for high school…though apparently not for immaturity.

14. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. And speaking of too old but still immature, how about ol’ Roosh V? Yes, he too has delusions of his own martyrdom and persecution, even though it’s clear that he, too, is the hunter and not the hunted. And also one helluva projector. Roosh, if feeling “the full force of the establishment” entails nothing worse than getting a beer dumped on your head and being called a piece of shit by a mixed crowd, I’d hate to see what you do when you REALLY get a can of whup opened on your unwiped ass.

15. Cindy Fucking Gamrat. Yeah, God has plans for you, honey. Her plans are for you to be ignominiously defeated by a far more qualified candidate, to fade back into obscurity, and never run for public office (or boink another man in same) again.

16. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. He can’t vote here anymore, but he can still tell us who to vote for? How the hell does that even work? I thought it was against the law for foreigners to meddle in Canadian elections. And Wayne’s not been one of us for about half a lifetime now. But you know what? He’s right about one thing. Harpo has been absotively unreal — like a motherfucking hallucination of madness. And come October 20, we’re bringing Reality back!


17. Felipe Fucking González. Who? Oh, just a certain former Spanish prime minister (supposedly a socialist) who quit being relevant ages ago, but who still thinks he has something of import to say. And what does he say about the current president of Venezuela? Oh, just that the late, unlamented Augusto Fucking Pinochet (long may he rot) had more respect for human rights than the democratically elected, peacefully inclined Madurito. This after a Venezuelan court (not the presidency, but a court of law, motherfuckers) put the fascist putschist Leopoldo López in jail for 13 years, for inciting violent riots in which over 40 Venezuelans died. I don’t know how the hell he manages to get a “brutal dictatorship” out of ordinary, democratic rule of law, so I’ll just say Bye, Felipe!

18. Scott Fucking Lattin. Who? Oh, just some yokel from Texas who vandalized his own truck in order to discredit the good folks of Black Lives Matter, and to bilk other yokels out of a few thousand to repair what he did. Because ever’body knows that black lives don’t matter half as much as those of some white wank in a pickup truck who thinks the right to hate (for dollars, even!) is more important than the right to live, right?

19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Well, of COURSE Ahmed Mohamed is cooler than your kids, all of them put together. And why the hell not? He is more than capable of thinking and doing worthwhile things. I have yet to see evidence that the Palin brood is good for anything other than drunken brawls and unplanned pregnancies. And considering who their mother is, that’s hardly surprising.

20. Chris Fucking Rouston. No, dear, it’s not “sharing your faith” if you only do it unto LGBT people…and you’re actually “sharing” nothing but hateful propaganda. You were fired for harassment, not religion, so take your persecution complex (and your whiny-ass moneygrubbing) the hell outta here.


And finally, to Paul Fucking Elam and his creepy cronies of A Voice For Men. Paulie & Co. had a pub crawl recently, and decided to record their drunken antics, in which they taunted feminist bloggers Jessica Valenti and Amanda Marcotte in the crudest terms imaginable. How this beery bellowing is supposed to help and empower troubled men, they don’t say. Apparently, these poor ol’ bastards are so oppressed that they can’t even stay sober anymore. And that makes Paulie’s ambition to “counsel” troubled dudes (for much more than the going rate) seem kind of hinky. Didn’t he use to have a drug and alcohol problem, and didn’t he also use to be an addiction counselor? How much trust can one put in his “counseling” if he’s failed so dismally to stay on the wagon himself? And if he’s dragged a whole roomful of other men down to his own level?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Mugs ‘n’ Pisses


Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s entry is dedicated to Peegate, our scandal of the week. But it’s not the only thing going down. It’s my doody — er, duty — to bring you all the turds in the toilet, too. And this week’s shits are, in no particular order:

1. Damon Fucking Wayans. No one is “unrapeable”. Not even this unfunny clown, who hasn’t made me laugh since he was in Earth Girls Are Easy, playing an alien who outdances some dude with a fancy suit and a disco stick. Pretty much his only really memorable scene. (Jim Carrey was funnier, and Jeff Goldblum was way hotter.) He hasn’t been relevant since, and I don’t think it will help him to defend Bill Fucking Cosby. Especially not by slagging the latter’s accusers. And if you don’t understand how power, privilege and impunity work, you’re doomed to permanent irrelevancy. PS: Yo, Damon? What SHE said.

2. Jeb Fucking Bush. So, lemme see if I got this straight: It’s the mark of a tolerant country…to just let the intolerant run roughshod over everybody else that they don’t want to tolerate? Wow, there really is no bottom to that barrel-o-stoopid. And just think, kiddies, this one’s supposedly the smart one of the Bush Clan. Ha, ha, joke’s on you — there are no smart Bushes! It’s just rich idiots all the way down!

3. Walter Fucking Palmer. So, the asshole who killed Cecil the lion is about to crawl out of hiding and return to his dental practice. Well, he’s sure gonna see a lot of teeth…but not in the way he intended. Ha, ha. PS: Waaaaaa!


4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Uh oh. Someone hasn’t learned from his own people’s history what happens when you deny refugees a safe place to live. Never mind the curse of seven generations; make it seven-times-seven, in his case. And even that would be letting him off lightly.

5. Sean Fucking Ludwick. Remember that nursery rhyme about the king in his counting-house, counting out his money? Well, meet the real-estate developer who decided that the local courthouse was his counting-house. Somehow, it’s not too surprising to learn that the reason he was there was a drunk-driving incident in which he wrecked his Porsche and left his buddy to die, eh? Yeah, it’s good to be king…and if justice is served, this guy will be king of a very roach-ridden cell block.

6. Tim Fucking Dutaud. Ever get the feeling that all Conservative candidates are secretly wankers? Well, they are. And some of them actually leave digital trails of their wankeries, too.


7. Raymond Fucking Mott. Why is it that cops have no compunctions about fake-joining leftist groups for the purpose of infiltrating and destroying them? Oh, probably for the same reason that they have no compunctions about joining neo-Nazi and KKK groups for serious. But hey, at least he made the excuse that he was infiltrating!

8. Sage Fucking Gerard. Before you read legal etchings, feed beagle retchings! If that made no sense to you, don’t worry. Neither would anything else this guy says. No wonder he has so much trouble getting a woman to consent to have sex with him. (Well, that and his Menz Rightzer idiocy. Which has the added “benefit” of being super-duper double-looper unsexy.)

9. Nicole Fucking Arbour. No, honey, you’re not “hella brave” to punch down at fat people. Take a hard seat. You’re lazy, you’re boring, you’re trite — and you’re not helping. Pro tips: Don’t assume that fat people are all fat for the same reasons. Don’t assume that being fat will make them all sick, either. Don’t match your lipstick to your hair streaks. Don’t overdo your fucking eye makeup (and don’t let it clash with your lips, either). And above all, don’t spout mean ugly things and then claim you’re doing it because you care. Your own eyebrows look like they’re trying to flee your face, and who can blame them? With all that nasty bullshit coming out of your mouth, I’d be fleeing too. PS: Don’t quit your day job — you’ve been fired! Ha, ha.


10. Kim Fucking Davis. And speaking of “take a hard seat”, look who’s out of jail. Look who’s arrogant and unrepentant. Look who hasn’t learned shit from all that. And look who’s getting shit for her unauthorized use of “Eye of the Tiger”. Ha, ha. PS: No, you know what’s invalid? YOU ARE. Shut the fuck up and go the hell away.

11. Petra Fucking Lazlo. Well, well. Looks like even in fascist Hungary, it’s possible to get fired for being nasty to Syrian refugees who don’t even want to stay in your country, but just pass through en route to someplace better. What’s truly fantastic is that she worked for a station which is the propaganda arm for one of the furthest-right parties in the land. Ha, ha.

12. Jill Fucking Duggar. Is she a missionary, or just a scamster who travels on donated cash? Either way, she and her scrungy husband sure don’t look modest in their vacation clothes.

13. Sue Fucking MacDonell. It’s not just male Conservatives wanking on phones and pissing in mugs this week…their ladies’ auxiliary is just as low-down, mean and spiteful. Case in point: this racist, who was forced to step down from the board of directors for her riding association after she just couldn’t contain her remarkably Harpo-like “thoughts” on why them durn Injunz iz soooo stoooooopid. And if that’s not projection, I don’t know what is.


