Any questions?

And when you’re done that, get a life:

Public Safety Minister Vic Toews claims he was attacked on two internet fronts from inside the House of Commons last week and says in a letter to the House Speaker that one of the assaults—the short-lived Vikileaks Twitter account spreading details of his divorce—was an attempt to “anonymously degrade” his reputation.

In a letter Mr. Toews (Provencher, Man.) sent to House Speaker Andrew Scheer (Regina-Qu’Appelle, Sask.), Mr. Toews reveals that, as affidavits from his divorce were circulating on Twitter as part of the backlash against Bill C-30, the so-called Protecting Children from Internet Predators Act (legislation he introduced to give police and intelligence agencies sweeping internet surveillance powers) someone from within the Commons also jammed up his Parliamentary email accounts with a flood of emails.

“It has come to my attention that House of Commons resources have been used in an attempt to anonymously degrade my reputation and obstruct me from carrying out my duties as a Member of Parliament,” Mr. Toews wrote, also blaming the Vikileaks attack on someone from within Parliament.

The Ottawa Citizen reported last Friday it had tracked down the internet protocol address of the computer behind the Vikileaks account, and that the address had been the source of Wikipedia editing that appeared to give the articles a pro-NDP bias. But the newspaper also reported someone who uses the IP address denied any connection to the Vickleaks exposés of Mr. Toews’ divorce court affidavits.

The House of Commons has since said in statements of its internet connection and routing system, released through Mr. Scheer’s communications director Heather Bradley, that its system uses a masking system that prevents anyone from easily identifying the IP address of any of its 4,000 computers and their users.

Mr. Toews, whose office provided The Hill Times with a copy of his letter to Mr. Scheer last Friday, wrote: “Details of my personal life have been transmitted to the general public from an Internet Protocol Address associated with the House of Commons in a misguided attempt to gain political advantage.”

In a new twist, unknown publicly before his office released the letter to Mr. Scheer, Mr. Toews asked Mr. Scheer to also investigate the assault on his office email accounts.

“The attempt to smear my name using taxpayer-funded resources appears to be a clear violation of the rules applicable to Members of the House of Commons, their employees and agents,” Mr. Toews wrote.

Oh really? Seems to me that those details were already publicly known, if not heavily advertised by our lovely, polite media.

And really, Vic…if you’re gonna whine about how degraded you feel, maybe you should learn to start thinking with your big head instead of your little one. In fact, you should have done so years ago. Because if you hadn’t let your dick do your thinking for you, you might not have handed so much ammo to your enemy, whom you can’t even identify and never will. (So much for the utility of your online spying bill, eh?)

All this talk of degradation is kind of rich coming from a man who prattles (still!) about “family values” despite having deserted his existing family, and who accuses everyone opposed to him of being in league with kiddie pornographers. What a load of codswallop. YOU degraded you, Vic; Vikileaks only reminded us of the fact, which was rather neatly swept under the rug shortly after the media first caught wind of it.

I can’t help being amused, either, that you’re still whining about Vikileaks even though it’s now shut down. For a big bully, you sure do have a thin-skinned ass. And it’s one that’s begging to be kicked again and again until it gets the message that cowardly bully politics have no place in this country.

It may be carnival time (and thus, the silly season) in Bolivia, but apparently some don’t find anything funny about it…or at least, not the way the president comported himself during Friday’s kick-off celebrations:

Opposition legislators and feminists criticized the Bolivian president, Evo Morales, for participating in a carnival party in which they sang machista lyrics that alluded to the underwear of his female ministers, and to his supposed reputation as a skirt-chaser.

Opposition senator Jeanine Añez told EFE today that the verses “were very coarse, totally out of line”, and should not be accepted even in jest. She considers that the lyrics encapsulate the personality of Morales, who has been accused many times of being a machista.

“Everything they sang, which he enjoyed to the fullest because he looked satisfied, it seems to me like a lack or respect for women. We’ll see if the women of the Movement Toward Socialism [Morales's party] say anything about it, because whenever anything like that comes from the president, all they do is smile,” said senator Añez.

