News of the Restless A door at the end of a dead-end street…

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, how is everyone enjoying their rat — er, mutton — dressed up as lamb? Gamey enough for ya? Gross enough for ya? Don’t worry, I’ve got a list of pungent stinkers this week that’ll make even the rattiest of ratkabobs seem downright appetizing. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Mark Fucking Sanford. Has somebody got lady problems? I’m frankly amazed that South Carolina was dumb enough to vote for this loon. What are they, chicken?

2. James Fucking Carville. Dude, what are you smoking? Ted Fucking Cruz isn’t talented OR fearless. He’s a carbon copy of Tailgunner Joe McCarthy, and we all know how pants-peeing paranoid HE was.

3. Nina Fucking Easton. Lady, are you on crazy pills? Teen pregnancies should NOT be celebrated; they should be prevented and, more to the point, discouraged. And good luck trying to usher in another Baby Scoop Era. Almost no one voluntarily gives up a child, even when she can ill afford to keep it. Birth control and abortion on demand may not be “heroic”, but at least they don’t consign a girl to motherhood before she’s done with childhood.

4. Newt Fucking Gingrich. This just in: Catholics are oppressed! Well, of COURSE they are. But the oppressor is the church hierarchy, which demands the ridiculous from adherents, and the impossible from the clergy. So spare me the pious bunkum about how the LGBTs are the oppressors. Considering that at one time the church would have burned them at the stake for heresy, there is simply no fucking comparison.

5. Thomas Fucking Tobin. And speaking of Catholics and the oppression of the LGBTs, how about this bishop? Apparently, merely attending a same-sex wedding will harm one’s relationship with God. Well, Bishop, I happen to have attended the first same-sex wedding the Queen’s University chaplain ever performed, 23 years ago. And strangely, I don’t get the feeling that God hates me for it at all.

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. The Second Amendment comes from God? No, it comes from the pen of someone who didn’t know how to use commas correctly. And it’s been fucking with stupid heads ever since. Where’s the dignity in that?

7. Jeff Fucking Krusinski. Talk about conduct unbecoming: Can you believe he was put in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire USAF? And then he goes and gets drunk, and gropes a woman in a parking lot, who fortunately has the presence of mind to beat the shit out of him. Maybe they should put HER in charge of that program; she’d do a far better job than he ever could. PS: Holy fucking shit.

8. Ari Fucking Fleischer. Yes, that’s right, Dubya’s own Baghdad Bob is back in the news, and just as full of shit as we remember him. He was full of shit over Iraq; he was leaking it out the ears over Chavecito. Is it such a shock that he would also not know what the fuck he was talking about when it came to the Nazis? But oh, what a telling Freudian slip that is, because the Nazis and their utter disregard for international law are always the first things that come to MY mind when I think of BushCo!

9. Geoffrey Fucking Portway. Hannibal Lecter he ain’t, and maybe that’s just as well. “Fat Longpig”, as he used to be known on the kiddie-porn circuit, couldn’t pick on someone his own size, and didn’t even have the guts to do the deed himself. Memo to all you pedophiles, wannabe cannibals, and dungeon-masters out there: If you can’t even kidnap your own victims and have to hire an accomplice to do the dirtywork, you have no right to your sick delusions of grandeur. (Actually, you have no right to them regardless. You sick, sick fucks.)

10. Nancy Fucking Brinker. In case you were still in any doubt as to whether the Susan B. Komen Foundation was about finding a cure for cancer: It’s not. It’s all about the lining of the CEO’s already huge pocketbook. You might want to donate directly to your local Cancer Society instead. In fact, you SHOULD.

11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh, now he’s threatening to leave a radio network because the advertisers are deserting him? Yeah, Rusty, that sounds real scary. Why don’t you just follow through and see what happens? I bet you dollars to doughnuts that you’ll never be missed. PS: And this is just one more reason why you won’t be missed. Those girls were kidnapped when Dubya, NOT Obama, was president. Your argument is shit.

12. Rick Fucking Perry. Yeah, gay people are exactly like slavers. Say, Crotch…just when do you plan on giving up that ol’ civil war and coming out of your own closet, already?

13. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, Patwa, God can’t “change” murderers or rapists, much less LGBT people (who don’t deserve to be in that kind of company, BTW). After all, he’s apparently powerless to keep YOU from lying! PS: And also, making weird shit up. PPS: Oh yeah…and THIS:

14. Cody Fucking Wilson. Next time your precious widdle 3D-printed gun misfires, I hope it kills you. After all, “liberty” is more important than life! PS: Don’t be too surprised if you’re arrested for illegal gun trafficking…and the NRA does nothing to bail you out. After all, you’re threatening to cut in on their corporate sponsors’ profits…

15. Joe Fucking Francis. So, Botox Boy Gone Wild has been busted, yet again, for assaulting women. And this time, it could be Guy Gone to Jail. For five years. Let us pray…

16. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. So, he has to pay back $30,000 of taxpayer money. Well, it’s a good start. I wonder when his boss, Big Chief Shit Head, is going to pay back the $3 billion that “went missing” on HIS watch…

17. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. Disingenuous antichoicer is disingenuous. Of course no pro-choice group will support any of the motions this imbecile puts forth in Parliament! What was he expecting? This isn’t rudeness on their part, it’s deliberate, transparent trolling for attention on his. And yet another epic fail in the battle to corral women by stripping away their rights. PS: Ha, ha. Also, SIGN.

18. Bobby Fucking Jindal. Wow. This just hasn’t been your year, has it? Ha, ha.

19. Chris Fucking Brown. “Wife” is a noun, not a verb. The verb in question is “to marry”. And frankly, she is lucky you didn’t. She is luckier still to be rid of you.

20. Paul Fucking Ryan. Some people are born with a silver spoon; others, with a big ol’ foot in their mouths. If the Repugs ever hope to be relevant to immigrant Americans, and to overcome their racist image, they might want to rethink the use of phrases like “anchor baby”.

21. Stephen Fucking Harper. Well, I think I just found $0.1 billion of the $3.1 billion that was lost on his watch. He spent it on propaganda to convince us that our economy was working better than it actually was! And to make us think jobs were being created, when in fact they were not! Now, I wonder what else we’ll find between the sofa cushions…

22. Ted Fucking Cruz. See, I told you he was a weenie.

23. Buford Fucking Rogers. Sorry, Bucky, but if there’s a war going on, you just lost. How’s it feel to be a failed domestic terrorist? (And a spelling-impaired one, at that?)

24. Sylvia Fucking Browne. Sorry, Syl, but you are NO psychic. How’s it feel to be wrong, wrong, WRONG? I hope you’re feeling mighty guilty over contributing to the heartache that killed Amanda Berry’s mom. And I hope your books never sell another copy.

25. Tim Fucking Lambesis. Hiring a hitman to kill your estranged wife? Gee, dude, how Christian of you. Lucky for her the contract killer was a plainclothes cop.

26. Alex Fucking Jones. Satan, like the Illuminati, DOES NOT EXIST. It’s kind of hard to worship nonexistent things…unless you’re a nut like Alex, in which case you eat, sleep and BREATHE nonexistent things.

27. Dick Fucking Cheney. “We were always ready on 9/11.” Is that a bald-faced lie, or an inadvertent admission of BushCo’s responsibility for letting terrorism happen? Either way, it makes BushCo and the Big Dick look really, really fucking shitty. And not, as he was hoping, good in comparison to His Barackness.

28. Glenn Fucking Beck. Well, Biff, which is it? Are you a journalist, or not? I vote not, because you haven’t the first fucking clue what a journalist is, much less what the hell you’re talking about. Neither are you an entrepreneur, and you’re certainly not a thinker. You’re just a lunatic who managed, through some amazing malign coincidence, to be capable of landing yourself a TV gig. In another era, you’d be locked in a rubber room. Thanks for making me nostalgic for the Bad Old Days, motherfucker.

29. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. So, a law forbidding workplace discrimination on the basis of religion will be “the end of the world for Christian employers”? Let us pray…

30. James Fucking Ebdon. Police brutality? Planting drugs on innocent people? All in a day’s work for Durham Region’s Finest, I see.

31. John Fucking Boehner. Biff is no journalist, and Boner is no economist. Surpriiiise!

32. Mike Fucking Randolph. True, blacks routinely get executed on the flimsiest of evidence in Mississippi Goddamn. So why should something as trifling as modern forensic science stand in the way of a good ol’-fashioned lynching? Is someone trying to drag that state kicking and screaming into the 20th century, or something?

33. Donald Fucking Trump. No, the presence of women in the military is NOT what causes rape. What does, is the macho warrior culture that gives guys a licence to do it and get away with it, because rape is often a sanctioned weapon of war. But hey, what did we expect of Da Donald…there is nothing under that hairpiece but a steaming load of dogshit.

34. Barbara Fucking Hewson. Yes, let’s lower the age of consent to 13 and give the poor persecuted dirty old men a licence to rape. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, I dunno…ask anyone who was ever sexually abused at that age, and never the same since. WTF, Red Scare BITCH?

35. Geoffrey Fucking Dear. Allowing same-sex marriage in Britain will provoke a backlash? Only among bigots, Dear. Here in Canada, on the other hand, the only outcome has been tolerance, tolerance and more tolerance. And a lot of happy gay couples. Oh, and a few irrelevant, ineffectual whinings from Charles Fucking McVety and his institute for un-Canadian values. And that’s about it.

36. Nigel Fucking Farage. Maggie Fucking Thatcher was “open-minded”? To gays??? Um, NO. Any change of British heart since her time has happened in spite of her, not because of her.

37. Brian Fucking Fischer. What’s this about “gay impulses”? Well, that explains everything. Once more, a professional homophobe outs himself as a screaming closet case. This is getting to be downright boring.

38. Mike Fucking Jeffries. If ever you need proof that the corporate sector should NEVER be trusted to run the world, just remember this guy. He literally wants to relive his high school glory days (that’s when he peaked, poor thing), and force the rest of us to relive our years of hell, by making clothes that only the thinnest of the popular girls can wear. Meanwhile, guys do get a couple of larger sizes, but they’re aimed at burly jocks, not fat boys. Well, you know what? I hate his fucking guts, and I say this as one who was very slim (but still not popular) in high school.

Plus, he looks really fucking tacky. But I guess having been one of the “cool kids” in high school means never having to learn how to dress well.

39. Michelle Fucking Malkin. Finally, Ms. Maglalang lets her mask slip, and a little bit of truth leaks out from behind. She admits that she’s an old, rich, white guy who eats Chick-fil-HATE. Now, if she would only admit that her husband (who fits the profile, natch) ghostwrites her columns, we’d be getting somewhere…

40. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Benghazi is still a non-story, after all the right-wing efforts to MAKE it a story. So, what about Lori Klausutis? That’s still a story, after all the effort gone into making it a non-story.

41. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. Condescending to Stephen Hawking just because he joined the academic boycott of Israel? Tsk, tsk, tsk. Bibi, honey, go study some diplomacy. You’re not good enough to push his wheelchair.

42. Alex Fucking Jones. Oh, crazydude. He totally fell for an Onion spoof! So far off the deep end, I would wonder who he’s fronting for. Except I already know…it’s the ultimate conspiracy of all time, and its name is CAPITALISM. (And he’s doin’ it wrong.)

43. Jeffry Fucking Mathis. So, he sexually assaulted a student in a quid-pro-quo offer of better grades (for sex, natch). He even admitted as much, when he wasn’t making the age-old “it was consensual” bullshit excuse. Or the age-old “SHE was the aggressor” bullshit excuse. And he wasn’t punished. And he’s still allowed to keep his job? Yeah, tell me all about how having a penis doesn’t come with an awful lot of perks.

44. Jack Fucking Burkman. 9-11! Benghazi! Benghazi! 9-11! Benghazi is 9-11! No, Benghazi is worse, because it happened on that black dude’s watch! It’s all that black dude’s fault!!!!

45. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Oh look, another Hawking-hater for Israel. And he’s projecting! Isn’t that just so cute?

46. Jacques Fucking Nazaire. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks. And lawyers who chase the ambulance known as Internet porn have no business slandering California judges over same-sex marriage. But gee, how strangely appropriate that one who profiteers off porn would be a professional homophobe, at least when convenient. And a wanker all the time.

47. Peggy Fucking Scott. Oh, boo fucking hoo hoo hoo! Her “heart breaks” because same-sex couples will soon be able to marry in Minnesota? That’s funny, I was under the distinct impression that people who act the way she does don’t have any hearts.

48. Yoon Fucking Chang-jung. Jesus H., what is it with all these middle-aged right-wing crapaganda guys who grope women and generally make embarrassing boozy asses of themselves? You’d almost swear it all had something to do with conservatism, male privilege, and institutionalized patriarchy, eh?

49. Conrad Fucking Black. Yeah, I’m so shocked that Lord Blah-Blah would defend Tom Fucking Flanagan and his creepy kiddie-porn predilections. After all, these old conservative guys do love their power-hungry circle jerks…

50. Doug Fucking Ford. So, I guess bike-riding pinkos have no right to smell clean, then? Or is this some kind of homophobic aspersion on their manhood? Hey Dougie, women ride bikes too. And no, we don’t grope each other in the showers. That’s what closeted “straight” men do.

And finally, to all the hateful haters out there, hating on Stephen Hawking for daring to speak his mind on Israeli apartheid. You know that old saying, “The higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his ass”? Applies to you. You are monkeys, and your asses are hanging out for the world to see. Shove a banana up your bums, for all I care. The truth is so blindingly obvious that it shouldn’t take an Einstein-level genius like Hawking to see it. And neither should it be a crime to say as much. And above all: You’re picking on a man in a wheelchair who needs a computer to help him speak? Didn’t your mothers teach you any compassion? Have you no fucking shame? Well, I do…and I’m ashamed that I have to share a planet with you fucking fascist freaks.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Batten down the hatches, we’re about to get another fifty-wank blower here. This week, we’re committing sociology…or in the case of our lovely listees, stoopidology. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Pierre Fucking Poilievre. Terrorists cause terrorism! Gosh, who knew? Well, Captain Obvious. Duh, that’s who. With deep thinkers like this in his camp, it’s no wonder Harpo has a growing reputation as the Dubya of the north. PS: And more Deep Thought. Hey Pierre, you and your gummint aren’t working for “union bosses”, as you claim — you’re supposed to be working for the PEOPLE (and not just “the taxpayers”, either). Instead, you’re working for the fucking corporations. Why don’t you all just fucking quit and start drawing those corporate paycheques legitimately, already?

2. Sarah Fucking Palin. Speaking of Dubya’s intellectual (!) heirs, the Snowbilly Grifter has had a busy week of wankin’, starting with her equating Planned Parenthood with a back-alley butcher. No, Sawah, PP is actually what’s keeping women from ending up in the hands of unscrupulous types like Kermit Fucking Gosnell. And then there’s her bitter snipe at not being invited to the so-called Nerd Prom, which was crashed by Tawd and Bristol. How desperate for attention she must be, to scrape THAT barrel. And hey! How about those teabaggers who want a half-term senator?

3. Matt Fucking Yglesias. If you want to know just how morally bankrupt neoliberal economics really is, just visit a Bangladeshi garment factory. And if you want to know how mentally bankrupt its apologists are, just read this guy. “Foreign factories should be more dangerous”, he says. Right, because then at least it’s not white people being crushed to death under badly constructed sweatshop buildings, eh?

4. Gene Fucking Simmons. Why?

That’s why. How about acknowledging that PALESTINE exists? And there is nothing holy about Israel, either. Just ask a fellow American…Emily Henochowicz.

5. Chris Fucking Broussard. Being homophobic is the REAL “open rebellion to God.” Who do you think MAKES people gay, you stupid motherfucker? PS: Stop setting off my fucking gaydar. PPS: Ha, ha.

6. Gail Fucking Horalek. A diary description of one’s vulva is NOT pornographic. It’s just an unusually frank (ha! see what I did there?) expression of something all girls do: namely, check themselves out in private.

7. Greg Fucking Laurie. “Sinophobic” means “fearful of Chinese people”, you homophobic fucking imbecile. And if there’s one thing for sane, intelligent people to do on the “National Day of Prayer”, it’s pray that you either see the light or go to hell. PS: Stop setting off my fucking gaydar.

8. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look, the Pigman is projecting AGAIN! This time, it’s to assert that all liberals are mass murderers. Because they’re not professional homophobes like him. Oh yeah, and they’re all “jihadis”, too. Yawn, yawn, yawwwwwwn.

9. Don Fucking Cherry. I’ll give Ol’ Sour Grapes half a point: Nobody really needs locker-room “journalism”. Everybody knows that pro athletes have nothing of worth to say when they’re standing around in their old stinky jockstraps, waiting to shower; they’re inarticulate at the best of times anyway. Best thing to do is just drop that crap from the newscast altogether. But to single out female sports reporters, for being women in what’s erroneously presumed to be a man’s world? Yup, that’s a fuckin’ wank.

10. Stephen Fucking Harper. Well, finally he admits that he is in fact a Toronto elitist. Probably came to that decision after realizing how stupid he looked playing Cowboys ‘n’ Injuns at his age. Or maybe how stupid he looked supporting the Mordorization of Alberta. But it won’t do much good…his family still supported the LOSING design for our national flag. Which may explain why he’s still trying to paint Canada blue after all this time.

11. Jason Fucking Kenney. Wow, there really isn’t much to distinguish between him and a Bangladeshi sweatshop owner, is there? Talk about victim-blaming. Also, stoopid economics are stooooopid.

12. Mark Fucking Sanford. Yeah, “she went there”. Because your “hiking the Appalachian trail” does put your ability to govern in a mature, effective manner, and be present for your constituents, into serious question. In other words: Nobody wants a governor who’s gonna just fuck off to Argentina whenever the whim takes him. Especially if he’s going there to, well, fuck. People like to know that the person they elect is gonna stick around, not follow his dick around.

13. Ben Fucking Shapiro. Yeah, the standard in “heroes” has gone down. As has the standard in “columnists”; see, for example, yourself.

14. Tom Fucking Friedman. “What kind of sick madness is this?” Oh, cram your incurious anti-intellectual twaddle sideways up the orifice you pulled it from. First: The cause of the Boston Marathon bombing hasn’t even been fully investigated, much less have its perps been brought to trial, and already you’re jumping to conclusions, which sound suspiciously like they’re aimed at derailing a debate before it even begins. Second: It’s the fucking imperialism, you stupid, stupid fuck. In other words, it has nothing to do with being a Muslim at all. Get your fucking army out of every country it’s in, and then you won’t see any more “terrorist” pushback. Much less the kind you go to such deliberately obtuse lengths to not-understand.

15. Jan Fucking Brewer. Won’t somebody think of the poor, oppwessed widdle guns? Awww, dat’s so sweet of you, Jan. Now how about not oppressing PEOPLE?

16. Tim Fucking Melton. Nice of you to cover Michelle Fucking Rhee’s education-deforming ass with meaningless statements. But since you haven’t actually made amends to the Tennessee students your award for bad legislation has hurt, you get a great big goose-egg on your report card.

17. Anya Fucking Bargh. Ever wonder what Ann Coulter was like when SHE went to law school? Clicky the linky, and be warned: it ain’t pretty.

18. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Speaking of not-pretty, as well as not-smart, Me-me-ME-gyn has piped up with the keen observation that bigots could be offended if you denounce their bigotry against Muslims. Thanks for that lovely public service message, dear.

19. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. Speaking of bigotry against Muslims, this is it. Study it well, kiddies. And whatever you do, don’t be a two-faced fucking hypocrite like Taliban Dana.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. And in other bigoted news, Patwa thinks there’s nothing wrong with calling gay people “abominations”. Because there’s nothing abominable about him for wishing Chavecito dead, and a myriad other very real sins, nosirree.

