Evo cracks the 60% barrier!

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The latest figures from Friday’s Bolivian presidential elections are in, and it looks like Evo’s an even bigger winner than originally projected. Here’s the lowdown:

The president of Bolivia, Evo Morales, has widened his margin as winner of the recent general elections, with his percentage of the votes climbing to 60.97% — half a point more than the previous estimate — according tot he latest figures from the Supreme Electoral Tribunal (TSE), with 96.5% of the votes counted.

Up to now, 26,445 of the 27,403 polling stations’ results have been submitted. Opposition candidate for the Democratic Unity (UD) party, Samuel Doria Medina, remains in second place, with 24.39% of the votes, followed by the Christian Democratic Party (PDC) candidate Jorge Quiroga, with 9.14%. For the Movement Without Fear party (MSM) of Juan del Granado, the vote is at 2.78%, and the Green Party of Bolivia (PVB), of Fernando Vargas, 2.73%, according to Telesur.

Translation mine.

So, now Evo is at over 60%, a trend that seems unlikely to reverse itself. You can see that he did even better, percentage-wise, in votes from expatriate Bolivians (over 72%), than he did at home (60.97%).

I sure hope Tuto has plenty of ketchup ready, it looks like he’s gonna need it. He did promise to eat his watch if Evo came in over 60% on the final count. Which could be any day now. Ha, ha.

Posted in All About Evo, Karma 1, Dogma 0, Schadenfreude. Comments Off »

Music for a Sunday: A little girl singing on repeat in my head

Posted in Music for a Sunday. Comments Off »

Sorry, no wankapedia tonight.

Auntie ‘Bina has been fighting a cold all week, and the cold has won. (iOS problems with wi-fi haven’t helped, either, and I can’t spend all day sitting in the kitchen, which is the only place my iPad seems to get any reception at all.) It was either regular scheduled blogging or the wankapedia, so I went with the one less likely to suffer from my general lack of energy. Plus, all the piss and vinegar — well, the vinegar, anyway — went into disinfecting every surface I’ve coughed or sneezed on. I’ve got nothing left for a bunch of fuckin’ wankers.

So, all that being said, please enjoy this silly, scary video of Simon and his cat. Regularly scheduled kvetching to resume when I feel up to it, whenever that might be. Meow!

Posted in Kittehs, Technical Notes, Writer Lady Sings the Blues. Comments Off »

More fallout from the Serra assassination

The social networks of Venezuela have been buzzing with messages surrounding the death of deputy Robert Serra. And some of what’s been Facebooked and tweeted is truly vile, as the National Assembly president, Diosdado Cabello, reads out above. Here’s a quick summary of the highlights (if you can call them that):

On his VTV show, Con el Mazo Dando, the president of the Venezuelan National Assembly, Diosdado Cabello, informed on Thursday of the detention of Victor Ugas, who spread a photo via social networks of the assassinated deputy Robert Serra in the morgue, as well as the detention of a tweeter known as “La Negra Hipólita”.

“This week they also captured Victor Andrés Ugas, alias Víctor Hugo, who took the photo of comrade Robert Serra [in the morgue]. You’ll have to say who gave you the photo. Also, Daniely Benítez was detained, she’s the one called ‘[La Negra] Hipólita’. She’s very good at predicting things. On September 4, she said that the National Assembly would be in mourning, that we would be buying white candles [for wakes], but she’s so good at predicting that she never predicted that she would be jailed. That’s because the whole thing is suspicious.”

[...]

Cabello also informed of the detention of other citizens who had made threats or jokes around the assassination of Serra, as well as investigations of other Venezuelans who committed the same crimes and are not in country.

Translation mine.

Yes, that’s right…some punk leaked a photo of Robert Serra’s body in the morgue. And another one appears to have had advance knowledge of an assassination to come, one that would have vigil candles burning in the National Assembly (where, in fact, Serra’s body and that of his girlfriend, María Herrera, did lie in state). Just a macabre joke, I’m sure. Or a damn good crystal ball…one that, as Diosdado Cabello ironically remarks, somehow failed to predict that its psychic owner would land up in the slammer.

