Wankers of the Week: Robin Williams Memorial Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! This week’s wankapedia is dedicated to the immortal Robin Williams — not because he was a wanker himself (furthest thing from it!), but because he inspired me to spot the ironies and idiocies of the wankers all around me, and to point the finger and laugh out loud. The man was so great that even Koko the talking gorilla mourns him. I will, and DO, miss him terribly. And this week, the finger points at the following, who richly deserve someone to satirize them the way Robin Williams would have:

1. Shepherd Fucking Smith. Much as it pains me to list the guy who came closest to being FUX Snooze’s one voice of reason, I’m doing it this week…because of the simple fact that suicidality is NOT cowardice. Anyone who hasn’t lived with the pain that drives others to the edge has no business pronouncing on it as if it were a simple choice, much less one of moral weakness. I expect better of news anchors, no matter their channel. Shame on you, Shep!

2. Chris Fucking Fields. Trying to score political points off the death of a great actor whose work touched so many of those “real people” you claim to represent is just about as cheap and low as you can go. But by all means, double down. Keep scraping. You’ll get through the bottom of that barrel yet, and before you know it, you’ll be well on your way to China!

3. George Fucking Brandis. You know, if you’re going to surveil the Internets, shouldn’t you also be a regular user of them, familiar with the terminology and technology at hand? And if you’re not — what the hell are you even doing in government, much less overseeing Australian security operations in the capacity of Attorney General?

4. Dennis Fucking Roszell. Nudity on the beach is “terrorism”, now? Where the hell do they hide the weapons — up their bums? And even assuming that some of them are there to hook up (which is actually against most nude beaches’ rules) — so what? That’s not terrorism, either!

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5. Teresa Fucking Caputo. Real spirit mediums do exist, but they don’t generally go on TV with it (or wear dated, tacky hairdos and Louboutins!). Nor do they make pots of money off the bereaved. As we Wiccans so often say, “silver spoils the gift”.

6. Douglas Fucking Leguin. Yet another “sovereign” shittizen tries to ambush the police. Luckily, they sussed him out and he’s now under arrest. When can we finally start calling these assholes terrorists?

7. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. No, Rusty, Robin Williams did NOT kill himself because he was a “political leftist” who was “never happy”. He died of clinical depression, which is an ailment of the nervous system, not of someone’s politics. And he is a far greater loss to the world than you will ever be, you ignorant fucking Pigman, so SHUT THE FUCK UP. PS: Ha, ha!

8. Randy Fucking Baumgardner. And while we’re on the topic of ignorant fucks, how about this one? He seems to think that the Injuns burned methane-infused water to keep “warm in the wintertime”. Um, no, they didn’t. “Firewater” was just their word for alcohol. And, like fracking chemicals, it was strictly a white man’s poison.

9. Bill Fucking Bennett. Why?

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That’s why. All those political donations from the same mining company responsible for Mount Polley must have gotten stuck in his eyes.

10. Enrique Fucking Peña Fucking Nieto. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid he is for confusing Robin Williams (deceased, brilliant comic actor) with Robbie Williams (still living, British pop singer). And just think, he’s an actual fucking president. ¡México merece mejor!

11. Keith Fucking Ablow. No, Michelle Obama is not fat, and no, she doesn’t need to drop anything…unless maybe it’s a brick on this idiot’s obese head.

12. Gary Fucking Kiehne. Somehow, it’s only fitting that a big prick be photobombed by…what else? A big prick. On a horse. Ha, ha.

13. Jeff Fucking Beltz. WWJD? Somehow, I doubt very much that he’d have hit Mary Magdalene, let alone hard enough to break her glasses.

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14. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. If you ever needed proof that pickup “artists” are fucking idiots when it comes to women, look no further than The Fucking Idiot Also Known as Roosh V. He seems to think that every woman who’s ever lived on her own, worked for a living and attended post-secondary education is some kind of heinous slut. Someone, in short, just like he fancies himself to be…only, in a woman, that’s not good. As if it were any better in a man. And such a skeevy man, at that. PS: RrrrrEEEEOWRrrrrrr! That’s right, Rooshie…get nasty with your fellow misodges of both sexes. Feminists love it when you guys bash each other; it saves us a shitload of work.

15. Gene Fucking Simmons. In case you needed one more reason to despise him, here it is. He wants all you mentally ill suicidal people out there to just kill yourselves. Proper response to someone who says that? YOU FIRST, ASSHOLE.

16. Jonathan Fucking Saenz. Hey, conversion therapy really does work — this anti-gay lobbywank’s wife realized she didn’t have to spend her whole life unhappy because of some dumb dogma, and left him for a woman! Ha, ha.

17. Catherine Fucking Nardi. Why?

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That’s why. Cops are killing unarmed black guys, the victimhood is pretty indisputable, the police ARE out of control, and yet somehow, to an old white lady with long yellow teeth, blacks are the “feral” ones. And you wonder why they’re protesting? You can quit wondering now. PS: No, she’s not the top cop’s wife. She’s just some random asshole from Florida. But hey, she wrote that, so she’s still fair game for a listing here.

18. Michael Fucking Sona. After the big federal election theft of 2011, only one person is going to jail — a lowly staffer linked to some crappy robocalls. For a mere 5 years, probably with time off for good behavior. Anyone besides me getting the feeling that it’s My Lai all over again?

19. Graeme Fucking McEachern. Speaking of blasts from the past: Look, a Red Scare! Boogaboogabooga-ahOOGA!!!

20. Michelle Fucking Duggar. For the thousand-millionth time: Trans women are not men. And treating them the same as you would any other women won’t get your daughters sexually abused. On the other hand, I’m not sure that being a Quiverfull home-schooler with an awful mullet hairdo and a stupid “reality” show isn’t a truly heinous form of child abuse, particularly for the eldest daughters.

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21. Doree Fucking Lewak. No, catcalls aren’t flattering, sexy or fun. They’re skeevy, skanky, scary, and just plain GROSS. Civilized men don’t do it. Civilized CATS, on the other hand…

22. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Women carrying Down’s Syndrome fetuses are morally obligated to abort and “try again”? Pro-choice FAIL, Dick. Nobody is morally obligated to do anything except support a woman’s right to decide if she’s up for the difficulties of raising a special-needs child…and to support her decision, whichever way it goes. Anything else would be immoral.

23. Jonathan Fucking Koppenhaver. So, the (now-captured) fugitive MMA fighter, who beat and kicked the shit out of his ex-girlfriend (whom he himself dumped) for just hanging out with a male friend, thinks that marriage is worse than what the Nazis did to the Jews? And he’s all whiny on his crappy blog because the world isn’t as amenable to his “Alpha Male shit” as he would like? Congratulations, Menz Rightzers. This one’s all yours. PS: And the same goes for his nasty, ugly, stinking ass barnacles on the tweeter, too.

24. Sunil Fucking Dutta. Holding cops accountable is not grounds for shooting anyone. Citizens not only have a perfect right to record police brutality as it happens, they have a moral duty to do so. And to complain about it, and publish it as widely as they can, so that the police department, if it is honorable, can put a stop to the bad cops. And if you object to the citizenry doing that, what does that make you? An apologist for brutality…right up to and including police-committed MURDER. Good cops don’t go there, bud.

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25. Paul Fucking Coakley. If a Black Mass isn’t being celebrated in your church, why should you care what a bunch of silly Satanists are up to, much less lower yourself beneath even their level of silliness? Jesus H. Christ.

26. Rick Fucking Perry. Well, hey howdy! Looks like Crotch Goodhair has got himself in a mess of trouble, now. And he can’t even exercise his gun-nuttery rights, because thanks to his indictment, he no longer has any. Ha, ha!

27. Michael Fucking Pappert. So, it’s the protesters in Ferguson who are the “rabid dogs”? Nuh-unh. They’re not the ones who have all the military hardware, and they’re not the ones frothing at the mouth with xenophobia and racism, either.

28. Tamara Fucking Scott. How the hell do children become “highly trained warriors”, much less an invading army set to take over the US from Mexico? Hell if I know, and hell if she knows, either. But now that she’s dropped this golden turd, who’s gonna try and prove her correct? Bueller?

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29. Dan Fucking Page. This one’s a multiple-level wanker: First for interfering with a journalist’s attempt to report what’s going on in Ferguson, and then for his racist rant — which explains a lot, since both the journalist and the protesters he’s out to suppress are black. Oh yeah, and some “equal opportunity” bullshit, too. If I had all night, I’d keep a running tally of the wanks this one’s racking up. Alas, I don’t, so go read the link if you wanna know more.

30. Mark Fucking Driscoll. Well, well. Looks like Hipster Pastor (the Hipstor? I kill me…) is in Limbaugh Land. And a Limbaugh-load of trouble with his own parishioners and church hierarchy, too. Ha, ha.

31. Ronda Fucking Bass. Do only girls commit dress-code violations in schools anymore? It would appear so. Otherwise, there’d be a lot of saggy-pantsed boys getting suspensions too; after all, the sight of a dude’s underwear above his waistband is distracting as hell. So, who’s the skank here again? YOU are. And so’s anyone else who subscribes to these inane, sexist double standards.

32. Martha Fucking Dreher. Epic babysitting FAIL. That is all.

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33. Daniel Fucking Holtzclaw. Well, here’s a switcheroo in a week replete with racist cops: How about a SEXIST one, who raped at least six women on the job? Yeah, they exist too. How nice!

34. Gary Fucking McCoy. Nobody is “looting” in memory of Mike Brown. And 60-inch plasma TVs are fucking passé. But thanks a lot for your racist toon; it tells the world all it needs to know about what kind of person YOU are. And that person is an asshole with a shitty body of work, who shouldn’t have a publishing platform anymore.

35. David Fucking Horowitz. Isn’t it rich how far Davey has come since his days as a white poser with the Black Panthers? Yes, it is. And he’s still making bank off his own racism, too. Time to pull the plug on the money machine, folks.

36. Mitsutoki Fucking Shigeta. If you thought the Octomom was not mentally fit to become a parent, wait till you meet this dude. He’s been dubbed a “baby factory” because he’s spreading his seed around with reckless abandon. He’s already churned out 16 babies via surrogates, including four sets of twins. And those are just the ones we know about. His ambition is to keep ‘em coming (even freezing his sperm for future use), so that they’ll vote for him in some future election. Somehow, I doubt that’s going to happen. He doesn’t exactly sound like a loving parent, much less a viable political candidate.