21. Bryan Fucking Fischer. He knows nothing about genetics, much less prenatal development. Yet he somehow “knows” that someone chose to be gay, simply because his twin brother isn’t? Wow. Let’s all throw out our science textbooks and start taking the bible literally, because that totally, like, convinces ME, man. PS: Thanks for sharing with us your gay locker-room sexual fantasy, old man. Not that you really needed to.

22. Mitt Fucking Romney. Oh joy, Mittens has piped up again…only long enough, mind you, to wank on about how people need to get married early, and have lots of kids. With more than 7 billion people in the world, most of whom are not nearly as rich and complacent as Mittens, I just can’t bring myself to see any flaws in that logic. Can you?

23. Tim Fucking Tebow. Why?

That’s why. He’s all washed up, and he’s awfully butthurt about it. Well, that and he keeps setting off my gaydar, and he can’t do anything about that, either. See where all that pharisaical public genuflection gets you? #justsaying

24. Ted Fucking Nugent. No, you shitty draft dodger, vets aren’t committing suicide over some imaginary violation of the constitution on the part of Barack Obama. Nobody kills themselves out of simple disgust for a mere politician. They’re committing suicide because of the trauma of the wars that Dubya threw them into, and because right-wing politicians and useless idiots such as yourself refuse to support the troops once they demobilize and return home. That’s why, you fucking cowardly scumbag.

25. Benny Fucking Hinn. What, isn’t Jesus listening anymore…and raining down money on Benny’s oily little head? What a surprise. Guess that prosperity gospel is just a bunch of bullshit, then.

26. Buster Fucking Wilson. Yeah, congrats, you’re all of a sudden, just like that, a hatemonger. Actually, that’s not true; you always have been, and you’ve just now been served notice of the fact. Now fuck off and never be heard from again.

27. John Fucking McCain. Coming from a country that’s actually fomented “radical Islamic extremism” (remember those cuddly Afghan mujahideen? I do, I do!) it’s kind of fucking stupid of him to talk of banning immigrants from those parts. How about banning the CIA instead?

28 and 29. Tony Fucking Clement and Jim Fucking Flaherty. B’kawwwwwwwwww! Buk buk bk bk bk. That is all.

30. Charles Fucking Van Zant. Y’know, it’s actually kind of refreshing to see the Repug position on race and gender issues articulated so clearly. And by “articulated”, I mean spewed, and by “position”, I mean BIGOTRY.

31. Meir Fucking Weinstein. Pamela Fucking Geller is the driving force behind Anders Fucking Behring Fucking Breivik, and yet she’s somehow NOT a terrorist, while Muslims are? Dude, get glasses. Have you read her fucking blog? A simple word-substitution game would be enough to prove that she’s indistinguishable from Nazis, and very fucking stupid Nazis, at that. Any rabbi who’d host a talk by her may as well be shaking hands with Josef Goebbels. Or his crazy idiot cousin.

32. Michelle Fucking Malkin. I don’t suppose she’s aware of the irony inherent in her accusing anyone else of spreading misinformation. And that, folks, is why she’s a fucking wanker.

33. Ray Fucking Kelly. Memorize this new word, kiddies: “Understopped”. That’s what New York’s top cop thinks black men are. Never mind that every single one of them in New York City has been stopped and frisked, whether he needed to be or not. If that’s “understopped”, one shudders to think what “overstopped” must mean.

34. Rob Fucking Ford. Meanwhile, in Toronto, being the mayor apparently puts you above the law, and entitles you to use your own radio show, quite literally, as a bully pulpit to go after political opponents who, it goes without saying, don’t have their own show and can’t afford it, either. Ah, it’s good to be the fucking king.

35. Ed Fucking Dahlberg. Surprise! Muslims went to war in Iraq…on the US side. And one of them is the guy whose jaw got in the way of your ignorant fucking fist. Feel stupid yet? You should. Because you fucking ARE.

36. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. Don’t go telling leftists you oppose them “in the name of Christ”. Jesus wants nothing to do with your racist Nazi shit. And speaking of shit, claiming to stand up for the “blue-collar working class” against communism? That’s hilarious, considering that communism is all about the working class standing up and overthrowing ruling-class fascists…like YOU.

37. Penny Fucking Nance. Nice historical revisionism you got goin’ on there, lady. Actually, the Holocaust was not a product of enlightenment OR reason, but of superstition…and oh yeah, CHRISTIANITY.

38. Barry Fucking West. How be you stop “winking at Muslims” and start doing your fucking job, you wanker? Part of your job, as I understand it, is ensuring that all local citizens, including Muslims, feel safe. It’s kind of hard to do that when an asshole in a cowboy hat is aiming a double-barreled shotgun at you.

39. Jeffrey Dale Fucking Williams. Jesus wants eye candy! Oh wait, no, he doesn’t. That’s just the preacher-man, trying to molest a young parishioner. Jesus wouldn’t ask anyone to do any such thing.

40. Glenn Fucking Beck. Humanity is becoming an “affront to God”? No, that’s just you, you fucking freak.

41. Alex Fucking Jones. Transgender people are “vomiting and crapping all over the place”? No, that’s just you, you fucking freak.

42. Jim Fucking Porter. Anyone who uses the term “War of Northern Aggression” doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously, much less permitted to own a gun…and even less to be president of the Fucking NRA. When “gun rights” are more important than HUMAN rights (and you know they are, to anyone who uses that racist dog-whistle to refer to the Civil War), you just know you’re dealing with a loon. Having him at the helm of an organization is unlikely to inspire confidence in said organization…except, of course, from the usual old fat racist white loons.

43. Matt Fucking Lewis. Why do gun nuts who write for Fucker Carlson’s effete little vanity website think a certain slang term for ladybits (or kittycats) is an acceptable way of saying “weakling”, “wimp” or “coward”? And, more to the point: Why don’t they spell the word out WITHOUT resorting to asterisks? I guess what I’m trying to say here is…you chicken, bro?

44. Kelly Fucking Ayotte. She voted against equal pay for women because “we have enough laws”? Well. Come next election, she’s gonna find herself voted out of work, because the US senate has more than enough asshats. PS: And yes, this is proof of asshattery, too.

45. Lamar Fucking Smith. And speaking of asshats in US politics, how about this congresscritter? Apparently, science isn’t enough to make a scientific paper publishable. Nope, now it’s got to be politically kosher, too. Congratulations, Trofim Lysenko, you’re hereby vindicated — by a crapitalist!

46. Andrea Fucking Tantaros. Awww. FUX Snooze Concern Troll is CONCERNED! Tell ya what, honey: You keep your puny little mind out of the Obama girls’ panties, and the rest of the civilized world will ignore the idiot that’s walking around in yours.

47. Brad Fucking Blakeman. And speaking of FUX Snooze and concern trolls, here’s another predictable salvo in the War on Women: Birth control causes statutory rape! This, of course, begs the question: Whatever did statutory rapists do BEFORE birth control was invented? Oh yeah: THEY GOT GIRLS PREGNANT AND THEN FUCKED OFF.

48. Stella Fucking Tremblay. She wonders if a guy who lost both legs in the Boston Marathon bombing was hurt? I wonder if she is blind. I don’t, however, wonder if she is sane or intelligent, because it’s already apparent that she is not. Her conspiracy theorizing is so stupid as to be downright offensive.

49. Niall Fucking Ferguson. Oh noes, John Maynard Keynes was GAY! Gay-gay-gaiety-gay-GAY! That means no one can take his (well proven) theories of economics seriously. Oh wait…an effete imperialist twit with wonky (read: HOMOPHOBIC; read: SO GAY) ideas about family and economics said that. Never mind! PS: What’s this? An apology? Huh.

50. Adam Fucking Carolla. Maybe Big Brother doesn’t care about YOUR cellphone calls, because you’re an unfunny, uninteresting, politically clueless hack. But I’m pretty sure he’d be interested in my internet activities…or those of anyone else who’s not a criminal or a terrorist, but also not interested in being a good little capitalist conformist for the rest of their lives. Maybe, if YOU were under surveillance, and all your masturbatory habits made it into an FBI file, you’d start to feel different about all that porn on your phone. Or, better still, about the government snooping and spying on everyone in the name of catching a few so-called “terrorists”.

And finally, to the Fucking NRA. You can’t very well be accused of having your priorities straight, if you support arming kids with child-sized (but still deadly!) rifles rather than comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education and the morning-after Pill. And if your line-up of speakers is anything to go by, you CAN be accused of supporting Teh Hardcore Stoopid.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to the end of yet another week from hell. This time, with even more stoopid. And here are its leading purveyors, in no particular order:

1. Greg Fucking Ball. Dude. What is all this torture shit? Face facts. Osama bin Laden is dead, and it wasn’t a Repug like you who bagged him. So knock off the pseudo-tough talk about what you and a baseball bat would do. You wouldn’t do fuck-all. At the end of the day, you’re just another full-of-shit right-wing politician — a crappy little jacked-up state senator with a hundred-dollar haircut, manicured fingernails (that you’re probably afraid to chip), and a bully-boy pose that would melt into a pool of luke-warm piss if you ever came face to face with an actual terrorist. You are a colossal wimp, and everybody knows it. Now shut the fuck up!

2. Peter Fucking King. Political correctness be damned, we need to do better surveillance of right-wing politicians. When you can’t tell their rhetoric apart from that of some religious freak with a neck-beard and a turban, it’s time to call them out for what they are: a threat to national security.

3. Ted Fucking Nugent. He’s still not dead or in jail for all his terrorist threats against his own president? Or his stupid utterances about justice and law? I say we lynch him. Hey, it’s only what HE would want!

4. A.J. Fucking Clemente. Fucking shit. That is all.

5. Brian Fucking Kilmeade. Oh dude, I feel so sorry for you. The ironies around you are just so thick on the ground. You want to racially profile Caucasians? And you want to plant listening devices in the same mosque that kicked out Tamerlan Tsarnaev for his hate-filled rant against Martin Luther King? I understand that he got into it with the imam, of all people. And yet you want that mosque bugged…why? All you’ll hear is the imam calling you a fucking jackass. Which you ARE.

6. Laura Fucking Ingraham. She wants an end to Muslim immigration? I have a better idea. I want an end to whoever is selling her hair bleach. That shit is eating her motherfucking brain.

7. Sam Fucking Brownback. JESUS + Mary, you’re a misogynous fucking shitbag. How are you any better than the Christofascist terrorists who drove all those women to seek out the back-alley butcher shop run by Kermit Gosnell? Ha, ha, trick question: You’re not. You’re one of them.

8. James Fucking Taranto. Yeah, go right ahead and call Gabby Giffords too brain-damaged to formulate a coherent argument on the very issue that has come to define her entire life. You think that just because her speech and motor functions are impaired, her cognition must also be. Go right ahead and say it: You think she’s retarded, don’t you? Because I’ve got something I’m dying to say too, and I won’t bother to wait for your go-ahead: You, sir, are a fucking asshole. Unlike Gabby, however, you don’t get to put a disability sticker on your windshield. And you don’t deserve anyone else’s patience, compassion or forbearance for your mental deficiency, either.

9. Rand Fucking Paul. Is anyone else slain by the irony of Mr. Liberty wanting the US to become a police state (or more of one than it already is, rather) in response to the Boston bombing? Yes? Oh good. Glad I’m not the only one. PS: Oh, for shame.

10. Amanda Fucking Palmer. Please stop writing poetry. In fact, please stop writing, period.

11. Bernard Fucking Valcourt. Patronizing, snotty, tone-deaf, arrogant, sexist and racist. In short, just the sort of person I’d expect Harpo to put in charge of Aboriginal Affairs. At this rate, it’s no wonder that Idle No More is still going strong. They’ve got something to go against in this one.

12. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The louder you blat, the faster that brain aneurysm ticks, Rusty. And the more bullshit you spew, the closer it gets to blowing.

13. Adam Fucking Savader. I’m sure you’re as shocked as I am to know that this former Paul Ryan aide has stalked 15 women and used nude photos to blackmail them. And I’m sure you’re as shocked as I am to know that this is just the sort of thing you’d expect an ultra-conservative poli-sci student to do. Which is to say, you’re not shocked at all…are you? PS: A “proud Reagan Republican”? Oh dear, how embarrassing.

14. Ann Fucking Coulter. Finally, we get to hear the Coultergeist’s grand scheme for liberating all the poor, oppressed, genitally mutilated Muslim women of the world: Jail them just for wearing hijabs! Yeah, that’ll really fix ‘em up between the legs, that will. BTW, female genital mutilation is an African thing, not an Islamic thing. But trust the Coultergeist not to know that, or care. She’s just so obsessed with everyone’s reproductive plumbing that it makes me wonder what is up with the hollow pipes between her ears. PS: If it’s mosque surveillance she wants, I wanna know what church she attends. Because all that terrorist talk of hers has got to come from SOMEwhere…

15. Justin Fucking Bieber. So, the pet monkey didn’t last very long. Well, that was a foregone conclusion. Now, if only we could say the same about the other primate…

16. Mark Fucking Sanford. Exactly where are you campaigning for governor? South Carolina, or Argentina? Wherever it is, you’re bound to lose. To Stephen Colbert’s sister, ha ha.

17. Paul Fucking Cameron. Telling a gay guy to marry a woman won’t change a thing. It will, however, make two people very miserable, and drive one of them to promiscuity and drugs. Which is, by the way, the REAL reason so many gay guys died of AIDS not so long ago. It wasn’t being gay that did it; it was being an outcast and seeking solace in futility. And it was the criminal negligence of fascist quacks like Paul Fucking Cameron that was largely to blame for that outcast status in the first place.

18. Ray Fucking Canterbury. Make kids work as janitors for their school lunches? I have a better idea: How about making all the elected Repugs who propose “workfare” solutions like this work as janitors in hospitals for all the “free” healthcare they’re getting at public expense? After all, they haven’t earned it…and it would teach them a valuable life lesson, too. Like, for example, how immoral it is to force hungry children to work for the food they need to help them concentrate in class.

19. Ludmila Fucking Vinogradoff. Earlier on, I had a sample of her handiwork up on my blog. Well, now, it turns out that not only is she a shitty “journalist” (note the quotes; as always, there for a reason!), she is also a paid-off presstitute for none other than Majunche Capriles Radonski. And she’s even been photographed, smiling, with her very media-connected pimp. Gee, what are the odds???

20. Kory Fucking Teneycke. Speaking of presstitutes, FUX Snooze North’s point-boy (or should we say rent-boy?) was before the CRTC this week, making the lame excuse that Canadians already pay for channels they don’t watch and don’t want all the time, and so what’s one more? Ask the people whose pockets you’re trying to pick, Kory, they would know. You, on the other hand, are utterly clueless. And deeply irony-impaired, too, since Sun “News” (note the quotes) takes a “free market” position…but then, when the actual free market speaks and they don’t like what it’s saying, they try to censor it AND commit highway robbery at the same time. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

21. James Fucking McCormick. Fake bomb detectors that cost an arm and a leg? That’s a wank for now. But if anyone had died, or lost an actual arm or leg using them, it would have been MURDER.

22. Scott Fucking Gessler. Isn’t it illegal for a secretary of state to interfere with the voting process of his state? And isn’t it racist for a fraudulent “vote fraud prevention” group to cut a brown face out of its mailer and stick a white one in its place?

23. Steve Fucking Kush. Yeah, a raise in the minimum wage is “radical”, and a young woman who has the temerity to campaign for it is a “bitch”. Because we all know that her real place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant, and dependent on a shittily paid man who beats the fuck out of her as a futile way of getting back at what’s REALLY eating him. Either that, or it’s in prostitution, because that’s the only way a dirty old man like you would ever get access to her cute young tush. Right?

24. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Gays are just like shoplifters. Yup, yup, yup. Only one question: What the hell do they steal?

25. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, he still plans on defunding Pride Toronto, only closer to when it actually all goes down. Which I suspect he is doing just to be even more of a fucking shitbag over QuAIA. BTW, let’s not forget that this is the same clown who raised money for his charity using the city’s mayoral letterhead.

26. Chris Fucking Karpan. No, of course being fingered up the ass, and being penis-whipped, does not constitute sexual assault unless someone tells the victim it is. Because that’s totally how those things work, right?

27. Peter Fucking McKay. A fine defence minister he’s shaping up to be. He’s visibly rattled by questions (and there are many) about his so-called patriotism, as well as his competence to do the job? At some point, he’s gonna have to take off the propeller beanie, put his willy away, and grow the fuck up. But frankly, Canadians would all prefer that he do that OUT of office. Because IN office, he’s been nothing but a dweeb.

28. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And speaking of rattled, Rush just heard a giant flushhhhhhh. That’s the sound of his sponsors going down the drain, in response to progressives putting (and keeping) the pressure on. Excrement in Broadcasting could soon be no more! Yay, free market! PS: Ha, ha.

29. Dave Fucking Leach. Yeah, sure, you don’t mean any harm. You aren’t really a stochastic terrorist. You just said that killing abortion providers is a “blessing to babies”. Kinda like washing them in the blood of a lamb, eh? Actually, a REAL blessing to babies would be providing more options — contraception, abortion, social welfare — to their MOTHERS. But that’s not what it’s really about with you sadistic old jezebel-floggers, is it?

30. Donald Fucking Trump. Jon Stewart is JEWISH? Oh. Em. Gee. I never knew! Actually, that’s never been a secret. And nobody seriously cares, because Jon is brilliant and funny as hell. Just as no one is truly surprised to learn that Da Donald is an antisemite as well as an all-around fucking prick who thinks he’s smarter than Jon.

31. Paul Fucking Kokoski. Finally, the truth emerges: Satan is a born-again Christian, and his little helper is a hateful wingnut who thinks he gets to set the gay agenda. (Pay no attention to that loud whooping noise, that’s just my gaydar going off big-time. AGAIN.)

32. Marco Fucking Rubio. “Nobody has a right to immigrate to the United States”, says the right-wing ex-Cuban who enjoys that right precisely because he’s a right-wing ex-Cuban. I say kick him back to where he came from and let Fidel and Raúl take care of him.

33. Stacey Fucking Campfield. Yuh huh huh, you’re so fucking funny. “Guns don’t kill people, pressure cookers kill people!” Priceless. And no, you haven’t “exposed” anything…except the fact that you have a really, really small dick. To match your brain, natch.

34. Joe Fucking Oliver. Science is so haaaaard! Yeah, especially when it hits your ass like a canoe paddle, eh Joey? Unfortunately, just like Teh Ghey, climate science and global warming refuse to be prayed away. Or SCOLDED away, in your uncouth case.

35. Dean Fucking Saxton. Women “deserve rape” for “dressing like a whore”? Well, “Brother” Dean, by that same token, you deserve a kick in the dick. In your teeny, tiny, inadequate little dick. Because by preaching shit like that, you’re asking for it!

36. George W. Fucking Bush. I guess we had to commemorate the opening of his “presidential” library somehow, so here it is: a library of fifty of the many, many more ways in which Dubya fucking SUCKED.

37. Eric Fucking Bolling. You don’t remember any terrorist attacks during #36′s reign of terror and error? Um, how about 9-11? And all the subsequent warmongering that he and his PNAC buddies did. That terrorism enough for ya?

38. Christie Fucking Blatchford. When the father of a rape victim takes you to task (however gently) for your crappy reporting and your dirty insinuations about his daughter (who, incidentally, is no longer alive to defend herself), it’s time to hang up your old manual typewriter, already. Actually, your time was long ago, you nasty, stinking harpy.

39. Andrés Fucking Kroboth. Why?

That’s why. He calls for the death of an elected leader. A freely, fairly, CLEANLY elected leader. At the hands of the CIA. And then he has the gall to say shit about sovereignty? Check your pitiyankism there, dude. Your boy lost, so GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

40. Tony Fucking Clement. Oh great. Pork Barrel Tony is hell-bent on bringing Mordor to Ontario. Time to rig up a gallows in the gazebo!

41. Pat Fucking Robertson. Planned Parenthood, “worse than Hitler”? As usual, Patwa’s convoluted “logic” (note the quotes) and his extremely loose marshalling of the facts is an awesome sight to behold. Or an awesome earful of glurge; take your pick.

42. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Gomer! Are you back again this week? Yes Ah am, surprise, surprise, surprise! And what is it this week, Gomer? Obama! Muslim Brotherhood! Bungle bungle! Booga booga booga! Well, gee, Gomer, thanks for that. You’re as uninformative as ever.

43. John Fucking Sullivan. Physical exercise prevents Teh Ghey? Well, that would explain all the lesbians teaching Phys Ed, and all the awesomely brawny gay guys parading their pecs at Pride. To be frank, I’ve never seen a better-exercised bunch of people than the queers, and my unathletic hat is off to them. I’m sorry, you were saying…?

44. Michelle Fucking Rhee. And while we’re on the subject of Teh Ghey, I bet you’re wondering who’s responsible for that awful Tennessee education bill, the one that says that you can’t even SAY gay, much less tell students what it means and why it’s normal. Well, you can stop wondering: SHE is. Her far-right education-fuckery group provided funding to help elect one of the shitheads who put that abomination out there. And now she’s awarded him a “reformer” prize, too! I propose a new rule: Not even contemplating anything that this education deformer proposes.

45. Glenn Fucking Beck. He left FUX Snooze to save his soul? Joke’s on you, Biff, you haven’t got one.

46. Lisa Fucking Williams. Who knew that gay pride would one day be a source of shame for San Francisco, not to mention an expression of crass commericalism and craven cowardice combined? Bradley Manning is the greatest living hero the LGBT community has, but to hear her tell it, he’s a virtual leper. While the truths he revealed are fueling various Arab Spring liberation movements, they’re sending the organizers of what’s arguably the biggest North American LGBT community party into a tailspin. If things keep going HER way, they’ll all end up right back in the closet. And who do you suppose would want such a thing? That’s right, the same people who discriminate against LGBTs in the military. And who oppose same-sex marriage and adoption, and even the right to say gay in school. Not to mention those who uphold the age-old corporate privilege of discriminating against anyone they don’t like, especially if that person is queer. Shame, shame, SHAME.

47. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Figures that Fuckerberg is in favor of Keystone XL and the Mordorization of the world. I guess he really does believe that you can eat, sleep and breathe money, because I’ve never seen him lift a finger for anything but. (Except, of course, his middle finger. At us.)

48. Alex Fucking Jones. Finally, all the whackjobs infesting the Internets have their own dating site, thanks to him. Now, if they would only all pack up their tinfoil and go to their own desert island, and duke it out over the coconuts…

49. Judith Fucking Miller. Yeah, surprise…Dubya’s favorite stenographer is ba-ack! And predictably, she’s pushing the kind of “anti-terror” measures he would have wu-uvved. Too bad that her theories aren’t borne out by fact; the NYPD may be stopping and frisking everyone they see who’s even a little bit brown, but the fact that no NYC mosque has ever been responsible for a terrorist attack dates back to long before that, anyhow.

50. Condi Fucking Rice. Another unwelcome figure from the Dark Days of Dubya resurfaces. And, just like #49, she’s defending bad procedures that haven’t made anyone safe from anything. Condi, you shoulda stuck to piano-playing.

And finally, to all the hateful trolls who pooped here this week. Special dishonorable mentions go to “The Cat”, of Rocky Mount, North Carolina, at 67.235.36.159; “Justice First”, disgracefully squatting in Toronto, at 216.58.54.138; and of course, my old pal “Kepler”, better to be known as Krapler, at 91.178.59.206. That’s in Hainaut, Belgium. Funny how not a single one of you so-called friends of Venezuela is actually IN Venezuela. You poor sad sacks, I would feel a lot sorrier for you if people weren’t dying in Venezuela as a direct result of the bullshit you’re backing. You’re not funny; you’re all fucking despicable. I hope you get lots of spam. And if any of you happen to be linked to putschist plots, I hope you also get busted.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! And a special shout-out to the people of Boston, and everyone affected by the marathon bombing. That’s a horror no one should have to live through, ever. You people are all in my thoughts and prayers. These people, on the other hand, are only in my prayers insofar as it’s “Please, Goddess, take them away!” And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Justin Fucking Bieber. Newsflash, J-Bieb, Anne Frank is not all about you. But it’s easy to see how you might think she would have been, seeing as you have all those fake and ghost Twitter followers… PS: Yeah, this’ll really help with that narcissism thing. NOT.

2. George Fucking Will. Conservatism and facts don’t even inhabit the same universe. But hey! Good luck trying to convince the rest of the wankers that it’s time to legalize the undocumented, just the same.

3. John Fucking Baird. If anyone ever deserved to have rocks and shoes thrown at him, it’s Squealer. Of course he thinks he did nothing wrong in meeting Israelis on Palestinian turf. Actually, it’s ALL Palestinian turf, but in his mind (and those of the Israelis, too, no doubt) it’s all Israeli turf, and always was. So yeah, no “shift” there!

4. Nathan Fucking Deal. Nice to know that the Confederacy (of Dunces) is still alive and well in Georgia. And that the squatter in the governor’s mansion still can’t get into the 20th century, much less the 21st. An integrated prom isn’t a “publicity stunt”, it’s something that should have been taken for granted long ago. But then again, this good ol’ redneck probably still flies the Stars ‘n’ Bars from his car antenna.

5. Fucking ExxtortionMobil. Yay for snake oil! See, that Arkansas pipeline disaster was good for something. Too bad it wasn’t at all good for the local birds.

6. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonski. Why the double Fucking? Because he’s a double-Majunche. Did you ever see such a sore loser in your life? And the nerve of him, claiming Maduro won by fraud when, if anything, the fraud is more likely to be on his own side. It’s awfully hard to see how a crappy little do-nothing governor, whose state is all gone to shit, and who is known to have made putschist plans (and carried them out throughout the election campaign) could take as much as 49% of the vote without cheating somehow. And, that being said: Don’t be too surprised if this piece of flotsam washes up on shore in Miami before a warrant can be issued for his arrest. PS: And this is why you’re not president. You’re an uncouth fucking Majunche with no manners, who pisses on foreign heads of state. You lost because you’re not wanted at Miraflores, now take a fucking hint!

7. Alex Fucking Jones. The Boston Marathon bombing was a “government conspiracy”!!!1111eleventyhundredeleven! Only it wasn’t. Is that egg starting to feel a little tight on your face there, Alex? Ha, ha.

8. Pamela Fucking Geller. Even without actually knowing who set it, she just “knows” the Boston bomb was a jihadist bomb. Funny how someone who knows fuck-all, always seems to “know” so much. One day, Pam, it’s gonna be not only some white dude, but a white dude who thinks just like YOU. And I can’t wait to hear what you’ll say then.

9. Dave Fucking Agema, AGAIN. Great job of researching your little theories there, Dave! Because Holocaust-denying, sheet-wearing Klukers are just the most reliable sources of information on homosexuality in the whole wide world, eh?

10. Erik Fucking Rush. Dude, “round up all the Saudis and kill them” is NOT a joke. And “but I was just joking” isn’t a very good excuse for tweeting stupid, asinine, genocidal shit. Oh, and calling other people “sphincters” for not “getting” it? Still doesn’t make it a joke, ASSHOLE. Just substitute “blacks” for “Saudis”, “conservatism” for “Islam”, and see how that plays. Not so funny NOW, is it? PS: Sign, sign, sign!

11. Fucking Dubya. How very nice to know, more than ten years and millions of deaths after the fact, that the Idiot Son of an Asshole still feels “comfortable” with his own bad decisions and choices. Unfortunately, his “comfort” won’t give people back their innocent, undeserving dead. And to be honest, I couldn’t give two shits for his “comfort”. He’s a war criminal, and “comfortable”, in any sense, is the LAST thing he should be.

12. Glenn Fucking Beck. Still alive. Still babbling bullshit. Still tick, tick, ticking away like a time-bomb of lunacy. How I wish that cerebral hemorrhage would finally come, this suspense is killing me.

13. Anthony Fucking Bellifemine. Hey look! #10 has a soul brother. Awww, how…FUGLY.

14. Jim Fucking Hoft. Saudi students EVIL! Saudi students SCARY! Saudi student in question happens to be not even a suspect. And his “suspicious behavior” consisted only of doing what every other innocent person injured at the scene of the Boston bombing did: running away from the explosions, or trying to.

15. Dan Fucking Bidondi. Well, let’s give this Alex Jones lackey some credit for just coming straight out and ASKING if the Boston bombing was a “false flag” operation. Short answer: No. Slightly longer answer: No, and you’re a paranoid freak-scene. What the fuck are you doing at a press conference, anyway?

16. Felipe Fucking Calderón. Yes, that’s right, the former president of Mexico. Who knew HE was a conspiracy freak? Tenuous connections and loose coincidences do not an adequate explanation make, señor.

17. Melvin Fucking Harter. Sorry, pal, but if you’re against marriage equality, you ARE a hater. Good thing your advertising firm isn’t the only one in town. And hey! You’ve just managed to generate a shitload of negative publicity…for YOURSELF.

18. Peter Fucking Brabeck. Water is not a human right? Nature has to be “overcome”? Human ingenuity über alles? Sounds like a psychopath to me. Way to prove The Corporation right, Peter. Why are you not in a straitjacket? Why has your company not been broken up as a monopoly yet? Oh, and Nestlé does NOT feed me. I don’t buy any of their products, on principle, and haven’t done so since I first heard of their involvement in the Venezuelan coup of ’02. And all their other corporate crimes, too. Chew on THAT, dude. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

19. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Oh good, so I’m not the only one to notice the irony of an old racist calling for a civil-rights uprising against LGBTs. I hereby call for Puke-Cannon to drop dead.

20. Alan Fucking Jones. Are we caught in a time warp AGAIN? Last time “left-wing radicals” were bombing shit, it was the 1970s. And that stuff was already getting old for the left even then. What will this crazy codger say when it turns out that the bomber was a right-winger, and not a leftist or a Muslim as all the crazy wackaloons of the right have already decided?

21. Esther Irene Fucking Stokes. Well, I never. Racism is now a criminal defence! Only it’s not. It’s quite possible to dislike black people and still sexually abuse a black child. In fact, the two go together rather frequently. The southern history of slavery should bear that out.

22. Steve Fucking Emerson. Yeah, that’s right. Saudi student is just a Saudi student. An INNOCENT Saudi student. Feeling stupid yet? For that matter, have you begun to feel stupid about Oklahoma City yet?

23. Mark Fucking Sanford. Just couldn’t stay away from the ex-wife once you got engaged to the “Appalachian Trail”, eh? If there’s such a thing as an embarrassment addict, this dude is it. Or else he just has no idea how fucking bad he looks on all fronts. Jayzus.

24. Louie Fucking Gohmert. “Radicial Islamists are trained to act Hispanic” — and radical idiots are trained to act Repugnican. Oh wait, that’s not training? He’s just naturally fucking stupid and racist? Gawlee, Gomer. It’s getting so hard to tell. PS: Also, way to explain the APARTHEID wall of shame in Palestine, Gomer. You stupid, stupid fuck.

25. Peter Fucking Hansen. Now that all women know that we’re just “vaginas” to him (and I’m sure he was dying to call us something much worse, which means essentially that), I think we can safely start thinking of him as a dickhead. A teeny, weeny, microscopic MOSQUITO dickhead. PS: Non-apology is non-accepted. Also, PENIS.

26. Tommy Fucking Tucker. No, Senator, you’re not the one dictating public policy. Your constituents are. Your job is to LISTEN. And to take their will to Capitol Hill. Did you flunk civics, and is that a requirement for being a Repug these days?

27. George Fucking Osborne. Why?

That’s why. The weaselly little face says it all. And the misplaced tears, too.

28. David Fucking Norris. Surprise! Holding a knife to a Muslim’s throat and demanding that she take off her headscarf because “this is England”, is assault. And it makes you nothing but a common, racist thug.

29. John Fucking Kerry. Latin America is NOT your backyard. It is a group of sovereign nations, all of whom are your NEIGHBORS, and none of whom appreciate your interference, your snobbishness, or your picking and choosing whom to recognize as “legitimate” and not. Mainly because it’s so blindingly obvious to all of them that you gringos always prefer to “recognize” as “great friends of democracy” the worst and most fascist so-called leaders, while fomenting coups against the best and most popular elected ones. And if you’re going to demand a recount in Venezuela, there’s just one question that really needs to be asked of you: Why the fuck were you not demanding one in Florida, 2000, when a dictator stole that election with the help of his cousin in the media?

30. Stephen Fucking Harper. Justin Trudeau’s comments on the Boston bombing were perfectly appropriate. What is so wrong about examining root causes of terrorism? It’s what any intelligent person ought to do. And really, what is “rationalizing or making excuses” about that, anyway? If anything, it’s better to inquire and learn than to simply lash back with violence in ignorance, as Harpo is inordinately fond of doing…to people like Justin Trudeau. Whom he seems to perceive as a threat, ha ha.

31. Bob Fucking Davis. You, pathetic fucking shock jock, can go to hell. That is all.

32. Horacio Fucking Cartes. You’d shoot yourself in the testicles if your son wanted to marry another man? Please shoot yourself in the testicles, period. It’s not like you fascists should be reproducing anyway.

33. Scott Fucking Lively. For the final time: AIDS is caused by a virus. Meningitis is caused by viruses and several strains of bacteria. Homophobic idiocy, from which YOU suffer, is a curse from God. And it usually afflicts those who have things to hide, and who think God gives a shit who you sleep with.

34. Markwayne Fucking Mullin. You think the ExxtortionMobil pipeline rupture is a GOOD sign? And that they should be patted on the back for the frankly horrible way they handled it? You really need to stop drinking fracking fluid, fuckhead.

35. George Fucking Aulenbacher. WTF kind of person are you for inviting Pam Fucking Stenzel to tell crazy-ass lies about sex and birth control to your students, and for trying to censor a girl who had the courage and good sense to point out that your abstinence-only emperor has no fucking clothes. Who do you think you are, trying to get her un-accepted from a prestigious college where she’s already BEEN accepted, just because you can’t handle the truth? What kind of person does such things? A person of bad character, that’s who.

36. Ted Fucking Cruz. Is anyone else struck by the irony of a man who looks and acts exactly like Tailgunner Joe McCarthy being paranoid as hell about a fictional, confiscatory gun registry? Oh good. Glad I’m not the only one.

37. Glenn Fucking Reynolds. Is anyone else stuck by the irony of a professional bully and feckin’ eejit, who calls himself an “Instapundit”, accusing a woman who nearly died of a gunshot to the head…of BULLYING? Oh good. Glad I’m not the only one.

38. Jim Fucking Karygiannis. Call yourself a Liberal? You’re a fucking corporate tool, a SupposiTory in red. The so-called “Venezuelan Diaspora in Canada” is nothing but a bunch of crybaby escualidos who don’t want to pay taxes on their immense wealth back home. And who can’t handle a real democratic government…which Canada, incidentally, doesn’t have. And speaking of which, why don’t you work on that, back here, instead of meddling in Venezuela? Aren’t you in the Loyal Opposition? Oh yeah, I forgot: Corporate tool, SupposiTory in red. Never mind…

39. Col Fucking Allan. When you make a mistake and publish the wrong “suspect” photos in your newspaper, you apologize and issue a retraction. You do NOT, under any circumstances, dig your heels in deeper and make lame excuses. Unless, of course, you want to be considered a drunken crypto-racist pig-fucker. Ha, ha.

40. Pat Fucking Robertson. He blames the 1980s game of Dungeons and Dragons for “destroying people’s lives”. Meanwhile, not a peep about all the damage done by bible-thumping, as for instance here.

41. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Fortunately, you don’t get to decide who gets read their Miranda rights and who doesn’t. The law does, and it is clear that EVERYONE has the right to remain silent. Which I advise YOU to do, too…as anything you say can and will be used against you to show what a fucking idiot you are.

42. Nate Fucking Bell. Here’s a tip to all you good ol’ boys from Arkansas, who think an AR-15 is the answer to everything: Not in Boston, it ain’t.

43. Ann Fucking Coulter. Why?

That’s why. I can’t wait till someone drives a stake through her, so I can make mean jokes about it. And, unlike hers, mine won’t be lame.

44. Samantha Fucking Brick. No, Joan Collins is NOT right. Being on a constant diet depletes your brain cells. And you’re the living proof of that, since you’re still married to that unattractive slob who thinks he has the right to keep you thin and deluded.

45. Michael Fucking Potter. You don’t know why you’re against contraception? Funny, that’s what your pope says, too.

46. Jeff Fucking Duncan. The day the Drudge Report becomes a “reliable news source” is the day we all find ourselves through the Looking Glass. That ain’t nothin’ but a shitty right-wing gossip blog…and is there really any other kind?

47. Michael Fucking Savage. I’m not even sure why I’m bothering with this asshat. He’s been a one-note wonder for years. Nevertheless, for his part in promoting the bogus theory of the Saudi student, he’s listed.

48. Mike Fucking Duffy. Quel surprise! Puffy hasn’t paid back the taxpayer money he wasted on fraudulent travel claims for his nonexistent residency in Prince Edward Island. Typical Conservative greedhead, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. And by the looks of him, he’s already eaten way too much.

49. Tony Fucking Perkins. Sexual liberalism caused the Boston bombing! Oh lordy, lordy, good Gordie. Actually, one senses that if either of those guys had been getting laid on a regular basis, they’d have had less motivation to try and make their mark in a more destructive way. As would, for that matter, Tony Fucking Perkins.

50. Greg Fucking Ball. Oh look, another Repug who believes torture will work on Suspect #2. Waterboard this motherfucker and see how it “works” on him, I say.

And finally, to all the fucking conspiracy-spinning twoofers out there. Can’t you people wait till you get all the facts, instead of relying on third-rate hearsay and the usual vague theories of a nameless, faceless “global elite” being behind the Boston bombing? Oh wait, that would conflict with your pwecious flibbertigibbertarian ideology. You’d rather think that the government is out to control your feeble minds than bother to change it for the better, and make it more responsible for regulations that would prevent tragedies like this and the one in West, Texas. Well, guess what: You’re in good company. The guys who laid those bombs are apparently not so different from you, or at least their militantly religious families are. And it seems that they, in their own way, are anti-government nutjobs, too. So yeah, chew on that. And if it feels like you’re chewing your own toes, it’s because you fucking ARE.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Yup, I’m still “mourning” the “loss” of Maggie Fucking Thatcher. Just like I’m “mourning” her pedophile pal, Jimmy Fucking Savile, in the picture above. Which is to say I’m still only sorry it didn’t happen sooner. A LOT sooner. It would have saved so much anger, indignation and mourning in other quarters. And you know who else I won’t be mourning, because they will be no loss either? These people, in no particular order…

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. How singularly appropriate that she compares herself to the so-called Iron Lady. Both are politically dead and have been for some time. And there’s not much going on with either one’s grey matter anymore, either. PS: Remember when Maggie didn’t want to see her? Good times. PPS: And hey! Here’s something they actually do have in common. They both don’t need no education!

2. Allen Fucking Vigneron. Careful there, Archbishop. If you tell all the Catholics who support same-sex marriage to excommunicate themselves, you might just end up staring at an empty church, wondering where everybody went!

3. Tom Fucking Matlack. Oh, you poor projecting baby. All those evil feminists criticizing you for being such a Nice Guy™. And for the way you pat them on the head and tell them to stop fighting for women’s rights and making a “zero-sum” game out of equality! How dare they decide for themselves what feminism is, without your MRA-lite input? Bitches!

4. F. W. Fucking De Klerk. Maggie Thatcher was a “steadfast critic of apartheid”? When? Where? All I remember is how she used to slam Nelson Mandela for being a leftist, and how much she supported South Africa at a time when popular opinion was turning against it, on account of apartheid.

5. Star Fucking Parker. Slave plantations were run by liberal Democrats? Ooooohahahahahaha. That’s a good one. Almost as good as #4.

6. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Once again, must resist the temptation to sing “His name is my name too, tra-la-la”. And once again, ugh, the projections of his own sick sexual fantasies. I’ve never seen a same-sex marriage consisting of “three women and a dog”. Only ones consisting, boringly, of two men or two women. As for “recruiting”: If these military-style “recruiters” exist, I’ve never met one. Very poor organizing on the part of the Evil Homo-Sex-You-All Agenda!

7. Daniel Fucking Foster. Behold, the soooooper-genius that inhabits the National Revisionist. Maggie Fucking Thatcher was a “feminist” all of a sudden! Uh, no. Try a bat-shit old misogynist in a skirt, Dan.

8. Mark Fucking Levin. Look who’s calling for a Night of the Long Knives! And conservatives wonder why we think they’re all Nazis? Well, maybe we’d stop thinking it if they stopped acting it.

9. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. What a drag it is getting old, eh? Not just her, but her Cold War absolutist ideology. Enough, already! If people from the US want to travel to Cuba without a “cultural exchange” excuse, let them! The embargo hasn’t worked, and it’s not ever going to. Cuba will stay Cuba (as opposed to a bigger, more lucrative Puerto Rico). And as much as it burns Ileana’s ass, it’s just fine with the rest of the world. Which is, by the way, quite welcome on the island. Ask any Canadian who’s been there.

10. Vladimir Fucking Putin. Look who’s bought into the whole crypto-racist “European demographic crisis” panic! Yup, it’s Pooty-Poot. And he seriously thinks the answer is to simply make it illegal to be gay. Or even to just talk about it. Maggie Fucking Thatcher tried that, Pooty. It didn’t work.

11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. For a man who’s been through three failed marriages (and is working on #4), never produced an offspring, and who is widely suspected of pedophilia, the Pigman sure seems to have taken a concern-trolly interest in kiddies all of a sudden. And given the way he’s projecting it all onto Melissa Harris-Perry, that can only mean one thing: Parents, lock up your kids! Rush is AFTER them!

12. Mitch Fucking McConnell. He must be really scared of Ashley Judd, because why else were his flunkies plotting to trash her? Well, now at least the Bitch doesn’t have to worry about her anymore, because she’s not running. Her own chickenshit party saw to that. Good job, you guys! PS: Ha, ha. The Bitch really is a whiny one, ain’t he? PPS: Ha, ha, ha. Karma’s an even bigger bitch.

13. William Fucking Blakely. Life in Tennessee must be really fucking boring if you have to get your jollies by honking your horn at women on the street while driving 90 miles per hour…and WANKING, all at the same time.

14. Liz Fucking Cheney. So, I hear you want to become a senator. Can’t you take a hint from your old man’s resounding unpopularity? No, of course you can’t. You’re a Cheney. You’re totally deaf to everything but the roar of your massive, overblown fucking ego.

15. Patriarch Fucking Kirill. Yes, that’s right, Pooty-Poot’s Numero Uno Amigo and Bestest Fwiend 4Evarrrrrr is a wanker, too…for being predictably, essentialistically, and oppressively fucking sexist. An old man who supposedly took a vow of poverty but wears a gold watch, presuming to tell women what to do with their bodies. Not for nothing did Karl Marx say religion was the opiate of the masses. NOW do you know why Pussy Riot revolted against both of these bastards? I’m actually on the verge of wishing Russia were communist again. Thanks a fuckload, you guys.

16. John Fucking Lydon. And on the other side of the ledger, there’s Johnny Fucking Rotten, who, interestingly, suffers from the exact same problem as Pooty-Poot and his sidekick Kirill the Kleptocrat. Yes, that’s right, more sexism. Maybe Pussy Riot should protest him, too. What kind of punk-rock spirit is this “woman, know thy place” shit, anyway? Are all three of them impotent, and is THAT the problem? PS: No, seriously, Johnny: FUCK YOU.

17. Stephen Fucking Harper. Don’t adjust your TV sets, folks. It’s only Harpo, trying again, and in vain, to paint everything in Canada SupposiTory blue. Wonder how much his Photoshop disaster is costing us taxpayers this time.

18. Brad Fucking Paisley. Dude, trust me…there is NOTHING accidental about your racism. It is bred in the bone, and the product of your good ol’ cracker upbringing. That is all.

19. Ted Fucking Nugent. Another day, another racist death threat, another promise the Noodge hasn’t met. Another song, another dance, another skidmark in his pants. Yawwwwn. Sing a new song, already!

20. Michelle Fucking Presnell. She wants to stop Muslim prayers in the name of “religious freedom”. BTW, this was in North Carolina…yes, the state where her fellow Repugs are trying to create a state religion, in direct contravention of the separation of church and state. Yo, Michelle? Look up IRONY. No, not in your bible. Use a dictionary, dumbass.

21. Ben Fucking Carson. Yeah, cancelling your talk would be a VERY good idea. Especially if all you can do during it is mouth platitudes about “traditional marriage”, not realizing that marriage has already been redefined several times throughout the centuries.

22. Kevin Fucking Purfield. There may be a special place in hell for people who harass the families of shooting victims, but here on Earth there’s another place, one that will do just fine for you. It’s called JAIL.

23. Gladys Fucking Zimmerman. Funny, lady, but you and I have very different notions of what it means for a justice system to fail. I thought it failed when the guy who killed Trayvon Martin wasn’t arrested, simply because Trayvon was black and his killer was only “standing his ground” in a pre-emptive attack, preceded by the immortal words, “fucking coon”. You…seem to think your son is innocent, despite a preponderance of evidence suggesting otherwise. And as much as you’d like to believe that’s a “media myth”, there’s a dead kid in his grave, and he ain’t no myth.

24. Donnell Fucking Baines. Dude, you seem to have problems understanding the concept of free will. Women don’t come back to a pimp because they WANT to; they come back because they know the motherfucker is gonna hunt them down and kill them if they don’t. Nobody wants to be a pimp’s slave. But hey! Now you’ve got 62 years to think that one over. And if there’s any justice in the world, some big ugly dude named Bubba is gonna make you into what you made those girls.

25. Pat Fucking Robertson. Shorter: We can’t have peace and a two-state solution in the Middle East. God wants WAR WAR WAR! Yes, Patwa, and Cthulhu wants YOU YOU YOU!

26. Rick Fucking Santorum. Not only is he a whiny little bully and a shit-stain on your sheets, he’s also an $18,000 WANKER. PS: And a liar.

27. Ann Fucking Coulter. What does it take to get the Coultergeist off of FUX Snooze? A death threat, framed as a lame “joke”, against Meghan McCain. Yes, that’s right, she’s talking elimination now. Can we just eliminate her from the public eye altogether, PLEASE?

28. Shawn Fucking Akers. Can you make hide or hair of his paranoid word soup? Drop me a line in the comments slot if you can.

29. Glenn Fucking Beck. Speaking of paranoid word soup: Glenn Fucking Beck, ladies and gentlemen. He’s still alive, and speaking from an underground bunker. And bawling his eyes out because his personal physician isn’t coming fast enough with the “vitamin” shots.

30. Rand Fucking Paul. Yeah, who needs civil rights, anyway? Oh, only the black college kids you’re trying to convince otherwise. You, a privileged white boy who’s never had to fight for a thing in his life because it all gets handed to you by default. What would you know? Everything, you think? Dude. You know nothing. NOTHING. Now go home and let that sink in.

31. Alan Fucking Keyes. Actually, you do have a right to pick your nose and eat boogers, although whether you’d do so in public is another story. Oh wait…by reaching for stupid analogies to justify institutional homophobia, you’ve already done just that…BOOGER EATER.

32. Benjamin Fucking Curell. You know you’re impotent when you take an axe to an empty abortion clinic, to make those wicked baby-killing jezebels FEAR YOUR MIGHTY MIGHTY MANHOOD. And God. Yeah.

33 and 34. Dave Fucking Agema and Tony Fucking Perkins. Schools make kids gay? Mary, PLEASE. Guys, when are you two gonna get a room and get naked and awkward together? Come on…you know you wanna!

35. Pamela Fucking Geller. Finally, word is getting out. This harpy is persona non grata in synagogues, since all she ever does is talk idiotic smack about Muslims, and clearly knows nothing about their religion — or even her alleged own, for that matter. The only news that could please me more is to hear that she’s gone broke and her server is permanently down.

36. Pam Fucking Stenzel. Wow, professional slut-shamers actually exist! And some of them are female! Hey, Pam? I can look into people’s eyes and tell things about them, too…and what I see in yours is that you’re a motherfucking LUNATIC.

37. Stacey Fucking Campfield. “Using children as props is shameful,” says the idiot who thinks nothing of using children as dartboards for his punitive “welfare” policies. Fortunately, the eight-year-old “prop” in this instance totally pwned him.

38. Lisa Fucking Biron. Well, now we all know what “family values” really means. It means making lesbian porn with one’s own underage daughter. Hey, gotta keep it all in the family, right? Otherwise, the Homo-Sex-You-All Agenda WINS!

39. Bill Fucking Donohue. And sticking with Family Values, we finally also know what the real purpose of marriage is. It’s PROCREATION! Not love, not happiness, not publicly recognizing a union, none of that mooshy-gooshy stuff. Nope…it’s just all about churning out the kids. Soullessly, mindlessly and lovelessly, of course.

40. Carol Fucking Thatcher. Oh “golliwog”, oh golly gee. The apple doesn’t fall far from the racist tree, I see.

41. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Being as well acquainted with the Gay Agenda™ as I am, which is to say, about as well as a straight person CAN be, I can honestly say that I haven’t heard any of my gay friends discussing a fiendish plot to make Christians wear yellow stars. Or crosses. Or triangles. Or anything else, for that matter. About all they have been discussing is making it safe and legal to be gay, and legal to marry one’s gay partner, and illegal to beat gay people up on the street, or in a bar, or wherever. Some fucking Holocaust THAT turns out to be!

42. Willie Fucking Colón. Ruben Blades wouldn’t be caught walking down to the corner with him. Neither would anyone in Puerto Rico. This is what you get for insulting the president of Venezuela. Sucks to be you, Willie!

43. Steve Fucking Stockman. “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted”? Guh. That makes a shitload of sense, considering that babies are only babies once born. And who is stupid enough to give a child a gun? Whenever the Revolution comes to the United States of Amnesia, the first to face the firing squad should be the politicians whose entire philosophies fit on stupid fucking bumper stickers.

44. Steven Fucking Crowder. And speaking of bumper-sticker sloganeering by tweeting twats, how about FUX Snooze’s own Mr. UnFunny? Yeah, asshole, sorry to shock you, but your constitution actually doesn’t guarantee the right to own a gun, unless you’re part of a well-regulated militia. So, unless you’ve joined the military, you’re shit outta luck, stupid fuck. On the other hand, it does indeed guarantee the right to healthcare…”promote the general welfare” mean anything to you? Read the Preamble, and STFU about the Second Fucking Amendment, already.

45. Dana Fucking Perino. As a counterpoint to all the people out there telling Dubya’s former spokestwit NOT to quit her day job, I’m going to say: Yes, Dana, please do quit your day job. But not to become a rapper. I want you to just go…the fuck…AWAY. Oak hay?

46. Joe Fucking Arpaio. No, Sheriff, that documentary didn’t set out to make you look racist. You do that just by being yourself.

47. Jean-Denis Fucking Rouillon. Bras are evil and will make your boobs sag! So don’t wear one…unless you’re no longer young, small or perky enough to go braless. In which case, you should wear that saggy-making industrial-strength armor-plated underwire, you gross vache. (Seriously, what is this guy, a jiggle freak? Mais oui.)

48. Kathleen Fucking Parker. If you can’t control your guns, you shouldn’t be allowed to own one. That’s how gun control actually works, believe it or not. Also: Nancy Lanza taught her mentally ill son how to “responsibly” use guns? Yeah. So responsibly, he stole several of hers, killed her with one, then shot up an entire fucking school. This much stoopid all in one heap can’t be healthy, and shouldn’t be legal either.

49. Andrew Fucking Wakefield. Yes, that’s right…the “doctor” who was disgraced for his claim that measles vaccine causes autism. This time, he’s wanking about how it’s the public health authorities, and not his bogus theories, that are to blame for measles outbreaks resulting from panicky parents refusing to vaccinate their kids just because of some pseudo-scientific crap they got off the Internet. Which leads us right back to Andrew Fucking Wakefield. He couldn’t be more responsible for the outbreak if he’d injected the kids with measles virus himself.

50. Boris Fucking Johnson. Hark! The Perambulating Haystack Otherwise Known as the Lord Mayor of London hath spoken. And lo! What came out was a complete and utter (and boringly predictable) wank. A statue to Iron Tits in Trafalgar Square? Yeah, that’ll go over well. And by “go over well”, I mean it will be covered in graffiti and rotten produce in no time.

And finally, to “Eperez”, at 114.163.130.198. This troll thought to give me a lecture about how falling-to-shit awful things are in Venezuela after 14 years of Chavecito. And even had the temerity to tell me to stay there for a year to find out what horrors s/he had had to live through, boo-hoo. Dude or dudette, I’d feel a lot more chastened if (a) you had written it in Spanish, so I knew you could at least speak the language (I can understand it, you know — I translated the news item you pooped on!), and (b) you weren’t writing it from Sendai, Miyagi Prefecture…JAPAN. But hey, thanks for the feedback, anyway. You’ve shown me a couple of very interesting things: (a) how desperate and shameless you silly escualidos really are, to be scolding me from so far outside of Venezuela; (b) how stupid you think we North Americans are (you might have a point there, if you were talking to one who believed everything our lovely anglo crapaganda mills told us); and (c) HELLO, THIS IS WHY YOUR CANDIDATES KEEP LOSING ELECTIONS. Nobody is dumb enough to vote for such transparent liars…except another fucking escualido!

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Oh, that Kim Jong-un…what a card. Ha, ha. Threatening Gringolandia with nuclear annihilation, dang. Guess Dennis Rodman didn’t get that “call me maybe” message to His Barackness fast enough. Pity. Anyway, if you think Kim Jong-un was the biggest buffoon this week, you’d be wrong, because there were plenty of others even bigger. MUCH bigger. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Sue Fucking Everhart. Somehow, I can’t see many straight people taking advantage of same-sex marriage for tax and benefits reasons. If they wanted to do that, why not just fake-marry another straight person of the OPPOSITE sex, like so many people do already? Or…and this’ll blow your mind…how about a GAY person of the opposite sex? They marry “straight” like that all the time already. And none of you sex-obsessed right-wing wankhards ever seem to wonder how they fit THEIR genitals together…

2. John Fucking Baird. He’s embarrassed by some very good questions from a Jordanian reporter? That’s nothing. We’ve been embarrassed for quite some time already, as a nation, by his inept fuckeries on the international stage. And, trust me, my foreign friends…we can hardly wait to see his back lumber off into the sunset. Or a maximum-security prison. Preferably not on YOUR soil.

3. Paolo di Fucking Canio. When is a Nazi salute not a Nazi salute? When it’s done by an Italian fascist who’s not really an “ideological fascist”. Confused yet? I’m not. I say that if you’re not a fascist, you don’t go around giving fascist hand-snaps, unless you want your ass kicked by people who are NOT amused by your attempts to confuse. And if you ARE a fascist, you still don’t go around making that gesture…unless you want your fascist ass kicked by those to whom it is no better than a fuck-finger between the eyes.

4. Donald Fucking Wuerl. So, gays are supposed to “make room” for Catholic bigots who want to tell them how to live? And divorced Catholics on their second marriage, and people who can’t have kids, etc., etc.? Other way around, Pedophile Enabler. This is why you’re hemorrhaging members. It’s the intolerance, stupid!

5. Pat Fucking Robertson. Well, this is a new one on me. Patwa thinks God hands out miracles on the basis of education? Meaning, the stupider and less educated you are, the more miracles you get? Well, I suppose it looks that way. If you’re not terribly bright and don’t have much education, that is. And if you hand a lot of money to Patwa for “miracles” that never come.

6. Brian Fucking Cranford. While it pains me to wank-list a child, I think I’d better, just to show you what I meant in the entry above. This is what you REALLY get when you lack education, kiddies. Not miracles. Just homophobia, self-righteousness, and a Junior Fred Fucking Phelps who thinks God “called” him to be a professional bigot at an early age. And to tell gay people to die. On Easter Sunday. Yeah, God hands out miracles on the basis of an utter lack of a sense of irony, too.

7. Timothy Fucking Dolan. Back to #4 and pedophile enablers for a moment. Yeah, gay people are entitled to friendship; that’s why we fag-hags exist. We’re their friends. But we can’t marry them straight, and we don’t want to. We want to see them find their own perfect, lovely, GAY partners, and marry THEM. If they’re so inclined, that is. And if it’s legal…which, in any event, it SHOULD be.

8. Dave Fucking Agema, AGAIN. Woop woop woop woop! Sorry, that was my gaydar going off. It has a funny way of doing that around loud ‘n’ proud professional homophobes.

9. Kenneth Fucking Kurran. Yeah, that was a real brilliant move, using Craigslist to send clueless horny men to sexually harass your ex, instead of doing it yourself. I can’t imagine why she dumped you!

10. Matt Fucking Drudge. It doesn’t take much to April-Fool him, does it? No, it doesn’t! Ha, ha.

11. Patrick Fucking Brazeau. He tweeted that he’s resigning from the Senate…on April Fool’s Day. Ha, ha, very funny. Now make our day and do it for real, you fucking wanker.

12. Rand Fucking Paul. Quick…what are the tenets of libertarian foreign policy? Why, just the same old gringo imperialism as ever. Duh!

13. Paul Fucking Carr. Oh, the evils of social media…Teh Tweeter got the NYT to clean up its shitty lede! Horrors! A firestorm of…what? Oh, never mind. Yvonne Carr was a ROCKET SCIENTIST, and that is how the world should remember her. Her fabulous Beef Stroganoff may be what her family remember, but in the grand scheme of things, it is actually irrelevant. Kind of like Paul Fucking Carr, in other words. Yeah, it takes a brave man to adopt an oh-so-daring “post-feminist” stance and say that we’re now past all the bad stuff and it’s okay to go back to the good ol’ Feminine Mystique and celebrate women’s homemaking, maternity, etc., as their proudest achievements. And that this should go unchallenged by social media’s great unwashed. Kirche, Küche, Kinder über alles! And if you don’t see the sexism of that after fifty fucking years of Betty Friedan, try switching out the sexes. Of how many men is it trumpeted in their obituaries that they were great cooks, housekeepers, etc.? Unless they were Cordon Bleu chefs (like Julia Child!) or the concierges of grand hotels, the answer is NONE. Unless a man is being paid, and paid handsomely, to do those jobs, that’s all just women’s work. Not worthy of a man, in other words, but good for a posthumous pat on her head, to reassure the world that she did count for something after all. Just, you know, not what she was paid to do by those who value satellites holding their orbits.

14. Rick Fucking Santorum. Guess this was Icky Ricky Buttsploodge’s time to pull a Dan Quayle. Remember Murphy Brown and all the single mothers she allegedly spawned? Yeah, Will and Grace was what made same-sex marriage an issue. Meanwhile, my best friend and I were Will and Grace more than ten years before that show was even on the air. And my friend married his boyfriend in 1990…a full eight years before the show hit the airwaves, and 14 years before same-sex marriage became legal here in Canada, if you’re counting. OMG…that means my best friend and I were the REAL reason same-sex marriage became an issue! Oh gosh, I guess we opened a can of worms, didn’t we? Sorry, everybody!

15 and 16. Carl Fucking Ford and Harry Fucking Warren. What part of the First Amendment do teabaggers not understand? Oh, only ALL OF IT. And it seems they’re pretty shaky on the rest of the US constitution, too. And the Treaty of Tripoli, which clearly says that there is no state religion anywhere in the US of A. For that matter, they can’t even remember their own state’s laws and judicial rulings. Oops! Time to go back to school, guys, and learn some history and civics. If you really want to get out of the feds’ jurisdiction, why don’t you remember what you wingnuts were saying during the 1960s: “America, love it or leave it!”

