Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the denizens of the future Drumpfolandia. How are you liking the “transition” so far? With a team built on the basis of nepotism, racism, antisemitism, xenophobia and crapaganda, it’s sure looking dire. Don’t worry and learn to love the bomb, eh? Well, fuck that shit. And here’s all the shit that’s fit to fuck this week, in no particular order:
1. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Oh dear, it’s not going at all well for the would-be Con front-runner, is it? First, she demands that immigrants pass a “Canadian values” test, whatever the fuck THAT might entail. Then, she appropriates the rhetoric of Der Drumpf and applauds him. Now, she claims not to be a racist? Oh, and get this: She claims also to be anti-elitist…but then she holds a $500-a-plate fundraiser for herself, with members of the Bay Street elite. What diploma mill graduated her? Because she doesn’t understand the meaning of very simple terms like racism, elitism, and oh yeah, IRONY. PS: Aaaand of COURSE she’s not worried that racists support her. She’s a sickening opportunist, at best. Just look how she played this electrical fault in her own garage as a “break-in” by “leftists”! PPS: No use blaming outside “leftists”, you moron…you lost support within your own party because they don’t like racists and xenophobes!
2. Bernd Fucking Zabel. And speaking of graduated-from-a-diploma-mill: How the fuck did this moron become a lawyer, much less a judge? Because this is Canada, not Drumpfolandia North, and Drumpf hats don’t belong anywhere here…least of all in our courtrooms! PS: And BOOM. How’s it feel to be drummed out with your own gavel? Ha, ha.
3. Nigel Fucking Farage. Yeah, you just go stand grippin’ and grinnin’ with Der Drumpf in his gold-plated elevator (or is that iron pyrite all over the walls of that fugly thing? One never knows) and chortle together about how you, the elites, stuck it to “the elites” (note the quotes, there for a reason). By pretending you were both just Regular Folks. I’m sure THAT will NEVER backfire. On EITHER of you.
4 and 5. Pamela Fucking Ramsey Taylor and Beverly Fucking Whaling. Melania Fucking Drumpf is WHAT? Oh please, don’t make me dig out her god-awful modelling portfolio. There is a very good reason why I call her Tacky Onassis, after all. Why don’t you two idiotesses just admit that you’re racist as fuck, and that “classy and dignified” is just your trailer-trash euphemism for WHITE? PS: And no, this is not a “hate crime” against YOU, you morons. PPS: Good. Byeeeeee!
6. Paul Fucking Ryan. He doesn’t want to talk about birth control? Now, Paulie, why the hell is that? Could it be because you have a huge boner for the whole idea of forced reproduction?
7. Marine Le Fucking Pen. No, that’s not a “new world” being built, idiotesse…that’s just a bad old one that nobody wants, coming back to haunt. (Someone please drive a stake into its collective heart, wouldja?)
8. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Oh joy, of COURSE Roosh V would have to squeak up with glee about Der Drumpf’s election theft, wouldn’t he? And of course he’s all giddy about Drumpfy calling women “fat pigs” and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10 (an asshole “tradition” dating back longer than Roosh has been alive). And he thinks that soon it’s going to be legal to berate women and grab their crotches and maybe even rape them, and nobody will say boo, because Drumpf’s fraudulent “win” is somehow a change of local laws? Dream on, Roosh. And watch out that you don’t get hit by any tasers, mace, or pepper spray. Or karate-chopped upside the windpipe by any women like me, who have learned self-defence.
9. Steve Fucking Bannon. Wow. Just wow. If Drumpf’s chief advisor is too far right for even Biff Fucking Beck AND gets top marks from the KKK and the American Nazi Party, that should REALLY tell you something, no? PS: Sign, sign, SIGN. And share. PPS: And oh yeah, he’s a total fucking misodge, too. How lovely! PPPS: Ha, ha.
10. Alex Fucking Jones. And here’s another fucking crapagandist who is to blame for Drumpf’s unwarranted success. Fuck this addle-brained toadstool. PS: Ohhhhh, look who’s joining the war on fake news! That’s great. A little ironic, considering how the only meaningful way for him to do this is to STFU, but great! PPS: And here he goes with the fake news again. Sandy Hook was REAL. And the people are infuriated. Sign, sign, sign.
11. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Oh Newty, don’t be naïve. Just because #9 once worked for a firm with a Jewish-sounding name, doesn’t make him any less of an antisemite. A job’s a job and money’s money, and Nazified views aren’t always revealed on company time.
12. Mike Fucking Bullard. He’s the unfunniest thing on the air, and now he’s turned out to be a stalker. Why amI not surprised? Oh yeah…he doesn’t like “political correctness”. You know, that right-wing-shitty-person euphemism for common decency? Always a dead giveaway!
13. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Looks like somebody’s taking leaves from the book of Dear Ol’ Dad AND Trophy Wife #3, and being tacky, tacky, tacky. She’s trying really hard to piggyback sales of her overpriced crap on the coattails of Daddy’s electoral fraud. Pity it’s all going over like a load of dogshit bricks!
14. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Offended you are? By suggestions that you worked with an actual white supremacist? A shit I don’t give…because YOU DID. And YOU didn’t give a shit until someone called you on it, you hypocritical fascist shitbag.
15. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Oh, so it’s “bitch-slapping” you want? Well, it’s a good bitch-slapping you’ll get…from THIS BITCH RIGHT HERE, NAZI MOTHERFUCKER. PS: Ha, ha. How’s it feel to be rejected by Corporate Amurrica already? Yeah, that was a bitch-slap for sure. I still won’t be buying the shoes, because ugh, DRUMPF…but ha, ha, just the same.