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37. Steve Fucking King. So, all the Missouri “rioters” are “of the same continental origin”, but racial profiling isn’t a problem? Um, yeah. Riiiight. And in other news, all the thugs doing the real oppressing and terrorizing down there have the same continental origins, too. But they’re NOT black, so they won’t get more than a slap on the wrist at the very most. See how that works?

38. William Fucking McDaniel. Surprise! Strippers aren’t prostitutes. It’s not their JOB to have sex with you. It doesn’t matter what you paid for the privilege, you don’t get to call the cops on a woman who won’t put out. But thanks for showing just what a prize idiot a boner can make of a man. (And to the club owners: Why DO you have those fucking “VIP” and “champagne” back rooms, anyway? If you’re not running brothels, you shouldn’t act like you are.)

39. Joshua Fucking Delong. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here you all go. This one left his kids in the car while he went drinking, and wound up getting the shit beaten out of him for it…by the other drinkers. You know you’re a real wanker when THAT happens.

40. Jim Fucking Hagedorn. So, female politicians are all “undeserving bimbos in tennis shoes”? Gee, Mr. Conservative, you’re a real fucking charmer yourself.

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And finally, to all the fucking white shitpiles in Ferguson and elsewhere who are rallying around their racist, killer cops. Yes, you are indeed all Darren Fucking Wilson. The question is, why would you want to be the worst man in town — not only a racist, but a liar and a chickenshit coward who won’t even show his face, probably because he didn’t sustain the injuries he claims to have received from the black kid he killed for no good fucking reason at all? You dumbfucks think you live in fear? Try being BLACK in a town with all white cops.

And oh yeah, your “reasons” and justifications for the fucked-up situation you’re in don’t cut any ice with me, either. It’s 2014. The Civil War is over by more than a century and a half. The South LOST. The civil-rights movement WON. It’s been sixty years since Jim Crow. There are no more fucking excuses for any of this. Yet you’re still making them. At long last, have you assholes no goddamn SHAME? PS: Ha, ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: Crappy Nagasaki Day!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Nagasaki Day to one and all. Also — hooray! — it’s Shark Week again. And there’s a veritable Sharknado of stoooopid swirling out there. And here’s who was in the thick of it this week, in no particular order:

1. Janet Fucking Bloomfield. First cracker out of the box is the self-styled Judgy Bitch (an accurate nym if ever there was one), making up ridiculous quotes and then sticking them in the mouth of Jessica Valenti because the latter had the temerity to make fun of the Menz Rightz Bowel Movement (a movement which richly deserves all the fun we can make of it, because its proponents are no fun otherwise). Much harassment ensued. And oh yeah, this shameless panderer to sexist males also has a penchant for calling other women whores. As though flat-out lying makes one a paragon of feminine virtue. PS: Oh yeah, and she’s a pedophile apologist too! Bet you feel real big for beating up on abused children, eh Jan? As long as your own kids aren’t among those statistics, who cares, right?

2. Roman Fucking Shapiro. Genocide? There’s an app for that. Or at least there was, until Google took it out of their Android store. Oh, and if you don’t like it, and don’t think the Israelis are the good guys here? Well, Romey says fuck you, too. Such a nice boy!

3. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Riddle me this: How and when did he go from Nobel Peace Prize winner to genocide advocate and dehumanizer of all Palestinians? I honestly have no answer for this, just as I have no answer for why they ever awarded that prize to Henry Fucking Kissinger…whom Elie is starting to resemble more and more, as far as ideologies go.

4. Kurt Fucking Schlichter. Why?

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That’s why. Apparently, one inhumane butcher is worth more than 1.8 million human beings, because REASONS. Oh wait, no reasons. Just the tacit assumption that there really is such a thing as racial superiority, because some fiction book says God made some snowflakes specialer than others.

5. Paul Fucking Gair. Just because someone’s parents are heterosexual, doesn’t mean they owe it to said parents to not be gay. Things like that are pretty much out of anyone’s voluntary control. And if you object to so many gay people existing, blame their straight parents…for conceiving them.

6. Rand Fucking Paul. Run! Run! The Mexicans are coming! And they’re bringing pots of pozole! The horror! The HORROR!!!

7. Rick Fucking Scarborough. God doesn’t nuke people. PEOPLE nuke people. And really: Over gay people? What kind of self-righteous idiot does that? Oh, right…one who thinks he’s God. Rick, why can’t you just think you’re Napoleon, instead? That way, you could always just go invade Russia.

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8. John Fucking Hagee. And speaking of idiots who think they’re God, there’s this one, who thinks poor people should be “allowed” to starve. I have a better idea: How about we put this guy on a radical diet, like the one Israel is currently enforcing on Palestine? He’s certainly fat and parasitical enough…and won’t this planet feel lighter without him on it?

9. Peter Fucking Steinmetz, again. How the hell does one become a brain scientist and yet still wind up so goddamn fucking stupid as to think that it’s ever okay to carry a loaded gun to an airport — a place which any terrorist would be delighted to shoot up, just to buy coffee, AND point it at someone while shifting it? Doesn’t that all kind of defeat the purpose of showing that “open carry is safe, you fucking libruls”?

10. Bill Fucking Whatcott. How much longer, O Lord, before this one falls out of the closet? And what will he do when none of those gay guys he has made a ludicrous career of bashing want to sleep with his sorry, bigoted, mothball-reeking ass?

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11. Paul Fucking Elam. Oh, you da big man, promising to hit women much smaller than yourself and call that “proportional”. Guess “Bash a Violent Bitch Month” is now all year round, eh? And I bet that “violent bitch” actually just means “uppity woman who dares to contradict me, me, ME!” I hope the local police where you live are taking notes, because what you’re writing sure sounds like threats to me.

12. Charlie Fucking Beck. How the hell does one forget that one bought a horse off one’s own daughter? I don’t know, ask the chief of the LAPD; he’s the forgetful one. With memory lapses like that, it’s a wonder that no one has questioned his ability to head a rather large city police force.

13. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, it’s finally happened. Right-wing nutjobs, even the worst of them, are scrambling to distance themselves from something asinine that she said. And her condition is about to be downgraded from idiotic to brain-dead. Sucks to be you, Coultergeist!

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14. Mike Fucking Duffy. How the hell does a stunningly mediocre TV reporter end up being such a big fish that he gets lowly janitors fired from Ottawa hospitals for complaining that he treated them like shit when he was in for heart surgery? Oh, I don’t know…probably the same way he was made a senator, and then proceeded to get away with $90,000 worth of stinking corruption.

15. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. How the hell does one “invent” a border crisis? Simple. By being so deeply in political and personal disgrace that one becomes desperate to pin any tail at all on a cardboard-cutout donkey. How else?

16. Jerry Fucking Hill. Do dogs read Craigslist? Can they even give consent? I dunno. All I know that Dog is God spelled backwards, and yup, that seems about right.

17. Craig Fucking Beemer. Hate having to pay a minimum wage? Don’t want to cut into your profits so that your wait-staff can eke out a miserable living? Well, there’s nothing like pitting the customers against them for that! Special dishonorable mention to manager-lackey Craig Fucking Orcutt for trying to spin this nose-thumbing as “protecting the employees”, too. Shame on both of you!

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18. Candace Fuckingn Maxymowich. A SupposiTory “youth leader”, promoting abstinence-only sex-ed? Congratulations, Candy…you’re about to become the least popular girl on campus. But hey! Good on you for taking a principled stance and promoting the type of sex-ed that leads to the highest teen pregnancy rates in the developed world!

19. Sibusiso Barnabas Fucking Dlamini. Trade unionists and human rights leaders should be strangled when they get back to Swaziland? Sign the petition at the link, people. And pass it on.

20. Kim Fucking Kardashian. I don’t know what scares me more: that some idiot publisher agreed that her boring-ass selfies were worth putting out in book form, or that there are so many other idiots out there who would be willing to buy such a book. And no, Kim, not all women stand in front of the mirror taking pictures of their own arses. That’s just you, continually proving to the world what a vapid moron you are.

21. Brian Fucking Knyoch. There’s no such thing as “close to drinking water quality”, especially not in mine tailings ponds. That shit is TOXIC. And if you feel so confident that it’s drinkable, fine — YOU drink it. I’ll just stand over here and watch you slowly turn blue. Deal?

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22 and 23. Anna Fucking Zubkova and Rob Fucking Freeman. I don’t know which is worse: him for being an idiot white supremacist who actually thinks that white people are “under attack” for their whiteness (where? WHERE???), or her for being dumb and blinkered enough to stay married to this troll once she found out just what he was.

24. Jason Fucking Kenney. Speaking of trolls: How very like him to insinuate that Justin Trudeau must support terrorism because he’s visited a local mosque (which was only linked to a so-called “terror matrix” AFTER his visit). And how very like him to do it using his own parliamentary e-mail address. Will no one strip this noisome brat of his internet privileges? After all, he did visit a mosque tied to actual antisemitic propaganda…

25. Sean Fucking Hannity. And how very like the Baby Jesus to be better at dishing out juvenile insults than taking them. I could hear his whining, pouting, and itty-bitty foot-stomping right through the tweeter…ha, ha.

26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Also, how very like the Pigman to think that liberals would be interested in joining the anti-choice movement over the mere prospect of having a gay child. Considering that liberals are far more likely to be supportive parents to one than any conservaturd, AND still support abortion rights no matter what, it’s gonna be a long, lonely wait for the anti-choicers, who are notably anti-LGBT as well as sexist.

27. Rob Fucking Ford. Why?

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That’s why. He’s racist as shit, but he’s not afraid to say Bumbaclot. Even if he IS one himself. Caribana was great in spite of his presence, not because of it.

28. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yes, Biff, you did say stupid things at FUX Snooze. But you haven’t stopped saying them. In fact, what you’re saying now is often even stupider. Even when you’re finally getting around to this little thing called Honesty, ur STILL doin it rong.

29. Joan Fucking Rivers. Nice to know that she’s mellowing so well in her old age. Oh, what am I saying? She’s turning into one helluva mean old bat. And no, Joan, the people of Gaza did NOT deserve to die. Most of them are already displaced by Israelis. Your inhumanitarian streak is hereby duly noted.

30. Todd Fucking Rokita. For those who don’t know the score, it’s like this: Central American immigrant kids infected with Ebola fever: 0. Native-born US-Americans infected with Ebola in Africa: 2, both recovering. Africans with Ebola: Over 1000, most of them deceased. Native-born US-Americans infected with Ebola in the US: 0. Probability that Todd Fucking Rokita is a xenophobic moron: 100%. Odds that he’ll die of dumbth: 0, unfortunately.