“This good-hearted president takes off all the lady ministers’ panties”; “Our president is very adventurous, he only wants one [woman] and ends up eating three”: “Our president is a ladykiller, and exchanges girls two for three”, are some of the verses sung on Friday by musicians at the doors of the government palace before Morales, whose cabinet has seven female ministers.

Morales laughed at most of the verses and sang along with the chorus: “Bartolina Sisa was very famous, for that reason I take them directly to my bed”, an allusion to an organization for indigenous women leaders loyal to the head of state.

“Now the ministers walk past the balconies, begging alms for their panties”, or “I’m the president and my name is Evo, for that reason I want a new palace”, the president himself sang.

“Not even humor or the carnival are excuses enough for such a profound exercise in humiliation and denigration,”, feminist María Galindo told EFE.

Galindo maintains that the verse about the Bartolina Sisa organization is “a nasty fighting kick” against indigenous women in politics, and she criticized how Morales’s female ministers and the presidents of the Senate and the Deputies, also female, expressed no protest against the act.

“They weren’t able to back out, and worse yet, they’re women who call themselves feminists,” Galindo said.

Translation mine.

Methinks that these opposition so-called feminists need to lighten up and maybe get their rabies shots. Those lines are tame compared to a lot of lyrics I’ve heard sung (or rapped) in dead earnest up here. And if you watch the video, you’ll see that the entire crowd is laughing along with Evo. Half of the people in that crowd are female!

And, I reiterate: It’s CARNIVAL. You know, the silly season? The time when people dress and act very different from their usual selves? When they take a lot of good-natured ribbing for things they may or may not have done? They do that in Germany at the Rose Monday parades (which were today), and at which even the Chancellor herself, Angela Merkel, has come in for a good deal of teasing that is at least as pointed as this, if not much more so.

Evo is still unmarried, true, but I suspect it’s more due to the nature of his very busy, highly political job than to any actual skirt-chasing tendencies. And yes, he does have at least one out-of-wedlock child that I know of. But THAT many women? If he found time to squeeze them all in for real, I’d be seriously surprised. You don’t get to be the man who pulled South America’s poorest country out of the pit by just lounging around getting laid a lot. Before he was first elected to the Bolivian congress, he was a coca-growers’ union leader, and as this documentary makes clear, it’s a hard-working, hard-fighting union indeed, one with six federations. Three of them consisting of, and led by, women.

Does he seem machista or disrespectful to YOU? I get quite a different impression of him. Mostly as quite a modest and diffident kind of guy. And VERY hard-working.

BTW, I love how we get glimpses of Evo’s sense of humor in there. Yes, he cracks the odd naughty one, but his flirtatious little jokes are tame compared to some of the ones I’ve been known to make. And remember, people, I’m a feminist too. I know a machista when I smell one. Evo might be a sexy single guy, but I doubt very much that he’s the big bad wolf these very exaggerated verses make him out to be. And that’s why everyone, including the women in the crowd, laughed along with him.

Remember this picture? The lamestream media up here don’t want you to. According to them, this silly poser, who pretended to be a Communist while in China for the Beijing Olympics, is The Man Who Will Beat Hugo Chávez, assuming that the allegedly rampant anti-semitism in Venezuela doesn’t make him the victim of a one-man pogrom before the campaign wraps up. But while the increasingly irrelevant Wiesenthalers and ADL soil themselves to no end over Henrique Capriles Radonski, and over the horrible “pig” insult allegedly lobbed at his head by you-know-who (in the presence of Sean Penn, no less!), here’s the unglamorous truth about his poll numbers:

A recent poll of presidential voting intentions by International Consulting Services (ICS) puts Hugo Chavez at 58.2% support and Capriles Radonski at 34.5%.

Ooooooo, that’s gotta hurt.