17 and 18. Tuve Fucking Skånberg and Annelie Fucking Enochson. Got scary news for you, ladies: A third human sex already exists, and always has. And it has done so independent of all the physical gender transitions which medical science has made possible in the last century. It’s nothing new, it’s more common than most people realize, and it can’t be caused by leaving trans-people unsterilized. I just find it hilarious to hear this nonsense coming from Sweden, of all places, because that’s where the first fully transsexual women received their surgeries.

19. Ken Fucking Cuccinelli. Yes, the Cooch is back in the news. Yes, it’s another sex wank. And this time, he wants to make “gay” sex practices such as oral and anal sex illegal even for straight people to do. Even consensually. I can’t wait to hear how, as governor of Virginia (!), he plans to enforce that prohibition. Will there be HUAC-style witch-hunts in which Virginians are all mercilessly interrogated about how, when, where and with whom they’ve done what? Or will spy-eyes be planted outside every bedroom in the state? Details: the devil is in ‘em.

20. Dudley Fucking Brown. There’s a time to utter death threats, and a time to shut the fuck up. You’ve done the former already. Now, do the latter. And hand over your gun, too, since you’re plainly not to be trusted with it.

21. Mike Fucking Pence. At a time when so many other states are legalizing pot, or getting ready to, Indiana is slipping back into the Dark Ages of Reefer Madness…and this goobernator is why. I’d ask what he’s smoking, but I think I already know.

22. Justin Fucking Bieber. Cruelty to animals? Yup. Taking a monkey away from its mother too soon is inexcusable. As is schlepping it around on tour. And as for what he named the poor little munk — the less said, the better.

23. Courtney Fucking Stodden. Shark: JUMPED. Also, EWWWWWWWW. PS: Are we absolutely certain that the gropey corpse in that picture isn’t in fact her husband?

24. Tyler Fucking Perry. For two reasons: Casting the world’s most wooden actress, Kim Fucking Kardashian (why? why?? why???), and for normalizing rape culture via the madonna/whore dichotomy. Sucky sexist clichés anyone? How many reasons do we need NOT to watch a movie?

25. Stephanie Fucking Starling. Somehow, it just seems strangely appropriate that someone grifting on a sugar-daddy site is a “proud Romney supporter”, too. Shit, why work when you can just extort some horny married bozo with more money than brains? And of course, being a proud Romney supporter, you just know she’s one of those hypocrites who turn around and tell other people to get jobs, other women not to be whores, etc., etc.

26. Reince Fucking Priebus. Nobody supports infanticide. Nobody said they supported it, either. Now, WHERE ARE THE FUCKING JOBS???

27. Jeremy Fucking Irons. Boring actor is a concern troll. Saying that gay marriage will suddenly make it okay for fathers to marry their own sons is like saying that straight marriage makes it already okay for fathers to marry their own daughters. Incest isn’t just illegal for heterosexuals, or because of breeding issues, or because of inheritance taxation; it’s illegal across the board, because it does real and lifelong psychological harm. And no, same sex marriage will NOT change that. PS: Ewwww. Well, then. I guess Mr. Irons won’t mind if I reach behind me and crack his nuts while he’s busy fondling my bum, eh?

28. Colin Fucking Craig. “Taxpayer” advocate is a racist prick masquerading as a crusader for the over-picked pocketbooks of poor, beleaguered rich whites. There is simply no other explanation for his bizarre antics and heckling of First Nations speakers.

29. Joe Fucking Oliver. Gotta hand it to Joe, he’s one helluva great recycler. Too bad that what he recycles is nothing more than figures pulled out of some bankster economist’s ass.

30. Michael Fucking Reagan. Blah blah blah GAY MARRIAGE blah blah POLYGAMY blah blah blah blah BESTIALITY blah blah blabbity blah blah MURDER blah blah blibbity-blabbity blah.

31. Keith Fucking Ablow. Again with the tired old polygamy trope! Listen, Ah-blow-me, we’ve had same sex marriage here in Canada for nearly a decade now, and I’m still single. That’s right: No harem of husbands. And no other Canadian woman has that, either. Know why? BECAUSE WE DIDN’T LEGALIZE POLYGAMY, YOU STUPID FUCK.

32. Sam Fucking Harris. Poor baby, wouldums like a hankie? Yes, dear, I know. It’s so harsh to be tripped up by your own stupid, bigoted words, isn’t it? Especially since they prove only one thing: that you militant atheists are just as dangerous, barbaric and disgusting as all the other militant religionists out there. You know, the ones you make a tidy cottage industry out of hatemongering and warmongering against?

33. Richard Fucking Allen. Oh dear, someone is STILL confused by the difference between Zionism and Judaism. And by the fact that Roger Waters isn’t an anti-Semite, he’s an anti-Zionist and an anti-apartheid rocker. And above all, by the fact that there are Jews out there who feel the same way about Israeli apartheid as Roger Waters does. LOTS of them.

34. Tony Fucking Merchant. Not only has he made unconscionable amounts of money off Native survivors of residential schools as their supposed legal advocate (spoiler: he’s in MAJOR trouble with the Law Society), he’s also been squirreling it away in the Crook — er, COOK — Islands. Sorry about that Freudian slip. (Ha, no, not really.)

35. Al Fucking Gerhart. Oklahoma was never very clean to begin with, and now it’s truly filthy, thanks to the local teabaggers and their smear tactics. But then again, feh — who cares about sustainability and the future? Not these guys. They’re all old farts fixin’ to die anyway. Shit, why should THEY worry?

36. Steven Fucking Ertelt. Actually, most women who’ve had abortions don’t regret them (they regret only becoming pregnant in the first place), and they also don’t come forward with sob stories about how much they regret “killing their babies”, as you so charmingly (and inaccurately) put it. They just quietly pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and get on with the business of life. Which, no doubt, is something you so-called pro-lifers would be only too happy to deny those uncorralled jezebels, if you only had your way. Which, thank Goddess, you never will.

37. Ronald Fucking Depellegrin. It’s bad enough that cops are busting hookers, and not the johns. But when the cops ARE the johns, that’s even worse. Worst of all is insisting on getting a BJ…before busting her. If that isn’t a slimeball tactic, I don’t know what is.

38. Barack Fucking Obama. Since when are attorneys-general hired on the basis of their looks? Since, oh, only NEVER. Would he have said this if Kamala Harris were a man? No…he’d be focused on the capabilities, which is as it should be in the case of any appointee, regardless of sex. PS: And for all those dudes who STILL don’t get it, here. READ.

39. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. In an age of smartphones that can literally do just about everything but clean the kitchen sink, who’s going to shell out extra for one that only has one function — and such a lame one, at that? Facebook Phone FAIL.

40. Rick Fucking Ross. He wrote an ungrammatical song about drugging a woman’s champagne and then having sex with her, “and she [didn't] even know it.” He perpetuated rape culture, and he didn’t even know it. Well, now he does know it. And his apology kinda-sorta sucks.

41. Robert Fucking Kirkman. Misogynist men generally have issues (read: PROBLEMS; read: SMALL DICKS) with strong women. That’s science.

42. Chris Fucking Matthews. Do women worry about domestic violence? Well, seeing as most of it happens to us and not dudes, I would have to go with a resounding DUH!!!

43 and 44. Brian Fucking Kilmeade and Steve Fucking Doocy. Why are these two brainless hacks being paid so much to tell people struggling on SUB-minimum wage pay (we’re talking RESTAURANTS here) to “get another job” when the one they work already has full-time hours and they’re dead on their feet? Tell ya what, guys, why don’t you do some real journalism for a change, and try living in waiters’ shoes. Take a full week off your regular cushy job and just wait tables in a restaurant, with hidden cameras tracking your efforts to work long hours, for shitty pay, on feet that are killing you, smiling and faking nice throughout. Better still, do what this young British journalist did and try living like a homeless person. You deserve that death more than he did.

45. Patti Fucking Burke. No, that is NOT a cross, nor is it a crown, much less a sign from God on your fucking goldfish cracker, lady. It is the impression of the head of a Phillips screw. And hard evidence, in case anyone needs it, of why I yell “Jesus H. Christ on a cracker!” when some idiot attaches superstitious meanings to snacks. (I’ll show myself out now.)

46. John Fucking Shearen. Florida’s current #1alleged distributor of kiddie porn looks…well, pretty much the way I expected him to. And since the police arrested him in flagrante, downloading more of the shit, he also BEHAVES pretty much the way I expected him to.

47. Roy Fucking Blunt. Why?

That’s why. Anywhere else in the world, that shit would be called by its right name: CORRUPTION. But in the US of Amnesia, it’s just Big Bidness, gettin’ its lobbying money’s worth.

48. John Fucking Boehner. Y’know, Boner, my mother always taught me to read things BEFORE throwing them out. Didn’t yours ever teach you anything? But look who I’m talking to. You’re a Repug! Manners are for the Little People. The ones who aren’t tanned and pickled in gin. Right?

49. Roxanne Fucking Jones. How nice it must be to live in a world where mindless casual sexism is a “compliment”, and if anyone doesn’t like it, that just means that bitches be jealous, and nothing more. Where do I find this bulletproof plastic bubble you speak of, and how do I get in?

50. Christopher Earl Fucking Strunk. Dude. Stop with the birther bullshit. You are wasting time and money on a bogus conspiracy with nothing at the bottom of it all. Pay your fine and go away. The long-form birth certificate has been released, and there is nothing more to see. You’re just making an even bigger ass of yourself than you already are.

And finally, to the crapaganda lamestream media. Why?

That’s why. You don’t report; you just make shit up and copy other made-up shit. And you wonder why nobody trusts you anymore? I think this might be a fucking clue. Here’s a hot story tip for you, not that you’re likely to use it: Go to the Cayman Islands. Or the Cook Islands. Or the British Virgin Islands, or the Channel Islands. Go to any little “offshore” country where there are lots of banks, no taxes, and governments who obligingly look the other way. There are literally billions of dollars’ worth of tax evasion still waiting to be reported there, and THAT is the real danger to global security. What capitalists do while the rest of the world sleeps will always be a bigger scandal than something some little commie dude in North Korea supposedly said (and actually, DID NOT say.)

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, hasn’t this just been the loveliest week for finding out where our Dear Leader’s priorities lie? He cares more about a couple of imported bamboo-munchers than about all us local folk and our home and native land. No offence to pandas, but seriously, if I were a panda, I’d be offended by Harpo. And as it stands, I’m plenty offended by all the other oily ignorami out there. And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Todd Fucking Kincannon. “What do you get when you combine asshattery and jizzwhistlery with a side of epic douchebaggery”, he asks? Why, you get @ToddKincannon! Yeah, calling an antiwar vet a cocksucker who should have come home in a body bag is totally keeping it classy. So is insulting the memory of the best president in the Western Hemisphere. Todd, do the world a favor: Go skin-diving in Mako Alley. Preferably without a shark cage. You’re not morally fit to lick Mike Prysner’s boots.

2. Gary Fucking Bauer. You think the end of official homophobia is a BAD thing? Bad for you, maybe, because it means you’ll be left without a choir to preach to. But that’s not a bad thing, either. That choir was a bunch of dreary drones, and their hymns sucked.

3 and 4. Scott Fucking Walker and Marc Fucking Thiessen. How fucking perfect is it that a wanker of a right-wing governor hires a ghostwriter who’s a torture proponent? I know, I know!

5. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. Just when we Germans were getting set to live that whole Nazi thing down, along comes this assclown with his “White Student Union” (why is that shit allowed???) and their campus night patrols, making the world safer from scary black kids. Dude, change your surname. PLEASE.

6. Robert Fucking Zimmerman. Speaking of people with German surnames making the world safer from scary black kids…aw, fuck it. Dude, why not just join #5 on the peabrain patrol? PS: Nope, still not convincing.

7. Timothy Fucking Dluhos. Can’t stand to see your bigotries exposed in all their Nazified glory? Cry me a fucking river. And thanks, too, for proving the maxim that all bullies are basically cowards.

8. Barbara Fucking Amiel. Congratulations, Lady Blah-Blah, you vile, flyblown twat. You got all those page views by writing stupid fucking dreck about Steubenville, equating rape with sex, and victimhood with sluttiness! And of course, sexual harassment doesn’t exist in your widdle plastic bubble. Good for you. I hope you get your bony ass fired for that, as it should have been long ago. And while you’re at it, fuck off back to England and take your felon along.

9 and 10. Geraldo Fucking Rivera and Ann Fucking Coulter. He’s a wanker for having her on his show. Because he really should have known that she would only come to wank…and she did. And of course, since on-air masturbation gets big ratings, it was a win-win situation for everyone but the viewers, who had to sit through that ungodly homophobic drivel that she keeps spewing in her “Right Wing Judy Garland” guise.

11. The Fucking NRA. Because it’s just time that the parents of Newtown got over that massacre and opposed gun control, already. Next thing you know, they’re gonna get all victim-blamey here, too. And I’m only surprised they haven’t done it already.

12. John Fucking Ziegler. Nope, you’re not going to resurrect St. JoePa. And trying to do it by revealing the identity of that poor kid whom Jerry Sandusky raped in the Penn State showers is just beyond reprehensible — not to mention spectacularly stupid. At this point, only an asshole would ever blame those kids, or seek to make others blame them. Which, of course, leads me conveniently back to…well, you guessed it. PS: Claiming you wuz hacked isn’t going to cut it, either. More likely, you got inundated with a flood of new viewers who just couldn’t believe their eyes! PPS: Oh, Lord. Conservative cuckoobird alert!

13. Phil Fucking Pulaski. Wanna cut down the number of domestic abuse cases your cops have to look into? Then don’t bother looking into them. Instead, do criminal background checks on the victims. That way, fewer women come forward, and you manage to make everyone look bad. WIN!

14. Chris Fucking Brown. Yeah, sure, you’re not a bad guy. And you’re leaving Twitter, you say? Seems to me you’ve said that before. Dude, you’re not “past the bullshit” now…you’re MARINATING in it. Go the fuck AWAY.

15. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Yep, Gomer’s ba-ack! And this time, not content to say asinine things in the US House of Congresscritters or to the TV cameras and aghast reporters, he’s saying asinine things in his off hours. To cops. Probably while drunk off his ass.

16. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. There’s only room for one set of gonads in Italy…and it’s those of Old Bunga-Bunga Berluscoglioni. So sorry, Mars…your manhood’s gotta go. And Venus’s hands, too. Otherwise, she might be able to use them to fend of an attack from you-know-who.

17. John Fucking Boehner. Three quarters of a million dollars of taxpayer money, embezzled and wasted on the abomination called DOMA. Meanwhile, WHERE ARE THE DAMN JOBS???

18 and 19. Todd Fucking Starnes and Erick Fucking Erickson. No, Christianity hasn’t been criminalized yet. But seeing as it seems to have become a drug worse than crystal meth (opiate of the masses, ha), maybe it should be. Just look at how it’s eaten these FUX Snoozers’ brains!

20. “Dr.” Joseph Fucking Mastropaolo. Looks like somebody is about to end up at least $10,000 poorer. Because there is no scientific proof that ANYTHING in Genesis ever literally happened. Also, prepare to lose another ten gees on the idea that evolution can’t be scientifically proven…because IT ALREADY HAS. OVER AND OVER.

21. Buzz Fucking Bissinger. You thought shop-’n'-schtup chick lit was just for young women with a (deplorable) taste for Jimmy Choo and a burning ambition to travel around the world on their backs? Nope, now it’s also for lumpish middle-aged men indulging in the narcissism of shopping addiction and all its weird, quasi-sexual justifications. Equality! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Well, THAT was predictable. Let’s hope he stays in for a while.

22. Steve Fucking King. He’s dragged up a bunch of bad analogies for marriage, and somehow he missed gun ownership? Oh dearz.

23. John Fucking Kavanagh. Somehow, it’s strangely heartening to know that even the insane ultraconservatism of Aryanfuckingzona has its limits. And one of them turns out to be a desire NOT to see transgender users of public washrooms getting assaulted and killed for needing to pee.

24. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. What the fuck is “abortionism”? I don’t know, and I suspect he doesn’t, either. Because the last time I looked, no one had elevated abortion above democracy here in Canada. The majority of Canadians is solidly pro-choice, we’ve spoken out repeatedly against criminalizing a medical procedure, and that is as democratic as it gets. There is no more need to discuss the matter, in Parliament or out. And there is certainly no popular call for backdoor (back alley?) abortion legislation, either. We’ve done fine with no abortion laws on our books whatsoever for the past 25 friggin’ years.

25. Justin Fucking Bieber. WTF is up with the Bieb this week? Going half naked through Polish airports in cold weather? Spitting on neighbors? Methinks me smells a drug problem.

26. Philip Fucking Penny. Ireland’s bravest son (of a cuss) can’t take a joke. One which, oddly enough, describes him to perfection.

27 and 28. Pat Fucking Robertson and Jim Fucking Garlow. How clever of these two to suss out what the same-sex marriage movement “really” wants! Too bad it’s not at all what they claim. Well, gentlemen, here’s the spoiler: All they want is what you already have. Namely, the right to legally marry the partner of your choice. The “gay lifestyle” that’s most familiar to me is one that looks an awful lot like the “straight lifestyle” most old married straight folk have. Only it’s two dudes (or two dudettes) with the house, the minivan, the cat, the dog, and the 2.5 kids. Shocking, I know. PS: OMG, Patwa’s gone full Alex Jones. How much longer, O Cthulhu, before you take him back into your maw forever???

29. Rob Fucking Ford. Finally, we have insight into what’s ailing Robbo, and, not surprisingly, it’s spelled A-L-C-O-H-O-L. So some Toronto city council members have apparently staged a kind of intervention, which was not well received…not surprisingly either, since the other half of his problem is spelled D-E-N-I-A-L. Which ain’t no river in Egypt, Cleo.

30. Paul Fucking Hewson. Yes, that’s right. Bono has wanked again. This time, with his claim that poverty is almost eliminated in the world. Well, at least it is around HIS house. But his claim would come as quite a shock to his fellow Irishmen. Perhaps it’s just as well that Bono doesn’t live there anymore, and doesn’t pay taxes there, either.

31. Royal Fucking Mayo. Dude. Have you seen the videos and photos out of Steubenville? Because at this point, you’d have to be blind and deaf, not to mention pretty fucking STUPID, to think that the girl in them was consenting to what happened to her in any way. She was passed out, and apparently roofied. On purpose. By the guys who sexually assaulted her and took pictures and videos of it all, and even cracked horrible jokes about how “raped” she was. She was not merely drunk, and she was certainly not asking for anything. And all she wants now is two things: justice, and to be left the fuck alone. How about you oblige her, and shut the fuck up?

32. Harry Fucking Jackson. Dude. Have you seen the lawbooks? Polygamy is illegal in every state of the Union. In fact, Utah didn’t even become a state until the Mormons agreed to renounce polygamy! Meaning, it doesn’t matter if same-sex marriage becomes legal across the board tomorrow — there is no danger of polygamy “sweeping the land”, let alone “automatically”. That federal polygamy ban will stay. Besides that, basic human nature is largely monogamous. Even in Muslim countries where polygamy is allowed, most Muslim men only have one wife. Shocking, I know.

33. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Batten down the hatches, people. The Pigman just admitted defeat, and that can only mean one thing: He’s about to blow sky high! PS: Piggish projectionist is projecting, piggishly. PPS: Oh noes, another liberal conspiracy…IT’S TEH TWEETER!!!

34. Veniamin Fucking Balika. Cheesiest. Theft. EVER. (Literally!)

35. Ben Fucking Carson. No, of course nobody’s offended that you equated gays with NAMBLA. Don’t bother apologizing! Oh wait…I see that you actually didn’t. It just sucks that your “apology” is conditional on people being offended by sheer stupidity and tired old homophobic stereotypes, which you used to underpin the ridiculous idea that marriage should remain the privilege of the heterosexual…or those willing to fake it. And how is denying same-sex couples the right to marry giving them “all the same rights that anybody else has”? Or to put it another way: What medical school graduated this raging case of cognitive dissonance?

