Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, I wasn’t really planning on doing a wankapedia this week, what with surgery on Wednesday and all (if you’re reading this right now, it means I got through it fine, thanks). But here I am, because the wankers don’t quit wanking, and as long as they’re at it…I’m on it. And this week it was, in no particular order:
1. Nigel Fucking Farage. He may have stood down as UKIP party Dear Leader, but not before the damage was done. Can you believe this guy? He’s not even following the Pottery Barn Rule. He broke it, but he didn’t buy it, because why own your everlasting shame? But that shame’s still gonna follow him around wherever he goes, so sorry, not sorry, Nigel. You’re a motherfucker till the end of time, and you know it. PS: Ha, ha.
2. Kim Fucking Davis. Hey! Remember her? She’s hoping you don’t. But the Internets never forget. Ha, ha.
3. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Why?
That’s why. Fat-shaming at a gym? Sure, that’ll really make those pounds melt off that unnamed person in the background. Maybe someone should shame Yeah-Nope for that ugly, strawy hair of his. With any luck, it might even fall out by itself!
4. Robin Fucking Camp. It’s gonna take a lot more than just counselling to get rid of Hizzoner’s ugly sexism problem. And in the meantime, there’s no shortage of qualified candidates for the bench he’s vacated. Shove off, judge!
5. Jennifer Fucking Mayers, again. No, of course she’s not racist. You’re the racist one for pointing it out, you evil meanies! She really LOVES black people. Never mind all that talk about how the “races” shouldn’t mix. And by all means, ignore her endorsement of murder. See how easy it is to be a True Bible-Believin’ Christian™? PS: UGH.
6. Anthony Fucking Rebello. He’s the one and only, very lonely, attendee of a “Heterosexual Pride” rally in Seattle. And of course, he felt compelled to apologize IF he offended anyone. Idiocy and conditional nopology: two shitty tastes that taste even shittier together!
7. Robert-Falcon Fucking Ouellette. He spent the better part of an hour arguing FOR a guaranteed basic income, and then ended up voting against it. Flipflops: worst footwear of the summer, and in Parliament, too!
8. Bill Fucking Cosby. No, you don’t get your hush money back. Your “agreement” is null and void, since it was struck in order to conceal a crime. Don’t like it? Too bad. You don’t get to buy your way out of prosecution!
9. Kevin Fucking O’Leary. There once was a turd in Nantucket…and it was him, celebrating the Fourth of July and completely forgetting Canada Day. Tell me again why you want to be the next SupposiTory prime minister of Canada, Kevvy.
10. Don Fucking Christy. Just what every Fourth of July parade needs…a racist in a straw wig, masquerading as a “patriot”, driving a tasteless racist golf-kart with bullshit all over the back of it in the name of racism — oh sorry, “political incorrectness” and “freedom”. ‘Murica!
11. Louise Fucking Linton. Wow. I never knew there were Hutus and Tutsis in the Congo, much less in Zambia. I thought they were in Rwanda. Silly me! I’ve never had the privilege of a “gap year” anywhere, much less in Africa, so I guess all that geography I learned at school and all those news reports from over 20 years ago must have been a complete lie, eh? Gosh, imagine what actual Zambians must think to have learned all that about themselves! PS: Ha, ha.
12. Ted Fucking Busiek. If you thought all the dumbest Drumpf supporters came from the Deep South, you’re wrong. This one’s a Masshole. But hey! Now that we know where he stands, we don’t have to work very hard to explain how he torpedoed his own chances of ever being elected.
14. Pauline Fucking Hanson. Welcome to One Nation’s Australia! Come for the racism, stay for the antivaxxer fuckassery! Plenty of hardcore stoooopid to go ‘round, Down Under!
15. Jason Fucking Kenney. Meanwhile, here in the Great not-so-white North, Closet Boy has poked his head out the door of his armoire just long enough to squawk something about COMMUNISM! And BOHEMIANS! Jason, please come out of there. And get out more, wouldja? Your fashion sense sucks, so you have no right to criticize what anyone else wears. PS: Ha, ha!