And just for good measure, here’s how Venezuelans really feel about socialism:

A January study by polling firm International Consulting Services (ICS) has shown that 53% of Venezuelans think that the kind of socialism promoted by the current president Hugo Chavez is a political and economic system that guarantees the development of the country. Meanwhile, the same polling organisation found if the 7 October presidential elections were held tomorrow Chavez would be re-elected with 58.2% of the vote.

Juan Scorza, director of ICS, said in a television interview that “the belief that this is a positive system for the country has been reinforced,” and pointed out that only 21% believe that capitalism is the system that would guarantee development for the country.

“Between socialism and capitalism, it is clear Venezuelans prefer socialism,” he stated. With regard to social programs, or missions, Venezuelans gave a positive appraisal of 80%.

“This concept of socialism is that all recent [government] measures, like the Law on Fair Costs and Prices, new missions, and protection to workers are creating an environment in which there is collective benefit and that’s how people perceive it,” he said.

As for problems, the director highlighted that 52.9% of Venezuelans see insecurity as the main problem in the country, followed by corruption and inflation.

“Nonetheless, [the perception of] insecurity as a problem has fallen in intensity. In October, it was at 60.2%,” he added.

That all translates to bad news for Capriles, who, like all the oppos, has been capitalizing on the “capitalism good, Venezuelan crime rates bad” mantra that these unoriginal toadies keep repeating, on orders of their gurus in Washington and Miami. Not only is he WAY behind Chavecito in the polls, with no hope of ever catching him (unless Diebold hacks the Venezuelan voting machines), even his platform is out of date. And his weak “centre-left” pose amid a “unity table” comprised of old right-wingers, fascists and putschists, who are in fact far from united (much less behind HIM!), can’t stand up to the popularity of 21st Century Socialism, either.

And just to add insult to injury, there’s this:

In reports published by the USA State Department on Venezuela and published by Wikileaks, Capriles was linked to the assault on the Cuban Embassy in Caracas, and as a suspect in the assassination of the Venezuelan Prosecutor, Danilo Anderson.

The documents demonstrate the complacency of the USA Embassy in Caracas towards this leader of the Primero Justicia Party of fascist bent and whose role in the assault to the Cuban Embassy and other illicit activities has been censured in the text.

These documents show that the USA Embassy not only recognizes Capriles, who is now the governor of the state of Miranda, but also offers him cooperation and the many paragraphs that are blacked out by the censors in Washington reveal collaborations that is beyond what they are prepared to confess.

On April 12, 2002, during the most tense hours of the coup d’etat, the Embassy of the Republic of Cuba was assaulted by a group of extreme right demonstrators that were led by two individuals identified in Venezuela to terrorist acts against Cuba, they are Salvador Romani and Ricardo Koesling. These two were soon after joined by Capriles and the former commissar of the DISIP (former secret police), the assassin, Henry Lopez Sisco.

They cut the electricity and water supply to the diplomatic headquarters, they destroyed the vehicles of the diplomats and they surrounded the embassy so that no one could leave it. Capriles Radonsky was caught on film by the Venezuelan TV stations climbing a ladder and jumping over the embassy fence, then enter the embassy and threatening the Ambassador of Cuba in Venezuela, German Sanchez Otero, with more violence if he did not give up the Venezuelan officials whom they thought were hidden in the Embassy.

On that same day, April 12, Capriles — who was then mayor of the municipality of Baruta where the Cuban Embassy was located- not only refused to take measures to stop acts of violence, but witnessing on site the violence, insisted on “inspecting” the Embassy, something completely against international conventions, and then made provocative statements.

Capriles Radonski was also an accomplice in the arbitrary detention of Ramon Rodriguez Chacin, then Minister of Justice and the Interior and took part in the illegal sacking of his home.

And this is the innocent victim of an anti-semitic “pig” smear?