36. Kevin Fucking Cramer. If anyone needs more proof that sexism and racism come from the same place, look no further than this man, who embodies both to a disgusting perfection. I would curse him with something like “May the Windigo eat your brain”, but it seems that this has already occurred.

37. Nick Fucking D’Aloisio. Want to be a successful businesscritter before you even go to college? Then do the following two things: Invent some pointless app, and pester the shit out of others to promote and/or buy your crapp. Works every time!

38. Joe Fucking Concha. So, he’s tired of hearing about gay marriage? Well, that makes two of us; I’m tired of hearing straight dudes (whose rights have not and never will be infringed) whining about gay marriage. Really, people, this problem would all just go away if same-sex marriage were legal everywhere, and anyone who didn’t like it simply stopped yapping about it. See how simple that is? PS: I’m also tired of hearing bigots try to pass themselves off as merely “politically incorrect”. We can haz STFU, pls?

39. Don Fucking Young. Yeah, it’s been kind of a long time since it was socially acceptable to call an undocumented immigrant a “wetback”. Come to think of it, I can’t remember that time. Maybe because it was NEVER. But I bet it’s entirely socially acceptable to refer to guys like this as jackasses!

40. Dave Fucking Agema. Bogus murder statistic is bogus. Homophobe citing bogus murder statistic to justify homophobia is a…what? Water wet, Pope Catholic. Wanna know what bears do in the woods? Take a wild guess. PS: Dude, your trophy wife ain’t foolin’ no one. Get out of the damn closet already, you stink of mothballs. PPS: No, you know what’s a joke? Your petition. You’re TOAST.

41. Dana Fucking Loesch. Only in the fever swamp of a right-wing idiotess’s brain could a spoon be characterized an “assault weapon”, and gun control be about the mere “look” of a gun rather than its killing capacity. This dim bimbo actually thinks a semi-auto isn’t a military-style weapon, even though the NRA (and the gun manufacturers) themselves marketed and promoted the weapons based precisely on the fact that they ARE. Guess she missed that little history lesson. And then she went on to project her own side’s bloodlust onto the other. She asked that question only so it would never be asked of her. Chutzpah: What right-wingers have in lieu of a brain.

42. Eric Fucking Bolling. Who’s forgotten Newtown? Nobody. But I know who’s trying to bury it. And he works at FUX Snooze, taking cheap shots at his own president and projecting like mad.

43. Glenn Fucking Beck. Honestly, at this point, he’s almost beyond parody. I didn’t realize Chinese Muslims came up with the idea of education standards, but if they did, I’m forever grateful to them…for saving me from becoming a racist, paranoid fucking idiot like him.

44. Thomas Fucking McInerney. Nope, still no WMDs in Iraq. But the lieutenant-general has a brilliant idea as to why: Saddam hid them in Syria! Of course! Now it all makes sense! Only…it doesn’t, because he didn’t, and this is all just an excuse to fund the Syrian “rebels”, who are actually al-Qaida, and say, aren’t those guys supposed to be the bad guys? Ugh, my head is full of fuck. No, wait, that’s HIS head…and mine hurts from trying to follow his nonexistent logic.

45. Wade Fucking McCree. So, “gap tooth skank hoes” is a “compliment”? Well, by that token, Yeronner, I guess so is “sexist-ass philandering fuckheaded good for nothing shyster wanking around on the bench, masquerading as a judge”.

46. Steven Fucking Landsburg. Talk about stoopid questions: “Ought the law discourage such acts of rape [as what happened in Steubenville]? Should they be illegal?” Uh, they already ARE illegal in several countries, and that illegality is a major deterrent, so I guess that answers THAT question! Let’s hear how the boundaries of the body are not so “sacred” again, perfesser…but this time, after YOU have been roofied, passed around between several football players, sodomized for the delectation of the Internets (but without any incriminating “physical damage”, of course), and then branded a fag, a slut, a whore, and every other insult that the girl from the Steubenville trial had to endure. Or that Sandra Fluke had to endure from you, Rush Fucking Limbaugh, and every other conservative male fuckhead in the United States of Amnesia. Maybe THEN, you won’t have to wonder what’s wrong with the idea that a passed-out girl is some kind of “benefit” for assholes to take advantage of while she’s too incapacitated to say no! Actually…y’know what? I’m gonna go right ahead and assume that you’re just not the kind of guy who can get laid on the basis of his looks or his personality or any other redeeming characteristics, which shouldn’t be hard to prove, because you don’t have any. And that it is therefore little wonder you take such prurient interest in asking “provocative” questions which, in fact, reveal more about the asker than they do about the topic.

47. Clark Fucking Aposhian. Now do you see why strict gun controls need to exist, and why semi-autos and full-autos should be banned? It’s to keep guns (like yours!) from ending up in the hands of criminals! Duh.

48. Mohammed Fucking Morsi. What’s the matter, have you no sense of humor? Apparently not, if a funnyman faces arrest. Meet the new Egypt, same as the OLD Egypt. Time for another round of revolutions? Yeah, I think so. The people didn’t demonstrate to get rid of Mubarak only to usher in a theocracy, after all.

49. Don Fucking Cherry. No, leftists aren’t soft on crime. Sometimes, a cop killer isn’t a criminal, he’s mentally ill. Ever tried being incarcerated for a mental illness? It isn’t a slap on the wrist. And it’s no easy life being mentally ill, either…nothing like being a fucking blowhard for money, hint hint.

50. Russ Fucking George. Haida Gwaii’s waters have been poisoned, and guess who’s to blame? Some quack who once sold the Vatican a nonexistent forest, and who thinks fucking with the iron content of seawater is the way to control global warming. Yeah, that’s right: he’s using one form of pollution to (supposedly) combat the effects of another. Meanwhile, an impoverished native tribe probably won’t be doing much fishing in their ancestral waters anytime soon, thanks to this rust-dumping piece of shit.

And finally, to Stephen Fucking Harper. Is anyone fooled by his “animal loving” façade? Because I’m not, and neither should you be. All those panda photo-ops are just a cover for a heartless robot who couldn’t care less if Canadian animals, fish and fowl are displaced from their natural habitat by a pipeline ferrying oil to the Koch Bros. on one hand, and the capitalist dictatorship of China on the other. Or if that pipeline leaks and kills every lake, forest, river and aquifer in its vicinity. No, let’s just forget about our own natural legacy, and the Nishiyuu Walkers and other Idle No More demonstrations focused on protecting and preserving it — China must have our dirty oil, and we must have their endangered pandas. The fact that pandas and people alike are endangered by heavy industrial pollution in China is just gonna have to remain a dirty little ill-guarded secret. Eh?

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how was that for a week from Hades? We get one Steubenville more or less wrapped up, only to have a new one pop up in Connecticut, with all the vile rape apologism of the first and then some. And that’s not all: CPAC made like a wanker on the john, coming and going. And speaking of wankers…ah, you know the drill. In no particular order, as always, they are:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. Ha! You thought she was irrelevant? You’re right! And here she comes, back to prove it, with a big tub of sugar-fizz in one hand, a microphone in the other, and absolutely NOTHING between her ears, as always. Gotta love that Snowbilly Grifter… PS: Ha, ha. Brainless gets dissed by Bush’s Brain. Priceless!

2. Ann Fucking Coulter. And while we’re on the subject of irrelevant grifters with nothing between the ears, here you go, ladies and gentlemen (???) of CPAC. Your Coultergeist. Please, take her away. She’s babbling about Legitimate Rape, which is an illegitimate concept. And in any case, irrelevant to Bill Clinton, who only had a consensual affair, albeit a stupid one. Perhaps she got him mixed up with St. Ronald of Reagan, who WAS a forcible rapist.

3 and 4. Pamela Fucking Geller and Orly Fucking Taitz. It was a knock-down, drag-out, screeching battle to the death to see who was the biggest, dumbest fucking conservaharridan of all. Who won? Hell if I know. But thanks for the show, girls. It’s been a while since I’ve seen any quality mud-wrestling.

5. Fucking CNN. Why?

That’s why. A girl’s life got yanked out from under her by a bunch of fucking asshole football players (one of them an ex-boyfriend bent on getting revenge for her dumping him), and CNN’s rape-apologist crew is all about how THEIR lives got ruined. HELLO? No one held a gun to their heads and forced them to drug and sexually assault that girl. No one is responsible for the ruination of their lives but themselves. And you want to blame HER for that? Fuck you, you fucking Chicken Noodle Network. Next thing you know, we’re going to hear from the Three Mouseketeers of Steubenville about how the kids Jerry Sandusky molested were responsible for the ruination of his life AND the death of poor ol’ JoePa. That’s just all kinds of fucked up right there.

6. Moshe Fucking Ya’alon. In case anyone wonders whether Bibi Fucking Netanyahu is ever going to show some sense and stop encroaching on Palestinian turf, here’s your answer. And it’s a resounding fuck-you to Palestine.

7. Steven Fucking Crowder. What? He lied about being assaulted by a “union thug” last year? Well, I never. Actually, I could, and I did, because the video came out shortly after showing that Crowder had, in fact, made the first move. Several of them. Gee, I wonder what other disappointing facts about him are going to come to light over time? Like, maybe, the fact that his “I saved it for marriage and boy was it worth it” rantlet was a sham, and that he’s really a gay rentboy underneath it all? That would be MY educated guess… PS: Oh, BROTHER. Transphobia on top of it all. Whatsamatter, Stevie, do they confuse you? Or do they bring out something latent that you’d rather forget you have?

8. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Bowtie Boy seems to be keeping radio silence this week. That’s prudent of him, since his efforts to smear a certain Democratic Latino senator have hit a rather large snag. And the snag is that the prostitutes he allegedly tied to the alleged senator, are now alleging that the whole thing was made up. I don’t suppose Fucker will have the grace to fashion his bowtie into a noose, but one can always hope.

9. Giorgos Fucking Katidis. At a time when Greece is facing some of the worst austerity measures since Germany after the Treaty of Versailles, well…a sloppy Nazi salute on the soccer pitch should be just the thing to lift people’s flagging spirits, right? WRONG. (And all those ugly-ass tattoos aren’t helping, either.)

10. Reince Fucking Priebus. Oh foolishly named dude, face it…your party is not the party of inclusion. That much became painfully obvious at CPAC, where the racist lunatics took over the asylum. Your problem isn’t communication; it’s the entrenched history of your party itself. You morphed from the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt into that of the Dixiecrats. You clearly don’t want anyone that isn’t white, male, heterosexual and Christian. And until you can get some political and economic sanity in there, and stop being corporate stooges, you won’t get many people whose faces are not so pale. Because one thing about non-whites is that they’re all, contrary to your expectations, very non-stupid.

11. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Ladies! Did you know that Billo the Falafel Man is back on the meat market? I didn’t. I haven’t exactly been following him, because UGH. Also YUCK. But apparently he has been single again for a couple of years now. And only now have we found out just how ugly his divorce was. Can’t imagine why he hasn’t been snapped up again. Can you?

12. Stephen Fucking Harper. Public servant? Got nothing nice to say about Dear Leader? Then don’t say anything at all, lest you be snitched on via Harpocracy’s latest fucking waste of money…a phone hotline to report archivists and librarians who dance out of line with the Harper Government™ and make the “duly elected” Thief in Chief look bad.

13. Roberta Fucking Jacobson. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. How do you like being cut off from diplomatic communications with Venezuela? That’ll teach you and the State Dept. to try to interfere where your “interventions” are NOT wanted. Or needed.

14. Yaron Fucking Raviv. Yeah, that’s right. Call Palestinians “cockroaches”. Go on showing the whole world how totally-not-racist and totally-not-an-apartheid-state Israel is. And how totally-not-a-fucking-dickhead YOU are. You’re a real example to the world, perfesser!

15. T.J. Fucking Lane. Well, at least he’s a self-confessed wanker, as well as a self-confessed mass murderer. And seeing as he’s very young and has been sentenced to life in the clinker, with no possibility of parole, he’s going to be doing a lot of wanking from now on…in fact, he’ll probably be doing very little else, assuming he lasts in the general population for more than a week or two.

16. Ezra Fucking Levant. He may have apologized for insulting the Roma people, but I have a feeling he still wants to say “Gypsy, PTUH” every time they come up in conversation. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean you’re any less of a bigoted wanker underneath it all; in the Putz’s case, it simply means his sanctimonious “free speech” is costing his bosses too much money at a time when they’re already flushing it down the crapper in huge wads. And oh yeah: It makes them look like bigots too, for keeping him on the payroll. PS: Calling himself an “anti-racism activist” and citing Ayn Rand as a “philosopher” to prove it? Yeah, that’s a HUGE wank. Ezzy is a racist of the first water. And so was Ayn Rand. PPS: And now we know why he “apologized”. It was either that, or face criminal charges in Ontario. And now we also know the limits of Ezzy’s “free-speech activism”, ha ha.

17. Vic Fucking Toews. Just when you thought Icky Vic couldn’t get any sleazier, he up and did. This time, it’s his “reality” show about the boogyman that is undocumented immigration. He won’t say how much this crappy publicity stunt is costing the taxpayers, and little wonder: whatever it is, it’s too damn much. And the only way this could get any more farcical is if he showed up on camera in cowboy boots, a Stetson, and a sheriff’s badge, to twirl his walrus mustache at some poor hapless boat people.

18. James Fucking Ives. Sonofagun! A teabagger who’s an actual, dyed-in-the-wool fascist. I’m shocked, SHOCKED…not by the fact that he is one, no, not one bit. I quite expected THAT. I’m just shocked that it’s taken this long for it to become publicly known what teabaggers actually are!

19. Scott Fucking Walker. Well, at least he’s admitted that support for gay rights has trumped conservatism. Just wait till he finds out that the same is true of socialism!

20. Austin Fucking Whaley. You know how freedom of speech is limited by the fact that you can’t yell “FIRE!” in a crowded theatre…unless the place is actually on fire? Well, something like that also holds true in a bingo hall. Dude, what I’m trying to say here is, DO NOT FUCK WITH LITTLE OLD LADIES. THEY WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT RIGHT UP. Just count yourself lucky that you didn’t get caned in the taint, kiddo.

21. Walter Fucking Madison. Yeah, somebody’s brain isn’t fully developed here, and it’s not your convicted rapist client. And really, if he didn’t want to be on the sex offender registry for life, he should have thought of that before he assaulted that girl.

22. Alex Fucking Bilmes. Ladies! Here’s a picture of the editor of British Esquire, who hath decreed that our function, as a gender, is “to be a beautiful object” and purely “ornamental”:

Gee, why don’t I have a huge ladyboner? Either we’re not such beautiful-object-loving visual creatures as the dudebros, or — and I think I’m gonna go with this one — the man’s a mediocrity in more than just mind. PS: Oh, EWWWWWWW. But yeah, you were right about one thing, Alex…“I should not be here. I am not good-looking enough, I am not well-dressed enough, I have no part to play other than as some kind of gawping idiot onlooker…” That’s what I’m talking about. That, right there.

23. Pat Fucking Robertson. What? He’s still alive, and still ripping people off with false promises about how much more money God will give them if they send it all to him? Getting real sick of your shit, Cthulhu… PS: Bwahahaha. Oh, the irony.

24. Donna Fucking Campbell. Oh, you jumped on anti-choice legislation because you’re a doctor and a woman, did you? Go back to med school, lady…abortions don’t come with nearly as many surgical complications as colonoscopies. And if you’re really concerned about the safety of abortion, the thing to do is not throw up more legal restrictions against it, but to make sure that the latest and best medical and surgical treatments are available to all. Did they not teach you that?

25. Rand Fucking Paul. Instead of “thousands of exceptions” to the stupid-ass fetal personhood rule, how about just one rule: FETUSES ARE NOT PERSONS. See how simple that makes everything?

26. John Fucking Hagee. Sodom and Gomorrah is not a “pilot study” for anything. It’s a fictional story about discourtesy to visitors, not a true account of what happens when there’s overt homosexuality. Stop lying and bullshitting in the name of Cthulhu, preacher-turd.

27. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Why so scared? Oh, I see: A reporter, asking questions. Couldn’t handle that? Yeah, it’s just amazing how often the people who claim that God is on their side, directing their entire lives, can’t seem to take direction from the Almighty when it comes time to explain themselves in interview. I guess God DOES make junk, after all!

28. Joe Fucking Oliver. Yeah, that green, ethical tar-sands oil is looking greener and more ethical all the time. And what better way to prove it than by running a cleanup ship aground in the very area from which the shit is to be shipped to China? Funny how things like this never happen in Venezuela, that evil, wicked socialist bastion of nationalized oil! Guess you’ve got some very sticky black egg yolks to clean off your face now, eh Joe?

29. Eric Fucking Bolling. Why?

The only people dumber than Dubya are his unconditionally stupid supporters, especially those at FUX Snooze. There is NO “had to” about the Iraq war; Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. And only a dipshit would remain this deep in denial after all these years. That’s TEN, Eric…if you can count that high on your fingers.

30. Christopher Fucking Robinson. Here’s a handy hint for all you deadbeat dads out there: If you want to spend all your money on stupid shit instead of supporting the living, breathing child you sired, try NOT posing with big fat wads of it on Facebook. Yeah, that’s right…you’re gonna have to learn to resist temptation. (And that includes learning to keep your zippers up, while you’re at it.)

31. Abigail Fucking Fisher. Waaaaaaaaaa, Affirmative Action discriminates against white people! Uh, make that against white people whose grades don’t make the cut, and while you’re at it, that’s not Affirmative Action…that’s just the entry standards of the state university. Which is, shockingly, entitled to discriminate against anyone, black or white, who’s just not bright enough to get in, regardless of how big and whiny a federal case that person tries to make of it.

32. Natalia Fucking Paris. No, chickens don’t get female hormones to make them grow faster (there are special meat breeds that simply do so without any veterinary help; I know because my sister used to raise ‘em organically). And no, female hormones of any kind do NOT make men ingesting them gay. But thanks for the misinformation and homophobia, dear! I smell PETA behind this, and in any case, I also smell Epic Fail.

33. Dennis Fucking Veilleux. Oh noes, Connecticut isn’t friendly to gun manufacturers anymore after Sandy Hook! Funnily, I don’t feel the least bit bad about this. You? Didn’t think so.

34. Steve Fucking Stockman. The best thing about him is that if you poke holes in him, bullshit and Teh Stoopid come out. Actually, you don’t even have to poke; he just gushes them both spontaneously! How friggin’ unreal is that?

35. Richard Fucking Littlejohn. The columnist — CALUMNIST, rather — has the blood of a schoolteacher on his hands; she killed herself after he publicly castigated her on the pages of the Daily Mail for the terrible, terrible sincrime of being transgendered. He acted as though her gender transition were some form of child abuse. It’s not; children are, it turns out, MUCH more capable of understanding trans issues than bigoted old adults will ever be. And the children would have shrugged it all off as no big deal, had Richard Fucking Littlejohn not been determined to MAKE a big deal of it. And now they are traumatized, since their teacher is dead. Well done, Richard Fucking Littlejohn, well done, jolly good. And, I see, the Daily FAIL has taken down the offending column, but he’s still on the (hatchet) job. What a bunch of despicable cowards they all are. If justice prevailed, he’d lose his job and never work in the industry again. And then he’d get a small taste of what it was like for Lucy Meadows to be shunned and reviled in terms ordinarily reserved for child abusers. But since he’s a frothing homophobe and a right-wing shitbat, of course he gets to keep his job. And he gets protected by his equally right-wing, shitbat employers, too. From all the way across the Atlantic. OF COURSE.