According to this news item, the photos of Serra’s corpse on the slab have been under investigation since October 10, and the suspect believed to have tweeted them was arrested on Wednesday. He remains in custody.

Meanwhile, we now know the amount of money Serra’s assassins got to do the job. A cool quarter of a million gringo dollars, according to the justice minister:

The planned and executed assassination of socialist National Assembly deputy Robert Serra cost its intellectual authors $250,000 (US), monies which came from Colombia, according to the minister of Interior Relations, Justice and Peace, Miguel Rodríguez Torres.

[...]

“With Lorent Gómez Saleh in prison, we now know that they were starting to eliminate 20 leaders,” said the minister, recounting that the terrorist plans, orchestrated in Colombia, which extremist groups were to carry out in Venezuela, and to which Saleh belonged, were to be carried out only against the leaders of the Bolivarian Revolution who mobilized the people to militancy with the greatest strength.

“They came from Colombia with that amount of money, which not just anyone would have, and killed our comrade Robert Serra,” Rodríguez Torres said during an assembly in Propatria, Caracas.

Translation, again, mine.

Money from Colombia? Surely that wouldn’t be traceable back to El Narco, would it? Miguel Rodríguez Torres thinks it would, and he would know, as justice minister and as one privy to all the information surrounding a crime of this magnitude.

Meanwhile, seven arrest orders are currently awaiting fulfillment, and Interpol is on red alert for the individuals in question. The eighth suspect is already in detention: Edwin Torres Camacho, the corrupted bodyguard who let the killers into the home.

Pablo Neruda’s prophetic words are about to come true; the cowards’ moon is hanging low in the sky. Not much longer now…

Video shows assassins entering and leaving Robert Serra’s home

Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro himself narrates this video, which shows just how quick and efficient the killers of Robert Serra were. The full security video from the night in question is just 11 minutes long, and the segment showing the entry and exit of the killers clocks in at a mere six minutes. That’s right: Just six minutes from the time they entered the house, with the help of a paid-off bodyguard of the late parliamentarian, to the time they exited and buzzed off, some on motorbikes, a very typical mode of transportation in Caracas. This video shows clearly why there were no signs of forced entry at the home, indicating an apparent inside job. With a paid-off bodyguard to unlock the door for the killers, there would be no need to break in, calling unwanted attention to themselves and wasting valuable minutes, as well as making it that much harder to escape in time.

So who are the killers? Well, the head of this particular band of assassins is a Colombian paramilitary by the surname of Padilla Leiva; his nickname, and the name of the band as well, is “El Colombia”. How original! Maduro also gives the nicknames of the rest of the killers, in the order in which they appear and enter the home. Their real names are presumably known to the authorities, but not mentioned in this clip.

Meanwhile, here’s a tape of the corrupted bodyguard, Edwin Torres Camacho, who let the killers into the house:

And here’s a transcript of what he said:

“It all began three months ago, I was talking on my cellphone with deputy Robert Serra, when I was approached by ‘Colombia’, one of the authors of the death of the deputy. Then he asked me ‘Anything else? Is everything all right?’ This in a normal discussion with my boss…

“He told me that…he broke into the situation to tell me ‘let’s go, let’s go screw him, let’s go there’, with such insistence, I fell into temptation and from the Wednesday of the week before the deputy’s death, uh…they were talking about everything they were going to do that day…

“We left there…on a Sunday we swung by the deputy’s house in a pickup truck, burgundy and black, and the same again on Monday, two days before the deputy’s death, they lent me a cellphone with which they told me that we were going to work that day.

“The day of the incident, Wednesday, they gave me the motorbike on the Cristo corner, and I went out to look for it. From there I went toward La Pastora, met with ‘Colombia’, who got on the bike with me, and we went to the deputy’s house. When we arrived there, I opened the door with the motorcycle key, forcing the lock, and ‘Colombia’ entered behind me. After that, he went ahead and neutralized María [Herrera, Serra's girlfriend], then two others entered, and the other four: ‘Eme’, ‘Dany’, ‘Oreja’ and ‘Tintín’.