16. Esther Fucking Levy. Oh, you got kicked out of a Mexican restaurant for being a Drumpfite boor in an ugly hat and a flag-desecrating shirt? Gee, that must be rough.
17. Charles Fucking Chaput. Oh, remarried couples can now rejoin in Catholic communion, but only if they live “as brother and sister”? That’s awfully generous of you. But somehow, I don’t think that’s what His Holiness meant when he said “be more accepting”, Your Archbishopness.
18. Andy Fucking Smarick. Why?
That’s why. No, dude, the singular they is not an affront to grammar. Shakespeare and Jane Austen both used it. You know what IS an affront? Your pompous ignorance, that’s what!
19. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. No, dear, your dad is NOT a feminist. He is everything feminists are working hard to dismantle in this world. And, FFS — he has even humiliated YOU sexually, in front of a live TV audience. Doesn’t that count for anything?
20. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Meanwhile, another of Der Drumpf’s idiot spawn is proposing his sister, Wanker #19, as Daddy-O’s prospective running mate. On what grounds? Looks alone. The gross jokes just write themselves, don’t they?
22. Virginia Fucking Ludy. So, “equal treatment” of disabled people means making them pay an unaffordable full price for CNE admission? Honey, if you’re such a great believer in THAT brand of equality, then try living on a salary equal to what the average disabled person’s income adds up to, and see how far it gets YOU.
23. Kimberly Fucking Brinton. Dumbass, that NO SMOKING sign on the gas pumps is there for a reason. And the reason is so that idiots like you don’t set yourselves and everyone else around them on fire, not so that you get mad and start dousing someone who points it out to you with gas and then trying to set them on fire!
24. Johnny Fucking Oleksinski. No, dude, your generation doesn’t suck. You do, but it has nothing to do with the timespan in which you were born. It might, however, have to do with the fact that you write for a right-wing rag, and have also gone on a right-wing TV channel to rag all over your generation, which is facing crippling debt levels AND the lowest take-home pay since the slave era. Last thing they need is you sucking up to the “Me Generation”, who are not your friends. And if you doubt me, ask any other Gen Xer.
25. Alisyn Fucking Camerota. Victim-blame much, white lady from the Chicken Noodle Network? Would you be asking about the criminal records of a white guy shot dead for no reason by cops? No, of course you wouldn’t…and that probably because precious few white guys get shot dead for no reason by cops. Or even get shot dead with good reason by cops.
26. Matt Fucking Forney. A black man is killed by cops for no reason. His girlfriend catches it all on camera. Matty’s theory? This graphic and very real murder was “staged” by Black Lives Matter “as part of their mission to slander whites”. As though racist white cops needed any help in looking terrible. Or, indeed, any racist white person…like, oh, say, Matty himself, who is one ugly mofo.
27. Pat Fucking Buchanan. “White America has begun to die”? Well, speaking as a white Canadian who is sick of living next to that shit, all I can say is GOOD. And why oh why the hell is this fucking fossil not dead yet?
28. Joe Fucking Walsh. Holy crap bubbles, looks like the racist is out of the bag. “Real America”? That, too, is a concept that can go die in a fire, for all I care. His idea of reality is one that I don’t want to live next to. If open threats to a black president are the new normal, FUCK THAT NOISE. Watch out yourself, racist congresscritter — the voters are coming for your ass.
29. Michael Fucking Elsbury. Black lives don’t matter, but “blue” ones do? When they start talking about “pulling a Ferguson”, i.e. killing innocent people just for being black and wearing saggy pants, “blue lives” don’t matter to me anymore, either.
30. Michael Fucking Strickland. Oh look, another ground-stander standing his ground against people who weren’t actually threatening him. Unless by “threatening”, you mean to say “trying to talk a deranged Drumpfite gun nut and chronic Internet harassotron down”.
And finally, to all the right-wing shitbirds trying to take advantage of the Dallas sniper shootings to try to smear Black Lives Matter, or any other antiracist group. Special dishonorable mention to all the ones who use “cuck” unironically on Twitter, and make reference to The Turner Diaries. Instead of a “day of the rope”, how about a nice little Night of the Long Knives, strictly amongst yourselves? That would clean up the gene pool considerably.