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And finally, to all the woman-hating Twitter trolls of #tcot. Congratulations, you dumb fuckers all have piss-poor reading comprehension. Nobody was asking you to pay for Jessica Valenti’s tampons; she was looking for info so she could write a story about how other countries do things better for women than the US. And congratulations, also, on being part of that extremely misogynous problem. It’s a wonder your own mothers haven’t disowned you.

Good night, and get fucked!

Wankers of the Week: Kahkaha!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s your silly season been treating you? Mine’s been a hoot so far. I’m laughing like a loon on nitrous oxide. And here’s who’s got me in stitches this week, in no particular order:

1. Bülent Fucking Arinç. Hey, dude? It’s okay if women laugh, as long as they don’t point. Good job making yourself the laughingstock of all Turks, BTW. Especially the ladies. PS: Ha, ha!

2. Peter Fucking Steinmetz. Oh look, it’s another good guy with a gun! No, false alarm…it’s just another open-carry gunsucker scaring the piss out of the public by toting his penis compensator all the way to Phoenix’s international airport just so he can buy coffee with the damn thing on him to prove some utterly worthless point. And pointing it at other people. Good job convincing us you’re really to be trusted with that thing, dude.

3. Chip Fucking Beeker. God didn’t put coal in Alabama; the Carboniferous Period did. But good job trying to convince us that God wants exploitation and pollution there, dude.

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4. Kathy Fucking Weppner. Ever notice how racism and hatred makes a person ugly? This woman is fucking hideous. And she’s also not very good at English. Get away from our border, bitch!

5. Justine Fucking Tunney. Which side is she on: Occupy, or the 1%? The fact that she went from the one to the other, complete with a confused mishmash of various assorted shit, tells me she belongs on the side managed by the men in the white coats. Anyone who suggests, with no hint of a sarcasm tag, that corporatists should rule the land, is clearly not fit to be out on the streets.

6. John Fucking Podhoretz. Shut up and sing! Where the fuck have I heard that before? Ugh. It’s got no beat and you can’t dance to it. Maybe YOU should shut up instead, John.

7. Alexsandro Fucking Palombo. Princess Jasmine as a “Hamas terrorist”? I hope Disney sues your ass for that ugly bit of appropriation, dude. And I hope they kick it all the way to occupied Palestine.

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8. Rick Fucking Santorum. Newsflash: Single moms have always existed. And polygamists are just as anti-gay as Buttsploodge here. And a lot of them are probably just as much in the closet, too. (Not that the queers want him to come out, ever. He can stay in there, rotting among the mothballs.)

9. Justin Fucking Bieber. Even though he swung at the little shit and missed (gawd, how drunk does one have to be?), I’m squarely on Team Legolas here. Frankly, Thuggy Doo is just cruisin’ for a bruisin’. And I hope he gets it. If not from Orlando Bloom, then someone.

10. Brian Fucking Judy. For the umpteen thousandth time: Hitler was NOT a gun-controller. He put guns in the hands of German kids, fergawdsakes. And what’s with your fucking antisemitism? Idiot.

11. John Fucking Beattie. An old man stuck in the past? Yes. Harmless? Fuck, no. Not if he’s running for office and he’s never really left the Nazi party…and certainly not if he’s gonna wax all rhapsodic about living in an “all-white town”.

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12. David-Seth Fucking Kirshner. So, if you’re a Palestinian, and you vote for hamas, Israel has “a right to kill you”? That’s rich…especially considering that Israel created Hamas to divide and conquer Palestine in the first place.

13. Richard Fucking Dawkins. Shorter: Apples are bad, but oranges are worse! If you think that means that Donkey Dawkins endorses apples, go away and don’t come back until you learn how to logic! Meanwhile, I’m wondering what orifice he pulled that “endorsement” shit from. Probably the same place where he got “mild pedophilia” from.

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, getting KO’d is “worth a hit to the jaw” if your fiancé is famous? Well, now he’s famous for all the WRONG reasons. Just like the Pigman.

15. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. No, the youngs don’t need “beta marriages”. They’ve already got cohabitation. If it doesn’t work out, they don’t get married for realzies. Say, wasn’t this already done a generation ago? Two, even? Man, are YOU behind the times. Also, please spare us the gross details of your five marriages (four failed, one about to), and above all, spare us the “insight” that a woman’s only marital worth is her “youth”. If we have an expiry date, so do you men. And you’re long past it — I’ve seen your shirtless selfie. Ugh. Even at my advancing age, that’s a gross-out.

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16. Dennis Fucking Bonnen. In Texas, they speak English, Spanish…and Fucking Bigot. Guess which one is HIS mother tongue.

17. Bob Fucking Dowlut. How interesting that the NRA’s chief ideologue, and one of the key architects of its hard-right turn, turns out to be a murderer. Gee, what are the fucking odds?

18. Mark Fucking Lewis. Yo no quiero Taco Bell. That is all.

19. Tom Fucking Foley. Mandatory sick leave is an “anti-business” policy? And forcing workers to work while sick isn’t? What a strange little man you are, guvnor.

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20. Yochanan Fucking Gordon. “When Genocide is Permissible”? NEVER. Not even when YOU do it. It’s fascism no matter who does it, you fucking putz.

21. Steven Fucking Blaney. No, gun ownership is NOT a right in Canada. It’s a privilege, same as car ownership. And it is just as subject to revocation if you use it to commit a crime. Or in your case, a criminal piece of Second Amendment stupidity.

22. Michael VanWagener. Yeah, go ahead and LOL about driving drunk, crashing your car and killing a 16-year-old. Go on. I dare you.

23. John Fucking Balyo. Surprise! Every time you turn over the anti-gay rock, a pedophile who molests boys pops out. What are the odds?

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24. Ken Fucking Ham. Shoot, why spend money wisely on a search for the truth in space when you can blow it on “creation museums” propagating a myth right here on the geocentric middle of the Universe?

25. Kyle Fucking Trasker. Why do white people not have their own congressional caucus? Because they’re the ruling class already, stupid. And apparently, stupid white people just can’t seem to stop sticking their fingers into everything, including what’s none of their damn business. (And no, liking rap music doesn’t make you an honorary black person.)

26. Sandra Fucking McLaughlin. And speaking of stupid white people, this one’s a judge. What diploma mill graduated this racist dipshit, anyway?

27. James Fucking Inhofe. You can deny man-made climate change all you like, but you’re not exempt from its effects. Even if your mind does live on another fucking planet altogether.

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28. Liz Fucking Cheney. Shorter: It’s patriotic to lie about torture and keep it a secret! Torture is patriotic, but a country knowing about it and using its free speech rights to protest and stop it is not! Honesty is a disgrace! Benghazi!!!

29. Grover Fucking Norquist. He’s planning on attending Burning Man? Why? It’s not like he’s not already looped out of his skull on the weirdest drugs around. Oh well, here’s hoping that someone “accidentally” shuts him inside the giant effigy to be torched at festival’s end, Wicker Man style.

30. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Nice of her to be so concerned about unaccompanied refugee children. Oh wait…what am I saying? She’s only “concerned” about them insofar as she can use them to score political points in a game only she is playing, laying accusations of things that are only happening in her own largely empty head.

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And finally, to the Fucking IDF. You racist bastards couldn’t hold what was supposed to be a three-day ceasefire for more than two hours? AND you chose to bomb the al-Shifa Hospital, of all places? That’s fucking pathetic. And it just goes to show you had no intention of holding your fire at all. Yeah, tell us that your invasion of Gaza isn’t a massive fucking land grab. We’ll believe you…in a pig’s ass.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week. Comments Off »

Wankers of the Week: Attack of the Lost (Sex) Toy People

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Looks like the silly season is well under way. Did you know it was possible to lose a sex toy inside of yourself for ten whole years? I did not know that. But this week I learned a lot of things. Including just how fucking stupid some people can be. And here’s who was it this week, in no particular order:

1. Joseph Fucking Carl. First cracker out of the box, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s Florida Man! This time, he got drunk and ran himself over with his own truck in a fit of road rage. It just doesn’t get more Wang State than that, does it?

2. Arya Fucking Toufanian. Didn’t like Girls Gone Wild? Well, then, you’re probably gonna hate I’m Shmacked, which is the same shit but with drunk-off-their-ass college kids of all sexes making asses of themselves. Why anyone would WANT to buy videos of that when they could just stop by any college-town bar, I don’t know. And apparently, the idiot in charge of the franchise is very touchy about a little thing like that, so much so that he’s willing to threaten to ass-rape anyone whose articles he hasn’t read if he thinks they’re even the least bit critical of his fucking idiot venture.

3. Mordechai Fucking Kedar. Claiming that the rape of Arab women “deters suicide bombers” is not only false, it’s virtually guaranteed to spark more of the same. Oh yeah, and by the way, it’s also RAPE CULTURE WRIT FUCKING LARGE, MOTHERFUCKER.

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4. John Fucking Schindler. Unhinged? Him? Why, whatever makes you suggest such a — BENGHAZI! BENGHAZI!! BENFUCKINGHAZI!!! Also, PENIS.

5. Nick Fucking Bilton. The demise of the pen has not only been premature and greatly exaggerated (but only by you) — it hasn’t even fucking happened. There are touch-screen styluses with ballpoint pens built right in. I own one. The stylus gave up the ghost long ago, but the pen still works! Bro, do you even SHOP?

6. John Fucking Baird. Pull in your tongue, Squealer, you’re embarrassing us. AGAIN. And wipe that santorum off your chin, too.

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7. Chad Fucking PIckering. Another ground-stander stands his ground. Only — ha, ha — it’s not his, but that of the teenage girl he shot because she had the nerve to ask him to stop bombing around on his lawnmower in her parents’ yard. Oops! Oh, and get this: The trigger-happy fucking asshole worked for a young offenders’ facility, too!

8. Terry Fucking Davis. “Not sexually dangerous”, even though he assaulted a 16-year-old AND so traumatized a dog he molested that the animal “became aggressive” and had to be put down. Yeah…not dangerous at all, that one.

9. Tom Fucking Greer. Oh yay, another fucking ground-stander. How could anyone be proud of killing a pregnant woman, let alone by shooting her in the back — twice — like a true fucking coward? And oh yeah, the man who was with her got away, because this asshole was too busy “sending him a message”. Yeah, by committing cold-blooded murder and picking on the one who couldn’t run faster. Great message, not clouded in the least!