14. Dean Fucking Esmay. Mang, the term “Men Going Their Own Way” just keeps on stretching. Deano, for one, thinks they CAN be married, even though pretty much every other mig-toe out there thinks they can’t, unless it’s to a mail-order bride from some impoverished country. And even then, they’ll soon enough be unmarried again, because ugh, who’d want to live with THEM? Especially since they tend to use terms like “girlish”, “womanish”, etc., as insults? PS: Anybody seen Deano’s wife? Gotten her thoughts on this matter? Can anyone confirm that she even exists, i.e. that Deano isn’t lying out his ass again? Inquiring minds, etc. PPS: Drama llama much? I mean, THEY spit green goop on their enemies, too…

15. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Roosh V, a “scientist”? Get the fuck out. No, really: GET THE FUCK OUT.

16. Jackie Fucking Sims. It may shock you to learn this, lady, but not everything that is frank and honest about sex is pornography. A science book about a woman whose cervical cancer cells are apparently immortal is not exactly something anyone would whack off to. And you trying to keep science books out of children’s hands is you trying to keep information and knowledge out of their heads. Just because you’re pig-ignorant doesn’t mean THEY have to be.


17. Ben Fucking Carson. No, the United States is NOT a “Judeo-Christian nation”. The Founders themselves said that there is no official state religion, and no need to introduce legislation providing for any. And many of them were Deists, to boot — which, by most believers’ terms, would render them effectively atheists.

18. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. When the only tool you have is a hammer, every issue looks like a nail. And when the only kind of masculinity you have is a toxic kind, the effort to introduce something healthier is “emasculation”. I have to ask why this FUX Snooze telebimbo is so god-awfully concerned with men’s manhoods, anyhow. I mean, it’s not like most of them will have anything to do with her if they can help it.

19. Donald Fucking Trump. R.E.M. just issued a cease-and-desist to Da Donald for using one of their songs. I suspect they won’t be the only ones. Ha, ha. PS: Appealing to his inbred supporters, I see. Still…EWWWWWWWWW.


20. Pat Fucking Robertson. If you can be jailed for being a Christer, why isn’t Patwa in prison yet? It’s not as if he hasn’t used his fake-ass religiosity to scam the living bejeezus out of his followers… PS: And for a prime example of that religiosity, here you go. He called Kim Fucking Davis a “tramp”! Is that any way to talk about your co-religionist?

21. Braydon Fucking Mazurkiewich. Looks like #15 has company in the Cons’ party-wide (but usually unstated) hate-the-Injunz stance. Aaaand it looks like HE’s out of a party job, too. And considering it was just for the purposes of covertly spreading SupposiTory crapaganda anyway, nothing of value was lost. Ha, ha.

22. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. Need any more evidence that National Geographic is slowly circling the drain? Look who just bought it. And who will, no doubt, sink it by forcing it to become his main organ of climate change denialism. PS: Ha, ha.

23. Peter Fucking Kent. No, Syrian refugees aren’t ISIL militants. They’re the ones fleeing from the ISIL militants. Who are the ISIL militants? Hint: They’re still in Syria. Those are the guys your side is out there financing in an effort to get rid of Bashar al-Assad, remember?


24. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, Hucky Fudd, there was nothing complicated or difficult to understand about the SCOTUS ruling in favor of legal same-sex marriage. You’re just too stupid to understand it. And if you’re not smart enough to understand it, you’re not smart enough to run for POTUS, either.

25. Nicola Fucking Austen. No, Mom, you don’t buy your daughter 12 bags of cocaine to celebrate her 18th birthday in style. For one thing, that stuff gets smuggled inside of somebody’s rectum. For another, it serves no purpose whatsoever, except maybe to make El Narco Uribe and his right-wing paramilitaries richer. Wanna get your daughter a truly memorable 18th birthday present? GET HER AN EDUCATION SO SHE DOESN’T TURN OUT A FUCKING IDIOT LIKE YOU.

26. Joshua Fucking Ryne Fucking Goldberg. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to pretend you’re an Aussie jihadi on 9-11, when in fact you’re nothing more than a basement-dwelling ziotroll of a Florida Man.


27. Lynton Fucking Crosby. And speaking of Aussie jihadis, what’s this one — a known anti-refugee BASTARD — doing advising our so-called Prime Minister? Ha, ha, not for much longer, you imported git!

28. David Fucking Daleiden. Ever wonder who’s behind all those fake “gotcha” videos purporting to show Planned Parenthood selling aborted fetuses? Now you know. And you also know he’s in trouble with the law for precisely that sort of thing. Ha, ha.

29. Kenneth Fucking Lee Fucking Sheka. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how much of an asshole you’d have to be to fire your gun into a wall when a woman tells you to stop groping her. And just think, kiddies, this one’s a cop! Doesn’t that just make you feel so safe and secure?

30. David Fucking Frum. Oh joy, the schmuck who coined the term “Axis of Evil” has piped up…and accused those who rightly hate Harpo for ruining our country with being “deranged”. Where have we heard THAT before? Oh yeah: From that same schmuck back when he was working for Dubya, when people rightly hated HIM for ruining our neighbor to the south. Oh, if dear ol’ Babs could only see him now. She’d be even more ashamed of him.


And finally, to Jerry Fucking Bance. He claims that pissing in a client’s mug and then surreptitiously emptying it down their kitchen sink doesn’t reflect who he really is? Au contraire, mon frère…true character is what you do when you don’t think anyone’s looking. That means this ugly incident reflects who you really are a lot more than anything else you say or do. And really: If you had to pee so badly, would it have killed you to ask where the bathroom was? Or, if worse came to worst, to just quietly water the bushes? Oh no, you just had to do it in the most disrespectful place and manner possible. You might as well have emptied that mug on your client’s head! But still, this incident is instructive. So emblematic of how our lovely federal Conservatives do…well, EVERYTHING they do, really. And that’s why they’re all bound for the royal flush, come October.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Labor Day Slackers


Crappy weekend, everyone! Monday is Labor Day, so this week’s entry is dedicated formally to all the workers out there doing their jobs, and also to the organizers of history who lived and died fighting for workers’ rights. Thank you, workers! It is also dedicated, informally, to these lazy fucking slackers, in no particular order:

1. Kim Fucking Davis. Not only has she lost the federal case she made of her unwillingness to do her job, but with four marriages and three divorces under her belt, she’s also a confirmed adulteress. Guess some marital sins aren’t sinfuller than others after all, eh? PS: Aaaand she does the predictable “God said so!” wig-out. Off to jail you go, Kimmeh. Also, God called; says to leave him the hell out of it.

2. Jim Fucking Garrow. GASP! Ted Fucking Cruz is…an Obama plant? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? Oh, and the reason Canadians don’t swear allegiance to the US constitution? WE’RE CANADIANS, YOU STUPID FUCK. Not our constitution, not our allegiance. Capisce?

3. Janet Fucking Porter. So, she claims it was her prayers that delivered the Florida vote to Dubya in 2000? That’s funny, I could have sworn it was Dubya’s brother, Jebby…and his caging-list henchwoman, Katherine Harris…and Dubya’s cousin John Ellis on FUX Snooze, calling the vote prematurely, accidentally-on-purpose…and… Does Jesus actually answer prayers with such perversity and crookedness? Little wonder so many people are losing their religion.


4. Jesse Fucking Rau. Once more, with feeling: If your persistent God-bothering keeps you from doing your job properly, quit that damn job and let somebody else do it who is both willing and capable! Jeezus, people.

5. Casey Fucking Davis. Ahem. As I was saying: See #1 and #4. Or else stop using “religion” as an argument to get out of doing your job, and just do the damn job! But stop already with these “I will die in the name of…” histrionics. Jesus said NOTHING about dying to keep gay people from legally marrying, you idiotic fucking hypocrite.

6 and 7. Todd Fucking Courser and Cindy Fucking Gamrat. Want to have an affair? Don’t join Ashley Madison; just do your fooling around in the Michigan state legislature, instead of, you know, actually doing your jobs! And to throw ’em off the scent, plant fake rumors of gay prostitutes and other bizarro doings, so that when it all comes out that you’ve been having a completely boring, straight affair, no one will really care, and you’ll be off the hook again. Yeah, that’ll work.


8. Pat Fucking Robertson. And into the whole Kentucky same-sex marriage fray jumps a mouthy old geezer whom nobody needed to hear from, because he makes all his money by bilking and conning poor gullible souls, and that ain’t workin’. Siddown and shuddup, Patwa.

9. Joe Fucking Davis. Oh joy! #1’s number 4 husband has piped up, saying he’ll shoot anyone who comes in and tries to hold the dear wifey to her oath to do her fucking job. That ain’t workin’ either.