Good night, and get fucked!
So, a gay (and rather white) police officer wrote an open letter today, complaining of his exclusion (as a cop, not as a gay man) from Toronto Pride, based on Black Lives Matter TO’s leadership role in the Pride weekend parade.
Well, it’s only fair to remind you all of who’s being challenged for trying to hitch their float to the increasingly popular (and tourist-dollar-attracting) events of Pride Week. So, here’s a sampling of what’s being excluded:
That was six years ago almost to the day.
And, lest we forget, this is the same Toronto police force that also offered a very lame “regret” (not apology, not a concrete plan for how to do better, but just “regret”) for their raids on gay bathhouses and nightclubs in the city 35 years ago. Something that BLM-TO very perceptively chose to remind them of, even though the message wasn’t well-received.
Pride hasn’t always been a commercial event. It started out political, and political it should remain, as long as human rights are being trampled…and that goes double when the authorities, whose job it should be to stop hate crimes, not perpetrate them, are the ones doing the trampling. BLM-TO aren’t being “disrespectful” in the slightest. They’re taking the event back to its militant roots, reminding us all that people are still being gay-bashed on a frequent basis, and still being killed for being queer. Sometimes, the bashers are in uniform. There’s no sense pretending that they are race-blind or impartial to sexual and gender orientation, either. Police brutality is very much a fact of life in Toronto. And you don’t have to look far into the past to find it.
Cops, if you want to be included in Pride for real and without pesky demands from the likes of BLM-TO, you’d better start paying something besides lip service to LGBT+ and non-white people. Like, for instance, attention and respect to their wishes for you to stop fucking harassing them, just for starters.
And, incidentally, no one’s excluding LGBT+ cops for being cops, as the BLM organizers have also pointed out. They’re still welcome to participate; they’re just being asked to lay off the show of force. And, given what queerfolks and black and indigenous folks in Toronto have had to put up with at the hands of police, that’s NOT an outrageous demand.
Take a long holiday:
In memory of Jim Morrison, who died 45 years ago today. Or, as I prefer to think it, he became immortal.
Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Canada Day to all my fellow Canucks. Well. How about that Brexit? Looks like the United Kingdom is no longer so united. Scotland wants out of the UK and into the EU, and Northern Ireland is looking to reunite with the rest of Ireland. No word yet on what Wales and Cornwall are going to do, but if they’re smart, they’ll join the rest of the Kelts in un-joining. The UK could soon be the FUK — Formerly United Kingdom. And that bit of fuckery (or should I say fukkery?) will be all the fault of some major, MAJOR wankers…some of whom just HAD to appear here:
1. Nigel Fucking Farage. While the rest of this list is in no particular order, I still felt he should be awarded the first-cracker-out-of-the-box spot. Why? Because he’s a fucking flip-flopping wankmuppet, why else? PS: And oh yeah, he’s also a gloating shitmaggot who forgets that a politician died on the eve of his pyrrhic victory. And was murdered by one of his more extreme supporters. PS: Blowback’s a bitch, innit? Hahahahahah.
2. Jan Fucking Brewer. Oh boo fucking hooooooo, she doesn’t like being called a bigot. Well, tough shit, Jan. If you support Drumpf, you ARE a bigot. The moron has no supporters who are not bigots anyway, and neither do you. Wear that shoe, and don’t complain about the pinching…it fits you to a T.
3. Jason Fucking Kenney. Why?
That’s why. Does his right hand even know what his left hand is doing, or does he just wank ambidextrously? PS: Give it up, Jason, the dog-whistling won’t work. Alberta can whine and stomp and pout all it likes (and so can you), but it doesn’t have a ball to take and go home with anymore (and neither do you). PPS: And when you’re so toxic that other Alberta Tories are threatening to quit because of you, you really have no balls at all.
4. Joe Fucking Walsh. Racism elected a black president? Will wonders never cease! I always thought racism’s whole purpose was to keep white people (and more specifically, cis-het white males) on top of everyfuckingthing, whether they had any business being there or not.
5. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. No, Der Drumpf is NOT an expert on Britain in any way, shape or form. Remember how they trounced him on the tweeter? PS: Oh FUCK no. Get this bastard off the air, already! PPS: That giant whistling noise you hear is…oh gawd…INCOMING!!!
7. Ainsley Fucking Earhardt. No, stupid, you CAN’T relate to surviving a Nazi concentration camp. For that matter, you can’t relate to making all kinds of shifts to get through the Great Depression. You’re a FUX Snooze bimbo, and you’ve never done a hard thing in your life. Change your surname to Airhead, it suits you better.
8. Clarence Fucking Thomas. So. Are any of us missing Vaffanculo Scalia yet? No? Good. Because his long-silent butler has valiantly decided to step in for him and offer the most inane defence of the indefensible in the history of ever. Luckily for the domestically abused (read: WOMEN), the majority opinion was that no, their abusers (read: MEN) should NOT get easier access to the weapons to murder them with.
9. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Fact-checking is “elitist” and “out of touch”? Well, now we need no longer wonder why journalism is in the deep shit that it’s in. Apparently media moguls agree, and those out-of-touch elitists are cutting fact-checkers in the name of saving cash on salaries, and making it on advertising crapaganda!
10. Bill Fucking Donohue. Makes career out of attacking gays. Told to apologize for it by no less than the Pope himself. Tells Pope to go fuck himself. Claims he’s being attacked by gays. Wants an apology from them because they dared to insist on being treated as the equals of heterosexuals. Jesus facepalms.
11. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Remember how, earlier this week, I told you about a bunch of Drumpf-bots who interpreted a bunch of chickenshit Nazis getting their asses whupped as a sign of “victory” for the Nazis in a “race war” that’s not actually happening, simply because those brave, brave Free Speech Warriors™ brought knives and stabbed the antifascists who drove them out of Sacramento? Well, here’s another of those disociados. There will be more, and they will all suffer the same ignominious fate, so let’s all point and laugh, shall we?
12. Donald Fucking Drumpf. He spoke in front of a huge pile of garbage. For once, he was truly in his element. Now, for the real question: Does anyone have a match??? PS: And yes, he really is trash. PPS: And his math skills are garbage, too.
13. William Fucking Strong. When in New Mexico, don’t be dissing the Mexicans, “legal” or otherwise. Or the women. Or the indigenous folks. Or…well, anyone. Anywhere. EVER. In short: Stop being such a spoiled whiny-ass dick and learn to get along with others, you bumptious old fart.
14. Samuel Fucking Alito. He wants theocratic pharmacy owners to have more control over women’s bodies than women themselves do? Good thing he’s outnumbered by smarter heads on the SCOTUS. Just a pity he and #8 are still on it. Time they both retired…or God steps in to remove them, I don’t really care which.
15. Dan Fucking Hannan. Denial ain’t no river in England, Cleo. When there’s a 57% uptick in xenophobic and racist incidents since your referendum, it’s time to own your shit.
16. Rick Fucking Tyler. Hey! Remember this guy? Last week he got boycotted because he put up a Drumpf-supporting billboard reading “Make America White Again”. This week, he’s all butthurt about the boycott. Someone please remind him that freedom of speech means freedom of others to criticize your speech, and also to ostracize YOU, because he has yet to get the message. Now get your stupid ass off that cross. You’re no martyr, and we need the lumber and the hardware for better things.
17. Tomi Fucking Lahren. In case you haven’t noticed, the BET awards are not the Oscars. She hasn’t noticed. Must be all that hair bleach, slowly eating its way down through her obsessively touched-up roots to her brain. PS: Where is this “free pass” that non-white people supposedly get? I’ve never seen one flash it. Have you?
18. Kevin Fucking Sorbo. Dude, when have you (or any other white man) ever been criminally profiled just for being white? Sit down. And shut up.
19. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Does someone have daddy issues? I think someone has daddy issues. Girl, stop projecting them onto others. It’s embarrassing and undignified…not to mention way, way WRONG. Just admit that YOU are the one who wants to be “daddied”, and have done with it, already.