“At that moment, I walked toward the kitchen…’Colombia went up with ‘Tintín’ and that’s when they neutralized Robert and brought him to his study. Then I gave him a kick in the neck and I was getting on top of him when Tintín was on top of Robert with a knife in his hand, with an awl…and I saw that the deputy was already gagged and mortally wounded.

“After he went down, Tintín went back down, and the others, with weapons in hand. I went down last and saw how ‘Colombia’ was on top of María. I couldn’t see what he was doing to her, but I could see that he was on top of María. Then it was ‘let’s go, let’s go” and we left the house. As we were leaving the house I turned back to open the door for them, I opened the door electrically, then they left and I hung back, looking around, because I didn’t have the motorcycle key in my pocket, the one with which I opened the door and forced the lock.

“After I came out, because I couldn’t find the key, I had to push the motorbike downhill. I pushed it along with ‘Tintín’. I came out last and from there, we went down two blocks. I dropped off Tintín, I don’t know which way he went, he went his way and I went down three more blocks. I left the bike someplace, and I don’t know what happened to it. I caught a taxi and went home.”

Translation mine.

So now we know how this was possible. Even with bodyguards, Robert Serra wasn’t safe, because the assassins were able to bribe one of them. One corrupto was all it took to end Robert Serra’s life…well, one corrupto and half a dozen killers.

And three months of planning, and a huge whack of dinero, too.

Tuto Quiroga, butthurt loser

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Ladies and gentlemen, meet the loser of the recent Bolivian presidential election. He came in last, with single digits in the exit polls, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a dismal showing compared to Evo’s commanding lead. But hey! Why let a little thing like one’s own massive unpopularity deter one from uttering bitter and butthurt speculations about the undisputed winner, eh?

Exit polls proclaimed Evo Morales the victor at nearly 60% support. Last month, Tuto Quiroga announced, after learning that early polls showed six out of every ten Bolivians voting for Morales, that if it were true, he would eat his watch.

The official data up to now, with 57.4% of the votes counted, give Evo Morales the win with almost 55% support, followed by conservative businessman Samuel Doria Medina (28.6%) and Quiroga in last place, at 11.16%.

“We’ll see, there’s still time, but first let’s wait for the results,” said the opposition candidate during a press conference, assuring that he has enough tomato sauce, as well as llajua (a spicy sauce, typically Bolivian) to carry out his promise.

Now that the predictions appear to be coming true, many Bolivians are coming out with sarcasm on social media to demand that Quiroga keep his promise.

“That’s why Evo Morales wants 60%, to see me eat my watch,” said the ex-president, ironically.

On Tuesday, Quiroga also criticized the actions of the Supreme Electoral Tribunal (TSE), as the organism took more than 24 hours to make public the official figures of the vote count due to technical problems and a supposed threat of computer sabotage.

Quiroga denounced the TSE as “servile” and “inefficient”, claiming that it is manipulating the results to “rob” the opposition and inflate the vote count for Morales in rural areas.

“Never in the recent democratic history of Bolivia has there been such a show of ineptitude, incapacity and inefficiency on the part of the electoral organism, which makes one think they are manipulating and ‘cooking’ the results,” maintained Quiroga.

[...]

It is the second time that Quiroga has been defeated by Morales in an election, as both leaders also contended in the elections of 2005, in which Morales became the first indigenous president of Bolivia.

Translation mine.

Poor Tuto. He’s been virtually irrelevant for the last ten years. During the 2005 election, which he lost to Evo, he resorted to scare tactics which proved to be empty. He put out ads with dramatic background music, in which actors posing as textile workers claimed that Evo’s win would scare off international buyers for their products. Nothing could be further from the truth, as Evo’s record to date has shown; even the IMF and the World Bank are praising him, which is pretty ironic since he sent them packing, figuring that homegrown solutions to reinvest gas revenues into the local economy (à la Chavecito) would do the trick better. And they did.