10. Jeb Fucking Bush. Stop trying to lecture the Pope on how to do HIS job, Jebby. You haven’t exactly been doing yours all that well, either.

11. Elisabeth Fucking Hasselbeck. It being FUX Snooze and all, of course spouting blatant racism IS her job, and it is the whole of her job. But still. What the hell kind of person hires someone to do a job like that?


12. Kristen Fucking Lindsey. What the hell kind of vet shoots a pet cat with a bow and arrow, then brags of killing a “feral” one? A vet who lost her job at the animal clinic and really deserves to lose her veterinary licence as well, that’s who. Cardinal rule of hunting: If you’re not going to eat it or wear it, don’t kill it. And if you’re a vet, you do everything you can to save the lives of cats, not TAKE them. That’s your fucking job, lady, and you suck at it.

13. Rick Fucking Perry. Jesus called; says you’re nothing like him. Also, as former governor of Texas, you did a shit job. Take a hard seat, Crotch.

14. Josh Fucking Duggar. As one of my friends pointed out, it looks like this one’s got commitment issues: He can’t commit to a recovery program. He’s gone missing, and no one knows where he’s at (although some have their suspicions). Also, sounds like he couldn’t even commit to something as basic as the use of condoms. Remind me again why he’s supposed to be some kind of moral authority on Family Values?

15. Chrissie Fucking Hynde. No, what you were wearing and what you had to drink that night were NOT responsible for all those bikers gang-raping you. What was responsible? Those fucking bikers who gang-raped you. I mean hell, Chrissie: You even said they were wearing badges and shit saying “I love rape”. They were advertising the fact that they are rapists, and you think women should blame themselves for THAT? Unfuck your head, already.


16. Donald Fucking Trump. This is a pre-candidate for the presidency of the United States? This thin-skinned rage addict who gets on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s case for comparing him unfavorably to the only worthwhile pre-candidate of any party, namely Bernie Sanders? Anyone who would vote for him is a drooling slack-jawed goober. This is not even a political amateur; he’s the belligerent drunk whose uncouth ass is about to get bounced from the pub. And I believe the greater US public’s exact line would be “You’re FIRED!”

17. Tara Fucking Monroe. Driving a Barbie kiddie-car after your licence was suspended for refusing a breathalyzer, and not riding your bike like your own parents told you to? Incredibly immature. But really, what better can one expect from someone who went to a Waka Flocka concert, anyway?

18. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Whereas the NDP has more than 40% women on their slate, the Liberals…are one big sausagefest. Justin, get some female candidates, already!

19. Peter Fucking Bucklitsch. Why?


That’s why. Calling a dead kid’s parents “greedy” and “queue jumpers”, just because these refugees weren’t walking skeletons in rags, is one helluva vile wank. And quite typical for the neo-Nazis of UKIP, too.

20. Jeffrey Fucking Atherton. Meanwhile, in Tennessee, a judge has decided that if gay people can get married, ain’t no one gonna get a divorce. Logic? Try and find it. Just more of those Repugnican Family Values™ in action, folks.

21, 22 and 23. Allan Fucking Candelore, Rich Fucking Allison, and Alfred Fucking Rava. Because why should women ever get a leg up in the tech industry as CEOs, as long as there are fucking Menz Rightzers to pull them right back down again, crying “discrimination” all the way because someone dared to host a women-only business conference for them. Yup, that’s right: The most unoppressed group in the history of ever is having another lovely hissyfit because an actual oppressed group made a bid for some small step towards parity. Let’s hope their suit gets laughed out of court. And that #23 — the shyster representing #21 and #22 — gets disbarred and stripped of his law licence for his frivolous, malicious conduct.

24. Roger Fucking Hunt. Never mind that no one plays sports with their crotch. This idiotic wank thinks that trans athletes need to submit to a pants check before being cleared to play. I suggest he get his head examined instead; it seems to me that he’s just a wee bit incompetent. (And possibly a pervert, too.)

25. Stephen Fucking Harper. Why?


That’s why. Just one more reason to give him the heave-ho in October, eh?

26 and 27. Tim Fucking Kelly and Tara Fucking Mack. Once more, with feeling: Don’t join Ashley Madison; just get elected to your state legislature as a Repugnican. Then you get to exchange…uh…”documents”! In parked cars, out in the boonies! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

28. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Hey Roosh: That DDOS attack your site suffered? Was a wake-up call from Karma, telling you to cut the PUA shit and the “neomasculinity” crap, and GET A REAL FUCKING JOB, YOU WORTHLESS SHITSTAIN.

29. Nathan Fucking Davis. Nepotism, anyone? Why the hell was #1’s son allowed to work in the same office as his mother? Surely that constitutes some kind of infraction, does it not? At any rate, he’s the only one of six deputy clerks in that office to deny same-sex couples marriage licences. Which proves that the religious fanatics are in the minority there.

30. Matt Fucking Staver. And of course, it wouldn’t be a weekly wankapedia without some projection on the part of a religious persecutor, and a full fucking Godwin violation, to boot. No, Kim Fucking Davis is NOT a Jew being sent to the gas chambers; if anything, she’s more like the fucking Gestapo. But at least, in this case, there’s no real power to back her up; just a bunch of shysters who obviously got their law degrees from diploma mills. And their history lessons from a charlatan.


And finally, to the biggest slackers of all: the 1%ers. Whose wealth, next year, is slated to surpass that of the remaining 99% of us. Did they work for it? NOPE. They threw people out of work, underpaid the rest who are now in fear for their jobs. Time to make them fear for THEIR cushy, unearned position in life, eh?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: As(s)h(o)ley Madison


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Ashley Madison data dump? It truly is the gift that keeps on giving, because it’s flushing assholes out right and right-er. Strangely, I’m not finding any mentions of people from the left on it, probably because they tend to be cooler all around, and have the happier relationships to prove it. Mostly, it’s just purity culturists and hypocrites and crapitalists getting busted, and frankly, that’s fine with me. Because those people are assholes, and it’s only meet and right that the whole world know it. Know who else is getting outed as an asshole this week? These people, in no particular order:

1. Paul Fucking Elam. Bitter, Party of One? I’m guessing that Paulie’s having trouble with his live-in girlfriend, the one he mooches off of, and resents having to give her regular injections of (cough) “poon” in order to keep the goodies flowing. Why else would he be shitting all over Valentine’s Day six months later (or earlier, as the case may be)? PS: Yup, Paulie’s still bitter about last year’s big exposé of his little MRAsshat shindig in GQ, too. And still plotting his revenge against Jeff Sharlet, who wrote that piece. Give it the fuck UP, Paulie! You really don’t need to make a bigger loser of yourself than you already are.

2. Doug Fucking Ford. More bland nastiness in the federal Conservatives? Worse than Harpo, even? Don’t laugh. Dougie’s seriously considering it, and you wouldn’t want to see Tweedledee get mad. Frod Nation is considering going nationwide, never dreaming that Harpo has already ruined their dreams of “nationhood” forever, because the next PM of Canada won’t be a Harpocrite, or a Frod, or anyone in SupposiTory blue at all.

3. Jeb Fucking Bush. And speaking of bland nastiness, how about Dubya’s little brother? One of his showpiece laws for the state of Florida was a “Scarlet Letter” law requiring women who’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock to slut-shame themselves, since none of their friends, family or neighbors seem to be interested in doing so anymore. It worked about as well as such laws could be expected to do…that is, it backfired spectacularly. And then there’s the fact that Jebby has chosen to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina by marking it with the man responsible for FEMA’s worst fuckup ever, and over a thousand deaths. Oh, and just get a load of him courting the very worst ‘wingers of all — the flibbertigibbertarians! For the love of Bog, Jebby — pack it in, go back to Kennebunkport, and never darken the door of a political office again! PS: No, really, Jebby — SHUT UP. (Or, on second thought, debate that with #4, who is Asian. I’ve been dying to see a good food-fight.)

4. Piyush Fucking Jindal. Why?


That’s why. He’s the ultimate anchor baby come to no good in Amurrica.

5. Jed Fucking Smock. Is it just me, or does this guy remind you, too, of this old Bloom County ‘toon? I guess we now know who the Snorklewacker really is.

6. Theodore Fucking Beale. First Rule of Pratfalls: When proven a prat, claim that was your whole whiny-ass point. And then flip over the chessboard, shit on everything, and strut away cawing. Then do it again. And again. And again. And AGAIN.