36. Keith O’Fucking Brien. Well, well. So it’s one thing out in front of the cameras, another behind the scenes? Not any more. These days, if you’re going to make a big public tra-ra about what a pluperfect religious homophobe you are, you had best beware lest the little pink tutu-clad skeleton in your closet starts putting on its toe shoes and kicking the door down.

37 and 38. Todd Fucking Starnes and Stacey Fucking Campfield. Oh, get a room, you two! It’s really shameful the way you both fixate so publicly and vocally on sex, sex, sex all the time. And you both scream the loudest when confronted with drag queens…and a leather-clad lesbian who’s only there to teach a poetry workshop. That’s not kinky, that’s downright perverted!

39. Gian Paolo Fucking Vanoli. No, vaccines can’t turn you gay. And I should know, because I’ve had so many that by now I ought to be a raging bulldagger, if that theory held true. And here I am, li’l ol’ me, still straight as a stick and girly as ever. And I’m not autistic, either. Dang! Maybe they didn’t “take”? Maybe I should go drink a glass of pee instead?

40. Jeremy Fucking Jensen. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, what you call women is what YOU are.

41. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. L’Oréal. Because he’s worth it. Too bad their makeup is all painfully sheer and won’t cover up the crooked, eh?

42, 43 and 44. Omar, Zayd and Faysal Fucking Khatib. Dudes. Your meme sucks. And now that you’ve faced criminal charges for starting yet another stupid Internet fad, doesn’t it just suck that much harder? I guess what I’m trying to say here is HA, HA. I really do have trouble feeling sorry for a bunch of stupid kids wasting food and drink in the name of fifteen seconds of fame.

45. Julian Fucking Fantino. Can’t bear to let CIDA have a degree of autonomy from the PMO? Then kill CIDA. And let the ideology of profit, profit über alles win out over development aid. That, in a nutshell, is how Harpistan does foreign relations. And that, in a nutshell, is why I despise Julian Fucking Fantino.

46. Saxby Fucking Chambliss. One does not have to be gay to support same-sex marriage; I’m not, and yet I do. But how typically Repugnican of him to be utterly unable to empathize even a little bit with gay constituents. And Reince Fucking Priebus wonders why the GOP has an image problem? It’s not a problem of style, it’s a problem of substance. As in, THEY UTTERLY FUCKING LACK IT.

47. Stephen Fucking Harper. Once again, let’s hear it for the Harper Government™ and its shoddy efforts to usurp the title and role of the GOVERNMENT OF CANADA, BITCHES. Getting real sick of your shit, Harpo.

48. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. At long last, an “apology” (note the quotes) for the murderous IDF raid on the Gaza Freedom Flotilla which killed nine Turks, one of them a teenager with US dual citizenship. Why is this a wank? Three years’ delay, for one. Bibi’s legendary whiny arrogance, for another. And let’s not forget that this only could have come about as a result of Barack Obama’s state visit. Does anyone seriously think he’d have bothered if not for that?

49. Roger Fucking Noriega. Accusing Iran, the Mexican drug cartels, etc., of laundering money in Venezuela? Sounds like projection to me. Or maybe just wishful thinking on his part, seeing as neither he nor any of his crooked Iran-Contra cronies have been able to do that there since, oh, about 1999.

50. Mike Fucking Rogers. Hey, n00b, if you’re gonna last long as a professional corrupto in Washington, you gotta learn to play by the rules! And the first of them is, when some lobbyist slips you a fat envelope, don’t go opening your big beak and crowing about it on teh tweeter. Especially not if it’s in support of cyberspying without warrant or even a probable cause. Do I gotta explain it all to ya, kid? Gawd but you’re fucking stupid.

And finally, to the Fucking Osmond Family. Yes, all of them. And their perfect teeth. You see, they’ve decided to occupy the state capitol rotunda in Utah to caterwaul to the choir on the day the Supreme Court decides the legality of same-sex marriage. IN UTAH. Let that sink in. Ready? Okay. They’re protesting what they see as a change in the definition of marriage from the “traditional” (one man, one woman) to something new and scary. Nobody remind them that their own Mormon church changed the definition of marriage, too, twice…from the “traditional”, to the even MORE “traditional” (one man, one small army of women)…and then, as a condition of statehood for Utah, they had to change it back again. That’s right…the Osmonds belong to a sect (a cult, really) where patriarchs called “prophets” used to have the power to arrange disastrous, often loveless, life-ruining “marriages”, usually between barely-menstruating teenage girls and men old enough to be their fathers, grandfathers or even great-grandfathers…and they think marriage and children need defending from the homo-sex-you-alls? Yes, you did hear a muffled ptmpf…and yes, that WAS an irony meter quietly imploding under the strain of all the batshit fucking crazy.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! So, this is the week the cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church got together, gathered around a campfire, and roasted marshmallows. Since the pope-ification process is a big hoary secret, nobody knows what’s really going on in that conclave until the result is announced. White smoke means they elected one; black, that someone lost a wiener. At least, that’s how I think it goes. We don’t know, and perhaps we never will. But hey! At least we know who lives right next door to the largest gay bathhouse in Europe. Ha, ha. And here are all the other wienies that got raked over the coals this week, in no particular order…

1. Jeb Fucking Bush. So, Jebby thinks he and his crime family still stand a chance of getting back into power, and that they don’t have any baggage? Two unnecessary wars, terrorism, coups, the hatred of pretty much all the world, and that isn’t baggage to him? Well, at least now we know he’s not mentally competent to run for office. Because that’s a mighty bad case of amnesia right there!

2. Conrad Fucking Black. $3 million in unpaid taxes. How much does one have to make to have that much outstanding? Well, one thing’s for sure: He didn’t make it by hard work or merit, because he’s notoriously lacking in both. I say he should work it off in jail, along with all the luckless peons who’ve known nothing BUT hard work all their lives, and who will never see $3 mil, much less pay it in taxes.

3. George Fucking Will. “No one can have it all”, says Georgie-porgie about working women. And yet MEN do, all the time, because they have UNPAID WOMEN doing all the heavy lifting, dusting, cooking and cleaning for them. I would suggest a sex-strike to drive that home to him, but the old boy already looks like he hasn’t had any in decades. Maybe that’s why he’s doing his damnedest to keep women down all the time…no one wants him!

4. Maria Conchita Fucking Alonso. Surprise, surprise…fascist putschist Roberto Alonso‘s equally nasty (and far less relevant) sister is glad Chavecito died. I guess it’s the only consolation she’ll have in her entire miserable wasted life, because when it’s HER turn to go, the most polite thing that anyone is going to say will be “Who the fuck was she?” PS: Oh gawd, she’s even crazier than I thought. She thinks Fidel gave Chavecito cancer! She forgets that to do such a thing, Fidel would have to have a motive of gain. And of course, he has none. If anything, he stands to lose without his dear friend Chavecito at the helm in Venezuela. PPS: And now she prefers him “alive, with cancer and in prison.” Well, sorry, Cochina. You can’t have it both ways. PPPS: Remember this? Never forget!

5. Marco Tulio Gutierrez. Sexism: Always a winning strategy for opening a debate. One that’s not going to happen, and one that he’d only lose, in any event.

6. Justin Fucking Timberlake. Yeah, make fun of a good man’s death. That’s not a skit, that’s a SHIT. You’re not bringing sexy back, you’re just a sleazy, opportunistic douche catering to the collective stupidity, ignorance, disrespect and prejudice of Gringolandia. Glad I never liked you or your crappy music. PS: Ha, ha. Weenie. PPS: Ha, ha, ha. Mediocre!

7. Mario Fucking Vargas Llosa. Speaking of ignorant, opportunistic sleazebags and douches, this one thinks “Chavismo” is going to “disappear, destroyed by the reality of Venezuela.” How depressed he must be that Bolivarianism IS the reality of Venezuela, and it’s not going to die just because its leading proponent is no longer physically there to wave the flag. If anything, it’s going to grow even bigger now that he’s immortal. Which is more than anyone is ever going to say about Mario Fucking Vargas Llosa, who has already outlived his own fame.

8. Stephen Fucking Harper. Dude’s a public figure. So what’s with this bullshit about his office being “private property” and protesters exercising a little freedom of speech being “trespassers”? Stevie Scuzzbucket, if you don’t want to be Prime Minister, why didn’t you just say so sooner? (And just wait till Calgarians find out that Stevie’s actually from Toronto, too!)

9. Jon Lee Fucking Anderson, AGAIN. Yep, still a dipshit when it comes to Venezuela. And now he’s one on Teh Tweeter, too. I won’t be following.

10. Rory Fucking Carroll. Oh pretty boy, you fail so hard. You’ve been served. Go on home. You’re worse than useless as a reporter, and your attempts to backpedal so as not to look a baddie are even sadder than your efforts to spread anti-Chávez crapaganda. Your analysis will never NOT suck. Stop your stuttering. Resign and give your job to someone who knows how to report accurately.

11. Lance Fucking Kinzer. What, is he afraid that abortion clinic nurses are going to slip RU-486 pills into the cupcakes they bring into classrooms, thus terminating whole classrooms full of schoolkids retroactively? Because that’s just fucked up, dude. Schools are happy to have parent volunteers, and they often rely on them. Who cares if some of them work in abortion clinics? Restricting them is not only anti-choice, it is nothing short of anti-child.

12. Ted Fucking Nugent. Who the hell goes hog-killing with a helicopter and a machine gun…and all to spite some clown on TV? Some clown who sat in his own shit for a month to avoid the Vietnam draft because he didn’t have the stones to get up on his hind hoofs and oppose the motherfucking WAR. That’s who!

13. John Fucking Thompson. Oil spills are good for the economy! Gosh, who knew? A lobbyist for the tar sands industry, who else? Never mind the environmental disaster and the deleterious effect THAT could have on the economy AND the ecology; no, post-disaster cleanup and damage control are where it’s at!

14. Joe Fucking Walsh. So, the people of the United States are “stupid and lazy”, eh? Well, no argument from me there; after all, he’s the nation’s leading deadbeat dad, so he’s intimately familiar with both concepts.

15. Linda Fucking Harvey. How is homosexuality like slavery? Um…actually, not at all. That would be compulsory heterosexuality. Ask any gay person who’s tried it before! And how is Linda Fucking Harvey like a wanker? Um…actually, VERY FUCKING MUCH.

16. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Again with the Great Homo-Sex-You-All Question. And the answer? Sanctimonious Chinwhiskers Dude was lying through his little yellow teeth the whole time. His so-called study shows nothing at all to the effect that gays can’t be good parents and therefore shouldn’t be allowed to adopt. Surpriiiiiiise!

17. Laura Fucking Bush. Nice to see that Pickles is still faithfully defending the right of elephants to shit under that big ol’ circus tent. She’s actually pro-choice herself, but she thinks there’s still room in the GOP for objectively pro-rape anti-choicers. Isn’t that sweet of her? Well, Pickles, you can HAVE them. Nobody else wants them. No wonder they feel the need to defend men who go on the attack; they probably are that kind of guy themselves.

18. Hunter Fucking Moore. Ha, ha, fucking HA. A quarter million in damages for defamation and a cellphone pic of what is undoubtedly a very unimpressive penis. Looks good on ya, puswad.

19. Mike Fucking Frey. Wow, who knew my vagina could “repel AIDS”? And here I thought heterosexual women were the fastest growing segment of the population to be infected with HIV. That’ll teach me to be so sciency and facty and publicly educated and all! I guess we’re gonna have to give you what you want…bigotry and unequal marriage rights till the end of time. Bravo, Einfuckingstein!

20. Thor Fucking Halvorssen. Memo to the Fucking CBC: This man isn’t a real Venezuelan, and isn’t a real human rights activist, either. And he’s not a “descendant” of Simón Bolívar, as he fraudulently claims; the Liberator had no children. And above all, he’s not a real source for a story on Venezuela. He is Norwegian, a diplomat’s son, a charlatan and a failed crapaganda filmmaker who doesn’t give a rat’s ass for Venezuela. He couldn’t care less if it rots, and they couldn’t care less for him, either. His grandest achievement, if you could call it that, was to write a petulant open letter to Urban Outfitters, whining at them for using an image of Che Guevara, who was a real human rights activist. Yes, gullible people actually send him donations for this sort of thing! And you really soiled yourselves by giving him airtime as if he mattered. He does NOT. Please let the silly little motherfucker fade back into the obscurity from which he came, and to which he rightfully belongs. Unless, of course, you plan to do a hard-hitting exposé on how many human rights he has actually trampled on in the course of his hobby-cum-career. PS: Remember this? Ha, ha. I sure do. BoRev, honey, come back…we miss you! PPS: And his old man is persona non grata. Reason: DRUGS. PPPS: And it looks like Norway doesn’t like Thor the Younger, either. Probably because of his ill-disguised crypto-fascism. Or maybe because they just know bullshit when they smell it.

21. Peter Fucking MacKay. So, his DND isn’t responsible for the delay when it comes to the new search-and-rescue planes? Well, no matter. I guess it’s not important, unless you need rescuing at sea and Petey happens to have a fishing trip to go on.

22. Louis Fucking Kinderman. Here’s a broad hint for all you l33t hax0rs out there who think you can disguise your online location when sending death threats to the White House via its website: YOU CAN’T. Thank you, and have a nice day.

23. Victoria Fucking Nuland, again. Spiteful butthurt much? And you would have gotten away with your nice, neat plan to take over Venezuela, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

24. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonsky. Yes, another double Fucking this week for Majunche, because he’s just been wanking that hard. First he goes and insults Chavecito and his family, claiming that the death was “planned” for propaganda value. (Sounds like a projection to camouflage what his CIA handlers were actually doing.) Then he turns around whining that he himself was insulted when Chavecito’s daughter called him on his shit! Poor baby. Wouldums like a hankie?

25. Robert Fucking Jeffress. What are we, fucking robots? You might think so, if you listened to this megachurch megacharlatan. Apparently he thinks gay sex is a plug-in-socket thing, and if you insert Tab A in Slot C rather than Slot B, you go kaboom. Someone please inform him that’s not how it works, and that straight people have all the same kinds of sex gay people do. HIV is a virus, and it does not care where you insert what. It is not a product of “intelligent design”, because a loving God would never design something as destructive and devastating as that.

26. Sean Fucking Hannity. The Baby Jesus doesn’t want us seeing crime scene photos from Sandy Hook. Partly because it WOULD lead to the end of the NRA (and about fucking time, too!), and partly because it would “politicize” something which is already political whether you like it or not — but mainly, because it would prove that the massacre actually happened, and isn’t some conspiracy that was cleverly covered up by you-know-who. Solution? GO AFTER MICHAEL MOORE! Because shooting messengers is always the best way to deal with truths you just can’t handle.

27. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Vietnam was “winnable”? The Vietnamese people beg to differ. Actually, they don’t beg; they just kick ass. And they kicked the ass of the biggest and baddest army in the world. How about that? Washington lost without “deciding” anything! Learn some history, dillweed. Maybe then you’ll learn just how little power Washington actually has over the hearts and minds of a planet.

28. Grover Fucking Norquist. Oh look, Mr. Drown-the-Government-in-a-Bathtub has piped up again. Just long enough to call any Republican who favors sensible taxation policies a “rat head in a Coke bottle”. Someone please inform the Coca-Cola Co., I’m sure they’ll be very interested to hear that Grover thinks their product is rat-infested!

29. Marco Fucking Rubio. Sorry, Mr. Drinkwater, but opposing equality for anyone DOES make you a bigot. And opposing women’s reproductive rights DOES make you a motherfucking chavinist. And all of the above makes you a jackass on the wrong side of history and human rights. If you had anything vaguely resembling a brain, I’d tell you to just think how foolish you’re going to look, not just 40 years from now, but RIGHT NOW.

30. John Fucking Eastman. Speaking of bigoted people who look foolish right now, imagine how silly you’re going to look when John Roberts takes offence to your personal attacks and rules against you on same-sex marriage and adoptions.

31. Ted Fucking Cruz. Tailgunner Joe’s Reincarnation got a Fein(stein) smackdown when he tried to lecture a certain veteran California senator on the constitution. Oh, the Schadenfreude!

32. Jack Fucking Schaap. Nowhere in any of the Gospels does Jesus endorse statutory rape, much less condone as “Righteousness” a married man telling underage girls that God wants them to climb into bed with him. But I’ll give him full marks for unmitigated fucking chutzpah, anyhow.

33. Peter Fucking Penashue. Why?

That’s why. PS: Ha, ha. Prepare to lose that by-election, you turd.

34. Ed Fucking Royce. No, Venezuela does NOT need a “Radio Martí”, that travesty bearing the name of a great Cuban patriot for nefarious, imperialistic ends. Venezuela is already inundated with opposition media, all extremely pro-US in tone. And if those crapagandroids can’t do the job for you imperialists, TOO FUCKING BAD. Keep your nose out of that country and all the rest of the world too, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

35. John Fucking Aglialoro. No, dude, there isn’t any “academic-media complex” out there conspiring against you and your Atlas Shrieked movies. The reason they did so poorly was because they simply sucked. And that’s because they were based on a book that sucked, by an author who sucked, who had a “philosophy” that sucked. And because the people have seen the effects in real life of that philosophy, and politicians themselves “going Galt”, and they find that THAT sucks, too. Good luck with #3, BTW. And good luck with that “conversation” aspect, since, if I recall correctly, nothing Ayn Rand said was a conversation. It was all one big sermon, and a detestable one at that. And isn’t the last part of the book the one where John Galt delivers HIS interminable harangue, too? Bwahahahahahah.

36. Maggie Fucking Lange. Yeah, lady, UPI (owned by the Moonies) is a really credible source for news from Venezuela. Or anywhere! Next time, learn Spanish and exercise some basic reading comprehension; you might find that in fact Nicolás Maduro said nothing at all to the effect of what that Moonie “report” claims he did. Frankly, you’d do just as well to use the National Enquirer, the Globe, or News of the World. Hell, why not just throw BatBoy into the mix, too?

37. Wayne LaFucking Pierre. Dude, you don’t need no liberal media to make you look crazy, or to make people despise you and the Fucking NRA. You do a good enough job of that all by your widdle wonesome.

38. Scott Fucking Terry. “Why can’t we just have segregation”, you ask? Because it would cost too fucking much to separate all you stupid fucking racists and sexists out from the sane remainder of the general population and plop you on an uninhabited island to fend for your worthless fucking selves. THAT’s why.

39. Reno Fucking Saccoccia. If anyone ever wonders why I give all team sports the big skeptical side-eye, let this guy be your clue. Turning jackass jocks into such untouchable heroes that anything they do — even rape — gets special protection? That’s not coaching, that’s aiding and abetting. And that, too, is a crime.

40. Steve Fucking Katz. It’s commonplace for professional homophobes to turn out to be raging closet cases. I guess the same could also be said for professional marijuanophobes, because guess what this one is? Yup, a pothead.

41. Tab Denny Fucking Johnson. Here’s a handy-dandy tip for all you disgruntled married folks out there looking for a hitman to dispose of your estranged spouses for you: Try and make sure you haven’t accidentally hired the sheriff to do your dirty work, eh?

42. Donald Fucking Trump. You don’t get to build a ballroom in the White House, and you don’t get to pay yourself in Iraqi oil. You don’t get anything, but I do wish you’d get wrapped up in a straitjacket and taken to a rubber room. You deserve it!

43. Bob Fucking Rae. Oh sure, the Keystone XL pipeline is in our national interest…if by “national interest” you mean lost money, jobs, and oh yeah…POLLUTION.

44. Stephen Fucking Woodworth. A big fucking dick got shouted down by a giant pink vulva. Somehow, that’s just so fucking fitting. And it should happen more often, in my utterly unhumble opinion.

45. Joe Fucking Oliver. Actually, you CAN be for Canada and against the Keystone XL. In fact, that’s the ONLY pro-Canada position to take, since the pipeline does not benefit us one whit, and only serves the interests of the already way-too-fucking-rich Koch Bros. And again, as with #43, POLLUTION. How is that pro-Canada?