So now there’s nothing left for Tuto to keep himself relevant, except to snipe at Evo’s impressive results. 2005’s, for instance, was at the time the largest margin of popular support for any Bolivian presidential candidate, ever — and Evo’s support has only increased since then. And of course, to threaten to eat his watch.

Tuto, better stock up on hot sauce. And maybe a case of beer, too. You’re gonna need something to wash down those bitter, bitter words!

Estela de Carlotto in Ecuador: “We have to erase the word ‘dictatorship’ from the dictionary!”

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Guido Montoya, his grandmother Estela de Carlotto, and the president of Ecuador, Rafael Correa, meet at Carondelet Palace in Quito. This is the first trip abroad together for the grandmother and grandson, who are touring South America to raise awareness of the ongoing need to locate the hundreds of missing grandchildren still unaccounted for since the last Argentine dictatorship. Guido first came to light this past summer, after a DNA test identified him as Estela’s long-lost grandson. And while she was in Quito, Estela, who would know from dictatorships, had some choice words for the right-wing opposition and media who insist on calling the democratically-elected Ecuadorable One a “dictator”:

Estela de Carlotto, president of the Grandmothers of Plaza de Mayo, was received along with her grandson on Tuesday by the president of Ecuador, Rafael Correa, and pointed out the democratic character of the left-wing leader’s government.

“The word ‘dictatorship’ must be erased from the dictionary as long as there exists a president and authorities elected by popular mandate, whether we like it or not,” said Carlotto, when asked by journalists whether there was a “dictatorship” in Ecuador, or “totalitarianism”, of which the opposition speaks.

“In Argentina, the media monopolies are still criticizing the media laws, the same media monopolies who put rocks in the road. Those are bad people, they’re the ones who say that what our president does is dictatorship. the word dictatorship is uprooted from the language of the Argentines, and we hope it will be forever. I was born in 1930, was born in a dictatorship, grew up in a dictatorship, and I want strong democracies to be born for the children, to be of benefit to those who have the least,” said the emblematic Argentine woman.

The declarations came after the Ecuadorian president received Estela de Carlotto and her grandson, Guido Montoya, at the government palace. Montoya recovered his identity 37 years after his disappearance during the Argentine dictatorship. Both are in Quito and other touristic cities for a week, according to the Ecuadorian foreign ministry. It is Estela de Carlotto’s first international trip along with her grandson, who was identified last August.

During her visit to the government palace, Estela de Carlotto presented President Correa with a T-shirt bearing the legend: “We are all Guido, 37 years x identity.”

Guido, “Grandchild 114″ of those who recovered their identities, is the son of Laura Carlotto, who was kidnapped when she was three months pregnant, and later killed by the Argentine dictatorship. His father is Oscar Montoya, also killed, and buried in a common grave until his remains were identified.

“When President Rafael Correa realized that this woman had found her grandson, as did the people of Argentina, he didn’t hesitate to invite us. I won’t abandon this struggle as long as I’m alive, because there are still grandchildren to be found. In Ecuador we found a commitment to memory, truth and justice,” Guido Montoya said.

The grandson of the president of the Grandmothers of Plaza de Mayo turned up voluntarily to have his DNA tested because he had doubts about his identity. He was torn from his mother’s arms five hours after his birth in June 1978, and was registered under the name of Ignacio Hurbán as the son of a farming couple.

Guido said that he was very pleased with the invitation and with the show of solidarity with the more than 400 still-missing grandchildren.

Estela de Carlotto praised the Latin American unity expressed in organizations such as the Union of South American Nations (UNASUR). “The found grandchildren, the grandmothers, all of us are striving for Latin American unity. We rejoice in being in countries which recently began their journey toward the truth. Don’t slack off, don’t let your arms fall,” she concluded.

Translation mine.

So there you have it. A dictatorship? In Ecuador? Try and find it!