7 and 8. Chris Fucking Christie and Ted Fucking Cruz. Both of them decided to pile onto Jimmy Carter when he was down with cancer, just to score cheap points with redneck voters. They’re the Bobbsey Twins of Boordom, no doubt about it.

9. Josh Fucking Duggar. Sure must be awkward when your own brother-in-law thinks you’re scum, eh?

10 and 11. These two fucking morons right here:


Between the theocratic pseudo-endorsement and the awfully premature election result call, this is so much stoopid that Jesus has just run out of face to palm.

12. Penelope Fucking Trunk. Don’t know who she is. Don’t read her. Don’t think I want to. The idea of a company “owning” a person to the point where their life and/or health suffers is not something to be encouraged or celebrated by any writer as a business practice. What’s next, a paean to slavery?

13 and 14. Andrew Fucking Auernheimer and Gavin Fucking McInnes. Ooooooo! Food fight on the “alt” right! What’s the “alt right”, you ask? Oh, just a bunch of racist, sexist, everything-phobic fucking hipsters bombed on “craft” wood alcohol who think Adolf Fucking Hitler was Adolf Fucking HIPSTER, because he was into mass genocide before it was cool. Watch these two wannabe machos going at it, slapping each other silly — or sillier, if that’s even possible — on the tweeter. It’s sheer comedy GOLD, I tellz ya.

15. Danny Fucking Dannels. He must make the (defective) nail polish! It is being demanded of him! It is his life’s work! He is an athlete, a scholar, a musician, an artist and a maker, a fighter…jeez, what is this guy not? Well, I notice that he didn’t say he was a properly trained cosmetic chemist. Which is kind of an important thing to be, if you make nail polish and want to keep your customers coming back for more — as opposed to, say, banning them for complaining about your shitty product. Because, funnily, it’s kind of important for them to have fingernails that don’t rot right off their hands, you know?


16. John Fucking McAfee. The Ashley Madison hack was the work of a lone woman, claims the clown prince of drug-addled (and murderous) cyber-security experts. How does he know? Simple, he says — the hack manifesto contained “emotional language”! Oh, like men don’t get emotional? How then to explain the fact that most of the emo-kids on that sad-sack site for failed poonhounds were male, huh? And the fact that any female insider would have not only known that, but most likely been amused by the shortage of real female users, because she probably keyed in the fake female user data herself?

17. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. D’oh! For a moment there, it looked like Roosh V had finally grown a smidgen of self-awareness. NOPE! Instead of realizing he can’t go on using his “forum” to breed misogynists, he simply tells his commentariat to tone down the use of animated .gifs in the event of a mass shooting by one of his shitbird followers, when the media will turn its harsh spotlights on his site. As though they’re only going to be looking for dancing doodles, and not, say, Roosh’s own justifications for the kind of violence he and his followers wreak on the regular.

18.Zach Fucking Farnam. Ever wonder why women don’t trust cops? Here’s a broad hint: When they can’t stop talking about your boobs on the job, and even leave you inadvertent voicemails to that effect, along with other uncomplimentary shit, well…would YOU trust them?

19. Chris Fucking Alexander. Hard questions about bad immigration policies? Bob, weave, dodge and leave. True SupposiTory transparency, QED.


20. Owen Fucking Labrie, again. Not so much for getting off rather lightly with a misdemeanor sexual assault charge (as opposed to felony rape), but for the truly unbelievable excuse he made that got him off. “Divine inspiration”? Funnily, the victim didn’t see evidence of any such. As she tells it, he DID penetrate her, and did not leave the room without having done so. And the physical and DNA evidence show as much, too. Strangely, “divine inspiration” did not make her injuries OR his semen disappear.

21. Kim Fucking Davis. Yes, go right ahead and make an asshole of yourself. Make a federal case of your unwillingness to do your job. Just don’t be surprised when your case gets thrown out, because it fucking deserves to be. And so do you. If you can’t issue marriage licences impartially, you’re not fit to be issuing them at all. And your job deserves to go to someone who can and WILL do it. PS: Ha, ha.

22. Noel Fucking Biderman. Get out while the getting’s good, eh? And also before anybody has a chance to demand a refund on their Ashley Madison accounts, which obviously went nowhere AND weren’t being deleted when clients asked (and PAID) for them to be. If you ever needed any more proof that greed isn’t good, here’s one CEO who proved it with pretty much everything he’s done in his working life. PS: And if you wonder why I feel no pain at hearing the company’s in trouble, read this. The company is built on misogyny; it’s not a bug, it’s a fucking FEATURE.


23. Fucking Subway. They knew about Jared Fucking Fogle’s kid-diddling predilections for YEARS and sat on them. Meanwhile, on their website, actual children played the (since removed) “Jared’s Pants” game, which was already creepy as hell. Especially considering that he was probably using his “foundation” not to promote healthy eating, as intended, but to lure underage girls into the spider’s web…all while disbursing next to NO actual money for charitable purposes. Dear Gods, there goes my appetite.

24. Jonathan Fucking Saenz. Anti-LGBT fanaticism just doesn’t get any meaner, pettier, uglier or more hyperbolic. Yeah, I can’t imagine why your wife left you for another woman, dude. Nice to see you’re not a bit bitter about it, either.

25. Josh Fucking Duggar. The more I hear about how his Quiverfull cult-family is “handling” his many and varied perversions, the more convinced I am that they are nothing more than enablers and abettors of it all. Because not only is his “rehab” program a sham, it’s actually a cover-up program…for high-profile bible-thumping cultists caught with their pants down. And the molesters are actually running that show, so it’s hardly surprising that it does nothing to actually rehabilitate anyone. Let’s hope it does nothing to rehabilitate their public image, either.

And finally, to all the whiny fucking Red Pillocks who claim that the reason there were so few women on Ashley Madison is because all we have to do to cheat is “merely exist”. WRONG. There are fewer women on there because the site was aimed quite specifically at men, and its ads reflect its misogynist bias, as do its settings. And also because fewer women are actually inclined to cheat in the first place. Why is that, you ask? Because (duh), we are not taught to view men as our servitors or our sexual playthings. And we don’t have a madonna/whore complex when it comes to the menfolks, either. The opposite, in short, of how things are for the poor, beleaguered, self-centred idiots who signed up for that fucking site in the fist place. They may not have gotten any nookie out of it, but they sure as hell got what they had coming. And if they couldn’t see it coming, they have no one but themselves to blame. The whole FOMO about how “life is short” and one should therefore “have an affair” is kind of ridiculous when you consider how few people are actually doing so.
Good night, and get fucked*!
*or don’t, as the case may be. Ha, ha.

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Wankers of the Week: Lying Pieces of Shit


Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, the wankapedia is back. Why? So much fucking wank, why else? So, with no further ado, and in no particular order, this week we have:

1 and 2. Nia and Sam Fucking Rader. So, God staged a pregnancy AND a miscarriage, all inside of one week? A pregnancy so early that it couldn’t possibly have a heartbeat, “had a heartbeat”? (And Sam, who’s presumably a nurse, didn’t know that human embryos don’t have heartbeats before the sixth week post-conception, at the earliest? Back to nursing school with you, and this time pay attention in embryology, dude!) And God faked it all in order to get subscribers to a shitty YouTube channel by two not-so-good-looking morons with a sappy religious message to push? Oh wait, no, God doesn’t work that way. Only lying humans do. And Karma is about to bite these two awfully hard in the wallet. PS: Oh, and Sam? God hasn’t forgiven you yet. Have you forgotten that She has internet access?

3. Ben Fucking Schoen. No, Hitler did not invent feminism, he was very much against it. (He also didn’t have any good ideas; ask any German how they REALLY feel about the Autobahn and all the wild-eyed freaks they have to dodge on it.) And no, you did not do more for women’s rights than anyone. You hardly did a thing, and what you did do, was pretty much cancelled out by the fact that you went ballistic on not just one, but several young women who didn’t want to get involved with you. And who can blame them? Dude, you need help. Or a Fleshlight. Oh hell, why not both? Just leave the girls in peace, already.

4. Jared Fucking Fogle. Not only does he think middle-school girls are hot, it seems that he has actually paid to rape a number of them. AND he’s as guilty of kiddie porn possession as the dude from his charitable foundation who had the stuff on his office computer. Also, Subway footlongs are…drumroll please…LESS than a foot long. Yup, been a bad week for sammitches and the grinning shits who claim they’re diet food. PS: Oh, holy SHIT! How many years has he been getting away with sexual abuse of children? And how many do you suppose he’s done it to in all that time? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little…nope, make that I know I did. A LOT.


