Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that Hobby Lobby decision at the SCOTUS? Talk about a totally hypocritical, sexist fuckery. I would, but I don’t have all night, because all these other people need talking about, too:
1. Adam Fucking Richman. So, to recap: “Thinspo” bad, browbeating your critics worse, and getting your crappy show yanked for being such a colossal bag of dicks…PRICELESS. Ha, ha.
2. Justin Fucking Mateen. Ever wonder if casual hookups are really worth it…or why I’m convinced that they’re not, especially if you’re female? Here you go, one definitely lousy lay — projecting like mad. Please enjoy a decontamination shower afterwards, courtesy of the house.
3. Charles Fucking Saatchi. When your money-grubbing chutzpah trumps everything, including taste, good sense and your lawyer’s advice to keep a low profile until the dust settles on your insta-divorce, I’d say you’ve more than earned your listing here.
4. Richard Fucking Benyon. Why?
That’s why. He doesn’t need to fuck working poor people over, but he CAN, so he does. That is the very definition of class warfare…and a fucking wanker.
5. Noah Fucking Berlatsky. Orange is the New Black is a show about a women’s prison. You know, a place where female prisoners are housed? Well, this intrepid soul is wondering why so few men on that show. Maybe because men have no place in a female penitentiary? Maybe because all the other shows out there are dominated by them? Maybe because there’s already BEEN a male prison show (or several)? It’s hardly as if dudes are underrepresented on TV, seeing as they practically own the whole industry. Do they have to take over the only show about female jail, too?
6. George Fucking Will. Wow. Just when I thought I couldn’t despise this irrelevant weenie any more than I already did, along come revelations that prove that there is, indeed, no bottom to his barrel of asininity and shitweaseldom. Turns out that the woman he disparaged for not having risen to his proper standard for legitimate assault victimhood was, in fact, much more violently attacked than the article he cited made her out to be. I don’t suppose we’ll be hearing any apologies, though…just more inane justifications for how he is the sole arbiter for what rape actually means and how victimhood is really somehow coveted. Along with PTSD, slut shaming, death threats, and all the other lovely shit that goes along with it, of course.
7. Jesse Fucking Watters. Yeah, patronizing the ladies is a GREAT way to fight the War on Women. It’s also a great way of proving their point…that you right-wing males are all sexist and stupid as hell. Thanks for showing us why we STILL need feminism, dude!
8. Paul Fucking Broun. Where in the bible does it say that guns are an absolute, god-given right? Chapter and verse: NOWHERE. He made that shit up. Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie, Paul!
9. Charles Fucking Murray. So, liberals good, progressives bad? Somebody doesn’t understand the meaning of words. Methinks he was born lazy and stupid. BTW, Chuck, I’m your worst fear: I’m a socialist, and I’m dead smart, too. Boogaboogabooga!
10. John Fucking Nienstedt. Looks like all the little pink skeletons doing the Watusi in his closet decided to form a chorus line and kick the fucking door down. Just as we all knew they would. Ha, ha.
11. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Honestly, the only thing shocking about this one is that it’s taken them this long to lay just one measly, minor charge. There are so many more things he needs to go down for, and this is the very least of them.
12. Sudin Fucking Dhavalikar. As usual, everything women wear gets blamed for them being raped. And just when can we expect MEN to get blamed for not keeping their hands — and DICKS — to themselves?
13. Heather Fucking Rodriguez. Happy Birthday, sis! Look, I got you that bag of meth you always wanted!
14. Barbara Fucking Kay. Oh look, Babs is wanking again…in front of a roomful of pathetic MRAs, no less. She must really be desperate for male attention!
15. Rob Fucking Ford. Racism is not a disease, just as stupidity is not a disability. And if your drinking brings it out, just remember: In vina, in ira, in pueritas, semper est veritas. It’s not the alcohol that’s doing it; it’s just you, minus the normal restraints.