But then again, for the fascists of the world, the irony is that they can never accept democracy, as long as it keeps electing popular, progressive leaders. Which is why, in so many countries (including those of South America), they keep trying to stage coups d’état against leaders they call “dictators”. Fortunately, they are failing badly at that — and the reason is simple. The people, not being stupid, can see right through that rhetoric, down to its ironic bone.

Happy Indigenous People’s Day!

Fuck Columbus, and fuck the plague-ridden ships he rode in on. The natives are taking their country back, peacefully and democratically. And in yesterday’s presidential elections, Bolivia made that abundantly clear:

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I believe this is what’s known as a LANDSLIDE.

Viva Evo PRESIDENTE, carajo.

EDIT: The landslide is even bigger than it looked yesterday. Here’s the latest:

The Bolivian president was re-elected for the second consecutive time, according to an exit poll by the Mori firm, published last night by the newspaper El Deber, of Santa Cruz de la Sierra.

According to the poll, the president won in eight of nine Bolivian departments [provinces], and carries the support of at least 25 senators and 86 deputies, which approaches control of two-thirds of both chambers.

His closest follower, Samuel Doria Molina, received 24% of the vote, according to exit polls. Meanwhile, former president Jorge “Tuto” Quiroga took 9.6.%.

Although presidents of Bolivia can only take two consecutive terms, Evo Morales was able to run a third time, since the Constitutional Tribunal considers that his first term took place before the refoundation of the land in 2009, and for that reason, doesn’t count.

In 2005 Evo Morales won more than 50% of the vote, and in 2009 he increased his support to more than 60%. More than 5 million Bolivians went to the polls, and not only in Bolivia, since, for the first time, Bolivians residing in 33 foreign countries were able to exercise their right to vote as well.

Thousands gathered today to celebrate the president’s victory. Murillo Square, near Quemado Palace, the seat of the Legislative Assembly and the Foreign Ministry, was filled with people cheering their president.

An emotional Evo Morales called out hurrahs to all the Bolivian departments amid the jubilation of the people, who were carrying flags in the blue-and-white colors of the Movement Toward Socialism (MAS).

“I want to tell you, after hearing the news of the results of these elections, in my own name and that of my brother the vice-president [Álvaro García Linera], and of those who fought alongside us for our freedom, thank you for this great support.

“Many thanks, brothers and sisters, for this new triumph of the Bolivian people. In all departments, we have grown and in eight departments, we have won. There could still be a surprise in one department [Beni, the only one not won by MAS]. The fight is neck-and-neck,” Morales pointed out.

Morales also recalled that there is “a feeling of liberation for our peoples. How much longer will we be under the thumb of the North American empire and capitalism? This triumph belongs to the anti-imperialists and the anti-capitalists. It belongs to the Bolivian people.”

Also, Morales considers that “it has been important to seek the integration and unity of the Bolivian people. Once more we have ratified that in Bolivia there is no “Media Luna” ["Half Moon", a reference to the departments who tried to break away during the failed coup of 2009], but a Full Moon!

“Now, with more than 60 percent, nationalization has won,” said an emotional Morales, as the people chanted his name.

“Your efforts, those of your comrades and base directors, and the commitment of the national directors, of CONALCAM [the National Confederation for Change] and the Bolivian Workers’ Central, of the ministers, the institutions, has not been in vain,” Morales insisted.

“I want to say to the people of La Paz and Bolivia that we must always think of the great and the small. When we talk about satellites, some said that that was for the United States and Europe. And now we have a satellite,” Morales recounted.

Morales also emphasized that “when we say we want atomic energy for peaceful purposes they said that that was for developed countries. And we will have it, we will think of the great. And we will be the energy centre of South America.

“I am amazed and this class of results will commit us much more to keep fighting for the Bolivian people. In these elections solidarity has won, unity and sovereignty of the Bolivian people have won, and this triumph will be dedicated to all the peoples of Latin America and the world who fight against capitalism and imperialism. This triumph is dedicated to Fidel Castro and Hugo Chávez, may he rest in peace,” Morales concluded.