5. Josh Fucking Duggar. Not only is he a sister-molester, he’s also a would-be marriage cheat. Fortunately for his long-suffering wife, he signed on with Ashley Madison…which, as everyone knows, has virtually no real women on the membership roster. Unfortunately for said wife, we don’t yet know where else he’s been trolling for bored ladies. (Who, I’m sure, would be even MORE bored if they had to spend a night with him at the No-Tell Mo-Tel.) PS: Oh look, he can’t even keep his apology straight…or take full responsibility. Really, Josh — blaming SATAN? And deleting all mention of the porn which no doubt fed your actions? Just be fucking accountable for what you did, already. PS: Oh Anna, NO. Tell your mother-in-law to STFU, just this once! And get a divorce lawyer. You’re gonna need one sooner than you think. PPS: AHAHAHAHA!

6. Owen Fucking Labrie. Newsflash, junior: No girl ASKS to be raped, and least of all as part of an “unofficial tradition” in which guys compete to see who can fuck the most younger (and probably underage) girls. Know how I know? Because nobody wants to be a fucking object, duh. Much less just another orifice to be used and abused. PS: Ugh, how horrid.

7 and 8. Jim Bob and Michelle Fucking Duggar. Yup, not only is their oldest son a royal fuckup (again!) this week, but so are these two fuckups who we wish had never fucked (let alone enough times to produce nearly two dozen even more fucked-up kids). Scrambling for cash since their show was cancelled, the Quiverfullers are now pitching a “new” show to TLC, starring (of course) themselves, this time as “Christian sexual abuse counsellors”! I shudder to think what kind of “counselling” will be on offer, and fear that it will, literally, be a how-to guide for dudes looking to sexually abuse dudettes in the name of Jesus. Or a slut-shaming/victim-blaming guide. Same thing, really.


9. Donald Fucking Trump. No, you are not the goddamn Batman. You are the goddamn Donald. You’re a cranky old coot with a fourth-grade vocabulary and a third-rate mind who shouldn’t be running a popsicle stand, much less a real-estate conglomerate…and certainly not for public office. Now siddown and shuddup. PS: No, really. Shut. The FUCK. UP.

10. Vicki Fucking Pate. How better to make clear that black lives don’t matter than to go after a Black Lives Matter activist, claiming that he’s “really” white, and therefore a liar whose activism is to be doubted forevermore, along with the rest of that entire movement? Never mind the fact that he’s really biracial, and therefore, the liar is you. And the idiots at Bitefart, too, who believed your racist lie and ran with it.

11. Stephen Fucking Harper. Because you just KNOW that someone had to have okayed those “Nice hair, Justin” attack ads, and everyone knows Harpo’s a total control freak. Nobody in the Conservative party farts without his express permission. And everyone also knows how much Aqua Net goes into that cast-iron helmet of his every fucking day.


12. Mark Fucking Gremaud. Nice to know that male politicians are only good for one thing: Making lewd remarks designed to put female colleagues in what these lowlives think is “their place”. Nicer still to know that the Internet makes due note of everything, and never forgets. (See #1.)

13. Gene Fucking Simmons. Somehow, I’m not surprised to learn that he’s under investigation for a download of kiddie porn at his house. The only thing that does surprise me is that anyone is taking his “I didn’t do it” seriously. Everybody knows that this “man” (and I use the term loosely) will stick his dick into anything female that catches his eye, and that he likes ’em awfully young.

14. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. No, Debbie, you know who’s a fucking cancer? You are. And so are all your little ass-barnacles who rejoiced to hear that Jimmy Carter is ill. And there’s not enough chemo in the world to turn you into anything which is not malignant.


15. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Oh, teh poor widdle menz, they can’t get no more respects! “Respects”, in this case, meaning the right to claim entire army corps as girl-cootie-free zones. The world is going to hell in a handbasket! Well, Andi, I suggest you rectify this situation by quitting your day job (you’re no damn good at it anyway), tearing up your high-school diploma, college degree (from a diploma mill, no doubt), driver’s licence and voter registration, and doing what you so tastefully called the “horizontal hula” with your hubby, and then making him nothing but fucking sammitches all day. Then teh menz will be properly respected once more.

16. Gilles Fucking Guibord. Who? Oh, just another shitty, racist Conservative who says all kinds of shitty, racist Conservative things. And who is now no longer the shitty, racist Conservative candidate for a certain riding in Montréal. Oh, and guess what? He’s an ex-Péquiste, too. Double-shitty, racist, etc.!

17. Ted Fucking Cruz. So, is anyone besides me marvelling at the irony-meter-destroying chutzpah of an immigrant not only thinking he gets to run for president of the US, but also on a platform of pressing undocumented immigrants (because nobody is illegal, stupidfuck) into SLAVERY? I guess we shouldn’t be too shocked, though; after all, ol’ Ted is descended from slave-driving gusano stock that got run out of Cuba by the Brothers Castro and their anti-slavery brigades. He’s just getting nostalgic for the Bad Old Days!


18. John Fucking McCain. And speaking of Bad Old Days, what is this nasty coot doing still alive? Jeez, John, just retire and tell the undocumented Mexicans you hired to mow your lawn to get off it, already. (They’re also more native to Arizona than you are.)

19. Rick Fucking Wilson. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. You actually made me feel sorry for the fucking Coultergeist. And it’s a cold day in Hades that I would ever feel anything other than pure, undiluted contempt for her. You haven’t just sunk to her level of class, though — you’ve scraped through the bottom of the barrel and are now well on your way to China. Feel proud!

20. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Yes, I realize that this wank happened more than a week ago. I just thought that you might like to see how well a famously horrid (and unwashed) pickup artist’s “seduction” techniques, as demonstrated on his paltry four-country “world tour”, really work. I’m guessing Roosh left that bar smelling better than he did going in. Also note the lovely bit towards the end, where Roosh doesn’t find his ‘nads until he’s behind a closed door — and only then does he finally let his fingers do the talking. Funnily, though, when invited to perform cunnilingus, Roosh actually chickens out! PS: Roosh also didn’t do so well in Toronto, although he seemed to think his paltry takings from a “workshop” (in a cheap motel in Mississauga, which is not Toronto proper, and hardly the Royal York) were still worth bragging about. Well, yeah, if he couch-surfed here as he did in Ukraine, I guess he may have actually broken even. For a perennial loser, that is quite the victory.


And finally, to Earl Fucking Cowan. Yes, that’s right, AngryCon, the man who called the media “lying pieces of shit” for reporting what’s really going on behind closed Senate doors. Since none of it is flattering to his thin-skinned role model, Stephen Fucking Harper, of course he’s mad. And reacting the exact way Harpo would react if he were less of a shitweasel himself. And when asked by the media — oh sorry, “lying pieces of shit” to confirm whether or not he’s the Old Yeller, of course he tried to hijack the discourse with a statement not to be criticized or commented upon, which the Toronto Star refused to publish. And when that attempt predictably failed, guess what he called them? Yup, more of the same. Congrats, Earl, you’re just like Harpo. Right down to the evasiveness. And the tetchiness. And oh yes, the nasty.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Ebola on a Plane!


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians. And a crappy Indigenous People’s Day, too. Not flying? Good, because the last thing you want is to be stuck in a plane with someone with Ebola fever. Or even some cranky jokester who only claims he has it. (Dude is lucky that no air marshals shot him, if you ask me.) And here are some other people that I wouldn’t want to be on a plane with:

1. Brian Fucking Hamilton. When you pull someone over during a traffic stop, you’re supposed to be policing their driving, not their religion. And you’re supposed to read them their rights, not wave church pamphlets under their noses. If you can’t do the job you were hired to do, then lose the badge and let someone else do it.

2. Jordan Fucking Owen. Everything’s a conspiracy, even totally normal English language constructions! They’re hipmatism! HIPMATISM, I tellz ya! Dude, why can’t you just admit that you got nothin’ on Anita Sarkeesian, and cut your damn losses already? It would cost you a buttload less effort than you’re currently expending on trying (and failing) to prove that she’s some kind of sinister manipulator.

3. Davis Fucking Aurini. Meanwhile, #2’s partner in conspiracy kookery has decided that all women are truly bitches. Fickle, flitting bitches. Who clearly don’t recognize a good thing when they see it. Except that we totally do, and we just don’t see it in HIM, because he fairly exudes slimy douchitude. And that sort of thing just makes us all want to flit the hell away.