16. Doug Fucking Ford. And wherever Tweedledum wanks, Tweedledee is right behind, running interference (ineptly) for Bumblefuck. As usual. And just as racism is not a disability, so people’s antipathy to drunken stupidity is not racism. You know that; I know that. Dougie, alas, does not. PS: And speaking of things Dougie doesn’t know, add the meaning of the word “jihad”.
17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Once more, with feeling: Birth control pills are NOT taken before every time you have sex. You take just one a day. Stop confusing our contraception with your Viagra that you took along on a child-sex tour in the DR, Rusty!
18. James Fucking Wertz. Oh yeah, Florida Man, you big macho. You show that fluffy widdle bunny what a man’s world it is! And don’t bother wondering why your girlfriend dumped your sorry ass for abusing her pet, either.
19. Janine Fucking McCune. No, Florida Woman dear, you’re not a Moor. You’re a dumbass who childishly thinks she can buck a traffic ticket with bullshit. Just like all the other sovereign shittizen weirdos out there.
20. Charles Fucking Tapp. And once more, ladies and gents, Florida Man…showing off his meth-cooking skills right out on the beach for your tweakin’ pleasure. Give it up for the Wang State and its unbeatable knack for producing real wieners…er, winners!
21. Scott Fucking Lively. You know, it’s really not a good idea to challenge John Oliver to a debate. For one thing, he just might take you up on that. For another, he would win.
22. Stephen Fucking Harper. Yes, yes, we get it, ShitHead. You’re a God-botherer. Now stop bothering God and get the fuck out of power, you sanctimonious turd.
23. Anthony Fucking Cumia. Time to pull the plug on all shock jocks…and what better one to start with than this sexist, racist swinebag? I hope the woman he attacked comes forward and sues his ass. PS: Plug pulled. Ha, ha.
24. William Fucking Walters, again. Speaking of racist, we can file the Klueless Kluker under “unclear on the concept”. How does one manage to have a black best friend, as he claims to do, and still be a racist and a separatist? Oh, I see…he’s “promoting white heritage”. Yeah, like THAT needs promoting.
25. Gerry Fucking Shalam. No, your dad doesn’t own half of fucking Manhattan. And in his shoes, I would ground your ass.
26. Bristol Fucking Palin. I got your #HobbyLobbyLove right here, airhead…in the form of a permanent boycott and lotsa ridicule. Ha, ha.
27. Jeremy Fucking Walters. Well, dude, I’ll give you this: You are, indeed, an asshole. And now you’re going to be cooling your ass in jail. Ha, ha.
28. Laura Fucking Ingraham. When even Billo thinks you’re unhinged, that really ought to tell you something.
29. Roy Fucking McCool. And speaking of unhinged: “Preppers” aren’t actually readying themselves for doomsday; they ARE doomsday. Or at the very least, they are actively trying to bring it on.
30. Joshua Fucking Finch. How the hell does one build a bomb without “trying to hurt anyone”? Unless you were planning it so that everyone hit by it would die instantly, dude, that just doesn’t make any fucking sense.
31. Gordon Fucking Klingenschmitt. Is that a bleat of desperation I hear coming from John Jacob Jingleheimer? Sure sounds like it. What a pity he’s not Jesus, eh?
32. Joan Fucking Rivers. Uh-oh, is someone sensitive? And projecting like mad? Sure sounds like it. Diddums!
33. John Fucking Suthers. You can stand athwart history yelling “STOP” all you like, but in the end, that big ol’ steamroller is just gonna roll right over you. Ha, ha.
34. Linda Fucking Harvey. Oh noes, gay soldiers and scouts exist! And they dared to march in Pride parades! How dare they be out and proud, instead of cowering in the closet between the dustbunnies and the mothballs?
35. Anquinette Fucking Jones. No, sorry, Satan has nothing to do with evolution. That’s how God works. Did you not learn that in biology class before you began to teach it?
And finally, to these vile Israeli tweeters, and everyone else of that ilk:
They’re celebrating a LYNCHING. How does that make them any better than these people?
Spoiler: It doesn’t. It makes them exactly the same, actually. And just as goddamn fucking NAUSEATING.
Good night, and get fucked!