Translation mine.

So, there you have it. Definitive proof that Bolivia has arrived in the 21st century. And thanks to Evo’s already impressive achievements, it’s going nowhere but up. This is a big fuck-you not only to the conquistadors of 500 years ago, but their wanna-be emulators of 2009, whose misadventures I’ve documented here. Remember how those foreign mercenaries came to grief when half the Bolivian provinces tried to break away, taking the oil and gas with them, so that the privatizers could keep their loot? Yeah, this is a fuck-you to THEM, too. And one they could not deserve more. And it was handed to them, not from above in La Paz, but from below, by the people of all of Bolivia.

¡¡¡VIVA EVO PRESIDENTE, CARAJO!!!

Music for a Sunday: Trying not to look so young and miserable

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Wankers of the Week: Ebola on a Plane!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Thanksgiving to all my fellow Canadians. And a crappy Indigenous People’s Day, too. Not flying? Good, because the last thing you want is to be stuck in a plane with someone with Ebola fever. Or even some cranky jokester who only claims he has it. (Dude is lucky that no air marshals shot him, if you ask me.) And here are some other people that I wouldn’t want to be on a plane with:

1. Brian Fucking Hamilton. When you pull someone over during a traffic stop, you’re supposed to be policing their driving, not their religion. And you’re supposed to read them their rights, not wave church pamphlets under their noses. If you can’t do the job you were hired to do, then lose the badge and let someone else do it.

2. Jordan Fucking Owen. Everything’s a conspiracy, even totally normal English language constructions! They’re hipmatism! HIPMATISM, I tellz ya! Dude, why can’t you just admit that you got nothin’ on Anita Sarkeesian, and cut your damn losses already? It would cost you a buttload less effort than you’re currently expending on trying (and failing) to prove that she’s some kind of sinister manipulator.

3. Davis Fucking Aurini. Meanwhile, #2’s partner in conspiracy kookery has decided that all women are truly bitches. Fickle, flitting bitches. Who clearly don’t recognize a good thing when they see it. Except that we totally do, and we just don’t see it in HIM, because he fairly exudes slimy douchitude. And that sort of thing just makes us all want to flit the hell away.

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4. Satya Fucking Nadella. Women in tech, listen to your guru: Lean out! Don’t ask for raises. Don’t ask for any kind of recognition of your talents and contributions at all. Go home, go back to your kitchen, and make somebody a sandwich. And if it’s this guy, don’t forget to take your chocolate Ex-Lax and be sure to spread the resulting “Nutella” carefully on the bread. PS: Or you could just sign this.

5. Hank Fucking Greenberg. Basically, what Jon Stewart said. Fuck you, and fuck the $184 billion bailout you rode in on.

6. John Fucking Hembling. Oh, oh. What have we here? A drama llama pooping on the living room carpet? Infighting at A Voice For Mangry Morons? Sure smells like it. And suddenly, just like that, John the Bother is out of the He-Man Woman Haters’ Club treehouse. Ha, ha.

7. Chaim Fucking Weiss. If you wonder why nobody likes Israel anymore, just look at what kind of supporters they have. This one decided to disrupt midnight prayers at the local mosque with loud music. In the name of Israel, of course. And now he’s a convicted crook. Shabbat Shalom, you little shit.

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8. James Fucking Wiedmann. Yup, it’s been a banner week for pickup assholes, as evidenced by the oh-so-witty dude who calls himself, laughably, “Heartiste” (FARTiste, more like it). His latest conversational gambit? When rejected by a woman, insult her in true seventh-grade fashion and feign elaborate disinterest. And, bonus: When mocked by your male betters, call them panty-sniffers. In short, project like mad. Because really, what IS a PUA if not a constant (and usually futile) seeker of ladies’ underwear as trophies?