Well, here’s the funny part: I searched for that speech where Chavecito allegedly called this putschist a cochino, which is the actual Venezuelan term for pig, and came up with nada! The terrible insult in question is majunche, which doesn’t have anything to do with unkosher pork. It means “of inferior quality, shoddy, mediocre”. And anyone who hangs with fascists, is NOT Jewish by religion (Capriles, Polish-Jewish grandparents notwithstanding, is a practicing Catholic who makes a big show of wearing his rosaries in public), and uses the “I’m a victim of anti-semitism” card when it’s obvious that they are not a victim of anything but their own delusions of grandeur and persecution…is of inferior quality, shoddy, and mediocre, all right.

With the poll numbers to prove it.

This might also come in handy for the Harper Government™ hacks and apologists lurking here, seeing as you’re all trying to turn us into Yanks Lite with your dirty, smear-mongering politics. BTW, if you want to know where to start for Venezuela, it’s on the LEFT. Pay attention and memorize this, because you never know when reality will throw you a pop quiz. This concludes today’s tutorial. Any questions?

I don’t know which is more incredible: the fact that this song is now 30 years old, or that it sounds even better live than it did when I first bought it on vinyl. It’s note-perfect here, and I la-la-la-love it still.

Crappy weekend, everyone! Have you all enjoyed your week-that-was? NO? What a surprise. I couldn’t either, what with all these wankers breathing down my neck (or DSL line, same difference). And here they come, in no particular order:

1. Sarah Fucking Palin. I’m surprised that even CPAC still thinks she’s relevant; she’s not, she’s just a fuckwit who can’t stop yapping for dollars and taking all the bitter old dumb-ass racist crackers to the cleaners. And yeah, she should be thrown out with the bathwater. Preferably in the dead of the Alaskan winter. Don’t forget to lock all the windows and doors, people. And buy earplugs, because her voice is hard on the eardrums even at normal levels. PS: Go AWAY, Sarah!

2. John Fucking Baird. If you thought #1 was dumb and grating, you should see/hear this one. Squealer is just one of Canada’s many (inter)national embarrassments, all of whom fall under the rubric of neo-conservatard. PS: And talk about dishing it out but not being able to take it, poor Squealer is giving himself a hernia because someone using a parliamentary IP number — an NDPer, or so he thinks — doesn’t love Big Brother, a.k.a. Icky Vic, and is dredging up old but publicly known facts about him and his “pro-family” hypocrisies. BTW, speaking of “pro-family” hypocrisies, rumor has it that Squealer’s been seen around the gay bars in Montréal, and that he likes him some twinque. Get on it, news media!

3. Pamela Fucking Geller. When is an honor killing nothing of the sort? When it’s a case of domestic abuse. And when it’s something that Ms. Atlas Shits is jumping all over like a fucking necrophiliac, trying to exploit without the least sense of honor or shame on her own part.

4. Liz Fucking Trotta. She thinks women in the military should expect to be raped? I think right-wing women on FUX Snooze should expect to be dribbled around the court of public opinion before being harshly slam-dunked in the ol’ ridicule basket. BTW, Liz, before you go slagging feminists again, just remember who it was that won you the right to make a well-paid career out of saying stupid sexist objectively pro-rape shit. Wasn’t YOU, honey. And it wasn’t the pukey old men who hired you, either.

PS: Sign, sign, SIGN. PPS: Very well said!

5. Rick Fucking Santorum. Another week, another raft of wank. First it was women’s emotions, now it’s their “weakness” that makes them unsuitable for combat? Obviously, Icky Ricky has never heard of my Germanic ancestors, whose women fought alongside their men and took not one gram of shit from anyone. Which is kind of funny, because they’re the same “barbarians” that sacked the land of HIS ancestors. PS: Oh, EW!!!

6. Nancy Fucking Brinker. Continues to implode apace, taking the entire Komen (for the Cure™!) Foundation with her. Also looks disturbingly like a Klingon.

7. Rick Fucking Warren. Apparently, “the State of Grace” is a very lenient place to live if you’re hardcore stupid. For the rest of us, though, birth control is a good way of preventing more Stoopid from leaking out of “Grace” and into this world, where critical intelligence matters.