10. Ted Fucking Nugent. So, indigenous people are “vermin”? Well, it’s nice to finally know where you stand on the issue, Ted. Now go fuck yourself.

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11. Mark Fucking Landis. And because it wouldn’t be a true wankapedia without at least one true wanker, here ya go. This bathroom bandit had the unique idea of inviting students to his house, and then capturing their use of his toilet on video via a camera hidden in the Kleenex box. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!

12. Pat Fucking Robertson. Nice to know that Patwa, for one, hasn’t changed since the fucking Dark Ages. And that he has so much in common with honor-killers from other parts of the world, too! But hey, at least he’s all for shotgun marriage, so I guess that’s progress…sorta.

13. Robert Fucking Durst. The rich really are different from the rest of us. In addition to getting away with wife abuse, murder (and dismemberment, which he even confessed to), this “eccentric” heir now amuses himself by pissing on candy in drugstores. Hey, who says money can’t buy you everything?

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14. James David Fucking Manning. So, to recap: “Homo demons” and “sexually charged women” bad, guns all over the fucking place good. And this in Dealey Plaza, the scene of what might just be the most famous gun homicide in the world. Truly, the ways of deranged preachers are mysterious to God and man alike.

15. Rob Fucking Ford. Surprise! Ford Fest was a shitshow. This is quite understandable, since Robbo has the reverse Midas touch going on.

16. Mark Fucking Giannini. And further to the “rich people aren’t like the rest of us” thing, how about this one…who roofied a woman applying for a job as a maid, and then raped her nine ways till Friday? And has a whole stash of equipment suggesting that this isn’t his first rodeo?

17. Jody Fucking Hice. How fucking backward is the state of Georgia? Backward enough to vote for idiots who didn’t get the memo that women no longer need their husbands’ permission to do ANYTHING, apparently.

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18. John C. Fucking Wright. Men are “Christ-like” and “alpha males”? Women must obey them because of that? Um, see the wanker right below for evidence of just how fucking wrong that all is. Or, to put it in simpler terms, which even this dreck-writing moron should understand: Whom would Jesus KO?

19. Stephen Fucking Smith. Women “provoke” violence against themselves? Um, I thought that the myth of female masochism was dead. Nope! It lives on in shitty sports commentators making shitty comments about footballers who apparently just can’t contain their urge to hit a defenceless woman and knock her unconscious. And only get a two-game suspension for it, whereas pot-smoking would get them 16. PS: Sign, sign, sign!

20. Calvin Fucking Greene. What are you, the Sperm Nazi? Only in Alberta could a sperm-bank director be this presumptuously nosy-parkerish (and weirdly specific) about the lives of his white clients, and their motives for seeking out non-white sperm donors.

21. Anthony Fucking Novellino. I’m sorry, but any man who’d stab his soon-to-be ex-wife 84 times over the fact that she was allegedly “messy” is the one who should be wearing the fucking pig mask himself. Murder is murder, but doing that kind of indignity to a dead body is one helluva wank.

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22. Roger Ray Fucking Ireland. When you’re a crook on the run, never say “never”…because “never”, in the context of “you’ll never catch me”, turns out to be less than 24 hours long.

23. Thomas Fucking McGuinness. Florida Man strikes again…and this time, it’s to claim he “only shot that cat twice”. Maybe someone should only shoot HIM twice. With any luck, it’ll be the meanest old cat lady in the neighborhood.

24. Pamela Fucking Michener. No, black kids don’t stink. But your fucking racism does! And if you’re going to go on a rant about “discipline”, how about exercising some over your own mouth?

25. Philip Fucking Cattan. How the hell does one fall asleep during a child-sex-abuse trial? How the fucking hell does one sleep through testimony like that? Go home, judge, you’re drunk.

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And finally, to fucking PETA. They’ve offered to turn the water in Detroit on again if all the poor folks go vegan. Yes! Great idea! They’re probably all anemic and malnourished as hell to begin with, so let’s get them to commit to a lifestyle that could end up making them even less healthy! What could possibly go wrong? Oh, I dunno. But then again, I’m not the sort of person who thinks of every tragedy and disaster in the world as fodder for an opportunistic fucking publicity stunt. And I’m not the sort of person who sees the less-fortunate as fair game for advancing an ideology, either.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: The Invasion of Gaza

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, Israel’s finally gone and done it…making their big bid for what’s left of Palestine right now, with the invasion of Gaza. Things are falling down and going boom all over the place; shit’s fucked up and bullshit. But hey! Enough of that depressing shit. How about some more depressing shit? And here are the depressing shits who shat it out for us this week, in no particular order:

1. David Fucking VanDerBeek. You know you’re a stochastic terrorist when you keep calling for “more blood” amid a wave of violence and shootings that accomplishes…absolutely nothing except to scare the shit out of people who have no intention of voting your way. If you think that’s a revolution, I feel sorry for you. You’ve got nothing to fight for, nothing to die for…and nothing to live for, either.

2. Garry Fucking Neilson. Incest and pedophilia will become more acceptable, just like being gay? Nope, nope, nope, nope, NOPE. There are sound reasons why two of those things are not like the other. And WTF is a “consensual” adult incest relationship? What was sexual abuse when the victim was a child does not just magically become consensual once she crosses the 18-year mark, you idiot.

3. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, Patwa, witch ancestors do not cause stomach trouble. You are not a doctor, and you are not qualified to diagnose. But I’m quite willing to go along with the general theory that your ancestors were inbred imbeciles.

4. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?

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Actually, Jason dear, Israel is using its weapons against Gaza’s citizens. But hey! Why should you care about a little thing called facts when you could be blowing Bibi just a weeny bit harder?

5. Slavoj Fucking Zizek. I never did take him seriously as an intellectual, much less as a leftist, and boy, am I GLAD. I do feel sorry for all the schlong-suckers out there who’ve latched onto this lazy-ass plagiarist, though. PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha!

6. Dinesh Fucking D’Souza. Meanwhile, on the other end of the bogus-intellectual spectrum, D’Looza insists that history never happened. Which is kind of ironic when you consider how quickly he was swept into its dustbin.

7. Duane Fucking Youngblood. Oh look! Another professional homophobe’s closet door got kicked down by all the pink-clad skeletons within. Maybe this one should no longer be allowed access to kids, since he’s obviously a bad role model in every sense of the word…eh?

8. Oscar Fucking Pistorius. Anger management? What’s that? You don’t need it, any more than you need good advice from your lawyer. After all, you have a huge macho ego to feed and stoke!

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9. Todd Fucking Akin. No, dumbfuck, you and Tailgunner Joe are not the victims of a media witch-hunt. You are both victims of nothing but your own fucking stupidity. And it serves both of you bloody well right that you enjoy zero credibility to this day.

10. William Fucking Happer. Carbon is the new Jew, and climate-change denialists are the new Galileo. Did you know that? I did not know that. Huh.

11. Renee Fucking Ellmers. No, dear, women are not too dumb to understand high-level policy discussions. The problem with the Repugnican Party is that it quite simply doesn’t believe in any policy that treats women as full-fledged people, rather than property of a man and/or a temporary lodging for a fetus. Until the party stops that, your position in the party is that of window dressing for the War on Women, and nothing more. And female voters, not being stupid, will not be fooled…nor particularly pleased that you think your own sex deserves to be talked down to.

12. Terry Fucking Branstad. Church/state separation? Wut dat? Oh, just another pesky impediment to the Theocracy of Iowa.

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13. Marc Fucking Stanley. Meanwhile, in the Wang State, we have a “sovereign” shittizen who thinks that laws don’t apply to him, and he should be allowed to steal and resell copper wire from lightposts that don’t belong to him. Sorry, pal, but bafflegab and gibberish don’t trump legalese. And you’re not sovereign. All laws still apply just as much to you as they do to the next common crook.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. It’s been a fairly cool summer in these parts, but that won’t stop Robbo’s pants from giving off vast clouds of toxic smoke. And hey! He mentioned the ol’ “gravy train” again. Everybody take a drink now!

15 and 16. Wayne Fucking Ronayne and Paula Fucking Carter. Alcohol: Not even once.

17. Kevin Fucking Martin. Yet another wanker who gives trilbies a bad name. What is it with asinine dudes and “fedoras”, anyway?

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18. Yair Fucking Lapid. Oh noes, Israel is being boycotted! This is, of course, only to be expected when you claim “It’s Not Genocide When WE Do It!”

19. Abigail Fucking Fisher. Sorry, no Affirmative Action program for stupid white kids. You’re gonna have to buckle down and work if you want to get into the school of your choice, same as everyone else.

20. Mark Fucking Regev. Don’t play drinking games with this one, you guys…if you took a whole drink every time he says “Let me be clear”, you’d be dead of alcohol poisoning by now. And of course, everything he says is clear as mud, too.

21. Mark Fucking Levin. Yes, Jon Stewart’s name is a slight variation on the name that’s on his birth certificate. So fucking what? Everything else he says is true. If all you’ve got to pick on is is name, you might just be a wanker.

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22. George Fucking Gibbs. Gee, I guess that 70,000-pound judgment you won from a British paper that told the truth about you will have to be repaid now. Assuming you haven’t blown it all on grooming underage boys for your own sexual amusement, that is. Enjoy jail, absolutely free!

23. Sandy Fucking Rios. Anyone besides me struck by the irony of a woman with a Spanish surname trying to make lepers out of Latin American kids her own country put into dire straits by supporting drug wars and death squads in their countries? Oh good, not just me then.

24. Pedro Fucking Custodio. So, he ripped a mike out of a reporter’s hand because she dared to ask him why he raped women at a shelter he ran? Well, duh. It’s all so obvious. They were vulnerable and in a time of need. Therefore, they MUST have been asking for it!

25. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. So, that latest Malaysian jetliner crash was timed just right to save Obama’s black ass yet again? Wow. That tinfoil’s gettin’ tight there, isn’t it, Rush?

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26. Thomas Fucking Thorpe. Oh, how quaint. You said knee-grow instead of nigger. Guess that makes you totally not a racist for not wanting a black public defender standing next to you, huh?

27. Sheila Fucking Kihne. What business is it of yours if single mothers have wedding receptions? One doesn’t “earn” them by being a virgin — one pays for them, preferably having set aside enough money ahead of time to do so. Why the hell do you care what other women do with their own money? What are you, the wedding police?