20. Jeff Fucking Guice. Uh, jackass? If that woman had enough money that she earned, would she be turning to YOU for help with her diabetic daughter’s medical needs? You weren’t just elected so you could sit around doing nothing but suck on the public tit, you know. Get off your ass and HELP her. And if you can’t do that — RESIGN.
21. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Well, one can’t accuse Der Drumpf of not getting his money’s worth out of HER. That much hardcore stoooooopid is priceless!
22. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. All this time, I’ve been wondering how to scare him and his odious followers off, since he’s a rapey, basement-dwelling fungal creep whom no woman could desire. Turns out that simply loathing Der Drumpf will do it! Ladies, now you too can get the gross dudes off your butt…by simply being your intelligent selves and making it known that you can’t stand Drumpf! Dooooo eeeeeeeeet!
23. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Anyone who proposes waterboarding as a solution in ANY context should be automatically subjected to it themselves, so they get firsthand knowledge of why that’s a bad idea. Case in point: Der Drumpf’s latest stupid surrogate.
24. Stacey Fucking Dash. My oh my, what have we here? Another right-wing hypocrite who spends all her time bashing other women while collecting money for doing nothing!
25. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. What better way to commemorate the one-month anniversary of the Orlando massacre…than to table a bill allowing even MORE discrimination against LGBT+ people on the basis of “deeply held religious convictions”? Well, I can think of a few…and they all involve voting out punks like this one.
26. Peter Fucking Hargreaves. How are you enjoying your pyrrhic victory, sir? First a multimillion-pound donation to the Leave campaign…and then 400 million MORE down the drain as a direct result of Brexit? I only regret that it didn’t leave you stone broke. Millions of innocent people who didn’t have that much have lost far more, and will continue to do so long after your fucking shares have recovered. But hey! At least your name is mud from here on in.
27. Steve Fucking Deace. The only argument you have is that hoary old comparison of women’s clinics to concentration camps, even though it’s well known that the Nazis were against abortion. If you can’t do better than that, you DESERVE to go on losing as you have over the years.
28. Mat Fucking Staver. What’s wrong with LGBT people and their Christian friends having “love fests”? If you’re not into love — don’t have any! And shut the fuck up about it.
29. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. Der Drumpf, a champion of women and LGBT people, when all he’s ever done is heap scorn and contempt on both? Oy. I’m with Betty Bowers on this one: There’s nothing wrong with her identifying as a woman, but dammit to hell, why can’t she identify as a SMART one?
30. Aaron Fucking Persky. Yeah, surprise: The same judge who awarded Brock Turner little more than a slap on the wrist for raping a woman behind a dumpster…gave a Latino man six times the sentence for the exact same crime! I’m sure that color and ethnicity had no bearing on that decision…AT ALL. PS: Don’t forget to sign the petition, if you haven’t already!
31. Boris Fucking Johnson. And here’s another architect of Wrexit. The British equivalent of the late Rob Fucking Ford, bless his crack-smokin’, bumblefuck, bumbaclot ass. Well, at least this one wasn’t so stupid that he couldn’t read the writing on the wall. He won’t be running for PM. But since the damage is already done, he doesn’t have to. PS: Ha, ha!
32. Theodore Fucking Beale. Just when you thought the drivelling dreck-writer otherwise known as Vox Day couldn’t get any uglier, he goes and does. Now with EXTRA racism!
33. Deepak Fucking Chopra. Canada Post just keeps getting more expensive and less convenient. That was partly his doing. What’s ENTIRELY his doing? The fact that our posties are now faced with a lockout. Is that any way to treat the people who won maternity leave for women all over Canada? Fucking Harper-leftover wanker should be fired.
34. Sarah Fucking Palin. Have I listed her yet for this week? No? Well, now I have. This might be her most wankiest wank yet.
35. Jason Fucking Alexander. So, who says crime doesn’t pay? He would have gotten 7 years for possession of videos of child sexual abuse, but instead, it’s 10 years’ “probation”. I wonder if he got it because his dad howled about all the rib-eye steaks he’d no longer be cooking, or if his mom complained that she couldn’t even decorate the house anymore.