8. Vic Fucking Toews. So it’s down to a choice between you fascists and the child pornographers, is it, O Adulterer? What the fuck is this, The Bush Crime Syndicate, Canadian Edition? “You’re either with us, or with the terrorists”? Fuck off, Vic. Fuck RIGHT off. And get your Dirty Old Man hands off my online privacy.

PS: Ha, ha! Let’s hear it for Vikileaks! PPS: Looks like something worked! PPPS: And now he’s on the side of the pornographers. And apparently, he hasn’t read his own legislation. What the fuckity fucking fuck?

9. Tamara Fucking Lowe. More proof, in case we needed it, that the most pious people are, in fact, really the most disgustingly dirty ones. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of a liberal, progressive or socialist stealing porn?

10. Sherri Fucking Shepherd. Defending Chris Fucking Brown, who beat and strangled Rihanna until she passed out? Hell, even his so-called music is indefensible. If you rely on autotuning, you are NO singer. And if you whine and sulk and pout about being shut out, instead of feeling remorse for almost killing your ex-girlfriend, you are NOT rehabilitated, and you do NOT deserve a second chance. And if you defend anyone who matches the above description, you are a fucking imbecile. And you should also be shut out.

11. And on that note, Chris Fucking Brown is back, and boy, is he fucking BITCHY. Even his mother thinks so! Ladies, you may want to run the other way. He is already known to be a fucking psycho, and a whiny petulant one, too. If he doesn’t beat the shit out of you, he may just drive you around the bend with his childishness and unaccountability. And, like I said, he can’t fucking sing. PS: Ugh.

12. Marston Fucking Hefner. Yep, Hef’s son is a woman abuser, too. The Playboy Philosophy in action! What else can you expect of a magazine whose models are required to sleep with the boss and sometimes, apparently, his son?

13. Todd Fucking Gilbert. Well, of COURSE abortion is just a “lifestyle convenience” to a man, who will never have one but might just blithely send his mistress to get one. After all, it’s not him who has to pay for it in time off work, worry and fretting, money, or humiliation in the form of an ultrasound probe up the hoo-ha. Maybe the state of Virginia needs an anti-wank sperm-personhood clause attached to its stupid fucking anti-abortion laws.

14. Melissa Fucking Clouthier. OMG, the CPAC “ladies” are a bunch of skankily-clad sluttereenas. Because-because-because FEMINISM! Clutch pearls! Stagger to fainting couch! Hey Melissa, whatever happened to Personal Responsibility out your way? Because if conservative women can’t dress the part, isn’t that actually THEIR fault? And how about that great role model, the Coultergeist, who’s been dressing like a streetwalker since the Iron Age? She’d bite your head off for even suggesting that she’s a feminist! But hey, thanks for schooling ‘em. Next year we’ll see if anyone took your advice and shows up in a burqa, like the really conservative women do on the other side of the world.

15. Timothy Fucking Dolan. Since when is it “anti-religious” to give women the right to affordable birth control? Oh, since old men in skirts decided to stop minding their own damn business, and start getting all up in ours. Even if we’re not fucking Catholic.

16. Dave Fucking Mustaine. Need a metal band to boycott? I suggest Megadeth. It’s covered in — ewwwwwwww! — SANTORUM. PS: He now denies endorsing Icky Ricky. But since he still wants a Repug in the White House, he’s STILL a wanker.

17. Penny Fucking Nance. Christ, what is it with all these big-haired self-righteous pearl-clutchers who hate birth control (for other women, the riffraff!) and tell lies about Planned Parenthood, even going so far as to call them a mafia, while acting downright Camorra-like themselves? They all look alike, they all talk alike, they all think alike, and they all have the same bogus persecution complex. Waaaaaaaa, we can’t hold the whole world hostage through its collective uterus! Help! Help! We’re being oppressed! What’s really pathetic is that she, like the she-mafiosi of the Komen Foundation, ought to know that whatever she does to restrict other women’s choices is going to come back to bite her in the end. Does she not have daughters? Or is she just so fucking delusional as to think that this is not going to affect them in any way? We all know, or should, that abstinence-only is an Epic Fail, and that pregnancy and disease rates have gone up wherever it was taught. Why is that message so slow to sink in? Is it all that big hair and hairspray getting in the way, maybe? Forget “the higher the hair, the closer to God”; the truth is, Jesus just really fucking hates liars.