28. Steve Fucking Green. For fuck’s sake, if the bible means that much to you, go read it in your own little room, like Jesus said. And don’t go building monuments to it in the nation’s capital like a fucking hypocrite.

29. Magdo Fucking Haro. No. you can’t pray the gay out of your daughter. And you can’t beat and rape it out of her, either.

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30. Michael Fucking Peroutka. How’s that “Constitution Party” thing coming along? Not very well? Well, don’t worry. The Repugs are just as discredited by now, and with additional loopiness, they’re sure to lose for a long, long time!

31. Mitch Fucking McConnell. Yes, by all means, keep that ol’ turtle head in the sand when it comes to women and students. After all, you’ve done your duty by “financing three daughters at out-of-state schools”, huh huh huh.

32. Gianluca Fucking Buonanno. If you’re going to ban gay kissing, why not just ban ALL public kissing in your town? That way, you may be a prudish idiot, but you’ll at least be a consistent prudish idiot.

33. Vinod Fucking Khosla. Yup, PUBLIC protest to maintain PUBLIC access to a PUBLIC beach is “blackmail”. But then again, corporatists obviously have no concept of PUBLIC, so there’s that.

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34. Jason Fucking Calacanis. And speaking of corporatists without a clue, there’s this one. Who thinks “not trying hard enough” is the only reason why people fall through the cracks. Could we possibly jump through any more hoops on the edge of the Grand Fucking Canyon? Jesus H. Christ. Oh, and to crown it all: He’s a chronic failure in business himself. But hey! As long as there’s still money to fling around at random, don’t anyone call HIM unsuccessful!

35. Sara Fucking Hellwege. It can’t be said often enough: If your “conscience” gets in the way of you doing the job, get the fuck out and let someone else in who will do it. Oh yeah, and don’t sue for being let go if you refused to do the job, either.

36. Megyn Fucking Kelly. So who said the days of late-term abortions are over, much less that no one wants to return to them? Um, SHE did. Why? Because she’s a fucking idiot with her head in a shitload of sand, that’s why! But hey…it’s nice to know she’s objectively pro-murder, eh?

37. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Why?

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38. Robert Fucking Lyzenga. Yay! Another Pastor Pervert. This one took pictures of female parishioners as young as five years old, with a hidden camera in the church’s washrooms. Jesus is nauseated.

39. Bill Fucking Maher. New Rule: Thou shalt not toss out sexism in defence of Zionism. Come to think of it, why dost thou defend Zionism, considering it’s currently waging a major crime against humanity?

40. Woody Fucking Allen. Oh joy! The Yucko of the Year blames Arabs for the blatant Israeli land-grab going on in Gaza right now. Because they weren’t nice enough to the settler-colonials, natch. If only he could fade into total irrelevance now, that would be great.

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And finally, to those ghouls spawning all over the hillsides of Sderot. Yeah, congrats, assholes, you got the local CNN reporter sent to Russia instead. Too bad the world still knows what you’re doing there. We’ve already seen, and we are fucking disgusted to think we share DNA with the likes of you. Cheering for a land-grab war, AND trying to silence the media? That’s just VILE.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: War Cup edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How’s everyone doing in advance of tomorrow’s big game? Me, I’m not feeling it much. Too busy thinking of the current assault on Gaza, sorry. And these people, too, aren’t helping:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. No, he’s not homophobic. He has a disease! A disease that turned him into the lone person on Toronto city council to sit down during a standing ovation for World Pride, and conspicuously shitty-acting every time LGBTs are the subject of conversation. Pity him for his disease! PS: Oh surpriiiise! It looks like Robbo is not as “recovering” as he makes himself out to be. I guess being disruptive in rehab is also a disease, now?

2. Doug Fucking Ford. And of course, whenever Tweedledum manifests yet another obnoxious and antisocial aspect of his disease, there’s Tweedledee, with the broom and dustpan, covering his ass yet again. A pity that they don’t make brooms or dustpans big enough to do the job!

3. Bob Fucking Marier. Meanwhile, Robbo’s “sobriety coach” (didn’t know there was such a thing!) sounds just like Robbo himself…in short, a perfect candidate for anger management.

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4. Sarah Fucking Palin. Quitbull, please leave the plucky-battered-woman act to actual plucky battered women. You are none of that.

5. Jesse Fucking Watters. OMG, there are GAY people in the Pride parade! Merciful Jesus, whatever next — women in the feminist movement? No, wait, that was last week!

6. Robin Fucking Thicke. Time to pack it in, O talentless hack. Not only is your soon-to-be-ex-wife not buying, neither are music fans!

7. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Gotta love those “pro-life” so-called Christians. They can’t seem to see the cognitive dissonance between their pro-natalist views…and their views that gays would be better off killed because they “mislead” children. Um, no…actually, the misleaders of children are the ones who preach hatred and intolerance, and the idea that gays should be killed!

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8. Theresa Fucking Santai-Gaffney. No, you do not get to say who gets married and who does not. Your job is to file the paperwork, and if you can’t do that job, then step aside for someone else who can.

9. Bob Fucking Frey. Christ, learn some science! No, sperm enzymes do NOT cause AIDS. If they did, all guys, including yourself, would have the disease already, or else a great gaping maggot-eaten hole where their testicles currently are. For the umpteenthousandth time, a VIRUS causes AIDS. And in your case, I’d say this endless obsession with gay sex has eaten a gaping, maggoty hole in your brain.

10. Nicholas Fucking Lord. So, threatening a fellow US Navy sailor with rape (allegedly while drunk) is “super awesome”? Yeah, I’m sure the brig is looking real nice this time of year. And since when is the Delayed Entry Program a “feminist page”? Since, oh, about NEVER. It’s a RECRUITMENT page, dumbfuck. And trolling is not exactly conduct becoming…

11. Larry Fucking Page. So, when machines replace us all, it’ll be just like vacation, eh? Yeah…complete with eviction and starvation! Let’s start with you and see how you like it, eh?

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12. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh noes, rainbow wrappers on Burger King’s Whoppers! Quick, Robin, to the Chick-fil-Hatemobile!

13. Matthew Fucking Leber. If your eyesight is so poor that you can’t tell an Adidas soccer shirt apart from a prayer rug, it’s time to pack up your border patrol goon squad and slink home with tails between legs. Could you do it now, please?

14. Chris Fucking Davis. And speaking of border patrol goon squads slinking home with tails between legs, here is a prime case in point. Operation Clusterfuck…mission accomplished!

15. Kendall Fucking Jones. Christ, what is it with blond twits thinking that it’s “conservation” to kill beautiful African animals for sport this week?

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16. Axelle Fucking DeSpiegelaere. Christ, what is it with blond twits thinking that it’s “conservation” to kill beautiful African animals for sport this week?

17. Mike Fucking Dickinson. Christ, what is it with sexist idiots thinking it’s okay to cyberstalk and threaten #15, even if she IS a fucking twit? Jeez, dude, be better than that!

18. Tony Fucking Abbott. So, Australia was “unsettled” before Whitey showed up, eh? Well, there’s just one thing to say to that:

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YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG, MATE!

19, 20, 21 and 22. Chuck Fucking Schumer, Bob Fucking Menendez, Kelly Fucking Ayotte, and Lindsey Fucking Graham. Hooray, let’s all support Israel as it embarks on its latest flimsy pretext for stealing Palestinian land and murdering Palestinian people! How fucking holy and righteous is that?

23. Moshe Fucking Feiglin. And speaking of murdering Palestinians, how about the deputy speaker of the Knesset and his oh-so-heroic desire to see Gaza Palestinian kidney patients die for lack of dialysis? Yeah, Numbers 19 through 22, this is what you’re supporting. Feel heroic yet?

24. Ayelet Fucking Shaked. And further to the above: A pretty face don’t make no pretty heart, as Robert Palmer once famously sang. This bitch is utterly ugly from the inside, and sooner or later, that’s gonna leave tracks on her face. Just give it time.

25. John Fucking Huggins. Pro tip: You say you want a revolution? Well, you know, you gotta have a popular movement behind you. Otherwise, you ain’t nothin’ but a wild-eyed cop-killing terrorist jackwagon. And, sadly, the “Don’t Tread On Me” contingent are NOT a popular movement.

And finally, to these fucking ghouls right here:

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Watching the bombing of Gaza from Sderot, and applauding every time a bomb goes boom. You people represent everything that’s wrong with Israel. And of course, you’re fucking PROUD of it. Because when you’ve got nothing else, there’s always bloodlust, right?

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Get your Hobby out of my Lobby, GODDAMMIT!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Hobby Lobby decision at the SCOTUS? Talk about a totally hypocritical, sexist fuckery. I would, but I don’t have all night, because all these other people need talking about, too:

1. Adam Fucking Richman. So, to recap: “Thinspo” bad, browbeating your critics worse, and getting your crappy show yanked for being such a colossal bag of dicks…PRICELESS. Ha, ha.

2. Justin Fucking Mateen. Ever wonder if casual hookups are really worth it…or why I’m convinced that they’re not, especially if you’re female? Here you go, one definitely lousy lay — projecting like mad. Please enjoy a decontamination shower afterwards, courtesy of the house.

3. Charles Fucking Saatchi. When your money-grubbing chutzpah trumps everything, including taste, good sense and your lawyer’s advice to keep a low profile until the dust settles on your insta-divorce, I’d say you’ve more than earned your listing here.

4. Richard Fucking Benyon. Why?

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That’s why. He doesn’t need to fuck working poor people over, but he CAN, so he does. That is the very definition of class warfare…and a fucking wanker.

5. Noah Fucking Berlatsky. Orange is the New Black is a show about a women’s prison. You know, a place where female prisoners are housed? Well, this intrepid soul is wondering why so few men on that show. Maybe because men have no place in a female penitentiary? Maybe because all the other shows out there are dominated by them? Maybe because there’s already BEEN a male prison show (or several)? It’s hardly as if dudes are underrepresented on TV, seeing as they practically own the whole industry. Do they have to take over the only show about female jail, too?

6. George Fucking Will. Wow. Just when I thought I couldn’t despise this irrelevant weenie any more than I already did, along come revelations that prove that there is, indeed, no bottom to his barrel of asininity and shitweaseldom. Turns out that the woman he disparaged for not having risen to his proper standard for legitimate assault victimhood was, in fact, much more violently attacked than the article he cited made her out to be. I don’t suppose we’ll be hearing any apologies, though…just more inane justifications for how he is the sole arbiter for what rape actually means and how victimhood is really somehow coveted. Along with PTSD, slut shaming, death threats, and all the other lovely shit that goes along with it, of course.