4. Satya Fucking Nadella. Women in tech, listen to your guru: Lean out! Don’t ask for raises. Don’t ask for any kind of recognition of your talents and contributions at all. Go home, go back to your kitchen, and make somebody a sandwich. And if it’s this guy, don’t forget to take your chocolate Ex-Lax and be sure to spread the resulting “Nutella” carefully on the bread. PS: Or you could just sign this.

5. Hank Fucking Greenberg. Basically, what Jon Stewart said. Fuck you, and fuck the $184 billion bailout you rode in on.

6. John Fucking Hembling. Oh, oh. What have we here? A drama llama pooping on the living room carpet? Infighting at A Voice For Mangry Morons? Sure smells like it. And suddenly, just like that, John the Bother is out of the He-Man Woman Haters’ Club treehouse. Ha, ha.

7. Chaim Fucking Weiss. If you wonder why nobody likes Israel anymore, just look at what kind of supporters they have. This one decided to disrupt midnight prayers at the local mosque with loud music. In the name of Israel, of course. And now he’s a convicted crook. Shabbat Shalom, you little shit.


8. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yup, it’s been a banner week for pickup assholes, as evidenced by the oh-so-witty dude who calls himself, laughably, “Heartiste” (FARTiste, more like it). His latest conversational gambit? When rejected by a woman, insult her in true seventh-grade fashion and feign elaborate disinterest. And, bonus: When mocked by your male betters, call them panty-sniffers. In short, project like mad. Because really, what IS a PUA if not a constant (and usually futile) seeker of ladies’ underwear as trophies?

9. Eron Fucking Gjoni. Hey! Remember that dude who sicked the howling hellhounds of 4chan on his ex-girlfriend for having the temerity to dump his ass? Well, he’s still at it. And he’s still bitter. And still not shutting up about it. He’s even gotten a bunch of his idiot supporters to crowdfund his legal fees. (Or tried to; it got taken down.) And now she’s taken out a restraining order against him, one that includes a gag clause. But is he shutting up, like any sensible person ought to? Well, in a one-word tweet, straight from the horse’s ass: “Nah”. If that’s not proof of an orchestrated harassment campaign, I don’t know what is.

10. Morgan Fucking Brittany. Hey! Remember whatsername from that old nighttime soap, Dallas? No? Thought not. Well, you’ll be happy to know that she’s still just as irrelevant as ever, and is now a right-wing dreck-scribbler. But I repeat myself.


11. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, Hucky Fudd, please do take your ball and go home. It’s not as though you’re still relevant anyhow. Not even in the Repugnican party, which is, God knows, totally irrelevant as it is.

12. Doug Fucking Ford. Here’s a pro tip, Dougie (not that you’d ever take it, but hey): When tempted to generalize about other people, of whatever religion, color or ethnicity, DON’T. Just DON’T. (And don’t try to make it out to be “respect”, either.)

13. Paul Fucking Callan. If you think that police brutality in the US doesn’t have a racist component, you have to be living under a pretty large rock. Or a pretty damn large plastic bubble. Do yourself a favor and come out from under. Admitting the nature of the problem is the first step toward actually addressing it.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, the RoFoDoFoShitShow is still on, and Tweedledee is not Frod Nation’s only wanker this week. Even though largely out of commission, Robbo has still managed to pull off a conflict of interest. One devoutly wishes these guys would go back to the business sector, where they clearly belong, and leave governing to those who can actually do the damn job, already.


15. Mitt Fucking Romney. It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Mittens, but I’m sure you’re glad to know that HE is still wanking, too. And that he actually commited voter fraud — you know, that same thing the Repugs have been oh-so-concerned about since, oh, at least the Great Florida Election Theft of 2000?

16. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Might as well treat them as a single unit, since that’s how they act, eh? And this week, they had the temerity to try to dictate how members of the media — specifically, Rachel Maddow, who doesn’t take marching orders from anyone — are to report on their (mis)deeds. And yes, it went about as well as you’d expect it to. Which is to say, NOT AT ALL. Ha, ha.

17. Bill Fucking Maher. Kudos to Ben Affleck for handing him his ass over his (and his guests’) Islamophobia. And oh yeah, Bill? You’re also full of shit about the “dictating what you can write or draw” bit. I’ve known this for at least eight years. When are YOU gonna learn?


18. Scott Fucking Walker. Yes, it’s been a while since I last listed Little Scotty Wanker. But since he decided to oblige me this week by insisting that you can live on $7.25 an hour, I figured that the very least I could do is oblige him right back.

19. Stephen Fucking Collins. He’s not a wholesome family-man type; he just plays one on TV. Correction: PLAYED. And now that image is forever a thing of the past, because it turns out this wholesome family-man type is, in fact, Chester the Child Molester.

20. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Holy fucking shit, is she ever racist. And delusional. And seriously, desperately in need of a good retirement.


And finally, to the Fucking Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Apparently, branding everything pink “for the cure” is so much more important than, you know, actually FINDING the cure. Or, for that matter, preventing breast cancer, which is very preventable. And one surefire means of prevention? NOT DRINKING WATER CONTAMINATED WITH FRACKING CHEMICALS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Yes, that’s right: Komen is teaming up with water-polluting, cancer-causing frackers. “For the cure”. With drill bits covered in pink paint, which also isn’t good for the environment, or breast tissue. How the hell that is supposed to help get us any nearer a cure, I do not know. But it sure puts everyone a whole lot closer to getting cancer themselves. As I so often say: Fracking isn’t a euphemism; it’s an obscenity.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Hong Kong Phooey


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to the people of Hong Kong, who are clamoring for democracy for the first time in their collective history. Hope you folks get it, as both imperialism and (so-called) communism haven’t exactly done the job for you. I still remember how your brothers and sisters on the mainland tried in Tiananmen Square, a quarter of a century ago. Better luck this time, eh? And no luck at all to the following, who are definitely the authors of their own misfortune:

1. Camille Fucking Paglia. Hooray, the contrarian antifeminist idiotess has squawked up again. This time, it’s a mangled mess of stranger-danger clichés and slut-shaming arglebargle. If you go out into the woods, beware of the red glowing eyes…of wild Stoopid.

2. Vinny Fucking Minchillo. Yes, dear, we all know that Repugs are people. The problem is, they are deeply, darkly prejudiced and stupid people. A PR campaign won’t help them with that.

3. Steven Fucking Rhodes. If Detroit’s people have no right to water, then neither do you. Somebody, come quick and cut the judge’s pipes so he finally understands the enormity of the issue he just ruled on.


4. Vinod Fucking Khosla. You know you’re way deep in the wrong when you force no less than the governor of California himself to come down and open the beach you’ve tried to close. Dude, you are not invincible. You cannot command the tides. Even King Knut couldn’t do that.

5. Terry Fucking Mahan. Oh, Florida Man! Oh, Florida Cop! What would a wank-list be without you and your endless paranoid stupidity?

6. Bob Fucking Zimmerman. And speaking of Florida Man, Florida (wannabe) Cop, and paranoid stupidity, how about Georgie-Porgie’s dad? Georgie’s now so fucking stupidly paranoid that he’s probably gonna go down shooting cops. And all because people won’t forget that he got away with murder the night he shot some innocent black kid for coming home from the convenience store with a can of tea and a bag of Skittles…

7 and 8. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Surprise! The Kochtopus has many tentacles. But it also has thin skin, and a lot of gas trapped inside it. Would sure be a shame if someone pricked it with a pin, eh? PS: Ha, ha.


9. Jessa Fucking Duggar. Evolution caused the Holocaust! Abortion is just like the Holocaust, too! Figures that a Duggar would have such an unoriginal, idiotic “epiphany” at the Holocaust Museum, while blatantly ignoring the fact that it wasn’t “evolution”, it was CHRISTIAN ANTISEMITISM that’s really responsible. If you ever doubted that Quiverfull homeschooling makes you stupid, doubt no more. Because this “epiphany” is in fact one of their key dim-witted tenets. As is the one about the “Great Flood” causing fossils…again, WRONG. You don’t get hundreds of millions of years’ worth of evolutionary record in one forty-day fucking flood.

10. Kevin Fucking Williamson. And speaking of abortion, holocausts and Teh Stoopid: How about the National Review’s resident monster? He would rather see women hang for aborting a pregnancy than be allowed to go on living, let alone a normal life, possibly going on to have children later, or raising those they have already. He doesn’t care how many lives are destroyed or ruined, as long as women get punished for opposing “God’s will”! I guess this whole “sanctity of life” thing only applies to fetuses, eh?