18. Tom Fucking Lukiwski. Heaven forfend that our media report accurately on all the goings-on in Parliament, where absenteeism is especially common among our beloved fucking SupposiTories on Fridays. What? They work so hard to dismantle our rights and freedoms, shouldn’t they get an early jump on the weekend? What is this, a democracy? Sheesh.

19. Matt Fucking Rosoff. Dude, if you think online privacy is overrated and that “normal” people have nothing to worry about, YOU try being the victim of cyberstalking and death threats. And, newsflash: They happen to ordinary, non-threatening people too. I should know, they’ve happened to me. More than once.

20. Foster Fucking Friess. Boy, that just trips off the tongue, doesn’t it? Y’know, old geezer, people would be a LOT less “preoccupied with sex” if puritanical old farts like you would quit obsessing about it, quit blatting about how evil and sinful it all is, and learn to mind their own fucking business. Keep your zipper up, and your mouth closed, and don’t tell me what to do with aspirin. Shove it up your own ass if you’re so preoccupied with sex, already.

21. Fred Fucking Phelps. And speaking of people who need an aspirin — or SOMETHING — up the ass, how about him? Picketing Whitney Houston’s funeral just because some gay guys like her music? Someone needs to bugger him to the tune of “The Greatest Love of All”, but I don’t know anyone who’d make that sacrifice. Ol’ Fred has pretty much torpedoed his chances of finding any love, anywhere, EVER.

22. Victoria Fucking Jackson. How brainless is she? Well, she tried to explain same-sex marriage…TO A GAY MAN. Just take a wild guess at how good a job she did. Oh, and she pulls that “with us or you’re a dirty commie snake” thing, too. This must be the week for it; I’ve heard that shit everywhere.

23. Michael Fucking Berry. Riddle me this: What is an ostensibly straight, married, professionally homophobic junior-grade Rush Limbaugh wannabe doing in a gay bar known for its drag shows? Answer: Having one too many and banging into the bouncer’s car on his way back home to the wifey. What else?

24. Frank Fucking VanderSloot. I wonder if he’s any relation to that Joran creep who thought he could get away with murder — twice. Because the unmitigated fucking chutzpah certainly seems to be the same.

25. Stephen Fucking Harper. Way to go, douchebag, you just singlehandedly revived Québec separatism. Hope your Harper Government™ is worth it to you, because the rest of Canada hates your fucking guts for every single thing you did to us this week. Especially the women. You know, that 51% minority, that left-wing fringe special interest group? The ones you would rather see killed by “law-abiding” gun owners? Yeah, that one. We loathe and despise you, Stevie, and all the kittens and sweater-vests in the world won’t make YOU human to us.

26. Jeanine Fucking Notter. Harpo hates the women, but don’t worry, this wankerette is thinking about Teh Poor Oppwessed Menz! She actually believes that men can get cancer from a Pill that only women take. Never mind that said Pill actually PREVENTS cancer…IN WOMEN. But hey, let’s not be too hard on this dumbass, because how is she to know the real health effects of the Pill? She’s never had anyone to take it for. No one in his right mind would sleep with someone so fucking dim.

27. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And while we’re on the subject of People Too Fucking Stupid For Any Self-Respecting Person To Sleep With, how about that Pigman? Boy, he really outdid himself for ignorance this time. Now we know that he’s never had sex with an actual adult woman, because if he did, he might be better acquainted with the actual workings of Planned Parenthood, and its clientele, who are most certainly NOT children between the ages of 10 and 12. This begs the question, then, of why he took along a bottle of Viagra on a sex tour in one of those countries with an infamous reputation for child prostitution. And why none of his “wives” (note the quotes) have stuck around for longer than ten god-awful years.