7. Jesse Fucking Watters. Yeah, patronizing the ladies is a GREAT way to fight the War on Women. It’s also a great way of proving their point…that you right-wing males are all sexist and stupid as hell. Thanks for showing us why we STILL need feminism, dude!

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8. Paul Fucking Broun. Where in the bible does it say that guns are an absolute, god-given right? Chapter and verse: NOWHERE. He made that shit up. Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie, Paul!

9. Charles Fucking Murray. So, liberals good, progressives bad? Somebody doesn’t understand the meaning of words. Methinks he was born lazy and stupid. BTW, Chuck, I’m your worst fear: I’m a socialist, and I’m dead smart, too. Boogaboogabooga!

10. John Fucking Nienstedt. Looks like all the little pink skeletons doing the Watusi in his closet decided to form a chorus line and kick the fucking door down. Just as we all knew they would. Ha, ha.

11. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Honestly, the only thing shocking about this one is that it’s taken them this long to lay just one measly, minor charge. There are so many more things he needs to go down for, and this is the very least of them.

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12. Sudin Fucking Dhavalikar. As usual, everything women wear gets blamed for them being raped. And just when can we expect MEN to get blamed for not keeping their hands — and DICKS — to themselves?

13. Heather Fucking Rodriguez. Happy Birthday, sis! Look, I got you that bag of meth you always wanted!

14. Barbara Fucking Kay. Oh look, Babs is wanking again…in front of a roomful of pathetic MRAs, no less. She must really be desperate for male attention!

15. Rob Fucking Ford. Racism is not a disease, just as stupidity is not a disability. And if your drinking brings it out, just remember: In vina, in ira, in pueritas, semper est veritas. It’s not the alcohol that’s doing it; it’s just you, minus the normal restraints.

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16. Doug Fucking Ford. And wherever Tweedledum wanks, Tweedledee is right behind, running interference (ineptly) for Bumblefuck. As usual. And just as racism is not a disability, so people’s antipathy to drunken stupidity is not racism. You know that; I know that. Dougie, alas, does not. PS: And speaking of things Dougie doesn’t know, add the meaning of the word “jihad”.

17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Once more, with feeling: Birth control pills are NOT taken before every time you have sex. You take just one a day. Stop confusing our contraception with your Viagra that you took along on a child-sex tour in the DR, Rusty!

18. James Fucking Wertz. Oh yeah, Florida Man, you big macho. You show that fluffy widdle bunny what a man’s world it is! And don’t bother wondering why your girlfriend dumped your sorry ass for abusing her pet, either.

19. Janine Fucking McCune. No, Florida Woman dear, you’re not a Moor. You’re a dumbass who childishly thinks she can buck a traffic ticket with bullshit. Just like all the other sovereign shittizen weirdos out there.

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20. Charles Fucking Tapp. And once more, ladies and gents, Florida Man…showing off his meth-cooking skills right out on the beach for your tweakin’ pleasure. Give it up for the Wang State and its unbeatable knack for producing real wieners…er, winners!

21. Scott Fucking Lively. You know, it’s really not a good idea to challenge John Oliver to a debate. For one thing, he just might take you up on that. For another, he would win.

22. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yes, yes, we get it, ShitHead. You’re a God-botherer. Now stop bothering God and get the fuck out of power, you sanctimonious turd.

23. Anthony Fucking Cumia. Time to pull the plug on all shock jocks…and what better one to start with than this sexist, racist swinebag? I hope the woman he attacked comes forward and sues his ass. PS: Plug pulled. Ha, ha.

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24. William Fucking Walters, again. Speaking of racist, we can file the Klueless Kluker under “unclear on the concept”. How does one manage to have a black best friend, as he claims to do, and still be a racist and a separatist? Oh, I see…he’s “promoting white heritage”. Yeah, like THAT needs promoting.

25. Gerry Fucking Shalam. No, your dad doesn’t own half of fucking Manhattan. And in his shoes, I would ground your ass.

26. Bristol Fucking Palin. I got your #HobbyLobbyLove right here, airhead…in the form of a permanent boycott and lotsa ridicule. Ha, ha.

27. Jeremy Fucking Walters. Well, dude, I’ll give you this: You are, indeed, an asshole. And now you’re going to be cooling your ass in jail. Ha, ha.

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28. Laura Fucking Ingraham. When even Billo thinks you’re unhinged, that really ought to tell you something.

29. Roy Fucking McCool. And speaking of unhinged: “Preppers” aren’t actually readying themselves for doomsday; they ARE doomsday. Or at the very least, they are actively trying to bring it on.

30. Joshua Fucking Finch. How the hell does one build a bomb without “trying to hurt anyone”? Unless you were planning it so that everyone hit by it would die instantly, dude, that just doesn’t make any fucking sense.

31. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Is that a bleat of desperation I hear coming from John Jacob Jingleheimer? Sure sounds like it. What a pity he’s not Jesus, eh?

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32. Joan Fucking Rivers. Uh-oh, is someone sensitive? And projecting like mad? Sure sounds like it. Diddums!

33. John Fucking Suthers. You can stand athwart history yelling “STOP” all you like, but in the end, that big ol’ steamroller is just gonna roll right over you. Ha, ha.

34. Linda Fucking Harvey. Oh noes, gay soldiers and scouts exist! And they dared to march in Pride parades! How dare they be out and proud, instead of cowering in the closet between the dustbunnies and the mothballs?

35. Anquinette Fucking Jones. No, sorry, Satan has nothing to do with evolution. That’s how God works. Did you not learn that in biology class before you began to teach it?

And finally, to these vile Israeli tweeters, and everyone else of that ilk:

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They’re celebrating a LYNCHING. How does that make them any better than these people?

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Spoiler: It doesn’t. It makes them exactly the same, actually. And just as goddamn fucking NAUSEATING.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Crappy World Pride!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy Pride Week to all my LGBT friends. Well, folks, the stoopid season is upon us like heat on a summer’s day. And I’ve got your thirty degrees of idiot right here:

1. Theresa Fucking May. Um, the UK is fairly bristling with surveillance cameras on every street corner, and now word is out that Her Majesty’s Intelligence Services have been spying on ordinary Britons — yes, even total non-terrorists with not a terrorist affiliation to speak of — as well. And yet this twit has the gall to say it’s NOT a surveillance state? Big Brother would be so pleased to see that tyranny could be achieved without ever once resorting to Ingsoc.

2. Robin Fucking Thicke. Ew ew ew ew, ew ew EW. Ooky yucky icky POO! That is all.

3. Roy Fucking Moore. What part of “Congress shall make no law” does he not understand? There is NO official religion in the US, and it doesn’t fucking matter what came over on the Mayflower. Nobody is a Puritan anymore. What diploma mill graduated this idiot of a so-called judge, anyway?

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4. William Fucking Walters. A Kluker on the neighborhood watch? A “Grand Dragon”, no less? Yeah, that’ll go well. As will the attempt to rebrand an institutionally racist organization as a non-racist, “take out the trash” buncha guys.

5. Nicholas Fucking Wig. Pro tip: When burgling a house, don’t use their computer to check your Facebook. And don’t leave it logged in to your page, either. Otherwise, you’ll earn a new status…as the world’s stupidest criminal.

6. Adam Fucking Kuhn. Pro tip: When acting as a congressional aide, don’t tweet dickpix to porn stars. In fact, don’t tweet dickpix to ANYONE.

7. Cathy Fucking Young. I have no idea why any woman would think it’s a good idea to be a rape apologist, much less a rape enabler. But she’s both, and seems to take a wankish amount of contrarian pleasure in the fact. Much like rapists get off on the vulnerability and fear of their victims, secure in the knowledge that the culture is making it easy for them to do just that, eh?

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8. Gary Fucking Oldman. And speaking of apologists, how about him…defending the indefensible Mel Fucking Gibson and his antisemism? And no, dude, you don’t get to dictate which parts of your interview get cut so you don’t end up looking like a bigot yourself. Much less whine about the “PC police”.

9. Bryan Fucking Eichfeld. Global warming denialism is “well-founded science”? Only in the eyes of the stupid, the uneducated…and teabaggers. Oh wait, I think I was repeating myself there.

10. Eleanor Fucking Levine. Oh, so you want a “very valid reason” why CAFE was excluded from Toronto’s World Pride parade? Well, how about the fact that this “men’s rights” group is aligned with the abusers’ lobby? The fact that they lied to Revenue Canada to get rubber-stamp charitable status? And the very, VERY valid reason that they haven’t done shit for GAY men’s rights…because gay guys have been taking care of that, without recourse to misogyny or antifeminism, for decades? Will that do?

11. Peter Fucking McKay. So, you think you get to tell us when the talk about your fuddy-duddy old-man sexism should stop, Petey? Nuh-uh…and don’t go putting any words in the mouth of your wife or your (alleged) female staffers, either. That “it’s not sexism if I make a woman say it” shit didn’t fly when Robert Heinlein did it in his fiction, so why should you get a pass? PS: Ha, ha!

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12 and 13. David and Jason Benham. So, they’re prepared to die in battle for homophobia’s sake? Challenge accepted! Giant buzzing dildos at dawn, boys.

14. Ben Fucking Carson. Oh, fer fucksakes. The “New World Order” is a CAPITALIST plot, you bloody stooge. If you’re going to go peddling stupid conspiracy theories about Marxism, you better start learning what the fuck Marxism actually is.

15. Greg Fucking Kelly. Yup, nothing says FUX Snooze professionalism like an anchor perving on a bikini-clad reporter. I can only imagine what he’d say if she were interviewing nudists on the beach.

16 and 17. Leonardo Fucking Garcia and Daniel Fucking Palchik. Just because a Ferrari’s in your repair shop, doesn’t mean you get to take it out for a spin. And just because it CAN go fast, doesn’t mean you should make it. Especially if the end result is that you’re going to be hammering the damage out of that sucker for the rest of your (hopefully short) mechanical careers.

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18. Amado Fucking Boudou. If you ever wanted to make a case for why some things should NEVER be out-contracted to the corporate sector, looks like the soon-to-be-former vice president of Argentina just made it for you. And in this case, the thing is printing money. I shit you not.