36. Pat Fucking McCrory. Whole world boycotting your shitty state because you’re the hateful-laws capital of the US of Amnesia? Apply for disaster relief! (And good luck getting it.)
37. Jennifer Fucking Mayers. I’m not sure what part of her racist defence of murder qualifies as “positivity through Christ”, so I’m just gonna put her down as “idiots gonna idiot” instead.
39. Pam Fucking Bondi. Florida’s Attorney General, taking bribes from Der Drumpf? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you. And by SHOCKED, I mean shit, it’s Florida, where anything shitty that can happen, invariably will. Florida Man’s Law, don’tcha know?
40. Matthew Fucking Jansen. An easily-unhinged Drumpf supporter, packing a Glock to a Gooper rally against the rally’s rules? This can only end well.
And finally, to the as-yet-unnamed motherfucker who violated both Chanty Binx’s privacy AND the security system of the LCBO store where he was working when Binx stopped in to buy a bottle, as normal Canadians are wont to do on occasion. He posted security photos of her to the Internet, thus outing himself as a rabid menzer (and judging by his tattoos, as a rabid neofascist/white supremacist, too.) Karma’s a bitch, motherfucker, and when She bites, She’s gonna bite you HARD. Just sayin’.
Good night, and get fucked!
Snurk. Are these the brave “Sacramento Spartans” that all the racist tweeter-twits have been going on and on and on about? Apparently. According to Antifa International, here’s what REALLY went down:
After loudly declaring a neo-nazi “mega rally” that they claimed would attract 150+ racist scum to the California state capital, the Traditional Workers’ Party and Golden State SkinBoneheads managed to bring out maybe twenty people. Even TWP chairman Matthew Heimbac couldn’t be bothered to show up, possibly because he prefers sucker-punching black women at Trump rallies to not behaving like a total coward.
400+ antifa spent most of the afternoon running the boneheads right the fuck out of town. Unfortunately, six antifa had to receive medical treatment for stab wounds or blunt force trauma after been stabbed by bigots – none of whom were arrested despite attempting to murder people in full view of hundreds of well-armed cops. The po-po were much more concerned with getting the nazis home safe than stopping them from stabbing people. You know what they say: cops & the Klan go hand-in-hand.
The neo-Nazi/Drumpfite twitsy-tweeters are also insisting that the Antifa members were stabbed with their own knives by the oh-so-brave “Spartans” of the white supremacist gang. I find that hard to believe: Six of them, all somehow overpowered by the grossly outnumbered Nazis?
And nowhere on any antifa site that I’ve read so far was there any word of antifa demonstrators with knives, nor do any of the videos I’ve seen show them carrying any. When they attack the fascists, it’s with sticks, stones, and their own sheer numbers and lightning speed. I can only surmise that the Nazis came armed with those knives themselves, anticipating a fight. Because they’re so oppressed as white people, don’tcha know?
I find this all supremely ironic, especially this tweet by their Fearless Leader (who, as noted above, was absent that day):
Such a funny guy, that Matt. Projecting onto BLM what he and his bullyboys are actually up to themselves. You owe me an irony meter, guys, you just wrecked mine.
Well, they got their fight, all right…but if the flag-waving guy above is any indication, they came out looking worse, and not having scored any real victories even in the propaganda department, which I’m sure was the other aim of their pitiful little rally. I don’t see any rush of eager joiners inspired by the “courage” of the “Spartans”, do you?
And the boneheads sure as fuck do not look like the brave “alpha” males they’re posing as. If you have to stab unarmed people you claim are “oppressing” you, Nazi boys, you’re already losers going in. No one is fooled. You’ve just made Antifa look like the real badasses they are. And you’ve proved your own arguments completely bass-ackwards, too. If you have to murder those speaking out against you (which is free speech too, like it or not), you’re the real Nazis. Period.
PS: Antifa is raising funds to cover the medical expenses of the injured protesters. You can donate and follow their live updates here.
Next time someone says Brexit will be binding, it might be a good idea to show them this:
And please, do enjoy all the spluttering that ensues.