11. John Fucking Devine. Since when is it the churches’ job to dictate to the state how to make laws? Since, oh, about NEVER. But thanks for reminding us yet again what a menace to society you right-wing theocrats all are.


12. Alykhan Fucking Velshi. Why couldn’t Paul Calandra give a coherent answer to Thomas Mulcair’s questions last week in the House of Commons? Oh, maybe because Israel’s hasbara stooge on the Hill was feeding him a line of pro-Israel bullshit to spout as a distraction from Harpo’s plans to follow Dubya straight into disaster. Or maybe it’s because little Aly, like our next wanker, is an “Ethical Oil” booster with a right-wing agenda to tout. One question that I’m sure none of them can answer is this, though: WHY THE HELL IS ISIL NOT MENACING ISRAEL INSTEAD OF IRAQ AND SYRIA??? One would think that if they wanted a REAL Islamic Caliphate, Jerusalem would be the natural first stop, no?

13. Ezra Fucking Levant. How convenient that his media mouthpiece has apologized for him to the Trudeau family. Now the Putz won’t have to!

14. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Oh, now he’s trying to play the “Jews killed Jesus” bit off as a joke! Except, ha ha, the joke’s on him. That line is exactly what right-wing Christians of every stripe believe. And also too — it’s not fucking funny in the least.


15. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh, da poor widdle baybee. He actually has to wipe his own ass and clean boogers out of his nose just to be minimally unrepulsive to those (undoubtedly very beleaguered and hunted-looking) women he’s trying to pick up. No, I am NOT shitting you. Men who expect women to like their stinky skidmarks are an actual thing in the wankosphere!

16. George W. Fucking Bush. Sounds like Dubya’s miffed that His Barackness hasn’t called him on the fine art of War Preznitting. Awww, sniff, too bad!

17. Larry Fucking Craig. It seems like forever since he last took that wide stance. And yet, it hasn’t been nearly long enough. Pretty sure that campaign funds were NOT meant to cover one’s legal costs for being a bathroom butthead.


18. Charlie Fucking Sheen. Throwing a rapey-ass spit-fit at the dentist’s? Either this is some kind of new low for this chronic cokehead, or it’s a whole new kind of Winning™.

19. Christopher Fucking Noone. And speaking of whole new kinds of…something, how about the Sovereign Shittizens? They’re now getting so desperate in their reach for legalistic evasions that they’re even claiming never to have been born!

20. Leung Fucking Chai-yan. Yeah, go ahead and tear down your Facebook page, “princess”. The Internets have long memories, just like the Chinese people. And just like the people of Hong Kong, who are not amused by your lack of taste when it comes to all the crap their tax money is helping your daddy to buy.


And finally, to the Fucking Repugs of North Carolina. Yes, ALL of you. Because if you don’t want anyone being registered to vote, the real question is, WHY THE HELL DOES YOUR PARTY EVEN FUCKING EXIST? And if this is the best you can do to keep people from voting for anyone who isn’t wholly owned or subsidized by Big Fucking Bidness, you don’t deserve to be a party anymore. Or ever again. Considering what the people of Hong Kong are doing just to obtain democracy for the first time ever, doesn’t it embarrass you even a wee bit to have something in common with the shitty totalitarian capitalist oligarchs ruling that island?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Emmagate?


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, looks like the 4chan has hit the fan again. This time, though, the hoax is on them: it looks like the “Emma You’re Next” site is just a “viral” PR scam. And the “company” responsible doesn’t even exist. But how totally typical, eh? Threaten a bright young woman with something bogus, then pretend you’re really after those who would do such a shitty thing. Wouldn’t surprise me if “Rantic” was just a product of 4chan itself. It has that general odor of things pulled from an arse. And so do the following, in no particular order:

1. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Not only is she dumber than dog droppings, she also can’t see very well. Giving Phyllis Fucking Schlafly credit for ending the Cold War is WTF enough on its own, but saying she’s “personally brilliant” and “physically gorgeous”? If Ol’ Phyl was ever pretty, it was obviously long before my time; she’s had that dowdy, sprayed-down roller-set for as long as I’ve seen her crabby face. Which is TOO long. Time to drag this one to the eye doctor.

2. Todd Fucking Gibson. When will pervy teachers ever learn that just because the objects of their unwanted attention are teenage girls, it doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to screenshot a dickpic on Snapchat? Dumb, dumb, pervy teachers!

3. Grace Ann Fucking Whatever. Yeah, I know, that’s probably NOT her real name. I know I wouldn’t attach mine to a bad, religiously-motivated rewrite of Harry Potter, either. Especially since J.K. Rowling’s lawyer is not apt to be amused.


4. Ezra Fucking Levant. After insulting the entire Trudeau clan (including the late right honorable PM, who can’t defend himself) over a very innocent wedding photo session with Justin Trudeau (to which he was invited by the bridal party), suddenly the putz is left with egg on his face. I can hardly wait for the abject apology…but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.

5. Bill Fucking Frezza. When frat boys deliberately ply female party guests with booze to get them leglessly drunk (and consentlessly into bed), the problem isn’t the drunk girls. The problem is FRATS. Why the hell do they even exist? And why did Forbes have a staff writer whose job, it seems, consisted largely of defending them (and even PROMOTING their misuse of alcohol)?

6. Kira Fucking Kazantsev. And while we’re on the subject of “Why the hell do frats even exist?”: WTF is up with Miss America? And shouldn’t her sketchy sorority history have been a huge red flag for pageant organizers? And also…why the hell do beauty pageants still exist?

7. Arya Fucking Toufanian. Well, looks like the rapey dirtbag who gave us “I’m Shmacked”…is sacked. Ha, ha.


8. George Fucking Brown. Bad enough that cops rape people. But telling the victims to “follow the law”? Um, shouldn’t it be the COPS? After all, the law says “don’t rape”…

9. Alisha Fucking Hessler. Yeah, surprise: “Jasmine Tridevil”, the three-breasted woman who got that extra boob because she wanted to be less attractive to men, is a fake. Turns out, she’s a fameball who was hoping to get a TV reality show. Well, now she’s been on reality TV…it’s called JOURNALISM. And she’s famous for all the wrong reasons, too!

10. Kathryn Fucking Knott. So, the police chief’s daughter who assaulted a gay couple turns out to be a raving homophobe whose tweets and texts are full of, well, raving homophobia. Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds?

11. Daniel Fucking Hammer. Surprise! Voyeurism isn’t just a harmless sexual fetish after all. It’s the precursor to something all too predictable. Gee, what are the fuckin’ odds?


12. Sam Fucking Pepper. Pro tip: A prank is something so funny that it makes even the target laugh. What you’re doing isn’t funny, because it makes nobody laugh. That’s why we call it ASSAULT, duh. (Also, UGH, THOSE DOUCHEY CLOTHES!) PS: It gets worse. PPS: MUCH worse.

13. Gretchen Fucking Carlson. Atchoo! Is someone allergic to kids actually exercising their right to free speech? Sure sounds like it. Gesundheit, Gretchen…and please, wipe your nose. All that dripping snot does not a pretty picture make.

14. Joseph Fucking Sciambra. And don’t forget to shout “Bless you!” every time you see a devil fly out a gay guy’s arse, either.

15. Doug Fucking Lamborn. Calling on all the generals to resign is treason, is it not? And yet, that’s exactly what this Repug is doing. And so are others. Can you imagine what they’d have said if Dubya was president and the Dems tried to do this? In any event, so far no generals have taken him up on this. Nobody wants to give up their career for a fuckin’ idiot, I guess.


16. Thomas Fucking Jackson. Oh, NOW he apologizes for the murder of Mike Brown? Too little, too late, too fuckin’ bad. PS: This isn’t exactly helping, either.

17. Vinod Fucking Khosla. He still doesn’t understand what “public access” means? Well, maybe a judicial ruling will finally get him to flip open a dictionary. Ha, ha.

18. Doug Fucking Ford. While I’m not unhappy to see him and John Fucking Tory at each other’s throats, I do think it’s funny to see one rich guy attack another onaccounta he’s rich. Dougie is not exactly a man of the people, no matter how hard he tries to paint himself as such. You want someone who’s the genuine article? Vote for Olivia Chow, who has actually dealt with poverty herself.

19. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Hey, FUX Snoozettes: Stop punching yourselves in the face. Because that’s what you’re doing every time you stick up for the poor, oppressed fratboys who just can’t help setting girls drunk and slipping roofies in their drinks so they can get laid without asking. Idiots.