28. Christian Fucking Wulff. Finally, after MONTHS of scandal, he resigns as president of Germany. Took him long enough, verdammt noch mal.

29. James Fucking Poulos. If he seriously thinks all women are good for is baby-making (and he is hardly the only man ever to say that, or in so many drivelling words), then here is what I KNOW all conservative men are good for: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. And when I see all the shit that comes spilling out of their heads, I am only further confirmed in the matter. Not a single one of them has ever accomplished anything meaningful or worthwhile. And their ladies’ auxiliary just makes me melancholy, the way they all stand around twiddling their thumbs, sniping at feminists, and saying “God TOLD us to stand by our menfolks!” Not one of them has ever changed this world for the better. It is the progressives — male AND female — who have made all the real, GOOD difference in this world. And there is not one thing that useless right-wing eaters like this one can do to change that, unless it is to give up conservatism and learn to face reality without all that shit on their glasses.

30. Paul Fucking Babeu. What better way to look butch and keep your gayness in the closet than to threaten your Mexican ex-boyfriend with deportation? Only — oopsie! — that secret is now out. And going over just like a load of solid shit bricks in Aryan-fucking-zona.

And finally, to all the fucking SupposiTories in Parliament, who had the unmitigated gall and rotten taste to celebrate the death of the long-gun registry, a registry established in response to a REAL majority vote by Canadians (which they, of course, have NOT got, no matter how much they delude themselves. Less than 40% of the popular vote is what Hitler got at HIS height of popularity, too.) Feeling smug, motherfuckers? Guzzle your fucking shooters at public expense, you stinking hypocritical tax-dollar-wasting drunks; yes, rub our noses in your so-called “majority”, as if we didn’t know the truth. Prepare for legal fights next, because this ain’t over by a long shot. And yes, that was a pun. And it’s gonna be funny only at YOUR expense, because you’ve just torpedoed your existence as a party with this objectively pro-crime move. You just don’t know it yet. But REAL Canadians do, because the majority of us are not with you, and never have been. The victims of gun crime see this as a betrayal and you as filthy, pandering traitors, because you’ve just aided and abetted their tormenters. So go ahead, get plastered and wear your shit-eating grins for as long as you can. It won’t be long. And when the inevitable hangover comes, I’m gonna be there with a bullhorn to rub your fucking noses in it. I may even drink a small toast on the day of your defeat, ha ha.

Good night, and get FUCKED!

Here’s the gist of what he said. Accept no lamestream substitutes. And remember that word majunche (it means “little wimp”, more or less), you’re gonna be hearing it a lot between now and October 7!

Mmmmmm, penis cupcakes and vagina macaroons! Yummy!

Jezebel calls this “the most hilariously lewd thing you’ll ever see”, and they’re not far from the truth. This hysterical video inadvertently gives away the makers’ own creepy fetishes. Calling Planned Parenthood a pusher of sex-as-drugs-to-children, and then offering up graphic evidence of the “paraphernalia” while claiming that PPFA is sex-obsessed?

BTW, the “children” for whose consumption that stuff is are college-aged, meaning they’re legally adults, and therefore, old enough to consent, or at least make up their own minds about what they’re about to, um, CONSUME. Which means that the Junior Anti-Sex League of the United States of Amnesia really needs to un-bunch its collective panties a bit. I took a safer-sex workshop at university myself, but it did not lead to instant promiscuity, nor did it turn me into an insatiable sex addict. I did go home with a handful of condoms and some reassuring ideas on how to make sex fun, and they stood me in good stead during my first serious relationship…much later. I hear that’s not an uncommon thing for young adults partaking of sex-ed activities on university campuses.