19. Chantal Fucking Barry. Any doctor unwilling to prescribe the Pill (or any other birth control) has no business being a doctor. If you can’t separate your religion from your job, find another fucking job!

20. Jordan Fucking Haskins. And because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one actual wanker, here you go. This one would like you to please ignore his previous career as a serial wanker (and hot-wirer of cars) and elect him as a state rep in Michigan. Oh yeah, and of course, he’s a Repug. Doesn’t that just so figure?

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21. Justin Fucking Lookadoo. Look, a douche! Ha, ha…that will NEVER get old. And look! He’s also drunk and covered in vomit. I do believe that makes him UNDATEABLE. Ha, ha.

22. Joy Fucking Pinto. If birth control is from “the pit of hell”, may I ask just how many children this woman has? And if she’s taken any kind of artificial measures to limit their number, wouldn’t that make her a fucking hypocrite? And if the “real war on women” is being waged by giving them the freedom to have sex with impunity, what on Earth is the reward for listening to this wild-eyed freak, anyway?

23. Mike Fucking Friend. Who the fuck fires a howitzer at a civilian rifle range? And who the hell LETS them? Irresponsible fucking idiots, that’s who.

24. John Fucking Huppenthal. Still not resigning or apologizing over all those racist blog trollposts? Still a fucking wanker. PS: Cry me a Nile, crocodile.

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25. Adam Fucking Levine. Douchebaggery: Long suspected. Also, confirmed by really fucking wimpy denial.

26. William Fucking Gheen. Dude. Don’t send your dirty underwear to undocumented immigrants…they don’t need it. Sell that shit on Craigslist to those who are truly worthy of your panic-soiled tighty-whities, ‘kay?

27, 28, 29 and 30. Jesse Fucking Deboard, Chris Fucking Masters, Christina Fucking Tharp, and Stephanie Fucking Coverman. Oh look, it’s a well-regulated militia! Nope…just four stupid gunsuckers parading their metal penises and spouting racist slurs on the street in broad daylight in yet another open-carry fuckfest of Teh Hardcore Stoopid. And now you’re getting arrested for it. Ha, ha.

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And finally, to all the fuckwitted fucknuts in Arizona who attended this fucking idiotic public hearing on “chemtrails”. People, get a grip…it’s only fucking jet exhaust. You live under the flight paths of a busy airport, fer fucksakes. If “they”, whoever “they” are, wanted to kill you with toxic bug spray, don’t you think they’d be buzzing your houses in crop-dusters, instead of jets leaving condensation trails at 30,000+ feet? Anyway, “they” don’t exist, either. And it looks like the only sinister force out to kill you is your own fucking stupidity. A pity it isn’t working any faster.

Good night, and get fucked!

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Wankers of the Week: Bummer Solstice

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy summer solstice to one and all. It’s the longest day and shortest night of the year, and the wanks came fast and furious this week, folks, so let’s just get right down to ‘em, shall we?

1. Andrew Fucking Dandurand. Yay! Another fine ground-stander in Florida stands his ground. This time, luckily, the cops caught him before he could actually follow through on his plan to stand his ground against his ex-girlfriend, her new boyfriend, and her child. If he could only stand his ground against crystal meth, instead…

2. Anthony Fucking Elonis. Yay! Another fucking Nice Guy™ is just trying to be Nice™. Of course, it involves a lot of gaslight, and not-so-veiled threats, as is usual with these Nice Guys™.

3. Charles Jeffrey Fucking Short. Yay! Another fine Christian, just Christianing around. With a sledgehammer. On some religious statuary. In the name of Jeebus, Mary, and the Great Jumpin’ Jehosaphat. Amen!

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4. Richard Fucking Coleman. Yay! Another fine city council member, thinking it’s “fair” to treat a kid with a cute (and literacy-promoting) idea like a lawbreaker. File this under Grownups Are All Poopyheads.

5. Terry Fucking Bradshaw. Stick to football, old man, and leave the Monday morning quarterbacking (and Benghazi-shouting) to the other wingnuts.

6. Mark Fucking Parkinson. Oh look, another Anthony Fucking Weiner. This one with an R after his name. Yay!

7. Rob Fucking Morrison. 121 calls over three days to one estranged wife. Obsess much?

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8. David Fucking Cameron. Christianity can make politicians good? Yes, I can see that. Worked wonders for both you and Tony Fucking “Dodgy Dossier” Blair, hasn’t it?

9. Mike Fucking Coffman. Call that a push-up? I call it humping the fuckin’ floor. Hell, I can do full push-ups better…and I’m a bottom-heavy woman, too!

10. Brent Douglas Fucking Cole. Yay! Another Sovereign Citizen™, sovereigning the hell out of the citizenry with the usual pig-legalese. And standing his ground against the Bureau of Land Management and the police, too!

11. Mehmet Fucking Oz. Yay! Another TV weight-loss scamster gets his ass handed to him by Sen. Claire McCaskill. How many pounds did he lose there, I wonder?

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12. Glenn Fucking Beck. Get ready for the Great Humbling, folks…followed, no doubt, by another Great Disappointment when nothing actually happens. And of course, Biff won’t be the one getting humbled, either…not if he can help it.

13. Dennis Fucking Kneier. Throwing doggy-doo on someone else’s lawn. What are you, a teenage hoodlum? Nope…try a mayor, throwing shit at a political rival. And now you’re out. Ha, ha.

14. David Fucking Garden. Yay! Another God-talker, talking God while he talks rightful homeowners out of their titles and rents their property and keeps the proceeds for himself. Say, isn’t that usury? I’m pretty sure Jesus drove some moneychangers out of the Temple for that…

15. Donald Fucking Trump. So, he says he wouldn’t do Kim Kardashian or J-Lo? Well, that makes two of us. And I wouldn’t do HIM, either. They may have “bad bodies” with all that junk in the trunk, but he’s got terrible hair, what with that small dead animal on his scalp and all.

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16. George Fucking Zimmerman. How DARE the media report accurately that he said “fucking coon” on a 911 tape? How DARE people call a racist spade a fucking shovel, already? Oh, the humanity! At this rate, I’m going to enjoy watching the judge throw out one after the other of his meritless lawsuits. Ha, ha.

17. Rickey Fucking Wagoner. And speaking of racists, how about this one? He stabbed himself to make it look like a bunch of black gang members did it. And even the bible he was carrying in his pocket couldn’t save him from the ridicule of being found out. Ha, ha!

18. Robert Fucking Scoble. Gee, Yogi, why are Glassholes called that? Well, Boo-Boo, it’s because they ARE that. When privacy invasion becomes a way of life for some people, why, they just can’t help it! And no, they’re not smarter than the average bear; they just have more fucking chutzpah.

19. Peter Fucking MacKay. Women are too busy bonding with their kids to apply for top jobs? Um, NO. First off, not all of us have kids; secondly, not all who have kids are their primary caregivers; thirdly, dads are parents too, and bond with kids also; and fourth, women with high-powered careers tend to be in the best position to work out satisfactory child-care arrangements, and often do so without a hitch. But then again, institutional sexism will reach for any justification, however flimsy. And there is no bigger institutional sexist than our own so-called justice minister, who has made a habit of mocking the judiciary with every shitty appointment his boss dictates. PS: Liar, liar. Ha, ha.

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20 and 21. Stephen Fucking Harper and Tony Fucking Abbott. Speaking of Petey’s boss, he’s in Australia now, playing footsies with his equally loathsome local counterpart, denying that climate-change is man-made, and of course, wearing the gaudiest, gawd-awfullest, fugliest shirts imaginable. Yay!

22. Martin Fucking Winters. Hooray, another fine doomsday prepper, preppin’ for doomsday…only it didn’t come and he got cold, wet and hungry waiting for it, and finally “they” trapped him with a burger and some fries. There’s a moral in there somewhere, surely.

23. George Fucking Will. Old man, it’s long past time for you to retire. It’s cranky old wingnuts like YOU who don’t take rape seriously and can’t fucking read. And one paper (sadly, not the WaHoPo) has already dropped your useless, shitty column. Take a hint, already, and SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!

24. Sean Fucking Hannity. What to do with a Muslim who’s been bullied? Why, bully her some more, and beat her about the head with Benghazi, Benghazi, Ben-fucking-GHAZI! What else would the Baby Jesus do?

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25. Michelle Fucking MacDonald. And speaking of Jesus and what he would do, I’m pretty sure that lying about impaired-driving charges wouldn’t be in there anywhere. Ditto with lying about George Washington, who was only as religious as form required him to be.

26. Joe Fucking Arpaio. He must be a ventriloquist, because how else could he talk out of both sides of his mouth like that? Oh yeah, that must be why he said “foraged” by mistake for forged.

27. Mike Fucking Huckabee. No, Martin Luther King would NOT consider gay marriage a holocaust. Are you forgetting Bayard Rustin, who MLK knew perfectly well to be gay?

28. Rick Fucking Perry. Oh lord, the mothballs must really be getting to him in that closet of his. Now Crotch thinks he’s Jewish!

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29. Scott Fucking Walker. Oh Wisconsin, why didn’t you recall this assbucket when you had the chance? Now you’ve got toxic scandal all over your nice, clean state!

30. Chris Fucking Christie. Meanwhile, in New Jersey, another assbucket is about to slop over, too. But since Standard Oil contaminated the state long ago, will anyone even notice?

31. Cherron Fucking Phillips. Wow. It’s really been quite the week for sovereign shittizens, hasn’t it? Here’s another one. Unfortunately for all of them this really hasn’t been their week, after all.

32. Adam Fucking Richman. I don’t know who you are, and I don’t give a rat’s nuts if you’re famous, or for what. NOTHING excuses calling someone a cunt and telling her to kill herself. Not even your stupid fucking “thinspiration”. Got it?

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33. John Fucking Huppenthal. Say, shouldn’t a chief of public schools be, I dunno, NON-RACIST? IMPARTIAL? And all those other things public officials usually are, instead of a stupid-ass right-wing blog troll with a million fake IDs? And isn’t he a bit old for all this zit-faced-kid-in-mom’s-basement stuff? What a loser. And Arizona? If you re-elect him, the bigger loser will be YOU.

34. Ruben Fucking Diaz. If you’re going to offer lots and lots of free rides to DC, shouldn’t you at least say what for? Oh…a NOM rally against same-sex marriage? Yeah, I can see why no one was biting. Ha, ha.