20. Sarah Fucking Palin. And speaking of oppressed people who ain’t, how about the Paliness and her fellow “Christian” stoopids? When you can’t even remember the address of the White House (1400 Pennsylvania Avenue is a hotel, idiot), it’s time to put down the “truthy” bible and start picking up a book that deals in actual facts.

21. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. White guys can’t sue? WTF? White guys sue more than anybody else. And no, working women don’t have an advantage — they’re being paid 70 cents on a man’s dollar, meaning they can’t fucking afford a lawyer.

22 and 23. Tyler and Alexandra Fucking Craddock. Put a turban on him and a burqa on her, and you wouldn’t be able to tell these ammosexual idiots apart from the Taliban. An irony which, I’m sure, escapes them altogether.

24. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh surprise! Harpo was a no-show at the climate-change summit. And climate change was a no-show when he addressed the United Nations. And so were most of the member countries’ delegates, too.


25 and 26. Greg Fucking Gutfeld and Eric Fucking Bolling. So, Major Mariam al-Mansouri can bomb ISIL, but can she park a plane? Haw haw haw. Boobs on the ground! Haw haw haw. And meanwhile, if you want to know what “boobs on the air” look like, look no further than these two entirely typical FUX Snooze halfwits, who can’t think of anything but a woman fighter pilot’s gazongas, for fuck’s sake.

27. David Fucking Dewhurst. The Mexicans are coming! The Muslims are coming! The Muslims are Mexican! Um…WHAT? Um…NO.

28. Wilson Fucking Robertson. Ah yes, Florida Man! Who else is a bigger bigot, or a wussier wimp, or a more superstitious lump of stoopid, than a Florida county commissioner who walks out because he can’t bear to hear a pagan give the opening prayer at the city council session?

29 and 30. The Fucking Benham Twins. Yes, you are exactly like ISIL victims. No heads, and therefore not a living brain cell between the both of you. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker.


And finally, to the Fucking FBI. Who else, besides wankers on 4chan and Reddit, thinks it’s a BAD idea for Google and Apple to give their users the privacy and security they demand? Holy shit, people, we really can’t tell the cops from the robbers anymore.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Sorry, Scotland.


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy weekend to all the good folks in Scotland, who didn’t get independence after a nail-biting down-to-the-wire vote. Mang, that was rough. And with such high turnout, too. Better luck next time, I hope. Meanwhile, for truly hopeless people who don’t deserve another chance, this week we have, in no particular order:

1. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. “No sometimes means yes”, says the Pigman. Also, he says seduction was once an “art” that got lost when consent entered the picture. An art he clearly knows a great deal about, what with this three failed marriages (Marital Failure #4 still pending) and the fact that his favorite song is “Under My Thumb”, an unambiguous paean to sexist oppression. Oh yeah, and his amaaaaaazing body and full head of hair, too.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. “Blurred Lines”? Huh. More like “Slurred Whines”, amirite? But hey. This is Robin Fucking Thicke we’re talking about. A man who will literally say anything that he thinks will cover his sorry ass. And who just ends up hanging said ass further and further out there for the world to see…and point…and laugh at…and kick…

3. Gina Fucking Miller. I’m sorry, who? Oh. Another right-wing nutteress who took time out from her busy schedule (bashing gays, etc.) to piss on other women for a change. Specifically, all those slutty slut-sluts who refuse to dress like church ladies, and therefore have it coming to them from the likes of Wankers #1 and #2.


4. Sylvia Fucking Thompson. I’m sorry, who? Oh. Another contrarian idiotess who thinks Ray Fucking Rice is the real victim of his own fist smashing his then-fiancée’s face. And that it was really him being dragged caveman-courtship-style out of that elevator too, no doubt.

5. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh, oh. What have we here? Randy Bachman doesn’t want Harpo using his song because it’s a total misrepresentation, and because the Cons have done nothing for musicians, only fucked them over? Let it roll down the highway…and b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-nothin’ yet!

6. Track Fucking Palin. As more and more details of Screech & Co.’s famous family brawl emerge, it turns out that the eldest of Screech and Tawd’s delinquent brood is the instigator. And that he instigated with a crude come-on directed at a couple of married women. Keep it classy, creep. PS: Special dishonorable mention to Mama Grisly herself for actually being proud of her stupid sprogs. Hey Screech, no one cares how good you dumbfucks are at brawling. Get a fucking life!

7. Jim Fucking Bakker. Yup, that’s right! Tammy Faye’s ex, he of the air-conditioned doghouses and the rape of his church secretary, is ba-ack…and selling “survivalist” kits to the gullible right-wing loons out there. Nice to know he hasn’t changed a bit since his glory days of PTL Club chicanery!


8. David Fucking Manning. If he’s not in the closet, I’m a monkey’s aunt. He spends more time obsessing about gay people’s butts than they themselves do! Dave, come on out already. We have cookies!

9 and 10. Jordan Fucking Owen and Davis Fucking Aurini. Oh, surprise! Anita Sarkeesian was telling the truth about the death threats she received for doing nothing more than criticizing lazy, sexist tropes in video games. And now these two would-be documentarians, who so fondly dreamed of “exposing her lies”, are left with no legs to stand on, metaphorically speaking. Reality blew their pins out from under them. But that’s okay, they’ve still got stumps! And so ever onward they shuffle, trailing ribbons of metaphorical blood, declaring that they still have proof that their lies were true! You just can’t help but admire such dogged determination to make asses of themselves. When you’re not too busy snickering, that is.

11. John Fucking Tory. Nice to see that the guy who’s jockeying to replace Robbo in Frod Nation is just as open-minded as Robbo about queerfolks who dare to have an actually progressive opinion on Palestine. And nice to see that he’s willing to hold Pride hostage in order to silence QUAIA, too.

12. Michael Fucking Gayer. Why?


That’s why. When your “war zone” is so placid that it might as well be a dead zone, you’re living in the fucking Twilight Zone.

13. Scott Fucking Lively. No, gay people are not trying to have you murdered. Actually, it’s the other way ’round. You’re the guy who backed all those “Kill the Queers” laws in Africa, remember? And the reason you’re not publishing your travel schedule ahead of time…well…it couldn’t have anything to do with being met by protesters wherever you go, now, could it?

14. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Awwww. Look who’s being forced to give up his tanks and assault weapons, due to incompetence. Those grapes sure are sour, aren’t they?

15. Cliven Fucking Bundy. Oh look, the world’s worst cattle rancher is blaming the state for his own stupid selfishness. He has no business even grazing his herds on public land, but that hasn’t put a dent in his chutzpah! He’s now planning to sue the woman who ran into one of his marauding cows after it got onto the public road. All hat, and nothing but dung inside the head…

16. Doug Fucking Ford. Robbo’s older (and even shadier) brother may have volunteered to take his place on the campaign trail with strange alacrity, but even stranger is the fact that he’s being taken seriously as a candidate when he was frankly shit-awful as a mere city council member. Time to end Frod Nation!


17. James Fucking Wiedmann. Oh look, the Fartiste has just off-gassed again. And this time, it’s quite possibly the worst relationship advice ever, even from that notoriously faily little turd…all about on how to abuse your way into a woman’s heart. Little does he realize that the behaviors he’s claiming are foolproof, are actually foolproof ways to lose a woman for good!

18. Wayne Fucking Gretzky. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. From the Great One of the Edmonton Oilers, to gambling scandals and legendarily vapid idiot offspring, to this. Now he thinks Harpo is “one of the greatest prime ministers ever”? Well, now we know he wasn’t paying attention in social-studies class at school. Either that, or he took too many hits to the head.

19. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Yeah, look who’s talking about integrity. The world’s richest privacy invader and idea-stealer. That muffled ptmpf you just heard was my irony detector imploding. It tends to do that everytime Fuckerberg opens his mouth.

20. Clay Fucking Aiken. Vapid contestant from vapid game show airs vapid ideas about hacking victims deserving what they get. Gee, whatever will he say if someone digs up some embarrassing dirt on him, eh?


And finally, to the Fucking Texas Court of Appeals. Wow, talk about a boner! They actually consider upskirt creepshots to be “free speech”, and the privacy rights of women and children to be Orwellian thoughtcrimes. And even more gobsmackingly, they came to this conclusion upon reviewing the case of a pedophile who took ooky shots of little kids at a public swimming pool. Don’t expect the Texas Legislature to do any better, though. Remember, it’s Texas, where everything’s big…including the fucking stoopid. It’s not Massachusetts, which smartly passed a new law one day after a similarly poor decision.

Good night, and get fucked!

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