Crappy weekend, everyone! I dunno about you, but I’m feeling awfully dumb and unstable lately. Kidding! I’m just doing what comes naturally to SOMEone who shall (at least for now) go unnamed…namely, lying my ass off. Yes, it’s been one of THOSE weeks, folks. And here’s who made it all worthwhile — coughcoughHELL!coughwheeze — in no particular order:
1. Scott Fucking DesJarlais. Can you believe this guy? Says he thinks God forgives him for having all those adulterous affairs and pressuring the mistresses to abort. God is just rolling Her eyes at you, son.
2. Stephen Fucking Miller. On the other hand, at least this one is consistent. He’s been a far-right, white-power wanker since middle school. It would be almost touching, if it weren’t so goddamn loathsome.
3. Paul Fucking Pelosi, Jr. Hey Nancy, could you tell your kid not to hang out with Donnie Dumbfuck and his thuggy gang? It doesn’t look good. Kthxbai.
4. Joe Fucking Walsh. Dear Deadbeat Dad of the Year: If there were no cons or Drumpf supporters at the Golden Globes, it’s not because Hollywood isn’t “diverse” enough to suit your sheet-wearing tastes. It’s because you dumb fuckheads have no talent for anything except whining.
5. Viktor Fucking Orban. Meanwhile, in Hungary, that ol’ racist goulash just keeps on bubbling away. You would think that somebody could tell the difference between a stream of desperate refugees and an actual, organized invasion, but it’s sure not their premier. He’s more than happy to lump all that together in one unholy pot.
6. Michael David Fucking Lang. Is anyone else sick to death of these phony “family values” ‘wingers who have a buttload of skeletons hanging out in their closet? Oh good, so it’s not just me, then. Anyhow, this conservative nogoodnik is your friendly family meth dealer. You know, in case you want that pockmarked tweaker look to go with your stinkin’ hypocrisy?
7. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. And back to the racist goulash from Hungary! Yes, Wile E. Pickle made the cut again this week. And this time, our suuuuuper-genius is trying out his new Acme Insult-o-pult on Michael Wolff, the “oleaginous scribe” (Acme’s, er, HIS own words, or rather projections) who did such a fabtabulous number on Donnie’s hot mess of a White House. Needless to say, the shit-flinging device seems to have developed a backfiring problem. Back to the drawing board you go, Wile E.!
8. Chris Fucking Christie. He swears that if it hadn’t been for Donnie, HE would be POTUS right now? Uh, dude…you seem to forget that you actually have to win not just the primaries, but an actual ELECTION to get there. And I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t even be governor of Noo Joizey right now if the locals had their druthers.
9. Steve Fucking Alford. Meanwhile, in Kansas, Jim Crow just reared his ugly head and squawked something about black people, pot, and some totally unscientific Reefer Madness shit that I take it was meant to justify racism, but really just makes him look totally fucking racist, about a hundred years behind the times, and stupid as fuck to boot.
10. Rand Fucking Paul. Sorry, NOT sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time recovering from the nasty-wasty beatdown your neighbor laid on you last year. Just imagine if you had to do it the actual libertarian way, with no health insurance and no help whatsoever, as you would have it if you had your way. You’re upset because no one was concerned about you? Welcome to libertarianism, fuckface!
11. Frank Fucking Amedia. Nice to see that ol’ church/state separation wall is doing its job and keeping the Religious Reich’s tentacles out of the White House. Kidding! Keep your eyes on the dominionist scumbags, folks, they’re sliding in all over the place. And if you see a weird look on Mikey Fucking Pence’s face, you can be sure that one of them is up his bunghole right at that moment, massaging his prostate.
12. James Fucking Franco. Did Ally Sheedy just throw tea, shade, and unsweetened lemonade at his insufferably smirky, statutory-rapey face? Yup, she sure did. And I, for one, LOVE her for it. Because he’s a well-known douchenozzle, and it’s about time someone wiped the lube off of him. PS: And Stephen Colbert has roasted him also. Ha, ha.
13. Steve Fucking Bannon. He’s up! He’s down! He’s spilling the beans one minute, and cringingly contrite the next! And since his career in politics is washed up, and his other career in journalism is on the verge of going the same way, maybe it’s time he went back to being a Hollywood schlock writer. He could get a whole soap opera out of his own, er, EXPERIENCES alone!
14. Andy Fucking Savage. Meanwhile, back in the Religious Reich (see what I did there?), we have this guy…who molested a teenager in true Roy Fucking Moore fashion right before giving a “True Love Waits” speech about the virtues of total abstinence. Funny how often we get these purity-culture types who just can’t resist the urge to defile, eh? And then he has the nerve to go pointing fingers at Matt Fucking Lauer, who at least confined his depredations (so far as we know) to other adults, albeit unconsenting ones? Yeah, that puts this one right into Whited Sepulchre territory. PS: Don’t fucking applaud…throw the bum out!