35. Ralph Fucking Reed. Urinal pucks shaped like a big-eared caricature of your own president? Stay classy, Ralphie. (And try not to whack off over it, ‘kay?)

36. Jace Fucking Connors. Huzzah! #23 is vindicated! I have finally found someone actively coveting sexual-assault victim status! Huzzah! PS: Does it count if he’s only been sent dickpix by a couple of gay guys trolling him so he loses his shit on his cheesy little cable-access internet show that maybe six people have ever watched? Oh well, huzzah anyway!

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37. Joe Fucking Walsh. Oh look, Deadbeat Dad the Teabagger thinks you should be able to say racist slurs on the radio. Unless perchance you’re reading aloud from something like Huckleberry Finn, unabridged, or quoting a racist verbatim (and making it clear that you are only quoting), there is just no way that this shit cannot be offensive. Suck it up, cracker!

38 and 39. Dustin Fucking Rosondich and Xylie Fucking Eshleman. And MOAR fucking “sovereign” jackwagons! How the hell can you be “expatriated” from the US, or a “Non Resident” there, when you still LIVE there? And no, you don’t get to make up your own rules, or your own meanings for words, OR your own hand-drawn licence plates. Drivers’ licences are granted by the STATE, you dumbfucks. You know, that authority that administrates the public roads you so sovereignly drive upon, with taxes paid by citizens? Also, your “sovereign” music sovereignly sucks.

40. Dan Fucking Shapiro. And speaking of jackwagons and stupid shit you don’t get to do, up here in the Great North, we don’t take kindly to having our records of residential school abuse — paid for with OUR taxes — destroyed. Those records may not make anyone comfortable, but they’re there for a reason: to remind us all of what racist fucks used to be in charge here, and to remind us never to elect such racist fucks again…or appoint them to truth and reconciliation commissions, either.

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And finally, to all the fucking Texas idiotesses who toted their guns into a Target store. (To do a little Target shootin’?) Thanks for proving that female gun nuts are just as fixated on the ol’ metal penis compensators as the guys, and no more amenable to common sense, either. I’m sure all the other shoppers felt so much safer with you in there, playing Rambette and belittling their concern for the safety of the store staff, themselves, and oh yeah, THE CHILDREN. Some of whom, incidentally, were yours. And for whom you are setting a piss-poor example of how to be the good guy with a gun.

Also, to Target, for letting this happen, instead of taking a leaf from more responsible businesses. Hope you enjoy the boycott you got coming, assholes.

Good night, and get fucked!

Posted in Wankers of the Week. Comments Off »

Wankers of the Week: The Devil in Mr. Jones

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. So, how are you all holding up after that Friday the 13th solar storm…and how are you liking our new Liberal majority hell? Ha, ha. Yeah, Toronto Redneck Sun, eat your hearts out. You sure know how to pick a winner. Pronounced “wiener”, of course. And here’s who else deserves a thorough roasting this week:

1. Alex Fucking Jones. No, that wasn’t Harry Reid’s “false flag”, that was your real (Gadsden) one. Those were YOUR idiot children committing mass murder and suicide in Vegas. And how do you take responsibility? By disgracefully shafting elected officials who had nothing to do with someone else’s madness. For once in your life, have the fucking decency to shut the fuck up, you crank-wanking tinfoil-haberdashing poltroon.

2. Nikki Fucking Haley. Instead of banning guns, racism, paranoia and bullshit about “chemtrails”, let’s ban Black Biker Week instead! Because, as everyone knows, the most dangerous person in the world is a black guy vrooming around on a Harley.

3. Jeff Fucking Miller. If only this dinosaur could go extinct along with all the ones that kacked when that meteor hit the Earth. Sigh.

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4. George Fucking Will. Because being assaulted and then slut-shamed for it is such a fucking privilege. Jesus H. Christ. PS: Sign, sign, sign.

5. Fredrick Fucking Tennyson Fucking Davis. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how absurd it is to be masturbating with a cucumber in one hand and your dong in the other. IN A LIBRARY. But hey! It wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one real life wanker, right?

6. David Fucking Cerna. Cops planting hidden cameras are suspect at the best of times. And at the worst of times? Well, they’re kind of like this one, who thought it would be good for shits ‘n’ giggles to make videos of strangers using a public toilet.

7. Ted Fucking Galatis. Stand yer ground! And the best way to do that is to hurl the N-word at random!

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8. Elizabeth Fucking Wurtzel. You and the pope have one thing in common, dear: Neither of you has kids. And a second thing, too: Neither of you has any business telling others they SHOULD have kids.

9. Connie Fucking Trube. Oh noes, there are black people on the local school board! The horror! The HORROR!!!

10. Shawn Fucking Ryan Fucking Thomas. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how monstrously perverted this guy is for trying to peddle DVDs of himself raping a 9-year-old…and trying to kill her and her family, too. Bonus: He’s a Florida Man! You just know a week wouldn’t go by without one of THEM having a particularly grotesque wank…

11. Thad Fucking Cochran. And meanwhile, in other wankish news from the Deep South, there’s this ol’ donkey-bonker. Who apparently thinks it’s quite normal for boys to have their first “sexual” experiences with farm animals. Well, maybe for right-wing nutters it is. Everyone else, however, just thinks you’re a putz if you have to resort to that.

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12. Doug Fucking Ford. The PC party doesn’t “need” an enema, it IS one. Always up your ass and covered in shit, that is. And Robbo is a “social NDPer”? Um, NO. Just because he smokes crack don’t make him a socialist. Actually, socialists are the LEAST likely to do any of the shit he’s done.

13. Jim Fucking Keegstra. How many rural Albertan yokels are racist Klukers and neo-Nazis today because they passed through his schoolroom as kids? Oh well, he’s dead now. Still good for a posthumous listing, though, because he never had the decency to admit that he was deliberately warping impressionable young minds by teaching Holocaust denialism — and even dared to claim it was his “free speech” right to do so. Ding, dong, Jimbo…I hope your views go to the grave with you.

14. Robert Fucking Fisher. Newsflash: Kathleen Wynne’s same-sex relationship is not a “lifestyle choice”. Being gay is not a “lifestyle choice” either. You’re thinking of her previous marriage, the one where she was hitched to a man.

15. Brent Fucking Bruwelheide. When your girlfriend refuses to kiss you goodnight, you can do one of two things: Respect her wishes, or break up. You’ll notice that beating her up and trying to strangle her to death with an electrical cord are NOT on that list.

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16. Rick Fucking Perry. Being gay is like being an alcoholic? Well then, Crotch, I guess that makes you a closet drunk. Come on out of there already…the mothball vapors have clearly gone to your head!

17. John Fucking McCain. Because prisoner swapping is only ever right when Repugs do it!

18. Adam Fucking Kokesh. Wingnut who inspired other wingnuts to kill cops at random before offing themselves has the nerve to paint them — and by extension, himself — as “victims”. Excuse me, but they stalked those cops and attacked them from behind. They publicized their intentions all over the place, too. How fucking clueless does one have to be in order to be a flibbertigibbertarian, these days?

19. Jim Fucking Sanders. Carrying your gun around town because you don’t want to pay your traffic tickets and get your suspended licence back? Yeah, that’ll really convince ‘em that you’re mentally fit to drive again! Also, no, you are NOT “sovereign”, nor are you an expert at what laws are “lawful”; you’re just an idiot who can’t drive and thinks that throwing tantrums is an adequate response to penalties against your incompetence. Pay up, shut up, and go the fuck home.

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20. Nichole Fucking Reed. It’s never a wankapedia without Florida Man…and his equally wacky female counterpart, Florida Woman. And what could be more wankish than stuffing $11.99 worth of lobster tails down one’s incredibly ugly pants in the hopes of trading them for either Chinese takeout or Dilaudid, you’re not sure which?

21. Alonzo Fucking Liverman. And speaking of bad trades, how about a salad for a BJ? No? Too rich for your blood, huh?

22. and 23. David Fucking Brat and Zachary Fucking Werrell. Would it surprise you greatly to know that the leading “Ayn Rand scholar” who upset Eric Cantor has an idiot for a campaign manager? And that he’s quite the moron himself? No? Oh good. Me neither!

24. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Non-Christians going to an imaginary burny place is “good news”? And a liberal pastor is not a real Christian? Oh, the ironies just write themselves, don’t they.

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25. Lou Fucking Dobbs. My gawd, His Barackness really does have the most extraordinary powers, doesn’t he? And quick, somebody inform the governments of Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador, etc., that they’re in a shady secret alliance with that black guy in the White House. I’m sure they’ll be wondering when the hell THAT happened.

26. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yup, HER again. She just won’t go away! But she’s right about one thing: Elizabeth Warren is indeed not a populist. Populists are only out to get as many votes from dumb yokels as they can. Warren appeals to voters’ intelligence, not their stupidity. So congrats, Michie, on for once getting something right. And savor it while you can, folks, because she’ll be back to Teh Stoopid in 3…2…1…

27. Tony Fucking Blair. Not content to fuck up Iraq when he had the chance, Dubya’s Poodle now thinks the anglosphere should do the same to Syria. I have a better idea, Toady…how about you just go fuck yourself?

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28. Bryan Fucking Hughes. No, “reparative therapy” doesn’t work. Being gay is not a disease, and therefore no therapy is needed. But hey! Thanks again for reminding us that everything’s big in Texas…especially the dumbth.

29. Scott Fucking Esk. What are you trying to do, Oklahoma…give Texas a run for its money in terms of hatred, bigotry and Teh Stoopid? Jeez.

30. Hillary Fucking Clinton. How the hell do two Ivy League-educated lawyers manage to get flat-ass broke, so they just HAVE to hit that lucrative paid-speaking circuit? I don’t know, but she claims she and Bill were. Couldn’t afford to keep their law licences current, could they? How about selling one of those heavily mortgaged houses? That thought didn’t occur? Wow.

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And finally, to all the antivaxxers out there. Congratulations! You have a whooping cough epidemic to answer for in California, and on the other side of the continent, a mother gone paranoid thanks to her new wingnut boyfriend, who now refuses to vaccinate her daughter, or send her to school…or even let her see her own father. And the woman’s own mother says the father would be the better custodial parent, which should really tell you something, shouldn’t it? Yeah, it should. But are you listening? Nooooo. Too busy babbling discredited bullshit about autism…STILL. Enjoy your plague, you ratbastards. Because it doesn’t look like it’s going to end any time soon.

Good night, and get fucked!

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