16. Michael Fucking Hill. The South shall r…oh, shut UP already with that “folkish” hog-snot. The only vampire that needs to be staked through the heart is this Nazified spectre that’s threatening to suck the life out of the whole damn country.
17. Ted Fucking Bonner. And if you want to know WHY the South is destined to stay stuck in its own bogs, never to “rise again”, just look at this racist idiot from Arkansas. And don’t be like him, y’hear?
18. David Fucking Barber. And also, this racist idiot from Tennessee. Gawd, it’s like Florida Man just METASTASIZED all over the place this past week, eh?
19. John Fucking Sousa. And speaking of Florida Man — here he is, in all his ignominious glory! And no, it’s not the one responsible for Sousa marches and sousaphones, either. (Although I sure am tempted to insert that video of the guy mocking the white supremacists with a farty tuba tune here.)
20. Davis Fucking Aurini. Is he sloshed or what? At this rate, he’ll soon be talking to his toy skull (whose name is McCarther, ha ha.) Drink moar, Skullboy! With any luck, you’ll poison yourself, and the world will be one fucking shithead lighter. Just a pity whisky’s so expensive, eh?
21. Emily Fucking Markowski. This is Canada, little girl…we don’t wear hatemonger hats here. And anyone who does, can expect to face consequences…see #2. If you don’t like it, LUMP IT. But stop whining about how you don’t feel safe. Those whom your boy Drumpf is targeting are the ones who REALLY don’t. You’re worried that someone will spit on you because of your hat? Try being black, Muslim, LGBT, or hell…just a woman on the street who got her crotch grabbed by a stranger. You’re not one of those people. You’re just miffed because nobody’s pampering your idiocy. See the difference?
22. Brian Fucking Tamaki. Gays cause earthquakes? Oh, for fucksakes. If any “sin” causes people to die in earthquakes, it’s the sin of stupidity…you know, the one that causes them to build cities around major geological faultlines? Yeah. THAT sin. The one that I’ve never heard ANY preacher railing against because they’re too obsessed with others’ genitalia.
23. Carl Fucking Higbie. Anything that’s even slightly like the Japanese internment camps of World War II is fascist bullshit. Maybe it’s Drumpf’s supporters who need extreme vetting…after all, they DO come from the group that’s most strongly connected to terorrism in the US. Namely, the home-grown neofascist crowd.
24. Reince Fucking Priebus. Rancid Penis has been kind of quiet for the past while, but now he’s wanking again. This time, it’s a bullshit theory about the level of education that neo-Nazis and their ilk can have. Surprise — a degree, no matter where from, is no proof that someone isn’t a fascist! (Remember Dubya? Harvard and Yale. Gentleman’s C. ) But being blind to that fact, and unable to see what others are upset about? Well, it’s a good indicator that you just might be a fellow traveller…or just a plain old idiot.
25. Lauren Fucking Podell. So, this racist “journalist” doesn’t want to do her job anymore? Fine. There are plenty of others who will do it better. Give her spot to a black woman. Done!
26. The Fucking Robertson Family. Yes, ALL of them. For five long, dull years they’ve been mucking up and dumbing down the TV airwaves, and even pushing child marriage and general right-wing shitheadedness. And they’re all hypocrites and phonies, too. And now they’re gone, but never forgotten. They should never have had a TV show in the first place, but they’re still promising “specials” to all the idiotic nobodies who watch them. How about NO? Just go, and take the Fucking Duggars with you.
27. Bobby Fucking Kaufmann. He wrote a draconian “anti-coddling” bill, which by the way is a First Amendment violation…but when questioned on it by an oh-so-polite Canadian radio host, he hung up on her. Bobby! Is that any way to treat Carol Off, who was nothing but nice to you? But oh, diddums…you ran off to FUX Snooze, who did coddle you. Did they give you a cute widdle mini pony to pet? (And, really…what good is YOUR free speech, if you can’t even use it to defend your own fascist stupidity when questioned by non-coddling media?)
28. Doug Fucking Ericksen. And speaking of First Amendment violators who should not pass (a bill, that is) — how about him? Newsflash, sparky…PROTESTS ARE NOT TERRORISM. You’re thinking, perhaps, of your boss-man’s electoral theft, or maybe his installation of an actual fucking white supremacist as head of his transition team.
29. Larry Fucking Miller. Oh gawd, HIM again. And this time, he’s got his flubbery jowls wagging with indignation over Der Drumpf’s misogyny. Which, so he says, does not exist. There are over a dozen women who would dispute that, and those are just the ones we’ve heard from. In particular Megyn Kelly, who found out that he wanted to have her whacked. Misogyny, or mafiosi? Either way, extremely bad for women.
30. Gary Fucking Pollakuski. Bawwwww, diddums. His best man unfriended him for being a Drumpfite, and so did about 99 other people. And we’re supposed to feel bad for this bozo? Nuh-unh, dude. He made his own bed; let him lie in it, preferably alone. He worked for a campaign that’s now fucking the country up as well as over. As one of my own friends pointed out, unfriending a Drumpfite is an act of self-preservation these days.
And finally, to all the blinkered fucking idiots out there who think it’s “crying wolf” or “hysterical” to be concerned about the fascism that’s creeping up fast on you. Funnily, that’s what they did when Hitler first made waves in Germany, too. You think it can’t happen here? It already has, and it’s only going to get worse. That steadily accumulating pile of racist, xenophobic and antisemitic incidents in the news? None of them are isolated, and not a single one is a joke. Don’t minimize, ORGANIZE. And if you don’t? Well, when they come for you, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just call me Cassandra…if you’re still there and still have a voice left to call with.
Good night, and (don’t) get fucked!