9. Eron Fucking Gjoni. Hey! Remember that dude who sicked the howling hellhounds of 4chan on his ex-girlfriend for having the temerity to dump his ass? Well, he’s still at it. And he’s still bitter. And still not shutting up about it. He’s even gotten a bunch of his idiot supporters to crowdfund his legal fees. (Or tried to; it got taken down.) And now she’s taken out a restraining order against him, one that includes a gag clause. But is he shutting up, like any sensible person ought to? Well, in a one-word tweet, straight from the horse’s ass: “Nah”. If that’s not proof of an orchestrated harassment campaign, I don’t know what is.

10. Morgan Fucking Brittany. Hey! Remember whatsername from that old nighttime soap, Dallas? No? Thought not. Well, you’ll be happy to know that she’s still just as irrelevant as ever, and is now a right-wing dreck-scribbler. But I repeat myself.

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11. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Yes, Hucky Fudd, please do take your ball and go home. It’s not as though you’re still relevant anyhow. Not even in the Repugnican party, which is, God knows, totally irrelevant as it is.

12. Doug Fucking Ford. Here’s a pro tip, Dougie (not that you’d ever take it, but hey): When tempted to generalize about other people, of whatever religion, color or ethnicity, DON’T. Just DON’T. (And don’t try to make it out to be “respect”, either.)

13. Paul Fucking Callan. If you think that police brutality in the US doesn’t have a racist component, you have to be living under a pretty large rock. Or a pretty damn large plastic bubble. Do yourself a favor and come out from under. Admitting the nature of the problem is the first step toward actually addressing it.

14. Rob Fucking Ford. Yup, the RoFoDoFoShitShow is still on, and Tweedledee is not Frod Nation’s only wanker this week. Even though largely out of commission, Robbo has still managed to pull off a conflict of interest. One devoutly wishes these guys would go back to the business sector, where they clearly belong, and leave governing to those who can actually do the damn job, already.

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15. Mitt Fucking Romney. It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Mittens, but I’m sure you’re glad to know that HE is still wanking, too. And that he actually commited voter fraud — you know, that same thing the Repugs have been oh-so-concerned about since, oh, at least the Great Florida Election Theft of 2000?

16. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Might as well treat them as a single unit, since that’s how they act, eh? And this week, they had the temerity to try to dictate how members of the media — specifically, Rachel Maddow, who doesn’t take marching orders from anyone — are to report on their (mis)deeds. And yes, it went about as well as you’d expect it to. Which is to say, NOT AT ALL. Ha, ha.

17. Bill Fucking Maher. Kudos to Ben Affleck for handing him his ass over his (and his guests’) Islamophobia. And oh yeah, Bill? You’re also full of shit about the “dictating what you can write or draw” bit. I’ve known this for at least eight years. When are YOU gonna learn?

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18. Scott Fucking Walker. Yes, it’s been a while since I last listed Little Scotty Wanker. But since he decided to oblige me this week by insisting that you can live on $7.25 an hour, I figured that the very least I could do is oblige him right back.

19. Stephen Fucking Collins. He’s not a wholesome family-man type; he just plays one on TV. Correction: PLAYED. And now that image is forever a thing of the past, because it turns out this wholesome family-man type is, in fact, Chester the Child Molester.

20. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly. Holy fucking shit, is she ever racist. And delusional. And seriously, desperately in need of a good retirement.

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And finally, to the Fucking Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Apparently, branding everything pink “for the cure” is so much more important than, you know, actually FINDING the cure. Or, for that matter, preventing breast cancer, which is very preventable. And one surefire means of prevention? NOT DRINKING WATER CONTAMINATED WITH FRACKING CHEMICALS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Yes, that’s right: Komen is teaming up with water-polluting, cancer-causing frackers. “For the cure”. With drill bits covered in pink paint, which also isn’t good for the environment, or breast tissue. How the hell that is supposed to help get us any nearer a cure, I do not know. But it sure puts everyone a whole lot closer to getting cancer themselves. As I so often say: Fracking isn’t a euphemism; it’s an obscenity.

Good night, and get fucked!

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