46. Federico Fucking Lombardi. No credible accusations against Cardinal Bergoglio, the new pope? Au contraire, mon frère. There are plenty, and they come from the families of the disappeared, who could only watch in dismay as the Argentine church hierarchy stood by and twiddled its thumbs while the country burned. The fact that he was all too cozy with Videla, Massera and others in the junta should be a major clue that there is blood under his fingernails. But I’m not surprised at this ridiculous denial; after all, this is a hyper-conservative Vatican that has swept all manner of other atrocities against humanity under the rug in the name of tradition, piety and free-market capitalism. Why should this pope be any different?

47. Mark Fucking Warawa. A de facto supporter of violence against women, since he is actively trying to restrict their right to abortion. ’nuff said.

48. Wilfrid Fucking Fox Fucking Napier. Why the double Fucking? Because the idea that priestly pedophilia is “not a criminal condition” is just doubly fucked up. Tell it to the survivors of priestly abuse, Father…those that haven’t yet killed themselves out of depression and shame, that is. Being VICTIMIZED by a pedophile is not a criminal condition, but you’d never know it to see how victims are actually treated. Honestly, lepers have it better. Meanwhile, priests who abuse them have been coddled, aided and abetted by their own bishops, who seem to think that geography is all that it takes to cure them. Removing them from one “temptation” is not the answer…turning the abusers over to the authorities is! How much longer are good Catholics going to have to beat their heads against that wall before the fucking church gets the message?

49. Ben Fucking Shapiro. Because when you got no charm, you got no brains, you got a bad hairdo and you got no game, why take cultural studies courses? To pick up chicks…and get shot down, poor widdle fing. And then babble about how pointing out racism is racist against poor oppwessed white people, waaaaaaaaaaa.

50. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the whiny, hysterical, mentally defective Barbie doll is projecting again. Same shit every day. Hey, Coultergeist: Why don’t all you conservabitches just do what you’re always telling liberal and leftist women to do…stop voting, stop having ambitions, go home, and above all, SHUT THE FUCK UP?

And finally, to the Fucking Vatican. Yay, they elected someone, and this time he’s not even from Europe! We’ve gone straight from the Hitlerjugend to the Argentine Junta. Uh…progress? Meet the new pope…same as the old pope…and the old pope…and the old pope. What am I saying…THEY’RE ALL OLD!!! Popes are old. Popes are poops. And so are their ideas (with the honorable exceptions of John XXIII and John Paul I, who were truly decent and progressive chaps, and therefore ROCKED). I’ve often heard it said of Ratzi that he was the most brilliant mind the 13th century had to offer, and I’m not sure that’s much of a joke. When he got through with the Vatican, it was like Vatican II had never happened. And the latest pope is actually the cardinal who came in second during the last conclave, the one that elected Ratzi (the former chief inquisitor). Which tells me loud and clear that they’ve run out of good ideas over there in Rome.

And that’s scary, this whole backwardness and orthodoxy. Not because I’m afraid of Latin (I learned it at university level, I aced it, it’s standing me in good stead as I learn Spanish, Portuguese and Italian, I actually enjoy it), but because I don’t want to go back to the fucking Middle Ages. And neither does most of the world, developed or otherwise. We like separations of church and state. We like having reproductive rights! We like having the Pill, and safe abortion on demand. We like not getting AIDS. We like not having to be treated with prayers, leeches and superstition for the bubonic plague. We like not being burnt at the stake for heresy. And I particularly like not having my evolution contaminated with nebulous, woman-blaming shit like the doctrine of Original Sin.

And best of all, I like not having to listen to an endless line of sexist, homophobic, ostensibly celibate but probably closeted old geezers with fucked-up ideas trying to fuck up the rest of the world with said ideas. Because I’ve examined those ideas, and found them to be too full of crap for practical, everyday usage. Especially the one that insists that old, sexist, homophobic, ostensibly celibate but probably closeted geezers are Infallible. There is no such thing as papal infallibility, and the very fact that it was formally adopted in the 19th century to the canon of Catholic thought should tell you all you need to know about THAT particular, and very earthly, power-grab. And let’s not kid ourselves; that power-grab reaches way beyond just one Christian sect! Even here, in seemingly liberal, secular, humanistic Canada, the Catholic church still holds inordinate sway over the corridors of power in Ottawa, and in all the provincial and territorial capitals, too. Just the fact that they have publicly funded religious separate schools should tell you that something is fishy here. Nobody else does. (We Wiccans certainly don’t!)

The papacy is obsolete; it is a dictatorship founded on obsolete and unenforceable ideas, and it sustains itself by keeping people in a state of mental and spiritual backwardness. And the fact that it is all too fallible is all too obvious nowadays. No one knows it better than my Catholic friends. They, too, are getting tired and frustrated with all the bullshit. Most of them have been living in more or less open revolt against the hierachy for decades, supporting Liberation Theology, birth control, gay rights, you name it. Anything but a return to the medieval sheepfold!

If St. Malachy’s apocryphal prophecy indeed holds true, and this latest pope is Petrus Romanus, the last one before the end of the papacy, then maybe the best way to greet the end of it all is not with fear and trembling, but with growing spiritual autonomy, intellectual curiosity and hope. Because whatever is coming is surely better than more of the same old same old. And the best way to face it is to turn one’s head forward, not back.

Good night, and get fucked!

Crappy weekend, everyone! This week, we get painfully literal with the crappy bit; Ikea’s been having more trouble with food gone wrong. This week, it was cakes contaminated with fecal coliform bacteria. Diarrhea, anyone? Some nausea and vomiting, perhaps? Urgh. Anyhow, Ikea’s poopcakes aren’t the only thing that’s full of shit. Lots of people turned out to be full of it as well, and here they are in no particular order:

1. Lech Fucking Walesa. Does anyone still worship this CIA sellout of an anticommunist walrus and (ha, ha) Romney endorser? Because I stopped even respecting him a long time ago, right about when he insulted the late (and very much lamented) president of Venezuela…a better democrat than he’ll ever be. And if you need evidence that he’s no true democrat, just get a load of what he says about gays. He seems to think gay rights is some kind of homosupremacy movement. That’s almost as ridiculous as the contention that his right-wing party was ever about democracy.

2. Steven Fucking Anderson. Teh Crazee is strong with this one. He’s wrong about everything except maybe the fact that the US is not founded by Christians. (No shit; it was founded by Teh Injunz.) But everything else is loopy, loopy, LOOPY. He’s most wrong that Christians shouldn’t be on medication for mental illness. He, of course, is the clearest case in point.

3. Antonin Fucking Scalia. Oh what the hell, let’s put Fat Tony Vaffanculo in here this week. It’s pretty obvious that he is a racist in deeds, and if he turned out to be one in words as well, it wouldn’t surprise me. There isn’t a progressive thing on Earth that he couldn’t take a steaming dump on.

4. Pamela Fucking Geller. How the hell do you get yourself disinvited to the CPAC conference? By criticizing St. Grover of Norquist for not being bigoted and hateful enough. Now you know!

5. Tom Fucking Flanagan. Still beating his meat…er, flogging that old dead horse about how “child porn voyeurs” are somehow a better class of people than child molesters and/or pornographers? Yup. And also whining that he was “trapped”. By some random native guy asking “a rambling series of questions”. When in fact his own “questions” about why kiddie-porn possession will get you jail time are, well, pretty rambly and apropos of nothing, too. I’ve done my share of time in a university classroom, and the “language” he blathers about is not par for the course, it’s actually highly unusual for there. But then again, I went to one of Canada’s top universities, where babbling about how it’s not so bad to look at shitty pictures of abused children would never fly, and a certain degree of baseline morality exists. This dude taught at the U of Calgary, which is fast acquiring a reputation as an unholy cross between a cowtown diploma mill and a crapaganda factory for right-wing corporatism. I guess sensationalism is their “draw”? And for a supposed academic, he sure is frightfully ignorant about the source of those mere pictures, not to mention what kind of a “different taste” creates the demand for them. I guess his next lecture will be about how supply-side economics is still a valid theory. But I won’t be sitting in to hear it; I’ve heard quite enough of his nonsense, and so have we all. We don’t need to hear his sleazy “explanations” in the National Pest, thankyouveryfuckingmuch. PS: Or Maclean’s, either.

6. Mark Fucking Sanford. I reiterate what I said a few weeks back: Go hike the Appalachian Trail and stay there. Nobody owes your ambitions another moment’s thought. Least of all the (ex-)wife you betrayed with the most ridiculous fucking excuse in the annals of cheatypants.

7. Stephen Fucking Harper. Why?

That’s why. It’s absolutely mindboggling that he could be talking about “reckless and overheated rhetoric” while the country is going up in smoke from the tar sands of Mordor. Or when you consider just how many of the facts about Israel are lined up squarely against him. PS: Oh, dear. It’s just not your week to keep your foot the fuck out of your mouth, is it, Stevie?

8. And Jason Fucking Kenney is a wanker too, for the same reasons, needless to say. PS: No, Jason, Iraq doesn’t want you either. Go the fuck home.

9. Roger Fucking Mahony. Pee-YEW! What’s that smell? Oh…just a big pile of freshly laid sanctimony, going up in smoke. Ha, ha.

10. Jennifer Fucking Roback Fucking Morse. Why the double Fucking? Because it’s doubleplusbad to attack a suicide who can’t defend himself, and to do it in the name of “protecting marriage”. Not to mention the way she did it, which is just absolutely fucking repulsive. Telling vulnerable people (Tyler Clementi’s grieving parents) that their son shouldn’t have had support because it came from the “wrong” sort of people (TEH GHEYZ, OH NOES!!!) is just sick and disgusting. Especially since lack of social support is what led directly to his suicide.

11. Ted Fucking Gassman. Stop concern-trolling, Grandpa. Your granddaughter will probably turn out all right regardless of her parents’ divorce. If divorced parents were all it took to turn girls into sleaze queens, there’d be an awful lot more of them…fully half the female population, at least. That’s not true; most teenage girls, even the lost and hurting ones, are still nice. And if you’re really concerned about stopping “promiscuity”, tackle it from the DEMAND end. That is to say, dirty old men who concern-troll by day, and go lurking for under-age girls by night. Guys who look an awful lot like you, in other words.

12. Stephen Fucking Brumme. I won’t ask what causes a real-estate agent to go rummaging through a female client’s dresser drawers, stealing unnamed articles of apparel. I have a fair idea of what it might be already, and it skeeves me the fuck out.

13. Seth Fucking Groody. Congratufuckinglations, you won the “right” to wear an anti-gay shirt to school. I think it only fair that others be allowed an equal right to throw eggs at it. Or better still, wear anti-fundie shirts of their own.

14. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Full-blown antigovernment paranoia: He haz it. Really not sure why he still has a TV show, but then again, I’m really not sure why FUX Snooze is still a thing, either.

15. George H.W. Fucking Bush. Sniff…awww. Dubya’s dad is “hurting” for his son! Let’s not ask how many Iraqis, Afghans, New Orleanians, etc. are DEAD because of that no-good punk-ass spawn of Satan.

16. John Fucking Kerry. Jesus H. Christ, lay off Dennis Rodman. Yeah, the dude’s way weird, but you know what? He’s done more towards a détente with North Korea than you have. And considering that you fought and survived a war in Southeast Asia, and protested for peace when you came home, one would think you’d be all for that kind of peace ambassadorship. So why aren’t you? PS: Ha, ha.

17. Joe Fucking Oliver. Yeah, sure, the tar sands are green, if by “green” you mean greenhouse gases galore.

18. Pamela Fucking Sampson. No, Venezuela does NOT need Dubai-style skyscrapers; it’s in a quake-prone region. Ever hear of the Andes? And, given that it has a long-standing historical poverty problem (which Chavecito has done MUCH to alleviate), it doesn’t need a local Louvre or other monument to rich people’s money, either. What it needs is what Chavecito has given it: medical care, affordable food, education, literacy, housing, and above all, SOVEREIGNTY. Keep your fucked-up crapitalist priorities off it, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

19. Keith Fucking Ablow. How much longer till Ablow-hard finally loses his medical licence? Once more, I’m left to speculate that he must have gotten his MD from a diploma mill. Or maybe one of those claw-type vending machines in shopping malls, the kind full of plastic eggs with toys in them. How else to explain how a “doctor” could be stupid enough to think that Barack Obama, who is most certainly no friend of Chavecito (witness his chilly behavior when gifted with Noam Chomsky’s book, or his blandly idiotic words about “new relations” this week), is full of “profound sadness” at the loss of his “comrade”?

20. And while we’re on the subject of FUX Snooze wankers, Brian Fucking Kilmeade is one too (same link), for claiming that Venezuela is “a shambles” because of Chavecito. Don’t anyone tell him what the actual statistics are, because it’ll only make his lip quiver and big glutinous booze-scented tears roll down his cheeks.

21. Ileana Fucking Ros-Lehtinen. Crazy bitch, lay the fuck off José Serrano; he knows the truth about Venezuela and Cuba, and he’s a true democrat. As is the late Chavecito. And in any case, you’re a fine one to be talking about “authoritarian” anything, since you’re a well-known fascist lunatic who wants to foment coups in at least two countries, where most of the people know your kind all too well and are glad to be rid of you.

22 and 23. David Fucking Delmonico and Deblin Fucking Costal. That’s right, two imperialist military attachés, one very opportunistic wank. In Venezuela. As Chavecito lay dying, they were kicked out for attempting to foment a coup. Look for more to follow them, and not a moment too soon.

24. Baronelle Fucking Stuzman. So, she’s quite happy to hire gay people, and sell flowers to them…but not for one of their gay, gay, gaiety-gay weddings? Because of her “relationship with Jesus”? Funny, but I don’t recall him saying anywhere to anyone that homophobes are entitled to a “relationship” with him!

25. Fucking Prince. Yeah, the Artist Formerly Known As That Annoying Little Hieroglyph is pretty much a wanker all the time, even if he IS a freakishly talented one. But really: trashing a beautiful old guitar that wasn’t even his, just for a bit of stage flash? He’s established enough by now not to need stunts like this to get attention…and rich enough to pay for the repairs, although I suspect he may be too much of a wanker for that.

26. Dennis Fucking Hof. Wow, a pimp with a heart of gold! That’s a new one on me. Good thing for the gangster that the photo of that “bunny” girl is shot in such a way that it completely obscures the barbed wire and prison walls of the pussy penitentiary behind her.

27. Mitt Fucking Romney. No, Mittens, your problem wasn’t failing to connect with minority voters; it was failing to connect with voters, period. But I guess one really can’t expect better of a filthy-rich robot with magic underwear and a car elevator, can one?

28. Terry Fucking Glavin. The higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his ass. And the more hyperbole a crappy columnist farts in the face of a dead president, the better the target of his fumes looks by the light of all that burning monkey-flatus.

29. Rob Fucking Ford. Happy Women’s Day, ladies! Robbo’s thinking of you. Why else would he make dirty, sexist remarks and grope whoever’s to hand — in this case, a former rival from the last municipal elections? Oh wait, he was stinkingly drunk. Well, that changes everything!

30. James O’Fucking Keefe. Well, well. Looks like our douchey little fake pimp is gonna have to find himself a sugar daddy. He owes $100,000 in damages to an innocent victim of his ACORN “exposé” (note the quotes). Maybe he could pawn his grandma’s tacky rabbit fur coat, although I doubt he’d get much for it. Or maybe, just maybe, he could start by getting a REAL job for the first time in his life.

31. Joe Fucking Biden. Thanks so much, Mr. Vice-President, for basically saying that hope and change are NOT on the US agenda when it comes to the Middle East. Remind me again why you and His Barackness were elected in the first place, and re-elected? Oh yeah…you’re supposed to be so different from those other guys. Well, not anymore, you ain’t. In terms of foreign policy, you’re just as bad if not worse.

32. Barack Fucking Obama. Yes, that’s right, His Barackness is a wanker too. Also for foreign policy reasons. It doesn’t sound like he really wants a new relationship with Venezuela; that would mean giving up coupmongering, and the State Dept. would never stand for that. They want to keep things as is, which is to say, profoundly imperialistic. Which is why Nicolás Maduro (viva el nuevo presidente, carajo!) will be giving him the severe side-eye. As will I, I’m sorry to say.

33. Marco Fucking Rubio. Safe to say he won’t be running on a platform called Compassionate Conservatism. Even oxymorons like that are too high-concept for him. No, his attitude is pure malice, and that means letting anyone die who’s not a privileged dude like him. Let him drink bottled water, and may he choke on it.

34. Jon Fucking Kelly. In case you wonder if the BBC has any journalistic integrity left, this should answer your question firmly in the negative. They’ve been FUX Snoozed, and their coverage of Venezuela is a case in point. Only a complete idiot would put Hugo Chávez in the same category as a bunch of dictators and terrorists. And that’s exactly what this one has done. I don’t suppose it would be worth calling for his resignation; they’ll just replace him with another schlocky hack anyway. Because hey, they don’t have to be accountable to anyone, or informative, anymore. They answer to David Fucking Cameron, bitches!

35. Henrique Fucking Capriles Fucking Radonsky. Oh look, the sore loser of the last Venezuelan election finally decided to show up…not to pay his respects to the late leader, much less to govern his shambolic state of Miranda (oh no, never THAT), but to criticize the perfectly legitimate succession of Nicolás Maduro as president of Venezuela. I guess the opposition logic here is something along the lines of “We lost the election, therefore we came in second, therefore the presidency now belongs to US!” Newsflash, kiddo…the people didn’t vote for YOU. And they won’t next time around, either. If you fail as governor of Miranda, you have no business running for president of Venezuela. Y punto.

36. Rory Fucking Carroll. Same link as above. After all, this dumb farce wouldn’t be “legitimate” news if it didn’t have at least one credulous foreign presstitute kneeling in front of Capriles’ open zipper. Always gotta be polishing those turdnuggets for the Grauniad, eh Rory? PS: Ha, ha. You got served, boy.

37. John Fucking Brennan. Oopsies! The new CIA director got sworn in on a copy of the US constitution that was missing the Bill of Rights. Now, some would say that’s an accident, but I say to them that if you believe that, you don’t know shit about those guys. They are not about constitutional human rights, never were, and never will be.

38. Celeste Fucking Greig. Oh fuck, it’s Legitimate Rape all over again. Actually, pregnancy from rape is NOT rare. If you’re ovulating around the same time as the assault, you can get pregnant. It’s that simple. Trauma has no influence on it whatsoever. You’d have to be fucked in the head to think otherwise. (Or a dumb fucking out of touch Repug. Same difference!)

39. Cliff Fucking Kincaid. Is anyone besides me struck by the incredible irony of a repressed, ostensibly straight white teabagger-type dude with an eliminationist agenda demanding a panel to investigate why gays are “prone to violence, terror and treason”? Yes? Oh good. I hate to feel that I’m somehow alone in smelling bullshit all over the fucking place.

40. Chris Fucking Brown. Right now, about the best thing you could do for womankind is just to fuck off and die, already. I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t talk to us, don’t touch us, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Just fuck straight off to hell where you belong, you talentless piece of misogynous shit.

And finally, to all the brainwashed Chávez-haters of the media, the governments of Canada, the US, and wherever, and to the three sad little trolls who took the first opportunity to poop here, only to be denied. Welcome to the wrong side of history, you fucking buffoons; unlike Fidel, you won’t be absolved. Don’t worry, Nazi-skank “Joan” of 76.118.149.156, hyena “Joe” at 65.34.222.134 (dein Deutsch stinkt, du saublöder Scheißhammel!), and necrophile “Forenzo” at 82.41.214.175. You may not get any love from me, but you’ll get plenty of attention, and if my loyal readers have anything to say, you’re going to find your e-mail boxes full of billets-doux before you know it. So you won’t feel totally alone, even if you are slowly circling the drain of irrelevance. Yeah, bitches, guess who’s got the last laugh now? Me, eating your lunches and washing ‘em down with your sweet, sweet tears. That’s who.

Good night, and get fucked!