15. Jerry Fucking Seinfeld. I fail to see what’s so entertaining about Israeli apartheid. But apparently, HE doesn’t.
16. Greg Fucking Conte. Once more, with feeling, everybody sing! If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (stomp stomp) If you’re spotted in the mob, and you lose your fuckin’ job, if you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap, stomp stomp, YEE-HAW!)
17. Paula Fucking White. I almost spelled her surname Shite, which I’m sure is not just a Freudian slip. Because her racket, in short, goes like this: Send me all your money, or I’ll sic God on your like an attack dog! See what I mean by Shite? And just think, folks, Donnie calls her his “spiritual advisor”. If you ever needed more proof that he and his party worship not God but Mammon, now you have it. PS: God says She’s not short of cash, thankyouverymuch.
18. Monika Fucking Schaefer. Meanwhile, in Alberta, a Holocaust-denial bus has just lost its wheels. Ha, ha.
19. Eliot Fucking Spitzer. Nice to know he’s still thinking with only one of his two heads, and it’s still not the larger one. Eh?
20. Yair Fucking Netanyahu. He’s joyriding on the Israeli taxpayers’ dime, getting nasty on strippers and waitresses, and urinating all over his former girlfriend. Looks like Bibi’s kid is a spoiled, nasty chip off the ol’ block of Likudnik Family Values™. Oh, and he spilled the beans on how Daddy advanced a frankly self-serving, cronyist bill in the Knesset, too. How embarrassing, especially since it comes right on the heels of this! Ha, ha.
21. Charlie Fucking Daniels. The Devil went down to Taco Bell, he was looking for a soul to steal…nah. Just doesn’t have the right ring, does it?
22. Alex Fucking Jones. If you thought his antisemitic flip-out over Brian Stelter last week was wild, wait till you hear what he thinks of Oprah! And did you know there were black Nazis in the US during World War II? (Spoiler: There totally weren’t, and black people, not being stupid, could see the parallels between their own plight and that of the Jews of Europe pretty damn clearly, to the point where they protested having to fight against fascism in segregated military units. But hey, that’s Alex for ya…fact-free, as ever!)
23. Chris Fucking Stirewalt. Fact-checking is “not a reliable journalistic practice”? Au contraire, mon frère…it totally IS! And it used to be standard practice, too, until the death of the Fairness Doctrine, which catastrophe just so happens to have enabled your fucking “news” channel.
24. Pete Fucking Hoekstra. Yup, he beclowned himself yet AGAIN. Hoe beschamend!
25. Lynne Fucking Beyak. Yup, she beclowned herself yet again, too. With Freeze Peach, Political Correctness, and every other lame excuse in the book! But hey, let’s at least give her credit for getting just one tiny thing right: Andrew Fucking Scheer IS an inexperienced leader. (Not that her own experiences at “leadership” would make her any better, mind you.) PS: Oh, BURN! Ha, ha.
26. Jerome Fucking Puyau. Oh, so you hate seeing teachers get arrested for questioning you? Well, so does everyone else. And fortunately, there’s a very simple solution to that problem: Don’t give yourself a $30,000+ raise; give it to the teachers instead! Oh, and don’t call the cops on teachers. How hard is that?
27. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Yup, Donnie just so happened to “discover” that it’s impossible to physically wall off the entire Mexican border region. All by himself, of course. A veritable Columbus, that man is!
28. Eric Fucking Greitens. Like Donnie, like Drumpfites? Yup, this douchebag sure fits the profile of a Donnie supporter. Right down to the sleazy extramarital affair, and the even sleazier blackmail attempt that followed. What a pity it didn’t work, and now he looks even worse than he would have if he’d just left her alone! And that’s another thing about him that totally fits the profile of a Drumpfite: It’s Teh Stoopid, stupid!
29. Neal Fucking Tapio. Don’t like being called a racist? Great! Then don’t be a racist, and you won’t get called one. See how easy that is?
30. Megyn Fucking Kelly. If fat-shaming worked so well for her, will stupid-shaming also work? Or asshole-shaming? Just curious.
And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf himself. Yes, he really outdid himself this week, folks. And there are witnesses: Dick Durbin, among others. When even the UN says you’re a racist, and there’s a running tally of racist shit you’ve said, what does that make you? Not a stable genius. Nope. Quite the opposite. It makes you a fucking idiot. And a racist…and one big fat orange fucking SHITHOLE. And really: Imagine him saying all that horrible shit about Haiti, of all places. What would his money-laundering buddy, Baby Doc Duvalier, say? I don’t know about him, but I know what I’m saying…
Good night, and get fucked, Donnie!