But the Junior Anti-Sex League aren’t the only ones with wadded underwear giving them a perma-wedgie this week. The Concern-Trolling Women for Amnesia were also out in force, calling Planned Parenthood a mafia today:

It’s not a stretch to say that Planned Parenthood’s tactics to force the Susan G. Komen Foundation to restore their funding were no less than a Mafia-style shakedown of a charity whose only purpose is to help prevent and treat breast cancer.

So much bullshit in just one paragraph, and so little time. The Komen Foundation’s purpose goes way beyond prevention and treatment of breast cancer. In fact, I’d say that was not its purpose at all. Its real purpose, it seems, is to funnel vast amounts of well-meaning people’s money into profitable corporate coffers, and to pinkwash carcinogenic polluters. And, oh yeah, to shake lots of money from cancer survivors, their family and friends into Nancy Brinker’s, Karen Handel’s, and who knows who else’s very right-wing, not terribly pro-woman pockets. (Next thing you know, we’ll be hearing the old “abortion causes breast cancer” lie that’s been long debunked.)

BTW, that was good for a spot on my weekly wankapedia, too. Look for it Saturday night.

Would sure be funny if both these crapaganda groups got slapped with a libel lawsuit, eh?

There is so much wrong with this ad. What kind of man is so sexually out of control that he puts his partner in a neck brace and leaves her barely able to walk? (And then sends her to the store in her underwear for more plaster, to fill up the hole he made in the wall using her head. How thoughtful!)

Answer: A vegan? Those sensitive, cruelty-free souls? Suddenly he can “bring it like a tantric porn star” and “knock the bottom out of” her?

Man, what a load of holy-cow bullshit.

Let’s start with the ludicrous sexual claim. Anyone who knows even a little bit about tantra knows (or SHOULD know) that porn-star sex is the very kind you don’t want to have, and don’t GET to have, if you’re a serious practitioner. Tantra isn’t about “knocking the bottom out of” anyone. It’s about remaining in complete, mindful, conscious control of yourself at all times, including THAT one. Even orgasm is meditative for a true tantrika. You don’t forget yourself, and you certainly don’t forget the other person’s well-being! Thrashing so hard that you put your partner’s neck out is unheard of in any form of Tantrism.

And then there’s the dubious claim that eating only vegan chow will do that much for a person’s health. No, it won’t. Just because you eat like a rabbit doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly have the stamina to hump like a bunny. Actually, and this is a dirty little secret PETA won’t let you in on, the vegan diet can be very depleting, especially for women. And now, research has found that a too-strict vegetarian diet can be bad for your arteries and heart. Not good if you want to have amazing sex, or be a rabble-rousing feminist revolutionary!

And it wouldn’t be the first or only time PETA (which is currently headed by a woman, ironically) has resorted to misogyny and false advertising to get its poorly-taken points across, either. Its anti-fur campaigns are so dependent on female nudity that they even insist that we take a scorched-earth policy to our own pubic bushes. (Ouch! PETA, you are fucking sadists.) It’s also carved Pamela Anderson’s silicone-enriched body up like a side of beef, and it’s promised a figure that the TSA scanner-jocks will want to ogle:

Somehow, going vegan will also make your underwear impervious to “naked scan” radiation. Who knew?

PETA claims these silly shock tactics are necessary to get the truth across and make humanity better through veganism. But it’s all bullshit. There are fat vegans (vegan junk food is still junk food just the same), and there are unhealthy vegans (shocking, but true). And as PETA’s own brutal tactics make clear, there are certainly nasty vegans!

Veganism hasn’t saved any animals, nor has it made humanity more humane. And if it can’t make you healthier or nicer to your partner, veganism sure as hell won’t make you sexier.

I think I’ll go on drinking milk, eating meat, fish, and eggs, and wearing leather and fur, thankyouverymuch. And I’ll stick with guys who are okay with my doing just that, and even do it themselves.

After all, I don’t want to end up in a neck brace thanks to my partner’s newfound sanctimony.